Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Short Attention Span Review - No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)

Even the best martial arts movies are a bit goofy, that's the nature of the beast.  If you're going to depict people settling their disputes with a series of colorful showdowns where kung-fu chops and flying kicks decide the battle, you're clearly veering merrily toward the absurd.  Still, most examples of this genre I cherish so much try to operate with something that resembles a poker face.  No Retreat, No Surrender has no shame, good people, no shame whatsoever.  These filmmakers just pile it on.  It's kinda like The Karate Kid, except the villain is basically Ivan Drago as played by Jean-Claude Van Damme.  And instead of Mr. Miyagi, our hero takes lessons from the ghost of Bruce Lee.  No bullshit.  And no 80s cliches were spared, and no fucks were given.  As a result, No Retreat, No Surrender is a cringe-worthy diet of glossy ineptitude complete with a goofy soundtrack boasting hair metal power ballads that often serve as narration.  No, really, and it's horrible, my friends, just horrible.  There are editing mishaps, cliches, line deliveries that are embarrassing to behold, more cliches, and a few more cliches thrown in for good measure as ludicrous plot developments steer us toward a conclusion that is silly as hell.  No, sillier than that.  And, yes, it's also fun, partly because it's one of those good bad movies and it is brimming with unintentional humor, but also because you can't help but get caught up in this shit.  You will cheer at times, and you will feel like an absolute dumbass when you do.  Trust me.  No Retreat, No Surrender approaches cult status by virtue of calamity and aplomb.  Well, that and the undeniable fact that buried within the various mishaps and missteps, there are a couple of worthwhile performances, a few potent bits, and some quality choreography.  Bottom line: it's an entertaining clusterfuck.  You will enjoy it, but some of your brain cells will surely die while you're watching it.

Final Grade: C-

His acting may not be hitting on much in this early role,
but Van Damme shows incredible star power by way of his dazzling physical talents.  

Short Attention Span Review - Tentacles (1977)

Short Attention Span Review - Tentacles (1977)

Here's a transcript of pretty much anyone watching Tentacles for the first time:

Hey, how did they get Henry Fonda to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get Shelley Winters to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get John Huston to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get Claude Akins to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, Bo Hopkins is in this piece of shit.

Man, I'm too hard on Bo, who played the hell out of Bo Hopkins in a lot of good movies.  And a lot of bad movies too.  This is one of his less inspired takes on Bo Hopkins.  Pretty sure he decided to ease up on the throttle when he saw the line where he declares that the threat at the heart of this lame duck of a creature feature is indeed a giant octopus.  He delivers this line with all the gusto of a man who has misplaced all of his gusto.  I don't think he even bothered to play Bo Hopkins in that scene.  Pretty sure he was picturing Bo Hopkins cashing a check.  Honestly, it kind of sucks for the guy.  I bet working with Fonda was a big deal for most actors.  And I feel like Bo might have avoided the subject.

Anyone: Hey, didn't you make a movie with Henry Fonda in 1977?
Bo: (takes a drink) I don't want to talk about that movie I made with Henry Fonda in 1977.

Final Grade: D

Question: Why did it get a "D" after that abominable write-up?  Well, I mean . . . it does have Bo Hopkins in it.

This will not happen to your face when you watch Tentacles.  Your brain, maybe, but not your face.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies

Well, this is long overdue.  Those who have followed my blog or perused my offerings for RVA Magazine are familiar with my "Top 5" pieces.  And those who know me best are well aware that I've been a big fan of Wings Hauser since I was a teenager haunting my local video stores and carrying on a torrid relationship with cable television.  No bullshit, there are framed photos of Wings on display in my home, a testament to both my fascination with this bold talent and my wife's love for me.    

A star athlete who took his moniker from the position he played in football ("wingback"), Hauser embraced his Hollywood roots and made the jump to acting at an early age.  Known for his over the top antics and his ability to portray lunatic heavies or tough-guy heroes alike with profound intensity, Wings became a true blue B movie icon.  Not only that, but many may be surprised at the depths of his artistry.  In addition to his work on the screen, Hauser has also directed motion pictures.  Hell, he even cut an album for RCA (Your Love Keeps Me Off the Streets) in 1975.

I consider myself an authority where his filmography is concerned, and working up this Top 5 had me sweating bullets.  If you combine his work in film and television, Wings has well over a hundred acting credits to his name.  There are some fine pictures and a dazzling array of bravura performances within those ranks.  Sometimes this blogging business is a tough gig, good people, but after a lot of deliberation, I have made my picks.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #5) Deadly Force (1983)

