Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Even the best martial arts movies are a bit goofy, that's the nature of the beast.  If you're going to depict people settling their disputes with a series of colorful showdowns where kung-fu chops and flying kicks decide the battle, you're clearly veering merrily toward the absurd.  Still, most examples of this genre I cherish so much try to operate with something that resembles a poker face.  No Retreat, No Surrender has no shame, good people, no shame whatsoever.  These filmmakers just pile it on.  It's kinda like The Karate Kid, except the villain is basically Ivan Drago as played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.  And instead of Mr. Miyagi, our hero takes lessons from the ghost of Bruce Lee.  No bullshit.  And no 80s cliches were spared, and no fucks were given.  As a result, No Retreat, No Surrender is a cringe-worthy diet of glossy ineptitude complete with a goofy soundtrack boasting hair metal power ballads that often serve as narration.  No, really, and it's horrible, my friends, just horrible.  There are editing mishaps, cliches, line deliveries that are embarrassing to behold, more cliches, and a few more cliches thrown in for good measure as ludicrous plot developments steer us toward a conclusion that is silly as hell.  No, sillier than that.  And, yes, it's also fun, partly because it's one of those good bad movies and it is brimming with unintentional humor, but also because you can't help but get caught up in this shit.  You will cheer at times, and you will feel like an absolute dumbass when you do.  Trust me.  No Retreat, No Surrender approaches cult status by virtue of calamity and aplomb.  Well, that and the undeniable fact that buried within the various mishaps and missteps, there are a couple of worthwhile performances, a few potent bits, and some quality choreography.  Bottom line: it's an entertaining clusterfuck.  You will enjoy it, but some of your brain cells will surely die while you're watching it.

Final Grade: C-

His acting may not be hitting on much in this early role,
but Van Damme shows incredible star power by way of his dazzling physical talents.  

Powerful Pages - The Predators by Mark Washburn and Robert Webb (from 1985)

Powerful Pages - The Predators by Mark Washburn and Robert Webb (from 1985)

The best book that you will ever read about a televised fight between a great white shark and a Kodiak bear is the worst fucking book that you will ever read.

Final Grade: I will not honor this shit with a grade.

Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Maybe this isn't exactly high praise, but The Sword and the Sorceror is one of the best Conan clones released in the early 80s.  Yes, most of those pictures are atrocious, but the point stands.  Lurid and pulpy, this Albert Pyun venture doesn't take itself seriously despite the presence of traditional genre themes like vengeance, conquest, and destiny.  It is easy to imagine Pyun calling "cut" after takes and imploring his cast to add more cheese to their deliveries.  No one plays it straight, and Richard Lynch and Lee Horsley engage in a supreme duel to see who can ham it up the most in the two most important roles.  Namely, the hero and the villain, and I'm pretty sure you can guess which one is which.  We've got melodramatic music cues, shameless T&A, and bursts of extreme gore.  And you can't bring this movie up without referencing the sword with three blades, which may rank as the greatest of the absurdities in play.  Oh, and this sword with three blades can fire those blades as projectiles--and the effects work that allows this to transpire is just as meh as what you're picturing in your head.  That's an exception to the rule, however, as most of the effects in the picture are rather convincing.  That's more than I can say for the fight choreography, which is rugged and inspired, but not all that deft.  You know the drill: lots of aggressive strikes that are all too easy to block coupled with frenzied snarls.  Work it , boys.  Yeah, it is that kind of show.  But you know what?  It's far from dull, and in fact, it's pretty damn fun from start to finish.  There are even moments where it is rather incredible.  Also, I mentioned the gore earlier--as a horror junkie, I'm going to double down here.  The gore is a nice touch.  Livens things up nicely.  So, if you're going to dial up something of this ilk that isn't Conan the Barbarian or The Beastmaster, The Sword and the Sorceror is your only hope.  Pop open a frosty, and you may just enjoy the hell out of this bloody romp that thrives on cliches and machismo.

Final Grade: C+

Good old Talon and the three-bladed sword.  Silly as hell, yes, and also pretty fucking gnarly.

