Short Attention Span Review - Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

Short Attention Span Review - Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

It is hard to look back at this one without acknowledging the tragedy that occurred during the making of the film, with Vic Morrow and two child actors perishing in a helicopter accident that also injured at least half a dozen others.  In addition to the heartbreaking toll, there were allegations of negligence, lengthy legal battles, and settlements, all of which only underscores how much this sad occurrence impacted the industry as a whole, much less the movie in question.  Still, I want to rate this one based on its merits, and while it is decidedly a mixed bag, it is a nice homage to the classic television show that has such an incredible legacy in the realm of science fiction.  There are four tales and a wraparound to consider, with the wraparound and the first story coming from John Landis.  The wraparound is one of my favorite things about the picture, and the first story is maybe the most powerful given the potent subject matter--and, unfortunately, it also carries a bit more weight because it is the segment wherein tragedy struck during the making of Twilight Zone: The Movie.  The second entry comes from none other than the mighty Spielberg, but I feel that it is the least striking.  The director goes heavy on whimsy and melancholy and he surely engineers a touching piece.  Hey, I love a nice feel-good moment as much as anyone, but it just doesn't fit with the vibe of the series as a whole (it is more in the Amazing Stories vein, which makes sense, I guess), and it is definitely at odds with the tone of this movie.  The third tale is a serious powerhouse from Joe Dante, and it is absolutely incredible, though George Miller somehow raised the bar with the final segment.  It is his "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet" that the picture is best known for, and that piece hasn't lost any of its considerable momentum and tension.  It is a true masterpiece within the anthology format, and it should forever ensure this film of a legacy of its own in spite of its troubled history.  As a whole, Twilight Zone: The Movie is a gripping odyssey that is worthy of its title, and it offers viewers four unique journeys into a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind.

Final Grade: B-

None of the stories are bad, and three of the four are certainly worthwhile.  There can be little doubt, however, that the fourth and final entry in this anthology soars above the others.

Short Attention Span Review: Brawl in Cell Block 99

Short Attention Span Review: Brawl in Cell Block 99

Fucking wow.  I'm totally blown away.  Brawl in Cell Block 99 is a delirious nightmare masquerading as an action film.  A slow boil that ultimately explodes with some truly bone-crunching* action, this is a real find.  Hot on the heels of Bone Tomahawk, this picture clearly marks director Craig Zahler as a force to be reckoned with.  Well-plotted and deftly captured, this grim descent into carnage propelled by bad decisions born of good intentions is nothing if not relentless.  Star Vince Vaughn utterly disappears in the lead role, bringing a subdued version of his trademark wit to bear in a few well-placed moments that wind up being as bleak as they are comical.  The brutality and the sheer physicality that he brings to the part surely paint this as a transformational showcase, and Vince is money throughout.  True story: he's an ultimate badass in this one.  By the end, you may just find yourself thinking that he could kick the shit out of Conan the Barbarian if he had to--and that's not a statement this Robert E. Howard devotee would make lightly.  Brawl in Cell Block 99 is not for the squeamish, but if you don't count yourself among the squeamish and you're looking for a badass thrill ride, you need to watch this shit now.

*No, seriously: bone-crunching.  The phrase "bone-crunching" gets thrown around a lot in regards to action movies, but this is different.  Bones are crunched.  A lot.  In ways you've never seen before.  Totally gnarly, peeps.


Final Grade: A

Vince Vaughn slays it in the uber-violent and thoroughly malevolent version of Get Hard.

Short Attention Span Review - Jurassic World (2015)

I think that Jurassic Park was probably a better movie than Jurassic World, but the latest film in this beloved franchise has to be the biggest spectacle that the series has produced thus far.  We've essentially traded a stellar ensemble cast featuring Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, and Laura Dern for Chris Pratt (who is almost as cool here as he was in Guardians of the Galaxy) and a few big names like Bryce Dallas Howard and Vincent D'Onofrio in supporting roles.  There's also a different recipe in play--Jurassic Park was three parts suspense and one part mind-blowing carnage, while Jurassic World doesn't necessarily abandon the suspense but surely ramps up the dinosaur mayhem in pursuit of maximum carnage.  While I felt that the chemistry between Pratt and Howard was a bit forced and the plot in general wasn't quite as fresh (or plausible), Jurassic World is definitely a big winner in terms of entertainment.  Pratt shines throughout, and the script keeps his character busy by placing him in one terrifying predicament after another.  Also, he may not be Spielberg, but Colin Trevorrow's direction is rock solid, and I liked the score by Michael Giacchino, particularly when it paid homage to the original theme from the wonderful John Williams.  In truth, Jurassic World is everything we hope for in a summer blockbuster.  There's an intriguing premise that requires likable characters to battle incredible odds.  The picture draws us in before it starts wreaking havoc, and the climax is rather epic.  I liked Jurassic World a lot, and while I don't think I can peg it as the best film in this series, I am certain that it was the biggest and the most enjoyable.  The effects are amazing and Chris Pratt is a fantastic lead, making this a grand adventure with impressive scope that definitely ranks as one of 2015's best movies.

