Top 5 Gorefests

Now, just so we're clear, my criteria for composing this list will not be merely based upon the level of gore, but also the quality of the film.  I'm not interested in drivel, no matter how disgusting it may be, but a well-made feature boasting some obnoxious gore.  Special effects are an artform, and gore belongs under that umbrella, but what difference does the quality of the effects make if the movie in question is a complete and total piece of shit?  Now, my definition of drivel is a bit loose, so filmmakers like Lucio Fulci and Lamberto Bava will make the cut, yet I can't summon any love for pictures from directors like Herschell Gordon Lewis and Jess Franco.

Anyway, time is wasting, so let's get disgusting up in here!

#1) The Evil Dead (original) - 1981

The 80s dominate this list, and since that decade is still known for its excess, maybe that's appropriate.  Regardless, of all the films to make the cut, this one clearly had the biggest impact on the horror genre.  This film gave us Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell, and it spawned a franchise that is still making serious noise on the scene.  The budget was minimal and the players were amateurs, but the damn thing still works to perfection.  Yes, it is incredibly dated, but it still has raw power.  Putting this disc in your player is like lighting a fuse.  Despite the obvious limitations, this little picture that could wound up being the most vicious assault on audiences to be featured on this list.

You know the drill: five teens head out for a weekend getaway at a spooky old cabin in the woods.  Everything is going great until they release terrible demons into the world.  Soon they're hacking one another to pieces in the name of bloody horror, and the ending is a real bummer.  Despite the limitations of the budget, Raimi's creativity and the courage of the cast give The Evil Dead a major boost.  I say courage because if you believe everything you read, Raimi has made a living out of beating the hell out of Bruce Campbell, to include driving motorbikes into The Chin's chin. 

The gore is tremendous, and the last ten minutes of the picture are among the goriest moments ever captured on film.  The most disturbing scene in the piece may be the tree rape, and though that bit is relatively gore-free, it is totally cringe-worthy.  Demon-possessed teenagers are dismembered and both the cast and the cabin are painted red with blood as a hero known as Ash rises to the occasion.  There is an abundance of carnage, and Raimi is wildly inventive and eager to disgust in his application of the effects.  I also enjoy the score, and many of the big scares sprinkled throughout the film owe a great deal to the audio. 

A new version of this cult classic is tearing it up in theaters as I write this, but the original has a pedigree that will be difficult to match.  If you're looking for an atmospheric and bloody rampage that reeks of doom and awesomeness, you're looking for The Evil Dead.  Yes, doom and awesomeness.  It's The Evil Dead, for crying out loud.  The film is a gorefest with considerable mood, opening with a sense of doom and slowly gaining steam before an overblown and incredibly repulsive climax.  This one has been giving me the willies for a long time, and I have no qualms about putting The Evil Dead at the top of this Top 5.

#2) Bad Taste - 1987

There are ridiculous movies, and then there are those movies that make ridiculous movies seem positively normal.  This is one of those movies.  Bad Taste is a true love letter to film, a picture where most everything falls short aside from director Peter Jackson's passion, and yet that alone elevates everything around it.  The end result is one of the goofiest horror-comedies ever, and it is a bizarre film loaded with memorable sequences and an outrageous amount of gore.  The acting is average, the effects are inept yet hilarious, and the plot is almost non-existent, but the movie is consistently entertaining and warrants repeat viewings.  You can show it to your friends and you can even show it to your parents. 

What?  I'm not kidding.  I showed it to mine.  Of course, I once forced my parents to sit through Lamberto Bava's dreadfully awful Devil Fish, so my argument is flawed. 

Anyway, back to Bad Taste.  Big melon-headed aliens with huge ass-cheeks that burst out of their pants (I couldn't make this stuff up) have disposed of all the people in a small town to provide meat for an intergalactic fast food chain.  It's up to four unlikely heroes to save the day, and these buffoons are up to the challenge.  There's so much gore on display, I don't know where to begin.  Maybe I should just start by pointing out that our hero will have his skull cracked open, but he'll survive by scooping his brains back into his cranium and tying a bandana around his head.  People and big melon-headed aliens with huge ass-cheeks that burst out of their pants are maimed, bloody floors are mopped, and puke is ingested.  Bad Taste takes its name to heart, and the movie is a gleeful gorefest that is packed with chuckles. 

There are no real scares in Bad Taste, though there is a lot of action and maybe even a dab of suspense.  Peter Jackson's vision and energy are on full display, and while no one could have predicted just how far he would take his talent, his devotion was obvious.  This picture is at the other end of the spectrum from a picture like The Fly, a deep and moving film, as it is a hollow vessel designed solely to entertain.  Having said that, it is both efficient and effective, and there's nothing wrong with 91 minutes of silly fun.

#3) City of the Living Dead (a.k.a. Gates of Hell) - 1980

In truth, some people may have filled a list of their Top 5 Gorefests with films directed by the one and only Lucio Fulci, and it would be hard to deny that his catalog warrants such attention.  Seriously, there are classics like The Beyond and Zombie, and oddities like New York Ripper or A Lizard in a Woman's Skin to choose from.  There's also City of the Living Dead, one of his stronger pictures, and a movie that is truly disgusting.  Additionally, I always enjoyed Christopher George's work, and his presence is a major asset to this gorefest.  In fact, I think George may have been the finest leading man to star in one of Fulci's films, and much like Zombie, City of the Living Dead is not as bizarre and disjointed as some of Fulci's work.  This is a rather coherent and utterly nightmarish horror film that will test your gag reflex.