Short Attention Span Review - Knives Out (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Knives Out (2019)

Knives Out is a fun picture, an entertaining mystery that defies as many traditions of that sub-genre as it honors.  It is both quirky and inventive, and like many great whodunits that came before, it embraces humor as much as red herrings and sinister motives.  The setting is appropriately affluential and ghoulish, and every character who falls under suspicion is a fiendish wonder.  The talent represents a phenomenal assortment of performers, and you can see just how much they enjoy embodying these delicious characters and contributing to the festivities.  At the center of all this impish mayhem is Daniel Craig, who may have contributed his best work to director Rian Johnson's devious winner.  Craig is sheer perfection as a sharp P.I. whose charm is as keen as his wit, a sly gentleman who relishes his work--the character seemingly falls somewhere between Columbo and Poirot.  The plot is razor-sharp, the cinematography is flawless, and the pace is leisurely when it should be and riveting when the big moments arrive.  Everything comes together nicely, and I just can't find anything to complain about where this bodacious film is concerned.  This isn't one of those masterpieces that change the face of the cinema or leave audiences transfixed, but it is a surefire exercise in entertainment that never misses the mark.  I can't end this review without alluding to Chris Evans, who gleefully sinks his fangs into the role of an arrogant jerk, while Don Johnson and Jamie Lee Curtis were a match made in heaven.  Again, Craig may be the star, and he is incredible, but everyone drills down and delivers the goods.  I could give shoutouts to all the stars assembled for this subversive indulgence and it would feel warranted.  Knives Out is a blast, dear readers, and anyone who doesn't enjoy this sensational motion picture clearly cannot be trusted where the cinema is concerned.

Final Grade: A+

Daniel Craig is a delight to behold in this off-kilter whodunit, but the said could be said of all the talent involved.

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

People who read this blog are looking at that poster and seeing the names Sybil Danning and Wings Hauser, and I'm sure the obvious question has reared its ugly head.  Is this another of those bad movies that this dude really likes?  Yes.  Yes, it is.  Look, here's the thing: I don't like most bad movies.  Hell, I despise camp for camp's sake.  But there are bad movies I enjoy, and an awful lot of them feature my main man Wings Hauser.  It's a simple formula, really: give the man time to shine, and he will make the movie worth watching.  Of all the bad movies that he has starred in (and there are many), there are only a few that fail to entertain.  Most of those are titles where his name is featured prominently, but his role is meager.  This isn't one of those movies.  Here, he's given ample time to ham it up, and he does so with shameless aplomb.  He plays a deranged painter/killer who carries on a one-way conversation with God throughout the movie, hoping to impress the big guy.  Often, he is hoping to impress him with the creativity or outright cruelty he displays in his numerous killings.  If you are familiar with Wings, you can see where pairing the actor with that part makes this a must-see action cheapie.  In the lead role, we have Sybil Danning, who says very little and kills lots of villains.  Honestly, as a youngster, I only saw her as eye candy, this despite the fact that she often mixed it up where gunfights, catfights, and even a swordfight or too are concerned.  However, to my knowledge, this is the only time she was picked to star in such a film, and I feel that she carried it off well.  I think I sold her short in my youth, and if she did anything else like this, I'm suddenly interested.  Now, as far as plot, craftsmanship, and any of the various technical merits are concerned, L.A. Bounty is serviceable.  That's about it.  Take Hauser out of the mix, and it would probably register as a dud, despite Danning's good showing.  Even with Wings sinking his teeth into such a gonzo part, L.A. Bounty falls well short of his better pictures, to include the handful of legitimately good movies that he made.  Still, while this ranks among the lesser of those good bad movies that he specialized in, I had a lot of fun with it.  I was drunk, but I imagine that most people who sit down to watch L.A. Bounty in 2020 will be similarly impaired.

Final Grade: C+

Wings Hauser, people.  I mean, if he gets enough screentime, the movie is worth watching.  Legendary.  Just legendary.

Short Attention Span Review - Nightmare Cinema (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Nightmare Cinema (2019)

I could cry.  I was so hyped for this one, peeps.  I love anthologies.  I love Mickey Rourke.  I would rate Joe Dante among the very best directors out there, and Mick Garris is no slouch.  And there are other talents involved with this production who have a solid reputation within the horror genre and beyond.  And things started with a bang--I really, really enjoyed the first entry from Alejandro Brugues, an energetic romp that carved the slasher flick into entertaing slivers.  This unruly delight seemingly set the stage for exactly what I hoped Nightmare Cinema would be.  Man, we were off and rolling.  Dante's tale came next, and it started well enough, and didn't fail from an execution standpoint, though the conclusion was both lackluster and oh so tired and forced.  The third entry courtesy of Ryuhei Kitamura was a fucking mess; it seemed to be aiming for the same territory that the legendary bad movie The Visitor occupied, but it made that seminal catastraphe from 1979 seem coherent.  Lame, amateurish, ill-conceived, poorly plotted, and totally pedestrian--I was ready to bail, but I had to see if things would pick up.  The fourth tale was at least shot well by David Slade, and it held my interest, but it didn't offer much in the way of substance.  I appreciated the darkness and the precision that fueled this one, but as with Dante's work herein, it ended in such a way that it felt like yet another missed opportunity.  This brought me to the last story, directed by Garris, and it was okay, I guess, though it brought nothing new to the table and didn't offer much at all in the way of impact.  It was so-so at best.  Finally, the wraparound material (also directed by Garris) featuring Mickey Rourke as The Projectionist was shoddy at best and laughable at worst.  Rourke didn't even appear for a couple of segments, and while there was an idea there that could work in this context, it just felt like a lazy attempt to tie things together.  Nightmare Cinema is a loser, my friends, and it pains me to say that.  It's a loser where both anthologies and horror movies in general are concerned.  The first segment is a lot of fun, but it is the only piece of this lousy pie that is worthwhile.  What a bummer.

