Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Even the best martial arts movies are a bit goofy, that's the nature of the beast.  If you're going to depict people settling their disputes with a series of colorful showdowns where kung-fu chops and flying kicks decide the battle, you're clearly veering merrily toward the absurd.  Still, most examples of this genre I cherish so much try to operate with something that resembles a poker face.  No Retreat, No Surrender has no shame, good people, no shame whatsoever.  These filmmakers just pile it on.  It's kinda like The Karate Kid, except the villain is basically Ivan Drago as played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.  And instead of Mr. Miyagi, our hero takes lessons from the ghost of Bruce Lee.  No bullshit.  And no 80s cliches were spared, and no fucks were given.  As a result, No Retreat, No Surrender is a cringe-worthy diet of glossy ineptitude complete with a goofy soundtrack boasting hair metal power ballads that often serve as narration.  No, really, and it's horrible, my friends, just horrible.  There are editing mishaps, cliches, line deliveries that are embarrassing to behold, more cliches, and a few more cliches thrown in for good measure as ludicrous plot developments steer us toward a conclusion that is silly as hell.  No, sillier than that.  And, yes, it's also fun, partly because it's one of those good bad movies and it is brimming with unintentional humor, but also because you can't help but get caught up in this shit.  You will cheer at times, and you will feel like an absolute dumbass when you do.  Trust me.  No Retreat, No Surrender approaches cult status by virtue of calamity and aplomb.  Well, that and the undeniable fact that buried within the various mishaps and missteps, there are a couple of worthwhile performances, a few potent bits, and some quality choreography.  Bottom line: it's an entertaining clusterfuck.  You will enjoy it, but some of your brain cells will surely die while you're watching it.

Final Grade: C-

His acting may not be hitting on much in this early role,
but Van Damme shows incredible star power by way of his dazzling physical talents.  

Short Attention Span Review - The Brink (2017)

Short Attention Span Review - The Brink (2017)

The Brink is a curious film that doesn't seem to know just what it wants to be.  It works best when it's an ultra stylish and hyper-kinetic action smorgasboard a la John Wick.  This serves stars Jin Zhang and Shawn Yue best, and this was one of those riveting thrillers wherein I liked the bad guy (Yue) almost as much as I liked our hero (Zhang).  And that's saying something, because Zhang is way too cool in this movie, sporting a punk rock dye job and his standard graceful yet devastating martial arts talents.  The Brink also works surprisingly well as a zany spiritual journey where greed, vengence, and even love intersect, and fates are decided at the whims of a callous Sea Godess who may or may not exist--though without some sort of divine intervention, I'm not sure how anyone could have survived the waterlogged conclusion.  And then there are the melodramatic moments, which aren't nearly as overwrought as they can be in this breed of action movie, but still frequently crash and burn.  And while that awesome finale (a threeway showdown on the deck of a trawler being tossed around by a typhoon) is wild to look at, it does stretch the film's razor-thin sliver of plausibilty to its limits and beyond.  It remains an entertaing and flamboyant romp, with dazzling imagination and sizzling choreography to spare.  It's a bit silly here and there, and a bit sappy in parts as well, but that's easy enough to overlook when you have Jin Zhang kicking ass all over the place.  Oh, and Yue's bad guy had a wicked little weapon roughly the size of an ink pen that fired miniature silver harpoons.  Sounds ridiculous, but it was ill.

Final Grade: C+

When The Brink works, it works because stars Jin Zhang and Shawn Yue  really throw themselves into their parts.

Short Attention Span Review - Jackie Chan's First Strike (1996)

Short Attention Span Review - Jackie Chan's First Strike (1996)

