Showing posts with label shark attack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shark attack. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Short Attention Span Review - The Meg (2018)


Short Attention Span Review - The Meg (2018)

Ever since Jaws gave us the summer blockbuster, shark movies have been a thing.  And while most everyone recognizes Jaws as a legitimate masterpiece, none of these successors have come close to challenging for the crown despite the technological advances of the motion picture industry.  Lately, many films in this niche have embraced their second-tier ceiling and opted to pile on the cheese.  This effects-laden blockbuster straddles the line; the pitch (Jason Statham versus a dinosaur shark) sounds like pure schlock, but the script and execution aim for something more.  In retrospect, I wonder if the filmmakers would have been better served by embracing the zany nature of the piece and taking the plunge.  Here's why: as sound as the production values are, and as well as the picture is shot, things seem to work best when it is at its silliest.  And when it veers toward a more sincere approach, it can never quite overcome the ludicrous trappings of the production.  Even when an emphasis is placed on building or maintaining some degree of credibility, it still boils down to Jason Statham versus a dinosaur shark.  And Jason Statham spends a lot of the movie in the water, throwing down with a dinosaur shark.  I kept waiting for him to kick it.  Is The Meg entertaining?  It is, but it's not quite as entertaining as it should be.  It's way too silly to be taken serious, but the filmmakers treat it way too seriously to give the audience a silly good time.  That's the problem.  The good news is Jason Statham, who is all in, and does as well as anyone could have in a role that runs contrary to his greatest strengths* as a performer.  It's a big performance in a big movie--with an even bigger shark--and Statham nails it.

*Those kicks.

Final Grade: C+


The Meg is essentially Jason Statham versus a giant shark--and it is as good (and bad) as that premise would suggest.

Monday, September 2, 2019

Short Attention Span Review - Jackie Chan's First Strike (1996)


Short Attention Span Review - Jackie Chan's First Strike (1996)

I've been on a bit of a Jackie Chan kick lately.  Last week, I reviewed Police Story, which I have always regarded as one of this acrobatic and lovable martial arts phenom's better efforts.  I think most fans would agree with me on that.  I'm also a big fan of First Strike, which I revisited last night, and I think a lot of those same fans would rate this one as mediocre.  Now, I enjoy Police Story a little more, and I can see why this globe-trotting romp with Jackie riffing on James Bond may not get as much love.  It's definitely sillier than most of the star's pictures, with a convoluted plot and a series of playful action scenes that are utterly devoid of the bloody grit that made the mall setpiece in Police Story so f'n gnarly.  However, as I noted in my review of Police Story, the odd blend of slapstick and bone-crunching mayhem is more than a little offputting.  First Strike doesn't have the same problem; the tone is consistent whether the picture is focused on espionage or a dazzling showdown where Jackie uses ladders as weapons.  It's all in good fun, and though the stakes are high (there's a nuclear warhead involved), First Strike aims for the funny bone from start to finish.  Now, that is a curious juxtaposition in and of itself, but it works surprisingly well.  It's not really a parody of the sub-genre, but simply replacing a typical super spy with a bumbling but sincere Jackie Chan softens the impact and defangs the more sinister undercurrents in play.  What we're left with is a fast-paced and engaging picture that features some of my favorite stunts from this legendary daredevil.  In particular, I treasure that ladder bit and a stellar grand finale that spotlights some sensational underwater fight choreography--and includes sharks.  I find this 1996 vehicle for a global superstar in his prime to be an entertaining affair with a nice mix of laughs and amazing stunts.  While it may not receive as much fanfare as his most celebrated productions, I think it's almost at the same level, and I'm glad I gave it another look.

Final Grade: B


The ladder sequence is most definitely a highlight of this silly showcase.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Short Attention Span Review: The Shallows (2016)


Short Attention Span Review: The Shallows (2016)

There are two basic principles to consider when making a horror film with a shark in it: 

1) The good news is that such an endeavor remains appealing to the movie-going public courtesy of Jaws and that picture's lasting impact on the cinematic landscape. 

2) The bad news is that any movie with a shark in it will ultimately be compared to Jaws, which is absolutely one of the best movies ever made.

