Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Short Attention Span Review: Rampage (2018)


Short Attention Span Review: Rampage (2018)

As someone who played the video game this movie is based on in my youth, the news that this property was being developed into a film hit me like a ton of meh.  There wasn't much in the way of a plot so far as the game was concerned, and even after The Rock signed on to star in the picture, I just didn't see how this could be anything special.  I think I was expecting something more along the lines of Pixels, so I got a pleasant surprise when I took my son to see this one in the theater.  We revisited it on Blu-Ray this weekend with the whole fam, and my opinion hasn't changed: Rampage is a solid creature feature.  It's not quite on par with Kong: Skull Island, but it isn't too far off, and while I think the 2014 version of Godzilla is a superior movie, Rampage offers a lot more in the way of entertainment.  The effects were pretty awesome, there were some big laughs along the way, and anyone who enjoys seeing giant monsters run amok is guaranteed to enjoy the shenanigans that unfold in this nonsensical romp.  The Rock does a bang-up job in the lead role, investing a lot of heart into the picture, while most everyone else is relegated to playing a cliche aside from George, the albino gorilla/CGI spectacle who enjoys quite a bromance with our star.  Genre fans will likely enjoy the little Predator homage embedded in the first act, and the last reel is a cinematic bombardment of carnage on an epic scale.  Perhaps most impressive is the fact that the movie manages to tell an interesting tale and deliver some serious kicks while also finding a way to pay homage to the simplistic video game it is based upon.  While I'm a big fan of The Rock as a personality, I have often found his filmography to be a bit lacking, and I surely didn't expect Rampage to offer anything new and different.  In truth, it didn't, but those who enjoy my blog should know by now that I'm sucker for a creature feature, and I'm not one to throw stones at a servicable B movie.  This is both of those things, and it is also one of The Rock's most enjoyable offerings.

Final Grade: B+

Surprisingly, Rampage emerges as a solid creature feature and one of The Rock's  most entertaining movies.

Monday, July 30, 2018

Short Attention Span Review: A Quiet Place (2018)


Short Attention Span Review: A Quiet Place (2018)

For a film fanatic, there are few feelings so sublime as that sense of bliss that washes over you when you realize you are watching an instant classic.  Sometimes this can be misleading, as it isn't uncommon for an epic set-up or some incredible filmmaking to break down at some point, but occasionally the filmmakers deliver the goods from start to finish.  A Quiet Place is one of those flicks where things begin and end on a high note, with a series of high notes sprinkled in between for good measure.  The pitch is simple but intriguing and new, and the execution is flawless.  Truthfully, I can't think of anything that warrants criticism.  The acting is sensational, with everyone in the small cast doing an amazing job of bringing their characters to life.  It's hard to single anyone out, but Emily Blunt surely deserves special praise given her Oscar-worthy performance even if none of her co-stars lag too far behind her tour de force.  The script is keen and insightful; it is stripped to the bare essentials, yet it contains incredible depth and completely fleshes out its vision.  Co-star John Krasinski is a bit of a revelation as a director, and he nearly matches his wife with an invigorating performance.  Few genres depend on a good score and sound effects as much as the horror genre, and the very concept of  A Quiet Place demands an awful lot on those fronts--and the artists come through in spectacular fashion.  The creature design is a big winner, the pacing and editing are on point, . . . there's just nothing to complain about here.  There is a lot to marvel at, and viewers who journey to A Quiet Place will be swept away by a vivid sensation that will terrify and move them in equal measures. This is a fine example of the horror genre at its very best, as A Quiet Place is an amazing experience that easily stands as one of the best films we'll see this year--or any other year, for that matter.

Final Grade: A+

An inventive concept and excellent craftsmanship combine to yield an instant classic.  A Quiet Place is not just a great horror film, it's a great film in general.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Short Attention Span Review: Dark Was the Night (2014)


Short Attention Span Review: Dark Was the Night (2014)

Here's a little picture that slipped through the cracks for the most part and didn't seem to garner a lot of praise.  Mostly regarded as average, I was intrigued by the title and premise, but I honestly didn't expect much from Dark Was the Night.  However, it didn't take long for me to become enthralled, and I found this to be a rock solid creature feature.  I really enjoyed the old school monster movie approach with a plot that fit the "slow boil" mold to perfection and direction that yielded only a few glimpses of the creature until the rousing conclusion.  Kevin Durand and Lukas Haas put in quality work as the leads, and each character came equipped with a backstory that made them easy to root for.  I liked the way the town of Maiden Woods was depicted, and a typical assortment of stock characters made me feel right at home in no time.  Director Jack Heller did a great job of establishing suspense and creating an atmosphere of dread while fleshing out his characters, and he engineered a few big scares along the way to give this one some bite.  Some might be annoyed at the bluish tint that settles over most of the proceedings, but I thought it gave the picture a unique look and it paired nicely with some of the emotional battles playing out in the lives of our protagonists.  Finally, the big finale didn't let me down, and while the effects weren't exactly top-shelf material, they didn't miss the mark by much.  When the town of Maiden Woods gathered together to make their last stand, I found the confrontation that played out to be thrilling and satisfying, and the ending was a perfect throwback to the creature features of my youth.  Yes, those who have a similar nostalgia for the monster movies of the 70s and 80s may find more to enjoy here than modern audiences, but Dark Was the Night is a well-made horror flick that should entertain genre fans of any era.  Is it a B movie?  Absolutely, but it's a damn good B movie, and I would personally welcome a sequel with open arms.