I've been on a bit of a Jackie Chan kick lately.  Last week, I reviewed Police Story, which I have always regarded as one of this acrobatic and lovable martial arts phenom's better efforts.  I think most fans would agree with me on that.  I'm also a big fan of First Strike, which I revisited last night, and I think a lot of those same fans would rate this one as mediocre.  Now, I enjoy Police Story a little more, and I can see why this globe-trotting romp with Jackie riffing on James Bond may not get as much love.  It's definitely sillier than most of the star's pictures, with a convoluted plot and a series of playful action scenes that are utterly devoid of the bloody grit that made the mall setpiece in Police Story so f'n gnarly.  However, as I noted in my review of Police Story, the odd blend of slapstick and bone-crunching mayhem is more than a little offputting.  First Strike doesn't have the same problem; the tone is consistent whether the picture is focused on espionage or a dazzling showdown where Jackie uses ladders as weapons.  It's all in good fun, and though the stakes are high (there's a nuclear warhead involved), First Strike aims for the funny bone from start to finish.  Now, that is a curious juxtaposition in and of itself, but it works surprisingly well.  It's not really a parody of the sub-genre, but simply replacing a typical super spy with a bumbling but sincere Jackie Chan softens the impact and defangs the more sinister undercurrents in play.  What we're left with is a fast-paced and engaging picture that features some of my favorite stunts from this legendary daredevil.  In particular, I treasure that ladder bit and a stellar grand finale that spotlights some sensational underwater fight choreography--and includes sharks.  I find this 1996 vehicle for a global superstar in his prime to be an entertaining affair with a nice mix of laughs and amazing stunts.  While it may not receive as much fanfare as his most celebrated productions, I think it's almost at the same level, and I'm glad I gave it another look.

Final Grade: B

The ladder sequence is most definitely a highlight of this silly showcase.

Short Attention Span Review - Police Story (1985)

Short Attention Span Review - Police Story (1985)

Jackie Chan movies are certainly unique.  Police Story, one of his best features, is a fine example of the curious juxtaposition that Jackie enjoyed.  Police Story is equal parts slapstick, farce, and extreme violence.  It is incredibly physical, with Jackie throwing himself into both the comedic bits and the stupendous stunts with reckless aplomb.  In a way, the formula is deeply flawed, in that those who appreciate Jackie's silly antics the most probably cringe at those bone-crunching displays of martial arts mayhem--and vice-versa.  And the pictures these trademark areas of expertise yield are often uneven, as striking a balance with these disparate elements presents considerable difficulties.  Yet the reason for Jackie's enduring success is no mystery: he has incredible skills where both foolish shenanigans and dazzling action setpieces are concerned, and his passion for filmmaking is damn near unrivalled.  Police Story showcased the star at his peak, and thus produced a fair amount of chuckles and several amazing stunts.  In particular, the big finale is a true showstopper.  Set within a mall, this has to rate among Jackie's most spectacular exercises in choreagraphy, combining chases, clashes, and daring feats in an explosive demonstration of filmmaking bravado.  It's a bloodbath at times, with so much broken glass coming into play that the cast and crew allegedly dubbed the picture "Glass Story" during production.  While this is only one of the film's highlights, Police Story is worth watching for the rousing climax alone.  As a sum of its parts, it is a prototypical Jackie Chan vehicle, and that makes it an odd trip, but a trip well worth taking.

Final Grade: B+

The climax is all about gonzo stunts, stunning choreagraphy, and shattered glass.

Short Attention Span Review - Triple Threat (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Triple Threat (2019)

First off, let me acknowledge that as an action film, Triple Threat probably fails more than it succeeds.  The plot is riddled with so many holes that it is fairly nonsensical, the dialogue is atrocious, and a few poignant scenes are so sorely out of place that they veer toward purely unintentional comedy.  And, it should be noted, that as a kung-fu flick, it doesn't even approach the level of greatness that a venture with this cast could attain.  However, anyone who gets their kicks from this sort of fare will find plenty to enjoy nonetheless, because even a bad rock 'em sock 'em movie with these cats winds up being mediocre.  We've got Tony Jaa, Tiger Chen, Scott Adkins, and two of my all-time favorites, Iko Uwais and Michael Jai White, in the mix, after all.  And while director Jesse V. Johnson fumbles where the exposition (and pretty much everything aside from the action bits) is concerned, he does capture some excellent martial arts mayhem.  Unfortunately, some of the clashes are a bit too brief, and a few of these Grade A combatants never get to engage one another.  Yet the fights we do get are compelling match-ups, and all of the players get to show their stuff to devastating effect.  In particular, I loved seeing Uwais and White square off, and Adkins and Jaa also have a fantastic battle.  Chen also shines, doing a fine job in his work with MMA vet Michael Bisping, who proves rather adept at cinematic fisticuffs.  In truth, I think Adkins may steal the show, with his amazing talents establishing him as a stellar villain.  Dude is so versatile and smooth, he makes dizzying acrobatics look easy, and he can play an arrogant badass with the very best of them.  In a lot of ways, Triple Threat reminded me of one of those 90s martial arts movies I used to enjoy, pictures with guys like Gary Daniels, Don Wilson, and Billy Blanks taking on all comers.  The movies themselves were quite pedestrian, but the fight scenes made them worthwhile.  Triple Threat is far better than most of those, but it doesn't leave them in the dust the way it should.  Regardless, if you're a fan of this sort of show, or an admirer of any of the people involved, this is one you can't pass up.

