I'm a big fan of the drive-in, probably because some of my earliest memories are of watching classics like Flash Gordon, Conan the Barbarian, and The Deep at the drive-in with my parents when I was a tiny little guy. Now, I have my own tiny little people to care for, and fortunately for my wife and I, we live in Ridgeway. That means we're only twenty minutes from Eden, North Carolina and the Eden Drive-In, which is definitely one of my favorite places.
This weekend, they were showing Man of Steel and World War Z, and there was no way that we were going to miss out on that. So, we packed a cooler full of goodies, loaded the kids in the van, hit up Cook-Out for some great food, and made our way to the drive-in. How were the movies? Well, here are my thoughts:
Man of Steel
The Good: The cast was awesome. Henry Cavill is no Christopher Reeve, but he was a great fit for the part. Russell Crowe nearly stole the show in a limited role, and Kevin Costner was equally potent in an even smaller part. Diane Lane never misses, and Amy Adams was okay as Lois Lane. I dig Michael Shannon, and he did a nice job as the heavy, General Zod. However, Terence Stamp was far superior in that role, though I'm not sure that the screenwriters gave Shannon the type of material he needed to surpass Stamp's more flamboyant and dastardly Zod. Seriously, Shannon didn't even get to command Supes to kneel before him. Also, lost amidst all these fine performances was Christopher Meloni, who did a stellar job with a fairly badass soldier who was rather heroic despite the lack of any super-powers.
The effects were top-notch, the action scenes were exciting, and the future is bright for DC's top gun.
The Bad: I didn't necessarily like the way the story was plotted. We opened with Superman's birth on Krypton, but once he is sent to earth, we jumped forward to his adult years and saw his upbringing with Ma and Pa Kent via a series of flashbacks. It worked to a certain extent, but it also relegated his origin to something of a highlight reel. Additionally, it seemed a bit unrealistic, as the filmmakers were so intent on delivering one action scene after another that it felt as if young Clark Kent spent his life jumping from one earth-shattering life-or-death episode to the next. From school buses plunging into rivers, to tornadoes, to monumental explosions on oil rigs in the sea, everywhere Clark went quickly became the setting for a disaster of some sort. Finally, the last third of the picture was so packed with action that it lacked the emotion that gave the first two-thirds a serious lift.
The Verdict: Unlike the woeful Superman Returns, this was a solid relaunch for one of America's most cherished heroes. It wasn't as good as Superman or Superman II, both of which I consider classics, but that was probably to be expected. It definitely provides a great foundation for future films and Cavill is a great choice to take the character forward. It's not as good as most of Marvel's comic book films have been, nor is it in the same league as Christopher Nolan's work with Batman, but Zack Snyder has scored a hit and could be poised to take Superman even further.
World War Z
The Good: Brad Pitt was superb, and the movie was placed firmly upon his shoulders. Additionally, the picture was intense, ditching the blood and gore most zombie films are known for and emphasizing the action and suspense. In truth, World War Z played out like a thriller boasting a few scares, and while many won't like this direction, I thought it made for one hell of a ride. The action sequences grew bigger and bigger before a quiet and utterly gripping conclusion that sealed the deal for me. I think World War Z is a real winner!
The Bad: If it were up to me, I would ditch the PG-13 rating and crank up the gore, but it's not up to me and the lack of gore didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. By the time I had gotten accustomed to the tone of the film, it wasn't really bothering me at all. Also, I haven't read the book, but I understand that this is far from a strict adaptation. Most seem to think it isn't really an adaptation at all, and many of them might have stood a better chance of enjoying the picture if it had been called something else. Lastly, there were a few too many quick cuts in the first act. I was groaning twenty minutes in and thinking that the shaky cam was going to ruin this one for me, but things settled down after the initial carnage and I wasn't bothered by this throughout the second and third acts.
The Verdict: World War Z is a kickass motion picture boasting some of the best action sequences ever seen in a zombie film. It is cemented by a subdued but stellar performance courtesy of star Brad Pitt and a tense closing reel that ratchets up the tension to superb effect.
So, there you have it. I had high hopes for Man of Steel, but I was a little worried about World War Z. In true drive-in fashion, I wound up enjoying Man of Steel despite some reservations, and World War Z rocked me. Having said that, both films were very, very good, and I strongly recommend each of them. Also, if you live in the vicinity, make sure and visit Eden Drive-In. It's a great place to enjoy a good movie, and the prices are terrific. If you have kids, they'll have a great time at the playground and they'll also have a blast with the drive-in experience.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Black-and-White Isn't Bad
I love my wife, I truly do, but we certainly have our differences.