Final Grade: B

I loved the old school creature feature feel, and Kevin Durand and Lukas Haas made for a pair of likable leads.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Powerful Pages - Batman: Gothic by Grant Morrison and Klaus Janson (1990)


Powerful Pages - Batman: Gothic by Grant Morrison and Klaus Janson (1990)

When it comes to dark and brooding, Batman sets the bar.  With this particularly grim tale, writer Grant Morrison ups the ante with a major influx of twisted horror, while Klaus Janson offers some of his best work, using shadows and angles to supreme effect.  The tale benefits from a ghastly original villain who is a bit more sinister than any of the caped crusader's typical foes, and this fiend proves to be far more formidable as well.  Of particular note were a handful of eerie dream sequences that were quite literally the stuff of nightmares and several expertly choreographed confrontations.  This was a top-notch affair from top to bottom, with impeccable plotting and an inventive yarn with numerous twists and turns pairing nicely with sensational artwork and brilliant lettering.  While I've never seen it placed among top-tier outings featuring Gotham's dogged defender, I found it to be one of his most memorable storylines.  Perhaps this is because most fanboys are more comfortable with a gentler tone and a familiar adversary.  One thing is certain, those who enjoy horror comics may find Batman: Gothic to be right up their alley.  While I have always enjoyed the touch of the macabre that is woven into the very fabric of Batman's legacy, this may be the first graphic novel featuring the character I have encountered where a touch of the macabre just wasn't enough for the artists toiling behind the curtain.  Batman: Gothic is a horror story through and through, and it is plotted and illustrated to sinister perfection.

Final Grade: A

Monday, July 23, 2018

Powerful Pages - Star Wars: Death Troopers by Joe Schreiber



Powerful Pages - Star Wars: Death Troopers by Joe Schreiber (2009)

If the idea of a horror novel set within the Star Wars universe intrigues you, there is every reason to think that you would enjoy Death Troopers.  A grisly tale of hapless survivors being hunted by zombies on abandoned vessels in deep space, Schreiber does a good job of marrying two separate worlds together.  Yes, this is most definitely a zombie story, dripping with terror and boasting many of that sub-genre's favorite staples.  Yes, it is a Star Wars tale as well, capturing the feel of that universe and inserting two of the franchise's most beloved characters into the fray.  There are also nods to Alien and other sci-fi horror ventures, so the tale's biggest shortcoming may be it's derivative nature.  Schreiber is a fine writer, and while he doesn't paint any grand pictures with his words, he keeps things moving and proves quite adept at establishing mood and tension.  At the end of the day, one shouldn't expect Death Troopers to use the Star Wars brand and the various horror genre tropes it relies upon to springboard into some fantastic new realm.  It is awesome to experience a gruesome zombie shocker taking place in the same world where the Jedi and the Sith wage war, but as zombie tales go, this one adheres to the formula.  In a way, while most Star Wars ventures aim to be epic sagas overburdened with riches, Death Troopers is totally satisfied with operating on a lesser scale.  If this were a film, it would be a B movie, and while it wouldn't shatter the mold by any means, it would surely be a crowd-pleaser for those who appreciate the concept.

Final Grade: B-

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Short Attention Span Review: Poltergeist (1982)


Short Attention Span Review: Poltergeist (1982)

So often, conversations regarding Poltergeist center on alleged curses and the question of who exactly directed the picture.  These are interesting threads to tug on, to be sure, and I'll touch on them here, but what is often overlooked in these discussions is just how incredible the movie itself is.  Nearly forty years after it was released, this exciting spookshow remains one of the genre's most energetic efforts.  It has everything one could hope for, to include a great cast of performers, phenomenal effects, a fine script, an eerie score, and sound direction.  Pacing is one of its biggest assets, as it begins quaintly enough, and then the suspense and fear are continually elevated until it reaches a bombastic conclusion.  It's also a fun horror picture, with ample doses of humor and wonder sprinkled throughout what could be dubbed a master class in the art of the jump scare.  As for those pressing questions, well, I've never been a big believer in curses on film sets myself, and any doubts about who actually directed the picture don't give me an awful lot of pause.  Spielberg was admittedly on set for a lot of the production, and was far more involved than most producers would have been.  There is no doubt that his fingerprints are all over the movie.  However, there are certainly elements that remind me more of director Tobe Hooper's work, so I view Poltergeist as a most successful collaboration.  The neat thing about this partnership (and one of the key elements to this film's longevity) is the way this bridges two separate worlds.  I think those who are looking for a mysterious adventure with a lot of otherworldy delights up its sleeve and an underlying sense of wonder running throughout will find a lot to love with this one.  I also think that old school horror fans who dig ghastly shenanigans and things that creep through the darkness will be equally pleased with this frightful romp.  It may be a bit too much for the E.T. crowd and it may be far too tame for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre crowd, but there's a lot of area to cover between those pictures, and anyone who resides in that terrain is apt to peg Poltergeist as one of their favorite horror films.  I actually consider myself a proud member of both camps, and I enjoy Poltergeist immensely.  I'm sure I'm not alone in that regard.

