Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Maybe this isn't exactly high praise, but The Sword and the Sorceror is one of the best Conan clones released in the early 80s.  Yes, most of those pictures are atrocious, but the point stands.  Lurid and pulpy, this Albert Pyun venture doesn't take itself seriously despite the presence of traditional genre themes like vengeance, conquest, and destiny.  It is easy to imagine Pyun calling "cut" after takes and imploring his cast to add more cheese to their deliveries.  No one plays it straight, and Richard Lynch and Lee Horsley engage in a supreme duel to see who can ham it up the most in the two most important roles.  Namely, the hero and the villain, and I'm pretty sure you can guess which one is which.  We've got melodramatic music cues, shameless T&A, and bursts of extreme gore.  And you can't bring this movie up without referencing the sword with three blades, which may rank as the greatest of the absurdities in play.  Oh, and this sword with three blades can fire those blades as projectiles--and the effects work that allows this to transpire is just as meh as what you're picturing in your head.  That's an exception to the rule, however, as most of the effects in the picture are rather convincing.  That's more than I can say for the fight choreography, which is rugged and inspired, but not all that deft.  You know the drill: lots of aggressive strikes that are all too easy to block coupled with frenzied snarls.  Work it , boys.  Yeah, it is that kind of show.  But you know what?  It's far from dull, and in fact, it's pretty damn fun from start to finish.  There are even moments where it is rather incredible.  Also, I mentioned the gore earlier--as a horror junkie, I'm going to double down here.  The gore is a nice touch.  Livens things up nicely.  So, if you're going to dial up something of this ilk that isn't Conan the Barbarian or The Beastmaster, The Sword and the Sorceror is your only hope.  Pop open a frosty, and you may just enjoy the hell out of this bloody romp that thrives on cliches and machismo.

Final Grade: C+

Good old Talon and the three-bladed sword.  Silly as hell, yes, and also pretty fucking gnarly.

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

People who read this blog are looking at that poster and seeing the names Sybil Danning and Wings Hauser, and I'm sure the obvious question has reared its ugly head.  Is this another of those bad movies that this dude really likes?  Yes.  Yes, it is.  Look, here's the thing: I don't like most bad movies.  Hell, I despise camp for camp's sake.  But there are bad movies I enjoy, and an awful lot of them feature my main man Wings Hauser.  It's a simple formula, really: give the man time to shine, and he will make the movie worth watching.  Of all the bad movies that he has starred in (and there are many), there are only a few that fail to entertain.  Most of those are titles where his name is featured prominently, but his role is meager.  This isn't one of those movies.  Here, he's given ample time to ham it up, and he does so with shameless aplomb.  He plays a deranged painter/killer who carries on a one-way conversation with God throughout the movie, hoping to impress the big guy.  Often, he is hoping to impress him with the creativity or outright cruelty he displays in his numerous killings.  If you are familiar with Wings, you can see where pairing the actor with that part makes this a must-see action cheapie.  In the lead role, we have Sybil Danning, who says very little and kills lots of villains.  Honestly, as a youngster, I only saw her as eye candy, this despite the fact that she often mixed it up where gunfights, catfights, and even a swordfight or too are concerned.  However, to my knowledge, this is the only time she was picked to star in such a film, and I feel that she carried it off well.  I think I sold her short in my youth, and if she did anything else like this, I'm suddenly interested.  Now, as far as plot, craftsmanship, and any of the various technical merits are concerned, L.A. Bounty is serviceable.  That's about it.  Take Hauser out of the mix, and it would probably register as a dud, despite Danning's good showing.  Even with Wings sinking his teeth into such a gonzo part, L.A. Bounty falls well short of his better pictures, to include the handful of legitimately good movies that he made.  Still, while this ranks among the lesser of those good bad movies that he specialized in, I had a lot of fun with it.  I was drunk, but I imagine that most people who sit down to watch L.A. Bounty in 2020 will be similarly impaired.

Final Grade: C+

Wings Hauser, people.  I mean, if he gets enough screentime, the movie is worth watching.  Legendary.  Just legendary.