For example, earlier today I asked her what she thought of Run Silent Run Deep. Her response: "That stupid black-and-white movie you were watching?" It wasn't stupid and black-and-white, it was stupid because it was in black-and-white.
Seriously, if it's in black-and-white, she can't hang, and she's not alone. Yet the girls have watched a number of movies and shows in black-and-white without complaint, so it's not some new age dilemma, I think it's just a natural tendency for many to discount that which isn't contemporary. The less contemporary, the worse.
Folks, there are too many good old movies for that type of logic. And I don't care what's being released on Blu-Ray next week or the week after, if we turn the clock back and direct our attention to some true classics, we'll wind up with better films. Greatness isn't contemporary, it has no age. It's where you find it, and there are a lot more old movies than new ones.
Don't apply this line of thought to films alone, for it holds true with any type of art I can think of. Also, don't miss out on Run Silent Run Deep. My wife is right about a great many things, but this isn't one of them. How can you go wrong with Clark Gable and Burt Lancaster?
Of course, I should probably pay more attention to the new stuff. My wife was unfamiliar with Gable and Lancaster, so I began to describe them, and in doing so, I noted that Gable was before my time. He is, . . . and so is Lancaster. In fact, both men were stars long before the time before my time. But I digress . . .
For example, earlier today I asked her what she thought of Run Silent Run Deep. Her response: "That stupid black-and-white movie you were watching?" It wasn't stupid and black-and-white, it was stupid because it was in black-and-white.
Seriously, if it's in black-and-white, she can't hang, and she's not alone. Yet the girls have watched a number of movies and shows in black-and-white without complaint, so it's not some new age dilemma, I think it's just a natural tendency for many to discount that which isn't contemporary. The less contemporary, the worse.
Folks, there are too many good old movies for that type of logic. And I don't care what's being released on Blu-Ray next week or the week after, if we turn the clock back and direct our attention to some true classics, we'll wind up with better films. Greatness isn't contemporary, it has no age. It's where you find it, and there are a lot more old movies than new ones.
Don't apply this line of thought to films alone, for it holds true with any type of art I can think of. Also, don't miss out on Run Silent Run Deep. My wife is right about a great many things, but this isn't one of them. How can you go wrong with Clark Gable and Burt Lancaster?
Of course, I should probably pay more attention to the new stuff. My wife was unfamiliar with Gable and Lancaster, so I began to describe them, and in doing so, I noted that Gable was before my time. He is, . . . and so is Lancaster. In fact, both men were stars long before the time before my time. But I digress . . .
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Twitter People
I dig Twitter, but sometimes the users make me laugh. This is to be expected, but I thought I would share anyway. I was recently followed by an individual whose bio reads: "Sweet are the uses of adversity, which, like a toad, though ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in its head." Seriously, I don't even know what the hell that means. Even if I can sort of figure it out, it's an interesting way to introduce yourself to the world at the very least, and it would probably be better described as a preposterous way to introduce yourself to the world.
I'm a writer, so many of the people I follow are in the field, and it's amazing how many can't write a simple sentence or two. Some can't spell. Some bill themselves as existential futurists or idiosyncratic adventurers. When you figure that shit out, feel free to tell me all about it. Some brag about awards they have won that no one else seems to recognize. Some are cool people with cool stories to tell.
I've made a number of connections that I greatly enjoy. I've chatted with Jon Ryan, the punter for my beloved Seattle Seahawks, and Henry Mancini followed me for some reason even though he has no idea how much I dig his compositions. Twitter is quirky, it's bizarre, it's a lot of fun, and it definitely leads you to scratch your head at times. If don't have a profile, I encourage to sign up, meet some cool people, and laugh at some crazy people. It makes the world go round.
I'm a writer, so many of the people I follow are in the field, and it's amazing how many can't write a simple sentence or two. Some can't spell. Some bill themselves as existential futurists or idiosyncratic adventurers. When you figure that shit out, feel free to tell me all about it. Some brag about awards they have won that no one else seems to recognize. Some are cool people with cool stories to tell.
