Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Even the best martial arts movies are a bit goofy, that's the nature of the beast.  If you're going to depict people settling their disputes with a series of colorful showdowns where kung-fu chops and flying kicks decide the battle, you're clearly veering merrily toward the absurd.  Still, most examples of this genre I cherish so much try to operate with something that resembles a poker face.  No Retreat, No Surrender has no shame, good people, no shame whatsoever.  These filmmakers just pile it on.  It's kinda like The Karate Kid, except the villain is basically Ivan Drago as played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.  And instead of Mr. Miyagi, our hero takes lessons from the ghost of Bruce Lee.  No bullshit.  And no 80s cliches were spared, and no fucks were given.  As a result, No Retreat, No Surrender is a cringe-worthy diet of glossy ineptitude complete with a goofy soundtrack boasting hair metal power ballads that often serve as narration.  No, really, and it's horrible, my friends, just horrible.  There are editing mishaps, cliches, line deliveries that are embarrassing to behold, more cliches, and a few more cliches thrown in for good measure as ludicrous plot developments steer us toward a conclusion that is silly as hell.  No, sillier than that.  And, yes, it's also fun, partly because it's one of those good bad movies and it is brimming with unintentional humor, but also because you can't help but get caught up in this shit.  You will cheer at times, and you will feel like an absolute dumbass when you do.  Trust me.  No Retreat, No Surrender approaches cult status by virtue of calamity and aplomb.  Well, that and the undeniable fact that buried within the various mishaps and missteps, there are a couple of worthwhile performances, a few potent bits, and some quality choreography.  Bottom line: it's an entertaining clusterfuck.  You will enjoy it, but some of your brain cells will surely die while you're watching it.

Final Grade: C-

His acting may not be hitting on much in this early role,
but Van Damme shows incredible star power by way of his dazzling physical talents.  

Powerful Pages - The Predators by Mark Washburn and Robert Webb (from 1985)

Powerful Pages - The Predators by Mark Washburn and Robert Webb (from 1985)

The best book that you will ever read about a televised fight between a great white shark and a Kodiak bear is the worst fucking book that you will ever read.

Final Grade: I will not honor this shit with a grade.

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

People who read this blog are looking at that poster and seeing the names Sybil Danning and Wings Hauser, and I'm sure the obvious question has reared its ugly head.  Is this another of those bad movies that this dude really likes?  Yes.  Yes, it is.  Look, here's the thing: I don't like most bad movies.  Hell, I despise camp for camp's sake.  But there are bad movies I enjoy, and an awful lot of them feature my main man Wings Hauser.  It's a simple formula, really: give the man time to shine, and he will make the movie worth watching.  Of all the bad movies that he has starred in (and there are many), there are only a few that fail to entertain.  Most of those are titles where his name is featured prominently, but his role is meager.  This isn't one of those movies.  Here, he's given ample time to ham it up, and he does so with shameless aplomb.  He plays a deranged painter/killer who carries on a one-way conversation with God throughout the movie, hoping to impress the big guy.  Often, he is hoping to impress him with the creativity or outright cruelty he displays in his numerous killings.  If you are familiar with Wings, you can see where pairing the actor with that part makes this a must-see action cheapie.  In the lead role, we have Sybil Danning, who says very little and kills lots of villains.  Honestly, as a youngster, I only saw her as eye candy, this despite the fact that she often mixed it up where gunfights, catfights, and even a swordfight or too are concerned.  However, to my knowledge, this is the only time she was picked to star in such a film, and I feel that she carried it off well.  I think I sold her short in my youth, and if she did anything else like this, I'm suddenly interested.  Now, as far as plot, craftsmanship, and any of the various technical merits are concerned, L.A. Bounty is serviceable.  That's about it.  Take Hauser out of the mix, and it would probably register as a dud, despite Danning's good showing.  Even with Wings sinking his teeth into such a gonzo part, L.A. Bounty falls well short of his better pictures, to include the handful of legitimately good movies that he made.  Still, while this ranks among the lesser of those good bad movies that he specialized in, I had a lot of fun with it.  I was drunk, but I imagine that most people who sit down to watch L.A. Bounty in 2020 will be similarly impaired.

Final Grade: C+

Wings Hauser, people.  I mean, if he gets enough screentime, the movie is worth watching.  Legendary.  Just legendary.

