Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Even the best martial arts movies are a bit goofy, that's the nature of the beast.  If you're going to depict people settling their disputes with a series of colorful showdowns where kung-fu chops and flying kicks decide the battle, you're clearly veering merrily toward the absurd.  Still, most examples of this genre I cherish so much try to operate with something that resembles a poker face.  No Retreat, No Surrender has no shame, good people, no shame whatsoever.  These filmmakers just pile it on.  It's kinda like The Karate Kid, except the villain is basically Ivan Drago as played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.  And instead of Mr. Miyagi, our hero takes lessons from the ghost of Bruce Lee.  No bullshit.  And no 80s cliches were spared, and no fucks were given.  As a result, No Retreat, No Surrender is a cringe-worthy diet of glossy ineptitude complete with a goofy soundtrack boasting hair metal power ballads that often serve as narration.  No, really, and it's horrible, my friends, just horrible.  There are editing mishaps, cliches, line deliveries that are embarrassing to behold, more cliches, and a few more cliches thrown in for good measure as ludicrous plot developments steer us toward a conclusion that is silly as hell.  No, sillier than that.  And, yes, it's also fun, partly because it's one of those good bad movies and it is brimming with unintentional humor, but also because you can't help but get caught up in this shit.  You will cheer at times, and you will feel like an absolute dumbass when you do.  Trust me.  No Retreat, No Surrender approaches cult status by virtue of calamity and aplomb.  Well, that and the undeniable fact that buried within the various mishaps and missteps, there are a couple of worthwhile performances, a few potent bits, and some quality choreography.  Bottom line: it's an entertaining clusterfuck.  You will enjoy it, but some of your brain cells will surely die while you're watching it.

Final Grade: C-

His acting may not be hitting on much in this early role,
but Van Damme shows incredible star power by way of his dazzling physical talents.  

Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Maybe this isn't exactly high praise, but The Sword and the Sorceror is one of the best Conan clones released in the early 80s.  Yes, most of those pictures are atrocious, but the point stands.  Lurid and pulpy, this Albert Pyun venture doesn't take itself seriously despite the presence of traditional genre themes like vengeance, conquest, and destiny.  It is easy to imagine Pyun calling "cut" after takes and imploring his cast to add more cheese to their deliveries.  No one plays it straight, and Richard Lynch and Lee Horsley engage in a supreme duel to see who can ham it up the most in the two most important roles.  Namely, the hero and the villain, and I'm pretty sure you can guess which one is which.  We've got melodramatic music cues, shameless T&A, and bursts of extreme gore.  And you can't bring this movie up without referencing the sword with three blades, which may rank as the greatest of the absurdities in play.  Oh, and this sword with three blades can fire those blades as projectiles--and the effects work that allows this to transpire is just as meh as what you're picturing in your head.  That's an exception to the rule, however, as most of the effects in the picture are rather convincing.  That's more than I can say for the fight choreography, which is rugged and inspired, but not all that deft.  You know the drill: lots of aggressive strikes that are all too easy to block coupled with frenzied snarls.  Work it , boys.  Yeah, it is that kind of show.  But you know what?  It's far from dull, and in fact, it's pretty damn fun from start to finish.  There are even moments where it is rather incredible.  Also, I mentioned the gore earlier--as a horror junkie, I'm going to double down here.  The gore is a nice touch.  Livens things up nicely.  So, if you're going to dial up something of this ilk that isn't Conan the Barbarian or The Beastmaster, The Sword and the Sorceror is your only hope.  Pop open a frosty, and you may just enjoy the hell out of this bloody romp that thrives on cliches and machismo.

Final Grade: C+

Good old Talon and the three-bladed sword.  Silly as hell, yes, and also pretty fucking gnarly.

Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

This is one of the first movies that I ever saw, and it may be the first horror movie that I watched.  That honor belongs to either this cheap horror/thriller hybrid or The Boogens.  Recently, I snagged a copy of Jungle Heat on VHS and revisited it.  Despite some pronounced shortcomings that it can't quite overcome (namely, the budget--or lack thereof), Jungle Heat does enough well to deserve a little more love from the horror community.  For starters, I found Peter Fonda to be on point, and the fact that his flawed hero is both a struggling alcoholic and a real dick made the character more intriguing.  As a general rule, you don't want your leading man to be an asshole, but hey, if you go that route, at least you're doing something different.  Deborah Raffin is way too good for the picture, and does a fine job of stumbling into jeopardy and putting up with Fonda's shit.  Which is somewhat understandable, since his role requires him to rescue her whenever he isn't getting drunk or being a dickhead.  The mood is a definite win; Jungle Heat has a wonky vibe that slowly descends into serious dread during a bleak closing reel that feels more 70s than 80s.  The sound design also warrants praise--when we finally get to the creature element of this low rent creature feature, the little boogers may look lame as fuck, but they sound terrifying.  Those roars are seriously gnarly, and an otherwise mundane score ramps up as everything goes bad in that grim finale.  Of course, the script is uneven, the direction is lackluster, and the budget is a genuine embarrassment, so Jungle Heat often runs cold.  Still,  while it's frequently regarded as abysmal by those who remember it at all, I rate it passable at worst and pretty damn dope in brief splashes of creepy mayhem.