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

I recently sat down and rewatched this cult classic from 1992 for the first time in decades.  While it made only a minimal impact on cable and in the rental industry, I recalled it fondly.  Truth be told, it still holds up pretty well.  Star Rutger Hauer makes the most of a brazen part, throwing himself into the role of Harley Stone, a true loose cannon.  We often hear cops billed as such in films, but seldom see them behave like Hauer's Stone.  This guy constantly disobeys orders, chokes fellow officers who dare contradict him (with his captain looking on, no less), raids the armory, and essentially operates as a revenge-obsessed vigilante with a badge.  Alastair Duncan matches Hauer's intensity in the role of a timid sidekick who has also become a raging lunatic by the end of the movie.  Duncan's "big fucking guns" bit is the highlight of the picture.  What will ultimately make Split Second worthwhile for some and a disappointment to others is the kooky nature of this feature.  Split Second is equal parts brooding science fiction, guns-blazing action, and bloody horror.  The movie revolves around the pursuit of a fearsome killer who is ultimately revealed to be a gruesome hybrid of Venom and a Xenomorph.  Little to no explanation is given for this exciting but rather inexplicable development, and it certainly calls into question several aspects of the plot.  Like, the thing is ten feet tall and decidedly inhuman--how is it preying on people in bars without being seen, and why does it care about astrology and other human interests?  What's the deal with its psychic connection to a particular renegade cop?  Why does it toy with him while slaughtering everyone else?  In the end, it doesn't really matter, at least not to these filmmakers.  The effects are okay, the score is quality, the sets are good enough that one wishes more was made of the unique "futuristic London under water" environment, and the performances are remarkable.  Split Second is a B grade creature feature at heart, no doubt about it, but exceptional talent before the camera makes it stand apart from the pack.

Final Grade: B-

Hauer is totally unhinged in the lead role, and his presence is ultimately what makes Split Second memorable.

Short Attention Span Review: Mandy (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Mandy (2018)

Mandy is a showstopper, no doubt about it.  It's also a tough watch on a few levels.  I would say that 75% of the movie-going public will hate it for one reason or another.  Many will not survive the deliberate and ominous first act.  Many will be unable to handle the hardcore violence that becomes more and more prominent as the film progresses.  Others won't like the trippy aspects of the show, and then there are those who won't be able to handle batshit crazy Nicolas Cage.  In all honesty, I found all of these elements to be strengths, with only the deliberate pacing of the first reel threatening to spoil my enjoyment.  I like a slow burn, but that opening pushes the concept to its very limits.  Thankfully, once things ramped up, I found myself in cult classic heaven--or I guess cult classic hell would be more like it in this case.  I'm also not opposed to trippy flicks when they work, and I think that Mandy remains coherent while also emerging as perhaps the trippiest picture I've ever enjoyed.  The violence is a welcome payoff after that subdued opening, and I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the choreography on display.  All too often, filmmakers who take a deliberate approach to their craft have a hard time dishing out thrills when it's time to start cooking.  That was not the case here, and Panos Cosmatos surely honored his father's legacy with a handful of visceral confrontations and some badass imagery.  Finally, while the script and direction are both solid but flawed, the hype surrounding Nicolas Cage's performance in Mandy is absolutely warranted.  He never falters, offering up an authoritative and nuanced portrayal of a quest for vengeance like no other.  Cage has often been praised as an actor of talent, yet he has also garnered a reputation for going gleefully over-the-top and perhaps even sabotaging his work with a lack of restraint.  I have seen (and enjoyed) both flavors of Cage, but this may the first time that I've seen the two occupy the same space.  It is impossible to imagine anyone else playing this part, and even when the picture is moving a bit too slow or exploding into surreal territory that mercilessly stretches the very bounds of credibility--even as it relates to a gonzo horror film set in alternate universe--it is Cage's passion and skill that holds the viewer's attention.  No bullshit, I would nominate him for an Oscar if I could.  But I can't, and the Oscars are bullshit anyway.  Mandy, on the other hand, is totally legitimate.

Final Grade: B+

Cosmatos does some amazing things with his direction, but occassionally falters.  His star, however, is at the top of his game throughout.  Could this be Cage's finest hour?  That's certainly a possibility.