Short Attention Span Review - Black Rain (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - Black Rain (1989)

Black Rain is a real mixed bag.  It has so much going for it, but it is also littered with glaring flaws.  The visuals are a treat, with director Ridley Scott making the most of every environment the film inhabits.  He also delivers some riveting action setpieces, and star Michael Douglas shines in one of his grittiest and most physical roles.  I liked that the movie wasn't shy about venturing into some grey areas, with our dogged hero admitting to being on the take in one of Black Rain's most powerful scenes.  I really dig Yusaku Matsuda in the the last part he would ever play (unbeknownst to Scott, Matsuda was in the latter stages of a battle with cancer, and would perish weeks after the film premiered) as the villainous Sato.  He really delivered in a huge way, snarling and sneering without overplaying his hand.  He doesn't steal scenes with his bravado, but ratchets up the excitement with every appearance.  That's a lot to enjoy, and I almost forgot to mention Andy Garcia having way too much fun as the clearly doomed sidekick with a big heart and a great smile.  The producers must have realized just how obvious his ultimate fate was--they featured his decapitation in the theatrical trailer. So what went wrong?  First off, the song (no, I'm not going to bother looking it up--better that it go unnamed herein) that plays over the opening and closing credits is an unforgivable offense.  Secondly, the script drops the ball repeatedly where logic is concerned.  I mean, there are maybe a dozen total fails on this front.  This happens so often that our hero begins to seem like a very intense and equally conflicted buffoon.  Dude would have lasted about ten minutes in Japan.  He basically veers from one situation to another that should have led to either the loss of his job or his life.  It would be safe to consider him rather fortunate, for while he emerges unscathed, his behavior does result in his Japanese cohort losing his job and his American partner losing his life.  Those are the breaks when you sign up to be a sidekick.  Thankfully, the former does salvage his career, and in the end, he and Douglas find honor and even receive medals for an unsanctioned sting operation that results in a catastrophic loss of property and life.  Yeah, Black Rain has its good points, but it is pretty damn dumb.

Final Grade: C

Douglas proves more than capable in the role of a rugged action hero.  Having said that,  a problematic script  nearly steals his thunder.

Short Attention Span Review - Nightmare Cinema (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Nightmare Cinema (2019)

I could cry.  I was so hyped for this one, peeps.  I love anthologies.  I love Mickey Rourke.  I would rate Joe Dante among the very best directors out there, and Mick Garris is no slouch.  And there are other talents involved with this production who have a solid reputation within the horror genre and beyond.  And things started with a bang--I really, really enjoyed the first entry from Alejandro Brugues, an energetic romp that carved the slasher flick into entertaing slivers.  This unruly delight seemingly set the stage for exactly what I hoped Nightmare Cinema would be.  Man, we were off and rolling.  Dante's tale came next, and it started well enough, and didn't fail from an execution standpoint, though the conclusion was both lackluster and oh so tired and forced.  The third entry courtesy of Ryuhei Kitamura was a fucking mess; it seemed to be aiming for the same territory that the legendary bad movie The Visitor occupied, but it made that seminal catastraphe from 1979 seem coherent.  Lame, amateurish, ill-conceived, poorly plotted, and totally pedestrian--I was ready to bail, but I had to see if things would pick up.  The fourth tale was at least shot well by David Slade, and it held my interest, but it didn't offer much in the way of substance.  I appreciated the darkness and the precision that fueled this one, but as with Dante's work herein, it ended in such a way that it felt like yet another missed opportunity.  This brought me to the last story, directed by Garris, and it was okay, I guess, though it brought nothing new to the table and didn't offer much at all in the way of impact.  It was so-so at best.  Finally, the wraparound material (also directed by Garris) featuring Mickey Rourke as The Projectionist was shoddy at best and laughable at worst.  Rourke didn't even appear for a couple of segments, and while there was an idea there that could work in this context, it just felt like a lazy attempt to tie things together.  Nightmare Cinema is a loser, my friends, and it pains me to say that.  It's a loser where both anthologies and horror movies in general are concerned.  The first segment is a lot of fun, but it is the only piece of this lousy pie that is worthwhile.  What a bummer.

Final Grade: D-

Do Mickey a favor.  Watch The Wrestler instead.  

Short Attention Span Review - Alita: Battle Angel (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Alita: Battle Angel (2019)

Alita: Battle Angel is a quirky thrill ride, an energetic B movie with A-List special effects and delusions of grandeur.  When it focuses on those amazing effects or the equally dope action bits, it delivers the goods in a big way.  When it plays up the intrigue and the suspense of the premise, it fares almost as well.  However, for the most part, attempts to tug at our heartstrings either fall flat or prove outright cringeworthy.  It also suffers a bit because it is clearly intended to kickstart a franchise that appears unlikely to develop--and as such, it feels incomplete.  Oh, but those effects are something to behold, and Robert Rodriguez really slays it with each and every action sequence.  Every fight is an event, and there are some wild ideas in play where weapons and choreography are concerned.  The creativity is off the charts, and in terms of spectacle, Alita: Battle Angel is a film that goes big often, and comes up aces every time.  And to be fair, the actors show up to play, with Christolph Waltz and Jennifer Connelly bringing considerable gravity to the movie, while Mahershala Ali is more than competent in a part that really isn't worthy of his presence.  Star Rosa Salazar is pretty much perfect in a lead role that demands an awful lot, and there is a solid supporting cast to round things out.  It's all put together remarkably well; the emotional hiccups largely stem from a script that aims to cover too much ground and yet isn't allowed to come full circle as a matter of structure.  It's this combinition of feeling rushed at times and ultimately unfinished that handicaps the experience.  Still, for most of its runtime, Alita: Battle Angel is a delightful display of startling imagination and audacious carnage.