I've made a number of connections that I greatly enjoy. I've chatted with Jon Ryan, the punter for my beloved Seattle Seahawks, and Henry Mancini followed me for some reason even though he has no idea how much I dig his compositions. Twitter is quirky, it's bizarre, it's a lot of fun, and it definitely leads you to scratch your head at times. If don't have a profile, I encourage to sign up, meet some cool people, and laugh at some crazy people. It makes the world go round.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
The Last Stand
I finally sat down to watch The Last Stand a few days ago, and I had a good time with it. I was born in '78, which is a lot like being a child of the 80s, and therefore it probably goes without saying that I'm a Schwarzenegger fan. I'm American after all, and Conan the Barbarian was practically my godfather. Having said that, Arnold's last few movies before his foray into politics were a bit lacking. I did enjoy his cameo in The Expendables and his extended cameo in The Expendables 2, but I was still unsure of just what to expect from The Last Stand. The previews led me to believe that it was going to be a bit too silly for me, but the film itself was a pleasant surprise.
Now, let's be real, it is a bit silly, and that shouldn't come as a shock given that Johnny Knoxville and Luis Guzman (a couple of personal favorites of mine) are in the supporting cast, but it's also surprisingly slick. The action was tight, the pace was relentless, and Arnold was game. Yes, the big guy still has it. Sure, he's getting old, and he's certainly slowing down, but he still has a presence that's hard to match. I think the biggest reason The Last Stand was a winner, however, was the direction c/o Kim Jee-Woon. What should have been a lesser vessel with some big names and big explosions in the mix become an exercise in style and a frantic race toward a nifty conclusion.
There were flaws, to be sure, but The Last Stand was a lot of fun and I'm going to recommend it to anyone who enjoys Arnold or a solid action film. It probably doesn't need to be stated here, but obviously this one is nowhere near as good as classic Schwarzenegger fare like Conan, Predator, or The Terminator, but it was head and shoulders above his most recent offerings. Additionally, I found it to be far more entertaining than most of the action films clogging up the cinema these days. Of course, I dig throwbacks, and I don't mind it when my action films are a bit tongue-in-cheek.
Now, let's be real, it is a bit silly, and that shouldn't come as a shock given that Johnny Knoxville and Luis Guzman (a couple of personal favorites of mine) are in the supporting cast, but it's also surprisingly slick. The action was tight, the pace was relentless, and Arnold was game. Yes, the big guy still has it. Sure, he's getting old, and he's certainly slowing down, but he still has a presence that's hard to match. I think the biggest reason The Last Stand was a winner, however, was the direction c/o Kim Jee-Woon. What should have been a lesser vessel with some big names and big explosions in the mix become an exercise in style and a frantic race toward a nifty conclusion.
There were flaws, to be sure, but The Last Stand was a lot of fun and I'm going to recommend it to anyone who enjoys Arnold or a solid action film. It probably doesn't need to be stated here, but obviously this one is nowhere near as good as classic Schwarzenegger fare like Conan, Predator, or The Terminator, but it was head and shoulders above his most recent offerings. Additionally, I found it to be far more entertaining than most of the action films clogging up the cinema these days. Of course, I dig throwbacks, and I don't mind it when my action films are a bit tongue-in-cheek.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Interview with Duane Denison for RVA Magazine
I'm a big fan of the band Tomahawk, so I was thrilled to get the opportunity to interview guitarist Duane Denison for RVA Magazine. That interview is up, so I would love it if you were to click on this link and scope it out.
Thanks!
Thanks!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Call Center Survival Guide c/o Winston McBride: Tip #13 (Adult Content)
Stop me if you've heard this before (or just skip ahead to Tip #13):
Winston McBride has been a lowly associate, a team lead, a supervisor, an instructor, and much more at various call centers. His skill and knowledge have given him a sterling reputation in the call center industry. In fact, these days he goes by the title of Call Center Guru Numero Uno, and he does so for a reason. He's trying to sell books. Ha! I kid. Seriously, I was thrilled when he offered to allow me to share tips from his upcoming Call Center Survival Guide with those of you who follow my blog. Winston is looking for some feedback, as he is adopting a very direct approach. I find his work to be rather charming, and I think you will appreciate his efforts to guide you along the way as you enjoy your role in the call center of your dreams.
If you enjoyed the previous installment, you will also appreciate this excerpt from Winston's work:
Warning: Adult Language
(Cursing, Bitches!)