Honestly, this one could aptly be described as equal parts "rogue cop hunting a serial killer" flick and "rogue cop hunting a serial killer" parody a la Airplane!.  Yes, Deadly Force is pretty fucking ridiculous.  It's also highly entertaining, mostly due to Hauser's off the rails work as the lead.  Wings stars as Stoney Cooper (no explanation is given, so we're left to assume that his birth name is actually Stoney), an ex-cop who plays by his own rules and embodies pretty much every cliche imaginable where such heroes are concerned.  The character is outrageous, a hackneyed creation who plays the piano when he isn't using bravado and tenderness to negotiate with would-be bombers or traveling across the country to hunt down a serial killer as a favor to an old friend.  No, really.  This caricature comes courtesy of a contrived plot that piles on the excess at every turn and hits so many familiar beats that it emerges as a cinematic exercise in recycling.  However, Wings throws himself into the role with such passion, physicality, and abandon that the viewer can't help but be pulled in--even while groaning at the shameless exploitation on display.  Case in point: there's a big sequence where Stoney is nearly gunned down while taking a bath, requiring Hauser to flail around in the nude.  In slow motion.  For entirely too long.  And he's all in, peeps, devoting himself to the scene as though it were the sleazy action movie equivalent of Marc Antony's funeral speech.  It has to be seen to be fully appreciated.  It's Deadly Force, guys.  It's trashy, it's absurd, it's relentless, and it is so painfully bad that it arrives at oh so very good.  It's also a perfect example of the flamboyant machismo that made Wings a pillar of the cult cinema circuit.

Stoney Cooper, ladies and gentlemen.  You can try to take him out while he's taking a bath, but he'll roll around showing the world his soapy ass and dodging bullets, and then he'll hunt you down. 

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #4) Reason to Die (1990)

Wings specialized in violent motion pictures; he usually played either a hero operating outside the law or a deranged baddie.  Reason to Die is a film he carries as the good guy while Arnold Vosloo oozes menace as a psycho who preys on prostitutes in South Africa.  Reason to Die stands out for two reasons.  First, while many of Hauser's films were hampered by meager budgets or shoddy craftsmanship, this is one slick production free of such shortcomings.  In particular, I think it makes great use of the setting, with the seedy underbelly of South Africa giving the filmmakers an unusual palette.  This makes some of the familiar machinations of the plot feel less derivative, and it gives the piece as a whole a different feel.  Secondly, it may just be the most violent of Hauser's movies.  Vosloo is largely responsible for this, with his twisted killer notching a body count that would make Jason Vorhees proud.  These killings come in the most gratuitous fashion, with the picture placing a shameless emphasis on titillation and terror.  Wings bashes plenty of heads together on the hunt for this prolific madman, enduring intense scrutiny from the local authorities every step of the way.  This is a fast-paced affair, and it is strictly designed to deliver the goods where fistfights, gunfights, and murder are concerned.  Even for this sort of cult cinema thriller, Reason to Die is a bit savage, and forgive me, but I do see that as a selling point.  Having said that, there is also a commendable effort made to inject some emotional heft into the proceedings, and Wings surely makes the most of this opportunity.  It's almost enough to give this Elliot Canner character legitimate depth.  Almost.  He shows some heart, but remains too damn badass to feel like anything other than a gritty B movie hero.  Shit, toward the end of the picture, he uses his lover as bait in a desperate bid to bring Vosloo down.  At the end of the day, Reason to Die is no masterpiece, but it could be seen as a master class in sadistic exploitation and sleazy thrills.  Wings is at his brazen best throughout, and Reason to Die is a perfect example of his no holds barred brand of entertainment.

There's a whole lot of violence going down in this bloody 1990 thriller.
Also: this is the face your lover makes when you use them as a bait to land a serial killer.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #3) Siege of Firebase Gloria (1989)

The third picture to make my list is probably the best Vietnam movie you never saw.  Now, this picture is light-years from landmark offerings like Apocalypse Now or Platoon, but ranks among the very best of the Vietnam features produced in the absence of a visionary director and a big budget.  There's a lot of trash in this vein, but there are also movies like Go Tell the Spartans or The Boys in Company C.  Siege of Fireplace Gloria belongs among those outings, and one of its biggest assets is a strong performance from Wings as DiNardo, a steely Marine who unravels during the Tet Offensive.  Playing a sidekick of sorts to the great R. Lee Ermey, Wings shows a bit of subtlety here and there (not exactly his trademark), and also gets to display a bit more range than usual.  It's a rare supporting part for Hauser and an even rarer starring role for Ermey.  This pairing is a big win in my book--they play well off of one another, and if either of these parts had been miscast, the movie itself would have misfired and descended into the ranks of those lesser war movies.  Gritty and well-rounded, Siege of Firebase Gloria doesn't sanctify its heroes or demonize its villains.  Many have come forward to hail it as one of the more realistic depictions of the horror and confusion that defined this particular military conflict.  It focuses on tough men making tough choices in the toughest of conditions, and in doing so, it paints a picture that is both grim and inspiring.  Siege of Firebase Gloria is not a typical Wings flick at all, but it is one of the better movies that he appeared in, and it shows a different side of this cult cinema stalwart. 

This would be one of those forgettable war flicks if not for these two guys, who play extremely well off of one another.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #2) Mutant a.k.a Night Shadows (1984)

Note: What follows is my Short Attention Span Review of Mutant from March 15, 2015.  I thought about writing a new capsule for this Top 5, but there's a segment in this review spotlighting Bo Hopkins that ranks among my favorite bits that I have ever included in one of my reviews.  I couldn't pass up the chance to share it once more.