Final Grade: B

Alita: Battle Angel is a rip-roaring B movie that aims to do more, resulting in a rip-roaring  B movie with a few emotional hang-ups.

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

I should have known better.  I really should have.  But the cover was so pulpy and colorful, and the packaging seemed to promise a good time at the movies courtesy of a cheeky horror flick.  And so I journeyed to Forbidden World.  I did not enjoy my stay there.  Look, I enjoy some low-budget affairs (heck, I consider myself a John "Bud" Cardos fan), but this film looked cheap, sounded cheap, and felt cheap.  It was a ripoff, but that doesn't necessarily doom a film in my book.  It was also more of a softcore extravaganza than a horror film or a science fiction film.  And you know what?  June Chadwick is very easy on the eyes.  But is there any such thing as a good softcore movie?  And, so help me, watching poor June and her equally enticing co-star Dawn Dunlap throw themselves at star Jesse Vint (no offense, but dude is a far cry from anything resembling a stud-muffin) proved harder to digest than the hokey effects.  So, you know, I'm sure some of the people involved tried.  Maybe they tried really hard.  But that doesn't change the fact that Forbidden World is a tacky clone based on a flimsy script, featuring some bad acting (this doesn't include dear June Chadwick going wild for Jesse Vint, which was frankly Oscar-worthy stuff), cheap sets, lousy effects, and even recycled footage.  The only thing this movie has going for it would be those hot chicks throwing down with some slightly below-average Joe with a laser pistol, and a heavy dose of gore.  And I kinda liked the score.  For some, that may be enough, but I thought it was trash.  Anyone out there looking to score a copy of Forbidden World on Blu-Ray?

Final Grade: D-

Okay, June Chadwick is sensational to look at, no doubt it, but that's just not enough to make a trip to this Forbidden World worthwhile.

Short Attention Span Review - The Seven-Ups (1973)

Short Attention Span Review - The Seven-Ups (1973)

As a Jaws fanatic, it should come as no surprise that I'm a big fan of Roy Scheider, and the dude just positively killed it in the 70s.  Jaws is my favorite movie, Sorcerer is a scorcher, All That Jazz is sensational, and in addition to lead roles in those winners, Scheider co-starred in notable pictures like Marathon Man and The French Connection.  While The Seven-Ups isn't on par with those films, it is a capable thriller with a nifty plot and enough white-knuckle thrills to warrant a viewing.  Scheider is rock solid in the lead role, and this cops and robbers yarn moves at a brisk pace.  The biggest takeaway here, though, is a marvelous car chase.  I don't think I've ever seen this movie discussed when great car chases in cinema are debated, and it belongs in that conversation.  While it is a bit basic in many ways and doesn't approach greatness, The Seven-Ups is a solid venture that delivers a potent mix of thrills and intrigue.  Bonus points awarded for Richard Lynch's work as one of the primary villains and the ominous score from Don Ellis, whose efforts here would likely be more at home in a chiller.  I thought that dark score worked well here, ramping up the tension and underscoring the carnage.  In summary, while The Seven-Ups doesn't stack up to Roy's biggest features produced in the same decade, it is perfectly serviceable--it's a gritty thriller with a fine lead, enough suspense to keep the viewer invested, and one extra gnarly car chase.  Buckle up.

Final Grade: B+

I gave this one a B+ and not just a B because of that riveting car chase.

Short Attention Span Review - Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Short Attention Span Review - Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Dark as all get out, quirky at every turn, and punctuated by startling displays of violence, Dog Eat Dog is a comedy at heart.  And it's a sick comedy, and several key plot points are nothing short of revolting, but damn if it isn't funny.  Aside from dishing out disturbing chuckles, it also takes time to explore the nature of good and evil at the intersection of convenience if not need, and it asks whether or not a hardened con is more or less inclined (or even capable) of changing after spending time behind bars.  None of the answers this quixotic offering from Paul Schrader provides are all that hopeful, and many of the biggest questions aren't really answered at all.  This is a journey with an ultimate destination that is difficult to define, and there are several junctures where the line between reality and fantasy are blurred.  In truth, I think Schrader was more interested in showcasing his talent and provoking the audience than in arriving at anything resembling a conclusion, and this may be both the picture's greatest flaw and its biggest selling point.  Cage is on in a relatively tame performance, while Dafoe is at his best in a dizzying turn as a run of the mill fearsome lovable lunatic with bloody hands and a warm smile.  I can't tell you what it all means, but I can tell you that I laughed way more than I should have, and I was never bored by this wonky caper flick from a tinseltown legend who shows no signs of mellowing with age.