Final Grade: A very fun C

As a movie, Triple Threat is prone to misfires.  As a martial arts bonanza, it falls well short of its potential, but still emerges as a rollicking showcase for the extraordinary talent involved.

Short Attention Span Review - SPL: Kill Zone (2005)

Short Attention Span Review - SPL: Kill Zone (2005)

While it may be as overwrought and melodramatic as vintage John Woo, SPL: Kill Zone has earned its reputation.  A hard-boiled cops and robbers epic and a martial arts masterpiece, this one fires on all cylinders.  Yes, it gets a bit sappy here and there, and those looking for karate kicks and gunfights may grow impatient with the depth and and the occasional forays into soap opera territory.  However, once the fisticuffs begin and the lead starts to fly, all bets are off.  Many will watch this one for the first time eagerly anticipating the much-heralded finale wherein Donnie Yen and Sammo Hung lock horns, and there can be no doubt that this is a showdown for the ages.  However, the battle that precedes it, wherein Yen goes toe to toe with Wu Jing in an alley with each man wielding a weapon, is truly the showstopper here.  While the big finale doesn't disappoint, Donnie and Wu Jing give us one of the finest cinematic duels ever captured on film.  Fueled by lightning-fast exchanges and bloody devestation, this is both a close-quarters gem given the confines of the alley and a weapons exchange that would make the Shaw Brothers proud.  The plot is solid and the movie stands as something akin to Heat cross-pollinated with Enter the Dragon, with a heaping dose of noir permeating the proceedings.  SPOILER ALERT: Seriously, good people, the ending steers the flick into major downer territory--and I'm not saying the bad guys win here, peeps.  Read my lips: everyone loses.  In fact, everyone loses everything, with each character acting as the architect of his own downfall in some way.  It's heavy stuff, so prepare yourselves.  The adrenaline that the action generates will quickly give way to some serious heartache as the tale reaches its despair-ridden conclusion.  You have been warned.  The good news is that you will have a hell of a good time on your way to this dreadful destination.

Final Grade: B

While the big showdown between Yen and Hung doesn't disappoint, the alley fight scene where Yen and Wu Jing go at it is on another level altogether.

Top 5 Chuck Norris Movies

Top 5 Chuck Norris Movies

 I was born in 1978, but my memory wasn't firing on all cylinders as a babe, so that pretty much makes me a child of the 80s.  As such, and given that I may be a bit of a martial arts fanatic, it should come as no surprise that I'm a big fan of the one and only Chuck Norris.  With that in mind, I decided to resurrect my Top 5 theme that has produced so many enjoyable pieces over the years and rank my favorite films starring everyone's favorite asskicker who has yet to take his asskicking talents to another plane of existence.  First off, though, I should note that I am restricting this piece to films that Chuck received top billing in.  The best film he ever appeared in was obviously Return of the Dragon, and his showdown with Bruce Lee during that picture's climax is also his best throwdown--but it won't be featured here.  Sadly, his second best throwdown came in a picture where he did receive top billing, but The Octagon is kind of a mess and it didn't make my list either.  Regardless, that's enough about movies that didn't make the cut; let's start at the bottom and work our way to the top.

 #5) Firewalker (1986)

Okay, so admittedly Firewalker is a little hit and miss, but it makes up for what it lacks in special effects or polish in sheer entertainment.  Norris does a bit of a send-up of his typical super badass persona here, and while his Max Donigan is a solid fighter, he isn't much of a marksman and it is certainly safe to say that he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.  Chuck hams it up throughout this action adventure that frequently veers toward parody when it isn't paying homage to films like Raiders of the Lost Ark.  While it can't be said that Norris has a gift for comedy, it is fair to say that his charisma and a decent script generate several laughs.  Louis Gossett, Jr. was in his prime here, and it is entirely possible that he steals the show in his role as Leo Porter.  Porter is a little savvier, a much better shot, and he's not exactly a pushover when it comes to fisticuffs.  Norris and Gossett have solid chemistry and their bickering-laden friendship is one of Firewalker's biggest strengths.  Sonny Landham is also rather imposing as the heavy, and Melody Anderson does a fine job of offsetting all the macho antics on display with a little beauty and grace--and she might bring more to the proceedings in the way of comedy than any of her co-stars.  In the end, those looking for kung fu treachery may be a bit disappointed, but those who enjoy a goofy adventure yarn that goes for an equal measure of excitement and chuckles will have a lot of fun with this poor man's treasure hunt.  I also think that the finale is worthwhile and I have no qualms about starting this list off with a Norris picture many of his fans may not be nearly as enamored with.