Short Attention Span Review - Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Short Attention Span Review - Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Crank was a bizarro action flick, to be sure, but it seems downright pedestrian when compared to its 2009 sequel, Crank: High Voltage.  A great many probably can't tolerate a movie this unhinged, but I find it to be exhilarating and hilarious in equal measures, and that sounds like a good time at the movies to me.  Seriously, cinematic brilliance is inserting a brief and pointless cut in the middle of a foot chase so you can use the title card "9 Seconds Later."  Add a Mike Patton score (I'm a huge Patton fan, and this soundtrack is one of my favorite things he has done) and I'm positively swooning over here.  The kaiju scene?  Forget about it.  Take my money, now.  And I'm a big Statham fan, and this picture definitely makes fine use of both his athletic prowess and his incredible sense of humor.  It's insane from start to finish, and much like Speed Racer, this feature could best be described as a live-action cartoon--only this one is for adults only.  It features the most comical sex scene of all time, Dwight Yoakam generating four laughs for every three seconds that he spends on screen ("Is Doc Miles going to have to choke a bitch?"), some serious gore, about a zillion shots fired, and Clifton Collins, Jr. taking it to the limit and beyond as a villain who exists as a caricature of a caricature.  And there's tons of other stuff I could single out, as the Neveldine/Taylor directing duo have engineered an action flick so out of control that virtually every frame is jam-packed with delusional mayhem or tasteless humor--or some combination of the two.  This is most certainly a love it or hate it sort of film, and I absolutely love it. 

Final Grade: A
 

No sacred cows, no holds barred, and zero fucks given.  That's the formula, and the end result is as entertaining as it is absurd.

Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)

Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)

I watched a rather unique film this weekend, and I'm pretty sure that it was an American classic.  I had never heard of it before happening upon it by chance, and I'm not sure what drew me to it in the first place.  Maybe it was that groovy title, Electra Glide in Blue.  From the onset, two things were readily apparent: the craftmanship was sublime, and the subject matter was deep and open to interpretation.  A captivating character study and a meditation on so many different things, to include ideals as opposed to reality, isolation, civic duty, machismo, and even the merits of peace in a violent world, ten different viewers would likely draw ten different conclusions from the picture.  The cinematography was nothing short of superb, and while I greatly enjoyed the cast (in particular, star Robert Blake fully committed to the lead role and offered up a bravura performance as a result), the way the shots were framed and the powerful combination of riveting close-ups and compelling wide shots may have been the picture's greatest strengths.  It was impossible to look away no matter how bleak the movie became, though there were flourishes of humor and excitement sprinkled throughout.  The ending served as the perfect punctuation for a quizzical and startling film that worked for me on a great many levels.  As with any movie of this ilk, I do think it would prove divisive for most.  While I found it incredibly satisfying and worthy of repeated viewings, many would likely view it as too broad and ambiguous--or take offense at some of the conclusions they draw from it.  Of course, I tend to think that a film that can provoke such reactions is often a rich find, and I am certainly glad that I took a little ride with Electra Glide in Blue.

Final Grade: A

Electra Glide in Blue deserves another look, and the juxtaposition of civility and brutality is as relevant now as ever.

 

Short Attention Span Review: Troll (1986)

Short Attention Span Review: Troll (1986)

Is it merely a bad movie?  Or is it so bad that it's good?  That is the question.  Honestly, as much as I want to pardon this turkey because it was a staple of my childhood, I think the verdict is clear.  Like most any movie featuring the name "Charles Band" in the credits, Troll is lousy.  Now, it has a few things going for it, to be sure.  Sonny Bono is a riot, the basic premise is silly enough to guarantee a few outlandish thrills along the way, and Michael Moriarty is always a joy to watch in pictures like this.  In fact, his madcap dance scene where he grooves/suffers a seizure/goes gleefully insane while listening to "Summertime Blues" by way of Blue Cheer, is not only the highlight of this particular show, but it may be my favorite scene from Moriarty's career.  And if that doesn't do it for you, the big musical number performed by the trolls will definitely convince you that were a lot of drugs floating around on the set of this 1986 oddity.  So, yeah, all that stuff is fun and all, but that's where the fun ends and the ineptitude begins.  Aside from Bono and Moriarty, the cast struggles to bring much to their parts, and in fairness, the script does no one any favors.  The plot is clunky and littered with gaping holes.  While some of the effects are actually kinda gnarly, most of them are so pitiful that they wouldn't cut it if we were talking about a children's puppet show and not a motion picture.  To summarize, Troll is zany enough to make a viewing tolerable and yet amateurish enough to make the overall experience regrettable.

Final Grade: D-

Sonny Bono is one of the few good things about Troll.