Final Grade: A

Chirs Pratt is a quality hero and this Jurassic adventure boasts a wealth of savage dinosaur action.

Short Attention Span Review - Salem's Lot (1979)

While the decision to go with a Nosferatu type vampire is a wild departure from Stephen King's novel, the 1979 television adaptation of Salem's Lot still succeeds in bringing that terrifying book to life.  There are other differences and this miniseries is surely vastly inferior to the vampire-filled pageturner that I rank as King's best, but it still has a lot going for it.  David Soul doesn't look anything like the main character that King described, a haunted writer named Ben Mears, but he excels in the role.  I think his presence is perhaps the most impressive thing about this adaptation, though the ghastly Marsten House is also beautifully realized.  The effects are solid throughout and the score is sheer perfection.  Soul is surrounded by worthy performers like James Mason, Bonnie Bedelia, Elisha Cook Jr., George Dzundza, and Geoffrey Lewis, among others.  In addition to putting together a nifty cast, this production also nailed the quaint setting of Jerusalem's Lot, a neat little town that is drained of all life by the horrors that lurk in this imaginative shocker.  When King wrote the book, he set out to bring Dracula to Maine, and that premise works as well on the screen as it did on the page.  The 2004 remake starring Rob Lowe was downright dreadful, but I'm a big fan of this 1979 spookshow from the mind of the most demented author of our time.  As with any of King's adaptations (and adaptations in general), the book is better, but Tobe Hooper's take on Salem's Lot is cool, creepy, and lots of fun.

Final Grade: B

Though he looks nothing like the character that Stephen King described, David
Soul's work as Ben Mears is the biggest strength of this TV mini-series from 1979.

Short Attention Span Review: City of the Living Dead (1980)

Widely celebrated as a filmmaker who greatly enjoyed showering his audience with gore, Lucio Fulci was also incredibly talented when it came to establishing mood.  His movies also benefited from quality cinematography and unique plots.  City of the Living Dead is a great example of just what Fulci was capable of.  It is incredibly disgusting at times, so disgusting, in fact, that several sequences are truly difficult to watch.  It is also incredibly creepy, and the sinister mood deepens as the kooky story progresses.  Fulci seldom had the privilege of working with a stellar cast, but City of the Living Dead features Christopher George and Catriona MacColl as a mismatched pair of strangers who set out on a spooky trip to save the world.  They shine in this demented gem, and the supporting cast does a nifty job with the gruesome material as well.  Now, Fulci was always more interested in taking audiences on a ride than maintaining plausibility, so this blood-splattered oddity does include a few plot holes and some random crazy shit like teleporting zombies, people bleeding from their eyes and then puking out their intestines, and maggot showers.  The score is ominous, accentuating a number of tense moments that make all the brutal demises sprinkled throughout the picture that much more intense when they arrive.  City of the Living Dead isn't a great horror film, but it's very effective.  It's a strange zombie film with a bit of a Lovecraft vibe and a lot of energy.  It's not Fulci's best film, but it is one of his better offerings, and those who enjoy this sort of material should definitely take a little trip to the City of the Living Dead.  Just make sure to pack a barf-bag. 

Final Grade: C+

In City of the Living Dead, once the bleeding from the eyes begins,
watch out--things are about to get incredibly disgusting.