Final Grade: D-

Do Mickey a favor.  Watch The Wrestler instead.  

Monster Jams: Tool - Fear Innoculum (released 8/30/2019)

Monster Jams:  Tool - Fear Innoculum (released 8/30/2019)

It's not easy to review an album like this, an experience that must be heard, but I will take a stab at it nonetheless.  Tool has always been a visionary act, an astounding collective fueled by imagination, artistry, and serious chops.  Thirteen years after their last release, they are back with Fear Innoculum, a deft masterpiece that proves to be well worth the wait--and undoubtedly houses hidden treasures that will emerge upon repeated listenings.  There is a depth to these songs that seems to dwarf most of what's out there, and there is a brazen thirst for exploration that remains as unified as it is bold.  The band embarks upon songs that feel like the sonic equivalent of epic journeys, and they do so with an ease that belies the innate grandeur of their musical dexterity.  The cuts here are fierce, haunting, playful, driving, ominous, absolutely beautiful, and, most importantly, fully immersive.  Despite running contrary to anything that the current landscape represents, these powerful contributions to the band's robust catalog are nothing if not accessible, this in spite of the scope and complexity on display.  Most tracks exceed ten minutes in length and cover a lot of territory, but there is a cohesion that never falters.  Expectations are repeatedly cast aside so that the music can explode in another direction or recede into a valley, where it may emerge as either a loving harmony or an aggressive attack.  This may sound rather exhausting, though it is truthfully anything but; there is no fatigue when dipping into this provocative pool, only excitement, and perhaps even joy.  I'm not sure exactly what I wanted from Fear Innoculum, but I know it will take some time to properly embrace what I got--and it's more than we deserved.

Final Grade: A+

Well. it took long enough, but Fear Innoculum is a delightful cabinet of curiosities for fans to cherish and explore.

Short Attention Span Review - Us (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Us (2019)

In the early stages, I found much to enjoy about Us.  Jordan Peele's direction is a powerful strength, and I found the characters interesting and the performanves engaging.  As Peele laid the foundation for this picture, I felt that I was venturing into masterpiece territory.  He did wonders with the atmosphere, and the premise really had me.  The score was a major attribute, and the cinematography was flawless.  Unfortunately, the movie never really took off, and the more it stuttered and stumbled, the greater my frustration became.  By the end, I just wasn't feeling Us at all, and despite a wicked little flourish right before the credits rolled, I have to chalk this one up as a loss.  I deeply wish that the pacing would have been diffeent; the picture is maybe ten to twenty minutes too long, and works best in the second half of the runtime when it is committed to carnage.  Unfortunately, it would pick up steam only to abandon that momentum, often at the expense of character logic.  There were a couple of scenes where people sat around and talked when they should have been running or fighting for their lives.  In a way, I felt that the movie reached a point where it should have descended into chaos by virtue of the premise, but the filmmakers preferred something akin to an intellectual high ground.  I also wish there had been a bit more mystery.  As Peele focused more and more on unraveling the sinister aspects of Us and building a mythology to support the premise, the film grew less potent and engaging.  By the time all the cards had been shown, I felt the movie had basically collapsed--and filmmakers are not required to show all of their cards.  To summarize, I really enjoyed the way Us began, and I do believe that a genuine showstopper could have been erected upon that foundation, but I can't say that I enjoyed Us as a whole.

Final Grade: D+

Creepy imagery abounds in Us, but a lethargic pace and an overwrought plot drag the proceedings down.