What's it about?  Well, it's just your typical "priest hangs himself in a cemetery, opening the gates of hell" yarn.  George plays a reporter who teams with a young psychic (Catriona MacColl) to try and close the gates before All Saints Day, thereby preventing the dead from rising up to consume the living all over the globe.  There are a multitude of gruesome sights, to include people bleeding from their eyes, people vomiting up their intestines, drills to the head, maggot storms, and some of the most fearsome ghouls you'll ever encounter on film.  There are ample servings of dread, suspense, and gore to be had, and while there are an abundance of flaws on display, Fulci still manages to ship the freight.  Watching City of the Living Dead is a bit like enduring a terrible nightmare, and I think that's just what Lucio was going for.  Forgive me if you find watching it to be a bit of an ordeal, but Fulci felt that horror films were supposed to challenge and revolt the audience in equal measures.

I have a strong stomach, and no movie has ever made me physically ill, but few have come as close as this one.  The effects are frightening, the mood is ominous, the score is unnerving, and Fulci really puts the screws to the viewer throughout.  There are surprising deaths, shocking images, and all the gore you expect from the Godfather of Gore.  This isn't his best film, but I think that it is his most gruesome feature, and it is also one of his most effective.  Yes, it goes off the deep end from time to time, to include zombies that teleport, but it also has some of his best stuff, like the incredibly tense buried alive bit and the big finale.  City of the Living Dead is a true gorefest, and I think it is the best Fulci film for this particular list.  Some may disagree, and I won't protest as long they favor The Beyond or Zombie, but I've made my choice.

#4) The Fly (remake) - 1986

 Everyone loves a Brundlefly, right?  Fans of Trailer Park Trash & Vampires know that I do.  This has to be one of the best remakes out there.  Cronenberg's take on The Fly is a mind-boggling odyssey into terror ripe with fantastic performances and grotesque visuals.  The drama and gore are supported by a powerful story that will move and revolt you.  This one isn't for the squeamish, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a thoughtful tale, and Cronenberg, a true master, was in top form here.  As a result, the movie is rewarding for those who cherish the principles of film production and horror buffs alike.  The terribly underrated Jeff Goldblum is sensational throughout, and the part of Seth Brundle is one of the most challenging roles you're apt to see portrayed in a horror film. 

The film has little to do with its 1958 predecessor aside from a most basic plot description: a scientist becomes a disgusting man/fly hybrid after a daring teleportation experiment goes wrong.  There are ample opportunities for the crew to display startling effects, and some of the material is extremely hard to watch.  The various side effects of Brundle's grisly transformation and an assault via regurgitation represent some of the most repulsive scenes depicted.  This one isn't packed to the gills with gore, it's not that kind of picture, but there are several disgusting sequences that earn the film the #4 spot on my list.

I'll close by noting that Cronenberg made this picture after watching his father struggle with disease.  With that in mind, know that when you slip this disc in and press "PLAY" you're getting ready to go an emotional rollercoaster ride.  Those who are simply looking for cheap thrills might not be as pleased with the outcome, but anyone who cherishes a good film will find this gorefest to be a pleasant surprise.  Stellar performances courtesy of the key players and a challenging story that ultimately descends into darkness and heartbreak give The Fly a resonance that most of the films on this list lack.  Finally, I have the utmost respect for David Cronenberg and his body of work, and despite my reverence for Videodrome and Scanners, I feel that The Fly is his best picture.

#5) Demons - 1985

Dario Argento penned the script, and the director is Lamberto Bava, son of the legendary Mario Bava, so this was a major film.  The budget is obvious, as the effects are convincing and the wild screenplay calls for some truly outrageous carnage to unfold in this unsettling gem from the 80s.  The soundtrack is all 80s all of the time, with contributions from Mötley Crüe, Billy Idol, and (gasp!) Rick Springfield.   The acting is decent, but there aren't any big stars in the mix, and that's okay.  I have always felt that low-budget horror flicks can benefit from the lack of an established lead.  That makes it harder to know who will make it to the end credits, and that means all of the primary characters are vulnerable, ratcheting up the tension.  That's the case here, and a number of performers deliver riveting performances.  My favorite is Bobby Rhodes as Tony, a pimp who doesn't blink an eye and whips out his switchblade when the people around him start turning into bloodthirsty monsters.

The gore is absurd, particularly the transformation stuff and a birth that I can't adequately describe for you.  Of course, there is a ton of violence, so you'll see people mangled in a variety of ways.  The blood never stops gushing, as this one doesn't take long to get started and stampedes toward a zany conclusion.  The basic premise is that a couple of friends venture to a cinema in West Berlin after one of them is given free passes by a truly bizarre character.  The theater itself is more than a little strange, and the movie being shown is a horror film centered on demons, a picture tied together with some mumbo-jumbo about predictions made by Nostradamus.  Things that happen in this movie-within-a-movie begin to happen within the theater, and soon the place is overrun by ravenous demons.  Before the movie ends, a man riding a motorcycle and wielding a sword will drive through the cinema, slicing up demons as he goes, and a helicopter will crash through the roof.  It's that kind of film.

I have a lot of love for this one, and I think the sequel presented a worthy follow-up.  I loved seeing many of the same players in different roles.  Demons is incredibly violent and incredibly disgusting, and it is surely one of the better gory films that you're apt to view.  It is also very entertaining, and though it is tied to the 80s and it is so over-stylized and bizarre that many won't be able to endure, I hereby label it a gorefest of significance.  Demons boasts striking visuals, a bold color palette, and throbs with enough energy to fuel a dozen lesser pictures.  You may love it or you may hate it, but you won't be bored, and you will be disgusted.