Final Grade: B

It can't be easy to out-crazy Nicolas Cage on set, but this guy got the job done.  In truth, the script decided this battle in his favor before filming ever started.

Short Attention Span Review - White of the Eye (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - White of the Eye (1987)

This little-known thriller from the late 80s is often described as an American stab at the beloved Giallo sub-genre that put so many Italian directors on the map.  I can see some similarities, so I understand that sentiment, but I find it to be something different, a curious opus that pays homage to many things but ultimately stands on its own.  The direction from Donald Cammell represents a stellar vision that is stark, inviting, subversive, and wildly grim.  This picture has a thing for vivid colors and gruesome subject matter, and it is rooted in the queasy realms of power and domination masquerading as purpose, painting an intimate portrait of a madman.  In fact, the lines between the killer we fear and the leading man we are drawn to are blurred, and even those with the closest ties to the murders contained within this pulsing chiller can't decide whether they love or hate the twisted soul who finds purpose in dismemberment.  The score by Nick Mason is a big winner, and the performances are on point.  David Keith is perfect, and Cathy Moriarty matches him stride for stride, while Art Evans and Alan Rosenberg take smaller roles and turn them into major assets.  Few thrillers operate with this much charisma while probing such depths, and the end result is a bit of a mystery.  While the events portrayed are far from ambiguous, the viewer's reaction may be defined by a sense of puzzlement.  When all is revealed, it is difficult to determine just how we should feel about everyone involved, and that is why I cherish White of the Eye.  It is provocative, it is exciting, and it asks a lot of tough questions that it answers by dishing out a lot of tough answers.  Evil can be quite seductive.  Evil may even be rather charming at times.  And those who go toe to toe with evil may taint themselves in the process.  Most don't view this type of fare for such meditation on the darker aspects of humanity, but those who do may find this true one of a kind to be immensely satisfying in its thirst for perversion and identity.

Final Grade: A

Like the best Italian thrillers, this American production is a quirky thriller that oozes style and vibrancy.

Short Attention Span Review - Triple Threat (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Triple Threat (2019)

First off, let me acknowledge that as an action film, Triple Threat probably fails more than it succeeds.  The plot is riddled with so many holes that it is fairly nonsensical, the dialogue is atrocious, and a few poignant scenes are so sorely out of place that they veer toward purely unintentional comedy.  And, it should be noted, that as a kung-fu flick, it doesn't even approach the level of greatness that a venture with this cast could attain.  However, anyone who gets their kicks from this sort of fare will find plenty to enjoy nonetheless, because even a bad rock 'em sock 'em movie with these cats winds up being mediocre.  We've got Tony Jaa, Tiger Chen, Scott Adkins, and two of my all-time favorites, Iko Uwais and Michael Jai White, in the mix, after all.  And while director Jesse V. Johnson fumbles where the exposition (and pretty much everything aside from the action bits) is concerned, he does capture some excellent martial arts mayhem.  Unfortunately, some of the clashes are a bit too brief, and a few of these Grade A combatants never get to engage one another.  Yet the fights we do get are compelling match-ups, and all of the players get to show their stuff to devastating effect.  In particular, I loved seeing Uwais and White square off, and Adkins and Jaa also have a fantastic battle.  Chen also shines, doing a fine job in his work with MMA vet Michael Bisping, who proves rather adept at cinematic fisticuffs.  In truth, I think Adkins may steal the show, with his amazing talents establishing him as a stellar villain.  Dude is so versatile and smooth, he makes dizzying acrobatics look easy, and he can play an arrogant badass with the very best of them.  In a lot of ways, Triple Threat reminded me of one of those 90s martial arts movies I used to enjoy, pictures with guys like Gary Daniels, Don Wilson, and Billy Blanks taking on all comers.  The movies themselves were quite pedestrian, but the fight scenes made them worthwhile.  Triple Threat is far better than most of those, but it doesn't leave them in the dust the way it should.  Regardless, if you're a fan of this sort of show, or an admirer of any of the people involved, this is one you can't pass up.