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

I should have known better.  I really should have.  But the cover was so pulpy and colorful, and the packaging seemed to promise a good time at the movies courtesy of a cheeky horror flick.  And so I journeyed to Forbidden World.  I did not enjoy my stay there.  Look, I enjoy some low-budget affairs (heck, I consider myself a John "Bud" Cardos fan), but this film looked cheap, sounded cheap, and felt cheap.  It was a ripoff, but that doesn't necessarily doom a film in my book.  It was also more of a softcore extravaganza than a horror film or a science fiction film.  And you know what?  June Chadwick is very easy on the eyes.  But is there any such thing as a good softcore movie?  And, so help me, watching poor June and her equally enticing co-star Dawn Dunlap throw themselves at star Jesse Vint (no offense, but dude is a far cry from anything resembling a stud-muffin) proved harder to digest than the hokey effects.  So, you know, I'm sure some of the people involved tried.  Maybe they tried really hard.  But that doesn't change the fact that Forbidden World is a tacky clone based on a flimsy script, featuring some bad acting (this doesn't include dear June Chadwick going wild for Jesse Vint, which was frankly Oscar-worthy stuff), cheap sets, lousy effects, and even recycled footage.  The only thing this movie has going for it would be those hot chicks throwing down with some slightly below-average Joe with a laser pistol, and a heavy dose of gore.  And I kinda liked the score.  For some, that may be enough, but I thought it was trash.  Anyone out there looking to score a copy of Forbidden World on Blu-Ray?

Final Grade: D-

Okay, June Chadwick is sensational to look at, no doubt it, but that's just not enough to make a trip to this Forbidden World worthwhile.

Short Attention Span Review - The Seven-Ups (1973)

Short Attention Span Review - The Seven-Ups (1973)

As a Jaws fanatic, it should come as no surprise that I'm a big fan of Roy Scheider, and the dude just positively killed it in the 70s.  Jaws is my favorite movie, Sorcerer is a scorcher, All That Jazz is sensational, and in addition to lead roles in those winners, Scheider co-starred in notable pictures like Marathon Man and The French Connection.  While The Seven-Ups isn't on par with those films, it is a capable thriller with a nifty plot and enough white-knuckle thrills to warrant a viewing.  Scheider is rock solid in the lead role, and this cops and robbers yarn moves at a brisk pace.  The biggest takeaway here, though, is a marvelous car chase.  I don't think I've ever seen this movie discussed when great car chases in cinema are debated, and it belongs in that conversation.  While it is a bit basic in many ways and doesn't approach greatness, The Seven-Ups is a solid venture that delivers a potent mix of thrills and intrigue.  Bonus points awarded for Richard Lynch's work as one of the primary villains and the ominous score from Don Ellis, whose efforts here would likely be more at home in a chiller.  I thought that dark score worked well here, ramping up the tension and underscoring the carnage.  In summary, while The Seven-Ups doesn't stack up to Roy's biggest features produced in the same decade, it is perfectly serviceable--it's a gritty thriller with a fine lead, enough suspense to keep the viewer invested, and one extra gnarly car chase.  Buckle up.

Final Grade: B+

I gave this one a B+ and not just a B because of that riveting car chase.

Short Attention Span Review - Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Short Attention Span Review - Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Dark as all get out, quirky at every turn, and punctuated by startling displays of violence, Dog Eat Dog is a comedy at heart.  And it's a sick comedy, and several key plot points are nothing short of revolting, but damn if it isn't funny.  Aside from dishing out disturbing chuckles, it also takes time to explore the nature of good and evil at the intersection of convenience if not need, and it asks whether or not a hardened con is more or less inclined (or even capable) of changing after spending time behind bars.  None of the answers this quixotic offering from Paul Schrader provides are all that hopeful, and many of the biggest questions aren't really answered at all.  This is a journey with an ultimate destination that is difficult to define, and there are several junctures where the line between reality and fantasy are blurred.  In truth, I think Schrader was more interested in showcasing his talent and provoking the audience than in arriving at anything resembling a conclusion, and this may be both the picture's greatest flaw and its biggest selling point.  Cage is on in a relatively tame performance, while Dafoe is at his best in a dizzying turn as a run of the mill fearsome lovable lunatic with bloody hands and a warm smile.  I can't tell you what it all means, but I can tell you that I laughed way more than I should have, and I was never bored by this wonky caper flick from a tinseltown legend who shows no signs of mellowing with age.

Final Grade: B

It can't be easy to out-crazy Nicolas Cage on set, but this guy got the job done.  In truth, the script decided this battle in his favor before filming ever started.

