Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Maybe this isn't exactly high praise, but The Sword and the Sorceror is one of the best Conan clones released in the early 80s.  Yes, most of those pictures are atrocious, but the point stands.  Lurid and pulpy, this Albert Pyun venture doesn't take itself seriously despite the presence of traditional genre themes like vengeance, conquest, and destiny.  It is easy to imagine Pyun calling "cut" after takes and imploring his cast to add more cheese to their deliveries.  No one plays it straight, and Richard Lynch and Lee Horsley engage in a supreme duel to see who can ham it up the most in the two most important roles.  Namely, the hero and the villain, and I'm pretty sure you can guess which one is which.  We've got melodramatic music cues, shameless T&A, and bursts of extreme gore.  And you can't bring this movie up without referencing the sword with three blades, which may rank as the greatest of the absurdities in play.  Oh, and this sword with three blades can fire those blades as projectiles--and the effects work that allows this to transpire is just as meh as what you're picturing in your head.  That's an exception to the rule, however, as most of the effects in the picture are rather convincing.  That's more than I can say for the fight choreography, which is rugged and inspired, but not all that deft.  You know the drill: lots of aggressive strikes that are all too easy to block coupled with frenzied snarls.  Work it , boys.  Yeah, it is that kind of show.  But you know what?  It's far from dull, and in fact, it's pretty damn fun from start to finish.  There are even moments where it is rather incredible.  Also, I mentioned the gore earlier--as a horror junkie, I'm going to double down here.  The gore is a nice touch.  Livens things up nicely.  So, if you're going to dial up something of this ilk that isn't Conan the Barbarian or The Beastmaster, The Sword and the Sorceror is your only hope.  Pop open a frosty, and you may just enjoy the hell out of this bloody romp that thrives on cliches and machismo.

Final Grade: C+

Good old Talon and the three-bladed sword.  Silly as hell, yes, and also pretty fucking gnarly.

Comics Corner - Conan the Barbarian: Exodus #1

Comics Corner - Conan the Barbarian: Exodus #1

You're already aware that I took great pleasure in Conan's return to Marvel.  Today, this worthy pairing provided me with a completely fresh take on the rugged barbarian.  Gifted artist Esad Ribic is the man responsible for this book, handing the artwork and the story, and he brings something unique to each side of the coin.  The tale is painted, and there is an elegance and a realism to his approach that is a stark departure from the usual pulpy and lurid depictions of this iconic character.  The plot is unveiled entirely through these stunning images, as there is no text.  This does not handicap the comic given the power and insight Esad has applied to this undertaking with his tremendous talent.  A harrowing journey springs to life in these breathtaking pages, and we can practically feel the chill in our bones as our young Cimmerian struggles to survive in a harsh winter landscape.  Conan is both predator and prey in a stirring rendition of desperation and liberation.  Perhaps the most impressive thing about this title is the way it offers readers a fine departure and yet remains true to the character we know and love.  Conan the Barbarian: Exodus is an inventive pageturner that I really enjoyed, and I'm happy to use this platform to promote it.

Final Grade: A

Brought to lifein stunning fashion by beautiful paintings and an absence of text, Conan the Barbarian: Exodus is a true piece of art.

Comics Corner: Savage Sword of Conan #1 (Published 2/13/2019)

Comics Corner: Savage Sword of Conan #1 (Published 2/13/2019)

Like so many fans of this legendary character, I rejoiced when I heard that Conan would be returning to Marvel.  To be clear, Dark Horse did a fine job with the property, but it never spoke to me in the same way.  Maybe it's sheer nostalgia, but when I think of the way Roy Thomas handled our favorite Cimmerian back in the day, or the damn near mystical appeal those eye-popping Savage Sword magazines held for me, I can't help but be a bit underwhelmed by Conan's comic book exploits elsewhere.  Anyway, the first issue of the second coming of Marvel's Conan the Barbarian registered as big winner, but I found the second issue to be more than a little disappointing--and the recently published third issue is a full-on disaster.  So, my enthusiasm had waned a bit when I visited Fanboy Comics to scoop up my copy of this fresh take on Savage Sword of Conan.  A single glance at the magnificent cover from the one and only Alex Ross was enough to scatter my misgivings.  Seriously, I'll put this beauty up against anything Frazetta ever composed, and that is not hyperbole.  Sign me up for a poster, please!  And the comic itself is stellar from cover to cover, with excellent plotting from Gerry Duggan and glorious art courtesy of Ron Garney.  The pencils are bold, the story is robust, and this stands as a brawny and richly compelling comic--in other words, it's a perfect take on Conan.  I now find myself hoping that Conan the Barbarian rebounds while praying (not to Crom, who doesn't heed prayers) that the next issue of Savage Sword of Conan doesn't falter.  This is a grand start and an absolute must-have for any fan of Robert E. Howard's timeless hero.

