Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

This is one of the first movies that I ever saw, and it may be the first horror movie that I watched.  That honor belongs to either this cheap horror/thriller hybrid or The Boogens.  Recently, I snagged a copy of Jungle Heat on VHS and revisited it.  Despite some pronounced shortcomings that it can't quite overcome (namely, the budget--or lack thereof), Jungle Heat does enough well to deserve a little more love from the horror community.  For starters, I found Peter Fonda to be on point, and the fact that his flawed hero is both a struggling alcoholic and a real dick made the character more intriguing.  As a general rule, you don't want your leading man to be an asshole, but hey, if you go that route, at least you're doing something different.  Deborah Raffin is way too good for the picture, and does a fine job of stumbling into jeopardy and putting up with Fonda's shit.  Which is somewhat understandable, since his role requires him to rescue her whenever he isn't getting drunk or being a dickhead.  The mood is a definite win; Jungle Heat has a wonky vibe that slowly descends into serious dread during a bleak closing reel that feels more 70s than 80s.  The sound design also warrants praise--when we finally get to the creature element of this low rent creature feature, the little boogers may look lame as fuck, but they sound terrifying.  Those roars are seriously gnarly, and an otherwise mundane score ramps up as everything goes bad in that grim finale.  Of course, the script is uneven, the direction is lackluster, and the budget is a genuine embarrassment, so Jungle Heat often runs cold.  Still,  while it's frequently regarded as abysmal by those who remember it at all, I rate it passable at worst and pretty damn dope in brief splashes of creepy mayhem.

Final Grade: C

Peter Fonda is a total dick in this cheap horror flick that I may be somewhat biased toward--it was one of the first movies I recall seeing.

To revisit this childhood fave, I had to seek out a copy on VHS.  Kicking it old school, peeps.

Short Attention Span Review - The Prodigy (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - The Prodigy (2019)

Man, those creepy kids.  They get me every time.  I think they give a lot of us the willies, because the creepy kid sub-genre is always churning out new additions.  The problem with a lot of these flicks is that they often cover similar ground.  I think that's why I found the first half of The Prodigy so refreshing.  It sought to do something different, and it did so effectively.  Not only that, but it was subdued and spooky.  Had something of a classy horror vibe to it.  That's when the picture was at its best.  As it neared the end, it did a lot of things that we have seen before.  It did them well, and it was nice and dark--some of these developments were downright horrific, and the execution was sound.  Still, given that it began as a departure, I found the familiar beats in the closing reel to be a bit of a letdown.  In particular, the ending itself was basically a carbon copy of the conclusion to my favorite example of this sub-genre, a masterpiece in the horror genre at large that will go unnamed here because this note would be quite the spoiler otherwise.  That felt a bit lazy, and undermined a lot of the good faith this one built up for much of its runtime.  Still, it certainly held my interest, and there were some quality jolts in the mix.  The performances were compelling, the atmosphere was rich, and the technical merits were all top-notch.  The Prodigy is a well-made horror movie, and it certainly warrants some praise.  Having said that, if the finale could have been as inventive as the opening, this one may have emerged as a minor classic.

Final Grade: B-

The Prodigy is a pretty good example of the creepy kid sub-genre, which always manages to deliver a few chills.

Short Attention Span Review - A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

I'm an avid fan of Stephen King, and Salem's Lot is my favorite novel by him.  I'm also a big fan of Tobe Hooper's TV adaptation of the book, which is faithful in many ways, and also quite dissimilar from the source material in many ways.  With that in mind, I think I'm supposed to hate this movie.  I know a great many do.  And to be clear, it doesn't even pretend to exist in the same universe, which may be offensive to a lot of fans.  Aside from the name of the town, a New England setting, and the presence of vampires, it bears no resemblance to King's vision or Hooper's adaptation.  It's kind of like a reboot before reboots were a thing, albeit a reboot disguised as a sequel.  Many see this as an unforgivable sin, but it doesn't bother me as much.  It's also one of director Larry Cohen's lesser efforts, which is often considered a mark against it.  Okay, I agree, it's far from his best work--but a subpar Larry Cohen movie is still above average.  That's my take, anyhow.  And he brought Michael Moriarty along for the ride, and Moriarty does his usual bang-up job for the director who understood how to utilize him best.  Surprisingly, however, Moriarty is overshadowed by Samuel Fuller in this one--I know that's a bold statement, but it's true.  In fairness, Moriarty is a bit more of a standard lead here, while Fuller has a far more interesting character and the script blesses him with the picture's best lines.  I also enjoyed Andrew Duggan as the big bad, and I don't mind the hokey effects as much as many do.  I'm not going to make a case for A Return to Salem's Lot as a really good movie, but I'm not lumping it in amongst all those good bad movies I love so much either.  It's an okay fright flick, nothing special, but entertaining enough.  It moves at a brisk pace, and it offers up some intriguing ideas along the way.  There's a decent amount of blood and gore, and the characters are easy enough to root for.  This is a movie that many despise because of what it isn't, but it never pretends to be any of those things.  It's just a wonky little vampire movie from a gifted director who borrowed a setting from a literary giant, but approached the project with no great aspirations and a meager budget.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Final Grade: C+