Short Attention Span Review - Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Believe the hype.  The latest film from the incredibly talented George Miller is an action movie unlike any other.  I was expecting big things from the newest Mad Max adventure, and I wasn't at all disappointed by this grand and chaotic film.  The picture is essentially one big chase and the delirious action that it delivers from start to finish is unlike anything you've ever seen before.  Moving at a breakneck pace and populated with wild characters and their twisted vehicles, the experience is a bit exhausting, but it is also 100% entertaining.  The score is ripe, the carnage is downright intoxicating, and I don't know what more we could possibly expect from a movie called Fury Road.  I was really keen on all the girl power that Miller inserted into the mix and the cinema goddess known as Charlize Theron totally killed it as Furiosa.  This movie belonged to her as much as it belonged to Tom Hardy as Max, and if she didn't outshine him, . . . well, we'll have to call it a draw.  Both were incredible and badass and as much as Miller's robust imagination is to thank for this maniacal blockbuster, it may well have faltered without the benefit of such an impeccable cast.  Nicholas Hoult was astounding, totally losing himself in the part of Nux, and it was great to see Hugh Keays-Byrne (he played the villainous Toecutter in the original Mad Max way back in 1979) as the heavy, a colorful and imposing lunatic called Immortan Joe.  While it may be a bit simplistic in terms of plot, Mad Max: Fury Road is as invigorating and bold as any movie that we've ever been blessed with.  If you're looking for a killer movie to blow your mind as the summer draws to a close, you need to take to take a spin with Mad Max and Furiosa.  Oh, and be sure to buckle up--it's going to be one hell of a ride.

Final Grade: A

Let's put it like this: if one were to refer to Mad Max: Fury Road as gleefully
over-the-top and excessively violent, that would definitely be an understatement. 

Short Attention Span Review: Critters (1986)

Unfairly labelled a Gremlins clone upon release, Critters is a quirky horror film with a talented cast and groovy special effects.  It borrows from several movies but remains original and entertaining from start to finish.  At times it is a little creepy, at times it is certainly thrilling, and there's a lot of humor sprinkled throughout.  The plot finds a handful of alien furballs with lots of teeth terrorizing a likable family at their farm.  There are a pair of alien bounty hunters who can look like anyone hot on the trail of these borderline cute/decidedly vicious furballs.  The critters roll around and wreak havoc at the farm with glee, while the somewhat dimwitted and extremely destructive bounty hunters damn near ruin the entire town looking for them.  The humans caught in the mix include Scott Grimes (who recently nailed a decent part on the final season of Justified) as Brad, a mischievous young boy who digs firecrackers.  His mother and father are played by Dee Wallace Stone and Billy Green Bush, and they make the most of their parts.  There's also Don Keith Opper as the crazy guy who helps out at the farm and the always reliable M. Emmet Walsh as the baffled sheriff.  Those viewers who are expecting a bloody romp may be a bit disappointed with the minimal body count, but anyone expecting a lighthearted picture will be taken aback by the violence and language.  It's a kooky flick and it may be underrated simply because it's hard to determine exactly what audience the filmmakers were aiming for.  Critters is a bit too rough to be kiddie fare and many adults will find it too silly to enjoy.  However, those who like a zany creature feature and anyone who shares my enthusiasm for 80s horror movies will have a blast with this one. 

Final Grade: B+

Dee Wallace Stone shows some range, going from loving mother to
scared mother before finally arriving at angry mother/critter-slaying machine.

Short Attention Span Review: The Relic (1996)

It's an old story: a great book goes to Hollywood and becomes the basis for a lesser movie.  What can I say?  The best stories are told on paper and they can't always be transferred to the big screen without losing a little something along the way.  Sometimes they lose a lot.  Yet there are cases--like The Relic--where the book is so incredible that even a lukewarm adaptation makes for an entertaining show.  While it is surely a far cry from the book, to include the absence of the novel's main character and a far less impressive conclusion, The Relic still works in a variety of ways.  The mood and the sets are top-notch and the very idea of setting a creature feature in a museum (which is poised to debut a new exhibit entitled "Superstition") gives the picture a slick and creepy vibe.  The cast (Penelope Ann Miller and Tom Sizemore are the stars, and the wonderful Linda Hunt makes the most of her role) is on point and the direction c/o Peter Hyams is equal parts ominous and exciting.  Stan Winston provided a stellar design for the monster and most of the effects are solid.  The Relic also benefits from holding off on showing us the beast that roams the halls of the museum until the closing reel, generating a lot of suspense on the way to the grand finale.  Unfortunately, the biggest failing from the effects team comes during the climax of the picture, . . . and that's a real bummer.  Honestly, if there were no book to compare this film to and the final confrontation with the fearsome creature that causes so much havoc along the way wasn't bungled, this would be classic horror fare.  As it is, it's well worth a watch in spite of its flaws, and viewers who dig horror should be able to sink their teeth into this one.  It's not the horror movie equivalent of a good steak, but a decent burger will do in a pinch.

