Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Even the best martial arts movies are a bit goofy, that's the nature of the beast.  If you're going to depict people settling their disputes with a series of colorful showdowns where kung-fu chops and flying kicks decide the battle, you're clearly veering merrily toward the absurd.  Still, most examples of this genre I cherish so much try to operate with something that resembles a poker face.  No Retreat, No Surrender has no shame, good people, no shame whatsoever.  These filmmakers just pile it on.  It's kinda like The Karate Kid, except the villain is basically Ivan Drago as played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.  And instead of Mr. Miyagi, our hero takes lessons from the ghost of Bruce Lee.  No bullshit.  And no 80s cliches were spared, and no fucks were given.  As a result, No Retreat, No Surrender is a cringe-worthy diet of glossy ineptitude complete with a goofy soundtrack boasting hair metal power ballads that often serve as narration.  No, really, and it's horrible, my friends, just horrible.  There are editing mishaps, cliches, line deliveries that are embarrassing to behold, more cliches, and a few more cliches thrown in for good measure as ludicrous plot developments steer us toward a conclusion that is silly as hell.  No, sillier than that.  And, yes, it's also fun, partly because it's one of those good bad movies and it is brimming with unintentional humor, but also because you can't help but get caught up in this shit.  You will cheer at times, and you will feel like an absolute dumbass when you do.  Trust me.  No Retreat, No Surrender approaches cult status by virtue of calamity and aplomb.  Well, that and the undeniable fact that buried within the various mishaps and missteps, there are a couple of worthwhile performances, a few potent bits, and some quality choreography.  Bottom line: it's an entertaining clusterfuck.  You will enjoy it, but some of your brain cells will surely die while you're watching it.

Final Grade: C-

His acting may not be hitting on much in this early role,
but Van Damme shows incredible star power by way of his dazzling physical talents.  

Short Attention Span Review - The Prodigy (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - The Prodigy (2019)

Man, those creepy kids.  They get me every time.  I think they give a lot of us the willies, because the creepy kid sub-genre is always churning out new additions.  The problem with a lot of these flicks is that they often cover similar ground.  I think that's why I found the first half of The Prodigy so refreshing.  It sought to do something different, and it did so effectively.  Not only that, but it was subdued and spooky.  Had something of a classy horror vibe to it.  That's when the picture was at its best.  As it neared the end, it did a lot of things that we have seen before.  It did them well, and it was nice and dark--some of these developments were downright horrific, and the execution was sound.  Still, given that it began as a departure, I found the familiar beats in the closing reel to be a bit of a letdown.  In particular, the ending itself was basically a carbon copy of the conclusion to my favorite example of this sub-genre, a masterpiece in the horror genre at large that will go unnamed here because this note would be quite the spoiler otherwise.  That felt a bit lazy, and undermined a lot of the good faith this one built up for much of its runtime.  Still, it certainly held my interest, and there were some quality jolts in the mix.  The performances were compelling, the atmosphere was rich, and the technical merits were all top-notch.  The Prodigy is a well-made horror movie, and it certainly warrants some praise.  Having said that, if the finale could have been as inventive as the opening, this one may have emerged as a minor classic.

Final Grade: B-

The Prodigy is a pretty good example of the creepy kid sub-genre, which always manages to deliver a few chills.

Short Attention Span Review - Brightburn (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Brightburn (2019)

Brightburn is a pretty good horror movie built upon a premise that feels much bigger than the fruit it has produced.  I enjoyed it, and I think most horror fans will find it to be perfectly satisfactory.  And I also reckon that many others will share the notion that it could have been much better.  Maybe that's unfair; after all, I'm not sure exactly what more I wanted from it.  Then again, this is a dark riff on the superhero genre, and I find that superhero movies without a worthy antagonist fall short of the mark.  Maybe that's what's lacking here.  Once the picture takes shape, it is quite clear that the protagonists don't stand a chance.  Making matters worse, they're not smart enough or tough enough for your garden variety fright flick threat, much less young Superman by way of John Carpenter.  Still, there are dark thrills aplenty in Brightburn, and there's a surprising amount of gore.  The kills are pretty sadistic, and once things heat up in the second act, they come fast and furious.  Elizabeth Banks is awesome, but that's old news.  David Denman impressed me with his efforts to depict both a pissed off dad who feels the need to put his foot down and a dad who recognizes that his son could incinerate him with laser vision.  Most importantly,  Jackson A. Dunn made for one creepy kid.  Just a mean little bastard.  With super powers.  Yeah, that's pretty scary, but I just can't help but feel that it could have been scarier.  Sometimes that's the danger with a really sound pitch--even if you deliver the goods, you may leave people wishing you had somehow done more.  Anyway, it's still a dope movie, and I am not playing about those gruesome kills.  