. . .

So there you have it.  I hope it was disgusting enough for you.  Feel free to chime in and share your thoughts.

Were the gorefests of the 80s as excessive as I recall, or did I favor that era a bit too much?

Did I pick the wrong Fulci film?  Should there have been more from the Godfather of Gore on this list?

Was I wrong not to include Dawn of the Dead or Suspiria?  Or any of a dozen other titles that may have warranted a spot on the list?  

What should I discuss in my next Top 5?

The Mighty Chris Visions

I had the pleasure of working with Chris Visions on the illustrated edition of my novel, Trailer Park Trash & Vampires.  The artwork gracing my page here is from the stupendous cover he prepared, and all of the grisly illustrations he composed for the book were savage treats.  He has a wealth of skill and style, and I could go on and about his composition.  Recently, I got to interview Chris for RVA Magazine.  The end result was a fun piece that reveals a lot about Chris and his methods, among other things.  I encourage you to check out RVA and scope out my interview with the mighty Chris Visions.

Thanks, Roger

I didn't always agree with him, but I loved to read his reviews, for he did such a fantastic job of expressing his thoughts.  Indeed, it wasn't just his sound understanding of film that made Roger Ebert so special, it was his ability to provide such vibrant depictions of his reactions to the movies he watched.  While I always found time to see how he sized up my personal favorites, his writing was of such quality that I was compelled to read his take on titles I had no interest in as well. 

I always felt that he was very honest, and whether I shared his opinion or not, I never felt that he harbored any ulterior motives for rating movies as he did.  In short, his work didn't seem as empty or contrived as much of what's out there.  It was always refreshing to know that he was never going to use his platform to direct attention toward himself or tow any company lines.  He was there to do a job, and he did it well.  Too many critics seem to think their reviews are about them, and too many are too quick to echo one another when they compose their reviews.  Now, Roger was very opinionated and he had unique ways of expressing himself, so there was a wealth of personality in his reviews, but that was merely a side effect.  He wrote about the films and their stars, the directors, the writers, and the producers who fund it all.  He wrote about their efforts lovingly, and he didn't mind going against the grain. 

There can be no doubt that Roger Ebert treasured movies, and I think his passion was a boon to the very art he so cherished.  He was good for the movies, no one can argue that, and his voice will be sorely missed.  I'm sure there are countless people across the globe giving his legacy a big thumbs-up today, and he surely deserves it.  Thanks, Roger. 

Top 5 Zombie Films

Well, the third season of The Walking Dead has drawn to a close, but that doesn't mean that we can't find time to celebrate our favorite films featuring zombies.  In fact, it might just get the bitter taste out of our mouths after sitting through that lackluster season finale.

Yes, seeing legions of the undead advance on the living has seldom been so en vogue, but this sub-genre has offered up a great many quality films over the years.  Many of them rank among my personal favorites, and I would be lying if I didn't say that I consider myself to be an expert of sorts on the subject.  So then, let's get this party started.  I hope you will share your thoughts, and I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

Top 5 Zombie Films

1) Return of the Living Dead - 1985

Look, sometimes the pedigree isn't there, yet the end result can still turn out to be a masterpiece.  There aren't enough people out there who cherish Dan O'Bannon and actors like Clu Galager and James Karen were never household names, but it doesn't matter.  Return of the Living Dead is an absolute blast, an insane riff on zombie movies that winds up improving upon the very pictures that it was inspired by and set out to rib.  This surprising outcome isn't necessarily tied to the steady direction or the the terrific performances, and it can't be attributed directly to the rollicking punk score or the quality effects either.  No, Return of the Living Dead works as well as it does because it is a sum of its parts, and they fit together perfectly.

Every role is given the same weight, and that is one of the keys to the movie's power.  Every second matters, and time is running out.  Every scene counts.  Every death is striking.  This is no horror film fueled by senseless nudity and a body count, but it isn't going to disappoint anyone looking for such cheap thrills either.  At the end of the day, everyone should be happy.

This is a fast-moving story with incredible momentum and some of the finest dialogue ever scripted.  It boasts fast zombies and it was made long before recent trends made that the norm.  ROTLD marries itself to the punk rock scene to terrific effect, to include a morbidly charming band of teenage rogues at the forefront, and that superb soundtrack.  There are songs from The Cramps and The Damned and the music really adds a lot to the movie.  The script is wildly inventive, the pace is relentless, and the special effects are totally convincing.

Most of all, though, it's that acidic dialogue that really makes this one work.  As the shit hits the fan and stress levels rise, the characters gripe, plead, sob, taunt, and snarl at one another in a most realistic fashion.  Sometimes they're all talking at once, and the tension is palpable as they face off in verbal duels that resonate.  Exchanges like this one make ROTLD a genuine pleasure:

Chuck: Hey, Casey, do you like sex with death?
Casey: Yeah, so fuck off and die.

Or this one:

Suicide: How come you guys only come around when you need a ride someplace?
Spider: 'Cause you're one spooky motherfucker.

Here's another of my faves:

Frank: What are we gonna do, Burt?
Burt: I'll tell you what I'm going to do.  I'm going to be sued by the Darrow Chemical Company.  I might even be investigated by the government.  I might become very famous.  I might even lose my business.  I might even go to jail, goddamit!  That's what I'm going to do!

And, of course:

Frank: Watch your tongue, boy, if you like this job!
Freddy: Like this job!?!