Short Attention Span Review - Dragged Across Concrete (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Dragged Across Concrete (2018)

Some might bill Dragged Across Concrete as a dark thriller, but I'm not so sure.  Yes, it is punctuated by shocking acts of violence, and yes it centers on some cops and robbers interplay of a sort that we often see portrayed on the big screen.  However, its more about the characters and their circumstances than their actions.  Dragged Across Concrete struck me as a hard-boiled drama, a stark departure from a garden variety police procedural or a guns blazing shoot 'em up.  More to the point, everything is painted in murky shades of gray, and the picture is bereft of any classical good guys.  The standard rules don't apply either, and this gives the picture a few jolts that most movies in the same vein are lacking.  This is a movie about desperate people making desperate choices and hoping to survive in the wake of these fateful decisions.  The pace is methodical; a stakeout is explored with incredible attention to detail, and though shots are fired and bodies are shredded, Dragged Across Concrete is always more concerned with what its characters are doing between these outbursts of carnage and death.  This is Craig S. Zahler's third film, and it's clearly his most deliberate effort to date.  It is both a throwback and a subversion of the genre, and it will excite many viewers for the very same reasons that it will bore others.  Zahler also pushes a lot of buttons, with a lot of social issues coming into play, though he doesn't seek to preach or provide answers as much as he allows his characters to offer up pointed questions while grappling with life as they know it.  Stars Mel Gibson and Vince Vaughn fully embrace the material, and they invest such gravity into their performances that both disappear into parts that don't cater to their usual strengths.  Gibson simmers where he usually boils over, while Vaughn is more subdued and inquisitive than showy or declarative.  Tory Kittles upstages everyone as the unofficial third lead, an equally complex ex-con with a fluid knack for survival that serves him better than brutality or strategy serve his counterparts.  From the onset, we like all of these players in spite of their flaws, which are many, just as we recognize that this is not a happy ending kind of show.  While the gritty drama steadily nears a gruesome conclusion, we are continually surprised by the all too familiar yet oh so foreign plot.  It's not quite a masterpiece, but Dragged Across Concrete is really fresh, really intricate, and thereby really damn good.

Final Grade: A-

Vaughn and Gibson make an excellent pair in this gritty drama masquerading as a thriller, a grim saga where nothing comes easy and no one is safe.

Short Attention Span Review - Triple Threat (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Triple Threat (2019)

First off, let me acknowledge that as an action film, Triple Threat probably fails more than it succeeds.  The plot is riddled with so many holes that it is fairly nonsensical, the dialogue is atrocious, and a few poignant scenes are so sorely out of place that they veer toward purely unintentional comedy.  And, it should be noted, that as a kung-fu flick, it doesn't even approach the level of greatness that a venture with this cast could attain.  However, anyone who gets their kicks from this sort of fare will find plenty to enjoy nonetheless, because even a bad rock 'em sock 'em movie with these cats winds up being mediocre.  We've got Tony Jaa, Tiger Chen, Scott Adkins, and two of my all-time favorites, Iko Uwais and Michael Jai White, in the mix, after all.  And while director Jesse V. Johnson fumbles where the exposition (and pretty much everything aside from the action bits) is concerned, he does capture some excellent martial arts mayhem.  Unfortunately, some of the clashes are a bit too brief, and a few of these Grade A combatants never get to engage one another.  Yet the fights we do get are compelling match-ups, and all of the players get to show their stuff to devastating effect.  In particular, I loved seeing Uwais and White square off, and Adkins and Jaa also have a fantastic battle.  Chen also shines, doing a fine job in his work with MMA vet Michael Bisping, who proves rather adept at cinematic fisticuffs.  In truth, I think Adkins may steal the show, with his amazing talents establishing him as a stellar villain.  Dude is so versatile and smooth, he makes dizzying acrobatics look easy, and he can play an arrogant badass with the very best of them.  In a lot of ways, Triple Threat reminded me of one of those 90s martial arts movies I used to enjoy, pictures with guys like Gary Daniels, Don Wilson, and Billy Blanks taking on all comers.  The movies themselves were quite pedestrian, but the fight scenes made them worthwhile.  Triple Threat is far better than most of those, but it doesn't leave them in the dust the way it should.  Regardless, if you're a fan of this sort of show, or an admirer of any of the people involved, this is one you can't pass up.

Final Grade: A very fun C

As a movie, Triple Threat is prone to misfires.  As a martial arts bonanza, it falls well short of its potential, but still emerges as a rollicking showcase for the extraordinary talent involved.