I'm pretty sure that Mutant (a.k.a. Night Shadows) is a bad movie.  It may even be a terrible movie.  I'm also going to give it a decent grade here because I believe that it is very entertaining.  Honestly, it may actually be a good movie--fairly good anyway.  Forgive me, sometimes it's hard to tell with these schlocky horror flicks.  I am sure of this: if it is good, it's not very good, and if it is bad, it's of the "so bad that it's good" variety.  The leads are Wings Hauser and Bo Hopkins, so that definitely earns the picture some credit in my book.  I'm a big fan of Wings, and I feel that his B-movie legacy is the stuff of legend.  He has also appeared in some major films, to include his amazing performance in Vice Squad, a personal favorite of mine.  Bo Hopkins was a charismatic and likable performer who always did a great job of playing Bo Hopkins.  Not surprisingly, he plays Bo Hopkins well in Mutant.  Wings and Bo hold this creative shocker together despite some flaws, most of which pertain to the lackluster creature effects and make-up.  Yet there are some decent scares, and the plot sprinkles a few surprises in the mix to keep us on our toes throughout.  There are a host of maniacal hillbillies that our heroes must deal with when they aren't on the run from a new breed of zombie/vampire/mutant/I'm-not-really-sure-exactly-what-the-hell-these-things-are.  These shambling mystery monsters are the result of the reckless disposal of volatile waste, making Mutant another of those "Man fucks with the ecosystem, man gets eaten" stories they taught us about in high school.  Only man doesn't get eaten this time out--it's a twist!  These things that resemble sick people wearing Alice Cooper make-up have slits on their palms that ooze acidic slime.  If they touch you and get this perilous slime on you, you get to join the club.  Hey, it's different, and it ramps up the tension considerably during the rollicking finale.  With zombies, you can fight them off so long as they don't sink their teeth into you, but with these things, you're toast if they manage to touch you.  The direction from John "Bud" Cardos (the man responsible for Kingdom of the Spiders) is solid, and the film zips along.  For whatever reason, I'm actually really fond of Mutant, and while some will surely view it as a failure, I'm definitely going to give it a passing grade.

Note: I gave it a "C."  Still, it's a very entertaining C.  I chose it for the second spot on this list because it is one of Hauser's most enjoyable features.  This is one of those movies I can watch over and over again.  It's far from perfect in so many regards, but it is perfectly entertaining.  Wings is at his very best, and of all the films where he got to wear the white hat, I would pick this part as his most likable hero.  It's also one of a handful of such films where he's more of a normal guy than some absolute badass, but he does handle himself pretty well once the shit hits the fan.  If you dig horror films of this era and want to see Wings kill it as a good guy taking on asshole hillbillies and kooky mutant/zombie hybrids, Mutant is where it's at.

These guys really want to get their hands on my list of the Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies.

Top 5 Wings Hauser Movies - #1) Vice Squad (1982)

Hauser's breakthrough role remains his best performance all these years and parts later, and Vice Squad is also the best movie he ever appeared in.  It is exploitation at its very best, operating with a laser focus as a single night of savage debauchery unfolds.  Wings plays Ramrod, a psychotic pimp, and he doesn't just steal every scene he's in, he steals the entire movie.  This despite career-best performances from both Season Hubley and Gary Swanson as the de facto leads.  And Hubley and Swanson are both fully immersed and absolutely terrific in this sleazy thriller on speed, and their work also deserves high praise.  Wings is simply on another level, snarling and raging as one of the most despicable heavies the cinema has ever spawned.  The part is a perfect match for Hauser's boundless energy and formidable swagger--I would say it's a match made in heaven, but if you ask any of the hookers he ravages or rival pimps that he castrates, they'll likely dub it a match made in hell.  The script is a treasure chest brimming with kooky scenes, dope lines, potent suspense, and ferocious action.  And at least one huge laugh that comes from out of nowhere.  It's hard to believe that director Gary Sherman didn't become a household name in the industry, though horror fans may fondly recall his Raw Meat.  It's no surprise that Hauser went on to become such a presence in the motion picture industry, though it is certainly fair to wonder why he didn't secure more showcase roles in equally transcendent features.  In truth, when I started this Top 5, I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that it would culminate with Vice Squad.  I hold the film itself in high esteem, and Ramrod is one of the most darkly charismatic characters I have ever encountered.  He's a monster, but he is so dogged and Hauser is so guns-blazing intense that you almost wind up rooting for the guy.  One thing is for sure: movies are seldom so exciting as when this rampaging lunatic is running wild on the screen, and few performers have been so impressive in any role.  If you want to see Wings Hauser at his very best, dial up Vice Squad and enjoy the show.  

Note: For a more in-depth look at what may be the best exploitation movie of them all, please check out the Cult Classics from Dimension X piece I did for Vice Squad way back in 2013.

Wings Hauser rages across the screen in Vice Squad, which may be the best exploitation movie ever made.

