Short Attention Span Review: Ouija (2014)

Utterly predictable and populated by some of the dumbest characters you'll ever find in a horror movie, Ouija is one of those flicks that still manages to entertain.  It's silly, it never strays from the formula, and it doesn't do anything new or inventive, but it is enjoyable if you don't mind watching stupid people suffer.  The ghoulish hijinks start when a couple of naive teenagers start messing with a ouija board and fail to follow the rules.  Every time they break out the ouija board, things get worse, yet they always respond to the gruesome tragedies that ensue by getting together again and busting out the ouija board.  "Guys, Debbie bit the dust last night after dicking around with the ouija board.  We have to get together tonight and dick around with the ouija board."  Cue horror movie antics.  Then the gang gets together the next day and it's like, "Guys, Isabelle bit the dust last night after we dicked around with the ouija board.  We have to get together tonight and dick around with the ouija board again."  I'm not exaggerating, that's essentially the plot for Ouija.  Not only that, but these brilliant teenagers (who I can't help but envy as there is never anything resembling adult supervision in their lives) insist on playing with the ouija board in the dark in houses where people recently suffered sinister demises.  Yet there are some decent jump scares to be had and the mood and music are serviceable.  I watched this one with my wife and my sister-in-law, and while I chuckled and sipped my bourbon they acted as though we had been transported back to 1973 to watch The Exorcist in one of those theaters where people were allegedly passing out and running for the exits.  The conclusion was as obvious as everything else about Ouija, but it worked.  If it sounds like I'm hating on this one, I'm not; the picture itself wasn't any smarter than the characters in it, but it was enjoyable.  Some horror movies work because you strongly identify with the leads and their struggles and you're drawn into a riveting story.  Some work because the leads are idiots and it's somewhat comical watching them stumble from one big scare to the next.  Count Ouija among the latter.  In closing, don't expect a classic--just pop some popcorn and have a few chuckles with this one.

Final Grade: C

This particular moment represents dumb mistake #19 for Laine (Olivia Cooke).

Short Attention Span Review: Pain & Gain (2013)

Let's get this out of the way before we go any further: this movie is based on a true story, and the only thing more twisted than what really happened is the idea of turning that story into a comedy.  Stranger still, it's directed by Michael Bay doing all of his usual Michael Bay shit.  Yes, that means a lot of slo-mo and an abundance of classic rock propping us this sicko true crime story.  There were so many times during the movie that I couldn't help but wonder "Is it wrong to laugh at this stuff?"  Honestly, I'm pretty sure it was--but the movie kept making me laugh.  Is it great?  Lord no.  It's not even close.  In fact, it's pretty damn average, mainly because it's definitely too long and all of the primary characters are amusing but impossible to root for.  The movie is centered on Mark Wahlberg's character, and he does a fine job with the most difficult part.  Anthony Mackie was also really good in his role, but if there's one reason to see this, it's the Rock.  No one has ever done a better job of playing a reformed con/cokehead with a Jesus jones as he slips back into a life a crime and rampant abuse of the powerful drug (if you don't believe me, just ask Rick James) that is cocaine, all while clinging to his Jesus jones.  Virtually all of the movie's biggest laughs and better sequences are a result of the Rock flexing his acting muscles, and while I can't recommend this movie wholeheartedly, I would love to see him do something in a similar vein. 

Final Grade: C

Final Grade for the Rock's Performance: A+

Freaky Friday

Shortly after breakfast, I took a social media lap, and here's what I learned:

Ted Nugent is about to kick off a new tour.  It's called Ted Nugent Black Power 2013.
That is not a joke, that is actual news.  Well, maybe it's actual news and a joke all rolled into one, but I digress.

Megan Fox will play April in Michael Bay's TMNT film.  Some are already saying she will contend for an Oscar.  Seriously, wasn't she calling Michael Bay a nazi just a bit ago?  Yeah, money can move mountains.  So can trying to make a living as an actress if you have a hard time acting.  But Michael Bay doesn't need acting.  He just needs to blow shit up.  If you think that's silly, don't argue with me, argue with the man's bank account.   

The Iron Man 3 promo team has released a new character poster for Ben Kingsley, and he looks like the Orient's coolest pimp.  I'm having a hard time with Ben as The Mandarin and this didn't help matters.