Short Attention Span Review: Venom (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Venom (2018)

Because Tom Hardy, that's why.  What else could it be?  Venom is not a great movie, oh no, far from it, but it is way better than it has any right to be.  Why?  Please revisit that first line, good people.  It simply has to be Tom.  Tom is invested.  The script is an exercise in contrived mediocrity.  Tom is quirky.  The direction is so bland it makes vanilla seem like the most daring of flavors.  Tom is funny.  This is a movie about Venom with no real ties to Spider-Man whatsoever.  Tom is exciting.  Both the special effects and the choreography for this film could accurately be described as run-of-the-mill for the industry at large--and may even rate as subpar if compared to most films repping the current superhero craze.  Tom is unpredictable.  Venom is a by-the-numbers comic book adaptation that has more in common with Catwoman or Spawn than anything Marvel has produced in the last decade.  Despite my love for Tom, when you do the math here, it should add up to a lousy review, right?  Wrong.  Because Tom Hardy, that's why.  Venom should rate as an insult to webheads like me, but Tom's gonzo performance makes it a curious success.  There are moments when he seems to be channeling vintage Jim Carrey, I shit you not, and while I can't say that I agree with all of the choices he makes in this role, it is his schtick that makes this rabble worthwhile.  I'll also give props to the sound design where the symbiote's voice is concerned, and the only thing the filmmakers do that matches Hardy's zeal: centering this tale on the relationship between a strange man and a much stranger creature.  And the fact that heads are bitten off is never a turnoff for yours truly.

Final Grade: C+

It's a love story, really.  A love story about a boy who meets a parasite.
Like when Kurt met Courtney, only this time the parasite is from another planet.

Short Attention Span Review: Paranoiac (1963)

Short Attention Span Review: Paranoiac (1963)

Typically, when we fright fans think about Hammer, we recall Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee duking it out in their classic takes on such notable horror staples as Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Mummy.  It is easy to forget that the studio also produced a number of remarkable features that run the gamut from eerie thrillers to subdued chillers.  Paranoiac is a 1963 picture directed by Freddie Francis, starring a young Oliver Reed at his unstable best.  Reed smirks, schemes, sweats, and twitches his way through this stunning black and white composition that stands somewhere between Psycho and a devilish whodunit.  The cinematography is crisp and compelling, the score is dark and somewhat insidious, and all of the characters aside from Janette Scott as Eleanor Ashby are harboring dark secrets that slowly come to light.  As the movie nears its dramatic conclusion, the shocks come fast and furious, and there are a few terrifying moments embedded in what is mostly a stark and calculating mystery.  Paranoiac is a fun film to revisit, and it remains suspenseful and ominous even in this modern era of dazzling effects and heightened immersion.  It is a throwback, yes, but it is a throwback to a time when there were no big scares courtesy of CGI delights, a time when filmmakers worked hard to terrify audiences with sinister plots and impeccable craftsmanship.  Such ventures often age well, and that is surely the case with this 1963 spookshow.

Final Grade: B+

Paranoiac is creepier than one might suspect--this mask design is pretty chilling for a 1963 thriller.

Short Attention Span Review: Blade of the Immortal (2017)

Short Attention Span Review: Blade of the Immortal (2017)

Part Logan and part director Takashi Miike's own incredible samurai epic 13 Assassins, Blade of the Immortal isn't as good as either of those films, but it is seriously cool.  Think about it: a stoic samurai warrior sworn to protect a young girl who pairs his incredible skills with a potent healing factor of his own--there's an idea.  It has promise, no doubt about it, and Miike delivers on that promise with one killer action scene after another.  And at a hundred and forty minutes, Takuya Kimura and Hana Sugisaka are given more than enough material to flesh out their characters and draw us into their story.  The effects are stellar, the villains are memorable, and the tale is complex.  Despite the lengthy runtime, Blade of the Immortal never drags, and I do believe that there is a throwdown of some significance gracing the screen roughly every five minutes or so.  The lead baddie is Sota Fukushi as Anotsu, and he enters the movie as the very epitome of a despicable antagonist, yet as the story unfolds he emerges as perhaps the most dynamic and conflicted player in the gruesome proceedings.  Dripping with gore, host to an abundance of wicked duels and at least one massive battle, and populated by groovy characters who hold our interest even when they aren't drawing blood, Blade of the Immortal is quite simply ill as hell.  Now, it is not without faults, as there are a number of choppy transitions that lead one to believe that despite running two hours and twenty minutes, significant pieces of the tale must have been lost to the cutting room floor.  These abrupt shifts are more than a tad disconcerting, and rob the film of some majesty, but it is still a fine motion picture made by talented filmmakers, and it will be fun to revisit whenever I have a jones for some dynamic carnage.