Final Grade: B-

Brightburn is dark and surprisingly gory.  It is also a good movie, but one can't help but feel that the premise should have yielded something bigger.

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Blood Fest is one of those fast-paced and energetic flicks that aim to pay homage to the slasher sub-genre while finding a few new wrinkles to explore along the way.  But there's no concerted effort to deliver some sort of classic, to join the ranks of Halloween or Scream.  And that, my friends, is a good thing.  In my humble opinion, there's no better way to muck up this beloved sub-genre than to start thinking franchise and legacy before you put one rock-solid film in the can.   Blood Fest has no illusions of grandeur, but it wants to shake and move from the first shot all the way to the last.  It peppers us with diabolical kills, laughs, cool characters to spare, and some gnarly sets and shenanigans.  It works in most of these areas far more often than it falters, and it really clicks where those characters are concerned.  I liked all of our principals, with a secondary character who was a misunderstood actor who had portrayed a slasher himself being my favorite.  This gave the picture a bit more importance than it may have warranted otherwise, and each kill hit me pretty hard.  In the average slasher flick, there are one or two characters you dig, a handful of characters you could care less about, and at least one schmuck who can't get offed soon enough.  This picture has a schmuck, to be sure, but beyond that, I really liked everyone else mired in this quirky struggle for survival.  The set-up worked, the effects were quality, the score was on point, and the talent in front of the camera and their peers toiling behind the camera all earned their pay.  Was it a great horror movie?  No, but that was never in the cards.  Was it a fun slasher flick that I can easily recommend to all of my readers?  Damn straight.  Job well done, Blood Fest.

Final Grade: B+

Bloody, fun, witty, and (most importantly) populated by likable characters, Blood Fest is a worthwhile slasher flick that this particular horror junkie slept on for far too long. 

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

I plucked one from the archives today.  The Kindred is a late 80s monster movie that I may have rented a few too many times during my unruly youth.  It is rather gooey, and while I can't rightfully say that it is very good, it is a fun little monster movie.  Like many such affairs that go big often, it lands a few solid punches when it isn't getting knocked on its slimy ass.  Translation: there are some bits that work well and some gnarly effects, and there are also some sequences that fall flat and some effects that miss the mark.  By a lot.  The cast is game, with a young Amanda Pays standing out here and there while Rod Steiger slums it up.  To his credit, while many performers of his caliber would shift into neutral while slumming, Steiger actually seems pretty into it.  And the poor boy does take his lumps in the closing reel, so that is rather commendable.  Our lead (David Allen Brooks as John Hollins) doesn't exactly light up the screen, but he doesn't fall flat either.  Peter Frechette seems a little fierier in a lesser role, and this may be why he suddenly rises to the forefront in the closing reel.  The atmosphere is nice and sinister, the premise is just kooky enough to keep us involved, and an average monster movie is always better than even the greatest love stories captured on film.  That's how I see the world, anyhow.  So, yeah, this is just an average monster movie, nothing more, nothing less, but it was nice to take a stroll down memory lane.  Yes, good people of the internet, I enjoyed revisiting these crazy kids and their grotesque vaguely humanoid siblings.  And if you dig creature features too, you could do far worse.

Final Grade: C

The Kindred is a gooey mess, but it's a lot more entertaining than Gone with the Wind or Titanic.  True story.