Final Grade: A very fun C

As a movie, Triple Threat is prone to misfires.  As a martial arts bonanza, it falls well short of its potential, but still emerges as a rollicking showcase for the extraordinary talent involved.

Short Attention Span Review: Venom (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Venom (2018)

Because Tom Hardy, that's why.  What else could it be?  Venom is not a great movie, oh no, far from it, but it is way better than it has any right to be.  Why?  Please revisit that first line, good people.  It simply has to be Tom.  Tom is invested.  The script is an exercise in contrived mediocrity.  Tom is quirky.  The direction is so bland it makes vanilla seem like the most daring of flavors.  Tom is funny.  This is a movie about Venom with no real ties to Spider-Man whatsoever.  Tom is exciting.  Both the special effects and the choreography for this film could accurately be described as run-of-the-mill for the industry at large--and may even rate as subpar if compared to most films repping the current superhero craze.  Tom is unpredictable.  Venom is a by-the-numbers comic book adaptation that has more in common with Catwoman or Spawn than anything Marvel has produced in the last decade.  Despite my love for Tom, when you do the math here, it should add up to a lousy review, right?  Wrong.  Because Tom Hardy, that's why.  Venom should rate as an insult to webheads like me, but Tom's gonzo performance makes it a curious success.  There are moments when he seems to be channeling vintage Jim Carrey, I shit you not, and while I can't say that I agree with all of the choices he makes in this role, it is his schtick that makes this rabble worthwhile.  I'll also give props to the sound design where the symbiote's voice is concerned, and the only thing the filmmakers do that matches Hardy's zeal: centering this tale on the relationship between a strange man and a much stranger creature.  And the fact that heads are bitten off is never a turnoff for yours truly.

Final Grade: C+

It's a love story, really.  A love story about a boy who meets a parasite.
Like when Kurt met Courtney, only this time the parasite is from another planet.

Short Attention Span Review: Paranoiac (1963)

Short Attention Span Review: Paranoiac (1963)

Typically, when we fright fans think about Hammer, we recall Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee duking it out in their classic takes on such notable horror staples as Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Mummy.  It is easy to forget that the studio also produced a number of remarkable features that run the gamut from eerie thrillers to subdued chillers.  Paranoiac is a 1963 picture directed by Freddie Francis, starring a young Oliver Reed at his unstable best.  Reed smirks, schemes, sweats, and twitches his way through this stunning black and white composition that stands somewhere between Psycho and a devilish whodunit.  The cinematography is crisp and compelling, the score is dark and somewhat insidious, and all of the characters aside from Janette Scott as Eleanor Ashby are harboring dark secrets that slowly come to light.  As the movie nears its dramatic conclusion, the shocks come fast and furious, and there are a few terrifying moments embedded in what is mostly a stark and calculating mystery.  Paranoiac is a fun film to revisit, and it remains suspenseful and ominous even in this modern era of dazzling effects and heightened immersion.  It is a throwback, yes, but it is a throwback to a time when there were no big scares courtesy of CGI delights, a time when filmmakers worked hard to terrify audiences with sinister plots and impeccable craftsmanship.  Such ventures often age well, and that is surely the case with this 1963 spookshow.

Final Grade: B+

Paranoiac is creepier than one might suspect--this mask design is pretty chilling for a 1963 thriller.

Short Attention Span Review: The People Under the Stairs (1991)

Short Attention Span Review: The People Under the Stairs (1991)

Wes Craven was one of the biggest voices in horror for those of us fortunate enough to be fright fans in the 80s and 90s, and he kept on trucking until his demise in 2015.  The People Under the Stairs is his ode to that creepy house in the neighborhood that everyone speaks of in hushed tones, and it is one of his most energetic and offbeat pictures.  There are so many strange things happening in this particular house of horrors that the ghastly people under the stairs for whom the tale is named are merely bit players in a gleefully gory chiller.  It takes about ten minutes for Craven to establish the scenario and the next ninety minutes are devoted to some of the most outlandish and grisly carnage he ever captured on film.  While the supernatural elements that graced most of his spooky movies are absent from this shocker, it is no less frightening and perverse, and may even be a bit freakier than his typical fare.  This is largely due to our main heavies, a devious pair of sinister outcasts played to the hilt by Everett McGill and Wendy Robie.  Initially this demented couple register as more than a little quirky, but as the story progresses they go from kooky to sinister, and in the third act they graduate to vile, vicious, and unmistakably evil.  They do so with guns blazing, but neither performer crosses the thin line into parody, and they are the chief architects of this film's unique legacy.  However, young star Brandon Quintin Adams is also a great find, and both A.J. Langer and Sean Whalen aid him into providing the protagonists of this frightfest with a lot of heart, innocence, and courage.  These heroic adolescents are a far cry from the horny teenagers who so often occupied those roles in horror flicks from this era, and that is another big victory for The People Under the Stairs.  Maybe it runs just a bit too long, and maybe the ending goes off the rails a little here and there, but there can be no doubt that this is a wild ride from one of the genre's brightest minds.  Any horror fan should enjoy a trip to this house where strange terrors lurk behind every corner, but do leave your expectations at the door.  Craven surely broke new ground when he crafted this bloodthirsty oddity with a heart of gold.

