Monday, August 24, 2020

Powerful Pages - Armor by John Steakley (from 1984)

 


Powerful Pages - Armor by John Steakley (from 1984)

Armor is a tough book to review. Clunky and uneven to the point that it feels downright amateurish at times, it also boasts sequences that are nothing short of superlative. Even when it misfires, the book is involving, and the author manages to hook us on his colorful characters even when they veer toward caricatures and the non-stop action threatens to bludgeon us into tedium. It isn't easy to maintain the pace that Steakley sets, and it's hard to work on such a scale without shattering the ability to sustain belief. I don't think that Steakley ever drops the ball, but he comes damn close enough that I'm inclined to think that many may disagree with me on that front. In fact, some may determine that he drops the ball repeatedly. Armor hammers us with gruesome battles in an endless war and a steady tide of machismo with the volume turned all the way up. And yet there is a lot of insight into the psychology of war and the devious political mechanics of combat masquerading as industry. There is an attachment to the protagonists that doesn't waver but steadily mounts. There is a conclusion that ties a nice bow on the proceedings while posing new questions. At the end of the day, Armror is all about Felix, a man for whom death is a way of life, and Jack Crow, a rogue who is either the most dangerous man in the galaxy or an utter buffoon. If you enjoy their antics as much as I did, you will find a lot to enjoy with this overblown sci-fi yarn. At the same time, anyone yearning for literary prowess is apt to toss this one into the nearest trashcan. I'm going to recommend it with some trepidation--and a robust guarantee that none of my readers will find it boring. 

Final Grade: C+


Thursday, March 5, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)


Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Even the best martial arts movies are a bit goofy, that's the nature of the beast.  If you're going to depict people settling their disputes with a series of colorful showdowns where kung-fu chops and flying kicks decide the battle, you're clearly veering merrily toward the absurd.  Still, most examples of this genre I cherish so much try to operate with something that resembles a poker face.  No Retreat, No Surrender has no shame, good people, no shame whatsoever.  These filmmakers just pile it on.  It's kinda like The Karate Kid, except the villain is basically Ivan Drago as played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.  And instead of Mr. Miyagi, our hero takes lessons from the ghost of Bruce Lee.  No bullshit.  And no 80s cliches were spared, and no fucks were given.  As a result, No Retreat, No Surrender is a cringe-worthy diet of glossy ineptitude complete with a goofy soundtrack boasting hair metal power ballads that often serve as narration.  No, really, and it's horrible, my friends, just horrible.  There are editing mishaps, cliches, line deliveries that are embarrassing to behold, more cliches, and a few more cliches thrown in for good measure as ludicrous plot developments steer us toward a conclusion that is silly as hell.  No, sillier than that.  And, yes, it's also fun, partly because it's one of those good bad movies and it is brimming with unintentional humor, but also because you can't help but get caught up in this shit.  You will cheer at times, and you will feel like an absolute dumbass when you do.  Trust me.  No Retreat, No Surrender approaches cult status by virtue of calamity and aplomb.  Well, that and the undeniable fact that buried within the various mishaps and missteps, there are a couple of worthwhile performances, a few potent bits, and some quality choreography.  Bottom line: it's an entertaining clusterfuck.  You will enjoy it, but some of your brain cells will surely die while you're watching it.

Final Grade: C-

His acting may not be hitting on much in this early role,
but Van Damme shows incredible star power by way of his dazzling physical talents.  

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Powerful Pages - The Predators by Mark Washburn and Robert Webb (from 1985)


Powerful Pages - The Predators by Mark Washburn and Robert Webb (from 1985)

The best book that you will ever read about a televised fight between a great white shark and a Kodiak bear is the worst fucking book that you will ever read.

Final Grade: I will not honor this shit with a grade.

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)


Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Maybe this isn't exactly high praise, but The Sword and the Sorceror is one of the best Conan clones released in the early 80s.  Yes, most of those pictures are atrocious, but the point stands.  Lurid and pulpy, this Albert Pyun venture doesn't take itself seriously despite the presence of traditional genre themes like vengeance, conquest, and destiny.  It is easy to imagine Pyun calling "cut" after takes and imploring his cast to add more cheese to their deliveries.  No one plays it straight, and Richard Lynch and Lee Horsley engage in a supreme duel to see who can ham it up the most in the two most important roles.  Namely, the hero and the villain, and I'm pretty sure you can guess which one is which.  We've got melodramatic music cues, shameless T&A, and bursts of extreme gore.  And you can't bring this movie up without referencing the sword with three blades, which may rank as the greatest of the absurdities in play.  Oh, and this sword with three blades can fire those blades as projectiles--and the effects work that allows this to transpire is just as meh as what you're picturing in your head.  That's an exception to the rule, however, as most of the effects in the picture are rather convincing.  That's more than I can say for the fight choreography, which is rugged and inspired, but not all that deft.  You know the drill: lots of aggressive strikes that are all too easy to block coupled with frenzied snarls.  Work it , boys.  Yeah, it is that kind of show.  But you know what?  It's far from dull, and in fact, it's pretty damn fun from start to finish.  There are even moments where it is rather incredible.  Also, I mentioned the gore earlier--as a horror junkie, I'm going to double down here.  The gore is a nice touch.  Livens things up nicely.  So, if you're going to dial up something of this ilk that isn't Conan the Barbarian or The Beastmaster, The Sword and the Sorceror is your only hope.  Pop open a frosty, and you may just enjoy the hell out of this bloody romp that thrives on cliches and machismo.