Final Grade: B-

He's no Steve Martin, but Norris and the rest of the cast have a lot of fun with their roles in Firewalker.

#4) The Delta Force (1986)

Early on, in a move that distinguishes it from standard Chuck Norris action films, The Delta Force takes a serious approach to the carnage on display.  This is likely due to the parallels between the terrorist attack depicted in the movie and the actual hijacking of TWA Flight 847 a year prior to the film's release.  The restraint is perhaps most evident in Robert Forster's cold and calculating performance as the villainous Abdul, though it also presents itself when the standard disaster film trappings (to include the presence of one George Kennedy in the cast) are never allowed to become overly sensational or melodramatic.  Having said that, things change once Lee Marvin hits the scene, expertly playing a grizzled leader of men with a certain blonde-haired and battle-hardened human dynamo at his disposal.  That's when the The Delta Force becomes standard action fare with an emphasis on good old American heroism and big ass explosions.  The execution is top-notch; this is a slick production and Menahem Golan's direction is perfectly acceptable for a rousing shoot 'em up.  This would prove to be Lee Marvin's final performance, and it is fitting that he went out playing the sort of tough guy role that he was famous for.  Truthfully, the first half of this ode to beating up terrorists is riveting and tense while the second half is more of an idealized love letter to patriotic vengeance punctuated by a trademark Alan Silvestri score.  Still, The Delta Force showcases an action icon in his prime alongside a cinema great and hits all the notes that it sets out to hit.  The cast is loaded with familiar faces and while the picture would have benefited from a shorter run time, it's still a rip-roaring kick in the pants that showcases Chuck at his very best.  

Final Grade: B-

Yes, there is some restraint shown in portions of The Delta Force, but not in the "Chuck Norris driving a motorcycle outfitted with a rocket launcher" portion.

 #3) Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (1985)

You had me at "Chuck Norris gets captured in Vietnam and has to lead a daring escape from a brutal prison camp."  True story: if that premise holds any appeal for you, you're going to have a great time with the best* film in the Missing in Action series.  Colonel James Braddock is a trademark Norris role, and our man Chuck was clearly as adept at playing this kind of determined tough guy with an unbreakable spirit as he was at dishing out flying side kicks.  This sequel/prequel sets the stage for a gung-ho finale by putting our war-ravaged hero and his fellow survivors through pure hell for much of the picture.  The infamous rat scene (I'm not going to spoil this tasty bit for you if you haven't seen it) is not only one of this film's highlights, but also stands as the very epitome of a classic Chuck Norris moment.  Soon-Tek Oh is sheer perfection as the heartless Colonel Yin, and his vicious tyrant may be the most loathsome villain Chuck ever squared off against.  Several of Chuck's co-stars also shine in this one, with Steven Williams in particular giving the film some serious punch as Nester.  A despicable traitor for 99% of his screen time, Nester makes quite an emotional exit when he ultimately redeems himself by sacrificing his life for the men he turned on.  For a kickass action flick, there's actually a lot of emotion on display during the closing reel, and fans of this type of yarn are guaranteed to get fired up watching Braddock beat the shit out of Yin while dedicating his various kicks and punches to his fallen comrades.  While it owes far more to red-blooded 80s action cinema than anything resembling a realistic take on the P.O.W. experience, Missing in Action 2: The Beginning is a riveting flick with Chuck anchoring a worthy cast and delivering the goods.     

Final Grade: B+

*To be fair, the first entry in this series is sub-par and the third one is nothing short of terrible. 

Chuck leads a band of weary survivors as they suffer greatly before mounting an escape and kicking some serious ass in Missing in Action 2: The Beginning.