Short Attention Span Review: It Follows (2014)

Short Attention Span Review: It Follows (2014)

As I write this review, I can't help but wonder: when was the last time I watched a totally original horror film?  I've seen a lot of good horror films over the years, but I may have to go all the way back to my discovery of giallo in the very heart of my adolescence for a similar revelation.  It Follows is quite unlike anything I've ever seen--and it's scary as hell.  Now, I know I'm a little late to the party here, but if you're like me and you've been sleeping on this one in spite of they hype, well, wake up!  The hype is warranted.  Creepy from the start, there's a wicked dreamlike vibe woven throughout that is decidedly unnerving.  Fortunately, the stakes remain high, and this imaginative flair never causes the picture to become too whimsical to be taken seriously.  It Follows is a dead serious live wire that aims to give the audience a major jolt.  The score is damn near iconic, the performances are captivating, and the direction from writer and director David Robert Mitchell is precise and inventive in equal measures.  Few things excite me as much as the discovery of a great horror film, and this is probably the best one I've seen since The Descent.  Cool, terrifying, and fresh as hell--I may be so late that I almost missed the party, but I'm so glad I found time to enjoy this one.  It Follows represents a wealth of imagination and a superb effort courtesy of everyone involved.

Final Grade: A

It Follows is built upon a kooky premise that can transform mundane shit like this old lady walking down the hallway into a terrible nightmare.

Short Attention Span Review: Stranger Things 2 (2017)

Short Attention Span Review: Stranger Things 2 (2017)

Sure, it's a bit too familiar.  Okay, maybe in addition to recycling beats from the first season, the show is even more derivative this time out.  Who cares?  The first season was epic, and a powerful nostalgia vibe is one of the biggest keys to this show's success.  Recycling is cool, and Stranger Things 2 is a wicked good time.  In terms of style and enjoyment, this breakout series easily skirts a sophomore slump and instead keeps the good times rolling for Netflix.    Everyone's back for another kooky voyage loaded with fright and intrigue, and there are some new faces in the mix to keep things fresh.  One of these, Dacre Montgomery, is a revelation as Billy, bringing a lot of beefcake and even more in the way of charisma to his part.  Billy is equal parts picture perfect 80s heart throb and despicable sociopath, and Montgomery makes the most of his screentime, damn near stealing every scene that he's in.  However, the biggest surprise for me was Joe Keery as Steve Harrington, who has somehow evolved from the most repulsive tool in Hawkins, Indiana to perhaps the show's most courageous and likable character.  Of course, Millie Bobby Brown continues to kill it as Eleven, and there's really no point in going down the list as all of the players are wisely given lots to do, and everyone puts forth a worthy performance.  Matt and Ross Duffer continue to impress with Stranger Things 2, another mindbending spookshow with a wealth of charm that fires on all cylinders and rewards viewers with a fantastic story populated by rich characters.  The score is pretty damn nifty too.  Hell, everything about this franchise is pretty damn nifty--if you're not watching it, you're missing out in a big way.

Final Grade: A

 

Short Attention Span Review: Brawl in Cell Block 99

Short Attention Span Review: Brawl in Cell Block 99

Fucking wow.  I'm totally blown away.  Brawl in Cell Block 99 is a delirious nightmare masquerading as an action film.  A slow boil that ultimately explodes with some truly bone-crunching* action, this is a real find.  Hot on the heels of Bone Tomahawk, this picture clearly marks director Craig Zahler as a force to be reckoned with.  Well-plotted and deftly captured, this grim descent into carnage propelled by bad decisions born of good intentions is nothing if not relentless.  Star Vince Vaughn utterly disappears in the lead role, bringing a subdued version of his trademark wit to bear in a few well-placed moments that wind up being as bleak as they are comical.  The brutality and the sheer physicality that he brings to the part surely paint this as a transformational showcase, and Vince is money throughout.  True story: he's an ultimate badass in this one.  By the end, you may just find yourself thinking that he could kick the shit out of Conan the Barbarian if he had to--and that's not a statement this Robert E. Howard devotee would make lightly.  Brawl in Cell Block 99 is not for the squeamish, but if you don't count yourself among the squeamish and you're looking for a badass thrill ride, you need to watch this shit now.

*No, seriously: bone-crunching.  The phrase "bone-crunching" gets thrown around a lot in regards to action movies, but this is different.  Bones are crunched.  A lot.  In ways you've never seen before.  Totally gnarly, peeps.


Final Grade: A

Vince Vaughn slays it in the uber-violent and thoroughly malevolent version of Get Hard.