Final Grade: A

Poltergeist remains a vivid scarefest that grows more and more exciting as it nears its stupendous climax.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Top 5 JCVD Movies


As an avid martial artist and a movie nut, it probably isn't all that surprising that I have such an affection for kung-fu flicks.  While it's fairly easy for me to establish the upper reaches of a hierarchy in this glorious sub-genre (Bruce Lee is king, and the Shaw Brothers catalog occupies the second rung from the top), it gets a bit murky after that.  As a child of the 80s, it's no shocker that I have mad love for Chuck, and the 90s were also very generous to my generation so far as flying kicks and karate chops are concerned.  While Steven Segal and Jean-Claude Van Damme were vying for box office supremacy on the big screen, guys like Don Wilson, Gary Daniels, and Richard Norton were kicking the shit out of the cable scene--and Jackie Chan and Jet Li were doing big business in the East.

While I enjoyed Segal's badass persona, it always bothered me that he had no real competition in his movies.  Most of his work generally consisted of him wading through hordes of low-level goons, and he rarely squared off against any real physical threats.  For the longest time, his biggest test came in the form of a coked-up William Forsythe in Out for Justice.  Meanwhile, though JCVD features piled on the cheese and chutzpah and frequently veered toward the ridiculous, he had his fair share of quality showdowns along the way.  That's primarily why I came to favor his work, and for whatever reason, I have been revisiting his catalog recently.  As I look back, I can't help but use this platform to shape and share my thoughts.

That's right, folks, it's time for another Top 5, and this one is devoted to the action move megastar known as "The Muscles from Brussels" and his acrobatic martial arts classics/cheesefests.


Top 5 JCVD Movies


#5) Cyborg (1989)

The third Van Damme movie that I ever saw (with No Retreat, No Surrender being the first and Bloodsport being the second) remains one of my favorites for many reasons.  First off, it's incredibly lean and mean.  Running a mere 86 minutes, this grim futuristic revenge saga surely ranks among the star's darkest outings.  Secondly, it features what may be his best action sequence.  The big showdown in the middle of the flick where he takes on all comers and kicks ass for a solid ten minutes or so before the numbers game and fatigue finally do him in is positively massive.  Third, I always enjoyed director Albert Pyun's hyper-charged bottom feeders, and Cyborg is probably his finest hour.  Cyborg most certainly has its flaws, to include some dodgy effects work, a narrative so simplistic that even at only 86 minutes the movie sports some padding that makes it all too redundant at times, and a climax that can't help but be overshadowed by that epic throwdown in the middle of the picture.   However, it remains a riveting showcase for JCVD.  His career was just getting started when he made this one, but his talent and charisma were evident.  The picture itself is a gripping thrill ride with one hell of a mean streak.  Including this picture on my list at #5 seems like a fair assessment, but if I'm being completely honest, it probably ranks a bit higher in my heart.


You know what?  That action sequence in the middle of Cyborg isn't just one of Van Damme's baddest setpieces, it is one of the most bone-jarring setpieces in the realm of martial arts cinema as a whole.


#4) Universal Soldier (1992)

In my opinion, this is an easy call for this particular Top 5, but it doesn't rank any higher because I feel there are a few things that should be noted.  Most importantly, I believe it is a bit overrated simply because it pits Van Damme against Dolph Lundgren.  For whatever reason, while it has never been uncommon for major stars to work together in most genres, it always seems like a big deal when a couple of action heroes share the screen.  Long before The Expendables took things to a whole new level, we had to settle for Universal Soldier and Tango & Cash, and, well, Tango & Cash is Tango & Cash.  I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean that in a Tango & Cash way--which is pretty much the same thing, but I digress.  Anyway, it seemed like a big deal when these two titans shared the screen, and they do have chemistry, and each guy brings impressive physical tools to the table.  Take the star power out of the equation, however, and you're left with a non-sensical sci-fi slugfest that defies logic at every turn.  But that's okay, because as it turns out, so long as you have JCVD and Dolph on board, you don't need logic.  The second major point I should make is that while this may be Van Damme's list, Universal Soldier is Dolph Lundgren's show.  Don't get me wrong, this is actually one of Jean-Claudes better performances, but Dolph steals every scene that he's in, steamrolling everyone around him.  Dude was clearly born to play a heavy, and the writers made this bad guy a bit of a riot, which gave Lundgren all the ammo he needed to run away with the picture.  Now, all that aside, Universal Soldier is a solid outing for Van Damme, and it is highly entertaining.  It offers up several huge action setpieces, and the filmmakers clearly spared no expense so far as big weapons and even bigger explosions are concerned.  It has a bit of heart to go along with all the mayhem, even if that bit of heart is smothered in cheese, and it is never dull.  Some may rank it a lot higher than I have, but I think the #4 spot on this list is just where this particular soldier should be deployed.

