Short Attention Span Review - Tentacles (1977)

Short Attention Span Review - Tentacles (1977)

Here's a transcript of pretty much anyone watching Tentacles for the first time:

Hey, how did they get Henry Fonda to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get Shelley Winters to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get John Huston to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get Claude Akins to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, Bo Hopkins is in this piece of shit.

Man, I'm too hard on Bo, who played the hell out of Bo Hopkins in a lot of good movies.  And a lot of bad movies too.  This is one of his less inspired takes on Bo Hopkins.  Pretty sure he decided to ease up on the throttle when he saw the line where he declares that the threat at the heart of this lame duck of a creature feature is indeed a giant octopus.  He delivers this line with all the gusto of a man who has misplaced all of his gusto.  I don't think he even bothered to play Bo Hopkins in that scene.  Pretty sure he was picturing Bo Hopkins cashing a check.  Honestly, it kind of sucks for the guy.  I bet working with Fonda was a big deal for most actors.  And I feel like Bo might have avoided the subject.

Anyone: Hey, didn't you make a movie with Henry Fonda in 1977?
Bo: (takes a drink) I don't want to talk about that movie I made with Henry Fonda in 1977.

Final Grade: D

Question: Why did it get a "D" after that abominable write-up?  Well, I mean . . . it does have Bo Hopkins in it.

This will not happen to your face when you watch Tentacles.  Your brain, maybe, but not your face.

Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

This is one of the first movies that I ever saw, and it may be the first horror movie that I watched.  That honor belongs to either this cheap horror/thriller hybrid or The Boogens.  Recently, I snagged a copy of Jungle Heat on VHS and revisited it.  Despite some pronounced shortcomings that it can't quite overcome (namely, the budget--or lack thereof), Jungle Heat does enough well to deserve a little more love from the horror community.  For starters, I found Peter Fonda to be on point, and the fact that his flawed hero is both a struggling alcoholic and a real dick made the character more intriguing.  As a general rule, you don't want your leading man to be an asshole, but hey, if you go that route, at least you're doing something different.  Deborah Raffin is way too good for the picture, and does a fine job of stumbling into jeopardy and putting up with Fonda's shit.  Which is somewhat understandable, since his role requires him to rescue her whenever he isn't getting drunk or being a dickhead.  The mood is a definite win; Jungle Heat has a wonky vibe that slowly descends into serious dread during a bleak closing reel that feels more 70s than 80s.  The sound design also warrants praise--when we finally get to the creature element of this low rent creature feature, the little boogers may look lame as fuck, but they sound terrifying.  Those roars are seriously gnarly, and an otherwise mundane score ramps up as everything goes bad in that grim finale.  Of course, the script is uneven, the direction is lackluster, and the budget is a genuine embarrassment, so Jungle Heat often runs cold.  Still,  while it's frequently regarded as abysmal by those who remember it at all, I rate it passable at worst and pretty damn dope in brief splashes of creepy mayhem.

Final Grade: C

Peter Fonda is a total dick in this cheap horror flick that I may be somewhat biased toward--it was one of the first movies I recall seeing.

To revisit this childhood fave, I had to seek out a copy on VHS.  Kicking it old school, peeps.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies

Well, this is long overdue.  Those who have followed my blog or perused my offerings for RVA Magazine are familiar with my "Top 5" pieces.  And those who know me best are well aware that I've been a big fan of Wings Hauser since I was a teenager haunting my local video stores and carrying on a torrid relationship with cable television.  No bullshit, there are framed photos of Wings on display in my home, a testament to both my fascination with this bold talent and my wife's love for me.    

A star athlete who took his moniker from the position he played in football ("wingback"), Hauser embraced his Hollywood roots and made the jump to acting at an early age.  Known for his over the top antics and his ability to portray lunatic heavies or tough-guy heroes alike with profound intensity, Wings became a true blue B movie icon.  Not only that, but many may be surprised at the depths of his artistry.  In addition to his work on the screen, Hauser has also directed motion pictures.  Hell, he even cut an album for RCA (Your Love Keeps Me Off the Streets) in 1975.

I consider myself an authority where his filmography is concerned, and working up this Top 5 had me sweating bullets.  If you combine his work in film and television, Wings has well over a hundred acting credits to his name.  There are some fine pictures and a dazzling array of bravura performances within those ranks.  Sometimes this blogging business is a tough gig, good people, but after a lot of deliberation, I have made my picks.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #5) Deadly Force (1983)

Honestly, this one could aptly be described as equal parts "rogue cop hunting a serial killer" flick and "rogue cop hunting a serial killer" parody a la Airplane!.  Yes, Deadly Force is pretty fucking ridiculous.  It's also highly entertaining, mostly due to Hauser's off the rails work as the lead.  Wings stars as Stoney Cooper (no explanation is given, so we're left to assume that his birth name is actually Stoney), an ex-cop who plays by his own rules and embodies pretty much every cliche imaginable where such heroes are concerned.  The character is outrageous, a hackneyed creation who plays the piano when he isn't using bravado and tenderness to negotiate with would-be bombers or traveling across the country to hunt down a serial killer as a favor to an old friend.  No, really.  This caricature comes courtesy of a contrived plot that piles on the excess at every turn and hits so many familiar beats that it emerges as a cinematic exercise in recycling.  However, Wings throws himself into the role with such passion, physicality, and abandon that the viewer can't help but be pulled in--even while groaning at the shameless exploitation on display.  Case in point: there's a big sequence where Stoney is nearly gunned down while taking a bath, requiring Hauser to flail around in the nude.  In slow motion.  For entirely too long.  And he's all in, peeps, devoting himself to the scene as though it were the sleazy action movie equivalent of Marc Antony's funeral speech.  It has to be seen to be fully appreciated.  It's Deadly Force, guys.  It's trashy, it's absurd, it's relentless, and it is so painfully bad that it arrives at oh so very good.  It's also a perfect example of the flamboyant machismo that made Wings a pillar of the cult cinema circuit.