Short Attention Span Review - A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

Short Attention Span Review - A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

Oye.  This movie had so much potential, but it just couldn't connect the dots.  While director Renny Harlin did manage to drop some cool imagery on us, and there were some rather solid action bits, a lack of character development and a jokey script undermined his efforts.  Robert Englund was surely invested in the material, and seemed to be having a ball with his part, but it was just a little too much.  I enjoyed some of Freddy's wisecracks, but I didn't really want to see him portrayed as a murderous clown.  And that was apparently the goal in The Dream Master, which also suffered from a number of cringeworthy gags that missed the mark entirely.  There were some zingers that landed, and some of the creativity that made Dream Warriors a winner made it onto the screen.  However, while it was servicable for this type of flick, the effects work wasn't quite as good as what we saw in the prior entry.  The script dispensed with several pivotal characters with minimal fanfare, and failed to develop their succesors enough to inspire me to root for them.  Aside from the roach kill and a rousing finale, I nearly lost interest.  To be fair, the roach kill was totally f'n gnarly, but by the time I got to that part. it was a genuine "too little, too late" scenario.  Then we got the parting shot, an obligatory "Freddy's still out there" gimmick--and it was really, really weak.  In fact, that would be an adequate summary of this late 80s slasher sequel: really, really weak.  If not for that one wild moment when The Dream Master totally bugged out, I would give this one an "F."

Final Grade: D-

Robert Englund has a great time with The Dream Master.  I did not.

Short Attention Span Review - Black Rain (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - Black Rain (1989)

Black Rain is a real mixed bag.  It has so much going for it, but it is also littered with glaring flaws.  The visuals are a treat, with director Ridley Scott making the most of every environment the film inhabits.  He also delivers some riveting action setpieces, and star Michael Douglas shines in one of his grittiest and most physical roles.  I liked that the movie wasn't shy about venturing into some grey areas, with our dogged hero admitting to being on the take in one of Black Rain's most powerful scenes.  I really dig Yusaku Matsuda in the the last part he would ever play (unbeknownst to Scott, Matsuda was in the latter stages of a battle with cancer, and would perish weeks after the film premiered) as the villainous Sato.  He really delivered in a huge way, snarling and sneering without overplaying his hand.  He doesn't steal scenes with his bravado, but ratchets up the excitement with every appearance.  That's a lot to enjoy, and I almost forgot to mention Andy Garcia having way too much fun as the clearly doomed sidekick with a big heart and a great smile.  The producers must have realized just how obvious his ultimate fate was--they featured his decapitation in the theatrical trailer. So what went wrong?  First off, the song (no, I'm not going to bother looking it up--better that it go unnamed herein) that plays over the opening and closing credits is an unforgivable offense.  Secondly, the script drops the ball repeatedly where logic is concerned.  I mean, there are maybe a dozen total fails on this front.  This happens so often that our hero begins to seem like a very intense and equally conflicted buffoon.  Dude would have lasted about ten minutes in Japan.  He basically veers from one situation to another that should have led to either the loss of his job or his life.  It would be safe to consider him rather fortunate, for while he emerges unscathed, his behavior does result in his Japanese cohort losing his job and his American partner losing his life.  Those are the breaks when you sign up to be a sidekick.  Thankfully, the former does salvage his career, and in the end, he and Douglas find honor and even receive medals for an unsanctioned sting operation that results in a catastrophic loss of property and life.  Yeah, Black Rain has its good points, but it is pretty damn dumb.

Final Grade: C

Douglas proves more than capable in the role of a rugged action hero.  Having said that,  a problematic script  nearly steals his thunder.

Short Attention Span Review - Nightmare Cinema (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Nightmare Cinema (2019)

