Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

People who read this blog are looking at that poster and seeing the names Sybil Danning and Wings Hauser, and I'm sure the obvious question has reared its ugly head.  Is this another of those bad movies that this dude really likes?  Yes.  Yes, it is.  Look, here's the thing: I don't like most bad movies.  Hell, I despise camp for camp's sake.  But there are bad movies I enjoy, and an awful lot of them feature my main man Wings Hauser.  It's a simple formula, really: give the man time to shine, and he will make the movie worth watching.  Of all the bad movies that he has starred in (and there are many), there are only a few that fail to entertain.  Most of those are titles where his name is featured prominently, but his role is meager.  This isn't one of those movies.  Here, he's given ample time to ham it up, and he does so with shameless aplomb.  He plays a deranged painter/killer who carries on a one-way conversation with God throughout the movie, hoping to impress the big guy.  Often, he is hoping to impress him with the creativity or outright cruelty he displays in his numerous killings.  If you are familiar with Wings, you can see where pairing the actor with that part makes this a must-see action cheapie.  In the lead role, we have Sybil Danning, who says very little and kills lots of villains.  Honestly, as a youngster, I only saw her as eye candy, this despite the fact that she often mixed it up where gunfights, catfights, and even a swordfight or too are concerned.  However, to my knowledge, this is the only time she was picked to star in such a film, and I feel that she carried it off well.  I think I sold her short in my youth, and if she did anything else like this, I'm suddenly interested.  Now, as far as plot, craftsmanship, and any of the various technical merits are concerned, L.A. Bounty is serviceable.  That's about it.  Take Hauser out of the mix, and it would probably register as a dud, despite Danning's good showing.  Even with Wings sinking his teeth into such a gonzo part, L.A. Bounty falls well short of his better pictures, to include the handful of legitimately good movies that he made.  Still, while this ranks among the lesser of those good bad movies that he specialized in, I had a lot of fun with it.  I was drunk, but I imagine that most people who sit down to watch L.A. Bounty in 2020 will be similarly impaired.

Final Grade: C+

Wings Hauser, people.  I mean, if he gets enough screentime, the movie is worth watching.  Legendary.  Just legendary.

Short Attention Span Review: Troll (1986)

Short Attention Span Review: Troll (1986)

Is it merely a bad movie?  Or is it so bad that it's good?  That is the question.  Honestly, as much as I want to pardon this turkey because it was a staple of my childhood, I think the verdict is clear.  Like most any movie featuring the name "Charles Band" in the credits, Troll is lousy.  Now, it has a few things going for it, to be sure.  Sonny Bono is a riot, the basic premise is silly enough to guarantee a few outlandish thrills along the way, and Michael Moriarty is always a joy to watch in pictures like this.  In fact, his madcap dance scene where he grooves/suffers a seizure/goes gleefully insane while listening to "Summertime Blues" by way of Blue Cheer, is not only the highlight of this particular show, but it may be my favorite scene from Moriarty's career.  And if that doesn't do it for you, the big musical number performed by the trolls will definitely convince you that were a lot of drugs floating around on the set of this 1986 oddity.  So, yeah, all that stuff is fun and all, but that's where the fun ends and the ineptitude begins.  Aside from Bono and Moriarty, the cast struggles to bring much to their parts, and in fairness, the script does no one any favors.  The plot is clunky and littered with gaping holes.  While some of the effects are actually kinda gnarly, most of them are so pitiful that they wouldn't cut it if we were talking about a children's puppet show and not a motion picture.  To summarize, Troll is zany enough to make a viewing tolerable and yet amateurish enough to make the overall experience regrettable.

Final Grade: D-

Sonny Bono is one of the few good things about Troll.

Short Attention Span Reviews: Shock Waves (1977)

 

I don't know why, but when it comes to cheesy horror movies I'm a modern era snob.  Try to introduce me to a low-budget horror movie from 2015 and odds are I won't care to view it.  Find me a low-budget horror movie from 1977 and I'll buy the popcorn.  Honestly, I think the old crap is a lot better than the new crap.  Yet that isn't always the case and films like Shock Waves stand as proof of that.  Now, I knew that Shock Waves was either going to be bad or "so bad that it's good" going in, but one of my fellow horror fanatics is really keen on this particular nazi zombie flick and that gave me high hopes.  He was wrong.  I was misled.  I'm sorry, Peter Cushing, but Shock Waves is a lousy movie.  Before we start discussing things that the movie didn't do well, let's talk about areas where Shock Waves managed to succeed.  Well, . . . that was a short list.  No, seriously, they cast Peter Cushing and the atmosphere was a bit charged at times, though that probably happened by accident.  The sets are cool, though the fact that the camera was apparently operated by an orangutan makes it hard to enjoy the locations.  I'm assuming the director was drunk because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt.  The editor must have gone missing long before he finished his work with the picture.  The score could only be deemed impressive if it had been provided by small children.  On a similar note, the effects could only be deemed impressive if they had been provided by small children wearing blindfolds.  If there was a movie about people having to sit down and watch Shock Waves, that movie would be far more frightening than Shock Waves.  Seriously, if you're thinking about watching Shock Waves, I implore you to take your copy of the movie and toss into the depths where it belongs.  In fact, I should have given it the Spinal Tap treatment.  Hell, it's not too late--here's my alternate review of Shock Waves: "Shit Waves."

Final Grade: F-

This is what will happen to you if you ignore my advice and watch Shock Waves.