Final Grade: A+

Short Attention Span Review: Milius (2013)

As documentaries about filmmakers go, it is hard to imagine any subject being more prolific or intriguing than writer and director John Milius.  It should come as no surprise then that Milius is such a spectacle.  Even as a fan of this gifted filmmaker and his larger-than-life personality, I was surprised to see just how broad his impact on the film industry has been.  Those who aren't as familiar with John's body of work will likely be flabbergasted to learn that one man played such a pivotal role in so many iconic pictures and performances over the years.  His contributions to movies like Jaws and Dirty Harry are discussed along with movies he scripted (Apocalypse Now and Jeremiah Johnson, among others) and directed (films like Dillinger, The Wind and the Lion, and Conan the Barbarian).  Professional accomplishments aside, the stories about his larger-than-life antics and his brazen disregard for going with the flow are wildly compelling.  This documentary also benefits from more than just a wealth of intriguing material; the number of famed participants who share their thoughts on John's work and persona throughout the picture is positively mind-boggling.  It is entirely possible that it would be easier to list the major actors, directors, and producers who weren't in this documentary than it would be to name everyone who appeared in the picture.  Milius offers far more than reflection on the cinema and funny stories about a brazen individual, touching on politics and delving into some truly emotional territory in the closing reel.  As a fan, I was totally captivated, but I imagine that those who aren't as familiar with the subject--and perhaps even those who don't like John's filmography--will be entertained by this documentary.  It is bold, colorful, and surprisingly nuanced, much like John Milius himself.

Final Grade: A

Conan the Valorous by John Maddox Roberts (from 1985)

Conan the Barbarian is one my favorite movies, weathered copies of The Savage Sword of Conan from the 70s bring me great joy, and paperback novels centered on everyone's favorite Cimmerian are always welcome in my home.  I have been reading these books for about as long as I've been reading and I still enjoy them.  The worst of the lot are trashy and formulaic, but Robert E. Howard did such a fine job of bringing Conan to life (as well as detailing the era in which he lived and defining the geography of this daring barbarian's world) that many of the books are definitive examples of what the fantasy genre is capable of producing.  Robert Jordan's take on the character is almost as revered as Howard's in this day and age, and I feel that Leonard Carpenter also had a real knack for detailing Conan's adventures.  John Maddox Roberts is another worthy author who has contributed to the cause, and his Conan the Valorous is of some significance to me because it's the only tale I've read that required Conan to return to Cimmeria.  It's a fun story that is a bit episodic in nature, paying homage to Howard's work with his brawny creation.  The real highlight of the book may be a fearsome clash between Conan and a magnificent bull that was imposing enough to be worshiped as a god.  This tense battle came hardly halfway through the book and had little to do with the primary thrust of the tale, which quickly gave way to a robust conclusion pitting Conan against armed soldiers, fantastic creatures, and demented sorcerers--another nod to Howard's approach to the genre.  Conan's eventual victory in this climactic showdown came a bit too easily in my humble opinion, and it was a bit strange to read such a book where someone other than our rugged hero got the girl at the end.  Still, Conan the Valorous was well-written and neatly plotted, and it was cool to see our fearless barbarian return home.  My favorite aspect of this novel may have been the way Roberts used the the hero's journey back to his homeland to show how Conan's youth in Cimmeria had shaped him.  Roberts allowed the character to reflect on his past while providing us with a look at his people doing what they do best--making war.  Most importantly, even as he paid tribute to Cimmeria, he did a fantastic job of showing us why Conan's passions would never allow him to settle down and remain among his people.  Canon the Valorous wasn't a great Conan adventure, but it was a solid book that benefited from its focus on Cimmeria. 

Final Grade: B-

Short Attention Span Review: Conan the Barbarian (1982)