Tip #13: Getting Help from your Supervisor is Bullshit
So, when the going gets tough, either the customer will want to talk to your supervisor or you will need to ask them for help. Why? Because it is protocol. That's the only reason. If it were up to you, you would fend off your supervisor with any blunt object at hand in the hopes of avoiding that quagmire. You see, your supervisor can't help anyone. Not the customer, not you. Your supervisor doesn't take calls, your supervisor supervises, and they may or may not do that well. A great many supervisors aren't capable of doing anything well. Some are lazy and some are real tyrants. Some can hardly move. Depending on how long it has been since they manned a phone and what contract they were working for, they may have little or no ability to replicate your efforts or answer your questions. Should these poor devils get on the phone, they will need your help with the system. They will say the wrong shit and you will have to correct them. They will do the wrong shit and you will have to fix it. They will bumble, and stumble, and they will bumble and stumble some more. They are called upon to help, but they need all the help they can get. When you go to your supervisor for help, you wind up helping them as they try to help you, and it's a fucking mess. That's the way it works.
Here's my advice: don't let the customer talk to your supervisor. Never. That's the way to do it. I don't care how many times they ask, save them the time. We're going for the brass ring here, people, and the rules will not stand in our way. Tell your customer that your supervisor has no idea what they're doing. Tell them that if you bring them into the mix, you will be muting your phone to tell them what to do and say. Make them understand the basic futility of the situation and take control. Generally, I find that doing something you're not permitted to do, whether this is dispensing credits or free services to the customer, whatever you have in your arsenal that you're not supposed to use or that you're supposed to use with restraint, just dish it out and take your best shot at satisfying the customer. Everyone appreciates positive feedback from the consumer. So give it all away. What happens to that money if you don't use it? It's wasted, right? Don't be wasteful, be generous. Besides, if you're going to lose, lose big. We're in this to win this, but we fully understand the alternative. It's get paid or get out. Show me the money or show me the door. Gamble, people. Gamble frequently. Gamble when there's no good reason to. It's not your money, but it is your chance to make an impression.
If you need information and you can't find an answer using your other resources, just make something up. Do not ask your supervisor. Your job is to lie, and to lie frequently. Get a feel for it. Use qualifying statements like "My understanding is" or "I think the most likely outcome is" and no one gets hurt. If it's a yes or no question, you have a good chance of nailing it. Don't be timid, good people, be bold! That's how you succeed in this environment. Your journey to the top of the call center food chain is going to be filled with exciting developments.
Note: Your supervisor can be a lot of fun despite being otherwise useless. Ask them difficult questions just to see what kind of shit they come up with. Use big words around them. Talk loudly about good times you have had. Your supervisor can be a lot of fun if you have a knack for mockery. Throwing things at them when they aren't looking is also a classic for a reason, but avoid this practice if your call center utilizes security cameras. Unless, of course, you're willing to circumvent the security system, which would be a great use of the knowledge provided with Tip #48: Call Center Security Policies Were Made to be Broken (Repeatedly). Then you can throw things at your supervisor with reckless abandon. Be sure to blame the person beside you when you've had enough fun. Make a show of it. Think Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. As long as there are no credible witnesses (a rare commodity in the call center industry) and you're convincing, you won't be the one getting walked out the door.
Trivia: Many people believe that most supervisors were once good people, and perhaps even cool people. Then they were taken into a room with other supervisors and a soul-sucking alien was placed inside their brain, forever destroying the individual they once were. It sounds ridiculous, but a little time in the call center world does lend the argument some credence.
Winston McBride has been a lowly associate, a team lead, a supervisor, an instructor, and much more at various call centers. His skill and knowledge have given him a sterling reputation in the call center industry. In fact, these days he goes by the title of Call Center Guru Numero Uno, and he does so for a reason. He's trying to sell books. Ha! I kid. Seriously, I was thrilled when he offered to allow me to share tips from his upcoming Call Center Survival Guide with those of you who follow my blog. Winston is looking for some feedback, as he is adopting a very direct approach. I find his work to be rather charming, and I think you will appreciate his efforts to guide you along the way as you enjoy your role in the call center of your dreams.
If you enjoyed the previous installment, you will also appreciate this excerpt from Winston's work:
Warning: Adult Language
(Cursing, Bitches!)