Return of the Living Dead is volatile, it's scary, it's disgusting, it's lean, and it's just a hell of a good time.  It has to be one of my favorite movies over all, and I'm officially pegging it as my top zombie flick.  It's a quick and bumpy ride that is packed with thrills and laughs, and it remains a fresh take on a beloved sub-genre long after it should have grown stale.  In fact, I think the opposite is true, and as horror features that generate as many chuckles all too often veer into parody, this dazzling blend of terror and humor is becoming more and more potent.  Yes, it's a wild ride, but it also has some serious bite.  This one has it all, and though it may be a strange pick for the top spot on this list, I think it is ferocious enough to warrant it.

2) Dawn of the Dead (original) - 1978

No one says: "Screw the MPAA, we'll release the damn thing unrated."  No one.  Well, no one except George Romero, who landed a major hit in the process.  No one else could capture the goriest satire ever and perhaps one of the most profound statements on commercialism we'll ever see on film.  No one else would have been able to dig so deeply into the premise, lovingly mining each character and the fragile relationships this nightmarish scenario gives birth to.  No one else could have brought us the sheer heartbreak that comes as a result of watching these determined survivors struggle, facing off with both the undead and their futile attempts to pretend that things really aren't all that different when there aren't zombies trying to knock down the door.

Dawn of the Dead follows four survivors trying to find their way in a zombie apocalypse.  They set up shop in a mall and make an attempt to find some sort of solace.  They find some measure of peace, but it isn't long before a marauding band of bikers/looters come barreling through.  It's a tragedy, really, but there are thrills, and there's a lot of humor, and somehow this one doesn't wind up feeling like the downer it truly is.  While the viewer must pay an emotional toll, there is a lot of fun to be had along the way.  This film has a little bit of everything, to include terror, drama, suspense, and comedy, and it strives to be a character study of the highest order.

It should be noted that none of the leads were established stars, but that doesn't stop these thespians from putting on a hell of show.  The four lead roles are all rather complex, but all of the performers involved deliver.  Tom Savini shines in a small but crucial part, and his effects work is still impressive to behold.  That man was a wizard, and his importance to the horror genre can't be overstated.  I believe this was his finest hour and his strongest contribution to the industry.

Dawn of the Dead is certainly Romero's best movie, and it may just be the richest zombie film of all time.  I enjoyed the remake, but it lacked the depth and the scope of the original.  In truth, this is the biggest and most remarkable zombie picture of them all, and it is amazing to think that George set his sights so high and delivered such a rousing feature.  Dawn of the Dead is a true juggernaut, a massive film that continues to shock and entertain.  Many will argue that it should hold the top spot on this list, and, in fact, it did when I last sat down to rank the best of the zombie films.  I have the utmost respect for this film, and I can appreciate the argument that it should be king of the mountain.  I just chose to go in a different direction this time.

3)  Night of the Living Dead (original) - 1968

The little picture that started it all is still a potent horror film; it remains genuinely disturbing and continues to inspire conversation some 45 years after its release.  Throughout this lean descent into terror, Romero offers up one deft observation after another.  Despite the presence of the undead fiends who have risen from the grave, it is George's ability to stage conflict amongst the living that makes NOTLD so worthwhile.  This is a theme that he would explore in greater detail throughout his career, but this is Romero at his most bloodthirsty, and the end result is damn impressive.

This is a scary yarn, a grim voyage that concludes on a sour note, and certainly much of the reverence the film receives is due to its ability to scare audiences decades after its original release.  Additionally, people often think that this film is lacking in gore, but I would argue that it merely seems that way because it was shot in black-and-white.  The gore is there, make no mistake about it, it's just that it isn't bright red.  There is a lot of gut-munching, and if there is more gore in George's later efforts, that might have a lot to do with longer running times.

This is a true ensemble piece, following a group of survivors who are immediately thrust into a world gone mad, a world where the dead eat the living.  They take refuge in a desolate farmhouse, and it isn't long before they begin to turn on one another.  This "family" under duress doesn't co-exist well and the tension is almost unbearable at times.  Yes, it's a simple premise, but it serves as the foundation for a rewarding picture that has garnered legions of fans.  The movie works, and the bare-bones premise yields a lot of wit, a lot of insight, and a wealth of scares.

10 years before Romero directed Dawn of the Dead, his talent and his love for the genre were evident.  Though his career trajectory has represented a decline, this film announced the arrival of a genuine presence.  Romero's debut film starts with a bang and never relents, and everyone watching knew that the director of this feature was a voice to be reckoned with.  He would produce at least one more classic, a superior film entitled Dawn of the Dead, but that film has its own spot on this list.  This spot belongs to Night of the Living Dead, a movie that is one of the most significant horror films of all time for a variety of reasons.  Most importantly, NOTLD is a highly-entertaining piece of social commentary that has proven to be a timeless frightfest.


4) Braindead (a.k.a. Dead Alive) - 1992

Zombies have rarely been so much fun.  In 1992, Peter Jackson managed to make one of the sub-genre's most gleefully disgusting pictures of all time.  Braindead is a bizarre love story that is packed with laughs and oozing blood, and you're not likely to find another picture like it.  Indeed, this film goes to such extremes that it nearly becomes a spoof.  There's a kung-fu priest who kicks ass for the lord, a fiendish zombie tot who our hero takes to the park, a vicious Sumatran Rat-Monkey, and the most domineering mother of all time.  Seriously, that mother is a real piece of work.  She makes the Sumatran Rat-Monkey seem like Mickey Mouse.