Short Attention Span Review - A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

I'm an avid fan of Stephen King, and Salem's Lot is my favorite novel by him.  I'm also a big fan of Tobe Hooper's TV adaptation of the book, which is faithful in many ways, and also quite dissimilar from the source material in many ways.  With that in mind, I think I'm supposed to hate this movie.  I know a great many do.  And to be clear, it doesn't even pretend to exist in the same universe, which may be offensive to a lot of fans.  Aside from the name of the town, a New England setting, and the presence of vampires, it bears no resemblance to King's vision or Hooper's adaptation.  It's kind of like a reboot before reboots were a thing, albeit a reboot disguised as a sequel.  Many see this as an unforgivable sin, but it doesn't bother me as much.  It's also one of director Larry Cohen's lesser efforts, which is often considered a mark against it.  Okay, I agree, it's far from his best work--but a subpar Larry Cohen movie is still above average.  That's my take, anyhow.  And he brought Michael Moriarty along for the ride, and Moriarty does his usual bang-up job for the director who understood how to utilize him best.  Surprisingly, however, Moriarty is overshadowed by Samuel Fuller in this one--I know that's a bold statement, but it's true.  In fairness, Moriarty is a bit more of a standard lead here, while Fuller has a far more interesting character and the script blesses him with the picture's best lines.  I also enjoyed Andrew Duggan as the big bad, and I don't mind the hokey effects as much as many do.  I'm not going to make a case for A Return to Salem's Lot as a really good movie, but I'm not lumping it in amongst all those good bad movies I love so much either.  It's an okay fright flick, nothing special, but entertaining enough.  It moves at a brisk pace, and it offers up some intriguing ideas along the way.  There's a decent amount of blood and gore, and the characters are easy enough to root for.  This is a movie that many despise because of what it isn't, but it never pretends to be any of those things.  It's just a wonky little vampire movie from a gifted director who borrowed a setting from a literary giant, but approached the project with no great aspirations and a meager budget.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Final Grade: C+

I wouldn't have thought it possible for anyone to upstage Michael Moriarty in a Larry Cohen picture, but Samuel Fuller did just that.

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Disclaimer: yes, this is another bad movie I love.  Been revisiting a lot of those lately.  Devilfish is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.  It is atrocious in too many ways to list in a single review, much less one of my Short Attention Span Reviews.  And yet, I love it.  This love affair goes all the way back to my teens.  A rental store I frequented (Brewer's was the name, and anyone who also hails from lowly southside VA may well have treasured the place as much as I did) had a copy, but it was never available.  I guess someone lost it.  So, I would look at the box, and given my love for shark movies and Italian horror, it seemed like a potential classic.  Honestly, take a gander at that poster.  Looks pretty fucking cool, doesn't it?  Yeah, I thought so too.  Anyway, time passed.  No shit, it may have been a year--it was several months at a minimum, and then one fateful day the rental copy showed up.  I don't know if someone found it and returned it, or if it had been misplaced somewhere in the store and they located it.  Either way, one Friday night it was there.  I had to see it, and I was expecting a showstopper.  What I beheld that night was an absolute turd, but it had me roaring with laughter.  Some of the dialogue is wretched (the sheriff repeatedly says "What we are dealing with is a monster," and his wooden delivery paired with that lovely line gets me every time), many of the performances are far worse (there is a surefire candidate for worst death scene ever filmed included in the picture), the effects are horrendous, and the plot is the worst thing about the movie.  But it is somehow entertaining, perhaps because it is so hilariously inept, but also because Lamberto Bava was a good enough director to keep things lively in spite of all the movie's considerable failings.  Over the years, I would rent this one often and show it to people for kicks.  I even got my parents to watch it one Saturday night, and while my dad did little but groan, my dear departed mother laughed herself silly.  It remains a personal favorite for all the wrong reasons, and these days I seem to enjoy it more each time I view it.  I'm giving it a C+ here, even though it surely registers as an F.  Give me another twenty years and it may raise to a B in my book.

Final Grade: C+

Just look at that shit.  This movie is fucking terrible.  And that's what makes it so awesome.

Short Attention Span Review - Stone Cold (1991)

Short Attention Span Review - Stone Cold (1991)