Final Grade: C

Great sets are among the movie's many strengths.

Short Attention Span Review: Kingsman (2014)

Is Kingsman the best film that was released in 2014?  I'm certainly willing to entertain that notion.  This is a movie that will provide viewers who aren't easily offended with a plethora of thrills, chuckles, and some of the zaniest and most visceral action sequences ever seen.  It comes c/o gifted English filmmaker and producer Matthew Vaughn and boasts a number of stars (Michael Caine, Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Firth, and Mark Strong) as well as a number of spunky new arrivals (most notably Taron Egerton and Sophie Cookson).  The picture is somewhat of a James Bond satire on speed, complete with a maniacal villain (Jackson) armed with an evil plot that threatens the world (bonus points: he also has a badass sidekick), a clandestine agency with a wealth of high-tech gadgets, and some of the most inventive action bits you're apt to see.  There are plenty of laughs and surprises in the mix, and though Kingsman frequently pays homage to the pictures that inspired it, it remains fresh and exciting.  There isn't a dull moment to be had and viewers will find themselves absorbed in the colorful plot and invested in the characters and their efforts to save the day--or remake the planet in their own image.  Colin Firth's dapper gent is an ultimate badass.  Samuel L. Jackson's demented madman can't stand the sight of blood.  Taron Egerton is a plucky street kid who knows a good pug when he sees one (well, kind of . . . ) and this unlikely hero may just have to save the world in the closing reel.  To say that I enjoyed Kingsman immensely would be a bit of an understatement.  I honestly felt that the picture was rather sublime; it isn't often that you see something that is charmingly familiar yet so bold and different--or something  that is fun, vibrant, and absolutely thrilling in equal measures.  Kingsman is a splendid effort that shouldn't be missed.  After all, you don't want to piss off Colin Firth, do you?  Trust me: you don't.

Final Grade: A+

Colin Firth loses his cool in what may be the most violent
action scene ever filmed.  Yes, you read that correctly. 
People underestimate Colin Firth at their own peril.

Short Attention Span Review - Machete Kills (2013)

The first Machete from 2010 was a dark and gruesome nod to hardcore 80s action films, which were equal parts hardcore and ludicrous.  Need proof?  Take another look at Stallone in Cobra, a film which is damn near as silly as anything Robert Rodriguez could ever dream up.  Surprisingly, this sequel is more of a send-up of James Bond's sci-fi adventures--though the outer space intrigue is surely cross-pollinated with that 80s action vibe that the director is so fond of.  Bolder, far more obnoxious, and ten times as absurd as its predecessor, Machete Kills is an utterly ridiculous motion picture that nearly crumbles under the weight of all the insanity splattered across the screen.  Yet everyone involved is clearly having a blast, and viewers who don't expect anything more from Machete Kills than a goofy good time will surely be entertained.  Note: if you're expecting something more from Machete Kills, that's a you-problem, not a Machete Kills-problem.  I don't know where they found that Carlos Estevez guy, but he was awesome as the president, and Mel Gibson was a terrific villain.  The best part in the picture may have belonged to Demian Bichir as a schizophrenic who constantly veers from noble good guy to crazed villain as his various personalities rage across the scene.  Of course, Rodriguez has always been down with girl power, and Michelle Rodriguez and Amber Heard are both incredibly badass (and hot) in this action/sci-fi mash-up.  The score is fantastic, the laughs are frequent, and while the picture is totally bonkers, it somehow manages to keep the viewer interested while gleefully going overboard with cartoonish violence and loads of gore.  I loved Grindhouse, I dug Machete (was Fahey badass or what?), and Machete Kills was another fun flick from the modern master of grindhouse filmmaking. 

Final Grade: B

Bonus Points: There was a brief homage to The Road Warrior that made me stand up and applaud.

Everyone has a good time in Machete Kills.

Short Attention Span Review - Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

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Since I recently reviewed the first two movies in the Terminator series, I decided to take another look at Terminator 3 this weekend.  While it's vastly inferior to its predecessors, it's also vastly superior to Terminator: Salvation, and I do enjoy it.  Some people probably hate all the humor, but that's one of my favorite things about this one.  That and the ridiculous car chase.  I'm not so keen on Nick Stahl as John Connor, though Claire Danes is always a joy to watch.  I definitely think that Kristanna Loken killed it as the T-X, the anti-Terminator Terminator.  The downbeat nature of the piece doesn't mesh well with Arnold constantly winking at the camera, and some of the later action scenes are a bit underwhelming.  So Terminator 3 is a bit of a mixed bag and it never ventures anywhere near the greatness of The Terminator or T2, but Arnold does his job well and most of the action is worthwhile.  It's not must-see entertainment, but fans of this sort of material should get a kick out of it. 