I wouldn't have thought it possible for anyone to upstage Michael Moriarty in a Larry Cohen picture, but Samuel Fuller did just that.

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Disclaimer: yes, this is another bad movie I love.  Been revisiting a lot of those lately.  Devilfish is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.  It is atrocious in too many ways to list in a single review, much less one of my Short Attention Span Reviews.  And yet, I love it.  This love affair goes all the way back to my teens.  A rental store I frequented (Brewer's was the name, and anyone who also hails from lowly southside VA may well have treasured the place as much as I did) had a copy, but it was never available.  I guess someone lost it.  So, I would look at the box, and given my love for shark movies and Italian horror, it seemed like a potential classic.  Honestly, take a gander at that poster.  Looks pretty fucking cool, doesn't it?  Yeah, I thought so too.  Anyway, time passed.  No shit, it may have been a year--it was several months at a minimum, and then one fateful day the rental copy showed up.  I don't know if someone found it and returned it, or if it had been misplaced somewhere in the store and they located it.  Either way, one Friday night it was there.  I had to see it, and I was expecting a showstopper.  What I beheld that night was an absolute turd, but it had me roaring with laughter.  Some of the dialogue is wretched (the sheriff repeatedly says "What we are dealing with is a monster," and his wooden delivery paired with that lovely line gets me every time), many of the performances are far worse (there is a surefire candidate for worst death scene ever filmed included in the picture), the effects are horrendous, and the plot is the worst thing about the movie.  But it is somehow entertaining, perhaps because it is so hilariously inept, but also because Lamberto Bava was a good enough director to keep things lively in spite of all the movie's considerable failings.  Over the years, I would rent this one often and show it to people for kicks.  I even got my parents to watch it one Saturday night, and while my dad did little but groan, my dear departed mother laughed herself silly.  It remains a personal favorite for all the wrong reasons, and these days I seem to enjoy it more each time I view it.  I'm giving it a C+ here, even though it surely registers as an F.  Give me another twenty years and it may raise to a B in my book.

Final Grade: C+

Just look at that shit.  This movie is fucking terrible.  And that's what makes it so awesome.

Short Attention Span Review - Brightburn (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Brightburn (2019)

Brightburn is a pretty good horror movie built upon a premise that feels much bigger than the fruit it has produced.  I enjoyed it, and I think most horror fans will find it to be perfectly satisfactory.  And I also reckon that many others will share the notion that it could have been much better.  Maybe that's unfair; after all, I'm not sure exactly what more I wanted from it.  Then again, this is a dark riff on the superhero genre, and I find that superhero movies without a worthy antagonist fall short of the mark.  Maybe that's what's lacking here.  Once the picture takes shape, it is quite clear that the protagonists don't stand a chance.  Making matters worse, they're not smart enough or tough enough for your garden variety fright flick threat, much less young Superman by way of John Carpenter.  Still, there are dark thrills aplenty in Brightburn, and there's a surprising amount of gore.  The kills are pretty sadistic, and once things heat up in the second act, they come fast and furious.  Elizabeth Banks is awesome, but that's old news.  David Denman impressed me with his efforts to depict both a pissed off dad who feels the need to put his foot down and a dad who recognizes that his son could incinerate him with laser vision.  Most importantly,  Jackson A. Dunn made for one creepy kid.  Just a mean little bastard.  With super powers.  Yeah, that's pretty scary, but I just can't help but feel that it could have been scarier.  Sometimes that's the danger with a really sound pitch--even if you deliver the goods, you may leave people wishing you had somehow done more.  Anyway, it's still a dope movie, and I am not playing about those gruesome kills.  