Tip #13: Getting Help from your Supervisor is Bullshit
So, when the going gets tough, either the customer will want to talk to your supervisor or you will need to ask them for help. Why? Because it is protocol. That's the only reason. If it were up to you, you would fend off your supervisor with any blunt object at hand in the hopes of avoiding that quagmire. You see, your supervisor can't help anyone. Not the customer, not you. Your supervisor doesn't take calls, your supervisor supervises, and they may or may not do that well. A great many supervisors aren't capable of doing anything well. Some are lazy and some are real tyrants. Some can hardly move. Depending on how long it has been since they manned a phone and what contract they were working for, they may have little or no ability to replicate your efforts or answer your questions. Should these poor devils get on the phone, they will need your help with the system. They will say the wrong shit and you will have to correct them. They will do the wrong shit and you will have to fix it. They will bumble, and stumble, and they will bumble and stumble some more. They are called upon to help, but they need all the help they can get. When you go to your supervisor for help, you wind up helping them as they try to help you, and it's a fucking mess. That's the way it works.
Here's my advice: don't let the customer talk to your supervisor. Never. That's the way to do it. I don't care how many times they ask, save them the time. We're going for the brass ring here, people, and the rules will not stand in our way. Tell your customer that your supervisor has no idea what they're doing. Tell them that if you bring them into the mix, you will be muting your phone to tell them what to do and say. Make them understand the basic futility of the situation and take control. Generally, I find that doing something you're not permitted to do, whether this is dispensing credits or free services to the customer, whatever you have in your arsenal that you're not supposed to use or that you're supposed to use with restraint, just dish it out and take your best shot at satisfying the customer. Everyone appreciates positive feedback from the consumer. So give it all away. What happens to that money if you don't use it? It's wasted, right? Don't be wasteful, be generous. Besides, if you're going to lose, lose big. We're in this to win this, but we fully understand the alternative. It's get paid or get out. Show me the money or show me the door. Gamble, people. Gamble frequently. Gamble when there's no good reason to. It's not your money, but it is your chance to make an impression.
If you need information and you can't find an answer using your other resources, just make something up. Do not ask your supervisor. Your job is to lie, and to lie frequently. Get a feel for it. Use qualifying statements like "My understanding is" or "I think the most likely outcome is" and no one gets hurt. If it's a yes or no question, you have a good chance of nailing it. Don't be timid, good people, be bold! That's how you succeed in this environment. Your journey to the top of the call center food chain is going to be filled with exciting developments.
Note: Your supervisor can be a lot of fun despite being otherwise useless. Ask them difficult questions just to see what kind of shit they come up with. Use big words around them. Talk loudly about good times you have had. Your supervisor can be a lot of fun if you have a knack for mockery. Throwing things at them when they aren't looking is also a classic for a reason, but avoid this practice if your call center utilizes security cameras. Unless, of course, you're willing to circumvent the security system, which would be a great use of the knowledge provided with Tip #48: Call Center Security Policies Were Made to be Broken (Repeatedly). Then you can throw things at your supervisor with reckless abandon. Be sure to blame the person beside you when you've had enough fun. Make a show of it. Think Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. As long as there are no credible witnesses (a rare commodity in the call center industry) and you're convincing, you won't be the one getting walked out the door.
Trivia: Many people believe that most supervisors were once good people, and perhaps even cool people. Then they were taken into a room with other supervisors and a soul-sucking alien was placed inside their brain, forever destroying the individual they once were. It sounds ridiculous, but a little time in the call center world does lend the argument some credence.
Call Center Survival Guide c/o Winston McBride: Tip #47 (Adult Content)
Winston McBride has been a lowly associate, a team lead, a supervisor, an instructor, and much more at various call centers. His skill and knowledge have given him a sterling reputation in the call center industry. In fact, these days he goes by the title of Call Center Guru Numero Uno, and he does so for a reason. He's trying to sell books. Ha! I kid. Seriously, I was thrilled when he offered to allow me to share tips from his upcoming Call Center Survival Guide with those of you who follow my blog. Winston is looking for some feedback, as he is adopting a very direct approach. I find his work to be rather charming, and I think you will appreciate his efforts to guide you along the way as you enjoy your role in the call center of your dreams.
So then, here is an excerpt from Winston's work followed by a word from the man himself:
WARNING: Adult Language
(Profanity, Motherfuckers)
Tip #47: Your Schedule is Bullshit
Let's be real: if you work at a call center, the people who make your schedule will fuck you harder than any prostitute ever could. You will be scheduled to work until 2 in the morning and the next day you'll be scheduled to come in at 7 a.m., I shit you not. You may work 17 days in a row for a total of 36 hours, or you may work 3 days in a row . . . for a total of 36 hours. You will be begged to work overtime or cover additional shifts. Bad weather will not halt the madness. You may be forced to drive through heavy rains, snowfall, and even hurricanes and tidal waves. Death before dishonor, good people. Embrace the lunacy, for this much is certain: you will begin to hate your life. You might as well be devoted to the cause. Your only escape will come in the form of time off, but time off is a commodity that the vicious slave lords who rule this industry deem you unworthy of. They will take more vacations than Michelle Obama, but you will repeatedly find yourself shit out of luck.