Final Grade: C

Peter Fonda is a total dick in this cheap horror flick that I may be somewhat biased toward--it was one of the first movies I recall seeing.

To revisit this childhood fave, I had to seek out a copy on VHS.  Kicking it old school, peeps.

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

People who read this blog are looking at that poster and seeing the names Sybil Danning and Wings Hauser, and I'm sure the obvious question has reared its ugly head.  Is this another of those bad movies that this dude really likes?  Yes.  Yes, it is.  Look, here's the thing: I don't like most bad movies.  Hell, I despise camp for camp's sake.  But there are bad movies I enjoy, and an awful lot of them feature my main man Wings Hauser.  It's a simple formula, really: give the man time to shine, and he will make the movie worth watching.  Of all the bad movies that he has starred in (and there are many), there are only a few that fail to entertain.  Most of those are titles where his name is featured prominently, but his role is meager.  This isn't one of those movies.  Here, he's given ample time to ham it up, and he does so with shameless aplomb.  He plays a deranged painter/killer who carries on a one-way conversation with God throughout the movie, hoping to impress the big guy.  Often, he is hoping to impress him with the creativity or outright cruelty he displays in his numerous killings.  If you are familiar with Wings, you can see where pairing the actor with that part makes this a must-see action cheapie.  In the lead role, we have Sybil Danning, who says very little and kills lots of villains.  Honestly, as a youngster, I only saw her as eye candy, this despite the fact that she often mixed it up where gunfights, catfights, and even a swordfight or too are concerned.  However, to my knowledge, this is the only time she was picked to star in such a film, and I feel that she carried it off well.  I think I sold her short in my youth, and if she did anything else like this, I'm suddenly interested.  Now, as far as plot, craftsmanship, and any of the various technical merits are concerned, L.A. Bounty is serviceable.  That's about it.  Take Hauser out of the mix, and it would probably register as a dud, despite Danning's good showing.  Even with Wings sinking his teeth into such a gonzo part, L.A. Bounty falls well short of his better pictures, to include the handful of legitimately good movies that he made.  Still, while this ranks among the lesser of those good bad movies that he specialized in, I had a lot of fun with it.  I was drunk, but I imagine that most people who sit down to watch L.A. Bounty in 2020 will be similarly impaired.

Final Grade: C+

Wings Hauser, people.  I mean, if he gets enough screentime, the movie is worth watching.  Legendary.  Just legendary.

Powerful Pages - Pet Sematary by Stephen King (1983)

Powerful Pages - Pet Sematary by Stephen King (1983)

I started reading Stephen King novels when I was 8 years old.  When I started on this voyage, it seemed like I would never run out of books from the maestro to devour.  But, inevitably, at some point, I approached the finish line.  I put Pet Sematary aside because I always wanted to have one last vintage yarn from Uncle Stevie to dig into.  Decades passed.  And the time came.  I just had to give it a go.  First off, I'm sure glad that I finally took the plunge; Pet Sematary is a demented masterpiece, and it is as entertaining as it is unspeakable.  Secondly, this was probably a good one to set aside, for it is as dark and haunting as anything King has written.  It is maybe as dark and haunting as anything I've ever read, and that puts it right up there with The Exorcist* and Lord of the Flies**.  Pet Sematary is all kinds of heavy, and it puts the characters (a really likable family and a friendly neighbor of the highest degree) through all kinds of awful shit.  And the whole time, you sense the storm brewing, and somehow knowing that these people will suffer in abhorrent ways makes them that much more endearing.  I guess that makes Pet Sematary as much of a tragedy as it is a horror novel, and it does operate on a grand scale that it isn't altogether common within the genre.  King dares to grapple with some of the most difficult questions we all face in this life, and his answers here are as brutal as they are blunt.  At the same time, the prose is warm and inviting, and the book itself unwinds like a tale spun by that remarkable neighbor, good old Jud Crandall, a kindly soul with a gift for piquing our interest.  This story is intriguing from the onset, and as the stakes rise and the tension mounts, it becomes savagely addictive.  I turned pages and begged the main character to change course with considerable tenacity, though I knew to expect the very worse at every turn.  And toward that end, King delivered.  Oh man.  He delivered in spades.

*Surprise!  The scariest movie of all time sprang forth from a novel that is equally intense and frightening.  Indeed, the book has additional depth and takes the startling premise even further.

**Fuck William Golding.  Fuck Lord of the Flies.  Simon's death may be the most traumatic aspect of my high school education, and that little episode in my life had trauma to spare.  Also: fantastic book, hell of a writer.  Highly recommended!