Final Grade: B-

Brightburn is dark and surprisingly gory.  It is also a good movie, but one can't help but feel that the premise should have yielded something bigger.

Short Attention Span Review - Ready or Not (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Ready or Not (2019)

A lot of people hyped this one up, but the premise and the ad campaign didn't exactly rock my world. When I sat down to watch it this weekend, it started out fine, but I still wasn't sure that it would make good on all that noise.  And then it just started to click for me.  In a big way.  I cringed, I gasped.  I laughed out loud.  Not like when you type "lol," but like when you really do laugh out loud.  Anyway, the movie just seemed to get better and better, and unlike many pictures that gain such momentum, it absolutely nailed the end.  By the time the credits had rolled, I felt pretty sure that I had just enjoyed a new classic.  This is one of those ventures that holds massive appeal for me: a quirky and subversive vessel ripe with humor and gore.  Ready or Not is a great example of how to balance morbid guffaws with unexpected splashes of blood and guts.  There are tense moments, surprises, gratuitous displays of audacious mayhem, sly chuckles, big laughs, and even bigger laughs.  The script is a delicious oddity, the direction is sound despite a few offputting choices where the color palette is concerned, and the talent makes the most of the material.  This is the kind of film where it is so damn hard to pick a favorite.  Samara Weaving was a revelation as the spirited and tough heroine with a fondness for foul language--and great taste in shoes.  Adam Brody may have played the best drunk brother in the history of the cinema, and I guess that's a dubious honor, but it's an honor nonetheless.  Andie MacDowell paired warmth and an icy chill to perfection, while Nicky Guadagni put on a master class in creepy and intense.  And then there's Henry Czerny, who unraveled in glorious fashion, veering from practical and steady to outraged, incredulous, and hilariously unhinged.  Most importantly, the movie was just so damn entertaining.  It was a perfect example of the motion picture as a thrill ride, and I can't recommend this one highly enough.  Yes, I'm late to that party, but maybe I'm merely fashionably late.  Either way, Ready or Not is a blast, and I hope to find it playing on my television often.

Final Grade: A+

Ready or Not is a bloody good time at the movies.  Bravo!

Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

There is a really sound idea at the heart of this festive fright flick.  The pitch hinges on a deranged slasher running amok at a themed event for horror movie lovers like your friendly neighborhood blogger here.  The hardest parts of executing this premise should have been realizing the villain and the setting.  And yet, while the picture kills it in both of those categories, it has two glaring weaknesses that really took a lot of the wind out of my sails.  First off, like any genre, horror is at its best when the characters are involving.  You can make a bad story remarkable if it features compelling characters, and the common link between most great stories is a great cast of characters.  It doesn't work the other way around.  This is one of many instances wherein a groovy premise and impressive technical merits are undermined by a core group of players that don't capture our hearts.  I just didn't care a lot about most of the characters in Hell Fest, to include the leads, and that robbed the film of so much of its impact.  That and one ill-advised blunder really tarnished my experience.  There's a scene that starts off really great in a funhouse and actually stands as one of Hell Fest's most frightening sequences.  However, it turns out to be a cheap scare born of a lapse in logic that shatters every ounce of plausibility.  Seriously, it's beyond stupid, and as cool as the moment that preceded this gaffe was, the lack of a better explanation should have sent the filmmakers back to the drawing board.  Or the cutting room.  For me, moments like this can totally ruin a movie.  Now, I'm still going to give this one some credit because the killer and the setting were so dope, and there were several scary setpieces that were wicked intense.  The makers of Hell Fest did enough to entertain me, but they shot themselves in the foot with lukewarm characters and that wretched scene that was utterly devoid of anything remotely resembling reason.

Final Grade: C

A lot like Blood Fest in that it's a cheeky slasher movie built upon the idea of a themed event for fright fans going awry, this one suffers from one massive lapse in logic and a cast that is pretty damn run-of-the-mill.