Stoney Cooper, ladies and gentlemen.  You can try to take him out while he's taking a bath, but he'll roll around showing the world his soapy ass and dodging bullets, and then he'll hunt you down. 

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #4) Reason to Die (1990)

Wings specialized in violent motion pictures; he usually played either a hero operating outside the law or a deranged baddie.  Reason to Die is a film he carries as the good guy while Arnold Vosloo oozes menace as a psycho who preys on prostitutes in South Africa.  Reason to Die stands out for two reasons.  First, while many of Hauser's films were hampered by meager budgets or shoddy craftsmanship, this is one slick production free of such shortcomings.  In particular, I think it makes great use of the setting, with the seedy underbelly of South Africa giving the filmmakers an unusual palette.  This makes some of the familiar machinations of the plot feel less derivative, and it gives the piece as a whole a different feel.  Secondly, it may just be the most violent of Hauser's movies.  Vosloo is largely responsible for this, with his twisted killer notching a body count that would make Jason Vorhees proud.  These killings come in the most gratuitous fashion, with the picture placing a shameless emphasis on titillation and terror.  Wings bashes plenty of heads together on the hunt for this prolific madman, enduring intense scrutiny from the local authorities every step of the way.  This is a fast-paced affair, and it is strictly designed to deliver the goods where fistfights, gunfights, and murder are concerned.  Even for this sort of cult cinema thriller, Reason to Die is a bit savage, and forgive me, but I do see that as a selling point.  Having said that, there is also a commendable effort made to inject some emotional heft into the proceedings, and Wings surely makes the most of this opportunity.  It's almost enough to give this Elliot Canner character legitimate depth.  Almost.  He shows some heart, but remains too damn badass to feel like anything other than a gritty B movie hero.  Shit, toward the end of the picture, he uses his lover as bait in a desperate bid to bring Vosloo down.  At the end of the day, Reason to Die is no masterpiece, but it could be seen as a master class in sadistic exploitation and sleazy thrills.  Wings is at his brazen best throughout, and Reason to Die is a perfect example of his no holds barred brand of entertainment.

There's a whole lot of violence going down in this bloody 1990 thriller.
Also: this is the face your lover makes when you use them as a bait to land a serial killer.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #3) Siege of Firebase Gloria (1989)

The third picture to make my list is probably the best Vietnam movie you never saw.  Now, this picture is light-years from landmark offerings like Apocalypse Now or Platoon, but ranks among the very best of the Vietnam features produced in the absence of a visionary director and a big budget.  There's a lot of trash in this vein, but there are also movies like Go Tell the Spartans or The Boys in Company C.  Siege of Fireplace Gloria belongs among those outings, and one of its biggest assets is a strong performance from Wings as DiNardo, a steely Marine who unravels during the Tet Offensive.  Playing a sidekick of sorts to the great R. Lee Ermey, Wings shows a bit of subtlety here and there (not exactly his trademark), and also gets to display a bit more range than usual.  It's a rare supporting part for Hauser and an even rarer starring role for Ermey.  This pairing is a big win in my book--they play well off of one another, and if either of these parts had been miscast, the movie itself would have misfired and descended into the ranks of those lesser war movies.  Gritty and well-rounded, Siege of Firebase Gloria doesn't sanctify its heroes or demonize its villains.  Many have come forward to hail it as one of the more realistic depictions of the horror and confusion that defined this particular military conflict.  It focuses on tough men making tough choices in the toughest of conditions, and in doing so, it paints a picture that is both grim and inspiring.  Siege of Firebase Gloria is not a typical Wings flick at all, but it is one of the better movies that he appeared in, and it shows a different side of this cult cinema stalwart. 

This would be one of those forgettable war flicks if not for these two guys, who play extremely well off of one another.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #2) Mutant a.k.a Night Shadows (1984)

Note: What follows is my Short Attention Span Review of Mutant from March 15, 2015.  I thought about writing a new capsule for this Top 5, but there's a segment in this review spotlighting Bo Hopkins that ranks among my favorite bits that I have ever included in one of my reviews.  I couldn't pass up the chance to share it once more.

