My Favorite Horror Movies from 2019

Well, with all that happened, things were a little quieter on the blog front (and a whole hell of a lot of fronts, truth be told) than I would have liked last year.  So, I didn't get to share my thoughts with you guys on a lot of cool stuff that came down the pipeline.  With that in mind, I just wanted to take a moment here to list my favorite horror movies from a year that tried its best to kill me or tear my left arm off at the very least.  And failed, because, well, fuck that.

Anyway, here are my faves from 2019:

#5) Crawl

Look, in so many ways, Crawl was ridiculous on a scale we seldom see outside of any situation where grown people try to prop up Donald Trump without confessing that they're only vouching for him because they hate Mexicans.  So, yeah, VERY ridiculous.  That's okay, though, because Crawl was equally entertaining.  Gruesome effects, a rip-roaring pace, nifty performances, and alligators* put this one at #5 on my list.

*I like movies with alligators in them.  Like Alligator, which is impossible to obtain on Blu-Ray for reasons I will never comprehend.  At least you can buy the out of print DVD or VHS for hundreds of dollars.
What's wrong with this world we live in?

#4) 3 from Hell

I dig Rob Zombie's movies, and I do not consider that to be a disclaimer.  This may not have been his strongest effort as a screenwriter, but it does represent his best work as a director.  And it's all kinds of gnarly.  Next!

#3) Doctor Sleep

Rock-solid, and surprisingly brutal.  Features perhaps my favorite villain of the year, and the performances are stellar across the board.  Only suffers because of the recasting where certain characters are concerned, which was both totally necessary and just as problematic for this analytical cat.  Still a killer time at the movies, though.

#2) It Chapter Two

Like most everyone else, my initial response was to view this as a very good fright flick that didn't have the same oomph as its predecessor.  A couple of rewatches have changed my mind.  I now see this as being on equal footing with the first one, and I think I may enjoy it a bit more.  Yes, I hit my head pretty hard in the crash, so take this for what it's worth, but I still recognize Hereditary as a massive pile of shit, so I think the old brain is firing on all cylinders.

#1) Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

Damn near perfect.  Hell, may be perfect.  A new classic for Halloween marathons everywhere, and a fine representation of so many of the things I love about this genre.  Creepy, fun, oozing atmosphere, and boasting entirely too many monstrous gags and effects of a top-shelf vintage, this delightful spookshow is both terrifying and wildly entertaining.  I freaking loved it.

.   .   .   .   .

So, feel free to agree or disagree, but don't try to convince this little duck that Hereditary was anything more than a turd of extraordinary magnitude.  We saw better character logic from Camp Counselors back in the 80s.

And no one has yet to offer any reasonable explanation for Gabriel Byrne bursting into flame.  Shit happened for no reason whatsoever aside from a desperate need to advance a shit plot.

Look, a crazy bitch gave our lead a candle and a parchment, and told her not to worry about what it said, just to go home, fire the candle up after midnight, and read the ancient spell.  Just because.  Well, maybe the need to advance that shit plot was to blame here too.  Anyway, SHE DID IT.  Without hesitation.  No bullshit.  I'm through here.

Except I'm not.  Still think the closing reel was like the ending of a possession film written and directed by Sacha Baron Cohen.  And for the purposes of this scenario, he wrote and directed the movie in his Borat persona.

I'm good now.  Let's see what 2020 has in store for us, good people of the internet!