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Blood Fest is one of those fast-paced and energetic flicks that aim to pay homage to the slasher sub-genre while finding a few new wrinkles to explore along the way.  But there's no concerted effort to deliver some sort of classic, to join the ranks of Halloween or Scream.  And that, my friends, is a good thing.  In my humble opinion, there's no better way to muck up this beloved sub-genre than to start thinking franchise and legacy before you put one rock-solid film in the can.   Blood Fest has no illusions of grandeur, but it wants to shake and move from the first shot all the way to the last.  It peppers us with diabolical kills, laughs, cool characters to spare, and some gnarly sets and shenanigans.  It works in most of these areas far more often than it falters, and it really clicks where those characters are concerned.  I liked all of our principals, with a secondary character who was a misunderstood actor who had portrayed a slasher himself being my favorite.  This gave the picture a bit more importance than it may have warranted otherwise, and each kill hit me pretty hard.  In the average slasher flick, there are one or two characters you dig, a handful of characters you could care less about, and at least one schmuck who can't get offed soon enough.  This picture has a schmuck, to be sure, but beyond that, I really liked everyone else mired in this quirky struggle for survival.  The set-up worked, the effects were quality, the score was on point, and the talent in front of the camera and their peers toiling behind the camera all earned their pay.  Was it a great horror movie?  No, but that was never in the cards.  Was it a fun slasher flick that I can easily recommend to all of my readers?  Damn straight.  Job well done, Blood Fest.

Final Grade: B+

Bloody, fun, witty, and (most importantly) populated by likable characters, Blood Fest is a worthwhile slasher flick that this particular horror junkie slept on for far too long. 

Short Attention Span Review - Ma (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Ma (2019)

Ma is an offbeat horror movie born of an offbeat premise.  No zombies, no killers sporting masks, no vampires, werewolves, or witches.  Just a lonely woman who offers up her home as a safe haven for some fun-loving teens looking for kicks in small-town America.  Only there's more to Ma than meets the eye, and this alleged safe haven is actually anything but.  Octavia Spencer is fully invested in the title role, and it is her devotion that makes this Blumhouse production from 2019 as effective as it is peculiar.  Spencer isn't alone, with a talented crop of youngsters ably supported by skilled vets like Juliette Lewis and Luke Evans.  This is one of those methodical yarns that slowly builds to a crescendo, but it entertains from the start.  In fact, by my estimation, the first third dishes out as many laughs as jolts.  However, as things grow more ominous and our unlikely host's gonzo ways veer toward a surprising darkness, Ma emerges as an innovative horror film with a lot to say.  It is a safe bet that anyone looking for a body count or a potent gore factor won't find much to enjoy here.  It is also fair to question much of the character logic, though need and convenience often breed such naive choices, particularly where youth is concerned.  All that said, fright fans who want to watch something off the beaten path that isn't some sort of surreal essay in dementia may just have a blast with Ma.  I think it's neat to see something fresh and utterly devoid of the staples we know and love, and even if Ma is no masterpiece, it is a lively left turn.

Final Grade: B

In a strange movie, Octavia Spencer makes the most of a strange part.   The end result is fun, and, well, more than a little strange.

Short Attention Span Review - The Lighthouse (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - The Lighthouse (2019)

After hitting the scene with The Witch, which scared me witless, Robert Eggers has taken his peculiar talents to another level with The Lighthouse.  While it is far murkier and lacks the same impetus, there can be no doubt that this is another masterful exercise in terror.  The decision to shoot in black and white delivers stunning results, while the 1.19:1 aspect ratio tightens the director's grip on the audience, ramping up the paranoia.  This is a bleak tale of madness and loathing, and it is also a surreal odyssey into darkness and murder.  It is an actor's showcase, and Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson prove seaworthy as they spar with one another all the way to a diabolical conclusion.  This is a movie that will prove too deliberate for many and too strange for others, but those who are looking for something different and exhilarating may find themselves thoroughly entranced.  I was hooked from the start, and while I don't view this as a masterpiece, it surely stimulated me every step of the way.  Portions of The Lighthouse are downright awkward by design, and it poses many questions that the viewer is left to ponder after the closing reel.  I enjoy such fare, and this is a fine example of a surreal nightmare that paints a subjective portrait.  The craftsmanship is impeccable, and I warrant that The Lighthouse will trigger a powerful response from even those who deride it as a failure.  It is perhaps the very antithesis of a buddy picture, devoted entirely to two poorly matched characters whose perilous union is clearly doomed, though there are surprising moments of jocularity that do little to ease the tension.  Many elements of The Lighthouse may be real or imagined, but the director's vision and ability are impossible to ignore.  The Witch was a marvel, The Lighthouse is a potent oddity, and I can't wait to see Robert Eggers does next. 