#2) Silent Rage (1982) 

What do you get when you blend a horror movie with a Chuck Norris action saga?  Well, Silent Rage is surely a mixed bag, but it must be said that it is a highly entertaining mixed bag.  As such, it does many things extremely well and it does many things just as poorly.  Thankfully, it starts and finishes with grand flourishes, and this makes the movie's shortcomings easier to digest.  In the interest of full disclosure, I will note that some of these shortcomings do venture into the realm of unintentional comedy; the romantic subplot is a genuine disaster, and the Stephen Furst stuff* is damn near unbearable.  However, the horror bits are both the backbone and the best parts of Silent Rage.  In addition to some quality suspense and a handful of nifty jolts, the slasher aspect of the picture yields several wicked action scenes pitting our man Chuck against a murderous madman who cannot be killed.  Of course, there's also a totally needless subplot pitting Chuck against a biker gang that leads to a big brawl but ultimately seems out of place.  Like I said earlier, it's a mixed bag.  After a rock solid opening sequence that both establishes the villain and the hero of the picture and seemingly removes the villain from the equation, the movie flounders until psycho killer John Kirby (played by Brian Libby) rises from the dead.  His resurrection comes as the result of a forbidden experiment gone awry and turns Kirby into an unstoppable madman whose wounds heal instantly.  This frightening killer with an insatiable bloodlust proceeds to wreak havoc and there's a significant portion of Silent Rage where Kirby stalks Ron Silver (in a rare sympathetic role) and his wife.  This section of the movie is incredibly intense and boasts the film's biggest scare.  There's also a bit of cat-and-mouse shortly thereafter in a hospital that is equally riveting, and the big finale is very satisfying.  The final shot is a standard genre trick, but it is executed to perfection and ends the film on a horrific note--and I'm cool with that.  If the movie were more focused on delivering on its premise and less interested in forcing romance and comedy into the mix, Silent Rage might have emerged as a minor classic.  As it is, it still stands as one of Chuck's very best, and I do rate this one as my favorite movie in his catalog given my horror jones and the strength of the parts of the movie that click.

Final Grade: B+

*As Charlie the dopey deputy, Stephen Furst bombs in a big way.  His efforts at providing comedic relief fall flat and the very presence of his character is easily the movie's biggest shortcoming.  I can't be the only one who shakes my head at the way Chuck Norris constantly assures this poor excuse for a human being that he has what it takes to be a good lawman.  Making matters worse, the end result of this exercise in poor judgment is a gruesome demise for Charlie that subsequently requires Chuck to tenderly cradle the big dumbass in his arms for a tearful goodbye.  If you can imagine that scene being anything less than an affront to acting, you have a fabulous imagination and you should definitely start your own blog. 

Chuck Norris may be the film's big selling point, but the tense and
frightening aspects of Silent Rage are the picture's biggest strengths.

 #1) Lone Wolf McQuade (1982)

Lone Wolf McQuade owes as much to spaghetti westerns as it does to karate movies, and with Chuck in the driver's seat this proves to be a match made in heaven.  The picture takes 80s action movies madness to such extremes that it is positively surreal at times, and nowhere is this more obvious than during the opening sequence.  Seriously, the approach Chuck takes to corralling a band of Mexican desperadoes in the opening reel is 100% style and 0% plausibility, but it works to perfection, setting the stage for an operatic battle between good and evil painted in vivid strokes.  Chuck was perfectly suited for the part of Texas Ranger J.J. McQuade, a determined lawman who approaches his job more like a man on a crusade than a policeman on a payroll.  The villain he must contend with is a bold kingpin with a gift for martial arts, and David Carridine was perfectly suited for this role.  McQuade is a man of grit and determination while Carradine's Rawley Wilkes is a sadistic vessel of pride and contempt.  Here is another match made in heaven, and every interaction between these two titans pops in a big way, leading up to a stellar showdown.  The score by Francesco De Masi is pure magic; while the on-screen action is already larger-than-life and bursting with color, the proceedings take on truly epic proportions when partnered with De Masi's spectacular themes.  Additionally, Lone Wolf McQuade contains the Chuck Norris scene to end all Chuck Norris scenes.  Picture this: McQuade, battered and unconscious, is tossed into his truck and the vehicle is buried beneath the desert sand.  McQuade awakens, pops the tab on a beer, takes a big chug before dousing himself with the rest, and then he lets loose with a defiant roar and drives that mother right out of the ground.  It's so damn silly and so very Chuck Norris that you can't help but love it.  Lone Wolf McQuade is a slick exercise in machismo and style that I would rank as both the best Chuck Norris film out there and one of the best 80s action movies of them all.