It's Van Damme's Top 5, but Universal Soldier is Dolph's movie.  Believe that.



#3) Maximum Risk 

So, this is a bit unique for one of my Top 5 lists, but I can’t see it any other way.  I am putting Maximum Risk at #3 here, and I sincerely believe that it is easily JCVD’s best movie, all things considered.  In truth, the films I will be unveiling at #2 and #1 are not that good in many ways, and each boasts numerous elements that fall under the “so bad it’s good” umbrella.  Maximum Risk, on the other hand, is a pretty damn solid venture that doesn’t veer toward the absurd or the abysmal.  However, it doesn’t have the same impact as either of those films, as they are both glorious and terrible in equal measures.  Maximum Risk suffers by comparison because it doesn’t go too heavy on the cheese and doesn’t attain nearly as much cinematic significance because it doesn’t defy logic and quality filmmaking to tremendous effect.  It merely offers up a plethora of thrills and some genuine suspense, all while telling a tale that is silly enough yet not all that far off the grid for action flicks, and it is downright mundane when viewed within the zany confines of the Van Damme catalog.  It definitely features his best adversary in Stefanos Miltsakakis, and these dudes produce three dope scraps over the course of the movie.  Their big finale is a superb close-quarters battle, and all of their throwdowns are a bit more subdued (and thereby far more realistic and exciting) than typical Jean-Claude fare, with an emphasis on grappling and sterling choreography.  Director Ringo Lam does a bang-up job with the action, providing some nifty car chases to go along with all the gunshots and fisticuffs.  The plot is convoluted and has its contrivances, to be sure, but it might as well be Heat in comparison to notable JCVD pictures like Sudden DeathNowhere to Run, or (one of my personal favorites that did not make this list) Death Warrant.  It also features our high-kicking hero’s finest leading lady in Natasha Henstridge, who is uber talented and smoking hot—and never received her due in Hollywood.  That’s a damn shame.  All things told, I have no doubt that Maximum Risk is Van Damme’s best movie—it’s just #3 on my list if I categorize his career in terms of sheer entertainment, and, after all, that’s what we watch movies for.

These two enjoy three superb fight sequences that make Maximum Risk one of Van Damme's most thrilling movies.

#2) Hard Target (1993)

In Hard Target, JCVD stars as a buff hobo/martial arts dynamo/Marine Corps Reconnaissance veteran who sports a combination of a mullet and a perm.  That pretty much sets the stage for this one, with Lance Henriksen and Arnold Vosloo doing their best to kill our feisty hero in John Woo’s totally ridiculous take on The Most Dangerous Game.  There are scenes in this movie that reek of comedic brilliance, and yet it is an action movie--and it does benefit from Woo's stylized mayhem and Van Damme's amazing acrobatics.  Hard Target sports some of the star’s most audacious stunts, and it somehow gains points instead of losing points when these unbelievable feats come across like bits that would have been right at home in another gem from 1993, Hot Shots! Part Duex.  Yet no matter how daft the picture becomes (and it is daft, my friends, very, very daft), it remains both entertaining and compelling.  Van Damme’s Chance Boudreaux is a silly character in an extremely silly movie, no doubt about it, but you can’t help but like the guy.  He does have some funny lines, and Van Damme's overblown persona is a perfect fit for this explosive assault on common sense.  And Henriksen and Vosloo are so vile and sleazy that you can’t help but savor it when they go from stalking homeless vets with minimal athleticism and charisma to trying to hunt a ripped bum with a mullet perm who can do splits and helicopter kicks and wield any weapon in the world better than any of the bad guys.  In this movie, Van Damme: A) punches a rattlesnake and renders it unconscious so he can use it as a weapon, B) rides a motorcycle like a skateboard before leaping onto a moving van and gracefully rolling across the roof, and C) races approximately fifty yards before devastating his chief adversary with a flying sidekick while doves take flight behind him.  It's important to note that during this last spectacle, his nemesis need only raise his weapon before Van Damme completes his mad dash, but as he is stuck in ultra slow motion, he is doomed to fail.  Hard Target is more of a farce than Commando, but it has the same absurd charm—and a much better villain.  Two of them, in fact.  However, unlike Universal Soldier, JCVD manages to hold his own this time, thanks largely to Woo's artistry and a gonzo role that is right at home in this gonzo blockbuster.  It is so ludicrous that it has to be seen to be believed, but that’s okay, because you’ll have a good time seeing and believing it.  Is it a good movie or a bad movie?  I think it's both, and I also think that if you drink enough while you're watching it, you may just find Hard Target to be the best movie of all time.