I could cry.  I was so hyped for this one, peeps.  I love anthologies.  I love Mickey Rourke.  I would rate Joe Dante among the very best directors out there, and Mick Garris is no slouch.  And there are other talents involved with this production who have a solid reputation within the horror genre and beyond.  And things started with a bang--I really, really enjoyed the first entry from Alejandro Brugues, an energetic romp that carved the slasher flick into entertaing slivers.  This unruly delight seemingly set the stage for exactly what I hoped Nightmare Cinema would be.  Man, we were off and rolling.  Dante's tale came next, and it started well enough, and didn't fail from an execution standpoint, though the conclusion was both lackluster and oh so tired and forced.  The third entry courtesy of Ryuhei Kitamura was a fucking mess; it seemed to be aiming for the same territory that the legendary bad movie The Visitor occupied, but it made that seminal catastraphe from 1979 seem coherent.  Lame, amateurish, ill-conceived, poorly plotted, and totally pedestrian--I was ready to bail, but I had to see if things would pick up.  The fourth tale was at least shot well by David Slade, and it held my interest, but it didn't offer much in the way of substance.  I appreciated the darkness and the precision that fueled this one, but as with Dante's work herein, it ended in such a way that it felt like yet another missed opportunity.  This brought me to the last story, directed by Garris, and it was okay, I guess, though it brought nothing new to the table and didn't offer much at all in the way of impact.  It was so-so at best.  Finally, the wraparound material (also directed by Garris) featuring Mickey Rourke as The Projectionist was shoddy at best and laughable at worst.  Rourke didn't even appear for a couple of segments, and while there was an idea there that could work in this context, it just felt like a lazy attempt to tie things together.  Nightmare Cinema is a loser, my friends, and it pains me to say that.  It's a loser where both anthologies and horror movies in general are concerned.  The first segment is a lot of fun, but it is the only piece of this lousy pie that is worthwhile.  What a bummer.

Final Grade: D-

Do Mickey a favor.  Watch The Wrestler instead.  

Short Attention Span Review - The Meg (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - The Meg (2018)

Ever since Jaws gave us the summer blockbuster, shark movies have been a thing.  And while most everyone recognizes Jaws as a legitimate masterpiece, none of these successors have come close to challenging for the crown despite the technological advances of the motion picture industry.  Lately, many films in this niche have embraced their second-tier ceiling and opted to pile on the cheese.  This effects-laden blockbuster straddles the line; the pitch (Jason Statham versus a dinosaur shark) sounds like pure schlock, but the script and execution aim for something more.  In retrospect, I wonder if the filmmakers would have been better served by embracing the zany nature of the piece and taking the plunge.  Here's why: as sound as the production values are, and as well as the picture is shot, things seem to work best when it is at its silliest.  And when it veers toward a more sincere approach, it can never quite overcome the ludicrous trappings of the production.  Even when an emphasis is placed on building or maintaining some degree of credibility, it still boils down to Jason Statham versus a dinosaur shark.  And Jason Statham spends a lot of the movie in the water, throwing down with a dinosaur shark.  I kept waiting for him to kick it.  Is The Meg entertaining?  It is, but it's not quite as entertaining as it should be.  It's way too silly to be taken serious, but the filmmakers treat it way too seriously to give the audience a silly good time.  That's the problem.  The good news is Jason Statham, who is all in, and does as well as anyone could have in a role that runs contrary to his greatest strengths* as a performer.  It's a big performance in a big movie--with an even bigger shark--and Statham nails it.

*Those kicks.

Final Grade: C+

The Meg is essentially Jason Statham versus a giant shark--and it is as good (and bad) as that premise would suggest.

Short Attention Span Review - Jackie Chan's First Strike (1996)

Short Attention Span Review - Jackie Chan's First Strike (1996)

I've been on a bit of a Jackie Chan kick lately.  Last week, I reviewed Police Story, which I have always regarded as one of this acrobatic and lovable martial arts phenom's better efforts.  I think most fans would agree with me on that.  I'm also a big fan of First Strike, which I revisited last night, and I think a lot of those same fans would rate this one as mediocre.  Now, I enjoy Police Story a little more, and I can see why this globe-trotting romp with Jackie riffing on James Bond may not get as much love.  It's definitely sillier than most of the star's pictures, with a convoluted plot and a series of playful action scenes that are utterly devoid of the bloody grit that made the mall setpiece in Police Story so f'n gnarly.  However, as I noted in my review of Police Story, the odd blend of slapstick and bone-crunching mayhem is more than a little offputting.  First Strike doesn't have the same problem; the tone is consistent whether the picture is focused on espionage or a dazzling showdown where Jackie uses ladders as weapons.  It's all in good fun, and though the stakes are high (there's a nuclear warhead involved), First Strike aims for the funny bone from start to finish.  Now, that is a curious juxtaposition in and of itself, but it works surprisingly well.  It's not really a parody of the sub-genre, but simply replacing a typical super spy with a bumbling but sincere Jackie Chan softens the impact and defangs the more sinister undercurrents in play.  What we're left with is a fast-paced and engaging picture that features some of my favorite stunts from this legendary daredevil.  In particular, I treasure that ladder bit and a stellar grand finale that spotlights some sensational underwater fight choreography--and includes sharks.  I find this 1996 vehicle for a global superstar in his prime to be an entertaining affair with a nice mix of laughs and amazing stunts.  While it may not receive as much fanfare as his most celebrated productions, I think it's almost at the same level, and I'm glad I gave it another look.