Final Grade: C+


Good old Talon and the three-bladed sword.  Silly as hell, yes, and also pretty fucking gnarly.

Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - Tentacles (1977)


Short Attention Span Review - Tentacles (1977)

Here's a transcript of pretty much anyone watching Tentacles for the first time:

Hey, how did they get Henry Fonda to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get Shelley Winters to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get John Huston to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get Claude Akins to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, Bo Hopkins is in this piece of shit.

Man, I'm too hard on Bo, who played the hell out of Bo Hopkins in a lot of good movies.  And a lot of bad movies too.  This is one of his less inspired takes on Bo Hopkins.  Pretty sure he decided to ease up on the throttle when he saw the line where he declares that the threat at the heart of this lame duck of a creature feature is indeed a giant octopus.  He delivers this line with all the gusto of a man who has misplaced all of his gusto.  I don't think he even bothered to play Bo Hopkins in that scene.  Pretty sure he was picturing Bo Hopkins cashing a check.  Honestly, it kind of sucks for the guy.  I bet working with Fonda was a big deal for most actors.  And I feel like Bo might have avoided the subject.

Anyone: Hey, didn't you make a movie with Henry Fonda in 1977?
Bo: (takes a drink) I don't want to talk about that movie I made with Henry Fonda in 1977.

Final Grade: D

Question: Why did it get a "D" after that abominable write-up?  Well, I mean . . . it does have Bo Hopkins in it.

This will not happen to your face when you watch Tentacles.  Your brain, maybe, but not your face.

Short Attention Span Review - 21 Bridges (2019)


Short Attention Span Review - 21 Bridges (2019)

21 Bridges is a slick thriller that spends a few minutes introducing us to our main character and then plunges us into a violent manhunt that will run the course of the film.  Many have complained that it tips its hat too soon in some regards, but I think they may have missed the point.  21 Bridges is no mystery, even if it does have a few tricks up its sleeve.  No, this is a deft exercise in action cinema with a solid character study unfolding just beneath the surface.  In many ways, it reminded of a classic western--those pictures were seldom unpredictable, but they brought us joy by introducing us to tough heroes forced to grapple with tough choices when they weren't dodging bullets or gunning villains down.  Often, the most despicable villains did their best to steer clear of these showdowns, manipulating desperate men from the shadows.  21 Bridges offers Chadwick Bosman (who most of us know as Marvel's Black Panther) the chance to take the helm for such an affair, and he proves that he is a genuine star.  He is just as convincing when the script requires him to use his wits or search his soul as he is when the time comes to let the lead fly or engage in a top-shelf foot chase.  Bosman simply excels as Andre Davis, a good man trying very hard to do the right thing on one very difficult night.  Bosman is not the only superlative performer taking the stage in this crisp thrill ride--he is quite literally surrounded by gifted thespians like Sienna Miller and J.K. Simmons, and all of his co-stars strive to match his intensity.  Taylor Kitsch looms large as one extremely dangerous fugitive, but I am comfortable stating that there isn't anything that even remotely resembles a bad showing from anyone involved.  The production values are exceptional, and as such, 21 Bridges looks and sounds phenomenal.  I won't label it a modern masterpiece, but it is most assuredly a Grade A thriller buoyed by a stellar cast.

Final Grade: A

Director Brian Kirk makes good use of a well-rounded cast, but wisely centers the action on Chadwick Bosman, who is simply marvelous throughout.

Saturday, February 22, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)


Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

This is one of the first movies that I ever saw, and it may be the first horror movie that I watched.  That honor belongs to either this cheap horror/thriller hybrid or The Boogens.  Recently, I snagged a copy of Jungle Heat on VHS and revisited it.  Despite some pronounced shortcomings that it can't quite overcome (namely, the budget--or lack thereof), Jungle Heat does enough well to deserve a little more love from the horror community.  For starters, I found Peter Fonda to be on point, and the fact that his flawed hero is both a struggling alcoholic and a real dick made the character more intriguing.  As a general rule, you don't want your leading man to be an asshole, but hey, if you go that route, at least you're doing something different.  Deborah Raffin is way too good for the picture, and does a fine job of stumbling into jeopardy and putting up with Fonda's shit.  Which is somewhat understandable, since his role requires him to rescue her whenever he isn't getting drunk or being a dickhead.  The mood is a definite win; Jungle Heat has a wonky vibe that slowly descends into serious dread during a bleak closing reel that feels more 70s than 80s.  The sound design also warrants praise--when we finally get to the creature element of this low rent creature feature, the little boogers may look lame as fuck, but they sound terrifying.  Those roars are seriously gnarly, and an otherwise mundane score ramps up as everything goes bad in that grim finale.  Of course, the script is uneven, the direction is lackluster, and the budget is a genuine embarrassment, so Jungle Heat often runs cold.  Still,  while it's frequently regarded as abysmal by those who remember it at all, I rate it passable at worst and pretty damn dope in brief splashes of creepy mayhem.