I'm pretty sure that Mutant (a.k.a. Night Shadows) is a bad movie.  It may even be a terrible movie.  I'm also going to give it a decent grade here because I believe that it is very entertaining.  Honestly, it may actually be a good movie--fairly good anyway.  Forgive me, sometimes it's hard to tell with these schlocky horror flicks.  I am sure of this: if it is good, it's not very good, and if it is bad, it's of the "so bad that it's good" variety.  The leads are Wings Hauser and Bo Hopkins, so that definitely earns the picture some credit in my book.  I'm a big fan of Wings, and I feel that his B-movie legacy is the stuff of legend.  He has also appeared in some major films, to include his amazing performance in Vice Squad, a personal favorite of mine.  Bo Hopkins was a charismatic and likable performer who always did a great job of playing Bo Hopkins.  Not surprisingly, he plays Bo Hopkins well in Mutant.  Wings and Bo hold this creative shocker together despite some flaws, most of which pertain to the lackluster creature effects and make-up.  Yet there are some decent scares, and the plot sprinkles a few surprises in the mix to keep us on our toes throughout.  There are a host of maniacal hillbillies that our heroes must deal with when they aren't on the run from a new breed of zombie/vampire/mutant/I'm-not-really-sure-exactly-what-the-hell-these-things-are.  These shambling mystery monsters are the result of the reckless disposal of volatile waste, making Mutant another of those "Man fucks with the ecosystem, man gets eaten" stories they taught us about in high school.  Only man doesn't get eaten this time out--it's a twist!  These things that resemble sick people wearing Alice Cooper make-up have slits on their palms that ooze acidic slime.  If they touch you and get this perilous slime on you, you get to join the club.  Hey, it's different, and it ramps up the tension considerably during the rollicking finale.  With zombies, you can fight them off so long as they don't sink their teeth into you, but with these things, you're toast if they manage to touch you.  The direction from John "Bud" Cardos (the man responsible for Kingdom of the Spiders) is solid, and the film zips along.  For whatever reason, I'm actually really fond of Mutant, and while some will surely view it as a failure, I'm definitely going to give it a passing grade.

Note: I gave it a "C."  Still, it's a very entertaining C.  I chose it for the second spot on this list because it is one of Hauser's most enjoyable features.  This is one of those movies I can watch over and over again.  It's far from perfect in so many regards, but it is perfectly entertaining.  Wings is at his very best, and of all the films where he got to wear the white hat, I would pick this part as his most likable hero.  It's also one of a handful of such films where he's more of a normal guy than some absolute badass, but he does handle himself pretty well once the shit hits the fan.  If you dig horror films of this era and want to see Wings kill it as a good guy taking on asshole hillbillies and kooky mutant/zombie hybrids, Mutant is where it's at.

These guys really want to get their hands on my list of the Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #1) Vice Squad (1982)

Hauser's breakthrough role remains his best performance all these years and parts later, and Vice Squad is also the best movie he ever appeared in.  It is exploitation at its very best, operating with a laser focus as a single night of savage debauchery unfolds.  Wings plays Ramrod, a psychotic pimp, and he doesn't just steal every scene he's in, he steals the entire movie.  This despite career-best performances from both Season Hubley and Gary Swanson as the de facto leads.  And Hubley and Swanson are both fully immersed and absolutely terrific in this sleazy thriller on speed, and their work also deserves high praise.  Wings is simply on another level, snarling and raging as one of the most despicable heavies the cinema has ever spawned.  The part is a perfect match for Hauser's boundless energy and formidable swagger--I would say it's a match made in heaven, but if you ask any of the hookers he ravages or rival pimps that he castrates, they'll likely dub it a match made in hell.  The script is a treasure chest brimming with kooky scenes, dope lines, potent suspense, and ferocious action.  And at least one huge laugh that comes from out of nowhere.  It's hard to believe that director Gary Sherman didn't become a household name in the industry, though horror fans may fondly recall his Raw Meat.  It's no surprise that Hauser went on to become such a presence in the motion picture industry, though it is certainly fair to wonder why he didn't secure more showcase roles in equally transcendent features.  In truth, when I started this Top 5, I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that it would culminate with Vice Squad.  I hold the film itself in high esteem, and Ramrod is one of the most darkly charismatic characters I have ever encountered.  He's a monster, but he is so dogged and Hauser is so guns-blazing intense that you almost wind up rooting for the guy.  One thing is for sure: movies are seldom so exciting as when this rampaging lunatic is running wild on the screen, and few performers have been so impressive in any role.  If you want to see Wings Hauser at his very best, dial up Vice Squad and enjoy the show.  

Note: For a more in-depth look at what may be the best exploitation movie of them all, please check out the Cult Classics from Dimension X piece I did for Vice Squad way back in 2013.

Wings Hauser rages across the screen in Vice Squad, which may be the best exploitation movie ever made.

Short Attention Span Review - The Prodigy (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - The Prodigy (2019)

Man, those creepy kids.  They get me every time.  I think they give a lot of us the willies, because the creepy kid sub-genre is always churning out new additions.  The problem with a lot of these flicks is that they often cover similar ground.  I think that's why I found the first half of The Prodigy so refreshing.  It sought to do something different, and it did so effectively.  Not only that, but it was subdued and spooky.  Had something of a classy horror vibe to it.  That's when the picture was at its best.  As it neared the end, it did a lot of things that we have seen before.  It did them well, and it was nice and dark--some of these developments were downright horrific, and the execution was sound.  Still, given that it began as a departure, I found the familiar beats in the closing reel to be a bit of a letdown.  In particular, the ending itself was basically a carbon copy of the conclusion to my favorite example of this sub-genre, a masterpiece in the horror genre at large that will go unnamed here because this note would be quite the spoiler otherwise.  That felt a bit lazy, and undermined a lot of the good faith this one built up for much of its runtime.  Still, it certainly held my interest, and there were some quality jolts in the mix.  The performances were compelling, the atmosphere was rich, and the technical merits were all top-notch.  The Prodigy is a well-made horror movie, and it certainly warrants some praise.  Having said that, if the finale could have been as inventive as the opening, this one may have emerged as a minor classic.