Final Grade: B

As it turns out, the titular people under the stairs aren't the biggest threats in Wes Craven's subversive house of horrors.

Short Attention Span Review - Annabelle: Creation (2017)

Short Attention Span Review - Annabelle: Creation (2017)

How rare is this?  A prequel to a spinoff emerges as a superior film?  No shit?  No shit, peeps.  I liked Annabelle, though it was far from a revelation.  I expected a similar approach this outing for the creepiest doll since Chucky, but Annabelle: Creation aimed higher.  Quite a bit higher, in fact.    It felt a lot more like The Conjuring in terms of scope and impact.  Expertly crafted, thoroughly unnerving, and jam-packed with big scares, I'm ready to classify this as one of the better horror films I have partaken of in recent memory.  From the somber opening, the dread is palpable, and this is one of those fright flicks that only gets harder to endure as it somehow gets everything right.  Good performances, nifty effects, a riveting plot courtesy of a powerful script, an ominous score--it's all there, friends.  There's no time for humor and no need for cheap jolts.  This gruesome conjuring (forgive me) is creepy as hell from start to finish and offers up a few dark surprises along the way.  Bonus points: the inevitable tie-in to Annabelle is executed perfectly.  Highly recommended!

Final Grade: A

Look out!  This one has some serious bite, folks.

 

Short Attention Span Review: Annabelle (2014)

Short Attention Span Review: Annabelle (2014)

Annabelle is a basic bitch, truth be told, but that doesn't render her ineffective.  In fact, I found a lot to like in this simplistic throwback.  A bit classical in its approach, Annabelle doesn't arrive with any grand aspirations.  This one didn't aim to reinvent the wheel, and there were no attempts to ratchet up the tension with a hyper-kinetic array of malevolent jolts.  No, we're dealing with a straight-forward and measured endeavor here.  In that regard, Annabelle reminded me a lot of the claustrophobic character-driven spookshows of yesteryear.  Throw in a tough female lead and some quality effects work, and you're in for a good time at the movies.  Intriguing and creepy in equal doses, this unassuming addition to The Conjuring family won't take you anywhere you haven't been before.  Yet, if you're a fan of the genre, you will get to revisit the old neighborhood in an efficient and moderately unnerving trip into terror.  That's good enough for me.

Final Grade: B-

When things got out of hand, Annabelle's owners reached out to this priest, and he had the situation under control for approximately 90 seconds.

 

Short Attention Span Review: The Dark Tower (2017)

Short Attention Span Review: The Dark Tower (2017)

Let's be clear about this: I wasn't looking forward to this version of The Dark Tower.  I treasure the books, and if it were up to me, we would get an adaptation akin to what Ron Howard allegedly pitched.  I've read that he envisioned a sprawling saga unfolding over the course of a few movies with a television series serving to fill in the gaps.  That sounds about right.  Then this movie hit, and the buzz surrounding it was not the sort of buzz that a devotee of the material might hope for.  No, it was more like the buzz that occurs when flies discover a fresh pile of poo.  I was already skeptical of the approach and the casting (but not for the reasons that so many were bitching about), and I really wasn't feeling it.  So, of course, once I actually sat down to view director Nikolaj Arcel's much-maligned film, I wound up enjoying the hell out of it even if it is a bit goofy.  First off, it makes no attempt to faithfully adapt King's novels, merely borrowing names and themes to go along with a few plot threads in what is clearly a totally different take on the material.  By and large, this kept me from measuring it against the literature that inspired it, and that benefited the movie in a big way.  Secondly, it put two fantastic performers in a wonky fantasy/sci-fi/horror/western that essentially stands as an oversimplified good vs. evil yarn with a lean run time.  I'm cool with that.  Was it groundbreaking?  Hardly.  Was it terrible?  Nope.  Was it entertaining?  I do believe so.  McConaughey was game as the baddie, channeling Nicholas Cage when Nicholas Cage is invested in a part (which is admittedly rare), but this take on The Dark Tower is undoubtedly Idris Elba's show from start to finish.  As one would expect, Elba was magnificent in his role; dude was good with bullets and even better with CGI.  At one key moment, he fired one bullet, then fired a second bullet that ricocheted before catching up with the first bullet--and redirecting it.  I was in awe.  Seriously, I enjoyed all the Easter eggs and the action bits were ludicrous but fun to watch.  I won't make a case for The Dark Tower as a quality adaptation or a fine film, for it is surely neither of these things.  I will say I went in expecting a total shitshow, and instead I turned my brain off for 95 minutes and had a cheesy good time with Roland of Gilead and the nefarious man in black. 