Short Attention Span Review: Knightriders (1981)

Short Attention Span Review: Knightriders (1981)

As a teen, I didn't know quite what to make of George Romero's Knightriders, a fascinating character study that stands as perhaps his most quixotic production.  That's saying something, for while he will always be best known for his gory shockers and his role as the man who put zombies on the map in a big way, he produced a few headscratchers (to include pictures like Martin and Season of the Witch) along the way.  I wanted more of the jousting atop roaring motorcycles and the daredevil flair that Tom Savini brought to the picture as Morgan.  I didn't quite get Billy as portrayed by Ed Harris, the king of the medieval troupe that has traded horses for motorcycles that Knightriders focuses on.  Billy isn't interested in stardom or money, and his devotion to a peculiar but noble set of ethics may even trump his concern for those who look to him for leadership.  In my youth, he seemed to be a bit of a lunatic whose zeal clearly surpassed his logic or compassion, and I may have yearned to see him dethroned--I note this despite the fact that the valiant yet suitably heartbreaking conclusion to the piece didn't sit well with me at the time.  Upon further review, I still enjoy Savini's quality performance and Morgan's perfectly reasonable yearning for gratification and publicity.  Yet Billy's inspired devotion and refusal to compromise in a world that grinds such valiance into dust now strikes me as a far more worthy centerpiece for the tale, and Ed Harris certainly nailed his first true leading role with the sort of magnificence that is worthy of a king.  I also found that ending to be absolutely perfect, and eerily reminiscent of the equally fitting climax that brought Vanishing Point to an end a decade before this film's release.  Lest I slight everyone else involved, there is little to complain about so far as the technical aspects and supporting cast are concerned.  Knightriders is far from a lavish production, but the cast is game, the stunts are lively, and the one and only George Romero does an exceptional job of bringing this unconventional saga to life in riveting fashion.


Final Grade: B

Savini is surprisingly good in one of his biggest parts, but Ed Harris shines, putting his formidable talent on full display long before he would become a legitimate star.

Short Attention Span Review: Cold in July (2014)

Short Attention Span Review: Cold in July (2014)

Sam Shepard was a true legend, a gifted actor who was probably a better writer, and his passing has been marked with a wealth of tributes that honor his legacy.  As I read about his filmography, I realized that I had never watched Cold in July despite the fact that it had piqued my curiousity when it was released back in 2014.  Thus, I decided to go ahead and check out this slow boil of thriller set in 1989, and I'm certainly glad that I did.  The de facto star is Michael C. Hall from Dexter, and while he rocked a hideous mullet and embedded himself in his role, Shepard made for a bigger presence.  Not surprisingly, both of these quality performances were overshadowed by Don Johnson once he showed up about halfway through Cold in July, stealing the show in a part that falls just short of iconic.  The direction courtesy of Jim Mickle was sound and the real star attraction had to be the riveting score by Jeff Grace, who was clearly paying tribute to 80s cinema by way of John Carpenter.  The pace was a bit uneven here and there, and while I can appreciate a nice slow boil, things did drag a bit at times.  Given that the movie is based on the work of Joe R. Lansdale, it isn't surprising that it concludes with a gory showdown, though I was surprised that there were so many plot threads left dangling.  I don't think I can grade this one any higher than a B-, but it was one bloodthirsty B- and that may not even be a bad thing considering that Cold in July is a B movie by design.

Final Grade: B-

Next to the killer score, Cold in July's biggest assett is the trio of actors who bond on a subversive quest to make things right that requires them to bathe in blood.

Short Attention Span Review: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)

Short Attention Span Review: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)

Some might label this film trash.  Some might describe it as a true masterpiece.  I tend to think that both views are accurate, and the potent blend of sleaze and artistry make it one of my favorite pictures.  The story is also a medley, with Beyond the Valley of the Dolls emerging as a parody, a melodrama, a skin flick, a musical, a comedy, and even a horror movie, all rolled into one.  Written by Roger Ebert (his sole credit as a screenwriter) and directed by softcore maestro Russ Meyer, this sordid affair is populated by zany characters and buoyed by solid performances.  It's a credit to Meyer's ability as a director that even the most absurd sequences are played straight by the talent involved.  In fact, the humor born of the rampant satire embedded in the piece works because no one involved treats it as camp.  Most impressive is the editing, with Meyer cutting, and cutting, and cutting, yielding several impressive montages and numerous scenes where dozens of shots are utilized to propel the action.  There are points where Meyer may cycle through as many as forty or fifty shots in a minute, and the results aren't choppy or jolting but rather sublime.  I also have to give the music some serious props and John LaZar's work as Ronnie "Z-Man" Barzell is a joy to behold.  Finally, the movie goes off the rails in a bonkers finale that firmly solidifies this one as cinematic gold.  Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is definitely one of the sleaziest movies ever made--and I also think that it's definitely one of the best movies ever made.

Final Grade: A+

Equal parts sleazy, quixotic, and masterful, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is wholly unique and totally entertaining.