Final Grade: A-

Striking visuals and incredible acting make The Lighthouse an invigorating trip worth taking.

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

I recently sat down and rewatched this cult classic from 1992 for the first time in decades.  While it made only a minimal impact on cable and in the rental industry, I recalled it fondly.  Truth be told, it still holds up pretty well.  Star Rutger Hauer makes the most of a brazen part, throwing himself into the role of Harley Stone, a true loose cannon.  We often hear cops billed as such in films, but seldom see them behave like Hauer's Stone.  This guy constantly disobeys orders, chokes fellow officers who dare contradict him (with his captain looking on, no less), raids the armory, and essentially operates as a revenge-obsessed vigilante with a badge.  Alastair Duncan matches Hauer's intensity in the role of a timid sidekick who has also become a raging lunatic by the end of the movie.  Duncan's "big fucking guns" bit is the highlight of the picture.  What will ultimately make Split Second worthwhile for some and a disappointment to others is the kooky nature of this feature.  Split Second is equal parts brooding science fiction, guns-blazing action, and bloody horror.  The movie revolves around the pursuit of a fearsome killer who is ultimately revealed to be a gruesome hybrid of Venom and a Xenomorph.  Little to no explanation is given for this exciting but rather inexplicable development, and it certainly calls into question several aspects of the plot.  Like, the thing is ten feet tall and decidedly inhuman--how is it preying on people in bars without being seen, and why does it care about astrology and other human interests?  What's the deal with its psychic connection to a particular renegade cop?  Why does it toy with him while slaughtering everyone else?  In the end, it doesn't really matter, at least not to these filmmakers.  The effects are okay, the score is quality, the sets are good enough that one wishes more was made of the unique "futuristic London under water" environment, and the performances are remarkable.  Split Second is a B grade creature feature at heart, no doubt about it, but exceptional talent before the camera makes it stand apart from the pack.

Final Grade: B-

Hauer is totally unhinged in the lead role, and his presence is ultimately what makes Split Second memorable.

Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

I'm a sucker for monster movies set in the depths of the ocean, and I readily admit that most of these films aren't very good.  With that in mind, it is safe to say that Underwater follows in their footsteps.  While better than Deepstar Six and pretty much on the same level as Leviathan, it falls well short of the high water mark for such fare, Deep Rising.  However, it does have many things going for it.  I really liked the design elements, to include the sets and the creepy-crawlies.  The frantic pace seemed like a good idea, particularly during a rousing opening.  After that, however, the movie got lost and floundered before finding its way back for an explosive conclusion with some potent emotional heft thrown in for good measure.  Though they were painted in the broadest of strokes, I did enjoy the characters, and the performances were far better than what we often see in such a run-of-the-mill creature feature.  I did find Kristen Stewart to be particularly effective, and she certainly gave it her all.  However, it did seem a bit odd that she had to spend so much of the picture running around in her underwear.  At one point, they noted that the temperature had risen ten degrees because of an incident, but at seven miles below the surface, I doubt that turns the ocean into a liquid sauna.  And they also pointed out that the dive suits they frequently lumbered around in were too tight to accommodate regular clothing,  but since wetsuits and form-fitting clothing are actual things, this too felt like a lame excuse.  Like, no bullshit, there are probably women in prison flicks where the ladies aren't exploited quite as much.  My biggest complaint would be what could have been a total lack of competency, though I think it was actually a desire to provide an immersive effect geared toward exploring claustrophobia and disorientation.  Translation: for much of the picture, I had no idea what was happening.  There were several key moments (to include two pivotal deaths) that will forever remain mysteries to me, despite what were no doubt highly expensive displays of Grade A shaky cam magic.  In the dark.  Key dialogue was muffled by heavy breathing and distorted transmissions.  Entire setpieces were lost to a fog of paranoia and jarring visuals, punctuated by quick glimpses of darkness and more darkness.  Maybe this sounded good in concept, but when a character you enjoy perishes and you have no idea what went down, it's a bit of a bummer.  When it happens more than once, it becomes flat out frustrating.  That's how I would ultimately describe Underwater: frustrating.  Everything necessary for a groovy chiller is on hand, but the ingredients are misused, and the resulting dish is a little bland, a little messy, and very forgettable despite a couple of exciting flourishes.