Final Grade: C


Peter Fonda is a total dick in this cheap horror flick that I may be somewhat biased toward--it was one of the first movies I recall seeing.
To revisit this childhood fave, I had to seek out a copy on VHS.  Kicking it old school, peeps.

Friday, February 21, 2020

Powerful Pages: The Andromeda Evolution by Daniel H. Wilson (from 2019)


Powerful Pages: The Andromeda Evolution by Daniel H. Wilson (from 2019)

This kinda felt like the Jaws 2 of novels.  Jaws is a true masterpiece, and I would apply this label to both the book directed by Peter Benchley and the film adaptation directed by Spielberg.  Meanwhile, Jaws 2 is an okay sequel.  A serviceable effort rendered by a competent artist.  Again, I would apply this label to both the book by Hank Searls and the film adaptation from Jeannot Szwarc.  The Andromeda Strain was a landmark novel of science fiction written by one of the finest authors of his or any other generation.  The Andromeda Evolution is enjoyable enough, and Daniel H. Wilson's attempt to mimic Crichton's mesmerizing and information-rich prose is occasionally superlative and never anything less than tolerable.  While it suffers by comparison to its predecessor, The Andromeda Evolution is a worthwhile read that maintained my interest.  There were some striking ideas in play, and the execution was undoubtedly professional if not inspired.  The third act is a bit too much, in my humble opinion; certain developments strained the fabric of credibility so essential to Crichton's premise to the breaking point and beyond.  I did find myself liking the characters, and I thank Wilson for the opportunity to revisit this property.  Fans of The Andromeda Strain will want to experience this sequel, and I suppose I would encourage them to do so--at their leisure.

Final Grade: B-

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies


Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies

Well, this is long overdue.  Those who have followed my blog or perused my offerings for RVA Magazine are familiar with my "Top 5" pieces.  And those who know me best are well aware that I've been a big fan of Wings Hauser since I was a teenager haunting my local video stores and carrying on a torrid relationship with cable television.  No bullshit, there are framed photos of Wings on display in my home, a testament to both my fascination with this bold talent and my wife's love for me.    


A star athlete who took his moniker from the position he played in football ("wingback"), Hauser embraced his Hollywood roots and made the jump to acting at an early age.  Known for his over the top antics and his ability to portray lunatic heavies or tough-guy heroes alike with profound intensity, Wings became a true blue B movie icon.  Not only that, but many may be surprised at the depths of his artistry.  In addition to his work on the screen, Hauser has also directed motion pictures.  Hell, he even cut an album for RCA (Your Love Keeps Me Off the Streets) in 1975.


I consider myself an authority where his filmography is concerned, and working up this Top 5 had me sweating bullets.  If you combine his work in film and television, Wings has well over a hundred acting credits to his name.  There are some fine pictures and a dazzling array of bravura performances within those ranks.  Sometimes this blogging business is a tough gig, good people, but after a lot of deliberation, I have made my picks.



Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #5) Deadly Force (1983)

Honestly, this one could aptly be described as equal parts "rogue cop hunting a serial killer" flick and "rogue cop hunting a serial killer" parody a la Airplane!.  Yes, Deadly Force is pretty fucking ridiculous.  It's also highly entertaining, mostly due to Hauser's off the rails work as the lead.  Wings stars as Stoney Cooper (no explanation is given, so we're left to assume that his birth name is actually Stoney), an ex-cop who plays by his own rules and embodies pretty much every cliche imaginable where such heroes are concerned.  The character is outrageous, a hackneyed creation who plays the piano when he isn't using bravado and tenderness to negotiate with would-be bombers or traveling across the country to hunt down a serial killer as a favor to an old friend.  No, really.  This caricature comes courtesy of a contrived plot that piles on the excess at every turn and hits so many familiar beats that it emerges as a cinematic exercise in recycling.  However, Wings throws himself into the role with such passion, physicality, and abandon that the viewer can't help but be pulled in--even while groaning at the shameless exploitation on display.  Case in point: there's a big sequence where Stoney is nearly gunned down while taking a bath, requiring Hauser to flail around in the nude.  In slow motion.  For entirely too long.  And he's all in, peeps, devoting himself to the scene as though it were the sleazy action movie equivalent of Marc Antony's funeral speech.  It has to be seen to be fully appreciated.  It's Deadly Force, guys.  It's trashy, it's absurd, it's relentless, and it is so painfully bad that it arrives at oh so very good.  It's also a perfect example of the flamboyant machismo that made Wings a pillar of the cult cinema circuit.

Stoney Cooper, ladies and gentlemen.  You can try to take him out while he's taking a bath, but he'll roll around showing the world his soapy ass and dodging bullets, and then he'll hunt you down. 


Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #4) Reason to Die (1990)

Wings specialized in violent motion pictures; he usually played either a hero operating outside the law or a deranged baddie.  Reason to Die is a film he carries as the good guy while Arnold Vosloo oozes menace as a psycho who preys on prostitutes in South Africa.  Reason to Die stands out for two reasons.  First, while many of Hauser's films were hampered by meager budgets or shoddy craftsmanship, this is one slick production free of such shortcomings.  In particular, I think it makes great use of the setting, with the seedy underbelly of South Africa giving the filmmakers an unusual palette.  This makes some of the familiar machinations of the plot feel less derivative, and it gives the piece as a whole a different feel.  Secondly, it may just be the most violent of Hauser's movies.  Vosloo is largely responsible for this, with his twisted killer notching a body count that would make Jason Vorhees proud.  These killings come in the most gratuitous fashion, with the picture placing a shameless emphasis on titillation and terror.  Wings bashes plenty of heads together on the hunt for this prolific madman, enduring intense scrutiny from the local authorities every step of the way.  This is a fast-paced affair, and it is strictly designed to deliver the goods where fistfights, gunfights, and murder are concerned.  Even for this sort of cult cinema thriller, Reason to Die is a bit savage, and forgive me, but I do see that as a selling point.  Having said that, there is also a commendable effort made to inject some emotional heft into the proceedings, and Wings surely makes the most of this opportunity.  It's almost enough to give this Elliot Canner character legitimate depth.  Almost.  He shows some heart, but remains too damn badass to feel like anything other than a gritty B movie hero.  Shit, toward the end of the picture, he uses his lover as bait in a desperate bid to bring Vosloo down.  At the end of the day, Reason to Die is no masterpiece, but it could be seen as a master class in sadistic exploitation and sleazy thrills.  Wings is at his brazen best throughout, and Reason to Die is a perfect example of his no holds barred brand of entertainment.

There's a whole lot of violence going down in this bloody 1990 thriller.
Also: this is the face your lover makes when you use them as a bait to land a serial killer.


Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #3) Siege of Firebase Gloria (1989)

The third picture to make my list is probably the best Vietnam movie you never saw.  Now, this picture is light-years from landmark offerings like Apocalypse Now or Platoon, but ranks among the very best of the Vietnam features produced in the absence of a visionary director and a big budget.  There's a lot of trash in this vein, but there are also movies like Go Tell the Spartans or The Boys in Company C.  Siege of Fireplace Gloria belongs among those outings, and one of its biggest assets is a strong performance from Wings as DiNardo, a steely Marine who unravels during the Tet Offensive.  Playing a sidekick of sorts to the great R. Lee Ermey, Wings shows a bit of subtlety here and there (not exactly his trademark), and also gets to display a bit more range than usual.  It's a rare supporting part for Hauser and an even rarer starring role for Ermey.  This pairing is a big win in my book--they play well off of one another, and if either of these parts had been miscast, the movie itself would have misfired and descended into the ranks of those lesser war movies.  Gritty and well-rounded, Siege of Firebase Gloria doesn't sanctify its heroes or demonize its villains.  Many have come forward to hail it as one of the more realistic depictions of the horror and confusion that defined this particular military conflict.  It focuses on tough men making tough choices in the toughest of conditions, and in doing so, it paints a picture that is both grim and inspiring.  Siege of Firebase Gloria is not a typical Wings flick at all, but it is one of the better movies that he appeared in, and it shows a different side of this cult cinema stalwart. 

This would be one of those forgettable war flicks if not for these two guys, who play extremely well off of one another.


Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #2) Mutant a.k.a Night Shadows (1984)

Note: What follows is my Short Attention Span Review of Mutant from March 15, 2015.  I thought about writing a new capsule for this Top 5, but there's a segment in this review spotlighting Bo Hopkins that ranks among my favorite bits that I have ever included in one of my reviews.  I couldn't pass up the chance to share it once more.

I'm pretty sure that Mutant (a.k.a. Night Shadows) is a bad movie.  It may even be a terrible movie.  I'm also going to give it a decent grade here because I believe that it is very entertaining.  Honestly, it may actually be a good movie--fairly good anyway.  Forgive me, sometimes it's hard to tell with these schlocky horror flicks.  I am sure of this: if it is good, it's not very good, and if it is bad, it's of the "so bad that it's good" variety.  The leads are Wings Hauser and Bo Hopkins, so that definitely earns the picture some credit in my book.  I'm a big fan of Wings, and I feel that his B-movie legacy is the stuff of legend.  He has also appeared in some major films, to include his amazing performance in Vice Squad, a personal favorite of mine.  Bo Hopkins was a charismatic and likable performer who always did a great job of playing Bo Hopkins.  Not surprisingly, he plays Bo Hopkins well in Mutant.  Wings and Bo hold this creative shocker together despite some flaws, most of which pertain to the lackluster creature effects and make-up.  Yet there are some decent scares, and the plot sprinkles a few surprises in the mix to keep us on our toes throughout.  There are a host of maniacal hillbillies that our heroes must deal with when they aren't on the run from a new breed of zombie/vampire/mutant/I'm-not-really-sure-exactly-what-the-hell-these-things-are.  These shambling mystery monsters are the result of the reckless disposal of volatile waste, making Mutant another of those "Man fucks with the ecosystem, man gets eaten" stories they taught us about in high school.  Only man doesn't get eaten this time out--it's a twist!  These things that resemble sick people wearing Alice Cooper make-up have slits on their palms that ooze acidic slime.  If they touch you and get this perilous slime on you, you get to join the club.  Hey, it's different, and it ramps up the tension considerably during the rollicking finale.  With zombies, you can fight them off so long as they don't sink their teeth into you, but with these things, you're toast if they manage to touch you.  The direction from John "Bud" Cardos (the man responsible for Kingdom of the Spiders) is solid, and the film zips along.  For whatever reason, I'm actually really fond of Mutant, and while some will surely view it as a failure, I'm definitely going to give it a passing grade.