Final Grade: B-

The Prodigy is a pretty good example of the creepy kid sub-genre, which always manages to deliver a few chills.

Short Attention Span Review - A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

I'm an avid fan of Stephen King, and Salem's Lot is my favorite novel by him.  I'm also a big fan of Tobe Hooper's TV adaptation of the book, which is faithful in many ways, and also quite dissimilar from the source material in many ways.  With that in mind, I think I'm supposed to hate this movie.  I know a great many do.  And to be clear, it doesn't even pretend to exist in the same universe, which may be offensive to a lot of fans.  Aside from the name of the town, a New England setting, and the presence of vampires, it bears no resemblance to King's vision or Hooper's adaptation.  It's kind of like a reboot before reboots were a thing, albeit a reboot disguised as a sequel.  Many see this as an unforgivable sin, but it doesn't bother me as much.  It's also one of director Larry Cohen's lesser efforts, which is often considered a mark against it.  Okay, I agree, it's far from his best work--but a subpar Larry Cohen movie is still above average.  That's my take, anyhow.  And he brought Michael Moriarty along for the ride, and Moriarty does his usual bang-up job for the director who understood how to utilize him best.  Surprisingly, however, Moriarty is overshadowed by Samuel Fuller in this one--I know that's a bold statement, but it's true.  In fairness, Moriarty is a bit more of a standard lead here, while Fuller has a far more interesting character and the script blesses him with the picture's best lines.  I also enjoyed Andrew Duggan as the big bad, and I don't mind the hokey effects as much as many do.  I'm not going to make a case for A Return to Salem's Lot as a really good movie, but I'm not lumping it in amongst all those good bad movies I love so much either.  It's an okay fright flick, nothing special, but entertaining enough.  It moves at a brisk pace, and it offers up some intriguing ideas along the way.  There's a decent amount of blood and gore, and the characters are easy enough to root for.  This is a movie that many despise because of what it isn't, but it never pretends to be any of those things.  It's just a wonky little vampire movie from a gifted director who borrowed a setting from a literary giant, but approached the project with no great aspirations and a meager budget.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Final Grade: C+

I wouldn't have thought it possible for anyone to upstage Michael Moriarty in a Larry Cohen picture, but Samuel Fuller did just that.

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Disclaimer: yes, this is another bad movie I love.  Been revisiting a lot of those lately.  Devilfish is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.  It is atrocious in too many ways to list in a single review, much less one of my Short Attention Span Reviews.  And yet, I love it.  This love affair goes all the way back to my teens.  A rental store I frequented (Brewer's was the name, and anyone who also hails from lowly southside VA may well have treasured the place as much as I did) had a copy, but it was never available.  I guess someone lost it.  So, I would look at the box, and given my love for shark movies and Italian horror, it seemed like a potential classic.  Honestly, take a gander at that poster.  Looks pretty fucking cool, doesn't it?  Yeah, I thought so too.  Anyway, time passed.  No shit, it may have been a year--it was several months at a minimum, and then one fateful day the rental copy showed up.  I don't know if someone found it and returned it, or if it had been misplaced somewhere in the store and they located it.  Either way, one Friday night it was there.  I had to see it, and I was expecting a showstopper.  What I beheld that night was an absolute turd, but it had me roaring with laughter.  Some of the dialogue is wretched (the sheriff repeatedly says "What we are dealing with is a monster," and his wooden delivery paired with that lovely line gets me every time), many of the performances are far worse (there is a surefire candidate for worst death scene ever filmed included in the picture), the effects are horrendous, and the plot is the worst thing about the movie.  But it is somehow entertaining, perhaps because it is so hilariously inept, but also because Lamberto Bava was a good enough director to keep things lively in spite of all the movie's considerable failings.  Over the years, I would rent this one often and show it to people for kicks.  I even got my parents to watch it one Saturday night, and while my dad did little but groan, my dear departed mother laughed herself silly.  It remains a personal favorite for all the wrong reasons, and these days I seem to enjoy it more each time I view it.  I'm giving it a C+ here, even though it surely registers as an F.  Give me another twenty years and it may raise to a B in my book.

Final Grade: C+

Just look at that shit.  This movie is fucking terrible.  And that's what makes it so awesome.

Short Attention Span Review - Brightburn (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Brightburn (2019)

Brightburn is a pretty good horror movie built upon a premise that feels much bigger than the fruit it has produced.  I enjoyed it, and I think most horror fans will find it to be perfectly satisfactory.  And I also reckon that many others will share the notion that it could have been much better.  Maybe that's unfair; after all, I'm not sure exactly what more I wanted from it.  Then again, this is a dark riff on the superhero genre, and I find that superhero movies without a worthy antagonist fall short of the mark.  Maybe that's what's lacking here.  Once the picture takes shape, it is quite clear that the protagonists don't stand a chance.  Making matters worse, they're not smart enough or tough enough for your garden variety fright flick threat, much less young Superman by way of John Carpenter.  Still, there are dark thrills aplenty in Brightburn, and there's a surprising amount of gore.  The kills are pretty sadistic, and once things heat up in the second act, they come fast and furious.  Elizabeth Banks is awesome, but that's old news.  David Denman impressed me with his efforts to depict both a pissed off dad who feels the need to put his foot down and a dad who recognizes that his son could incinerate him with laser vision.  Most importantly,  Jackson A. Dunn made for one creepy kid.  Just a mean little bastard.  With super powers.  Yeah, that's pretty scary, but I just can't help but feel that it could have been scarier.  Sometimes that's the danger with a really sound pitch--even if you deliver the goods, you may leave people wishing you had somehow done more.  Anyway, it's still a dope movie, and I am not playing about those gruesome kills.  