But sometimes life gets in the way, right? What happens then? Welcome to the jungle, baby, that's what happens then. If your entire family is swallowed in a landslide, don't think you're getting any time off. Suck it up, junior. Your immediate supervisor and nearly everyone with a position of authority will lay an astonishing amount of guilt at your feet should you dare to seek time off. They need you, and they will assure you that doing your job is the best thing for you to do in light of the circumstances. I've seen it happen. Hell, I've done it. You could vomit blood all over your cubicle and you would have a hard time getting permission to leave early. If I were your supervisor, I would probably write you up for soiling your cubicle. That's how you make it to upper management, people. One of the staples of call center life is complete and total misery for everyone involved except those fools at the top of the food chain who equate success in a call center with actual accomplishments. Those people have gone crazy and CANNOT be trusted, no matter how friendly or trustworthy they seem. Remember Tip #1: The Classic, and Don't Trust Anyone. Especially those bastards who make your schedule. They will strive to punctuate the upper crust's efforts to make your life miserable with a schedule so shitty that your schedule alone (and not all of that other bullshit we've been discussing) may be the primary reason you finally flee the inferno you've chosen to chip away at your very soul.
So, how do you succeed in spite of a bullshit schedule? First off, let's talk about the people who make your schedule. Fuck those people. Yell at them, give them the finger, punch one of them in the eye, just do something. Make a statement, that's how you advance rapidly. Think about it, it's exactly what Clint Eastwood would do. Follow these rules and you will succeed or you will be fired, of that I am certain. Let's move on.
Is there a way to adapt to your schedule that might actually improve your status at the call center? Of course. It's tried and true. You can take a tip from your superiors and avoid adding any relationships or hobbies worthy of merit to your life. If you sever all connections with everyone you know with even an ounce of cool in their bodies and focus on all of your new friends at the call center, you may wind up with a certificate of some kind. Maybe even a plaque. If you're a real asshole, you'll start to dress and act differently, but you'll be too clueless to recognize this. Trust me, I've been there. I have pictures. Yes, sacrifice all that is truly substantial in this life, and you're already well on your way to the top. It's a small price to pay, right? Seriously, look at your superiors. Those poor devils. Watch them closely. If you want to enjoy the monotony that they thrive on, you will have to emulate their soulless approach to sacrifice and shame. They're victims, yet they're unwilling to admit defeat. No, that's too noble. Really, they're more like the zombies in The Walking Dead. You can't kill them, though, it's frowned upon. Anyway, toss everything that matters to you aside and you'll have no problem adapting to your shifts. Hell, once your life is devoid of anything real, your bullshit schedule won't seem nearly as troublesome.
It's that or abuse the points system until your attendance gets you fired or you manage to land some manner of promotion. You make the call. Why did you start on the phones anyway? Study Tip #6: Don't Tell Lies During the Interview, Tell Very Big Lies During the Interview and you won't start on the phones the next time you enter call center hell.
Remember, the goal here is simple, people. Get promoted or get fired. Either way, you win. Yet if you take that call center job and you sit in the same seat doing the same thing for more than 6 weeks, you've already lost. Get paid or get the fuck out. Take it from me, I'm Winston McBride, and I've seen the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in my time in the call center industry. I've been hired, I've been fired, and I've probably fired some of you. Some of you I may have re-hired and fired again. Firing a lot of people is a great way to make waves, especially if they don't deserve it, but more on that later.
I hope you enjoyed this excerpt from my upcoming Call Center Survival Guide. I'll be sharing additional tips with James (so that he can share them with you) and next up is Tip #13: Getting Help from your Supervisor is Bullshit.
Thanks, again.