Final Grade: B

The ladder sequence is most definitely a highlight of this silly showcase.

Monster Jams: Tool - Fear Innoculum (released 8/30/2019)

Monster Jams:  Tool - Fear Innoculum (released 8/30/2019)

It's not easy to review an album like this, an experience that must be heard, but I will take a stab at it nonetheless.  Tool has always been a visionary act, an astounding collective fueled by imagination, artistry, and serious chops.  Thirteen years after their last release, they are back with Fear Innoculum, a deft masterpiece that proves to be well worth the wait--and undoubtedly houses hidden treasures that will emerge upon repeated listenings.  There is a depth to these songs that seems to dwarf most of what's out there, and there is a brazen thirst for exploration that remains as unified as it is bold.  The band embarks upon songs that feel like the sonic equivalent of epic journeys, and they do so with an ease that belies the innate grandeur of their musical dexterity.  The cuts here are fierce, haunting, playful, driving, ominous, absolutely beautiful, and, most importantly, fully immersive.  Despite running contrary to anything that the current landscape represents, these powerful contributions to the band's robust catalog are nothing if not accessible, this in spite of the scope and complexity on display.  Most tracks exceed ten minutes in length and cover a lot of territory, but there is a cohesion that never falters.  Expectations are repeatedly cast aside so that the music can explode in another direction or recede into a valley, where it may emerge as either a loving harmony or an aggressive attack.  This may sound rather exhausting, though it is truthfully anything but; there is no fatigue when dipping into this provocative pool, only excitement, and perhaps even joy.  I'm not sure exactly what I wanted from Fear Innoculum, but I know it will take some time to properly embrace what I got--and it's more than we deserved.

Final Grade: A+

Well. it took long enough, but Fear Innoculum is a delightful cabinet of curiosities for fans to cherish and explore.

Comics Corner - Conan the Barbarian: Exodus #1

Comics Corner - Conan the Barbarian: Exodus #1

You're already aware that I took great pleasure in Conan's return to Marvel.  Today, this worthy pairing provided me with a completely fresh take on the rugged barbarian.  Gifted artist Esad Ribic is the man responsible for this book, handing the artwork and the story, and he brings something unique to each side of the coin.  The tale is painted, and there is an elegance and a realism to his approach that is a stark departure from the usual pulpy and lurid depictions of this iconic character.  The plot is unveiled entirely through these stunning images, as there is no text.  This does not handicap the comic given the power and insight Esad has applied to this undertaking with his tremendous talent.  A harrowing journey springs to life in these breathtaking pages, and we can practically feel the chill in our bones as our young Cimmerian struggles to survive in a harsh winter landscape.  Conan is both predator and prey in a stirring rendition of desperation and liberation.  Perhaps the most impressive thing about this title is the way it offers readers a fine departure and yet remains true to the character we know and love.  Conan the Barbarian: Exodus is an inventive pageturner that I really enjoyed, and I'm happy to use this platform to promote it.

Final Grade: A

Brought to lifein stunning fashion by beautiful paintings and an absence of text, Conan the Barbarian: Exodus is a true piece of art.