So, with that in mind, I should start here by noting that The Shallows is surely no Jaws, but that didn't really bother me as it's still a solid feature film--and it it doesn't really intend to be the next Jaws.  That 1975 mega-hit (which gave us the summer blockbuster) is a stunning ensemble piece that could adequately be described as an epic, while The Shallows is a lean thrill ride that takes place in one gorgeous seaside setting and rests entirely upon Blake Lively's shoulders.  Seriously, her most important co-star is a seagull, and at a scant 87 minutes The Shallows is clearly angling for something other than epic status.  Instead of giving us a genuine masterpiece, Director Jaume Collet-Serra has served up a great-looking survival yarn that moves quickly and continually ratchets up the suspense by constantly making things harder and harder for our quick-witted and likable protagonist.  I've never seen Lively get an opportunity to do so much, and she does a great job here in a role that requires athleticism, grit, and the ability to convey a wealth of emotions.  As Nancy, she gives The Shallows an emotional center  and a believable heroine who keeps the viewer enthralled even when there's a bit too much CGI and a few too many lapses in plausibility in play to elevate an otherwise straight-laced thriller to legendary status.  In the end, The Shallows emerges as a short thriller packed with chills and excitement, and it may be the best movie with a shark in it that isn't Jaws.  Truthfully, that's probably exactly what it was intended to be.

Final Grade: B-

The Shallows is is a taut little chiller that relies entirely upon Blake Lively to tell a stripped-down tale of survival; she proves to be up to the challenge and keeps the viewer invested in her character's daunting struggle from start to finish.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Top 20 Horror Movies - #2) Jaws (1975)


One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)
#18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)
#17) Alien (1979) 
#16) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
#15) Suspiria (1977) 
#14) Phantasm (1979)
#13) Evil Dead 2 (1985)
#12) Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) 
#11) The Descent (2005)
#10) Fright Night (1985)
#9) Halloween (1978)
#8) Return of the Living Dead (1985) 
#7) An American Werewolf in London (1981)
#6) Deep Red (1975)
#5) The Shining (1980) 
#4) Dawn of the Dead (1978)
#3) The Thing (1982)

As we near the end of this list, it's time to break down a pair of exceptional movies based on novels that I hold near and dear to my heart.  First up, we've got my favorite movie of all time.


Top 20 Horror Movies - #2) Jaws (1975)

Steven Spielberg's efforts as a filmmaker have yielded an amazing filmography, but the thrilling motion picture that put him on the map remains his finest offering.  Working from Peter Benchley's stellar novel, Spielberg fashioned a tale of terror that continues to scare moviegoers away from the beach better than 40 years after it gave birth to the summer blockbuster.  At the end of the day, this is a horror movie that nearly matches Benchley's ability to convey the might and fury of a great white shark, driving home the terror that encountering such a creature in its natural environment would generate.  There are some brutal moments in this vibrant shocker, and yet the warmth and drama that propels the film toward a grand finale do make it seem a bit too adventurous for the genre at times.  The three leads take a fabulous script and run wild with it, with Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss both doing a tremendous job while Robert Shaw dominates the screen with one of the richest performances in the history of the cinema.  The score from John Williams is as simple as it is iconic, the effects are far better than the mechanical sharks' place in film history would have you believe, and Spielberg's gifts have never been so evident.  There are big scares, big laughs, and even when things settle down, Jaws is ten times more enchanting than most movies.  This is my favorite movie, and if we were talking about movies in general, I would surely put it atop my list.  Yet I did elect to place it at #2 on my list because I cannot fathom putting anything other than the scariest movie ever made at #1.  Having said that, second place here is no small prize, and I hope I have made my affection for this grand voyage into horror on the high seas evident. 

Jaws has inspired numerous imitations, yet 40 years later it still reigns supreme.
Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss shine only to be blown away by Robert Shaw as Quint.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Top 20 Horror Novels - #3) Jaws by Peter Benchley (from 1974)


Not only am I ranking my Top 20 Horror Movies for you this October, but I'm doing likewise with the scary books that I hold near and dear.  As with the movies that I'm discussing in that Top 20, I'm not attempting to rank these novels based on their place in pop culture, but rather their place in my heart.  Isn't that sweet?  Seriously, there are some fine books that didn't make the cut here because there just wasn't room, and there are definitely some well-regarded books that didn't make the cut because I don't really like them.  That also means there are some personal favorites of mine on this list that you may not have heard of.  If that's the case, I promise that I'll reward your trust with a gnarly tale if you give one of them a spin.  Finally, I may have shortchanged some of the titans in the genre (hey there, Stephen King) as I didn't want to overload this list with titles by the same author, though Uncle Stevie did manage to score three direct hits on my list.