Final Grade: A-

Chuck Norris and David Carradine square off in a grand finale that is only one of the many epic moments in Lone Wolf McQuade.

Top 5 JCVD Movies

As an avid martial artist and a movie nut, it probably isn't all that surprising that I have such an affection for kung-fu flicks.  While it's fairly easy for me to establish the upper reaches of a hierarchy in this glorious sub-genre (Bruce Lee is king, and the Shaw Brothers catalog occupies the second rung from the top), it gets a bit murky after that.  As a child of the 80s, it's no shocker that I have mad love for Chuck, and the 90s were also very generous to my generation so far as flying kicks and karate chops are concerned.  While Steven Segal and Jean-Claude Van Damme were vying for box office supremacy on the big screen, guys like Don Wilson, Gary Daniels, and Richard Norton were kicking the shit out of the cable scene--and Jackie Chan and Jet Li were doing big business in the East.

While I enjoyed Segal's badass persona, it always bothered me that he had no real competition in his movies.  Most of his work generally consisted of him wading through hordes of low-level goons, and he rarely squared off against any real physical threats.  For the longest time, his biggest test came in the form of a coked-up William Forsythe in Out for Justice.  Meanwhile, though JCVD features piled on the cheese and chutzpah and frequently veered toward the ridiculous, he had his fair share of quality showdowns along the way.  That's primarily why I came to favor his work, and for whatever reason, I have been revisiting his catalog recently.  As I look back, I can't help but use this platform to shape and share my thoughts.

That's right, folks, it's time for another Top 5, and this one is devoted to the action move megastar known as "The Muscles from Brussels" and his acrobatic martial arts classics/cheesefests.

Top 5 JCVD Movies

#5) Cyborg (1989)

The third Van Damme movie that I ever saw (with No Retreat, No Surrender being the first and Bloodsport being the second) remains one of my favorites for many reasons.  First off, it's incredibly lean and mean.  Running a mere 86 minutes, this grim futuristic revenge saga surely ranks among the star's darkest outings.  Secondly, it features what may be his best action sequence.  The big showdown in the middle of the flick where he takes on all comers and kicks ass for a solid ten minutes or so before the numbers game and fatigue finally do him in is positively massive.  Third, I always enjoyed director Albert Pyun's hyper-charged bottom feeders, and Cyborg is probably his finest hour.  Cyborg most certainly has its flaws, to include some dodgy effects work, a narrative so simplistic that even at only 86 minutes the movie sports some padding that makes it all too redundant at times, and a climax that can't help but be overshadowed by that epic throwdown in the middle of the picture.   However, it remains a riveting showcase for JCVD.  His career was just getting started when he made this one, but his talent and charisma were evident.  The picture itself is a gripping thrill ride with one hell of a mean streak.  Including this picture on my list at #5 seems like a fair assessment, but if I'm being completely honest, it probably ranks a bit higher in my heart.

You know what?  That action sequence in the middle of Cyborg isn't just one of Van Damme's baddest setpieces, it is one of the most bone-jarring setpieces in the realm of martial arts cinema as a whole.

#4) Universal Soldier (1992)

In my opinion, this is an easy call for this particular Top 5, but it doesn't rank any higher because I feel there are a few things that should be noted.  Most importantly, I believe it is a bit overrated simply because it pits Van Damme against Dolph Lundgren.  For whatever reason, while it has never been uncommon for major stars to work together in most genres, it always seems like a big deal when a couple of action heroes share the screen.  Long before The Expendables took things to a whole new level, we had to settle for Universal Soldier and Tango & Cash, and, well, Tango & Cash is Tango & Cash.  I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean that in a Tango & Cash way--which is pretty much the same thing, but I digress.  Anyway, it seemed like a big deal when these two titans shared the screen, and they do have chemistry, and each guy brings impressive physical tools to the table.  Take the star power out of the equation, however, and you're left with a non-sensical sci-fi slugfest that defies logic at every turn.  But that's okay, because as it turns out, so long as you have JCVD and Dolph on board, you don't need logic.  The second major point I should make is that while this may be Van Damme's list, Universal Soldier is Dolph Lundgren's show.  Don't get me wrong, this is actually one of Jean-Claudes better performances, but Dolph steals every scene that he's in, steamrolling everyone around him.  Dude was clearly born to play a heavy, and the writers made this bad guy a bit of a riot, which gave Lundgren all the ammo he needed to run away with the picture.  Now, all that aside, Universal Soldier is a solid outing for Van Damme, and it is highly entertaining.  It offers up several huge action setpieces, and the filmmakers clearly spared no expense so far as big weapons and even bigger explosions are concerned.  It has a bit of heart to go along with all the mayhem, even if that bit of heart is smothered in cheese, and it is never dull.  Some may rank it a lot higher than I have, but I think the #4 spot on this list is just where this particular soldier should be deployed.