Final Grade: A+

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

I plucked one from the archives today.  The Kindred is a late 80s monster movie that I may have rented a few too many times during my unruly youth.  It is rather gooey, and while I can't rightfully say that it is very good, it is a fun little monster movie.  Like many such affairs that go big often, it lands a few solid punches when it isn't getting knocked on its slimy ass.  Translation: there are some bits that work well and some gnarly effects, and there are also some sequences that fall flat and some effects that miss the mark.  By a lot.  The cast is game, with a young Amanda Pays standing out here and there while Rod Steiger slums it up.  To his credit, while many performers of his caliber would shift into neutral while slumming, Steiger actually seems pretty into it.  And the poor boy does take his lumps in the closing reel, so that is rather commendable.  Our lead (David Allen Brooks as John Hollins) doesn't exactly light up the screen, but he doesn't fall flat either.  Peter Frechette seems a little fierier in a lesser role, and this may be why he suddenly rises to the forefront in the closing reel.  The atmosphere is nice and sinister, the premise is just kooky enough to keep us involved, and an average monster movie is always better than even the greatest love stories captured on film.  That's how I see the world, anyhow.  So, yeah, this is just an average monster movie, nothing more, nothing less, but it was nice to take a stroll down memory lane.  Yes, good people of the internet, I enjoyed revisiting these crazy kids and their grotesque vaguely humanoid siblings.  And if you dig creature features too, you could do far worse.

Final Grade: C

The Kindred is a gooey mess, but it's a lot more entertaining than Gone with the Wind or Titanic.  True story.

Short Attention Span Review - A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

Short Attention Span Review - A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

Oye.  This movie had so much potential, but it just couldn't connect the dots.  While director Renny Harlin did manage to drop some cool imagery on us, and there were some rather solid action bits, a lack of character development and a jokey script undermined his efforts.  Robert Englund was surely invested in the material, and seemed to be having a ball with his part, but it was just a little too much.  I enjoyed some of Freddy's wisecracks, but I didn't really want to see him portrayed as a murderous clown.  And that was apparently the goal in The Dream Master, which also suffered from a number of cringeworthy gags that missed the mark entirely.  There were some zingers that landed, and some of the creativity that made Dream Warriors a winner made it onto the screen.  However, while it was servicable for this type of flick, the effects work wasn't quite as good as what we saw in the prior entry.  The script dispensed with several pivotal characters with minimal fanfare, and failed to develop their succesors enough to inspire me to root for them.  Aside from the roach kill and a rousing finale, I nearly lost interest.  To be fair, the roach kill was totally f'n gnarly, but by the time I got to that part. it was a genuine "too little, too late" scenario.  Then we got the parting shot, an obligatory "Freddy's still out there" gimmick--and it was really, really weak.  In fact, that would be an adequate summary of this late 80s slasher sequel: really, really weak.  If not for that one wild moment when The Dream Master totally bugged out, I would give this one an "F."

Final Grade: D-

Robert Englund has a great time with The Dream Master.  I did not.

Short Attention Span Review - Black Rain (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - Black Rain (1989)

Black Rain is a real mixed bag.  It has so much going for it, but it is also littered with glaring flaws.  The visuals are a treat, with director Ridley Scott making the most of every environment the film inhabits.  He also delivers some riveting action setpieces, and star Michael Douglas shines in one of his grittiest and most physical roles.  I liked that the movie wasn't shy about venturing into some grey areas, with our dogged hero admitting to being on the take in one of Black Rain's most powerful scenes.  I really dig Yusaku Matsuda in the the last part he would ever play (unbeknownst to Scott, Matsuda was in the latter stages of a battle with cancer, and would perish weeks after the film premiered) as the villainous Sato.  He really delivered in a huge way, snarling and sneering without overplaying his hand.  He doesn't steal scenes with his bravado, but ratchets up the excitement with every appearance.  That's a lot to enjoy, and I almost forgot to mention Andy Garcia having way too much fun as the clearly doomed sidekick with a big heart and a great smile.  The producers must have realized just how obvious his ultimate fate was--they featured his decapitation in the theatrical trailer. So what went wrong?  First off, the song (no, I'm not going to bother looking it up--better that it go unnamed herein) that plays over the opening and closing credits is an unforgivable offense.  Secondly, the script drops the ball repeatedly where logic is concerned.  I mean, there are maybe a dozen total fails on this front.  This happens so often that our hero begins to seem like a very intense and equally conflicted buffoon.  Dude would have lasted about ten minutes in Japan.  He basically veers from one situation to another that should have led to either the loss of his job or his life.  It would be safe to consider him rather fortunate, for while he emerges unscathed, his behavior does result in his Japanese cohort losing his job and his American partner losing his life.  Those are the breaks when you sign up to be a sidekick.  Thankfully, the former does salvage his career, and in the end, he and Douglas find honor and even receive medals for an unsanctioned sting operation that results in a catastrophic loss of property and life.  Yeah, Black Rain has its good points, but it is pretty damn dumb.