Is it a perm?  Is it a mullet?  Did it make Billy Ray Cyrus jealous?
#1) Bloodsport (1988)

Bloodsport is far from perfect, but it is a damn near perfect example of the kung-fu flick.  It follows one of the surest paths to greatness in this sub-genre by focusing on a tournament (the Kumite) wherein a variety of cultures and styles will clash.  While it has some of the clunkiest exposition of all time and the intrigue away from the tournament fails to generate interest, the main dish here is the Kumite.  On that front, Bloodsport delivers in a big way, and Jean-Claude would make the most of this showcase by utilizing his acrobatic skillset to the very best of his ability.  The direction isn't bad when you consider that the areas in which the movie fails aren't the areas in which it needed to succeed most, and the score is pretty f'n rad.  The craftsmanship as a whole is robust at best and serviceable at worst.  The plot is equal parts inane 80s action flick and vintage martial arts masterpiece, and it is due to the success of the latter that it remains so entertaining.  It also spawned a few memorable lines (I'm a sucker for "I ain't your pal, dickface") and managed to spotlight JCVD's charisma as well as his incredible kicks.  If Cyborg made it clear that Van Damme had potential, Bloodsport took it one step further and established him as a star in this genre.  He has a few good battles in this one, but it's the pulse-pounding finale pitting him against the vicious Chong Li (played to sheer perfection by seasoned vet Bolo Yeung) that seals the deal.  Bloodsport arrived as the sort of film that action movie fanatics and martial arts fans alike would savor for decades, and it remains Jean-Claude Van Damme's strongest effort.  It is a perfect example of the sort of picture that made The Cannon Group so famous and infamous in equal measures.  It has a bare-bones plot, a clumsy set-up, and it suffers from a love angle that fizzles along with some needless subplots.  It succeeds, however, by placing its emphasis on a likable hero and a series of high-octane action sequences that test his mettle.  The fun concludes when our worthy hero overcomes all odds and emerges victorious, and if you're looking for a good time at the movies, there's nothing wrong with that.  When I set about ranking Jean-Claude's body of work, I found an awful lot to enjoy, but there was no doubt that Bloodsport would be the last movie standing in this Top 5.

Note: ignore the claims that the film is based on fact.  So far as anyone knows, the real Frank Dux is a bullshit artist, not a champion.

From reel to reel, Van Damme's breakthrough movie probably utilizes more of his awe-inspiring athleticism than any of his future vehicles.  
So there you have it, folks.  I must admit, this Top 5 has been a lot of fun.  I loved JCVD movies in my youth, and I had a lot of fun revisiting them.  The martial arts mayhem that made them pop is still exciting, though I didn't realize just how silly a lot of these pictures were back then.  That only made them more entertaining now, and I have to say that Van Damme churned out a lot of winners in his heyday.  Nailing down this Top 5 proved difficult, and there are several honorable mentions.  Once I moved beyond the top three, I found that a lot of the films in consideration were on pretty even footing.  Films that warranted serious consideration but failed to make the cut here include Lionheart, Death Warrant, Sudden Death, Nowhere to Run, Kickboxer, Replicant, and Until Death.  I also enjoyed Jean-Claude a lot as the villain in The Expendables 2 even if his showdown with Sly left a lot to be desired, and I wouldn't be surprised if he manages to make another big hit before all is said and done.  He can still kick, and he still has mad charisma.  He just needs the right project, and I would love to see him land it.

Short Attention Span Review: The Ritual (2017)


Short Attention Span Review: The Ritual (2017)

While I felt that Hereditary stunk up the joint in a big way, I did recently scope out a truly unnerving horror film on Netflix.  Despite the fact that the plot hinges on four otherwise intelligent dudes deciding to take a shortcut through the woods (and sticking to that shortcut despite several clear warnings in the first act that would have inspired any reasonable soul to backtrack), this is a somber outing with some big scares up its sleeve.  Yes, The Ritual may suffer from a few serious lapses in character logic, but it will still scare you silly thanks to a potent atmosphere, a fine score, and some magnificent effects.  An exercise in mounting dread, it doesn't take long for this one to grab viewers, and the pace is relentless, with things getting tougher and tougher for our protagonists as the picture deftly marches toward unspeakable terror.  What awaits our largely unknown cast is a different sort of menace, and this gruesome monstrosity is brought to life in magical ways.  I think The Ritual features one of the best creature designs in recent memory, and the final reel is loaded with amazing visuals that allow the horror to take root.  There is also a lot of depth to the piece, with the characters turning on one another and struggling to come to terms with their unlikely fate in believable fashion.  It's also willing to ask some tough questions, and our response to fear and danger is probed in such a manner that will lead the viewer to ponder whether they would stand their ground or submit in extreme circumstances.  This difficult introspection is perhaps the heart and soul of the piece, and it is handled in such a way that this troubling debate gives the film incredible gravitas.  The acting is another of The Ritual's strengths, and all told, I found this one to be a grim and disturbing voyage into a wicked unknown.  I have to take a few points away for the boneheaded behavior in the opening reel, but beyond that, I have no complaints.  Most importantly, it gave me the willies.