Final Grade: B-

Brightburn is dark and surprisingly gory.  It is also a good movie, but one can't help but feel that the premise should have yielded something bigger.

Short Attention Span Review - Ready or Not (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Ready or Not (2019)

A lot of people hyped this one up, but the premise and the ad campaign didn't exactly rock my world. When I sat down to watch it this weekend, it started out fine, but I still wasn't sure that it would make good on all that noise.  And then it just started to click for me.  In a big way.  I cringed, I gasped.  I laughed out loud.  Not like when you type "lol," but like when you really do laugh out loud.  Anyway, the movie just seemed to get better and better, and unlike many pictures that gain such momentum, it absolutely nailed the end.  By the time the credits had rolled, I felt pretty sure that I had just enjoyed a new classic.  This is one of those ventures that holds massive appeal for me: a quirky and subversive vessel ripe with humor and gore.  Ready or Not is a great example of how to balance morbid guffaws with unexpected splashes of blood and guts.  There are tense moments, surprises, gratuitous displays of audacious mayhem, sly chuckles, big laughs, and even bigger laughs.  The script is a delicious oddity, the direction is sound despite a few offputting choices where the color palette is concerned, and the talent makes the most of the material.  This is the kind of film where it is so damn hard to pick a favorite.  Samara Weaving was a revelation as the spirited and tough heroine with a fondness for foul language--and great taste in shoes.  Adam Brody may have played the best drunk brother in the history of the cinema, and I guess that's a dubious honor, but it's an honor nonetheless.  Andie MacDowell paired warmth and an icy chill to perfection, while Nicky Guadagni put on a master class in creepy and intense.  And then there's Henry Czerny, who unraveled in glorious fashion, veering from practical and steady to outraged, incredulous, and hilariously unhinged.  Most importantly, the movie was just so damn entertaining.  It was a perfect example of the motion picture as a thrill ride, and I can't recommend this one highly enough.  Yes, I'm late to that party, but maybe I'm merely fashionably late.  Either way, Ready or Not is a blast, and I hope to find it playing on my television often.

Final Grade: A+

Ready or Not is a bloody good time at the movies.  Bravo!

Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

There is a really sound idea at the heart of this festive fright flick.  The pitch hinges on a deranged slasher running amok at a themed event for horror movie lovers like your friendly neighborhood blogger here.  The hardest parts of executing this premise should have been realizing the villain and the setting.  And yet, while the picture kills it in both of those categories, it has two glaring weaknesses that really took a lot of the wind out of my sails.  First off, like any genre, horror is at its best when the characters are involving.  You can make a bad story remarkable if it features compelling characters, and the common link between most great stories is a great cast of characters.  It doesn't work the other way around.  This is one of many instances wherein a groovy premise and impressive technical merits are undermined by a core group of players that don't capture our hearts.  I just didn't care a lot about most of the characters in Hell Fest, to include the leads, and that robbed the film of so much of its impact.  That and one ill-advised blunder really tarnished my experience.  There's a scene that starts off really great in a funhouse and actually stands as one of Hell Fest's most frightening sequences.  However, it turns out to be a cheap scare born of a lapse in logic that shatters every ounce of plausibility.  Seriously, it's beyond stupid, and as cool as the moment that preceded this gaffe was, the lack of a better explanation should have sent the filmmakers back to the drawing board.  Or the cutting room.  For me, moments like this can totally ruin a movie.  Now, I'm still going to give this one some credit because the killer and the setting were so dope, and there were several scary setpieces that were wicked intense.  The makers of Hell Fest did enough to entertain me, but they shot themselves in the foot with lukewarm characters and that wretched scene that was utterly devoid of anything remotely resembling reason.

Final Grade: C

A lot like Blood Fest in that it's a cheeky slasher movie built upon the idea of a themed event for fright fans going awry, this one suffers from one massive lapse in logic and a cast that is pretty damn run-of-the-mill.

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Blood Fest is one of those fast-paced and energetic flicks that aim to pay homage to the slasher sub-genre while finding a few new wrinkles to explore along the way.  But there's no concerted effort to deliver some sort of classic, to join the ranks of Halloween or Scream.  And that, my friends, is a good thing.  In my humble opinion, there's no better way to muck up this beloved sub-genre than to start thinking franchise and legacy before you put one rock-solid film in the can.   Blood Fest has no illusions of grandeur, but it wants to shake and move from the first shot all the way to the last.  It peppers us with diabolical kills, laughs, cool characters to spare, and some gnarly sets and shenanigans.  It works in most of these areas far more often than it falters, and it really clicks where those characters are concerned.  I liked all of our principals, with a secondary character who was a misunderstood actor who had portrayed a slasher himself being my favorite.  This gave the picture a bit more importance than it may have warranted otherwise, and each kill hit me pretty hard.  In the average slasher flick, there are one or two characters you dig, a handful of characters you could care less about, and at least one schmuck who can't get offed soon enough.  This picture has a schmuck, to be sure, but beyond that, I really liked everyone else mired in this quirky struggle for survival.  The set-up worked, the effects were quality, the score was on point, and the talent in front of the camera and their peers toiling behind the camera all earned their pay.  Was it a great horror movie?  No, but that was never in the cards.  Was it a fun slasher flick that I can easily recommend to all of my readers?  Damn straight.  Job well done, Blood Fest.