The list thus far:

#20) Amok by George Fox (from 1980) 
#19) Manstopper by Douglas Borton (from 1988)
#18) Intensity by Dean Koontz (from 1995)

#17) The Terror by Dan Simmons (from 2007) 
#16) The Snake by John Godey (from 1978)
#15) Son of the Endless Night by John Farris (from 1985)
#14) Rockinghorse by William W. Johnstone (from 1986) 
#13) Vampire$ by John Steakley (from 1990)
#12) Falling Angel by William Hjortsberg (from 1978)
#11) Christine by Stephen King (from 1983)
#10) The Manitou by Graham Masterton (from 1975)
#9) At the Mountains of Madness by H.P. Lovecraft (from 1936)
#8) All Heads Turn When the Hunt Goes By by John Farris (from 1977)
#7) Hell House by Richard Matheson (from 1971)
#6) The Exorcist by William Peter Blatty (from 1971)
#5) I Am Legend by Richard Matheson (from 1954)
#4) The Stand by Stephen King (from 1978)


Top 20 Horror Novels - #3) Jaws by Peter Benchley (from 1974)

Jaws is a different kind of horror novel, but that's precisely what makes it so powerful.  There are no supernatural entities or terrifying madman on the loose, merely a big fish that Peter Benchley presents as a deadly force of nature.  Any allusions to this actual sea monster's intelligence or nature are slight enough that we're never asked to believe that it is on a diabolical rampage.  It's just a really big shark with a really big appetite that decides to camp out in the same area for a little while.  Benchley's considerable knowledge and experience gave him the authority to present a believable account of what might happen if such a predator were to linger in the waters off a quaint little seaside community.  It's that realism that makes his novel so terrifying.  I love Dracula, but I'm not afraid of vampires because they don't really exist.  Yet, like many, though I enjoy the ocean greatly, I do fear that one day a shark might decide to see what I taste like.  It's an awful prospect, and Benchley had the talent to match his expertise--his brisk writing paints a vivid picture of the awful carnage that a massive great white shark could inflict on a human being.  Benchley also gave us a wonderful setting for his tale, the lovable town of Amity, and his characters spring to life as we sink deeper and deeper into his robust tale.  Those who know the movie well but have never experienced the book will discover a pair of exciting subplots that didn't make it to the screen, namely the stubborn mayor's ties to the mob and Ellen Brody's fling with Hooper.  Chief Brody is never certain of his wife's infidelity, but he knows something is amiss, and this particular subplot creates a wealth of tension when he and Hooper take to the sea alongside the salty sailor Quint in a rousing third act.  Primary characters who survived the movie perish in the novel, and the conclusion of the book is far different (and vastly superior) to the exciting climax that Spielberg chose for his film.  There's also a lot of warmth and character development that serves to keep readers thoroughly invested.  Honestly, my favorite scene in the book is a dinner party where Brody has a bit too much to drink.  In closing, Jaws is one of the best books ever written, and it still has enough bite to scare people away from the ocean. 

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Halloween in the Land of Way - Short Fiction - Here There Be Monsters



I'm not just ranking my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels for you as I celebrate Halloween all month long here in the Land of Way.  I'm also going to share some short fiction with you.

This is a story that is near and dear to me because while there are many things that I excel at in this life, fishing simply isn't one of them.  I like fishing, so my shortcomings in this arena are difficult to shrug off.  Maybe that's why I chose to write this tale, to convince myself that it could be worse.  No, if I'm going to be completely honest with you, this is one of those short stories that was inspired by a particularly vivid nightmare.  I imagine that many of my fellow writers who toil within the horror genre have translated bad dreams into grim yarns.  Hopefully you guys will enjoy my attempt to do just that as much as I enjoy fishing.