Final Grade: C

Douglas proves more than capable in the role of a rugged action hero.  Having said that,  a problematic script  nearly steals his thunder.

Fabulous Faves - Blade Runner (1982)

Fabulous Faves - Blade Runner (1982)

Blade Runner is a film that remains spellbinding better than thirty years after hitting the scene.  It remains a thorough yet quizzical offering that paints a complex picture, exploring some epic questions with pain-staking attention to detail.  Yet it leaves the viewer to ponder many of these questions, and that is what makes it so majestic.  It has so many strengths, to include visionary director Ridley Scott's most creative work, one of Harrison Ford's best performances, and mind-boggling special effects.  Yet I find this beloved film's most potent draw to be dear departed Rutger Hauer's stunning portrayal of one of the cinema's most compelling villains.  Hauer's Roy Batty is as tragic as he is fearsome, and the actor owned the role.  He brought subtlety and introspection to the table, and he also brought brute force and a fiendish zeal.  He was explosive and yet utterly relaxed; it is a completely natural showing that displays remarkable theatrics.  When Hauer recently passed and I paused to look back on his body of work, I couldn't stop thinking about his poignant demise in Blade Runner.  That sequence is truly sublime, and it is merely one of the many vibrant flourishes that make this 1982 production so profound.  All these years after being released, it continues to provide viewers with a fully realized escape into a stark and strangely hypnotic vision of a future that did not come to pass.  It boasts incredible drama, excitement, and stimulation that lasts until the final frame--and beyond.  Blade Runner remains a stunning achievement that surely ranks among the finest motion pictures ever made.

Final Grade: A+

Blade Runner is overflowing with riches, but if I were to single out any one element of this landmark science fiction production as being the most spectacular, I would point to Rutger Hauer's work as Roy Batty.  Roy is the primary antagonist, and he's also the heart and soul of the picture.  You don't often see that.

Short Attention Span Review - White of the Eye (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - White of the Eye (1987)

This little-known thriller from the late 80s is often described as an American stab at the beloved Giallo sub-genre that put so many Italian directors on the map.  I can see some similarities, so I understand that sentiment, but I find it to be something different, a curious opus that pays homage to many things but ultimately stands on its own.  The direction from Donald Cammell represents a stellar vision that is stark, inviting, subversive, and wildly grim.  This picture has a thing for vivid colors and gruesome subject matter, and it is rooted in the queasy realms of power and domination masquerading as purpose, painting an intimate portrait of a madman.  In fact, the lines between the killer we fear and the leading man we are drawn to are blurred, and even those with the closest ties to the murders contained within this pulsing chiller can't decide whether they love or hate the twisted soul who finds purpose in dismemberment.  The score by Nick Mason is a big winner, and the performances are on point.  David Keith is perfect, and Cathy Moriarty matches him stride for stride, while Art Evans and Alan Rosenberg take smaller roles and turn them into major assets.  Few thrillers operate with this much charisma while probing such depths, and the end result is a bit of a mystery.  While the events portrayed are far from ambiguous, the viewer's reaction may be defined by a sense of puzzlement.  When all is revealed, it is difficult to determine just how we should feel about everyone involved, and that is why I cherish White of the Eye.  It is provocative, it is exciting, and it asks a lot of tough questions that it answers by dishing out a lot of tough answers.  Evil can be quite seductive.  Evil may even be rather charming at times.  And those who go toe to toe with evil may taint themselves in the process.  Most don't view this type of fare for such meditation on the darker aspects of humanity, but those who do may find this true one of a kind to be immensely satisfying in its thirst for perversion and identity.

Final Grade: A

Like the best Italian thrillers, this American production is a quirky thriller that oozes style and vibrancy.

Powerful Pages: They Thirst by Robert R. McCammon (1981)

Powerful Pages: They Thirst by Robert R. McCammon (1981)

They Thirst is far from a great book.  It may not even be that good.  It has an abundance of flaws, and in the early stages, it was so derivative that I wasn't sure that I would able to stick with it.  And while I'm not opposed to pulp or trash, I do have my limits.  Despite these complaints and the presence of maybe half a dozen stupendous coincidences too many, I didn't put this early venture from Robert R. McCammon aside.  Why?  Three reasons, mostly.  First, while the villains were largely cliches and the protagonists were cut from the same cloth, the latter group resonated with me for reasons I don't fully comprehend.  I followed them deeper and deeper into this sprawling opus with a certain degree of trepidation, but the more I read, the more pressing my need to know how they would fare became. Secondly, McCammon did an excellent job with the ghastly elements of this vampire yarn, deftly portraying the vicious bursts of carnage that kept propelling the characters into greater jeopardy and firmly establishing a sense of creeping dread.  Lastly, raw as it may have been in so many ways, one can't help but marvel at the scope of this fanged saga.  McCammon dared to tell a vampire story on as grand a scale as one could imagine.  Maybe he fumbled and stumbled a bit along the way, but in the end, he put the entire city of Los Angeles and even the world as we know it in immense peril.  In doing so, he delivered a tremendous conclusion that may have been just as serendipitous and overwrought as the first act, but somehow proved to be both engrossing and satisfying.  Seldom has the phrase "grand finale" been so appropriate.  Yes, They Thirst is far from a great book, but it is entertaining as hell, and I have to salute the author for putting so much at stake.