Final Grade: B+

As much as I respect and enjoy Takashi Miike's work, this stylish action yarn's biggest strength is Takuya Kimura in the lead role.

Short Attention Span Review: The People Under the Stairs (1991)

Short Attention Span Review: The People Under the Stairs (1991)

Wes Craven was one of the biggest voices in horror for those of us fortunate enough to be fright fans in the 80s and 90s, and he kept on trucking until his demise in 2015.  The People Under the Stairs is his ode to that creepy house in the neighborhood that everyone speaks of in hushed tones, and it is one of his most energetic and offbeat pictures.  There are so many strange things happening in this particular house of horrors that the ghastly people under the stairs for whom the tale is named are merely bit players in a gleefully gory chiller.  It takes about ten minutes for Craven to establish the scenario and the next ninety minutes are devoted to some of the most outlandish and grisly carnage he ever captured on film.  While the supernatural elements that graced most of his spooky movies are absent from this shocker, it is no less frightening and perverse, and may even be a bit freakier than his typical fare.  This is largely due to our main heavies, a devious pair of sinister outcasts played to the hilt by Everett McGill and Wendy Robie.  Initially this demented couple register as more than a little quirky, but as the story progresses they go from kooky to sinister, and in the third act they graduate to vile, vicious, and unmistakably evil.  They do so with guns blazing, but neither performer crosses the thin line into parody, and they are the chief architects of this film's unique legacy.  However, young star Brandon Quintin Adams is also a great find, and both A.J. Langer and Sean Whalen aid him into providing the protagonists of this frightfest with a lot of heart, innocence, and courage.  These heroic adolescents are a far cry from the horny teenagers who so often occupied those roles in horror flicks from this era, and that is another big victory for The People Under the Stairs.  Maybe it runs just a bit too long, and maybe the ending goes off the rails a little here and there, but there can be no doubt that this is a wild ride from one of the genre's brightest minds.  Any horror fan should enjoy a trip to this house where strange terrors lurk behind every corner, but do leave your expectations at the door.  Craven surely broke new ground when he crafted this bloodthirsty oddity with a heart of gold.

Final Grade: B

As it turns out, the titular people under the stairs aren't the biggest threats in Wes Craven's subversive house of horrors.

Short Attention Span Review: Forced Vengeance (1982)

Short Attention Span Review: Forced Vengeance (1982)

Forced Vengeance is a typical American kung-fu flick for its era, and as such, it is both amateurish in many ways and entertaining enough to warrant a viewing.  The chief asset here is Chuck Norris, of course, and he plays a surprisingly hard-edged character.  Also atypical for his work is the sex and extreme violence depicted herein, to include some gore to go along with all of the star's blazing kicks.  I think this works in the film's favor, as the role of a casino enforcer wouldn't have worked with one of the actor's trademark "really nice guy who can kick a lot of ass" performances.  Unfortunately, it is a bit mean-spirited and (even worse) decidedly misogynistic.  That certainly takes a lot of the pleasure out of an action flick that never aspires to be anything more than a guilty pleasure.  Bummer, dude.  Oh, and lest I forget, the narration (courtesy of Chuck) is both totally unnecessary and 100% lifeless.  It's like he's reading this shit for the first time, and the content consists of needless exposition (this is not a difficult film to follow) and woeful attempts at some poor writer's idea of kung fu noir.  Take this nugget that serves to wrap things up:  "Hong Kong.  A borrowed place that lives on borrowed time.  The British run it now.  But in seventeen years, the lease runs out.  And the People's Republic is the landlord.  But this is a city of survivors.  And whatever happens, Hong King will always be the place."  Cue credits.  Seriously.  On the plus side, the choreography is above average (maybe second only to The Octagon* where Chuck's filmography is concerned), and Norris squares off against some decent opposition along the way.  Michael Cavanaugh's Stan Raimondi is a surprisingly difficult foe to dispatch, and he's one of many villains who put up a decent fight.  There are also some nifty touches from director James Fargo, with one battle displayed as a vibrant war of silhouettes that shows more artistry than one would expect from such a picture.  All in all, this is a bit of mindless fun that would rank much higher and serve up a better viewing experience with a little more respect for the ladies and an absence of clumsy narration.  Even with those considerable blemishes to take into account, Forced Vengeance is one of Chuck's better movies.  It's not Top 5 material, but do keep in mind that while I love Chuck and I enjoy his work, he didn't make a lot of good movies.

