Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

There is a really sound idea at the heart of this festive fright flick.  The pitch hinges on a deranged slasher running amok at a themed event for horror movie lovers like your friendly neighborhood blogger here.  The hardest parts of executing this premise should have been realizing the villain and the setting.  And yet, while the picture kills it in both of those categories, it has two glaring weaknesses that really took a lot of the wind out of my sails.  First off, like any genre, horror is at its best when the characters are involving.  You can make a bad story remarkable if it features compelling characters, and the common link between most great stories is a great cast of characters.  It doesn't work the other way around.  This is one of many instances wherein a groovy premise and impressive technical merits are undermined by a core group of players that don't capture our hearts.  I just didn't care a lot about most of the characters in Hell Fest, to include the leads, and that robbed the film of so much of its impact.  That and one ill-advised blunder really tarnished my experience.  There's a scene that starts off really great in a funhouse and actually stands as one of Hell Fest's most frightening sequences.  However, it turns out to be a cheap scare born of a lapse in logic that shatters every ounce of plausibility.  Seriously, it's beyond stupid, and as cool as the moment that preceded this gaffe was, the lack of a better explanation should have sent the filmmakers back to the drawing board.  Or the cutting room.  For me, moments like this can totally ruin a movie.  Now, I'm still going to give this one some credit because the killer and the setting were so dope, and there were several scary setpieces that were wicked intense.  The makers of Hell Fest did enough to entertain me, but they shot themselves in the foot with lukewarm characters and that wretched scene that was utterly devoid of anything remotely resembling reason.

Final Grade: C

A lot like Blood Fest in that it's a cheeky slasher movie built upon the idea of a themed event for fright fans going awry, this one suffers from one massive lapse in logic and a cast that is pretty damn run-of-the-mill.

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #6

Marvel's 2015 version of the Secret Wars is so amazing that I may just stop reading comics.  Okay, so maybe it's not that bad, or maybe it is that bad, but that statement is still an exercise in hyperbole.  There are lots of cool comics out there and I have a lot of love for this particular form of storytelling.  I just want to be clear here, and if need be I'll remind everyone reading this that I'm a huge fan of comics with most of my favorite titles coming c/o Marvel.  Yet the simple truth remains: this Secret Wars is a steaming pile of shit.  We've been treated to a lot of exposition (like, I can totally picture Alan Moore reading these books and saying, "Wow, that is a LOT of exposition.") and thus far all the action has been missing in action.  Most importantly, the characters we know and love have been missing in action.  You may have glimpsed Captain America or Iron Man (or Spider-Man, or pretty much anyone aside from Dr. Doom) on the covers or the promotional materials for this mega-crossover, but they aren't doing anything within the pages of this series.  No one is doing much of anything in these books aside from talking, honestly, and I'm pretty much fed up with it.  The last issue ended with what appeared to be the onset of a magnificent battle, leading me to think that this issue might kick a little ass, but then it began with the words "Three Weeks Later" and we are treated to the aftermath of that magnificent battle instead.  Seriously.  From there, we got (what else?) more exposition.  If this was a soap opera, it would be relatively inexpensive to produce (the costumes might not be cheap, but there would be no need for any stunts or special effects) and it might just be a masterpiece.  In terms of comic book crossovers, this is probably the biggest dud of them all--and it's called Secret Wars.  It's bullshit.  In fact, that's the best way to put it.  Let's pretend that I didn't write any of this stuff explaining my position.  Let's pretend that this is the actual review:

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #6

It's bullshit. 

Final Grade: F

Issue #1 - Final Grade: D- - read the review  here.
Issue #2 - Final Grade: B - read the review here.
Issue #3 - Final Grade: C - read the review here. 
Issue #4 - Final Grade: A+ - read the review here.
Issue #5 - Final Grade: F - read the review here.

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #5

Sweet Jesus.  Marvel just shit the bed in a big way.  I take back all that good stuff I said about this series after reading the last issue.  It's true, peeps--just when I thought the tide had turned, Marvel dumps this crap on us.  I've been pretty hard on this event, but I did give Issue #4 an A+ and I thought things were really looking up.  Then we had to wait a while for the this most recent issue, heightening the anticipation.  Yesterday, I snagged my copy and I was actually eager to tear into it, but my enthusiasm waned with every page that I turned.  It's entirely possible that the editorial team had a meeting and decided that the primary goal for Issue #5 would be to bore the hell out of all the readers who paid for a copy.  The best way to sum up the difference between the original (vastly superior) Secret Wars and this woeful 2015 version would be to wonder how a story with access to all of Marvel's best heroes and villains could be anything but a blast.  It doesn't seem possible and the 1984 version was jam-packed with fun.  Hell, maybe Jonathan Hickman took this as a challenge, because this series is turning out to be as dull as anything that Marvel has ever produced.  Perhaps the biggest problem is the lack of star power in a crossover with access to all of the stars in the Marvel Universe.  Everyone is a bit player, with even the greatest heroes who have hit the scene in this Secret Wars largely reduced to cameo appearances.  This tale has been 85% Dr. Doom and 15% everyone else.  Making matters worse, I love me some Doom, but I'm not overly enthused about this take on the legendary villain.  He's surely a far cry from the Doom that we saw in the original Secret Wars.  It's obvious that the focus here is on reshaping the Marvel universe, and it's equally apparent that there is little or no interest in telling a good story in the process.  There has been so little action in the first five issues that it probably accounts for little more than a few pages and there has been so much exposition that calling the 2015 Secret Wars clunky is like calling the ocean wet.  It's boring, it's convoluted, the vast majority of the heroes and villains we know and love aren't even present, and the fact that this lukewarm attempt at storytelling bears the name of the best crossover of them all only heightens the disappointment. 