Final Grade: C+

Short Attention Span Review: Ready Player One

Short Attention Span Review: Ready Player One (2017)

Ready Player One is such a treat for the eyes.  It's also maybe the biggest love letter to pop culture of the 80s and 90s that we've ever seen (sorry, Stranger Things), and it also gives both video games and gamer culture a lot of love.  With all that in mind, it's easy to overlook the two biggest reasons to make time for this whimsical thrill ride.  First, it's Spielberg at his very best, and in my humble opinion, it may be the most impressive motion picture he has directed since his heyday in the years this sci-fi marvel  holds in such high regard.  Secondly, it's a quality story that somehow manages to honor all the various forms of media at the forefront of the tale while underscoring how reality trumps fantasy.  The effects are absolutely stupendous, and all the pop culture icons that litter the screen are represented well.  Those of us who treasure the 80s and 90s will be awed by the multitude of easter eggs in the mix, and spotting these loving little shoutouts is almost as much as fun as enjoying the riches of the tale itself.  Some of the various love letters amount to much more than cameos, and the sequence where the characters enter a legendary horror film may be the highlight of the show.  Honestly, while this picture seems tailor-made for those of us who lived through the 80s and 90s or children whose parents have educated them well on the folklore of our youth, it is so vibrant and exciting that even those who don't grasp many of the references will be delighted.  Some may claim that it's more of an homage to pop culture or video games than it is an original story, but I think that's unfair.  It's a powerful tale (I thought it was roughly akin to Willy Wonka for this generation) that uses these elements to fabulous effect while clearly presenting viewers with a thrilling vision that enthralls and entertains in equal measures. 


Final Score: A

It's not just a love letter to video games and the pop culture of the 80s and 90s, it's also Grade A Spielberg.

Short Attention Span Review: Atomic Blonde (2017)

Short Attention Span Review: Atomic Blonde (2017)

Stylish, vibrant, and exciting as hell, Atomic Blonde is a top shelf thrill ride that features two incredible performances and some of the most vicious action sequences ever captured on film.  First off, Charlize Theron is great in every role she decides to tackle, so it can't be considered much of a surprise that she is such an incredible asset to this slick spy thriller.  In what has to be her most physical role to date, she proves to be one of the most dangerous cinema badasses we've yet to encounter, and Atomic Blonde boasts several quality showdowns and one brutal battle royal for the ages.  She is almost matched by James McAvoy, who gets to cut loose in one of his most outlandish roles.  In truth, this may be my favorite thing he has done, and I consider myself quite a fan of his work, so that's high praise.  He's so volatile and so entertaining, and he shows off some action chops as well, though the film clearly belongs to Charlize.  Director David Leitch makes great use of an 80s setting for this vintage spy caper and even greater use of a fabulous 80s soundtrack.  He rounds out his cast with heavyweights like John Goodman and Bill Skarsgard, and even gets a deft showing out of Til Schweiger.  Leitch also wisely allows Daniel Bernhardt to give the heavies a boost with his menacing persona and his martial arts prowess.  Given that Leitch has a background in stunts and made his mark directing some scenes for John Wick, it should come as no surprise that he handles the action with incredible finesse.  However, I feel like it is his apparent skill in other areas that makes Atomic Blonde such a captivating success.  Yes, the film features several high-octane action bits, but it is also a mesmerizing thriller with numerous twists and turns, and enough emotional heft to keep viewers fully invested in both the characters and the intrigue.  Add the great use of a pivotal period in global history and a massive soundtrack, and you have a killer flick that deserves far more acclaim than it has received to date.

Final Grade: A+

Let's face it, Charlize kills every role she takes on, so it should come as no surprise that she slays it in perhaps her most physical role to date as an ultimate badass in Atomic Blonde.