Final Grade: B+

Bloody, fun, witty, and (most importantly) populated by likable characters, Blood Fest is a worthwhile slasher flick that this particular horror junkie slept on for far too long. 

Short Attention Span Review - Primal (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Primal (2019)

Primal is based on a script that has been around since the 90s.  Often, with a film of this sort, that seems like a blessing, because there are elements of this picture that would clearly benefit from what the special effects community is capable of these days.  Well, about that . . . maybe this one would have been better off being filmed in the 90s.  Or the 80s.  Hell, maybe even the 70s.  What really limits Primal are the dodgy effects (the CGI is roughly equivalent to Playstation 2 graphics) and the abysmal picture quality.  I would blame the film stock, but I'm pretty sure film wasn't in the budget.  Think we're seeing the work of cheap digital cameras here.  So, we have a picture that really needs quality effects (among the most pertinent elements of the screenplay are a massive albino jaguar, deadly vipers, and a host of jungle critters running amok on a boat) that fails in that regard.  And this movie boasts the same picture quality you might see on local access television.  And we have Nicolas Cage, who looks a bit rough around the edges, and falls well short of the Nicolas Cage who made Mandy one of 2018's biggest surprises.  Yet this isn't exactly "phone it in" Nicolas Cage, as he does show some gusto, and throws himself into the physical elements of the movie.  And Kevin Durand fully embraces his role as the heavy, chewing scenery with glee when he isn't beating the shit out of Cage's dubious hero.  Famke Janssen is also on hand to look awful* and fall for Cage's arrogant and derisive big game hunter as he endangers everyone on the ship with a bevy of treacherous animals he is smuggling across the sea.  So, this all sounds pretty bad, I imagine, and it is.  Oh boy, it is.  And it's also a lot of fun if you like a good B movie.  Scratch that--it's also a lot of fun if you like a bad B movie.  Despite the shitty look of the piece and the lousy effects, the movie seldom slows down, and it is frequently gruesome.  There are some good scraps, some decent lines, and even a few morbid laughs along the way.  There are also cliches to spare, but that's part of the fun in a B movie that feels like Under Siege's long-lost bastard child by way of the Syfy Channel.  You know what?  Here's the short version: it's kinda awful, but I liked it.

*I feel bad pointing this out, but it is impossible to overlook.  Part of me thinks Cage was enough of a  gentleman to go on a bender and put on a few pounds just to make poor Famke feel more comfortable on set.

Final Grade: C+

Sometimes a bad Nicolas Cage movie is just a bad movie, but this is one of those bad Nicolas Cage movies that is most certainly a good bad movie.

Short Attention Span Review - Ma (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Ma (2019)

Ma is an offbeat horror movie born of an offbeat premise.  No zombies, no killers sporting masks, no vampires, werewolves, or witches.  Just a lonely woman who offers up her home as a safe haven for some fun-loving teens looking for kicks in small-town America.  Only there's more to Ma than meets the eye, and this alleged safe haven is actually anything but.  Octavia Spencer is fully invested in the title role, and it is her devotion that makes this Blumhouse production from 2019 as effective as it is peculiar.  Spencer isn't alone, with a talented crop of youngsters ably supported by skilled vets like Juliette Lewis and Luke Evans.  This is one of those methodical yarns that slowly builds to a crescendo, but it entertains from the start.  In fact, by my estimation, the first third dishes out as many laughs as jolts.  However, as things grow more ominous and our unlikely host's gonzo ways veer toward a surprising darkness, Ma emerges as an innovative horror film with a lot to say.  It is a safe bet that anyone looking for a body count or a potent gore factor won't find much to enjoy here.  It is also fair to question much of the character logic, though need and convenience often breed such naive choices, particularly where youth is concerned.  All that said, fright fans who want to watch something off the beaten path that isn't some sort of surreal essay in dementia may just have a blast with Ma.  I think it's neat to see something fresh and utterly devoid of the staples we know and love, and even if Ma is no masterpiece, it is a lively left turn.

Final Grade: B

In a strange movie, Octavia Spencer makes the most of a strange part.   The end result is fun, and, well, more than a little strange.

Short Attention Span Review - The Lighthouse (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - The Lighthouse (2019)

After hitting the scene with The Witch, which scared me witless, Robert Eggers has taken his peculiar talents to another level with The Lighthouse.  While it is far murkier and lacks the same impetus, there can be no doubt that this is another masterful exercise in terror.  The decision to shoot in black and white delivers stunning results, while the 1.19:1 aspect ratio tightens the director's grip on the audience, ramping up the paranoia.  This is a bleak tale of madness and loathing, and it is also a surreal odyssey into darkness and murder.  It is an actor's showcase, and Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson prove seaworthy as they spar with one another all the way to a diabolical conclusion.  This is a movie that will prove too deliberate for many and too strange for others, but those who are looking for something different and exhilarating may find themselves thoroughly entranced.  I was hooked from the start, and while I don't view this as a masterpiece, it surely stimulated me every step of the way.  Portions of The Lighthouse are downright awkward by design, and it poses many questions that the viewer is left to ponder after the closing reel.  I enjoy such fare, and this is a fine example of a surreal nightmare that paints a subjective portrait.  The craftsmanship is impeccable, and I warrant that The Lighthouse will trigger a powerful response from even those who deride it as a failure.  It is perhaps the very antithesis of a buddy picture, devoted entirely to two poorly matched characters whose perilous union is clearly doomed, though there are surprising moments of jocularity that do little to ease the tension.  Many elements of The Lighthouse may be real or imagined, but the director's vision and ability are impossible to ignore.  The Witch was a marvel, The Lighthouse is a potent oddity, and I can't wait to see Robert Eggers does next. 