Short Attention Span Review - Curse of the Demon (1957)

Atmospheric and tense, this notable chiller with a potent noir vibe is a delightful picture that remains engrossing.  Dana Andrews does a nice job as a skeptical leading man who has come to England to expose a satanic cult leader as a fraud.  Unfortunately, this endeavor goes awry when our wooden hero is cursed by the charismatic but twisted Doctor Karswell, who is expertly played here by Niall MacGinnis.  MacGinnis steals the show and his performance would surely stand as the biggest strength of Curse of the Demon if not for Jacques Tourneur's splendid direction.  The paranoia and the suspense that he generates throughout this twisted shocker are palpable, and despite a few hokey shots* of the titular menace, Tourneur's film is still a spooky outing that boasts several imaginative and frightening sequences.  The parchment that dances in the wind and the grand finale are perhaps my favorite elements of this beloved cult classic, but there are other sequences of merit generously sprinkled throughout the picture.  While it is treasured by many horror fans, it probably doesn't get the love that it deserves, and with that in mind I'm here to heartily recommend this creative tale of terror from 1957 to my readers.

*Allegedly, the shots of the demon were added by the producer against Tourneur's wishes.  Tourneur reportedly wanted to allow the audience to imagine the fearsome fiend instead of showing it, and the overall tone of the picture lends this theory credence.    

Final Grade: B

There are a few laughable shots in the mix, but much of the imagery presented in Curse of the Demon is still rather creepy.

Top 20 Horror Novels - #14) Rockinghorse by William W. Johnstone (from 1986)

Not only am I ranking my Top 20 Horror Movies for you this October, but I'm doing likewise with the scary books that I hold near and dear.  As with the movies that I'm discussing in that Top 20, I'm not attempting to rank these novels based on their place in pop culture, but rather their place in my heart.  Isn't that sweet?  Seriously, there are some fine books that didn't make the cut here because there just wasn't room, and there are definitely some well-regarded books that didn't make the cut because I don't really like them.  That also means there are some personal favorites of mine on this list that you may not have heard of.  If that's the case, I promise that I'll reward your trust with a gnarly tale if you give one of them a spin.  Finally, I may have shortchanged some of the titans in the genre (hey there, Stephen King) as I didn't want to overload this list with titles by the same author, though Uncle Stevie did manage to score three direct hits on my list.

The list thus far:

#20) Amok by George Fox (from 1980) 
#19) Manstopper by Douglas Borton (from 1988)
#18) Intensity by Dean Koontz (from 1995)
#17) The Terror by Dan Simmons (from 2007) 
#16) The Snake by John Godey (from 1978)
#15) Son of the Endless Night by John Farris (from 1985)

Top 20 Horror Novels - #14) Rockinghorse by William W. Johnstone (from 1986)

Pulpy, crude, and even downright amateurish in spots, this book makes my list because it is undeniably unsettling.  In truth, there are a great many horror novels that I have read in this life that are vastly superior to this rugged gem from 1986 when it comes to the quality of the prose, yet this one really got under my skin in a way that most of those books did not.  Maybe that's because it's so raw, and maybe it's because I didn't really expect such a book to generate such tension and fright.  It doesn't really matter, in the end I wouldn't be putting together a very honest list for you guys if I didn't include this trashy offering from William W. Johnstone, a prolific author who churned out a lot of lowbrow fiction in his lifetime.  The premise is both simple and familiar: a family moves to the old plantation home in the south that the father has recently inherited and it isn't long before strange things start happening and haunting family secrets come to light.  Things really take a turn for the worst when a satanic cult shows up with demented plans for our innocent family.  There's also the rockinghorse of the title, a child's plaything that has somehow become an instrument of evil.  This wicked toy won't stay in the attic and cannot be destroyed.  Johnstone may not show a lot of finesse, but he definitely knows how to keep things popping.  What are those beasts lurking in the woods?  Who can our desperate family trust?  Will anyone survive the gruesome carnage that Johnstone unleashes in this bloodthirsty romp?  This one is solely for those who love a twisted tale with a lot of shock value and aren't easily offended by grisly subject matter.  You know how people say they were so unnerved by a book or a movie that they started checking to make sure that all of their doors and windows are locked?  This is the only such offering that actually inspired me to do that.  I was a teenager at the time, but it happened.  I should probably point out that I have revisited this title as an adult, and while its flaws were more pronounced, it still managed to give me the willies.  In summary, I'm pretty sure that Rockinghorse is easily the worst book to make this Top 20, but it may be the scariest entry as well.