Short Attention Span Review - Us (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Us (2019)

In the early stages, I found much to enjoy about Us.  Jordan Peele's direction is a powerful strength, and I found the characters interesting and the performanves engaging.  As Peele laid the foundation for this picture, I felt that I was venturing into masterpiece territory.  He did wonders with the atmosphere, and the premise really had me.  The score was a major attribute, and the cinematography was flawless.  Unfortunately, the movie never really took off, and the more it stuttered and stumbled, the greater my frustration became.  By the end, I just wasn't feeling Us at all, and despite a wicked little flourish right before the credits rolled, I have to chalk this one up as a loss.  I deeply wish that the pacing would have been diffeent; the picture is maybe ten to twenty minutes too long, and works best in the second half of the runtime when it is committed to carnage.  Unfortunately, it would pick up steam only to abandon that momentum, often at the expense of character logic.  There were a couple of scenes where people sat around and talked when they should have been running or fighting for their lives.  In a way, I felt that the movie reached a point where it should have descended into chaos by virtue of the premise, but the filmmakers preferred something akin to an intellectual high ground.  I also wish there had been a bit more mystery.  As Peele focused more and more on unraveling the sinister aspects of Us and building a mythology to support the premise, the film grew less potent and engaging.  By the time all the cards had been shown, I felt the movie had basically collapsed--and filmmakers are not required to show all of their cards.  To summarize, I really enjoyed the way Us began, and I do believe that a genuine showstopper could have been erected upon that foundation, but I can't say that I enjoyed Us as a whole.

Final Grade: D+

Creepy imagery abounds in Us, but a lethargic pace and an overwrought plot drag the proceedings down.

Short Attention Span Review - Police Story (1985)

Short Attention Span Review - Police Story (1985)

Jackie Chan movies are certainly unique.  Police Story, one of his best features, is a fine example of the curious juxtaposition that Jackie enjoyed.  Police Story is equal parts slapstick, farce, and extreme violence.  It is incredibly physical, with Jackie throwing himself into both the comedic bits and the stupendous stunts with reckless aplomb.  In a way, the formula is deeply flawed, in that those who appreciate Jackie's silly antics the most probably cringe at those bone-crunching displays of martial arts mayhem--and vice-versa.  And the pictures these trademark areas of expertise yield are often uneven, as striking a balance with these disparate elements presents considerable difficulties.  Yet the reason for Jackie's enduring success is no mystery: he has incredible skills where both foolish shenanigans and dazzling action setpieces are concerned, and his passion for filmmaking is damn near unrivalled.  Police Story showcased the star at his peak, and thus produced a fair amount of chuckles and several amazing stunts.  In particular, the big finale is a true showstopper.  Set within a mall, this has to rate among Jackie's most spectacular exercises in choreagraphy, combining chases, clashes, and daring feats in an explosive demonstration of filmmaking bravado.  It's a bloodbath at times, with so much broken glass coming into play that the cast and crew allegedly dubbed the picture "Glass Story" during production.  While this is only one of the film's highlights, Police Story is worth watching for the rousing climax alone.  As a sum of its parts, it is a prototypical Jackie Chan vehicle, and that makes it an odd trip, but a trip well worth taking.

Final Grade: B+

The climax is all about gonzo stunts, stunning choreagraphy, and shattered glass.

Short Attention Span Review - Alita: Battle Angel (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Alita: Battle Angel (2019)

Alita: Battle Angel is a quirky thrill ride, an energetic B movie with A-List special effects and delusions of grandeur.  When it focuses on those amazing effects or the equally dope action bits, it delivers the goods in a big way.  When it plays up the intrigue and the suspense of the premise, it fares almost as well.  However, for the most part, attempts to tug at our heartstrings either fall flat or prove outright cringeworthy.  It also suffers a bit because it is clearly intended to kickstart a franchise that appears unlikely to develop--and as such, it feels incomplete.  Oh, but those effects are something to behold, and Robert Rodriguez really slays it with each and every action sequence.  Every fight is an event, and there are some wild ideas in play where weapons and choreography are concerned.  The creativity is off the charts, and in terms of spectacle, Alita: Battle Angel is a film that goes big often, and comes up aces every time.  And to be fair, the actors show up to play, with Christolph Waltz and Jennifer Connelly bringing considerable gravity to the movie, while Mahershala Ali is more than competent in a part that really isn't worthy of his presence.  Star Rosa Salazar is pretty much perfect in a lead role that demands an awful lot, and there is a solid supporting cast to round things out.  It's all put together remarkably well; the emotional hiccups largely stem from a script that aims to cover too much ground and yet isn't allowed to come full circle as a matter of structure.  It's this combinition of feeling rushed at times and ultimately unfinished that handicaps the experience.  Still, for most of its runtime, Alita: Battle Angel is a delightful display of startling imagination and audacious carnage.