Final Grade: C

He's back!

Short Attention Span Review: Blade (1998)

I'm not sure that Blade gets enough love these days.  I hear people talking about the number of box office hits that are based on comic book properties, and many seem to think that either the X-Men or Spider-Man really got things rolling for Marvel.  I have to disagree.  It was Wesley Snipes at his charismatic and ass-kicking best, looking cool and killing lots and lots of vampires in Blade.  Having recently sat down to rewatch this 1998 smash hit, I can tell you that it still has a lot of bite.  Snipes is perfect as the titular hero, and I feel bad for whoever is picked to fill his shoes when the inevitable reboot of this potent franchise arrives.  Kris Kristofferson borrows a page from the "cranky Nick Nolte" playbook and nails the part of our hero's gruff mentor, while Stephen Dorff shines as the villain.  The direction courtesy of Stephen Norrington is damn impressive, and the script by David S. Goyer is surely one of his better offerings.  Blade is an exciting blend of horror and action with a nice helping of martial arts mayhem.  In the years since it was produced, we've seen a number of horror/action hybrids hit the big screen.  I don't think that any of them are as entertaining as Blade, though the first Underworld comes close to rivaling this stellar picture.  Blade is a badass movie that is aging well and I am happy to recommend it to those who enjoy my blog.

Final Grade: A

Wesley Snipes is at his very best in Blade.

Short Attention Spane Review - Justice League: Throne of Atlantis (2015)

While Marvel has kicked DC's ass all over the big screen for years now, DC has consistently produced better animated features.  That trend continues with Justice League: Throne of Atlantis, a surprisingly good movie that places Aquaman front and center.  If you just groaned, I feel you.  Aquaman jokes are old hat, and I too initially avoided this one because I just couldn't imagine a tale focused on him being all that good.  Well, I must admit, Throne of Atlantis actually wound up being one of the better animated movies from DC that I've had the pleasure of viewing.  I wouldn't put it up there with a true gem like Flashpoint, but it was highly entertaining.  To be fair, while Aquaman was the man of the hour, the rest of the Justice League were provided with a lot of screen time and therefore this was far from a solo affair.  Batman wound up being the biggest badass in the movie (yawn), but all of the big guns were allowed to shine.  Throne of Atlantis only runs 72 minutes, so it moves at a fast pace and boasts a lot of action and just enough character development to give the piece some weight.  At the end of the day, it felt like the primary thrust of the picture was to welcome Aquaman into the fold and present him as a major player (I reckon that the powers that be at DC aren't big fans of Aquaman jokes) and it certainly managed to do that.  Ideally, Jason Momoa will be able to make an even bigger splash as Arthur Curry when he tackles the role for Zack Snyder.  Regardless, I had a good time with Throne of Atlantis and I think that anyone who likes this type of fare will not be disappointed by it.

Final Grade: B

Color me surprised--Aquaman isn't a total nerd after all.

The Onion Field by Joseph Wambaugh (from 1973)

I greatly enjoy Joseph Wambaugh's work, but his non-fiction books hit me a lot harder than his fiction.  Truthfully, my favorite fiction novels by this cop-turned-author are titles like The Choirboys and The New Centurions, books which seem to be a bit more authentic than some of his more robust offerings.  It's not that he doesn't write well, and I can see where his more entertaining yarns could represent a much-needed departure from the darker territory he tends to cover in his efforts to chronicle actual events.  Yet there's a potency to his non-fiction that cannot be equaled.  I'm being 100% sincere when I say that I can't imagine any author from any era writing a better account of a crime or the efforts of the police to combat the lesser elements of our society.  His impeccable research, his keen understanding of human nature, and his ability to present such tales from all angles are all downright inspiring.  Few writers can tell such stories with Wambaugh's amazing attention to detail without bogging the prose down.  Like Fire Lover, The Blooding, or my personal favorite, Lines and Shadows, The Onion Field is never anything less than riveting even as it digs deeper and deeper into a sadistic crime and the incredibly complicated trials that followed.  At once a deeply personal tale of loss and guilt, it also stands as a powerful rebuke of the legal process.  Those who feel that the courts are far more interested in the rights and the welfare of criminals will only be further embittered by this haunting tale of a fine system gone mad.  A noble cop is killed in cold blood and the guilt of the responsible parties is never in doubt, yet the efforts of the defense to prolong and even sabotage the ensuing trials transform a burning quest for justice into a genuine fiasco.  Sadly, there are moments when the courtroom proceedings become so absurd that the passages wherein the author details those shenanigans wind up being somewhat comical.  The Onion Field has it all: a wealth of drama, powerful characterizations, and a heartbreaking combination of destiny and tragedy.  It is a remarkable piece of writing that is ripe with emotion and will leave readers asking difficult questions and pondering monumental issues.