Note: I gave it a "C."  Still, it's a very entertaining C.  I chose it for the second spot on this list because it is one of Hauser's most enjoyable features.  This is one of those movies I can watch over and over again.  It's far from perfect in so many regards, but it is perfectly entertaining.  Wings is at his very best, and of all the films where he got to wear the white hat, I would pick this part as his most likable hero.  It's also one of a handful of such films where he's more of a normal guy than some absolute badass, but he does handle himself pretty well once the shit hits the fan.  If you dig horror films of this era and want to see Wings kill it as a good guy taking on asshole hillbillies and kooky mutant/zombie hybrids, Mutant is where it's at.

These guys really want to get their hands on my list of the Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies.


Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #1) Vice Squad (1982)

Hauser's breakthrough role remains his best performance all these years and parts later, and Vice Squad is also the best movie he ever appeared in.  It is exploitation at its very best, operating with a laser focus as a single night of savage debauchery unfolds.  Wings plays Ramrod, a psychotic pimp, and he doesn't just steal every scene he's in, he steals the entire movie.  This despite career-best performances from both Season Hubley and Gary Swanson as the de facto leads.  And Hubley and Swanson are both fully immersed and absolutely terrific in this sleazy thriller on speed, and their work also deserves high praise.  Wings is simply on another level, snarling and raging as one of the most despicable heavies the cinema has ever spawned.  The part is a perfect match for Hauser's boundless energy and formidable swagger--I would say it's a match made in heaven, but if you ask any of the hookers he ravages or rival pimps that he castrates, they'll likely dub it a match made in hell.  The script is a treasure chest brimming with kooky scenes, dope lines, potent suspense, and ferocious action.  And at least one huge laugh that comes from out of nowhere.  It's hard to believe that director Gary Sherman didn't become a household name in the industry, though horror fans may fondly recall his Raw Meat.  It's no surprise that Hauser went on to become such a presence in the motion picture industry, though it is certainly fair to wonder why he didn't secure more showcase roles in equally transcendent features.  In truth, when I started this Top 5, I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that it would culminate with Vice Squad.  I hold the film itself in high esteem, and Ramrod is one of the most darkly charismatic characters I have ever encountered.  He's a monster, but he is so dogged and Hauser is so guns-blazing intense that you almost wind up rooting for the guy.  One thing is for sure: movies are seldom so exciting as when this rampaging lunatic is running wild on the screen, and few performers have been so impressive in any role.  If you want to see Wings Hauser at his very best, dial up Vice Squad and enjoy the show.  

Note: For a more in-depth look at what may be the best exploitation movie of them all, please check out the Cult Classics from Dimension X piece I did for Vice Squad way back in 2013.

Wings Hauser rages across the screen in Vice Squad, which may be the best exploitation movie ever made.

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - Knives Out (2019)


Short Attention Span Review - Knives Out (2019)

Knives Out is a fun picture, an entertaining mystery that defies as many traditions of that sub-genre as it honors.  It is both quirky and inventive, and like many great whodunits that came before, it embraces humor as much as red herrings and sinister motives.  The setting is appropriately affluential and ghoulish, and every character who falls under suspicion is a fiendish wonder.  The talent represents a phenomenal assortment of performers, and you can see just how much they enjoy embodying these delicious characters and contributing to the festivities.  At the center of all this impish mayhem is Daniel Craig, who may have contributed his best work to director Rian Johnson's devious winner.  Craig is sheer perfection as a sharp P.I. whose charm is as keen as his wit, a sly gentleman who relishes his work--the character seemingly falls somewhere between Columbo and Poirot.  The plot is razor-sharp, the cinematography is flawless, and the pace is leisurely when it should be and riveting when the big moments arrive.  Everything comes together nicely, and I just can't find anything to complain about where this bodacious film is concerned.  This isn't one of those masterpieces that change the face of the cinema or leave audiences transfixed, but it is a surefire exercise in entertainment that never misses the mark.  I can't end this review without alluding to Chris Evans, who gleefully sinks his fangs into the role of an arrogant jerk, while Don Johnson and Jamie Lee Curtis were a match made in heaven.  Again, Craig may be the star, and he is incredible, but everyone drills down and delivers the goods.  I could give shoutouts to all the stars assembled for this subversive indulgence and it would feel warranted.  Knives Out is a blast, dear readers, and anyone who doesn't enjoy this sensational motion picture clearly cannot be trusted where the cinema is concerned.

Final Grade: A+


Daniel Craig is a delight to behold in this off-kilter whodunit, but the said could be said of all the talent involved.