Short Attention Span Review: Flash Gordon (1980)

Short Attention Span Review: Flash Gordon (1980)

I don't think I can be objective here, but maybe I don't need to be.  I don't really know, to be completely honest with you  You see, I'm not sure that there is a greater paradox in the realm of the motion picture than Flash Gordon. It is entirely possible that this is a "so bad it's good" sort of movie.  There are definitely a few bits at the very least that would have wound up on the cutting room floor if the powers that be were looking to create a genuine classic with this brazen affair.  However, there is also a sense of majesty paired with some splendid entertainment value that elevates this colorful and quixotic gem.  In terms of sheer enjoyment, it is hard to top, and despite some clunky performances and a few goofy moments courtesy of the FX or the plotting, it does many things amazingly well.  The color palette is a true splendor, and the score is a genuine masterpiece courtesy of Queen, bolstered by a main theme that is nothing short of sheer perfection.  The excitement is non-stop, and the stakes are incredibly high.  The heroes are lovable and the villains are despicable, and anyone who doesn't smile while they partake of this feast for the senses is dead inside.  And yet there are those wooden performances and those moments where you can't quite tell if the filmmakers are going for camp or simply missing the mark by a mile. It is cheeky.  It is downright silly.  And somewhere, deep down inside, your inner critic is bound to feel that the material is beneath you.  But then it soars and despite your misgivings, you find yourself being blown away by all the energy and grandeur, and somehow the sappy plot gets under your skin.  Then you're actually moved by this barrage of sight and sound that is a lot like a puppy: awkward, a little smelly, and 100% lovable.  It's Flash Gordon.  It could be terrible.  It could be the greatest sci-fi adventure of all time.  You're free to make your own call, but as for me, . . . well, it's the first movie I really remember seeing, at a drive-in no less.  I have loved it for as long as I have loved the movies.  Yes, it's true--I like Flash as much as Mark Wahlberg and Ted do.  Maybe more.

Final Grade: A

It may be of the "so bad it's good" variety.  It may be totally legendary.  I'm honestly not sure which is the right answer, but  given our history I'm going to give Flash Gordon the benefit of the doubt here.

Short Attention Span Review: Forced Vengeance (1982)

Short Attention Span Review: Forced Vengeance (1982)

Forced Vengeance is a typical American kung-fu flick for its era, and as such, it is both amateurish in many ways and entertaining enough to warrant a viewing.  The chief asset here is Chuck Norris, of course, and he plays a surprisingly hard-edged character.  Also atypical for his work is the sex and extreme violence depicted herein, to include some gore to go along with all of the star's blazing kicks.  I think this works in the film's favor, as the role of a casino enforcer wouldn't have worked with one of the actor's trademark "really nice guy who can kick a lot of ass" performances.  Unfortunately, it is a bit mean-spirited and (even worse) decidedly misogynistic.  That certainly takes a lot of the pleasure out of an action flick that never aspires to be anything more than a guilty pleasure.  Bummer, dude.  Oh, and lest I forget, the narration (courtesy of Chuck) is both totally unnecessary and 100% lifeless.  It's like he's reading this shit for the first time, and the content consists of needless exposition (this is not a difficult film to follow) and woeful attempts at some poor writer's idea of kung fu noir.  Take this nugget that serves to wrap things up:  "Hong Kong.  A borrowed place that lives on borrowed time.  The British run it now.  But in seventeen years, the lease runs out.  And the People's Republic is the landlord.  But this is a city of survivors.  And whatever happens, Hong King will always be the place."  Cue credits.  Seriously.  On the plus side, the choreography is above average (maybe second only to The Octagon* where Chuck's filmography is concerned), and Norris squares off against some decent opposition along the way.  Michael Cavanaugh's Stan Raimondi is a surprisingly difficult foe to dispatch, and he's one of many villains who put up a decent fight.  There are also some nifty touches from director James Fargo, with one battle displayed as a vibrant war of silhouettes that shows more artistry than one would expect from such a picture.  All in all, this is a bit of mindless fun that would rank much higher and serve up a better viewing experience with a little more respect for the ladies and an absence of clumsy narration.  Even with those considerable blemishes to take into account, Forced Vengeance is one of Chuck's better movies.  It's not Top 5 material, but do keep in mind that while I love Chuck and I enjoy his work, he didn't make a lot of good movies.

*I've said this before, and I'll say it again: the closing reel wherein Chuck Norris tackles the ninja compound at the center of The Octagon is his best work as a leading man*, and that setpiece is kung fu flick royalty.  Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is a real drag, and despite those awesome fireworks by way of fisticuffs, the picture as a whole is a stinker.

**His work as Bruce Lee's nemesis in Return of the Dragon is his greatest accomplishment in the movies, and his climactic showdown with Bruce therein is one of the best duels ever in the history of martial arts cinema.

Final Grade: C+

See that guy with the rifle?
1) He is obviously one hell of a sentry.
2) He is about to get the shit beat out of him.