Final Grade: B+


Let this be the last word on the matter: there is no such thing as a shortcut through the woods.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Short Attention Span Review - Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)


Short Attention Span Review - Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

It is hard to look back at this one without acknowledging the tragedy that occurred during the making of the film, with Vic Morrow and two child actors perishing in a helicopter accident that also injured at least half a dozen others.  In addition to the heartbreaking toll, there were allegations of negligence, lengthy legal battles, and settlements, all of which only underscores how much this sad occurrence impacted the industry as a whole, much less the movie in question.  Still, I want to rate this one based on its merits, and while it is decidedly a mixed bag, it is a nice homage to the classic television show that has such an incredible legacy in the realm of science fiction.  There are four tales and a wraparound to consider, with the wraparound and the first story coming from John Landis.  The wraparound is one of my favorite things about the picture, and the first story is maybe the most powerful given the potent subject matter--and, unfortunately, it also carries a bit more weight because it is the segment wherein tragedy struck during the making of Twilight Zone: The Movie.  The second entry comes from none other than the mighty Spielberg, but I feel that it is the least striking.  The director goes heavy on whimsy and melancholy and he surely engineers a touching piece.  Hey, I love a nice feel-good moment as much as anyone, but it just doesn't fit with the vibe of the series as a whole (it is more in the Amazing Stories vein, which makes sense, I guess), and it is definitely at odds with the tone of this movie.  The third tale is a serious powerhouse from Joe Dante, and it is absolutely incredible, though George Miller somehow raised the bar with the final segment.  It is his "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" that the picture is best known for, and that piece hasn't lost any of its considerable momentum and tension.  It is a true masterpiece within the anthology format, and it should forever ensure this film of a legacy of its own in spite of its troubled history.  As a whole, Twilight Zone: The Movie is a gripping odyssey that is worthy of its title, and it offers viewers four unique journeys into a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind.

Final Grade: B-

None of the stories are bad, and three of the four are certainly worthwhile.  There can be little doubt, however, that the fourth and final entry in this anthology soars above the others.

Sunday, July 8, 2018

Short Attention Span Review - Crank: High Voltage (2009)


Short Attention Span Review - Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Crank was a bizarro action flick, to be sure, but it seems downright pedestrian when compared to its 2009 sequel, Crank: High Voltage.  A great many probably can't tolerate a movie this unhinged, but I find it to be exhilarating and hilarious in equal measures, and that sounds like a good time at the movies to me.  Seriously, cinematic brilliance is inserting a brief and pointless cut in the middle of a foot chase so you can use the title card "9 Seconds Later."  Add a Mike Patton score (I'm a huge Patton fan, and this soundtrack is one of my favorite things he has done) and I'm positively swooning over here.  The kaiju scene?  Forget about it.  Take my money, now.  And I'm a big Statham fan, and this picture definitely makes fine use of both his athletic prowess and his incredible sense of humor.  It's insane from start to finish, and much like Speed Racer, this feature could best be described as a live-action cartoon--only this one is for adults only.  It features the most comical sex scene of all time, Dwight Yoakam generating four laughs for every three seconds that he spends on screen ("Is Doc Miles going to have to choke a bitch?"), some serious gore, about a zillion shots fired, and Clifton Collins, Jr. taking it to the limit and beyond as a villain who exists as a caricature of a caricature.  And there's tons of other stuff I could single out, as the Neveldine/Taylor directing duo have engineered an action flick so out of control that virtually every frame is jam-packed with delusional mayhem or tasteless humor--or some combination of the two.  This is most certainly a love it or hate it sort of film, and I absolutely love it. 

Final Grade: A
 
No sacred cows, no holds barred, and zero fucks given.  That's the formula, and the end result is as entertaining as it is absurd.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Short Attention Span Review: Speed Racer (2008)


Short Attention Span Review:  Speed Racer (2008)

Call me crazy, but I think Speed Racer is a masterpiece.  While critics decried it as a noisy and over-saturated mess, I still find it to be a smorgasboard of sonic and visual delights.  Many found the story overly simplistic and derivative, and hard to follow, but I find it to be a clever and stirring representation of the zany cartoon that inspired it.  And while it takes every curve at maximum speed, I think it does a great job of telling a cool story amidst all the wild thrills leaping off the screen.  If you watch Speed Racer the movie expecting to see Speed Racer the movie, I just don't know how you could find this to be anything but a splendid ride that stretchest the boundaries of the medium at every turn.  If you're hoping for Ben-Hur, shit man, go rent Ben-Hur.  This is no classic by critical standards, but as a true blue live action cartoon, it is a marveluos display of imagination and craftmanship.  It also features a host of sound performances, with John Goodman grounding the proceedings, while Emile Hirsch is a solid lead and Matthew Fox oozes cool as Racer X.  There are some incredible cuts and montages, and as crazy as this may sound, you may have to go back to something like Beyond the Valley of the Dolls to see such innovation in the editing of a film.  The action is sensationally choreagraphed and marvelous to behold, and the sound is epic and falls just shy of overwhelming--and there are several key moments when that unmistakable theme makes its way to the forefront to tremendous effect.  I know that most critics and many of my peers think of this as some sort of flop, but I hail Speed Racer as a true classic, and I applaud the Wachowski siblings for their vision and technique.  While The Matrix will probably always be viewed as their finest offering, I'm not so sure that this isn't a superior motion picture.  Call me crazy, but that's where I stand.