Saturday, February 8, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - The Prodigy (2019)


Short Attention Span Review - The Prodigy (2019)

Man, those creepy kids.  They get me every time.  I think they give a lot of us the willies, because the creepy kid sub-genre is always churning out new additions.  The problem with a lot of these flicks is that they often cover similar ground.  I think that's why I found the first half of The Prodigy so refreshing.  It sought to do something different, and it did so effectively.  Not only that, but it was subdued and spooky.  Had something of a classy horror vibe to it.  That's when the picture was at its best.  As it neared the end, it did a lot of things that we have seen before.  It did them well, and it was nice and dark--some of these developments were downright horrific, and the execution was sound.  Still, given that it began as a departure, I found the familiar beats in the closing reel to be a bit of a letdown.  In particular, the ending itself was basically a carbon copy of the conclusion to my favorite example of this sub-genre, a masterpiece in the horror genre at large that will go unnamed here because this note would be quite the spoiler otherwise.  That felt a bit lazy, and undermined a lot of the good faith this one built up for much of its runtime.  Still, it certainly held my interest, and there were some quality jolts in the mix.  The performances were compelling, the atmosphere was rich, and the technical merits were all top-notch.  The Prodigy is a well-made horror movie, and it certainly warrants some praise.  Having said that, if the finale could have been as inventive as the opening, this one may have emerged as a minor classic.

Final Grade: B-


The Prodigy is a pretty good example of the creepy kid sub-genre, which always manages to deliver a few chills.

Friday, February 7, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)


Short Attention Span Review - A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

I'm an avid fan of Stephen King, and Salem's Lot is my favorite novel by him.  I'm also a big fan of Tobe Hooper's TV adaptation of the book, which is faithful in many ways, and also quite dissimilar from the source material in many ways.  With that in mind, I think I'm supposed to hate this movie.  I know a great many do.  And to be clear, it doesn't even pretend to exist in the same universe, which may be offensive to a lot of fans.  Aside from the name of the town, a New England setting, and the presence of vampires, it bears no resemblance to King's vision or Hooper's adaptation.  It's kind of like a reboot before reboots were a thing, albeit a reboot disguised as a sequel.  Many see this as an unforgivable sin, but it doesn't bother me as much.  It's also one of director Larry Cohen's lesser efforts, which is often considered a mark against it.  Okay, I agree, it's far from his best work--but a subpar Larry Cohen movie is still above average.  That's my take, anyhow.  And he brought Michael Moriarty along for the ride, and Moriarty does his usual bang-up job for the director who understood how to utilize him best.  Surprisingly, however, Moriarty is overshadowed by Samuel Fuller in this one--I know that's a bold statement, but it's true.  In fairness, Moriarty is a bit more of a standard lead here, while Fuller has a far more interesting character and the script blesses him with the picture's best lines.  I also enjoyed Andrew Duggan as the big bad, and I don't mind the hokey effects as much as many do.  I'm not going to make a case for A Return to Salem's Lot as a really good movie, but I'm not lumping it in amongst all those good bad movies I love so much either.  It's an okay fright flick, nothing special, but entertaining enough.  It moves at a brisk pace, and it offers up some intriguing ideas along the way.  There's a decent amount of blood and gore, and the characters are easy enough to root for.  This is a movie that many despise because of what it isn't, but it never pretends to be any of those things.  It's just a wonky little vampire movie from a gifted director who borrowed a setting from a literary giant, but approached the project with no great aspirations and a meager budget.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Final Grade: C+

I wouldn't have thought it possible for anyone to upstage Michael Moriarty in a Larry Cohen picture, but Samuel Fuller did just that.

Thursday, February 6, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)


Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Disclaimer: yes, this is another bad movie I love.  Been revisiting a lot of those lately.  Devilfish is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.  It is atrocious in too many ways to list in a single review, much less one of my Short Attention Span Reviews.  And yet, I love it.  This love affair goes all the way back to my teens.  A rental store I frequented (Brewer's was the name, and anyone who also hails from lowly southside VA may well have treasured the place as much as I did) had a copy, but it was never available.  I guess someone lost it.  So, I would look at the box, and given my love for shark movies and Italian horror, it seemed like a potential classic.  Honestly, take a gander at that poster.  Looks pretty fucking cool, doesn't it?  Yeah, I thought so too.  Anyway, time passed.  No shit, it may have been a year--it was several months at a minimum, and then one fateful day the rental copy showed up.  I don't know if someone found it and returned it, or if it had been misplaced somewhere in the store and they located it.  Either way, one Friday night it was there.  I had to see it, and I was expecting a showstopper.  What I beheld that night was an absolute turd, but it had me roaring with laughter.  Some of the dialogue is wretched (the sheriff repeatedly says "What we are dealing with is a monster," and his wooden delivery paired with that lovely line gets me every time), many of the performances are far worse (there is a surefire candidate for worst death scene ever filmed included in the picture), the effects are horrendous, and the plot is the worst thing about the movie.  But it is somehow entertaining, perhaps because it is so hilariously inept, but also because Lamberto Bava was a good enough director to keep things lively in spite of all the movie's considerable failings.  Over the years, I would rent this one often and show it to people for kicks.  I even got my parents to watch it one Saturday night, and while my dad did little but groan, my dear departed mother laughed herself silly.  It remains a personal favorite for all the wrong reasons, and these days I seem to enjoy it more each time I view it.  I'm giving it a C+ here, even though it surely registers as an F.  Give me another twenty years and it may raise to a B in my book.

Final Grade: C+


Just look at that shit.  This movie is fucking terrible.  And that's what makes it so awesome.