Here There Be Monsters
by James Wayland



The pole was heavy in his hands.  A salty breeze washed over him, threatening to dislodge his cap.  It was chilly, but he was comfortable despite the fact that he was wearing nothing but a pair of cutoffs and a ragged tee shirt.  He had kicked off his sandals earlier and the cold sand felt good beneath his feet.
Still, Barrett was starting to think that he was wasting his time.  He reeled in the piece of squid he was using for bait and cast it out again.  Despite all the weight he had added to his line, he still couldn’t get it as far out as he wanted it.  The night sky was dark and the moon was presently concealed behind a rolling grey mass of clouds, but it was easy enough to spot the white slashes of foam where the waves were breaking.  He wanted to loft his little clump of squid ten to twenty feet beyond those telltale flashes of white, but he kept coming up short.  The long pole just wasn’t flexible enough to allow him to cast like he wanted to, no matter how many sinkers he used. 
The big man grimaced, wondering if he should just call it a night.  This seemed to be a waste of time.  There was no one else fishing along the shore, at least not in this vicinity, though there was a lot of activity down at the pier.  It was so far away that he could make out little more than lights and movement, but he was fairly certain that there was more action to be had there.  He didn’t want to stand elbow to elbow with a bunch of fisherman, though.  He wanted solitude.
Of course, if things had gone according to plan, he would have spent this night on a boat, fishing the deep waters of the Atlantic.  Perhaps he would have taken a twelve hour trip, and that might have allowed enough time for the captain to guide the vessel into the gulf.  Yet things had not gone according to plan and there would be no deep sea fishing this weekend.  With that in mind, Barrett wanted to be alone.  He wasn’t sulking, but he just wasn’t in the mood for company either.
Nestling the rod in the crook of his arm, Barrett eased his flask out of his hip pocket and took a pull.  The searing heat in his chest was a welcome diversion, so he took another pull before putting the flask away.  “Come on,” he said aloud, “Something has to be cruising along the shore.  Have a bite to eat, why don’t you?”
He shook his head.  It was a waste of time.  An angler who did most of his fishing on various riverbanks, he was totally out of his element here.  Charter fishing from a boat was one thing, but this shore fishing business wasn't working for him.  He had spent a small fortune on this giant pole and the tackle that he needed to outfit it, but trying to fish the ocean from the beach was a far cry from booking a boat or working to land a mudcat or a rainbow trout from a riverbank.  
No, Barrett didn’t know what he was doing, but he was pretty sure that he was doing it wrong.   Hell, he wasn’t able to cast his bait out more than thirty feet or so, and the tide was sending it back to him in a matter of minutes despite all those massive sinkers and the weight they provided.
This was idiotic, and while he didn’t want to visit the ocean without doing a little fishing, this felt more like a misguided attempt than actual sport.  Next time, he wouldn't let anyone spoil his plans.  Next time, he would be out there in a boat, having fun while the captain and his mates did all the fretting.  Cursing, the big man returned the pole to the crook of his arm and dug the flask out of his pocket once more.  He took another deep pull.  He followed this with another, and then another, draining it. 
Well, shore fishing was a losing effort, but he was going to succeed at getting drunk.  The scotch was already making him feel a bit too warm and fuzzy for his own good.  Of course, Barrett was a man who could hold his liquor, and catching a little buzz while he fished was nothing new.  In truth, the big man felt that fishing and drinking went hand in hand. 
Feeling a little better now that a familiar fire was at work in his chest, Barrett let himself enjoy the view.  The black water crashing into the sand was an awesome spectacle, an endless expanse of darkness that rose and fell, pounding the beach and then slithering backward before unleashing another attack.  It was massive and hypnotic, timeless and fearsome, a sight that should make any man feel utterly slight by comparison.  It was the sea, and on this cloudy night, it was one giant mass of darkness, thrashing against the beach and daring any man who stood beneath that starless sky to enter its warm embrace.  Yes, it was an amazing sight, but there was something spooky about that black water thrashing at his feet.  Barrett shivered, wishing there was more scotch in his flask.
At once, the massive rod in his hand bowed over.  The big man stumbled toward the water, stunned.  There came another fierce tug and he tried to reel.  “Damn,” he muttered, sweat popping up on his brow.  He pulled back on the pole, working the reel for all he was worth, but it was slow going.  “Got something big,” Barrett exclaimed.  “Got something very big!”  He looked around, wondering if there was anyone approaching who could appreciate this stroke of luck, but he was still alone.
He tried to take a step back, but there was another tug, and this was one was hard enough to drag him forward.  Instead of a step backward, Barrett took two big steps forward, stumbled, and fell to his knees.  He nearly lost the rod, but somehow he maintained his grip and fought his way back to his feet.  “Son of a whore,” he cried.  There came another stiff breeze and this time he did lose his cap, but he was too involved in his struggle with whatever he had hooked to care.  He continued to crank the reel, but the line was screaming and he knew that he was paying out more than he was managing to haul in.