Final Grade: B

Alita: Battle Angel is a rip-roaring B movie that aims to do more, resulting in a rip-roaring  B movie with a few emotional hang-ups.

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

I should have known better.  I really should have.  But the cover was so pulpy and colorful, and the packaging seemed to promise a good time at the movies courtesy of a cheeky horror flick.  And so I journeyed to Forbidden World.  I did not enjoy my stay there.  Look, I enjoy some low-budget affairs (heck, I consider myself a John "Bud" Cardos fan), but this film looked cheap, sounded cheap, and felt cheap.  It was a ripoff, but that doesn't necessarily doom a film in my book.  It was also more of a softcore extravaganza than a horror film or a science fiction film.  And you know what?  June Chadwick is very easy on the eyes.  But is there any such thing as a good softcore movie?  And, so help me, watching poor June and her equally enticing co-star Dawn Dunlap throw themselves at star Jesse Vint (no offense, but dude is a far cry from anything resembling a stud-muffin) proved harder to digest than the hokey effects.  So, you know, I'm sure some of the people involved tried.  Maybe they tried really hard.  But that doesn't change the fact that Forbidden World is a tacky clone based on a flimsy script, featuring some bad acting (this doesn't include dear June Chadwick going wild for Jesse Vint, which was frankly Oscar-worthy stuff), cheap sets, lousy effects, and even recycled footage.  The only thing this movie has going for it would be those hot chicks throwing down with some slightly below-average Joe with a laser pistol, and a heavy dose of gore.  And I kinda liked the score.  For some, that may be enough, but I thought it was trash.  Anyone out there looking to score a copy of Forbidden World on Blu-Ray?

Final Grade: D-

Okay, June Chadwick is sensational to look at, no doubt it, but that's just not enough to make a trip to this Forbidden World worthwhile.

Short Attention Span Review - Lonesome Dove (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - Lonesome Dove (1989)

There's a reason so many people make such a fuss about Lonesome Dove, a sprawling epic from 1989 that still holds a lot of appeal for those who enjoy a good western.  It is a quality adaptation of a powerful story, and it features two stars enjoying robust parts perfectly tailored to their strengths.  I'm not sure that either Robert Duvall or Tommy Lee Jones were ever given as much to do with a role, and even though this is a mini-series, that's still a bold statement given their legendary careers.  This is a different animal, though, a work of considerable depth that is ripe with triumph and tragedy, laughter and heartache, excitement and drama--Lonesome Dove offers up all these things and so much more.  It is an ensemble piece, and other players like Danny Glover, Diane Lane, and Robert Urich, among others, have quite an impact on the proceedings.  But it is Duvall and Jones who are front and center throughout, and each man does a splendid job of bringing his character to life, aided by a Grade A script and equally compelling direction.  Gritty, warm, cold as ice, riveting, unbelievably sad, and truly inspiring, this tale leaves no stone unturned and hits the mark at every turn.  It is a grand western with a great many things to say, and it is sure to move anyone and everyone who joins a pair of rugged former Texas Rangers on an unforgettable cattle drive.  Lonesome Dove is a must-watch for those who enjoy the genre, and I have no qualms endorsing it for those who don't typically appreciate such fare.  Like I noted earlier, Lonesome Dove is a different animal, certain to reward viewers for years to come, and I heartily recommend it to those who enjoy my blog.

Final Grade: A+

Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones are simply magnificent in this epic miniseries from 1989.  Nope, they don't make them like they used to.