Stone Cold is one of those action movies they used to make in the 80s and 90s that somehow straddled the line between sick thrillers and cringeworthy farces.  You know the type--movies like Cobra, Commando, and pretty much everything worthwhile Jean Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal starred in during that time frame.  Stone Cold is a basic bitch, to be sure, with a cookie-cutter plot that never swerves when it can run down a familiar trope or throw a "twist" at the screen that we've seen no more than a thousand times in similar pictures.  At the forefront of all this predictable carnage is the Boz, making his motion picture debut.  You know what?  Dude wasn't half bad.  While he would go on to star in several far cheaper productions over the years, I always thought this one should have established him as a bigger star.  Alas.  However, he wasn't on par with the action movie heavyweights of the era, and he's not really the star attraction.  No, the reason this movie still works for me has nothing to do with the good side of the equation where the heroes and villains are concerned.  You see, Stone Cold features Lance Henriksen as "Chains," the sadistic leader of a violent biker gang looking to unleash hell with one of the most batshit crazy plans any villains real or imagined have ever concocted.  Like, totally batshit crazy.  So out there that I can't fathom what the endgame was--if this nonsense had worked, there would have been no escape for anyone involved.  It would have been outright war.  But it all makes for a lively third act, and Lance absolutely destroys it.  The picture comes alive in mystical ways every time he graces the screen, and the filmmakers wisely put him front and center often.  Bonus points: his right-hand man is played by William Forsythe, who damn near steals the show himself.  They say that a film is only as strong as its villain, and I'm here to say that this Henriksen/Forsythe pairing ranks among the best one-two punches we'ver ever been blessed with.  It doesn't hurt that the roles are audacious enough in their own right, giving both of these wicked cool thespians a lot to chew on.  And the action choreography is also a selling point--there are brawls, chases, shootouts, and explosions to spare, and Craig R. Baxley could light things up with the best of them.  Sue me, but I couldn't give two shits about a lot of big 90s films like Titanic or Forrest Gump, but I treasure Stone Cold.  That's how I'm wired, and if you like this blog, you probably enjoy this overlooked biker flick just as much as I do.

Final Grade: B+

Lance always puts on a good show, and he has played iconic parts in other bigger and better movies--but it is entirely possible that this was his strongest performance.

Short Attention Span Review - Galaxy of Terror (1981)

Short Attention Span Review - Galaxy of Terror (1981)

Last week, I reviewed Forbidden World, a low-budget horror/sci-fi/action hybrid from cult cinema icon Roger Corman.  This week, I went back to the archives for another exercise in schlock from this producer with a passion for exploitation, Galaxy of Terror.  To call this zany outing a superior effort to Forbidden World would be a tremendous understatement, but that still doesn't make it a good movie.  The big difference is entertainment value, with this kooky affair delivering a lot fun for a couple of distinct reasons.  First, there is a lot of creativity involved, both in terms of plot and craftsmanship.  Secondly, Galaxy of Terror is batshit crazy.  A minute in, the picture goes off the rails.  In truth, it wasn't until the very end that the movie made any sense, and it's still a bit of a mess.  Fast-paced, gory as hell, and operating with a minimum of character development, this oddity's real saving grace is the cast.  Genre faves like Robert Englund, Sid Haig, and Grace Zabriskie are on board, with solid performers like Eddie Albert and Ray Walston leading the way.  They are menaced by an assortment of ghoulies, with the effects work that brings these oddities to life varying from shabby to . . . well, not too shabby, I guess.  The production design is far more impressive, but that should come as no surprise: that's where the one and only James Cameron cut his teeth.  I most certainly could have done without seeing Taaffe O'Connell getting raped by a giant maggot (you read that correctly), a scene good old Roger views as a shining accomplishment.  And there were definitely about five cartwheels too many in the big finale.  What can I say?  Galaxy of Terror is trash, good people, but it's also a good time at the movies for the right kind of crowd--namely, my kind of crowd.

Final Grade: C-

Wonky, silly, and cheap, Galaxy of Terror is nonetheless an entertaining B movie with a nifty cast and an abundance of gore.

Short Attention Span Review: The Last Wave (1977)

Short Attention Span Review: The Last Wave (1977)

A pragmatic lawyer suffering from strange dreams and eerie visions takes on a case involving aborigines and tribal murder.  Slowly but surely, he starts to believe that his dreams and visions may hint at an impending apocalypse.  Is he losing his mind or has he stumbled upon some horrible truth?  Richard Chamberlain stars in this deliberate but troubling venture from noted director Peter Weir.  Grounded and populated by believable characters and sound performances, The Last Wave also sports a spooky score and several gripping sequences wherein these dreams and visions intertwine with the main character's unfortunate reality.  One of this picutre's greatest strengths is its fierce independence, and yet this may also be a shortcoming.  While I applaud anything unique and difficult to classify, it's hard to succeed in the absence of an audience.  The Last Wave is a rich and intriguing film, but I'm not quite sure who it is designed for.  Horror fans will yearn for a bit more carnage, while drama fans are going to be bothered by the supernatural element and the occasional forays into demented imagery.  Having said that, the macabre aspects of the feature do benefit from the restraint and the subtlety on display, giving them greater significance and making the ultimate fate of the protagonist resonate with the viewer.  While it is slow at times and uneven at others, The Last Wave is also curious and compelling, and it surely benefits from Weir's potent artistry and Chamberlain's undeniable charisma.  If you're lookie for a subdued movie that bridges the gap between your favorite courtroom drama and The Twilight Zone, look no further.

Final Grade: B-

Ominous and captivating, The Last Wave is an unusual affair that is both measured and surprisingly unsettling.