Final Grade: A-

Striking visuals and incredible acting make The Lighthouse an invigorating trip worth taking.

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

I recently sat down and rewatched this cult classic from 1992 for the first time in decades.  While it made only a minimal impact on cable and in the rental industry, I recalled it fondly.  Truth be told, it still holds up pretty well.  Star Rutger Hauer makes the most of a brazen part, throwing himself into the role of Harley Stone, a true loose cannon.  We often hear cops billed as such in films, but seldom see them behave like Hauer's Stone.  This guy constantly disobeys orders, chokes fellow officers who dare contradict him (with his captain looking on, no less), raids the armory, and essentially operates as a revenge-obsessed vigilante with a badge.  Alastair Duncan matches Hauer's intensity in the role of a timid sidekick who has also become a raging lunatic by the end of the movie.  Duncan's "big fucking guns" bit is the highlight of the picture.  What will ultimately make Split Second worthwhile for some and a disappointment to others is the kooky nature of this feature.  Split Second is equal parts brooding science fiction, guns-blazing action, and bloody horror.  The movie revolves around the pursuit of a fearsome killer who is ultimately revealed to be a gruesome hybrid of Venom and a Xenomorph.  Little to no explanation is given for this exciting but rather inexplicable development, and it certainly calls into question several aspects of the plot.  Like, the thing is ten feet tall and decidedly inhuman--how is it preying on people in bars without being seen, and why does it care about astrology and other human interests?  What's the deal with its psychic connection to a particular renegade cop?  Why does it toy with him while slaughtering everyone else?  In the end, it doesn't really matter, at least not to these filmmakers.  The effects are okay, the score is quality, the sets are good enough that one wishes more was made of the unique "futuristic London under water" environment, and the performances are remarkable.  Split Second is a B grade creature feature at heart, no doubt about it, but exceptional talent before the camera makes it stand apart from the pack.

Final Grade: B-

Hauer is totally unhinged in the lead role, and his presence is ultimately what makes Split Second memorable.

Powerful Pages - Pet Sematary by Stephen King (1983)

Powerful Pages - Pet Sematary by Stephen King (1983)

I started reading Stephen King novels when I was 8 years old.  When I started on this voyage, it seemed like I would never run out of books from the maestro to devour.  But, inevitably, at some point, I approached the finish line.  I put Pet Sematary aside because I always wanted to have one last vintage yarn from Uncle Stevie to dig into.  Decades passed.  And the time came.  I just had to give it a go.  First off, I'm sure glad that I finally took the plunge; Pet Sematary is a demented masterpiece, and it is as entertaining as it is unspeakable.  Secondly, this was probably a good one to set aside, for it is as dark and haunting as anything King has written.  It is maybe as dark and haunting as anything I've ever read, and that puts it right up there with The Exorcist* and Lord of the Flies**.  Pet Sematary is all kinds of heavy, and it puts the characters (a really likable family and a friendly neighbor of the highest degree) through all kinds of awful shit.  And the whole time, you sense the storm brewing, and somehow knowing that these people will suffer in abhorrent ways makes them that much more endearing.  I guess that makes Pet Sematary as much of a tragedy as it is a horror novel, and it does operate on a grand scale that it isn't altogether common within the genre.  King dares to grapple with some of the most difficult questions we all face in this life, and his answers here are as brutal as they are blunt.  At the same time, the prose is warm and inviting, and the book itself unwinds like a tale spun by that remarkable neighbor, good old Jud Crandall, a kindly soul with a gift for piquing our interest.  This story is intriguing from the onset, and as the stakes rise and the tension mounts, it becomes savagely addictive.  I turned pages and begged the main character to change course with considerable tenacity, though I knew to expect the very worse at every turn.  And toward that end, King delivered.  Oh man.  He delivered in spades.

*Surprise!  The scariest movie of all time sprang forth from a novel that is equally intense and frightening.  Indeed, the book has additional depth and takes the startling premise even further.

**Fuck William Golding.  Fuck Lord of the Flies.  Simon's death may be the most traumatic aspect of my high school education, and that little episode in my life had trauma to spare.  Also: fantastic book, hell of a writer.  Highly recommended!