There are only a handful of movies that I enjoy as much as Conan the Barbarian.  I'm a fan of Arnold, I'm a fan of action movies, and I'm a big fan of Robert E. Howard's mighty Cimmerian, so this shouldn't be breaking news.  Yet I think that anyone who enjoys an entertaining and energetic film should be able enjoy this smash hit from 1982 whether they have an interest in any of those things or not.  Expertly directed by John Milius, well-scripted, and bolstered by some truly fabulous sets, this is a remarkable motion picture.  Yes, there are some considerable alterations to Howard's vision, but many of these changes benefit the movie and none of them detract from it.  I have been a fan of this character for a great many years, and in my personal opinion, the differences that spring up in his adventures on the big screen, the printed page, and within the realm of comics have seldom diminished his charisma.  Conan is such a rich creation that it's difficult to modify him to such an extent that he loses his luster, though later film efforts would succeed in doing just that.  This stellar Schwarzenegger vessel is a real winner that may be the finest action yarn depicting a quest for vengeance that has ever been produced.  The cast is magnificent and the action sequences are rousing, realistic, and impressive to behold--a daunting trifecta, to say the least.  The plot is well-constructed and seldom has such an intriguing character been so free to roam.  The poster doesn't lie, for we see Conan enslaved as a child, forced to become a pitfighter when he comes of age, and he later earns his keep as a thief before emerging as the warrior he is destined to become.  Unlike many of the pictures that populate such fantastic realms, Conan the Barbarian isn't a whimsical effects show but rather a dark and gritty saga ripe with brutality and dismay.  The score courtesy of Basil Poledouris is a vibrant masterpiece that only adds to the movie's incredible power.  In fact, it may be my favorite score ever, and it's surely my favorite score by anyone other than John Carpenter.  Director John Milius is a woefully underrated figure in the motion picture industry and Conan the Barbarian is surely his greatest achievement.  I'm gushing a bit and I know it, but I just don't know how else to put it: if you truly want to know what is best in life, you must watch this movie.

Final Grade: A+ (it's better than Stygian Black Lotus)

As Conan, Arnold delivers perhaps the best prayer of all time.

Conan's Prayer

Crom, I have never prayed to you before.  I have no tongue for it. 

No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad, why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many.  That's what's important.

Valor pleases you, Crom, so grant me one request.  Grant me revenge.

And if you do not listen?  Then to hell with you! 

The Top 5 Schwarzenegger Movies c/o RVA Magazine is Up!

You can check out My Top 5 Schwarzenegger Movies piece for RVA Magazine here.  I had a lot of fun with this one as the big dude's work is near and dear to my heart.  Please scope it out and I would love it if you were to share your thoughts--everybody loves Arnold!

The Last Stand

I finally sat down to watch The Last Stand a few days ago, and I had a good time with it.  I was born in '78, which is a lot like being a child of the 80s, and therefore it probably goes without saying that I'm a Schwarzenegger fan.  I'm American after all, and Conan the Barbarian was practically my godfather.  Having said that, Arnold's last few movies before his foray into politics were a bit lacking.  I did enjoy his cameo in The Expendables and his extended cameo in The Expendables 2, but I was still unsure of just what to expect from The Last Stand.  The previews led me to believe that it was going to be a bit too silly for me, but the film itself was a pleasant surprise.

Now, let's be real, it is a bit silly, and that shouldn't come as a shock given that Johnny Knoxville and Luis Guzman (a couple of personal favorites of mine) are in the supporting cast, but it's also surprisingly slick.  The action was tight, the pace was relentless, and Arnold was game.  Yes, the big guy still has it.  Sure, he's getting old, and he's certainly slowing down, but he still has a presence that's hard to match.  I think the biggest reason The Last Stand was a winner, however, was the direction c/o Kim Jee-Woon.  What should have been a lesser vessel with some big names and big explosions in the mix become an exercise in style and a frantic race toward a nifty conclusion.

There were flaws, to be sure, but The Last Stand was a lot of fun and I'm going to recommend it to anyone who enjoys Arnold or a solid action film.  It probably doesn't need to be stated here, but obviously this one is nowhere near as good as classic Schwarzenegger fare like Conan, Predator, or The Terminator, but it was head and shoulders above his most recent offerings.  Additionally, I found it to be far more entertaining than most of the action films clogging up the cinema these days.  Of course, I dig throwbacks, and I don't mind it when my action films are a bit tongue-in-cheek. 

What is best in life?

Can it be?
I'm reading reports that Arnold has officially signed up for a Conan follow-up.  Supposedly, he's on board for a film titled The Legend of Conan, a film slated for a summer 2014 release.  Some people are groaning, saying "Man, he's way too old for that," but there's some quality material to draw from.  Some of my favorite Conan tales are yarns that are set late in the barbarian's life.
Some will love this news, some will hate it.  Definitely count me among the numbers who are genuinely excited.  Though he didn't really fit the part as well as some might think, Arnold brought something special to the role.
I welcome a gritty return for the superb character Robert E. Howard was kind enough to provide us with.  Not only do I welcome such a film, but I think it can be done.  I actually like the last one, but I do believe a better story could be fashioned around Conan.  Maybe The Legend of Conan is up for the challenge.