I can only hope that I haven't forgotten the face of my father . . .

Final Grade: C+

Say what you will about the movie, but don't you dare knock my main man Idris Elba.

Short Attention Span Review: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)

Short Attention Span Review: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)

Some might label this film trash.  Some might describe it as a true masterpiece.  I tend to think that both views are accurate, and the potent blend of sleaze and artistry make it one of my favorite pictures.  The story is also a medley, with Beyond the Valley of the Dolls emerging as a parody, a melodrama, a skin flick, a musical, a comedy, and even a horror movie, all rolled into one.  Written by Roger Ebert (his sole credit as a screenwriter) and directed by softcore maestro Russ Meyer, this sordid affair is populated by zany characters and buoyed by solid performances.  It's a credit to Meyer's ability as a director that even the most absurd sequences are played straight by the talent involved.  In fact, the humor born of the rampant satire embedded in the piece works because no one involved treats it as camp.  Most impressive is the editing, with Meyer cutting, and cutting, and cutting, yielding several impressive montages and numerous scenes where dozens of shots are utilized to propel the action.  There are points where Meyer may cycle through as many as forty or fifty shots in a minute, and the results aren't choppy or jolting but rather sublime.  I also have to give the music some serious props and John LaZar's work as Ronnie "Z-Man" Barzell is a joy to behold.  Finally, the movie goes off the rails in a bonkers finale that firmly solidifies this one as cinematic gold.  Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is definitely one of the sleaziest movies ever made--and I also think that it's definitely one of the best movies ever made.

Final Grade: A+

Equal parts sleazy, quixotic, and masterful, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is wholly unique and totally entertaining.

Short Attention Span Review: Rogue One (2016)

Short Attention Span Review: Rogue One (2016)

Rogue One is a different sort of Star Wars movie, and while the somber tone and the valiant sacrifices that punctuate the closing reel may not sit well with some, it cannot be denied this is one hell of a movie.  While the typical Star Wars picture is whimsical and far more gentle, Rogue One opts for an emphasis on grit and the perils of war.  Personally, I found this to be a sound decision, and by the time the film drew to a close, I was more invested in the material than I had been with any Star Wars movie since Luke lost his hand and Han became decor.  I'm not afraid to declare that this is easily the second-best Star Wars movie ever produced, and time may see it come to rival even The Empire Strikes Back.  The entire cast is worthy of praise, and this is due to the script as much as the talent involved.  Not since the original trilogy hit the scene have we witnessed so many rich characters with such captivating stories come together in this universe, and that desperate climax only serves to magnify the strength of the performances and the plot.  The effects are at an all-time high, the scope is clearly epic, and the significance of this standalone tale to the events depicted in the original that started it all cannot be overstated.  I greatly enjoyed Rogue One, and I was also greatly moved by it.  It exists both as a thrilling blockbuster and a thorough meditation on what it means to live and die for a cause.  Bonus points: in a series that has always found a way to give us a lovable droid to cherish, Rogue One gives us a cantankerous droid with a gift for sarcasm, and in doing so they may have topped R2-D2 and BB-8.  Seriously.  Also, there are a handful of cameos, to include Peter Cushing reprising the role of Grand Moff Tarkin thanks to some technical wizardry, and while it's nice to glimpse some familiar faces, it is Darth Vader's more substantial appearance that will have fans jumping out of their seats.  Vader has never been so badass, and Star Wars has seldom (if ever) found such an even blend of thrills and introspection.  Rogue One isn't just the best Star Wars movie to come along in a while, it's a damn good movie in general. 

Final Grade: A+

He may not be on the screen for long in Rogue One, but Vader's rage gives us one of the most impressive Star Wars moments of all time.

Marvel's Iron Fist (Netflix Series - 2017)

Marvel's Iron Fist (Netflix Series - 2017)

Despite some mindless controversy and a wealth of brutal reviews courtesy of critics (many of whom were unable to move beyond the "whitewashing" bullshit), viewers seem to have watched a different series altogether.  Whether you prefer Rotten Tomatoes or IMDB, if you compare and contrast the critic's ratings and the average joe's ratings, you'll see a gap that might be better referred to as a canyon.  Now, no one out there is hailing Iron Fist as a home run--and it isn't--but it is entertaining and it's a far cry from the utter failure so many critics have made it out to be.  Having recently enjoyed the series, I certainly agree with the viewing public, and while it wasn't nearly as invigorating as the first season of Daredevil or Luke Cage, I think it fits nicely with the rest of their Netflix offerings.