Barrett tightened the drag and continued to fight, leaning back with the rod and digging his heels into the cold sand.  Yet he was still giving ground, and soon that rolling black water was splashing against his ankles.  “Come on, you,” he shouted angrily, working the reel.  There could be no doubt that he had hooked something huge, something far larger than anything he had landed before, to include the monster catfish that he had pulled out of the James River when he was in his teens.  He was practically a pup then, and the years had been kind.  Barrett was much bigger and much stronger now, but he was still losing this battle.  It felt like he was trying to reel in a Buick.
The pole was doubled over, but it hadn’t snapped, at least not yet it hadn’t, so maybe it was worth what he had paid for it.  Yet despite all his strength, he wasn’t getting anywhere with this son of a bitch.  He was still swearing and cranking the reel for all he was worth, but he was getting nowhere.  Barrett was forced to take another big step forward and now the ocean was washing against his shins.  The water was warm, much warmer than he had anticipated.
The wet sand gave him little purchase, and before he knew it he was taking another big step forward.  The next wave to fall upon the shore struck him in the knees.  A vicious yank nearly tore the pole from his grasp, but Barrett gritted his teeth and held fast, grunting as he pulled the pole toward his chest. 
This was incredible!  He was willing to bet that no one over at that pier had hooked anything like this tonight, but could he bring the damn thing ashore?  Furthermore, did he want to?  He had no way of knowing just what he had hooked, but even as he was pulled forward again, finding himself waist-deep in that monstrous black sea, he knew that he couldn’t let go. 
“You’re coming to land, you bastard,” he howled, finally managing a step backward.  He reeled furiously, and fought his way back, willing himself toward the beach.  The next wave merely slammed into his knees whereas he had been standing in waist-deep water seconds before.  The big man chuckled even as a big drop of sweat fell from his nose.  “Getting tired now, are you?  Well, there’ll be no rest for you!” 
In response, there was a rumble in the distance that may have been thunder and a powerful splash from somewhere nearby.  It may have been his fish breaking the surface, but he didn’t see anything.  Still, he was encouraged, and he continued to reel like a madman, working furiously to bring the fish in.  Perhaps it was merely wishful thinking, but he thought there was less protest from his reel as he toiled.  Maybe the big bastard was wearing itself out, and surely he was making some serious progress as he labored.  The muscles in his shoulders and back were beginning to ache and he was perspiring freely. 
There was another splash, this one closer than the first, and he thought he saw the rolling black water offer up a plume of white foam some twenty-five feet ahead.  “Yes,” he shouted.  “Come on, damn you.”  He pulled back on the pole again, feeling the line jerk to and fro as his catch thrashed in the surf.  He was grinning now, eager to see just what he was working against. 
Suddenly there was another mighty pull, as though the big fish was making one last attempt to escape his clutches.  Barrett had allowed himself to relax just a little bit, and the wet rod slipped from his grasp.  “No,” he shouted, lunging forward even as his pole hit the water.  He was hefty, but he was also quick, and as he dove forward he found the reel with his right hand.  Even as he submerged, closing his eyes to avoid the sting of the saltwater, he clutched his pole against his chest.  The water receded as he struggled to his knees, leaving him in maybe two and a half feet of water.  Undeterred, he was starting to reel again even as another wave slammed into him. 
Barrett went to his back, refusing to release his grip on the pole.  First, he was knocked toward the shore by that black ocean.  Then, even as he fought to get his feet under him without sacrificing his grip on the rod, he was yanked away from the beach by the tide.  He slipped beneath the surface again, clinging to the pole with all of his considerable might with his right hand while he clawed at the sand beneath him with his left, fighting desperately to right himself.  Finally he managed to get his big feet under him, digging into the bottom with his toes as he stood. 
He took a deep breath, his wet skin breaking into gooseflesh as a stout gust of wind assailed him.  Now the water was nearly up to his chest, but he didn’t bother with trying to back up.  He was too busy working the reel, raising it nearly even with his broad shoulders and trying desperately to regain any ground he had lost with his big catch.  He had been through far too much now to lose it.
His beefy chest heaving, his muscles burning from exertion, Barrett fought.  He cursed some more and he reeled even harder, his bloodshot eyes narrowing into vicious slants.  Nothing mattered but reeling, so reel he did. 