Forget the plot, this isn't that kind of movie.  This is a movie that is determined to disgust you and tickle your funny-bone in equal measures, and it so far-fetched that it actually becomes quite cartoonish.  While the fright factor is rather low, the film is consistently funny and exciting.

Honestly, I can't emphasize enough just how disgusting Braindead is, but it may just be the bloodiest movie ever filmed.  Romero got an "X" when he submitted Dawn of the Dead to the ratings board in 1978, and it's hard to see how this film fared any better.  Perhaps the MPAA gave Braindead the benefit of the doubt because of the tone, but chuckles aside, this movie is incredibly gross.

There are entire scenes where our hero wages war in a crimson landscape littered with body parts.  The finale is deliriously over-the-top and positively revolting, and it presents a "rebirth" that would have made Freud loose his lunch.  Yes, I went there, and no, I don't have a fever.  Peter Jackson had a fever, and the only prescription he was interested in was more insanity.  That's how he went from Meet the Feebles and Bad Taste to perhaps the only film that could possibly make those productions seem tame, and that would be Braindead, his finest film to date.  Yes, that means I'm placing Braindead above Jackson's LOTR pictures, which are far superior films.  Yet they're rather boring in comparison to this unsettling gem that never fails to provide me with a killer case of the giggles.


5) Zombie (a.k.a. Zombi 2) – 1979

My choice for #5 on this list is the finest offering from a man hailed as the "Godfather of Gore" for good reason.  Some of the films soon to be unveiled here are loaded with quirky humor, but this one is a grueling watch from start to finish.  Yes, Lucio Fulci was known for making his audience squirm, and he was at the very top of his game here.  Some might argue that The Beyond is his best film, but I strongly disagree.  Here, Fulci is on fire, making great use of an ominous score with tribal flourishes and a spooky tropical setting.  Additionally, unlike many of his features, the plot is rather coherent this time out.  Having said that, there's still room for a truly absurd scene where a zombie duels with a shark that will have you admiring the guts (or stupidity) of a man who may just be the world's bravest stuntman.  Yet the true highlight of the picture may be the infamous "eyeball scene" that some of you may have heard about, and that bit is still guaranteed to make you cringe.  

The plot is simple enough: a gutsy reporter and a daring damsel head to a mysterious island in search of her father.  Score 10 points if you expect them to stumble into a nightmare filled with flesh-eating corpses that have somehow come back to life.  Give yourself an additional 10 points if you don't expect anyone to make it out alive.  Yet the power of Zombie has little to do with plot, and owes a great debt to the atmosphere and the horror that Fulci unleashes.   

Zombie is exceptionally gory, and I think it features the most frightening zombies ever depicted on film or television.  There is one sequence where the dead rise from an overgrown cemetery in the midst of the jungle that is positively terrifiying.  Lucio wasn't known for his finesse, and as such this one can be a bit clumsy at times, but it remains tense and frightening after all these years.  In fact, it is probably the scariest film that will be featured on this list.  It might be the most depressing as well, for the 70s were known for gut-wrenching horror flicks with downer endings, and Zombie is no exception.  Speaking of which, the ending is a classic.  Zombie remains one of the most intriguing zombie films ever put on film.  If you haven't experienced Lucio Fulci's most competent shocker, now would be a good time to let this Zombie take a big bite out of you.

. . .

Well, what do you think? 

What's your favorite zombie film? 

What movie should land at the top of the list? 

Note: I have to give a shout out to all the cool people over at RVA Magazine who have been so supportive of me and my work over the years.  I have published a great many Top 5 pieces for them, and this will be an updated version of one of them.  I would just dust off the original, but every time I sit down with one of these lists after a little time away, it changes.  Anyway, I hope you enjoy this Top 5, because you can certainly look forward to more, and if you're not familiar with RVA, do yourself a favor and check them out.

The Walking Dead: Season 3, Episode 16 (Welcome to the Tombs)

Warning: this is as much of a recap as it is a review, so here there be SPOILERS.

The third season of The Walking Dead is a wrap.  In recent weeks, the show had been on fire, and the momentum and hype this strong run generated served to create lofty expectations for the last episode.  Yes, the big finale sought to place an exclamation point on the season, and in many ways it succeeded.  Yet it must be noted that in many ways it was also very disappointing.  Now, I felt that "Welcome to the Tombs" was a solid episode, and were this week 14 or 15, I think I would be more lenient.  However, I think most everyone was expecting much more from the season finale, and despite several important deaths and some extremely intense material, this one failed to close out Season 3 with a bang.  It didn't really come close, truth be told.

Now, the beginning was great.  In fact, I thought this might have been one of The Walking Dead's strongest opening reels.  The Governor worked Milton over and gave him an ultimatum: kill Andrea or die.  I knew Milton was a goner back in Week 14--and, as I recall, in addition to noting that I didn't see him making it to Season 4, I also noted that I couldn't decide if I liked his odds of seeing Season 4 more than those of that sucker who was traveling with Tyreese--but I didn't expect to see Woodbury's resident scientist/idiot make such a ballsy exit.  Anyway, instead of offing Andrea, Milt made a lunge at The Governor and got stabbed for his efforts.  To make matters worse, The Governor coolly advised Milton that he was going to turn and kill Andrea in spite of his heroics.  This was also some of the best stuff we've seen yet courtesy of David Morrissey as The Governor, and the "Kill or die . . . or . . . die and kill" line was sweet. 