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - Brightburn (2019)


Short Attention Span Review - Brightburn (2019)

Brightburn is a pretty good horror movie built upon a premise that feels much bigger than the fruit it has produced.  I enjoyed it, and I think most horror fans will find it to be perfectly satisfactory.  And I also reckon that many others will share the notion that it could have been much better.  Maybe that's unfair; after all, I'm not sure exactly what more I wanted from it.  Then again, this is a dark riff on the superhero genre, and I find that superhero movies without a worthy antagonist fall short of the mark.  Maybe that's what's lacking here.  Once the picture takes shape, it is quite clear that the protagonists don't stand a chance.  Making matters worse, they're not smart enough or tough enough for your garden variety fright flick threat, much less young Superman by way of John Carpenter.  Still, there are dark thrills aplenty in Brightburn, and there's a surprising amount of gore.  The kills are pretty sadistic, and once things heat up in the second act, they come fast and furious.  Elizabeth Banks is awesome, but that's old news.  David Denman impressed me with his efforts to depict both a pissed off dad who feels the need to put his foot down and a dad who recognizes that his son could incinerate him with laser vision.  Most importantly,  Jackson A. Dunn made for one creepy kid.  Just a mean little bastard.  With super powers.  Yeah, that's pretty scary, but I just can't help but feel that it could have been scarier.  Sometimes that's the danger with a really sound pitch--even if you deliver the goods, you may leave people wishing you had somehow done more.  Anyway, it's still a dope movie, and I am not playing about those gruesome kills.  

Final Grade: B-


Brightburn is dark and surprisingly gory.  It is also a good movie, but one can't help but feel that the premise should have yielded something bigger.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - Ready or Not (2019)


Short Attention Span Review - Ready or Not (2019)

A lot of people hyped this one up, but the premise and the ad campaign didn't exactly rock my world. When I sat down to watch it this weekend, it started out fine, but I still wasn't sure that it would make good on all that noise.  And then it just started to click for me.  In a big way.  I cringed, I gasped.  I laughed out loud.  Not like when you type "lol," but like when you really do laugh out loud.  Anyway, the movie just seemed to get better and better, and unlike many pictures that gain such momentum, it absolutely nailed the end.  By the time the credits had rolled, I felt pretty sure that I had just enjoyed a new classic.  This is one of those ventures that holds massive appeal for me: a quirky and subversive vessel ripe with humor and gore.  Ready or Not is a great example of how to balance morbid guffaws with unexpected splashes of blood and guts.  There are tense moments, surprises, gratuitous displays of audacious mayhem, sly chuckles, big laughs, and even bigger laughs.  The script is a delicious oddity, the direction is sound despite a few offputting choices where the color palette is concerned, and the talent makes the most of the material.  This is the kind of film where it is so damn hard to pick a favorite.  Samara Weaving was a revelation as the spirited and tough heroine with a fondness for foul language--and great taste in shoes.  Adam Brody may have played the best drunk brother in the history of the cinema, and I guess that's a dubious honor, but it's an honor nonetheless.  Andie MacDowell paired warmth and an icy chill to perfection, while Nicky Guadagni put on a master class in creepy and intense.  And then there's Henry Czerny, who unraveled in glorious fashion, veering from practical and steady to outraged, incredulous, and hilariously unhinged.  Most importantly, the movie was just so damn entertaining.  It was a perfect example of the motion picture as a thrill ride, and I can't recommend this one highly enough.  Yes, I'm late to that party, but maybe I'm merely fashionably late.  Either way, Ready or Not is a blast, and I hope to find it playing on my television often.

Final Grade: A+


Ready or Not is a bloody good time at the movies.  Bravo!


Thursday, January 30, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)


Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

People who read this blog are looking at that poster and seeing the names Sybil Danning and Wings Hauser, and I'm sure the obvious question has reared its ugly head.  Is this another of those bad movies that this dude really likes?  Yes.  Yes, it is.  Look, here's the thing: I don't like most bad movies.  Hell, I despise camp for camp's sake.  But there are bad movies I enjoy, and an awful lot of them feature my main man Wings Hauser.  It's a simple formula, really: give the man time to shine, and he will make the movie worth watching.  Of all the bad movies that he has starred in (and there are many), there are only a few that fail to entertain.  Most of those are titles where his name is featured prominently, but his role is meager.  This isn't one of those movies.  Here, he's given ample time to ham it up, and he does so with shameless aplomb.  He plays a deranged painter/killer who carries on a one-way conversation with God throughout the movie, hoping to impress the big guy.  Often, he is hoping to impress him with the creativity or outright cruelty he displays in his numerous killings.  If you are familiar with Wings, you can see where pairing the actor with that part makes this a must-see action cheapie.  In the lead role, we have Sybil Danning, who says very little and kills lots of villains.  Honestly, as a youngster, I only saw her as eye candy, this despite the fact that she often mixed it up where gunfights, catfights, and even a swordfight or too are concerned.  However, to my knowledge, this is the only time she was picked to star in such a film, and I feel that she carried it off well.  I think I sold her short in my youth, and if she did anything else like this, I'm suddenly interested.  Now, as far as plot, craftsmanship, and any of the various technical merits are concerned, L.A. Bounty is serviceable.  That's about it.  Take Hauser out of the mix, and it would probably register as a dud, despite Danning's good showing.  Even with Wings sinking his teeth into such a gonzo part, L.A. Bounty falls well short of his better pictures, to include the handful of legitimately good movies that he made.  Still, while this ranks among the lesser of those good bad movies that he specialized in, I had a lot of fun with it.  I was drunk, but I imagine that most people who sit down to watch L.A. Bounty in 2020 will be similarly impaired.