Final Grade: A

A kaleidoscope of color and sound, Speed Racer is a vibrant spectacle like no other.  It is a live-action cartoon, and it is incredile.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Short Attention Span Review: Man's Best Friend (1993)


Short Attention Span Review: Man's Best Friend (1993)

As guilty pleasures go, this is a big winner.  While it never aspires to be anything more than a B-rate horror flick that cross-pollinates the killer canine sub-genre with the Frankenstein mythos, Man's Best Friend never fails to entertain either.  There's a cool medley in play; the sci-fi and the horror elements complement one another well, and there's a surprising amount of humor and some genuine creativity in the mix to round things out.  The effects and the action are both top shelf stuff, the direction is crisp, and the score nicely accentuates the suspense and bloodshed unfolding on-screen.  Most importantly, it features Lance Henriksen at his apex, chewing up scenery like a mad dog himself, and upping the ante at every turn.  He probably spent a week or so on set at most, but he elevates the picture with his tenacity, turning what could have been a garden variety mad scientist into the sparkplug that keeps this baby firing on all cylinders from start to finish.  Ally Sheedy is also worth mentioning here, as she does a fine job in the lead role.  The script is both clever and bloodthirsty when it needs to be.  It's no classic, but Man's Best Friend still manages to stand out from the pack.

Final Grade: B

Go ahead.  Hit him with a rolled-up newspaper.  Call him a bad dog.  Remind him who's boss.  I double-dog-dare you.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Powerful Pages: Baal by Robert R. McCammon (1978)


Powerful Pages: Baal by Robert R. McCammon (1978)

McCammon notes in the afterword that Baal was both his first novel and an "Angry Young Man" book, and it reads as such.  With that in mind, while it is energetic and compelling from start to finish, it is crude and simplistic enough at times to border on being amateurish.  Those who have never experienced McCammon's wild imagination should surely start elsewhere, and those who are accustomed to his more profound works will find this one far too elementary to share a shelf with titles like Carrion Comfort or Gone South.  Yet anyone marching in without any expectations may find this provocative battle between good and evil to be bold and shocking enough to rate it far higher than I can.  There are some creative flourishes, and the violent passages (of which there are a great many) are forceful and dynamic enough to have a powerful impact on the reader.  I did enjoy the three protagonists immensely, particularly Virga, and the settings were well drawn, so I don't mean to disparage this one without due cause.  In fairness, I should note that my first novel was also an "Angry Young Man" opus with apocalyptic leanings, and I keep that thing in a box where I pray no one ever finds it.  I'm positive that Baal towers above my first stab at bringing life to a book in every way, shape, and form, and this grim page-turner is not without its strengths.  As a whole, however, it is a bit underwhelming, and while I couldn't put it down, I did breath a sigh of relief when it finally reached its inevitable conclusion.  

Final Grade: C

Short Attention Span Review: The Assignment (2016)


Short Attention Span Review: The Assignment (2016)

Walter Hill is one of my favorite directors.  Sometimes I think he may be my favorite, and at a bare minimum, he is safely in my top three alongside QT and John Carpenter.  So, while a goofy premise and lackluster reviews kept me from watching The Assignment until recently, I couldn't fathom Hill churning out a picture as lousy as this one was made out to be.  Upon review, I can say that this is no out and out travesty, but it isn't all that good either.  While the cast is on their game, with Sigourney Weaver leading the way while Michelle Rodriguez and Tony Shalhoub are both rock solid, and Hill's direction is slick as usual, The Assignment is a bit of a bore.  If it had been engineered to produce grindhouse thrills, I think it may have been a wicked good time at the movies, but the film suffers from an identity crisis that undermines it at every turn.  The Assignment surely has the necessary ingredients for an action yarn or a grimy thriller, but despite the relevant plot points and characters being in play, it fails to yield a single worthwhile action scene or any real thrills.  The key components seem ill-suited for a psychological thriller or (gasp!) a drama, but all too often that seemed to be what Hill was aiming for here.  It's a head-scratcher, and while it may not be a total mess, it is a flat and dull affair that wastes an awful lot of potential. 

Final Grade: D

Weaver does a fine job throughout and makes for a most curious villain, but the movie is too unfocused to match her performance.