Short Attention Span Review: Poltergeist (1982)

Short Attention Span Review: Poltergeist (1982)

So often, conversations regarding Poltergeist center on alleged curses and the question of who exactly directed the picture.  These are interesting threads to tug on, to be sure, and I'll touch on them here, but what is often overlooked in these discussions is just how incredible the movie itself is.  Nearly forty years after it was released, this exciting spookshow remains one of the genre's most energetic efforts.  It has everything one could hope for, to include a great cast of performers, phenomenal effects, a fine script, an eerie score, and sound direction.  Pacing is one of its biggest assets, as it begins quaintly enough, and then the suspense and fear are continually elevated until it reaches a bombastic conclusion.  It's also a fun horror picture, with ample doses of humor and wonder sprinkled throughout what could be dubbed a master class in the art of the jump scare.  As for those pressing questions, well, I've never been a big believer in curses on film sets myself, and any doubts about who actually directed the picture don't give me an awful lot of pause.  Spielberg was admittedly on set for a lot of the production, and was far more involved than most producers would have been.  There is no doubt that his fingerprints are all over the movie.  However, there are certainly elements that remind me more of director Tobe Hooper's work, so I view Poltergeist as a most successful collaboration.  The neat thing about this partnership (and one of the key elements to this film's longevity) is the way this bridges two separate worlds.  I think those who are looking for a mysterious adventure with a lot of otherworldy delights up its sleeve and an underlying sense of wonder running throughout will find a lot to love with this one.  I also think that old school horror fans who dig ghastly shenanigans and things that creep through the darkness will be equally pleased with this frightful romp.  It may be a bit too much for the E.T. crowd and it may be far too tame for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre crowd, but there's a lot of area to cover between those pictures, and anyone who resides in that terrain is apt to peg Poltergeist as one of their favorite horror films.  I actually consider myself a proud member of both camps, and I enjoy Poltergeist immensely.  I'm sure I'm not alone in that regard.

Final Grade: A

Poltergeist remains a vivid scarefest that grows more and more exciting as it nears its stupendous climax.

Short Attention Span Review: Knightriders (1981)

Short Attention Span Review: Knightriders (1981)

As a teen, I didn't know quite what to make of George Romero's Knightriders, a fascinating character study that stands as perhaps his most quixotic production.  That's saying something, for while he will always be best known for his gory shockers and his role as the man who put zombies on the map in a big way, he produced a few headscratchers (to include pictures like Martin and Season of the Witch) along the way.  I wanted more of the jousting atop roaring motorcycles and the daredevil flair that Tom Savini brought to the picture as Morgan.  I didn't quite get Billy as portrayed by Ed Harris, the king of the medieval troupe that has traded horses for motorcycles that Knightriders focuses on.  Billy isn't interested in stardom or money, and his devotion to a peculiar but noble set of ethics may even trump his concern for those who look to him for leadership.  In my youth, he seemed to be a bit of a lunatic whose zeal clearly surpassed his logic or compassion, and I may have yearned to see him dethroned--I note this despite the fact that the valiant yet suitably heartbreaking conclusion to the piece didn't sit well with me at the time.  Upon further review, I still enjoy Savini's quality performance and Morgan's perfectly reasonable yearning for gratification and publicity.  Yet Billy's inspired devotion and refusal to compromise in a world that grinds such valiance into dust now strikes me as a far more worthy centerpiece for the tale, and Ed Harris certainly nailed his first true leading role with the sort of magnificence that is worthy of a king.  I also found that ending to be absolutely perfect, and eerily reminiscent of the equally fitting climax that brought Vanishing Point to an end a decade before this film's release.  Lest I slight everyone else involved, there is little to complain about so far as the technical aspects and supporting cast are concerned.  Knightriders is far from a lavish production, but the cast is game, the stunts are lively, and the one and only George Romero does an exceptional job of bringing this unconventional saga to life in riveting fashion.


Final Grade: B

Savini is surprisingly good in one of his biggest parts, but Ed Harris shines, putting his formidable talent on full display long before he would become a legitimate star.

Short Attention Span Review: Cold in July (2014)

Short Attention Span Review: Cold in July (2014)

Sam Shepard was a true legend, a gifted actor who was probably a better writer, and his passing has been marked with a wealth of tributes that honor his legacy.  As I read about his filmography, I realized that I had never watched Cold in July despite the fact that it had piqued my curiousity when it was released back in 2014.  Thus, I decided to go ahead and check out this slow boil of thriller set in 1989, and I'm certainly glad that I did.  The de facto star is Michael C. Hall from Dexter, and while he rocked a hideous mullet and embedded himself in his role, Shepard made for a bigger presence.  Not surprisingly, both of these quality performances were overshadowed by Don Johnson once he showed up about halfway through Cold in July, stealing the show in a part that falls just short of iconic.  The direction courtesy of Jim Mickle was sound and the real star attraction had to be the riveting score by Jeff Grace, who was clearly paying tribute to 80s cinema by way of John Carpenter.  The pace was a bit uneven here and there, and while I can appreciate a nice slow boil, things did drag a bit at times.  Given that the movie is based on the work of Joe R. Lansdale, it isn't surprising that it concludes with a gory showdown, though I was surprised that there were so many plot threads left dangling.  I don't think I can grade this one any higher than a B-, but it was one bloodthirsty B- and that may not even be a bad thing considering that Cold in July is a B movie by design.