Final Grade: A+

Short Attention Span Review: Firefox (1981)

Firefox is another curious entry in Eastwood's filmography.  While no one was better at portraying hardened gunslingers, be they cowboys or cops, he was never opposed to trying his hand at something new and different.  Firefox is a special effects treat from 1981 that stars Clint as a troubled pilot who is thrust into a daring bit of Cold War espionage despite suffering from some serious PTSD.  It seems that the Russians have assembled a visionary aircraft and the U.S. is determined to steal this plane in the name of all that is fair and good.  Surprisingly, while the early stages of the picture lead one to think that this movie won't really take off until Clint gains control of the titular aircraft, it's actually the cat-and-mouse game between Eastwood and the KGB that takes place prior to the big dogfight at the end that makes Firefox worthwhile.  Now, to be fair, once the movie takes to the air, we're treated to some thrilling aerial warfare and the special effects are solid.  It's just that the intense and grim second act of the film is far more riveting and dramatic.  Eastwood directed the film with flair and while there aren't any other major stars in the mix, Firefox is loaded with potent performances.  I thought Warren Clarke was nothing short of sensational as Pavel, a gruff ally who sacrifices everything for Clint's mission even though he doesn't seem all that impressed with Clint himself.  In the end, Firefox isn't typical Eastwood fare, but he does a fine job as the lead.  I like the fact that the character he plays is engaged in a fierce battle with his inner demons as that makes him far more intriguing than most of the dependable heroes featured in similar pictures.  This may not be one of Clint's best efforts, but it's still an exciting motion picture that benefits from his charisma and his passion for filmmaking.

Final Grade: C+

Firefox is a serviceable thriller despite the fact that the events leading up to
Eastwood climbing inside the titular aircraft are far more exciting
than the big finale that ensues once he's in the cockpit.

Short Attention Span Review: The Boogens (1981)

Short Attention Span Review: The Boogens (1981)

Warning: I'm giving to give The Boogens a much better grade than it truly deserves.  I'm going to do this because I was entirely too young when I first saw it and it had quite an impact on my impressionable young mind.  In my defense, Stephen King is apparently a big fan of the picture as well, so cheesy rubber monster effects aside, it can't be all that bad.  The Boogens is a creative and well-plotted horror film that generates a great many chills and thrills, particularly in the first two acts.  That's because early on the filmmakers go to great lengths to avoid showing the monsters, and the eerie scenes and jarring moments that they produce toward that end are far more riveting than the big finale that puts the creatures on clear display.  Now, to be fair, the effects in The Boogens aren't terrible.  This isn't Wes Craven's Swamp Thing, after all.  The blood and the various wounds that present themselves are handled well and the monsters benefit from a wild design even if their overall execution is a bit lackluster.  So, the special effects aren't all that special--it's okay, there are a few worthwhile horror films that suffer from that disease and The Boogens still has a lot going for it.  I think James L. Conway did a fantastic job with the direction and the score by Bob Summers is a real winner.  The opening titles sequence is a bit of a minor masterpiece so far as opening titles sequences for obscure horror films go, and I like the cast.  The pace is nice, the atmosphere is tight, and no one would accuse this one of being boring.  The Boogens is a fun picture from my youth that boasts a few good scares.  Honestly, I treasure this movie, and it has to be noted that encountering tales such as this at such an early age surely played a major role in my lifelong fascination with things that go bump in the dark.  If you're looking for a classic monster flick, opt for John Carpenter's The Thing, which sits atop that mountain.  However, if you're in the mood for something fun and kooky, something that will make you jump once or twice and chuckle a lot, heed my advice and hang out with The Boogens.