Final Grade: C+


Wings Hauser, people.  I mean, if he gets enough screentime, the movie is worth watching.  Legendary.  Just legendary.

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - The Tough Ones (1976)


Short Attention Span Review - The Tough Ones (1976)

Umberto Lenzi isn't big on subtlety.  No, he made loud pictures, obnoxious pictures even, and he's the kind of director who wouldn't settle for having a good time if having a sleazy good time was an option.  With The Tough Ones, he takes the whole "rogue cop" theme and runs wild with it.  Maurizio Merli stars as Inspector Leonardo Tanzi, a dapper dude who beats the shit out of so many crooks that I lost count halfway through the picture.  And he has a killer slap that he likes to deploy--he will slap the taste out of a punk's mouth at the drop of a hat.  And this movie needs him.  Seriously, dude's beat is so popping that he waltzes right into a mugging, purse-snatching, rape, bank robbery, or perhaps even a good old-fashioned murder spree courtesy of a crazed hunchback every time he rounds a corner.  And he beats the fuck out of the bad guys.  And his captain yells at him afterward, but displays a wry smile that lets us know he digs Tanzi's "take no prisoners" style whenever this suave hothead is dispatched to slap around another crook.  Merli plays this about as well as it could be played, and Tomas Milian is a deft combination of fiery and petulant in his role as Vincenzo Moretto, the previously mentioned "crazed hunchback."  Milian is fully invested in a depraved role as a madman who gets off on gunning down innocent bystanders and cracking bad jokes about his dirty deeds.  Lenzi applies his typical flair to the picture, which is fast-paced, colorful, and equal parts repugnant and exciting.  He gives us setups that are totally shameless examples of exploitation at its grimiest, then quickly veers to smashing payoffs wherein Tanzi leaps into action and smacks the bad guys around.  The cinematography, editing, and the effects are better than what we often see in such fare, and the soundtrack is typical for these flicks--meaning that it is exceptional.  Kudos to Grindhouse Releasing for including the score from Franco Micalizzi on CD in their double-disc Blu-Ray edition of The Tough Ones.  Beautiful packaging as well.  Bottom line: anyone looking to dig up some so-called Eurotrash could do a hell of a lot worse.  In fact, I'm going to highly recommend this flick, because The Tough Ones is an absolute riot for those of us who dig sordid cinema.

Final Grade: B+


Maurizio Merli may look dapper, but he's tough as nails.  If he doesn't beat up two dozen people or more in this movie, I'm not the illest mofo on the block.

Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Short Attention Span Review - Stone Cold (1991)


Short Attention Span Review - Stone Cold (1991)

Stone Cold is one of those action movies they used to make in the 80s and 90s that somehow straddled the line between sick thrillers and cringeworthy farces.  You know the type--movies like Cobra, Commando, and pretty much everything worthwhile Jean Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal starred in during that time frame.  Stone Cold is a basic bitch, to be sure, with a cookie-cutter plot that never swerves when it can run down a familiar trope or throw a "twist" at the screen that we've seen no more than a thousand times in similar pictures.  At the forefront of all this predictable carnage is the Boz, making his motion picture debut.  You know what?  Dude wasn't half bad.  While he would go on to star in several far cheaper productions over the years, I always thought this one should have established him as a bigger star.  Alas.  However, he wasn't on par with the action movie heavyweights of the era, and he's not really the star attraction.  No, the reason this movie still works for me has nothing to do with the good side of the equation where the heroes and villains are concerned.  You see, Stone Cold features Lance Henriksen as "Chains," the sadistic leader of a violent biker gang looking to unleash hell with one of the most batshit crazy plans any villains real or imagined have ever concocted.  Like, totally batshit crazy.  So out there that I can't fathom what the endgame was--if this nonsense had worked, there would have been no escape for anyone involved.  It would have been outright war.  But it all makes for a lively third act, and Lance absolutely destroys it.  The picture comes alive in mystical ways every time he graces the screen, and the filmmakers wisely put him front and center often.  Bonus points: his right-hand man is played by William Forsythe, who damn near steals the show himself.  They say that a film is only as strong as its villain, and I'm here to say that this Henriksen/Forsythe pairing ranks among the best one-two punches we'ver ever been blessed with.  It doesn't hurt that the roles are audacious enough in their own right, giving both of these wicked cool thespians a lot to chew on.  And the action choreography is also a selling point--there are brawls, chases, shootouts, and explosions to spare, and Craig R. Baxley could light things up with the best of them.  Sue me, but I couldn't give two shits about a lot of big 90s films like Titanic or Forrest Gump, but I treasure Stone Cold.  That's how I'm wired, and if you like this blog, you probably enjoy this overlooked biker flick just as much as I do.

Final Grade: B+


Lance always puts on a good show, and he has played iconic parts in other bigger and better movies--but it is entirely possible that this was his strongest performance.