Short Attention Span Review: Devil Fish (1984)

This week I've been reviewing some quality Italian horror films for those of you who dig my blog.  I've provided my take on one of the late Lucio Fulci's better films, City of the Living Dead.  I also gave you my thoughts on my favorite chiller from Dario Argento, Deep Red.  Well, today we're taking a look at another Italian horror film, but I can't really vouch for the quality of this Lamberto Bava movie from 1984.  In fact, I think it's safe to say that Devil Fish is a terrible movie.  No, it's worse than that.  Calling it terrible is an insult to all of the movies out there that are merely terrible, and not so awful that it is downright embarrassing.  Yet, I have some affection for this turd, and here's why: it is absolutely one of those "so bad that it's good" pictures.  Scary?  Shit.  Hilarious?  Absolutely.  It is entirely possible that Devil Fish represents a high-water mark for unintentional comedy.  There are special effects that are so pitiful that one might wonder if the filmmakers let their children design and operate the creature.  There are death scenes that are so poorly acted that you may wonder how anyone on set was able to keep a straight face during filming.  You won't be able to keep a straight face while watching, I can promise you that.  The direction is woeful, the score sounds like the work of inept musicians playing broken instruments, and the script is idiotic at its best and dumber than Dumb & Dumber at its worst.  As a result, the laughs are frequent, and I am being 100% sincere when I say that Devil Fish is funnier than a lot of comedies that I've watched.  Like many films of this sort, it probably wears out its welcome long before its over, but if you turn it off at any point, it's not like you have to worry that you're missing a cool part.  There are no cool parts.  Lamberto Bava is the son of notable director Mario Bava, a terrific filmmaker whose worst feature film was surely about 100 times as good as this atrocity.  Lamberto would go on to direct Demons (a personal favorite of mine), so he was capable of making a good flick.  With that in mind, it's hard to say what went wrong with Devil Fish.  Actually, it's pretty easy, I guess, as obviously EVERYTHING went wrong with Devil Fish.  It's a blatant attempt to produce a Jaws ripoff on a shoestring budget with a lousy script, a lousy cast, lousy effects, and a lousy score.  The end result is a lousy movie that only finds redemption by virtue of failing so badly that it winds up being amusing.

 Final Grade: F+

"Do as I say or I'll make you watch Devil Fish again!"

Short Attention Span Review: City of the Living Dead (1980)

Widely celebrated as a filmmaker who greatly enjoyed showering his audience with gore, Lucio Fulci was also incredibly talented when it came to establishing mood.  His movies also benefited from quality cinematography and unique plots.  City of the Living Dead is a great example of just what Fulci was capable of.  It is incredibly disgusting at times, so disgusting, in fact, that several sequences are truly difficult to watch.  It is also incredibly creepy, and the sinister mood deepens as the kooky story progresses.  Fulci seldom had the privilege of working with a stellar cast, but City of the Living Dead features Christopher George and Catriona MacColl as a mismatched pair of strangers who set out on a spooky trip to save the world.  They shine in this demented gem, and the supporting cast does a nifty job with the gruesome material as well.  Now, Fulci was always more interested in taking audiences on a ride than maintaining plausibility, so this blood-splattered oddity does include a few plot holes and some random crazy shit like teleporting zombies, people bleeding from their eyes and then puking out their intestines, and maggot showers.  The score is ominous, accentuating a number of tense moments that make all the brutal demises sprinkled throughout the picture that much more intense when they arrive.  City of the Living Dead isn't a great horror film, but it's very effective.  It's a strange zombie film with a bit of a Lovecraft vibe and a lot of energy.  It's not Fulci's best film, but it is one of his better offerings, and those who enjoy this sort of material should definitely take a little trip to the City of the Living Dead.  Just make sure to pack a barf-bag. 

Final Grade: C+

In City of the Living Dead, once the bleeding from the eyes begins,
watch out--things are about to get incredibly disgusting.