Final Grade: B

True Story: I'm not sure how old I was when I first watched The Boogens,
but I certainly wasn't old enough for this type of material.   This particular
scene gave me a profound fear of being yanked beneath a vehicle
and devoured by a rubber monster. 

Short Attention Span Review: The 13th Warrior (1999)

I've always felt that this was one of those cases where a film with a troubled production was judged as much for the woes the filmmakers encountered during filming as for the picture itself.  While there can be no doubt that the shooting of the movie was anything but routine, the end result is a stirring affair that I greatly enjoy.  I should note a few things just so that we're clear, however, for I may be a bit biased:

1) Michael Crichton is one of my favorite authors. 
2) Antonio Banderas is one of my favorite actors.
3) I'm a sucker for movies like this. 

Having said all that, I still think that The 13th Warrior is a nifty film with a number of worthy performances and several exciting setpieces to go along with a gripping plot.  I've been down with Banderas since Desperado and this is one of his most entertaining roles.  He is surrounded by other talented actors who also nail their roles, most notably Vladimir Kulich as Buliwyf and Dennis Storhoi as Herger.  As far as adapting Crichton's neat little take on Beowulf is concerned, this is one of the more faithful efforts to bring this legendary author's work to the big screen that I have seen.  Bonus points: Eaters of the Dead was one of his coolest books.  The 13th Warrior is the story of an exiled Arab who must join forces with a band of rugged northmen as they embark on a journey to lend a besieged kingdom aid from a fearsome menace.  As such, it is packed with action, suspense, and intrigue.  The characters are likable, the enemies are gruesome, and The 13th Warrior races along at a brisk pace.  There's some quality gore in the mix and the realistic yet entertaining approach to the various battles presented throughout is highly effective.  I have read a great many reviews where critics ruthlessly trashed this picture, and I can't help but note that most of those reviews were more interested in the reshoots with Michael Crichton at the helm as opposed to director John McTiernan and the amount of time the film spent on the shelf prior to being released in 1999.  Don't be dissuaded by these critiques, as the movie's complicated making won't impact your ability to enjoy it.  Those who sit down to watch The 13th Warrior are rewarded with a riveting action flick featuring a hardened crew of robust heroes banding together against a most diabolical foe.  What's not to love?

Final Grade: B+

I'm a big fan of Antonio Banderas and I think it's very possible that
The 13th Warrior is the best film that he has starred in.

Short Attention Span Review: T2 (1991)

Schwarzenegger returned to one of his most thrilling roles in 1991, but this time out his Terminator got to be the hero of the picture.  I actually think the first Terminator movie is more entertaining primarily due to Arnold's magnificent presence as the villain, a vicious machine programmed to kill, and the lean runtime doesn't hurt either.  Having said that, those who claim this bigger and far more dramatic sequel is superior to the original certainly have a strong case.  This isn't just one of Schwarzenegger's better movies, it's definitely one of the best action movies ever produced.  The effects are incredible, the choreography is splendid, and the performances are top-notch.  It is a bit long, but it never drags--the movie is overflowing with riveting sequences that must be seen to be believed.  Arnold's fearsome Terminator is now programmed to protect John Connor (Edward Furlong in perhaps his only role of note, though I thought Brainscan was okay) from a more advanced killer machine from the future.  This new baddie, the T-1000 (played to perfection by the underrated Robert Patrick), is a shapeshifting and seemingly invincible assassin made of "liquid metal."  The creativity that James Cameron brought to the table provides this frightening nemesis with an abundance of cool things to do and Stan Winston's supreme effects work was nothing short of amazing.  Upon its release, T2 was widely regarded as the finest special effects extravaganza ever lensed, and it has certainly aged well--it still towers above most science fiction movies, to include many recent releases from major studios.  The chases and throwdowns that populate the picture are executed to terrific effect and there are few directors who could depict such carnage as well as Cameron.  I prefer The Terminator but I can't take anything away from T2, it's a terrific successor that is surely worthy of all the praise and acclaim that it has generated over the years.

Final Grade: A

T2 isn't just one of Schwarzenegger's best movies,
it's one of the best action movies of all time.