Short Attention Span Review: Mandy (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Mandy (2018)

Mandy is a showstopper, no doubt about it.  It's also a tough watch on a few levels.  I would say that 75% of the movie-going public will hate it for one reason or another.  Many will not survive the deliberate and ominous first act.  Many will be unable to handle the hardcore violence that becomes more and more prominent as the film progresses.  Others won't like the trippy aspects of the show, and then there are those who won't be able to handle batshit crazy Nicolas Cage.  In all honesty, I found all of these elements to be strengths, with only the deliberate pacing of the first reel threatening to spoil my enjoyment.  I like a slow burn, but that opening pushes the concept to its very limits.  Thankfully, once things ramped up, I found myself in cult classic heaven--or I guess cult classic hell would be more like it in this case.  I'm also not opposed to trippy flicks when they work, and I think that Mandy remains coherent while also emerging as perhaps the trippiest picture I've ever enjoyed.  The violence is a welcome payoff after that subdued opening, and I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the choreography on display.  All too often, filmmakers who take a deliberate approach to their craft have a hard time dishing out thrills when it's time to start cooking.  That was not the case here, and Panos Cosmatos surely honored his father's legacy with a handful of visceral confrontations and some badass imagery.  Finally, while the script and direction are both solid but flawed, the hype surrounding Nicolas Cage's performance in Mandy is absolutely warranted.  He never falters, offering up an authoritative and nuanced portrayal of a quest for vengeance like no other.  Cage has often been praised as an actor of talent, yet he has also garnered a reputation for going gleefully over-the-top and perhaps even sabotaging his work with a lack of restraint.  I have seen (and enjoyed) both flavors of Cage, but this may the first time that I've seen the two occupy the same space.  It is impossible to imagine anyone else playing this part, and even when the picture is moving a bit too slow or exploding into surreal territory that mercilessly stretches the very bounds of credibility--even as it relates to a gonzo horror film set in alternate universe--it is Cage's passion and skill that holds the viewer's attention.  No bullshit, I would nominate him for an Oscar if I could.  But I can't, and the Oscars are bullshit anyway.  Mandy, on the other hand, is totally legitimate.

Final Grade: B+

Cosmatos does some amazing things with his direction, but occassionally falters.  His star, however, is at the top of his game throughout.  Could this be Cage's finest hour?  That's certainly a possibility.

Short Attention Span Review: Tourist Trap (1979)

Short Attention Span Review: Tourist Trap (1979)

This is one of those older horror films with a woefully misleading PG rating.  Seriously, I have no idea what the MPAA was thinking.  It isn't all that gory, true, but it is bloody, and the movie is very dark and very intense, with at least one deeply traumatizing death scene.  It is also sadistic and incredibly creepy, and anyone who is bothered by mannequins should steer clear of this ghoulish sleeper from 1979.  The premise is kooky and there are a few flaws in the execution, but it is easy to forgive any shortcomings in light of the dreadful atmosphere and the eerie tone of Tourist Trap.  Chuck Connors did a fine job anchoring the piece, and he got a big assist from a young cast of unknowns that included the gorgeous Tanya Roberts and established Jocelyn Jones as a legitimate talent.  The direction from David Schmoeller and the effects work serve as the backbone of the ghastly affair, and the picture gets a boost from the malicious tone that keeps the viewer riveted for the duration of the show.  This is more in the vein of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre than a slasher flick, but the supernatural element really sets it apart.  All things considered, Tourist Trap is wildly unique and decidedly grim, and it is a shame that it doesn't enjoy the fanfare it rightfully deserves.  While it has a modest cult following, it is quite the low-budget powerhouse, generating big scares and growing stranger and more frightful with every minute that passes.  An unnerving script, fine direction, some quality performances, and a nerve-jangling descent into terror?  You know this one is a hit in my book.

Final Grade: B

Tourist Trap is a real oddity, and it is creepy as hell.  People who are unnerved by mannequins will be scarred for life after a single viewing.

Burt Reynolds Salute - White Lightning (1973) and Gator (1976)

Today, film icon Burt Reynolds passed away.  Known for a tumultuous career with considerable peaks and valleys, there was a time when he ruled the box office with his country charm and mischevious antics.  While he will probably always be best known for comedic gems like The Longest Yard or Smokey and the Bandit, one can't overlook his more serious work in powerful films like his breakthrough role in Deliverance or his big comeback decades later in Boogie Nights.  Given that I hit the scene in 1978 and Burt's greatest success came during the late 70s and extended into the early 80s, he was no stranger in my household.  I grew up in the foothills of the Appalachian mountains, knee-deep in moonshine country, so two of his lesser-known pictures were particular favorites.  I still consider White Lightning (1973) and Gator (1976) to be his best work, even if the sequel is not nearly as potent.  In light of Burt's demise, I thought I would share my thoughts on these southern thrillers with you here.