It's Van Damme's Top 5, but Universal Soldier is Dolph's movie.  Believe that.

#3) Maximum Risk 

So, this is a bit unique for one of my Top 5 lists, but I can’t see it any other way.  I am putting Maximum Risk at #3 here, and I sincerely believe that it is easily JCVD’s best movie, all things considered.  In truth, the films I will be unveiling at #2 and #1 are not that good in many ways, and each boasts numerous elements that fall under the “so bad it’s good” umbrella.  Maximum Risk, on the other hand, is a pretty damn solid venture that doesn’t veer toward the absurd or the abysmal.  However, it doesn’t have the same impact as either of those films, as they are both glorious and terrible in equal measures.  Maximum Risk suffers by comparison because it doesn’t go too heavy on the cheese and doesn’t attain nearly as much cinematic significance because it doesn’t defy logic and quality filmmaking to tremendous effect.  It merely offers up a plethora of thrills and some genuine suspense, all while telling a tale that is silly enough yet not all that far off the grid for action flicks, and it is downright mundane when viewed within the zany confines of the Van Damme catalog.  It definitely features his best adversary in Stefanos Miltsakakis, and these dudes produce three dope scraps over the course of the movie.  Their big finale is a superb close-quarters battle, and all of their throwdowns are a bit more subdued (and thereby far more realistic and exciting) than typical Jean-Claude fare, with an emphasis on grappling and sterling choreography.  Director Ringo Lam does a bang-up job with the action, providing some nifty car chases to go along with all the gunshots and fisticuffs.  The plot is convoluted and has its contrivances, to be sure, but it might as well be Heat in comparison to notable JCVD pictures like Sudden Death, Nowhere to Run, or (one of my personal favorites that did not make this list) Death Warrant.  It also features our high-kicking hero’s finest leading lady in Natasha Henstridge, who is uber talented and smoking hot—and never received her due in Hollywood.  That’s a damn shame.  All things told, I have no doubt that Maximum Risk is Van Damme’s best movie—it’s just #3 on my list if I categorize his career in terms of sheer entertainment, and, after all, that’s what we watch movies for.

These two enjoy three superb fight sequences that make Maximum Risk one of Van Damme's most thrilling movies.

#2) Hard Target (1993)

In Hard Target, JCVD stars as a buff hobo/martial arts dynamo/Marine Corps Reconnaissance veteran who sports a combination of a mullet and a perm.  That pretty much sets the stage for this one, with Lance Henriksen and Arnold Vosloo doing their best to kill our feisty hero in John Woo’s totally ridiculous take on The Most Dangerous Game.  There are scenes in this movie that reek of comedic brilliance, and yet it is an action movie--and it does benefit from Woo's stylized mayhem and Van Damme's amazing acrobatics.  Hard Target sports some of the star’s most audacious stunts, and it somehow gains points instead of losing points when these unbelievable feats come across like bits that would have been right at home in another gem from 1993, Hot Shots! Part Duex.  Yet no matter how daft the picture becomes (and it is daft, my friends, very, very daft), it remains both entertaining and compelling.  Van Damme’s Chance Boudreaux is a silly character in an extremely silly movie, no doubt about it, but you can’t help but like the guy.  He does have some funny lines, and Van Damme's overblown persona is a perfect fit for this explosive assault on common sense.  And Henriksen and Vosloo are so vile and sleazy that you can’t help but savor it when they go from stalking homeless vets with minimal athleticism and charisma to trying to hunt a ripped bum with a mullet perm who can do splits and helicopter kicks and wield any weapon in the world better than any of the bad guys.  In this movie, Van Damme: A) punches a rattlesnake and renders it unconscious so he can use it as a weapon, B) rides a motorcycle like a skateboard before leaping onto a moving van and gracefully rolling across the roof, and C) races approximately fifty yards before devastating his chief adversary with a flying sidekick while doves take flight behind him.  It's important to note that during this last spectacle, his nemesis need only raise his weapon before Van Damme completes his mad dash, but as he is stuck in ultra slow motion, he is doomed to fail.  Hard Target is more of a farce than Commando, but it has the same absurd charm—and a much better villain.  Two of them, in fact.  However, unlike Universal Soldier, JCVD manages to hold his own this time, thanks largely to Woo's artistry and a gonzo role that is right at home in this gonzo blockbuster.  It is so ludicrous that it has to be seen to be believed, but that’s okay, because you’ll have a good time seeing and believing it.  Is it a good movie or a bad movie?  I think it's both, and I also think that if you drink enough while you're watching it, you may just find Hard Target to be the best movie of all time.