Short Attention Span Review: Silent Rage (1982)

An attempt to blend a slasher film with a Chuck Norris action flick, Silent Rage is surely a mixed bag, but it is a highly entertaining mixed bag.  It does many things extremely well and it does many things just as poorly.  Thankfully, it starts and finishes with grand flourishes and this makes the movie's shortcomings easier to digest.  In the interest of full disclosure, I will note that some of these shortcomings do venture into the realm of unintentional comedy; the romantic subplot is a genuine disaster, and the Stephen Furst stuff* is damn near unbearable.  However, the horror bits are both the backbone and the best parts of Silent Rage.  In addition to some quality suspense and a handful of nifty jolts, the slasher aspect of the picture yields several wicked action scenes pitting our man Chuck against a murderous madman who cannot be killed.  Of course, there's also a totally needless subplot pitting Chuck against a biker gang in the early going that leads to one quality brawl but ultimately seems out of place.  Like I said at the start, it's a mixed bag.  After that rock solid opening sequence, the movie flounders until psycho killer John Kirby (played by Brian Libby) rises from the dead as the result of a forbidden experiment gone awry.  This unstoppable madman proceeds to wreak havoc and there's a significant portion of Silent Rage where Kirby stalks Ron Silver (in a rare sympathetic role) and his wife.  These sequences are incredibly intense and boast the film's biggest scare.  There's a bit of cat-and-mouse shortly thereafter in a hospital that is also riveting, and the big finale is very satisfying.  The final shot is a standard genre trick, but it is executed to perfection and ends the film on a horrific note.  If the movie were more focused on delivering on its premise and less interested in forcing romance and comedy into the mix, Silent Rage might have been a minor classic.  As it is, it still stands as one of Chuck's very best, and I would honestly rate this one as my favorite movie in his catalog given my horror jones and the strength of the parts of the movie that work.

Final Grade: B+

*As Charlie the dopey deputy, Stephen Furst bombs in a big way.  His efforts at providing comedic relief fall flat and the very presence of his character is easily the movie's biggest shortcoming.  I can't be the only one who shakes my head at the way Chuck Norris constantly assures this poor excuse for a human being that he has what it takes to be a good lawman.  Making matters worse, the end result of this exercise in poor judgment is a gruesome demise for Charlie that subsequently requires Chuck to tenderly cradle the big dumbass in his arms for a tearful goodbye.  If you can imagine that scene being anything less than an affront to acting, you have a fabulous imagination and you should definitely start your own blog.

Chuck Norris may be the film's big selling point, but the tense and
frightening aspects of Silent Rage are the picture's biggest strengths.

Short Attention Span Review: Prince of Darkness (1987)

Prince of Darkness is one of horror maestro John Carpenter's most underrated fright flicks, which is a bit surprising to me as I feel that it is easily his most terrifying movie.  It isn't a big budget affair, but that doesn't lessen the impact of this nightmarish battle between good and evil.  The cast is game, the effects are solid, and the plot is gripping.  The movie slowly unfolds, steadily growing in intensity on the way to a hellish crescendo, and the final frame is one of Carpenter's finest moments.  The picture may not boast as many jump scares as the legendary director's biggest hits do, and the sinister nature of Prince of Darkness doesn't really allow for much in the way of his trademark wit, but this one does do everything possible to get under your skin.  In that regard, it is incredibly successful, and there are a number of scenes that will stick with you long after you're done watching it.  The nightmare sequences are particularly noteworthy, striking a surreal tone that is brimming with dread and terror.  The score is another gem from this superb director and composer, and it's nothing if not appropriate for the material.  It's a bit subdued and it builds slowly, drawing the viewer into a stark web of terror--just like the film itself.  Donald Pleasence hams it up a bit as a weary priest, but he's terrific as always and his boisterous performance is a welcome presence in this grim affair.  Jameson Parker does a fine job as the lead, and while he doesn't necessarily light up the screen, it certainly seems as though he warranted more attention from the industry.  Alice Cooper is on hand for a nice part that's really more of a cameo, and Dennis Dun (who killed it as Wang in Carpenter's beloved cult classic Big Trouble in Little China) is also a joy to watch in Prince of Darkness.  There's a scene where he loses his shit that stands as one of my favorite Carpenter moments, and I'm a bit of a Carpenter devotee*.  If you somehow missed this one, don't fret, you're not alone.  However, if you're a fan of the spooky stuff, you owe it to yourself to check it out.  It's not my favorite John Carpenter film, but it's a damn fine motion picture that will scare the hell out of you.

Final Grade: A+

*But you already knew that.  If you didn't, you must have missed these blogs:
Top 5 John Carpenter Films
Top 5 Main Themes from John Carpenter Films

Prince of Darkness isn't my favorite John Carpenter movie,
but it is his most frightening motion picture.