Yes, we were off and running, and I was thinking that we were in for quite a show.  Now, so far as Andrea, Milton, and The Governor were concerned, I was right.  Most everything else seemed to be a bit lacking, especially when you consider that this was the end of the road for what has thus far proven to be a damn good season of a terrific program.  Unfortunately, while a killer episode may have established this as the finest season thus far, the end result was a decisive third-place finish for Season 3.  No doubt about it.

Back at the prison, our merry band of survivors were getting ready to bolt.  Carl was ticked off, Glenn was concerned, and Rick and Michonne had a bizarre "I almost handed you to The Governor on a silver platter, but you're one of us" talk that was more than a little odd.  To their credit, Andrew Lincoln and Danai Guriri somehow managed to get the job done, but it was just a strange little chat that I didn't really dig.

In Woodbury, The Governor rallied his troops and led the charge toward the prison, minus Tyreese.  The big dude who can't shoot for shit spoke up during The Governor's Patton impersonation and declared that he wasn't there to fight other people.  After stating that he was going to sit this one out, he offered to stay behind to protect the women and children.    I liked this development, but I thought this scene was also a bit clumsy.  Much of the finale seemed rushed to me, as though AMC was hastily advancing the plot.  At this point, the episode was clearly losing steam, but a worthy finale was still within reach.  After all, the inevitable confrontation we've been waiting for was on the horizon.  Or was it?

Let's talk about what happened at the prison.  Why?  I guess I have to, that's why.  This review/recap wouldn't be complete without it.  Basically, The Governor's troops (I should probably put an asterisk beside troops, but more on that later) hit the scene and blasted the shit out of the prison and all the walkers gathered around the entrance.  In truth, this assault was fairly badass, aside from the fact that Rick and his people were nowhere to be seen.  Growing more and more agitated with every second that passed, The Governor led his troops deeper and deeper into the prison, chasing shadows and rushing toward the distant moans of the undead.  This is probably the point where most of his troops started to realize that The Governor didn't really know what the fuck he was doing.

This fool's army came across a trap, setting off a couple of flash-bombs and attracting walkers.  They escaped the prison and came under fire from Glenn and Maggie, who were clad in body armor.  They sprayed a hell of a lot of lead, but I'm not sure that they hit anyone.  Regardless, The Governor's troops took off, running toward their vehicles.  It was as if the commanding arsenal that they had attacked the prison with mere moments ago was utterly forgotten, and it was patently obvious that The Governor's attempt to play general was bound to end in failure.  Yes, AMC butchered the big confrontation, totally marring both the finale and the season itself in the process.  The bad guys blew a bunch of walkers up, two of Rick's people took a few shots at them, and the bad guys jumped in their vehicles and drove off.  It was a lesson in how NOT to present a thrilling conclusion to a story.

Rick and the rest of the gang emerged and celebrated.  Yay for them.  Oh, and Carl iced some kid who was trying to surrender, much to Hershel's dismay, and then told his dad he killed a soldier who "drew" on him.  Hershel told Rick otherwise and now we have some drama to carry over into Season 4.  Meanwhile, The Governor made his people stop in the middle of the road.  They tell him it's over, they're not soldiers, and he loses it.  This was a very effective scene, and both the music and Morrissey were excellent here.  He gunned all of the troops down aside from Martinez and that one guy that some people thought was Tyreese back at the beginning of the season.  Oh, and the victims here included that sucker who was traveling with Tyreese.  Milton, we'll miss.  That sucker?  Well, we didn't really give a damn about him, now did we?

The Governor and his remaining troops, both of whom were doing an admirable job of playing it cool, got in a truck and drove off.  I bet no one was telling jokes during that ride.  Where did they go?  Well, I thought they were going back to Woodbury, but either I was wrong or they got lost.  What's next for The Governor?  Who knows?  I don't.  Nor does anyone who was relying on the big season finale for information.  That was the last we would see of David Morrissey in Season 3.

Finally, we made our way back to Andrea and Milton.  He had dropped a pair of pliers behind her when The Governor made him gather up all the instruments of torture just lying around earlier in the show.  Milton told Andrea about the pliers, and told her to hurry.  She told him she was going to get out of the chair and save them both, and he told her she was going to get out of the chair and finish him off.  He knew he wasn't going to make it, and he kept telling Andrea to hurry.  She didn't do a great job of listening to him, and by the time she was finally making some progress, Milton was dead.  Soon he turned and began to make his way toward her.  The camera cut away and we heard Andrea scream.

Rick, Michonne, and Daryl decided to go to Woodbury.  I don't know what they were thinking.  I think the writers of the show were thinking for them at that point, and they had loose ends to tie off and the clock was ticking.  Anyway, they picked up this one chick who survived The Governor's massacre so she could join the crew and tell them what happened.   Later, they reached Woodbury and found Andrea.  We thought she was in the clear, because we weren't going to be fooled by that scream after the cutaway, right?  But we were wrong.  She had freed herself and finished Milton off, but not before he took a little bite out of her chest.  Next, we got some emotional stuff that felt rushed on Rick's behalf, but genuine coming from Michonne.  Andrea shot herself and our trio wound up taking Tyreese and all of Woodbury's remaining residents, namely the women and children, back to the prison.

How do I feel about Andrea's exit?  I'm pretty sure I hate it.  This season now stands as a complete and total waste of one of the better performers on the show and one of the comic's most beloved characters.  Andrea was a solid component of AMC's The Walking Dead in the first two seasons, but Season 3 served as a tremendous disappointment in regards to her character.  Maybe the show will find a way to make this up to me, but that's a tall order.