Soon he was rewarded with a splash some ten to fifteen feet directly in front of him.  He caught a glimpse of a massive fish rolling on the surface.  He was too tired to shout, but a triumphant laugh escaped him, and he did take a big step back then.  He pulled the pole tight against his chest and took another big step backward, moving closer to the shore.  Now he was standing waist-deep in that black water, fighting to land something huge that was getting closer and closer to the shore.  Yes, the fish was big and the ocean was fierce, but victory was almost his. 
This had Barrett thinking that shore fishing wasn’t such a bad idea after all.  Whatever he had hooked, he didn’t doubt that it would be far larger than that enormous catfish he had caught in the James River.  He had waited a long time to top that one, but he had a feeling that tonight he was reeling in something that could take a big bite out of that fish.  He didn’t know what it was, and, in truth, while he was rather adept at inland fishing and could readily identify any freshwater catch, he wasn’t even sure that he would know what this thing was once he managed to bring it in.  It didn’t matter.  He was having a hell of a war out here beneath the night sky, and he had the biggest fish that he had ever hooked on the end of his line.  He would find out what it was later.  This would be a story that he would tell his grandchildren one day, and this would be a struggle that he would remember for the rest of his life. 
He was tired, he was sweaty, and he was standing in the warmth of the ocean, but the smile on Barrett’s face was a testament to his current joy.  He cursed merrily, cranking on the reel and watching as the fish broke the surface once again.  Oh, what a catch, and now that big mother was hardly ten feet away. 
The big man managed another step back even as the ocean receded and now the black water was even with his thighs.  His nervous system came alive then, screaming of some eminent danger that he had yet to beholdPuzzled, Barrett ignored this powerful sense of dread and continued to work the reel.  The fear grew stronger and the big man tried to swallow only to find that his mouth had gone dry.  That's when a massive black shape shattered the surface of that black sea right where his catch had broken the surface mere seconds before, little more than a dozen feet before him.  This creature born of darkness made Barrett’s catch appear to be woefully insignificant.  It was true, the big man knew little about the fish of the ocean, but that huge dorsal fin and that conical snout were unmistakable. 
Even as the strongest wave that he had encountered thus far plowed into him, Barrett’s rod was ripped from his steely grip.  The shark had taken his fish, but that was of little consequence now.  The wave had toppled him and a raw terror the likes of which he had never known was now hell-bent on consuming him.  Barrett fought against the current and his raging nerves, digging his fingers into the bottom and trying to right himself.  There was no use, he was knocked forward, his face pressing against the sand, and then he was dragged backward as the wave receded.  His need to flee had never been greater, but the ocean was a cruel mistress and she had no intention of releasing him. 
Finally, Barrett fought his way to the surface, laboring for breath amid that dreadful current.  It was as if that black ocean was trying to pull him to his doom.  Now the water was up to his chin, and he wasted no time in turning his bulk toward the shore.  He had seen the shark for but a second and he didn’t know what kind it was or just how big it was.  He only knew that it was incredibly large, several times as big as whatever it was he had been trying to reel in.  Was it a man-eater?  Was it ten feet long?  Fifteen?  Longer?  He had no way of knowing and he didn’t care to find out.
As he tried to fight his way toward the shore, he felt a surge in the ocean.  A swell lifted him upward, his feet dangling in the black water.  He wanted to turn and look to see if the monster was upon him, but he was too scared to do so.  He thrashed against the sea instead, screaming as something that felt like sandpaper brushed against his leg and another swell in the water forced him to his left.  Barrett beat at the surface, trying to yank himself forward.  Another wave pushed him toward the beach and he did his best to ride it, spreading his arms and raising his feet behind him.  He glided through the water, gaining precious ground, but an instant later the current was hauling him backward. 
“No,” he wailed, “No, damn you!”  Then he was coughing as his chin dipped beneath the surface and he gulped down a mouthful of saltwater.  He slipped under and the awful tide yanked him farther from the shore.  He was beneath the water for so long that he became convinced that he was going to drown, but somehow he fought his way back to the surface, refusing to give up.  He was a little drunk, but he was also a strong swimmer.  He took a quick look ahead and saw that the beach had become little more than a band of white that was receding in the distance.  He thought he saw his sandals, but he wasn’t sure.  It didn’t matter, he would never wear them again.  The icy terror that gripped him had blossomed into something much worse.  A terrible certainty had ensnared him, dousing his horror with anguish.
Now he did look over his shoulder, and somehow his eyes were able to discern the monster even though it was little more than a dark silhouette framed against a merciless sky and all that angry black water.  The shark seemed to rise up behind him, appearing to tower over him, that horrible mouth stretching into a jagged grin as the darkness that surrounded Barrett finally enveloped him.


