Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #6

Marvel's 2015 version of the Secret Wars is so amazing that I may just stop reading comics.  Okay, so maybe it's not that bad, or maybe it is that bad, but that statement is still an exercise in hyperbole.  There are lots of cool comics out there and I have a lot of love for this particular form of storytelling.  I just want to be clear here, and if need be I'll remind everyone reading this that I'm a huge fan of comics with most of my favorite titles coming c/o Marvel.  Yet the simple truth remains: this Secret Wars is a steaming pile of shit.  We've been treated to a lot of exposition (like, I can totally picture Alan Moore reading these books and saying, "Wow, that is a LOT of exposition.") and thus far all the action has been missing in action.  Most importantly, the characters we know and love have been missing in action.  You may have glimpsed Captain America or Iron Man (or Spider-Man, or pretty much anyone aside from Dr. Doom) on the covers or the promotional materials for this mega-crossover, but they aren't doing anything within the pages of this series.  No one is doing much of anything in these books aside from talking, honestly, and I'm pretty much fed up with it.  The last issue ended with what appeared to be the onset of a magnificent battle, leading me to think that this issue might kick a little ass, but then it began with the words "Three Weeks Later" and we are treated to the aftermath of that magnificent battle instead.  Seriously.  From there, we got (what else?) more exposition.  If this was a soap opera, it would be relatively inexpensive to produce (the costumes might not be cheap, but there would be no need for any stunts or special effects) and it might just be a masterpiece.  In terms of comic book crossovers, this is probably the biggest dud of them all--and it's called Secret Wars.  It's bullshit.  In fact, that's the best way to put it.  Let's pretend that I didn't write any of this stuff explaining my position.  Let's pretend that this is the actual review:

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #6

It's bullshit. 

Final Grade: F

Issue #1 - Final Grade: D- - read the review  here.
Issue #2 - Final Grade: B - read the review here.
Issue #3 - Final Grade: C - read the review here. 
Issue #4 - Final Grade: A+ - read the review here.
Issue #5 - Final Grade: F - read the review here.

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #5

Sweet Jesus.  Marvel just shit the bed in a big way.  I take back all that good stuff I said about this series after reading the last issue.  It's true, peeps--just when I thought the tide had turned, Marvel dumps this crap on us.  I've been pretty hard on this event, but I did give Issue #4 an A+ and I thought things were really looking up.  Then we had to wait a while for the this most recent issue, heightening the anticipation.  Yesterday, I snagged my copy and I was actually eager to tear into it, but my enthusiasm waned with every page that I turned.  It's entirely possible that the editorial team had a meeting and decided that the primary goal for Issue #5 would be to bore the hell out of all the readers who paid for a copy.  The best way to sum up the difference between the original (vastly superior) Secret Wars and this woeful 2015 version would be to wonder how a story with access to all of Marvel's best heroes and villains could be anything but a blast.  It doesn't seem possible and the 1984 version was jam-packed with fun.  Hell, maybe Jonathan Hickman took this as a challenge, because this series is turning out to be as dull as anything that Marvel has ever produced.  Perhaps the biggest problem is the lack of star power in a crossover with access to all of the stars in the Marvel Universe.  Everyone is a bit player, with even the greatest heroes who have hit the scene in this Secret Wars largely reduced to cameo appearances.  This tale has been 85% Dr. Doom and 15% everyone else.  Making matters worse, I love me some Doom, but I'm not overly enthused about this take on the legendary villain.  He's surely a far cry from the Doom that we saw in the original Secret Wars.  It's obvious that the focus here is on reshaping the Marvel universe, and it's equally apparent that there is little or no interest in telling a good story in the process.  There has been so little action in the first five issues that it probably accounts for little more than a few pages and there has been so much exposition that calling the 2015 Secret Wars clunky is like calling the ocean wet.  It's boring, it's convoluted, the vast majority of the heroes and villains we know and love aren't even present, and the fact that this lukewarm attempt at storytelling bears the name of the best crossover of them all only heightens the disappointment. 

Final Grade: F

Issue #1 - Final Grade: D- - read the review  here.
Issue #2 - Final Grade: B - read the review here.
Issue #3 - Final Grade: C - read the review here. 
Issue #4 - Final Grade: A+ - read the review here.

Marvel's Secret Wars (2015) - Issue #1

So, I just sat down to read the first issue of this epic throwdown that Marvel has been building toward for some time now, the 2015 version of the Secret Wars.  We've been told that the Marvel Universe as we know it ends here, and we're supposed to leave this event with some sort of combination of the standard Marvel universe and their Ultimates universe.  Yes, those universes will no longer exist separate from one another.  Allegedly, some of the characters we know and love won't exist at all (and could potentially--though it's unlikely--actually stay dead), and most of them will be forever changed, and so on and so forth.  If you dig comics, you've heard a similar pitch before.  Yet this crossover bears the name Secret Wars, so maybe the shit really is about to hit the fan.

Having finished the first issue, I think it's safe to say that big things are happening.  I also think it's safe to say that the big things that are happening are incredibly convoluted.  Honestly, after I read issue #1, I found myself thinking that if you took the contents of that comic book and spread it out over three or four issues, it might actually wind up being something you could read and enjoy.  Unfortunately, aside from a few key players who hung around for more than a single panel, we wound up with little more than a series of cameos.   Additionally, aside from a few crisp pages that nearly made sense, so much clunky exposition was offered up that I felt like I was reading an Alan Moore comic where he had been ordered to double up on the text.  "We need twice as much, Al, and make sure it's complicated."

Now, it's only the first issue, and I've found that many of Marvel's latest attempts at blowing our minds get off to uneven starts.  So maybe things will sort themselves out.  Unfortunately, I've also found that many of Marvel's most recent super crossovers fell well short of my expectations.  The superb Avengers vs. X-Men arc from 2012 is the only such event that I've really enjoyed since they damn near topped the original Secret Wars (which many credit with creating the crossover on an epic scale way back in 1984) with their Civil War in 2006.  So, I'm going to hope for the best, but man oh man, we are off to a rocky start. 

Final Grade: D-

What do you think?  Am I being too hard on the new Secret Wars?  Am I failing to understand this stuff because I'm reading the wrong comics?  This is possible, as Marvel and DC both quickly cancel titles after realizing that I've added them to my reading list.  Maybe you think it was even worse than I did--though, for that to be the case, you probably would have thrown that shit in the trashcan before you finished and you probably wouldn't be reading this particular blog.  Whatever your take on the 2015 Secret Wars is, feel free to clue me in.  I'm searching for answers here.

There's no topping the original Secret Wars.

Bonus Points: the original Secret Wars featured
what is probably my favorite cover of all time.