Short Attention Span Review: Machete (2010)

I know, I know, I'm doing this backward.  Yesterday I reviewed Machete Kills and today I'm reviewing the first Machete.  I'm a writer, so funny things happen in my brain.  Forgive me.  Anyway, while the sequel brought some seriously silly sci-fi antics into play, Machete is an ode to those hardcore action movies of the 70s and 80s that made guys like Charlie Bronson and Sylvester Stallone superstars.  While it takes the notion of a parody to such bizarre heights that it borders on being too ridiculous to engage the audience, it ultimately succeeds in providing viewers with a cheeky and exciting experience that is equal parts bonkers and badass.  If you're looking for a genuine action film, look elsewhere--satire is as important to Machete as gratuitous violence and outrageous amounts of gore.  Robert Rodriguez pushes the envelope at every turn, and he gets quality performances from everyone involved.  Robert DeNiro appears to be having the time of his life, Don Johnson is great, and Jeff Fahey is fucking phenomenal.  Michelle Rodriguez rocks, Lindsay Lohan is actually tolerable, and perhaps only Jessica Alba seems a bit out of place, though she is smoking hot and it's not like she's terrible or anything.  Steven Segal is hilarious as the villain, giving us perhaps the funniest death scene of all time, and it truly feels like everyone in the cast had fun making this blood-soaked romp.  The score is on point, the effects are appropriately cheesy, the gore is obnoxious, and Machete scores a direct hit for fans of this sort of material.

Final Grade: B

Danny Trejo is at his badass best in Machete.

Short Attention Span Review - Machete Kills (2013)

The first Machete from 2010 was a dark and gruesome nod to hardcore 80s action films, which were equal parts hardcore and ludicrous.  Need proof?  Take another look at Stallone in Cobra, a film which is damn near as silly as anything Robert Rodriguez could ever dream up.  Surprisingly, this sequel is more of a send-up of James Bond's sci-fi adventures--though the outer space intrigue is surely cross-pollinated with that 80s action vibe that the director is so fond of.  Bolder, far more obnoxious, and ten times as absurd as its predecessor, Machete Kills is an utterly ridiculous motion picture that nearly crumbles under the weight of all the insanity splattered across the screen.  Yet everyone involved is clearly having a blast, and viewers who don't expect anything more from Machete Kills than a goofy good time will surely be entertained.  Note: if you're expecting something more from Machete Kills, that's a you-problem, not a Machete Kills-problem.  I don't know where they found that Carlos Estevez guy, but he was awesome as the president, and Mel Gibson was a terrific villain.  The best part in the picture may have belonged to Demian Bichir as a schizophrenic who constantly veers from noble good guy to crazed villain as his various personalities rage across the scene.  Of course, Rodriguez has always been down with girl power, and Michelle Rodriguez and Amber Heard are both incredibly badass (and hot) in this action/sci-fi mash-up.  The score is fantastic, the laughs are frequent, and while the picture is totally bonkers, it somehow manages to keep the viewer interested while gleefully going overboard with cartoonish violence and loads of gore.  I loved Grindhouse, I dug Machete (was Fahey badass or what?), and Machete Kills was another fun flick from the modern master of grindhouse filmmaking. 

Final Grade: B

Bonus Points: There was a brief homage to The Road Warrior that made me stand up and applaud.

Everyone has a good time in Machete Kills.

Short Attention Span Review: The Big Hit (1998)

A comedy masquerading as an action film, The Big Hit is a goofy flick that surely isn't as good as I think it is.  The story concerns a band of dimwitted assassins and centers on Mark Wahlberg as Melvin Smiley.  That's right, the main character is a fearless killer who survives a series of increasingly ludicrous action scenes, and his name is Melvin Smiley.  That should tell you almost everything you need to know about The Big Hit.  Silly, totally irrelevant, and bolstered by a great cast, this is one of those oddball movies that you come to treasure while wondering how the hell they ever got produced in the first place.  That being said, if you have a taste for the absurd, you'll laugh your ass off while watching The Big Hit.  Lou Diamond Phillips steals the show as the villain, delivering what is probably his best performance.  Look, I like Lou, so I don't mean that as an insult.  I'm dead serious.  He is positively hilarious here, and it's a part that would have tripped most actors up.  He totally gets it, and he owns the movie.  Plug someone else in his role and I might not even like this one--he's that good.  In addition to the laughs, which come fast and furious, there's also an abundance of violence in the movie, though it's so flamboyant and ridiculous that it would be fair to say that The Big Hit comes across as a live-action cartoon.  Buildings blow up, bullets litter the floor, and people are killed, but it all seems fairly lighthearted.  That sounds weird, doesn't it?  I guess it is.  It's definitely unique, it's definitely not for everyone, and I'm probably crazy for liking it as much as I do.  These reviews are all about keeping it real, though, and here's the inside scoop on my relationship with The Big Hit: I'm pretty sure that I love it.

Final Grade: B+

True Story: Lou Diamond Phillips should have won
an Oscar for his work as Cisco in The Big Hit.