Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #6

Marvel's 2015 version of the Secret Wars is so amazing that I may just stop reading comics.  Okay, so maybe it's not that bad, or maybe it is that bad, but that statement is still an exercise in hyperbole.  There are lots of cool comics out there and I have a lot of love for this particular form of storytelling.  I just want to be clear here, and if need be I'll remind everyone reading this that I'm a huge fan of comics with most of my favorite titles coming c/o Marvel.  Yet the simple truth remains: this Secret Wars is a steaming pile of shit.  We've been treated to a lot of exposition (like, I can totally picture Alan Moore reading these books and saying, "Wow, that is a LOT of exposition.") and thus far all the action has been missing in action.  Most importantly, the characters we know and love have been missing in action.  You may have glimpsed Captain America or Iron Man (or Spider-Man, or pretty much anyone aside from Dr. Doom) on the covers or the promotional materials for this mega-crossover, but they aren't doing anything within the pages of this series.  No one is doing much of anything in these books aside from talking, honestly, and I'm pretty much fed up with it.  The last issue ended with what appeared to be the onset of a magnificent battle, leading me to think that this issue might kick a little ass, but then it began with the words "Three Weeks Later" and we are treated to the aftermath of that magnificent battle instead.  Seriously.  From there, we got (what else?) more exposition.  If this was a soap opera, it would be relatively inexpensive to produce (the costumes might not be cheap, but there would be no need for any stunts or special effects) and it might just be a masterpiece.  In terms of comic book crossovers, this is probably the biggest dud of them all--and it's called Secret Wars.  It's bullshit.  In fact, that's the best way to put it.  Let's pretend that I didn't write any of this stuff explaining my position.  Let's pretend that this is the actual review:

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #6

It's bullshit. 

Final Grade: F

Issue #1 - Final Grade: D- - read the review  here.
Issue #2 - Final Grade: B - read the review here.
Issue #3 - Final Grade: C - read the review here. 
Issue #4 - Final Grade: A+ - read the review here.
Issue #5 - Final Grade: F - read the review here.

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #5

Sweet Jesus.  Marvel just shit the bed in a big way.  I take back all that good stuff I said about this series after reading the last issue.  It's true, peeps--just when I thought the tide had turned, Marvel dumps this crap on us.  I've been pretty hard on this event, but I did give Issue #4 an A+ and I thought things were really looking up.  Then we had to wait a while for the this most recent issue, heightening the anticipation.  Yesterday, I snagged my copy and I was actually eager to tear into it, but my enthusiasm waned with every page that I turned.  It's entirely possible that the editorial team had a meeting and decided that the primary goal for Issue #5 would be to bore the hell out of all the readers who paid for a copy.  The best way to sum up the difference between the original (vastly superior) Secret Wars and this woeful 2015 version would be to wonder how a story with access to all of Marvel's best heroes and villains could be anything but a blast.  It doesn't seem possible and the 1984 version was jam-packed with fun.  Hell, maybe Jonathan Hickman took this as a challenge, because this series is turning out to be as dull as anything that Marvel has ever produced.  Perhaps the biggest problem is the lack of star power in a crossover with access to all of the stars in the Marvel Universe.  Everyone is a bit player, with even the greatest heroes who have hit the scene in this Secret Wars largely reduced to cameo appearances.  This tale has been 85% Dr. Doom and 15% everyone else.  Making matters worse, I love me some Doom, but I'm not overly enthused about this take on the legendary villain.  He's surely a far cry from the Doom that we saw in the original Secret Wars.  It's obvious that the focus here is on reshaping the Marvel universe, and it's equally apparent that there is little or no interest in telling a good story in the process.  There has been so little action in the first five issues that it probably accounts for little more than a few pages and there has been so much exposition that calling the 2015 Secret Wars clunky is like calling the ocean wet.  It's boring, it's convoluted, the vast majority of the heroes and villains we know and love aren't even present, and the fact that this lukewarm attempt at storytelling bears the name of the best crossover of them all only heightens the disappointment. 

Final Grade: F

Issue #1 - Final Grade: D- - read the review  here.
Issue #2 - Final Grade: B - read the review here.
Issue #3 - Final Grade: C - read the review here. 
Issue #4 - Final Grade: A+ - read the review here.

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #2

It wasn't all that long ago that I posted my review of the first issue of the 2015 Secret Wars.  I wasn't very kind, so it was with some trepidation that I finally sat down to read the second issue.  Now, I was hoping for more this time out, particularly after my man at Fanboy Comics (the best place to score your superhuman reading material in Wilmington, North Carolina) insisted that issue #2 was the best book that Marvel has produced in several years.  While I don't necessarily share his enthusiasm, it was a vast improvement from the convoluted mess that was the first issue.  While that issue crammed enough material for several issues into a single comic, the pacing was much better in the second issue, allowing the players involved to do more than provide readers with a quick series of cameos.  Additionally, while the destruction in issue #1 should have made that comic absolutely monumental, the clumsy storytelling and the rushed nature of the book greatly lessened its impact.  The second issue offers up some really groundbreaking stuff and takes the necessary time to knock us on our ass.  I love the original Secret Wars and my favorite thing about that mega-event was the way that it transformed Dr. Doom into a glorious baddie who was daring enough to go toe to toe with gods and tough enough to win.  Suffice it to say that anyone who shares my love for Doom will be greatly pleased with his presence in this issue.  I still think there's a bit too exposition being dumped on us and I miss the fantastic clashes that the original Secret Wars was overflowing with.  The violence is a bit more realistic (and thereby a bit more mundane) in the 2015 version.  Marvel may feel that this will lend more urgency and drama to the proceedings, but thus far it has merely succeeded in replacing the epic throwdowns of the original with minute bursts of action that aren't nearly as satisfying.  Still, it was a terrific leap forward after an abysmal start, and if the tale continues on this trajectory, maybe we'll wind up with a series that deserves to be called Secret Wars.

Final Grade: B