Final Grade: A+

Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

I'm a sucker for monster movies set in the depths of the ocean, and I readily admit that most of these films aren't very good.  With that in mind, it is safe to say that Underwater follows in their footsteps.  While better than Deepstar Six and pretty much on the same level as Leviathan, it falls well short of the high water mark for such fare, Deep Rising.  However, it does have many things going for it.  I really liked the design elements, to include the sets and the creepy-crawlies.  The frantic pace seemed like a good idea, particularly during a rousing opening.  After that, however, the movie got lost and floundered before finding its way back for an explosive conclusion with some potent emotional heft thrown in for good measure.  Though they were painted in the broadest of strokes, I did enjoy the characters, and the performances were far better than what we often see in such a run-of-the-mill creature feature.  I did find Kristen Stewart to be particularly effective, and she certainly gave it her all.  However, it did seem a bit odd that she had to spend so much of the picture running around in her underwear.  At one point, they noted that the temperature had risen ten degrees because of an incident, but at seven miles below the surface, I doubt that turns the ocean into a liquid sauna.  And they also pointed out that the dive suits they frequently lumbered around in were too tight to accommodate regular clothing,  but since wetsuits and form-fitting clothing are actual things, this too felt like a lame excuse.  Like, no bullshit, there are probably women in prison flicks where the ladies aren't exploited quite as much.  My biggest complaint would be what could have been a total lack of competency, though I think it was actually a desire to provide an immersive effect geared toward exploring claustrophobia and disorientation.  Translation: for much of the picture, I had no idea what was happening.  There were several key moments (to include two pivotal deaths) that will forever remain mysteries to me, despite what were no doubt highly expensive displays of Grade A shaky cam magic.  In the dark.  Key dialogue was muffled by heavy breathing and distorted transmissions.  Entire setpieces were lost to a fog of paranoia and jarring visuals, punctuated by quick glimpses of darkness and more darkness.  Maybe this sounded good in concept, but when a character you enjoy perishes and you have no idea what went down, it's a bit of a bummer.  When it happens more than once, it becomes flat out frustrating.  That's how I would ultimately describe Underwater: frustrating.  Everything necessary for a groovy chiller is on hand, but the ingredients are misused, and the resulting dish is a little bland, a little messy, and very forgettable despite a couple of exciting flourishes.

Final Grade: C-

Kristen Stewart is pictured here in more than just her undergarments.  She bares her soul in a fine lead performance that also requires her to bare everything else far too often.

My Favorite Horror Movies from 2019

Well, with all that happened, things were a little quieter on the blog front (and a whole hell of a lot of fronts, truth be told) than I would have liked last year.  So, I didn't get to share my thoughts with you guys on a lot of cool stuff that came down the pipeline.  With that in mind, I just wanted to take a moment here to list my favorite horror movies from a year that tried its best to kill me or tear my left arm off at the very least.  And failed, because, well, fuck that.

Anyway, here are my faves from 2019:

#5) Crawl

Look, in so many ways, Crawl was ridiculous on a scale we seldom see outside of any situation where grown people try to prop up Donald Trump without confessing that they're only vouching for him because they hate Mexicans.  So, yeah, VERY ridiculous.  That's okay, though, because Crawl was equally entertaining.  Gruesome effects, a rip-roaring pace, nifty performances, and alligators* put this one at #5 on my list.

*I like movies with alligators in them.  Like Alligator, which is impossible to obtain on Blu-Ray for reasons I will never comprehend.  At least you can buy the out of print DVD or VHS for hundreds of dollars.
What's wrong with this world we live in?

#4) 3 from Hell

I dig Rob Zombie's movies, and I do not consider that to be a disclaimer.  This may not have been his strongest effort as a screenwriter, but it does represent his best work as a director.  And it's all kinds of gnarly.  Next!

#3) Doctor Sleep

Rock-solid, and surprisingly brutal.  Features perhaps my favorite villain of the year, and the performances are stellar across the board.  Only suffers because of the recasting where certain characters are concerned, which was both totally necessary and just as problematic for this analytical cat.  Still a killer time at the movies, though.

#2) It Chapter Two

Like most everyone else, my initial response was to view this as a very good fright flick that didn't have the same oomph as its predecessor.  A couple of rewatches have changed my mind.  I now see this as being on equal footing with the first one, and I think I may enjoy it a bit more.  Yes, I hit my head pretty hard in the crash, so take this for what it's worth, but I still recognize Hereditary as a massive pile of shit, so I think the old brain is firing on all cylinders.

#1) Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

Damn near perfect.  Hell, may be perfect.  A new classic for Halloween marathons everywhere, and a fine representation of so many of the things I love about this genre.  Creepy, fun, oozing atmosphere, and boasting entirely too many monstrous gags and effects of a top-shelf vintage, this delightful spookshow is both terrifying and wildly entertaining.  I freaking loved it.

.   .   .   .   .

So, feel free to agree or disagree, but don't try to convince this little duck that Hereditary was anything more than a turd of extraordinary magnitude.  We saw better character logic from Camp Counselors back in the 80s.

And no one has yet to offer any reasonable explanation for Gabriel Byrne bursting into flame.  Shit happened for no reason whatsoever aside from a desperate need to advance a shit plot.

Look, a crazy bitch gave our lead a candle and a parchment, and told her not to worry about what it said, just to go home, fire the candle up after midnight, and read the ancient spell.  Just because.  Well, maybe the need to advance that shit plot was to blame here too.  Anyway, SHE DID IT.  Without hesitation.  No bullshit.  I'm through here.

Except I'm not.  Still think the closing reel was like the ending of a possession film written and directed by Sacha Baron Cohen.  And for the purposes of this scenario, he wrote and directed the movie in his Borat persona.

I'm good now.  Let's see what 2020 has in store for us, good people of the internet!