-Winston McBride
Call Center Guru Numero Uno
So then, here is an excerpt from Winston's work followed by a word from the man himself:
WARNING: Adult Language
(Profanity, Motherfuckers)
Tip #47: Your Schedule is Bullshit
Let's be real: if you work at a call center, the people who make your schedule will fuck you harder than any prostitute ever could. You will be scheduled to work until 2 in the morning and the next day you'll be scheduled to come in at 7 a.m., I shit you not. You may work 17 days in a row for a total of 36 hours, or you may work 3 days in a row . . . for a total of 36 hours. You will be begged to work overtime or cover additional shifts. Bad weather will not halt the madness. You may be forced to drive through heavy rains, snowfall, and even hurricanes and tidal waves. Death before dishonor, good people. Embrace the lunacy, for this much is certain: you will begin to hate your life. You might as well be devoted to the cause. Your only escape will come in the form of time off, but time off is a commodity that the vicious slave lords who rule this industry deem you unworthy of. They will take more vacations than Michelle Obama, but you will repeatedly find yourself shit out of luck.
But sometimes life gets in the way, right? What happens then? Welcome to the jungle, baby, that's what happens then. If your entire family is swallowed in a landslide, don't think you're getting any time off. Suck it up, junior. Your immediate supervisor and nearly everyone with a position of authority will lay an astonishing amount of guilt at your feet should you dare to seek time off. They need you, and they will assure you that doing your job is the best thing for you to do in light of the circumstances. I've seen it happen. Hell, I've done it. You could vomit blood all over your cubicle and you would have a hard time getting permission to leave early. If I were your supervisor, I would probably write you up for soiling your cubicle. That's how you make it to upper management, people. One of the staples of call center life is complete and total misery for everyone involved except those fools at the top of the food chain who equate success in a call center with actual accomplishments. Those people have gone crazy and CANNOT be trusted, no matter how friendly or trustworthy they seem. Remember Tip #1: The Classic, and Don't Trust Anyone. Especially those bastards who make your schedule. They will strive to punctuate the upper crust's efforts to make your life miserable with a schedule so shitty that your schedule alone (and not all of that other bullshit we've been discussing) may be the primary reason you finally flee the inferno you've chosen to chip away at your very soul.
So, how do you succeed in spite of a bullshit schedule? First off, let's talk about the people who make your schedule. Fuck those people. Yell at them, give them the finger, punch one of them in the eye, just do something. Make a statement, that's how you advance rapidly. Think about it, it's exactly what Clint Eastwood would do. Follow these rules and you will succeed or you will be fired, of that I am certain. Let's move on.
Is there a way to adapt to your schedule that might actually improve your status at the call center? Of course. It's tried and true. You can take a tip from your superiors and avoid adding any relationships or hobbies worthy of merit to your life. If you sever all connections with everyone you know with even an ounce of cool in their bodies and focus on all of your new friends at the call center, you may wind up with a certificate of some kind. Maybe even a plaque. If you're a real asshole, you'll start to dress and act differently, but you'll be too clueless to recognize this. Trust me, I've been there. I have pictures. Yes, sacrifice all that is truly substantial in this life, and you're already well on your way to the top. It's a small price to pay, right? Seriously, look at your superiors. Those poor devils. Watch them closely. If you want to enjoy the monotony that they thrive on, you will have to emulate their soulless approach to sacrifice and shame. They're victims, yet they're unwilling to admit defeat. No, that's too noble. Really, they're more like the zombies in The Walking Dead. You can't kill them, though, it's frowned upon. Anyway, toss everything that matters to you aside and you'll have no problem adapting to your shifts. Hell, once your life is devoid of anything real, your bullshit schedule won't seem nearly as troublesome.
It's that or abuse the points system until your attendance gets you fired or you manage to land some manner of promotion. You make the call. Why did you start on the phones anyway? Study Tip #6: Don't Tell Lies During the Interview, Tell Very Big Lies During the Interview and you won't start on the phones the next time you enter call center hell.
Remember, the goal here is simple, people. Get promoted or get fired. Either way, you win. Yet if you take that call center job and you sit in the same seat doing the same thing for more than 6 weeks, you've already lost. Get paid or get the fuck out. Take it from me, I'm Winston McBride, and I've seen the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in my time in the call center industry. I've been hired, I've been fired, and I've probably fired some of you. Some of you I may have re-hired and fired again. Firing a lot of people is a great way to make waves, especially if they don't deserve it, but more on that later.
I hope you enjoyed this excerpt from my upcoming Call Center Survival Guide. I'll be sharing additional tips with James (so that he can share them with you) and next up is Tip #13: Getting Help from your Supervisor is Bullshit.
Thanks, again.
-Winston McBride
Call Center Guru Numero Uno
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