Friday, April 10, 2015

Short Attention Span Review: Bait (2012)

Bait is just your average "great white sharks terrorize shoppers at the grocery store" movie, and while that particular sub-genre is overpopulated, this one manages to stand out.  Okay, so just to be clear, I am kidding about there being more than one of these absurdities, but I'm not kidding about Bait being a movie about people being terrorized by great white sharks at the grocery store.  Despite this ludicrous premise and an opening that is 100% terrible, the movie somehow works.  First off, the opening is awful.  I'm still not quite sure why I didn't turn Bait off after that bullshit, but I'm glad I didn't.  The picture that follows is gleefully idiotic, but it is also ferociously entertaining.  And after that opening convinced me that the special effects would be inferior to the great white carnage I used to enjoy while playing Jaws on my NES as a child, the rest of the movie benefits from superior effects work.  {Clarification: the term "superior effects work" as used in the previous statement applies to the effects seen in the opening reel of Bait as opposed to special effects in general.}  So, how did the sharks wind up in the grocery store?  See, the store was flooded during a tsunami, and as is so often the case when tsunamis occur, a pair of large great whites wind up trapped in the flooded supermarket.  Now, in addition to the presence of a pair of bloodthirsty sharks, there are number of interesting characters involved in various situations that could yield entire movies of their own stuck in the flooded store.  Among them are a brokenhearted dude and his former flame (I shit you not, their romance fell apart after he failed to save her brother from a shark attack in that totally inept opening scene), a sympathetic robber and his sadistic accomplice, a cop summoned to arrest a shoplifter who just so happens to be his daughter, and so on and so forth.  Truthfully, Bait should sink like a stone under the weight of the absurd premise and all the ridiculous contrivances that spring up throughout its 93 minute running time.  Yet it somehow gets the job done.  It's fun to watch and you will actually wind up liking some of these ridiculous characters and pulling for them as they struggle to survive in these ridiculous circumstances.  Julian McMahon (a guy who should have become a legitimate star and instead pulled hard time on Charmed and received third billing in Bait) does a great job as the sympathetic robber and deserves a lot of the credit for grounding this ludicrous yarn.  Kimble Rendall deserves some praise for holding this thing together as a director, and given how it turned out, I'm almost willing to pardon him for that opening.  Russell Mulcahy, the guy who gave us Highlander and Razorback (What? I like Razorback) helped out with the script.  I'm feeling generous, so I'll even point out that the effects team that totally shit the bed in the first ten minutes of the movie held it down when it mattered most.  In the end, I'm not sure how it happened, but in this silly movie with a woeful beginning wound up being an entertaining ride that I'm going to recommend.  I might even give it a "B." 

Final Grade: B-

It's hard to determine if it's the realism or the subtlety that make Bait so entertaining.