The critics were pretty much universal in their disdain for the presence of Finn Jones in the lead role.  Honestly, this is the first thing I've ever seen him in and I thought he did a fine job.  I'm a big fan of the comic book, and Jones nailed the innocence and warmth that separate Iron Fist from characters like Daredevil, Luke Cage, and the Punisher.  He also did a good job with the action bits, and while I recognize that he didn't do all of his stunts, this didn't really hurt the show at all.  And speaking of action bits, despite all the criticism aimed at the lack of such sequences, I thought this series had a lot more going for it in the way of throwdowns than either Jessica Jones or Luke Cage.  In the interest of full disclosure, I would have preferred to see a legitimate martial artist cast in the role, but I feel like Jones did a solid job with the part.

His supporting cast fared even better, with Marvel's Netflix mainstay Rosario Dawson continuing to excel as Claire Temple (Marvel's Night Nurse) while Jessica Henswick proved to be the show's biggest find as Colleen Wing.  Wing is a legitimate badass whose combat scenes frequently overshadowed those featuring the titular character.  I also found Tom Pelphrey to be a joy to watch, and his Ward Meachum may have been the character that the script provided with the biggest arc.  Whether the episode at hand required Ward to be an elitist dickhead, a coldblooded killer, a desperate junkie, or a semi-likable cat in search of redemption, Pelphrey was up to the task.  Jessica Stroup did a good job as Ward's sister Joy, a character tasked with hitting almost as many levels, but I don't think the script gave her quite enough material to work with.  Some of the key moments concerning her character were so abrupt and ill-defined that I can't say that she nailed it, though I don't hold her directly responsible.

Any show or movie is ultimately only as good as its villain, and David Wenham's Harold Meachum may have been the most impressive thing about Iron Fist.  Given my affection for the source material, I was pleased to hear that Wenham had been cast in this part, and given his talent I knew that Harold would likely be the big bad for the first season.  I was totally cool with this, and I have to say that the Harold Meachum of this Netflix series emerged as a more intriguing and credible threat than his comic book counterpart.  Wenham chewed scenery and brought a lot of physicality to the role, consistently stealing the spotlight and elevating the program whenever he was on screen. 

Like I noted earlier, many of the show's biggest critics have blasted it as a dull affair and lamented the lack and/or quality of fight scenes, and I think this is a bit puzzling.  It does fall well short of the high water mark set by the first season of Daredevil in this regard, but I think it has just as much action as the second season of that show and it surpasses both Jessica Jones and Luke Cage so far as both the quantity and the quality of showdowns are concerned.  Many have objected to the style of these battles, but I enjoyed seeing Danny presented as a more graceful and less vindictive combatant.  Daredevil is a street fighter and he brutalizes his enemies while Danny's mastery of martial arts is more akin to a dance, allowing him to smoothly evade attacks and swiftly incapacitate most enemies with ease.  His foes are more likely to wake up wondering what happened than to come to in traction with a long road to recovery ahead of them.  Again, I would have preferred a genuine martial artist in the part, but Finn did some cool stuff, and I greatly enjoyed the all-too-brief splitscreen bits that gave the proceedings a unique touch.  Finally, I would single out the sixth episode ("Immortal Emerges from Cave") directed by kung fu aficionado RZA as the strongest hour of the series, and any Iron Fist fan or martial arts devotee should have a blast with that episode.

The other defining moment of the show arrived in episode 8, when Lewis Tan absolutely killed it as a master of drunken boxing.  As a whole, this episode didn't have the same power as "Immortal Emerges from Cave," but the fight scene pitting Iron Fist against Tan as Zhou Cheng (one of the coolest adversaries from the comics to pop up on the show) is easily the best action sequence of the first season. 

In summary, while the show did suffer from several lapses in logic and some uneven plotting, that sixth episode and the big fight scene in the eighth episode may stand as the best evidence that Iron Fist was far from a failure and has the potential to rival Marvel's other Netflix shows.  David Wenham's killer effort as the heavy and Jessica Henswick's Colleen Wing were also big winners, and given time Finn Jones may just bring the haters over to his side.  I look forward to seeing Danny alongside his peers as one of The Defenders, and I'm hoping that a second season will shed more light on our hero's training in the mystical city of K'un Lun.  Was Iron Fist everything I had hoped for?  No, it did fall well short of that mark.  Was it a turd?  Shit no.  It was a good show with a wealth of untapped potential, and if Marvel and Netflix allow it to continue, there are definitely signs that it could deliver on all that promise.

Final Grade: B-