I guess that just about sums it up.  In truth, this episode probably wasn't as bad as it sounds, and I do believe that it would have been perfectly acceptable if it wasn't the season finale.  Yet there was so much to accomplish and the audience's hopes were so high that it's really hard to give this show a good grade in light of the circumstances.  This season warranted a gripping finale with a big showdown, and in truth it needed such an outcome to warrant all the hype and drama that brought us here.  Yet it was a letdown and it cheapened much of what transpired in Season 3.  As bizarre as it sounds, I would have to close this blog out by saying that I enjoyed the episode, particularly the stuff with Andrea, Milton, and The Governor, but I was very disappointed at the same time.  This was a solid episode, but it wasn't a worthy season finale.  Not by a long shot.

Am I being too hard on "Welcome to the Tombs"?

Am I being too hard on Season 3?

When will Rick and The Governor finally come to blows?

Is Carl fucked up?
I'll answer that one for you: Yes, but it's to be expected.

If I'm right, can AMC's The Walking Dead redeem itself in Season 4?

Conan the Raider by Leonard Carpenter

I just read Conan the Raider by Leonard Carpenter again after all these years, and it reminded me of just how much I cherish that character.  I have always preferred the novels to the comics and movies, though I enjoy all of it.  It need not be stated that Robert E. Howard's work with Conan sits atop the food chain, but I'll do so anyway.  The Hyborian Age he envisioned is a ripe environment for exciting tales featuring robust characters, and as such, there are riches beyond his work.  I would argue that many fine writers have produced fiction featuring everyone's favorite barbarian.  In doing so, I may rank Robert Jordan and Leonard Carpenter among the very best of those, and Conan the Raider is a fabulous adventure yarn.

For those who aren't in the know, Conan is a barbarian who spends much of his time thieving or serving as a mercenary.  He detests sorcery and strives to avoid it, though his stories almost always demand that he face this fear.  He is a powerful warrior, adept with a host of weapons, and a gifted leader, though his nomadic spirit always finds him joining some fracas as an outsider.  This larger-than-life hero hails from the northern land of Cimmeria, though his adventures tend to take place in larger cities to the south.

Conan the Raider finds our beloved barbarian in Shem, and the book opens with Conan mired in a delicate situation in the desert.  A kind twist of fate sees him join a band of tomb-raiders boasting a one-time comrade, a thief known as Isaiab.  Conan doesn't like the idea of stealing from the dead, though theft is his profession at this point and his situation offers no reasonable alternatives.

The head of this pack is Otsgar the Vanir, a fellow northener and a terrific foil for our unruly hero.  Conan's interactions with Otsgar were at the heart of this book, and I loved the way their relationship evolved.  Otsgar was nearly Conan's equal, and as he was a bit older and led a similar lifestyle, it was almost as if the barbarian was paired with an older version of himself.  Not surprisingly, their alliance was a turbulent one.  They were allies, then there was a betrayal and they became bitter rivals before uniting once again to face a common enemy.  They drank, they brawled, they fought over the affections of a sexy dancer named Zafriti, and they faced the ranks of the undead and a vile necromancer together.

The book saw Conan labor as a thief, a tomb raider, and he even served a brief stint as a gladiator of sorts before becoming embroiled in a vicious power struggle taking place within the kingdom of Abaddrah.  He deftly balanced his duties as a rogue and as the leader of a rebel army in this city-state perched on the River Styx, sitting directly opposite the darkness and iniquity of Stygia.  The king of Abaddrah was dying a slow and unnatural death while his dastardly Queen Nitokar and the court prophet, wicked sorcerer Horaspes, vied for unimaginable power and all of the kingdom's riches.  Innocent young princess Afrit was caught in the crosshairs, and Conan became her unlikely hero.  Typical stuff for the big guy, who somehow survived one scrape after another, cheating death at every turn, all while being pulled deeper and deeper into the intrigue.

I'm a big fan of zombies, so the legions of the undead that rose to wreak havoc during the book's conclusion were a welcome treat, and Conan the Raider offered up a riveting finale that was appropriately grim.  I enjoyed the book just as much now as I had then, though the years had whittled my memory of the title down to such an extent that I might as well have been reading it for the first time.  Yet I was reminded that spending a little time with Conan is seldom a bad thing, that is unless you somehow wind up crossing swords with him.  In closing, if you're a fan of the character and you're looking to recall your inner teenager, maybe you should dust off an old Conan novel.  Conan the Raider would be a fine choice.  I had a good enough time with it that I may even dig into another of Carpenter's efforts before I move on. 

The Walking Dead: Season 3, Episode 15 (This Sorrowful Life)

Warning: this is as much of a recap as it is a review, so here there be SPOILERS.

With only a pair of episodes remaining in what is shaping up to be an epic season, The Walking Dead put Merle at the center of another solid hour of nerve-wracking horror.  I think last week's episode was a little leaner and the narrow focus produced one of the best entries to date.  "This Sorrowful Life" wasn't quite as polished and it didn't shine quite as brightly as a result, but it was a very good episode that continued to build momentum heading toward this week's big finale.

First off, let's start with the bad, since that's how the show kicked off.  Rick decided to hand Michonne over, and I don't think this worked for anyone.  This felt like a plot device from the very start, and it was a lazy attempt to advance a fine show.  I'm not sure how they could have set this entry up without that development, but leading off on a false note definitely cheapened the episode.  To make matters worse, Rick then approached Merle and told him about his decision while keeping everyone else aside from Hershel and Daryl in the dark. 