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)


Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)

I watched a rather unique film this weekend, and I'm pretty sure that it was an American classic.  I had never heard of it before happening upon it by chance, and I'm not sure what drew me to it in the first place.  Maybe it was that groovy title, Electra Glide in Blue.  From the onset, two things were readily apparent: the craftmanship was sublime, and the subject matter was deep and open to interpretation.  A captivating character study and a meditation on so many different things, to include ideals as opposed to reality, isolation, civic duty, machismo, and even the merits of peace in a violent world, ten different viewers would likely draw ten different conclusions from the picture.  The cinematography was nothing short of superb, and while I greatly enjoyed the cast (in particular, star Robert Blake fully committed to the lead role and offered up a bravura performance as a result), the way the shots were framed and the powerful combination of riveting close-ups and compelling wide shots may have been the picture's greatest strengths.  It was impossible to look away no matter how bleak the movie became, though there were flourishes of humor and excitement sprinkled throughout.  The ending served as the perfect punctuation for a quizzical and startling film that worked for me on a great many levels.  As with any movie of this ilk, I do think it would prove divisive for most.  While I found it incredibly satisfying and worthy of repeated viewings, many would likely view it as too broad and ambiguous--or take offense at some of the conclusions they draw from it.  Of course, I tend to think that a film that can provoke such reactions is often a rich find, and I am certainly glad that I took a little ride with Electra Glide in Blue.

Final Grade: A

Electra Glide in Blue deserves another look, and the juxtaposition of civility and brutality is as relevant now as ever.
 

Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Short Attention Span Review: Hereditary (2018)


Short Attention Span Review: Hereditary (2018)

WARNING:  Spoiler Alert (I don't normally do spoilers in my reviews, but I'm trying to spare you)


Man, the hype for this one had me salivating.  I avoided all marketing materials and reviews as I wanted to go into Hereditary with no idea of just what to expect.  Still, I had heard so much praise that I couldn't help but be all kinds of excited when I finally set down in the theater to scope out a new horror movie that was supposed to scare me senseless.  Well, homies, let me cut right to the chase: when it comes to Hereditary, the hype train derailed.  I don't understand.  I wanted something in the vein of It Follows, The Babadook, The Witch, or even The Ritual via Netflix, as I do believe we are currently enjoying a nice period for well-crafted and deeply unsettling horror films.  I got a shitshow instead.  Look, in fairness, this has to be a case of quality ingredients joining together as part of a terrible recipe.  If you were to prepare a list of ten things a horror film needs to be special, I would say that this picture has seven or eight of those things, and yet the end result is garbage.  This motion picture boasts a magnificent score, impeccable performances, great sets, an unmistakable sense of dread, and there is a tale at the heart of the movie that could yield something both unspeakable and exquisite.  However, a feeble script, an uneven pace, some incredibly stupid characters* and some severe logic gaps in the plot turn the whole thing into a vapid mess.  Hey, why the fuck did Gabriel Byrne hang around for this nonsense?  Better yet, why did he burst into flames in the last reel?  Anyone?  I've got nothing.  And then there's the ending.  Boy, oh boy.  Talk about shitting the bed.  There was a moment when I thought the picture might redeem itself somewhat by sticking the landing.  This produced some severe tension in the audience, but then a series of miscues transformed what may have initially been nervous giggles into full-on laughter.  The packed house I saw this with was quite literally roaring with laughter as the clumsy conclusion went big in pursuit of genuine terror and produced a Monty Python-esque study of possession.

*Example: I shit you not, the main character is given a candle and a parchment containing a spell written in a strange language that she cannot comprehend, and she is instructed to go home, light the candle, and read said parchment.  Despite the fact that this batshit crazy advice is coming from a character who is clearly batshit crazy, our protagonist is all in without a second thought.


Final Grade: Shit Sandwich

Here, Toni Collette, who is a brilliant actess, offers up a startling rendition of my feelings on spending ten bucks and two hours of my life with Hereditary.

Powerful Pages: The Outsider by Stephen King (2018)


Powerful Pages: The Outsider by Stephen King (2018)

Stephen King's latest is at once vivid and refreshing while also paying tribute to the maestro's biggest strengths.  Rich characters and a well-drawn setting are the key ingredients, but a thoroughly engrossing first act and an approach that blurs the lines between a legal thriller and a supernatural opus also present themselves as major assets.  The big bad is new and unique, and equally creepy, and the book moves at a quick pace--which isn't always a staple of King's fiction.  I felt like this book deftly combined the hard-boiled aspects of Mr. Mercedes and Finders Keepers (both of which were totally devoid of supernatural shenanigans) with the passion for things that go bump in the night that has always elevated King's fiction.  While End of Watch, the bookend to the Bill Hodges trilogy, also intertwined the thriller and horror genres to potent effect, it leaned closer to the thriller side of the coin in tone and attitude.  The last two acts of The Outsider, on the other hand, surely represent balls-to-the-wall horror--and may even summon memories of King's leaner and meaner terrors born of the 70s and 80s, long before a bit more whimsy softened those harder edges a bit.  In the end, I found this one to be a real page-turner that made the most of all of King's tools, and I think that The Outsider stands as a nice bridge between his most bloodcurdling work and his most exciting offerings.

Final Grade: A