Final Grade: B-

Next to the killer score, Cold in July's biggest assett is the trio of actors who bond on a subversive quest to make things right that requires them to bathe in blood.

Short Attention Span Review: Highlander (1986)

Short Attention Span Review: Highlander (1986)

A mild success upon its initial release, Russell Mulcahy's Highlander emerged as a cult classic and inspired a handful of inferior sequels and a goofy television series--and a couple of animated ventures too.  Christopher Lambert was a unique choice for the lead role, and while he would go on to play several action heroes in other movies after this franchise grew wings, none of those flicks would prove nearly as memorable.  In fact, aside from The Hunted, I'm not sure that any of them are any good, though a handful (Fortress, Knight Moves, and Gunmen) are at least watchable.  He does a fine job here, though he is overshadowed by the gifted Clancy Brown in what is likely his finest role.  Brown is simply impeccable as the Kurgan, a cold-blooded madman who is every bit as entertaining and quotable as he is imposing and loathsome.  Lambert is also upstaged at every turn by Sean Connery as his bold mentor, the spirited Ramirez.  I don't intend to downplay Lambert's contributions; as I stated before, this picture spawned quite the franchise, and several other actors would try (and fail) to fill his shoes in the lead role.  The direction by Russell Mulcahy, who had recently turned heads with his cheap but vivid shocker Razorback, gives the picture some serious punch.  The opening tracking shot in an arena and the dolly work on display during the grand finale are both truly spectacular, and Mulcahy invests a lot of energy into every frame.  Another big assist to Highlander comes courtesy of legendary rock act Queen, who put together one hell of an album in support of the film.  Finally, Gregory Widen's screenplay is inventive and brimming with drama, making Highlander stand out by virtue of the way it blends action, science fiction, fantasy, and romance together.  I fell in love with this picture the first time I saw it, and it's one of those rare gems that I seem to appreciate a little more every time I sit down to watch it.

Final Grade: A+

Lambert is solid in the lead role, but Clancy Brown steals the show as the fiendish villain--and Sean Connery also frequently upstages Lambert's MacLeod as his flamboyant mentor, Ramirez.

Top 5 Movie Shootouts: #5) John Wick (the Red Circle)

I'm ready to tee off another Top 5, and this time I'm going to break down my favorite movie shootouts for you.  Many of the films set to make this list are classics that will be hard to argue, but there will also be some contention.  I have no doubt that my choice for the #1 spot on this list will not sit well with many, but it's an easy call as far as I'm concerned.  Additionally, I do want to point out that I'm excluding war films from this Top 5.  I may revisit them with a Top 5 Combat Scenes at some point or something of that ilk, but they didn't really seem to fit with what I'm going for here.  As always, I welcome your thoughts on my selections, and I'm equally interested in hearing about your choices, so feel free to drop a comment and give me your take.

I'm going to get things started with my choice for the #5 spot on this list, and this one goes to the new bloods.

Top 5 Movie Shootouts: #5) John Wick (the Red Circle)

I'm a big Keanu Reeves fan.  I have lots of love for so many of his movies, going all the way back to Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.  I consider Point Break to be a classic so far as guilty pleasures go, and I like The Matrix as much as anyone.  Hell, I have even gone to bat for Keanu's work in Francis Ford Coppola's epic take on Dracula, and that performance is reviled by most everyone for reasons I fail to comprehend.  One of Keanu's most surprising hits arrived in 2014, when John Wick seemingly came out of nowhere and reminded everyone that Reeves is a true cinema badass.

John Wick is one hell of a thrill ride, with the highlight being a spectacular shootout at a club called the Red Circle.  This dazzling setpiece showcases some killer choreography and clearly displays Keanu at his very best.  For those who don't know, this dude is all about training for his roles and bringing as much legitimate action to the proceedings as possible.  Whether we're talking about learning martial arts or tearing up the shooting range with a variety of guns, the man is dedicated.  In scenes like this, it shows up on the screen in a big way.

In addition to riddling bad guys with bullets, this shootout gets some serious bonus points for mixing in a lot of killer martial arts.  Of particular note is the presence of Daniel Bernhardt as a serious rival who actually gets the better of Wick as this wicked shootout comes to an end.  Bernhardt previously squared off against Reeves in The Matrix Reloaded and provides a credible threat, and that greatly amps up the intensity of this thrilling sequence.

I greatly enjoyed John Wick and it succeeded largely because of Keanu's presence and the amazing stunt work.  While the whole movie is loaded with excitement, it's the shootout at the Red Circle that really puts it over the top, and I find it worthy of inclusion on this list.  In fact, I seriously debated ranking it higher, but the #5 spot will have to do.

. . .

Stay tuned, peeps--there are some classic movies coming up on this list, as well as a cult classic and a personal favorite at #1 that will have my coolest readers nodding their heads in agreement while everyone else wonders if I've gone cuckoo*.

*Pretty sure that happened sometime during the 80s.  Yes, I was only a child then, but it was the 80s.