Is it a perm?  Is it a mullet?  Did it make Billy Ray Cyrus jealous?

#1) Bloodsport (1988)

Bloodsport is far from perfect, but it is a damn near perfect example of the kung-fu flick.  It follows one of the surest paths to greatness in this sub-genre by focusing on a tournament (the Kumite) wherein a variety of cultures and styles will clash.  While it has some of the clunkiest exposition of all time and the intrigue away from the tournament fails to generate interest, the main dish here is the Kumite.  On that front, Bloodsport delivers in a big way, and Jean-Claude would make the most of this showcase by utilizing his acrobatic skillset to the very best of his ability.  The direction isn't bad when you consider that the areas in which the movie fails aren't the areas in which it needed to succeed most, and the score is pretty f'n rad.  The craftsmanship as a whole is robust at best and serviceable at worst.  The plot is equal parts inane 80s action flick and vintage martial arts masterpiece, and it is due to the success of the latter that it remains so entertaining.  It also spawned a few memorable lines (I'm a sucker for "I ain't your pal, dickface") and managed to spotlight JCVD's charisma as well as his incredible kicks.  If Cyborg made it clear that Van Damme had potential, Bloodsport took it one step further and established him as a star in this genre.  He has a few good battles in this one, but it's the pulse-pounding finale pitting him against the vicious Chong Li (played to sheer perfection by seasoned vet Bolo Yeung) that seals the deal.  Bloodsport arrived as the sort of film that action movie fanatics and martial arts fans alike would savor for decades, and it remains Jean-Claude Van Damme's strongest effort.  It is a perfect example of the sort of picture that made The Cannon Group so famous and infamous in equal measures.  It has a bare-bones plot, a clumsy set-up, and it suffers from a love angle that fizzles along with some needless subplots.  It succeeds, however, by placing its emphasis on a likable hero and a series of high-octane action sequences that test his mettle.  The fun concludes when our worthy hero overcomes all odds and emerges victorious, and if you're looking for a good time at the movies, there's nothing wrong with that.  When I set about ranking Jean-Claude's body of work, I found an awful lot to enjoy, but there was no doubt that Bloodsport would be the last movie standing in this Top 5.

Note: ignore the claims that the film is based on fact.  So far as anyone knows, the real Frank Dux is a bullshit artist, not a champion.

From reel to reel, Van Damme's breakthrough movie probably utilizes more of his awe-inspiring athleticism than any of his future vehicles.  

So there you have it, folks.  I must admit, this Top 5 has been a lot of fun.  I loved JCVD movies in my youth, and I had a lot of fun revisiting them.  The martial arts mayhem that made them pop is still exciting, though I didn't realize just how silly a lot of these pictures were back then.  That only made them more entertaining now, and I have to say that Van Damme churned out a lot of winners in his heyday.  Nailing down this Top 5 proved difficult, and there are several honorable mentions.  Once I moved beyond the top three, I found that a lot of the films in consideration were on pretty even footing.  Films that warranted serious consideration but failed to make the cut here include Lionheart, Death Warrant, Sudden Death, Nowhere to Run, Kickboxer, Replicant, and Until Death.  I also enjoyed Jean-Claude a lot as the villain in The Expendables 2 even if his showdown with Sly left a lot to be desired, and I wouldn't be surprised if he manages to make another big hit before all is said and done.  He can still kick, and he still has mad charisma.  He just needs the right project, and I would love to see him land it.