Final Grade: F

Issue #1 - Final Grade: D- - read the review  here.
Issue #2 - Final Grade: B - read the review here.
Issue #3 - Final Grade: C - read the review here. 
Issue #4 - Final Grade: A+ - read the review here.

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #4

Finally!  Those who have been waiting for the 2015 version of the Secret Wars to kick some serious ass have an issue to celebrate.  Look, I've been pretty hard on this event thus far, but this issue may have saved the day.  Not only was the issue itself full of action and dramatic developments of the highest order, but it ends with a worthy cliffhanger that finally has me longing for the next chapter.  In truth, most of these issues have ended at a point that merely left me hoping for a better story the next time out, but issue #4 is a gripping read with some massive carnage.  Additionally, it may have benefited from all the exposition that I've been bemoaning, as I can't deny that there was a bit of gravity to the proceedings that is often lacking in such events.  A classic rivalry took center stage and one of my favorite heroes was given a stirring moment of redemption that really set this one apart from the pack.  Now, I still don't know if there's any way for the 2015 Secret Wars to truly rival the 1984 Secret Wars, but at this point I can't consider it a disappointment any longer.  Big things are happening, and even if it may not be on the same level as the greatest crossover of them all, this is surely a storyline worth digging into.  Keep it going, Marvel!

Final Grade: A+

Grades and Links for My Reviews of the Previous Issues:

Issue #1 - Final Grade: D- - read the review  here.
Issue #2 - Final Grade: B - read the review here.
Issue #3 - Final Grade: C - read the review here.

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #3

Well, things are starting to come together in Marvel's 2015 edition of the Secret Wars.  There are some revelations and developments in this issue that make the arc a bit more intriguing.  It also feels clever, though only time will tell if that's the case.  Yet it's still hard to make a favorable comparison between this crossover and the legendary event bearing the same name that hit the scene in 1984.  We're still drowning in plot and scraping by so far as action is concerned, with this issue containing less excitement than either of the issues that preceded it.  It is also starting to feel like this Secret Wars is more about setting the table for things to come than delivering the goods.  I hope to be proven wrong on that point, as fans deserve more from such an event (particularly if you're going to call it the Secret Wars, for crying out loud) than an introduction to a new landscape.  Nobody following this storyline simply wants to drown in exposition so we'll know what's happening once it's over; we'd like to get a little bang for our buck.  Hopefully there's some major shit about to go down, and I'm still praying that Marvel will blow my mind with this major event they've been promising us for quite some time before all is said and done.  So far, they're doing a pretty good job of boring me.  Putting something clever and intriguing together is fine and dandy, but this is Marvel we're talking about, and as far as I'm concerned, it's clobbering time. 

Final Grade: C

Read my review of Issue #1 of Marvel's 2015 version of the Secret Wars here.

Read my review of Issue #2 of Marvel's 2015 version of the Secret Wars here.

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #1

So, I just sat down to read the first issue of this epic throwdown that Marvel has been building toward for some time now, the 2015 version of the Secret Wars.  We've been told that the Marvel Universe as we know it ends here, and we're supposed to leave this event with some sort of combination of the standard Marvel universe and their Ultimates universe.  Yes, those universes will no longer exist separate from one another.  Allegedly, some of the characters we know and love won't exist at all (and could potentially--though it's unlikely--actually stay dead), and most of them will be forever changed, and so on and so forth.  If you dig comics, you've heard a similar pitch before.  Yet this crossover bears the name Secret Wars, so maybe the shit really is about to hit the fan.

Having finished the first issue, I think it's safe to say that big things are happening.  I also think it's safe to say that the big things that are happening are incredibly convoluted.  Honestly, after I read issue #1, I found myself thinking that if you took the contents of that comic book and spread it out over three or four issues, it might actually wind up being something you could read and enjoy.  Unfortunately, aside from a few key players who hung around for more than a single panel, we wound up with little more than a series of cameos.   Additionally, aside from a few crisp pages that nearly made sense, so much clunky exposition was offered up that I felt like I was reading an Alan Moore comic where he had been ordered to double up on the text.  "We need twice as much, Al, and make sure it's complicated."

Now, it's only the first issue, and I've found that many of Marvel's latest attempts at blowing our minds get off to uneven starts.  So maybe things will sort themselves out.  Unfortunately, I've also found that many of Marvel's most recent super crossovers fell well short of my expectations.  The superb Avengers vs. X-Men arc from 2012 is the only such event that I've really enjoyed since they damn near topped the original Secret Wars (which many credit with creating the crossover on an epic scale way back in 1984) with their Civil War in 2006.  So, I'm going to hope for the best, but man oh man, we are off to a rocky start. 

Final Grade: D-

What do you think?  Am I being too hard on the new Secret Wars?  Am I failing to understand this stuff because I'm reading the wrong comics?  This is possible, as Marvel and DC both quickly cancel titles after realizing that I've added them to my reading list.  Maybe you think it was even worse than I did--though, for that to be the case, you probably would have thrown that shit in the trashcan before you finished and you probably wouldn't be reading this particular blog.  Whatever your take on the 2015 Secret Wars is, feel free to clue me in.  I'm searching for answers here.

There's no topping the original Secret Wars.

Bonus Points: the original Secret Wars featured
what is probably my favorite cover of all time.