Burt Reynolds Salute - White Lightning (1973)

White Lighting is a revenge thriller with some serious deep south flair, and it all hinges on a layered performance from Reynolds.  He plays "Gator" McClusky, a hotshot moonshine runner who is cooling his heels in the joint when his little brother is murdered by a sadistic sheriff.  Set on vengeance, Gator mounts a reckless escape attempt that ultimately fails.  Without any other means of getting revenge at his disposal, he decides to turn informant for the feds and shake down the corrupt lawman responsible for his brother's death.  This gives the film more weight than one might expect from this genre, as there isn't much of anything so reviled in the film's setting as a federal informant, regardless of his intentions.  Making matters worse, Sheriff J.C. Connors (Ned Beatty) is no pattycake, and if Gator intends to take this cold-blooded killer with a badge down, he has his work cut out for him.  The picture is moody and deliberate at times, but it also sports a lot of rip-roaring thrills, with some five star car chases highlighting the excitement.  There's also room for a couple of brawls, and Reynolds gets to show his comedic side as well as his action chops, so there are some big laughs in play as well.  There are even some heavy dramatic beats, and Reynolds never falters in the lead role.  Director Joseph Sargent does a splendid job, and he makes great use of his budget and the gothic trappings of the film's setting.  This one is part drive-in flick and part film noir, and Burt was at the peak of his powers, elevating the proceedings at every turn.  Beatty was also doing great work at this point, and here they are assisted by stellar players like Diane Ladd, Bo Hopkins, Matt Clark, and R.G. Armstrong along the way.  This is a picture that I like to revisit, and I am always struck by its depth; it is incredibly dark at times, and it also bursting with warmth in places, mostly due to Burt's unmistakable charisma.  It is never dull, and it remains incredibly unique all these years later.  Some would label White Lightning a sleeper hit, but I have never hailed it as anything less than an American classic.  Thank you, Burt.

Final Grade: A+

Yes, he was famous for his "aw shucks" demeanor and that sly grin, but White Lightning was one of many vessels that also benefited from his considerable range and his simmering intensity.  

Burt Reynolds Salute - Gator (1976)

Reynolds made his directorial debut with this sequel, a lighter and lesser affair that still offers up boatloads of fun.  Honestly, the best decision Reynolds made when making this lean romp was casting Jerry Reed as the heavy.  As Bama, Reed plays a sleazy villain who is really just trying to be a good friend.  During a lifetime of crime, he has grown so corrupt that he doesn't realize just how revolting some aspects of his lifestyle are.  He thinks he is helping Gator out by ingratiating his old buddy into his sordid lifestyle, and it is this bizarre relationship and Reed's red-hot performance that steal the show--and stealing the show in a Burt Reynolds picture couldn't have been an easy task, much less with Burt in the director's chair!  Oh, and before I go any further, it has to be said that Reed's title song is 100% badass and it helps to start the film on a major high note.  Yes, Gator is a retread in a lot of ways, and it is streamlined for maximum entertainment value, robbing it of its predecessor's depth.  Of course, it still manages to put some compelling material on screen, and even if Reed is given a richer part and nails it, Burt is also on fire.  Most importantly, even if the movie stumbles here and there, and feels more than a little derivative, it damn near atones for all of its sins during a rousing conclusion.  The big finale consists of a nifty cat-and-mouse sequence at a motel followed by an epic brawl where Reynolds and Reed throw down on the beach.  Gator isn't on the same level as White Lightning, but it is a rousing picture that serves as a nice continuation for the title character.

Final Grade: C+

While vastly inferior to White Lightning, Gator benefits from a dynamic relationship between Burt's wily hero and Jerry Reed's sleazy villain.

Short Attention Span Review: The Car (1977)

Short Attention Span Review: The Car (1977)

The Car is a surreal horror film with a simple pitch that seemed destined to fail.  Honestly, I'm not sure how they got the picture financed.  It's basically Jaws in the desert with a mysterious black car filling in for a great white shark.  Where did it come from?  No one knows.  Is anyone behind the wheel?  No one knows.  Why is it preying on the unfortunate residents of the dull and dusty town of Santa Ynez?  You guessed it: no one knows.  Can this malevolent menace on four wheels be stopped?  James Brolin intends to find out.  Brolin was always a serviceable leading man, and I think The Car is one of his better efforts.  His grounded take on the determined sheriff in the eye of the storm is pivotal given the ridiculous nature of the picture.  He's not alone in this regard, as the cast as whole performs admirably, with Kathleen Lloyd deserving special praise while Ronny Cox also shines in a rare sympathetic role.  The effects are also worthwhile, and as it becomes clear the titular automobile is a supernatural vessel of death and destruction, The Car produces several stirring setpieces.  It's impressive how exciting and even how frightening portions of this picture are.  While I simply cannot fathom a vehicle constructed from these parts arriving on the scene as anything resembling a masterpiece, I must applaud director Elliot Silverstein and everyone involved for getting this weird horror flock to run as well as it does.  Masterpiece?  Surely not.  Cult classic?  Yes, it is certainly worthy of that status, and whether you enjoy it as much as I did or not, you'll likely be impressed with how well this unconventional premise is brought to life.

Final Grade: B+

Seldom has a single image done such a fine job of summarizing a motion picture.  This is The Car in a nutshell.