Final Grade: C-

Kristen Stewart is pictured here in more than just her undergarments.  She bares her soul in a fine lead performance that also requires her to bare everything else far too often.

My Favorite Horror Movies from 2019

Well, with all that happened, things were a little quieter on the blog front (and a whole hell of a lot of fronts, truth be told) than I would have liked last year.  So, I didn't get to share my thoughts with you guys on a lot of cool stuff that came down the pipeline.  With that in mind, I just wanted to take a moment here to list my favorite horror movies from a year that tried its best to kill me or tear my left arm off at the very least.  And failed, because, well, fuck that.

Anyway, here are my faves from 2019:

#5) Crawl

Look, in so many ways, Crawl was ridiculous on a scale we seldom see outside of any situation where grown people try to prop up Donald Trump without confessing that they're only vouching for him because they hate Mexicans.  So, yeah, VERY ridiculous.  That's okay, though, because Crawl was equally entertaining.  Gruesome effects, a rip-roaring pace, nifty performances, and alligators* put this one at #5 on my list.

*I like movies with alligators in them.  Like Alligator, which is impossible to obtain on Blu-Ray for reasons I will never comprehend.  At least you can buy the out of print DVD or VHS for hundreds of dollars.
What's wrong with this world we live in?

#4) 3 from Hell

I dig Rob Zombie's movies, and I do not consider that to be a disclaimer.  This may not have been his strongest effort as a screenwriter, but it does represent his best work as a director.  And it's all kinds of gnarly.  Next!

#3) Doctor Sleep

Rock-solid, and surprisingly brutal.  Features perhaps my favorite villain of the year, and the performances are stellar across the board.  Only suffers because of the recasting where certain characters are concerned, which was both totally necessary and just as problematic for this analytical cat.  Still a killer time at the movies, though.

#2) It Chapter Two

Like most everyone else, my initial response was to view this as a very good fright flick that didn't have the same oomph as its predecessor.  A couple of rewatches have changed my mind.  I now see this as being on equal footing with the first one, and I think I may enjoy it a bit more.  Yes, I hit my head pretty hard in the crash, so take this for what it's worth, but I still recognize Hereditary as a massive pile of shit, so I think the old brain is firing on all cylinders.

#1) Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

Damn near perfect.  Hell, may be perfect.  A new classic for Halloween marathons everywhere, and a fine representation of so many of the things I love about this genre.  Creepy, fun, oozing atmosphere, and boasting entirely too many monstrous gags and effects of a top-shelf vintage, this delightful spookshow is both terrifying and wildly entertaining.  I freaking loved it.

.   .   .   .   .

So, feel free to agree or disagree, but don't try to convince this little duck that Hereditary was anything more than a turd of extraordinary magnitude.  We saw better character logic from Camp Counselors back in the 80s.

And no one has yet to offer any reasonable explanation for Gabriel Byrne bursting into flame.  Shit happened for no reason whatsoever aside from a desperate need to advance a shit plot.

Look, a crazy bitch gave our lead a candle and a parchment, and told her not to worry about what it said, just to go home, fire the candle up after midnight, and read the ancient spell.  Just because.  Well, maybe the need to advance that shit plot was to blame here too.  Anyway, SHE DID IT.  Without hesitation.  No bullshit.  I'm through here.

Except I'm not.  Still think the closing reel was like the ending of a possession film written and directed by Sacha Baron Cohen.  And for the purposes of this scenario, he wrote and directed the movie in his Borat persona.

I'm good now.  Let's see what 2020 has in store for us, good people of the internet!

Short Attention Span Review - Sweetheart (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Sweetheart (2019)