Short Attention Span Review - Passengers (2016)

Short Attention Span Review - Passengers (2016)

Passengers is a movie about many things, but it is primarily concerned with our need for companionship.  On a journey through space that will last something like 120 years, Chris Pratt's character wakes up prematurely with 90 years left to go.  His pod cannot be repaired, so he cannot go back to sleep and join the thousands of passengers who are blissfully unaware of his troubles.  Will he spend the rest of his life alone?  This difficult question becomes even tougher to grapple with when he discovers the writings of Jennifer Lawrence's character and essentially falls for her--this while she sleeps peacefully in her pod and he grapples with the strain of isolation.  Like most great speculative features, the movie hinges on the strength of this question: what would you do?  It's a powerful question, and Passengers presents it with impressive clarity.  It subsequently does a fine job of showing these characters build a life together under such extraordinary circumstances--and then, of course, Lawrence's character finds out what happened, and the movie asks a second profound question: what would you do if someone else pulled you into such a situation?  There is more at stake in Passengers, there is something amiss about the vessel these characters inhabit, which is why one of the pods malfunctioned to begin with.  Before the movie ends, these characters will have to work together to save themselves and all the other passengers.  There will be excitement and suspense, and the drama will be heightened as they struggle with impossible odds.  All of this is handled well; Passengers is a great-looking feature, and the direction, effects, and score are all dynamic.  In the end, however, it all really boils down to those questions and the work of Pratt and Lawrence, who do a fantastic job of exploring the material and bringing this stirring journey to life.

Final Grade: A

Pratt and Lawrence are asked to do an awful lot in what is essentially a two-person show, and each proves more than capable.

Short Attention Span Review - The Seven-Ups (1973)

Short Attention Span Review - The Seven-Ups (1973)

As a Jaws fanatic, it should come as no surprise that I'm a big fan of Roy Scheider, and the dude just positively killed it in the 70s.  Jaws is my favorite movie, Sorcerer is a scorcher, All That Jazz is sensational, and in addition to lead roles in those winners, Scheider co-starred in notable pictures like Marathon Man and The French Connection.  While The Seven-Ups isn't on par with those films, it is a capable thriller with a nifty plot and enough white-knuckle thrills to warrant a viewing.  Scheider is rock solid in the lead role, and this cops and robbers yarn moves at a brisk pace.  The biggest takeaway here, though, is a marvelous car chase.  I don't think I've ever seen this movie discussed when great car chases in cinema are debated, and it belongs in that conversation.  While it is a bit basic in many ways and doesn't approach greatness, The Seven-Ups is a solid venture that delivers a potent mix of thrills and intrigue.  Bonus points awarded for Richard Lynch's work as one of the primary villains and the ominous score from Don Ellis, whose efforts here would likely be more at home in a chiller.  I thought that dark score worked well here, ramping up the tension and underscoring the carnage.  In summary, while The Seven-Ups doesn't stack up to Roy's biggest features produced in the same decade, it is perfectly serviceable--it's a gritty thriller with a fine lead, enough suspense to keep the viewer invested, and one extra gnarly car chase.  Buckle up.

Final Grade: B+

I gave this one a B+ and not just a B because of that riveting car chase.

Short Attention Span Review - Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Short Attention Span Review - Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Dark as all get out, quirky at every turn, and punctuated by startling displays of violence, Dog Eat Dog is a comedy at heart.  And it's a sick comedy, and several key plot points are nothing short of revolting, but damn if it isn't funny.  Aside from dishing out disturbing chuckles, it also takes time to explore the nature of good and evil at the intersection of convenience if not need, and it asks whether or not a hardened con is more or less inclined (or even capable) of changing after spending time behind bars.  None of the answers this quixotic offering from Paul Schrader provides are all that hopeful, and many of the biggest questions aren't really answered at all.  This is a journey with an ultimate destination that is difficult to define, and there are several junctures where the line between reality and fantasy are blurred.  In truth, I think Schrader was more interested in showcasing his talent and provoking the audience than in arriving at anything resembling a conclusion, and this may be both the picture's greatest flaw and its biggest selling point.  Cage is on in a relatively tame performance, while Dafoe is at his best in a dizzying turn as a run of the mill fearsome lovable lunatic with bloody hands and a warm smile.  I can't tell you what it all means, but I can tell you that I laughed way more than I should have, and I was never bored by this wonky caper flick from a tinseltown legend who shows no signs of mellowing with age.

Final Grade: B

It can't be easy to out-crazy Nicolas Cage on set, but this guy got the job done.  In truth, the script decided this battle in his favor before filming ever started.