*I've said this before, and I'll say it again: the closing reel wherein Chuck Norris tackles the ninja compound at the center of The Octagon is his best work as a leading man*, and that setpiece is kung fu flick royalty.  Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is a real drag, and despite those awesome fireworks by way of fisticuffs, the picture as a whole is a stinker.

**His work as Bruce Lee's nemesis in Return of the Dragon is his greatest accomplishment in the movies, and his climactic showdown with Bruce therein is one of the best duels ever in the history of martial arts cinema.

Final Grade: C+

See that guy with the rifle?
1) He is obviously one hell of a sentry.
2) He is about to get the shit beat out of him.

Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)

Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)

I watched a rather unique film this weekend, and I'm pretty sure that it was an American classic.  I had never heard of it before happening upon it by chance, and I'm not sure what drew me to it in the first place.  Maybe it was that groovy title, Electra Glide in Blue.  From the onset, two things were readily apparent: the craftmanship was sublime, and the subject matter was deep and open to interpretation.  A captivating character study and a meditation on so many different things, to include ideals as opposed to reality, isolation, civic duty, machismo, and even the merits of peace in a violent world, ten different viewers would likely draw ten different conclusions from the picture.  The cinematography was nothing short of superb, and while I greatly enjoyed the cast (in particular, star Robert Blake fully committed to the lead role and offered up a bravura performance as a result), the way the shots were framed and the powerful combination of riveting close-ups and compelling wide shots may have been the picture's greatest strengths.  It was impossible to look away no matter how bleak the movie became, though there were flourishes of humor and excitement sprinkled throughout.  The ending served as the perfect punctuation for a quizzical and startling film that worked for me on a great many levels.  As with any movie of this ilk, I do think it would prove divisive for most.  While I found it incredibly satisfying and worthy of repeated viewings, many would likely view it as too broad and ambiguous--or take offense at some of the conclusions they draw from it.  Of course, I tend to think that a film that can provoke such reactions is often a rich find, and I am certainly glad that I took a little ride with Electra Glide in Blue.

Final Grade: A

Electra Glide in Blue deserves another look, and the juxtaposition of civility and brutality is as relevant now as ever.

 

Short Attention Span Review: Hereditary (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Hereditary (2018)

WARNING:  Spoiler Alert (I don't normally do spoilers in my reviews, but I'm trying to spare you)

Man, the hype for this one had me salivating.  I avoided all marketing materials and reviews as I wanted to go into Hereditary with no idea of just what to expect.  Still, I had heard so much praise that I couldn't help but be all kinds of excited when I finally set down in the theater to scope out a new horror movie that was supposed to scare me senseless.  Well, homies, let me cut right to the chase: when it comes to Hereditary, the hype train derailed.  I don't understand.  I wanted something in the vein of It Follows, The Babadook, The Witch, or even The Ritual via Netflix, as I do believe we are currently enjoying a nice period for well-crafted and deeply unsettling horror films.  I got a shitshow instead.  Look, in fairness, this has to be a case of quality ingredients joining together as part of a terrible recipe.  If you were to prepare a list of ten things a horror film needs to be special, I would say that this picture has seven or eight of those things, and yet the end result is garbage.  This motion picture boasts a magnificent score, impeccable performances, great sets, an unmistakable sense of dread, and there is a tale at the heart of the movie that could yield something both unspeakable and exquisite.  However, a feeble script, an uneven pace, some incredibly stupid characters* and some severe logic gaps in the plot turn the whole thing into a vapid mess.  Hey, why the fuck did Gabriel Byrne hang around for this nonsense?  Better yet, why did he burst into flames in the last reel?  Anyone?  I've got nothing.  And then there's the ending.  Boy, oh boy.  Talk about shitting the bed.  There was a moment when I thought the picture might redeem itself somewhat by sticking the landing.  This produced some severe tension in the audience, but then a series of miscues transformed what may have initially been nervous giggles into full-on laughter.  The packed house I saw this with was quite literally roaring with laughter as the clumsy conclusion went big in pursuit of genuine terror and produced a Monty Python-esque study of possession.

*Example: I shit you not, the main character is given a candle and a parchment containing a spell written in a strange language that she cannot comprehend, and she is instructed to go home, light the candle, and read said parchment.  Despite the fact that this batshit crazy advice is coming from a character who is clearly batshit crazy, our protagonist is all in without a second thought.


Final Grade: Shit Sandwich

Here, Toni Collette, who is a brilliant actess, offers up a startling rendition of my feelings on spending ten bucks and two hours of my life with Hereditary.