Running a scant 82 minutes, Sweetheart plunges the viewer into a desperate situation in the opening shot, and steadily increases the stakes until a blistering finale.  A survival opus married to a creature feature, the production values are sound if not spectacular, and the script is razor-sharp.  Most importantly, as this is largely a one-woman show, star Kiersey Clemons reveals herself as a force to be reckoned with.  Vulnerable, plucky, determined, desperate, and ultimately quite the badass, Clemon brings her character to life in stunning fashion.  This is what elevates Sweetheart, as being lean and mean, and even a bit innovative, honestly doesn't amount to much without a spark.  Clemons lights a fire, and as a result, Blumhouse has provided horror fans with another winner.  Victim to a relatively quiet release, this is a picture that could emerge as quite the sleeper.  I, for one, would love to see multiple elements of this riveting thriller explored in greater detail, though I never felt anything less than satisfied with this script or the director J. D. Dillard's no-frills dedication to shipping the freight.  The creature design is a bit more of a success than the effects work, though there are numerous instances where the effects stand tall.  Yes, there are a few mishaps on that front as well, but a top-shelf monster movie is seldom without blemishes.  The setting is as beautiful as the action is frantic, and the score is most certainly an asset to this production.  It is possible, if not likely, that Sweetheart hasn't pinged on your radar yet, but just take this horror aficionado's word for it: this unheralded descent into survival horror is a wicked little jaunt with an awful lot of juice.

Final Grade: B+

Sweetheart is the very epitome of a lean, mean chiller.  And I'm cool with that.

Short Attention Span Review - The Psychic (1977)

Short Attention Span Review - The Psychic (1977)

I greatly enjoy Lucio Fulci's gruesome outings, landmark horror films where no eye is safe and the camera lingers lovingly on gaping wounds.  Much to my surprise, this 1977 effort is a wonderful example of Giallo, and while there are a couple of typical Fulci staples in play, it is far more subdued and . . . well, . . . sensible than much of his work.  To be perfectly clear, I think it ranks among the best of this rich subgenre for much of its runtime, and it boasts a particularly vivid and intriguing opening.  Jennifer O'Neill is a perfect choice for the heroine, and she carries the show from start to finish without missing a note.  Everything about this one is a winner, to include an excellent score and some particularly striking cinematography courtesy of the wonderful Sergio Salvati.  While someone looking for another grand gross-out from a man who made many of the best might find this far too tame for their liking, it is a wonderful surprise for those of us who also treasure these dastardly mysteries.  As always with such pictures, the emphasis on style and mood over substance and the desire for earth-shattering twists often results in a plot that is too convoluted for its own good.  Yet it never leans as far toward the absurd as many of its counterparts, and Fulci fans may be quite forgiving of any lapses in logic.  After all, Lucio liked shock and awe a lot more than plausibility, and this one never goes nearly as gonzo as legendary shockers like his The Beyond or City of the Living Dead.  I am going to highly recommend The Psychic (also known as Sette Note in Nero, or Seven Notes in Black) for those who dig Giallo as well as any Fulci fan, with those who want to see a different approach from this demented titan in particular.  You know what?  I'm going to take this a little farther and recommend The Psychic to anyone who digs the macabre at all.  I thought it was really damn good, and Fulci and O'Neill both worked hard to make this one twisted trip worth taking.

Final Grade: A

Jennifer O'Neill is sensational in this high quality giallo from a director better known for his gory shenanigans.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #20) The Fly (1986)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.  Today, I'm cranking things up with the first entry in my Top 20 Horror Movies. 

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #20) The Fly (1986)

The first entry on my list is one of three remakes to be included.  This one is surely the wildest departure from the original, as this somber tale bears little or no resemblance to the cheeky Vincent Price vehicle from 1958.  This 1986 version of the The Fly is directed by David Cronenberg, one of the most visionary directors of them all.  Cronenberg's intense and often perverse work has largely originated within either the horror genre or the science fiction genre, and I think this deliberate terror yarn stands as his grandest achievement.  It's also the best work that Jeff Goldblum has ever done, and his total immersion into the part of Seth Brundle, a daring and strangely charismatic scientist, is amazing to behold.  Throw in some fabulous effects work and an eerie score by Howard Shore and you have the makings of a classic.   This version of The Fly is a slow burn that works magnificently.  The first two acts are largely about meeting the characters and witnessing a failed experiment and the subsequent transformation as Goldblum's wacky but lovable scientist becomes one of the most grotesque monsters ever put on film.  These portions of the film are ripe with suspense and dread, while the third and final act is where most of the gruesome action takes place.  The film is potent; the combination of disturbing visuals and difficult content make it every bit as emotional and dramatic as it is frightening.  Yes, this version of The Fly is everything that I'm looking for in a great horror film, and viewing it remains a riveting experience that I highly recommend.

Jeff Goldblum's work in Cronenberg's remake of The Fly is absolutely amazing.