Merle knew Rick wouldn't be able to go through with delivering Michonne to The Governor, and he told Rick as much.  Though the scene painted Rick as a buffoon, it was compelling stuff, and little did I know that Michael Rooker was just getting started.  In truth, if you have a guy like him in your cast, you should definitely use him, and "This Sorrowful Life" gave Rooker a wealth of material to play with.  He excelled, which is no surprise to those of us who love his work.  Whenever he was on the screen last night, The Walking Dead was absolutely riveting, and he was the centerpiece of this episode.  If not for Rick's baffling decision at the onset and the latest installment of the Glenn and Maggie soap opera, this would have been an instant classic.

Anyway, recognizing that Rick didn't have the stomach for the job at hand, Merle put his own plan in motion.  He subsequently captured a surprisingly gullible Michonne and set off for the rendezvous with The Governor without Rick or his brother.  Things really picked up from there.  A fantastic scene found Merle trying to boost a ride while Michonne was tethered to a nearby column.  Merle accidentally set the car alarm off, attracting a mob of walkers, and Michonne showed that she doesn't need her hands free to kick some serious ass.  Merle also showed his mettle, and this setpiece continued a recent streak of rousing action scenes.

There has always been a lot of violence on The Walking Dead, and the execution is typically sound, but I feel like the makers of the show are at the top of their game this season.  They've given us a wealth of bloody mayhem that rivals anything you're apt to see on the big screen, and they should be applauded.  It should come as no surprise that horror heavyweight Greg Nicotero was in the director's chair when "This Sorrowful Life" was filmed. 

Back at the prison, Rick (thanks in part to another sighting of Lori's ghost) realized he could no longer stomach the notion of giving Michonne up.  He came clean with the rest of the group and demanded that they become a democracy so he no longer bears the burden of making all of the decisions for them.  Of course, he soon realized that neither Merle or Michonne were on the scene, and it wasn't hard to put two and two together.  He was going to go after them, but Daryl took responsibility and reminded Rick that he needed to be at the prison just in case The Governor moved on them and the shit really hit the fan.  He also noted that Rick had little chance of tracking Merle and Michonne, and we all know that tracking is one of the zombie-killing badass known as Daryl Dixon's specialties. 

Meanwhile, Michonne appeared to be biding her time.  I got the feeling that she was so confident of her ability to turn the tables on Merle that she elected to devote herself to talking him down first, earmarking a struggle for freedom as Plan B.  Maybe that's just me being entirely too enamored with her character, who is one of the best heroines out there in 2013.  I thought it very unlikely that Merle would release her, but the dialogue between these two outsiders was enthralling.  As good as Michael Rooker was in this episode, and he was utterly fantastic, Danai Guriri was nearly his equal despite playing a smaller role.  In the end, Merle shocked me by stopping the car and setting Michonne free.  He made it clear that he wanted to see the group at the prison survive because that's where his brother wanted to be, but he didn't see any way that he could ever become one of them. 

I think he was wrong about Rick and our merry band of survivors; I believe there was a place for Merle at their table.  That's why I'm also willing to recognize that maybe Merle felt that they didn't stand a chance unless someone did something to try and put a dent in the numbers game working against them before all hell broke loose.  Merle did just that, leading a pack of walkers to the rendezvous and unloading on The Governor's troops while they tried to contend with a zombie horde.  I think Merle had a good idea, though getting drunk beforehand wasn't his finest moment, and he did rush things a bit.  Regardless, he took several of The Governor's fighting men out before the bloodthirsty villain Merle once hailed as leader took him down in a vicious fight. 

This was a big moment for The Governor, and it was damn impressive, but I'll admit that it also hit a sour chord with me.  I mean, I know that this character is now a far more frightening rendition of the comic book villain I know and love, and I know that Merle was drunk and winded, but I still think the one-armed man would have won the fight.  I guess that while I'm truly enamored with the direction David Morrissey has taken, particularly in recent weeks, I'm still not completely on board with AMC's version of the character.  Again, I know this was necessary to keep the plot moving, and it was a great way to make The Governor look strong, but I just can't wrap my head around seeing him take Merle out with relative ease.  I think that Merle wins that fight at least seven times out of ten.

Now, to be fair, I was dreading Merle's inevitable exit from The Walking Dead, and I've made my affection for Michael Rooker clear, so maybe that last sentence is just the homer in me talking.  Either way, I'm sad to see Merle go, though I do think the show benefited greatly from bringing him back in Season 3 and devoting so much screen-time to the rowdy rascal.  Merle Dixon, you were an asshole, but you will be missed.  The conclusion of "This Sorrowful Life" found Daryl catching up with his big brother, and we were witness to a gut-wrenching display of emotion as zombie Merle advanced on fan favorite Norman Reedus, forcing Daryl to kill him.  That was almost as powerful as anything we've seen on The Walking Dead, and it was a great way to cap off a nice entry in one of television's most compelling shows.

Yes, there was a fumble on the first snap, and whether you dig the Glenn and Maggie stuff or not, it seemed out of place here, but this was another winner.  Season 3 has produced a lot of those, and as we head toward the finale, many questions loom large, though it is fair to wonder how many of them will be answered.  I think most everyone who follows the program is eager for the big finish, but I also think we all realize that we're approaching a massive cliff-hanger.  I have a feeling the wait for Season 4 is going to be nothing short of agonizing.  I'll be sure to share my thoughts in seven days, but until Episode 16 airs we'll just have to wait and wonder. 

Who will live?

Who will die?

Will the season finale be able to capitalize on all the momentum the show has gained in recent weeks, or will AMC drop the ball?

Will people really riot if Daryl dies?