Short Attention Span Review: Flash Gordon (1980)

Short Attention Span Review: Flash Gordon (1980)

I don't think I can be objective here, but maybe I don't need to be.  I don't really know, to be completely honest with you  You see, I'm not sure that there is a greater paradox in the realm of the motion picture than Flash Gordon. It is entirely possible that this is a "so bad it's good" sort of movie.  There are definitely a few bits at the very least that would have wound up on the cutting room floor if the powers that be were looking to create a genuine classic with this brazen affair.  However, there is also a sense of majesty paired with some splendid entertainment value that elevates this colorful and quixotic gem.  In terms of sheer enjoyment, it is hard to top, and despite some clunky performances and a few goofy moments courtesy of the FX or the plotting, it does many things amazingly well.  The color palette is a true splendor, and the score is a genuine masterpiece courtesy of Queen, bolstered by a main theme that is nothing short of sheer perfection.  The excitement is non-stop, and the stakes are incredibly high.  The heroes are lovable and the villains are despicable, and anyone who doesn't smile while they partake of this feast for the senses is dead inside.  And yet there are those wooden performances and those moments where you can't quite tell if the filmmakers are going for camp or simply missing the mark by a mile. It is cheeky.  It is downright silly.  And somewhere, deep down inside, your inner critic is bound to feel that the material is beneath you.  But then it soars and despite your misgivings, you find yourself being blown away by all the energy and grandeur, and somehow the sappy plot gets under your skin.  Then you're actually moved by this barrage of sight and sound that is a lot like a puppy: awkward, a little smelly, and 100% lovable.  It's Flash Gordon.  It could be terrible.  It could be the greatest sci-fi adventure of all time.  You're free to make your own call, but as for me, . . . well, it's the first movie I really remember seeing, at a drive-in no less.  I have loved it for as long as I have loved the movies.  Yes, it's true--I like Flash as much as Mark Wahlberg and Ted do.  Maybe more.

Final Grade: A

It may be of the "so bad it's good" variety.  It may be totally legendary.  I'm honestly not sure which is the right answer, but  given our history I'm going to give Flash Gordon the benefit of the doubt here.

Short Attention Span Review - Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Short Attention Span Review - Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Crank was a bizarro action flick, to be sure, but it seems downright pedestrian when compared to its 2009 sequel, Crank: High Voltage.  A great many probably can't tolerate a movie this unhinged, but I find it to be exhilarating and hilarious in equal measures, and that sounds like a good time at the movies to me.  Seriously, cinematic brilliance is inserting a brief and pointless cut in the middle of a foot chase so you can use the title card "9 Seconds Later."  Add a Mike Patton score (I'm a huge Patton fan, and this soundtrack is one of my favorite things he has done) and I'm positively swooning over here.  The kaiju scene?  Forget about it.  Take my money, now.  And I'm a big Statham fan, and this picture definitely makes fine use of both his athletic prowess and his incredible sense of humor.  It's insane from start to finish, and much like Speed Racer, this feature could best be described as a live-action cartoon--only this one is for adults only.  It features the most comical sex scene of all time, Dwight Yoakam generating four laughs for every three seconds that he spends on screen ("Is Doc Miles going to have to choke a bitch?"), some serious gore, about a zillion shots fired, and Clifton Collins, Jr. taking it to the limit and beyond as a villain who exists as a caricature of a caricature.  And there's tons of other stuff I could single out, as the Neveldine/Taylor directing duo have engineered an action flick so out of control that virtually every frame is jam-packed with delusional mayhem or tasteless humor--or some combination of the two.  This is most certainly a love it or hate it sort of film, and I absolutely love it. 

Final Grade: A
 

No sacred cows, no holds barred, and zero fucks given.  That's the formula, and the end result is as entertaining as it is absurd.

Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)

Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)

I watched a rather unique film this weekend, and I'm pretty sure that it was an American classic.  I had never heard of it before happening upon it by chance, and I'm not sure what drew me to it in the first place.  Maybe it was that groovy title, Electra Glide in Blue.  From the onset, two things were readily apparent: the craftmanship was sublime, and the subject matter was deep and open to interpretation.  A captivating character study and a meditation on so many different things, to include ideals as opposed to reality, isolation, civic duty, machismo, and even the merits of peace in a violent world, ten different viewers would likely draw ten different conclusions from the picture.  The cinematography was nothing short of superb, and while I greatly enjoyed the cast (in particular, star Robert Blake fully committed to the lead role and offered up a bravura performance as a result), the way the shots were framed and the powerful combination of riveting close-ups and compelling wide shots may have been the picture's greatest strengths.  It was impossible to look away no matter how bleak the movie became, though there were flourishes of humor and excitement sprinkled throughout.  The ending served as the perfect punctuation for a quizzical and startling film that worked for me on a great many levels.  As with any movie of this ilk, I do think it would prove divisive for most.  While I found it incredibly satisfying and worthy of repeated viewings, many would likely view it as too broad and ambiguous--or take offense at some of the conclusions they draw from it.  Of course, I tend to think that a film that can provoke such reactions is often a rich find, and I am certainly glad that I took a little ride with Electra Glide in Blue.

Final Grade: A

Electra Glide in Blue deserves another look, and the juxtaposition of civility and brutality is as relevant now as ever.