Short Attention Span Review - Primal (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Primal (2019)

Primal is based on a script that has been around since the 90s.  Often, with a film of this sort, that seems like a blessing, because there are elements of this picture that would clearly benefit from what the special effects community is capable of these days.  Well, about that . . . maybe this one would have been better off being filmed in the 90s.  Or the 80s.  Hell, maybe even the 70s.  What really limits Primal are the dodgy effects (the CGI is roughly equivalent to Playstation 2 graphics) and the abysmal picture quality.  I would blame the film stock, but I'm pretty sure film wasn't in the budget.  Think we're seeing the work of cheap digital cameras here.  So, we have a picture that really needs quality effects (among the most pertinent elements of the screenplay are a massive albino jaguar, deadly vipers, and a host of jungle critters running amok on a boat) that fails in that regard.  And this movie boasts the same picture quality you might see on local access television.  And we have Nicolas Cage, who looks a bit rough around the edges, and falls well short of the Nicolas Cage who made Mandy one of 2018's biggest surprises.  Yet this isn't exactly "phone it in" Nicolas Cage, as he does show some gusto, and throws himself into the physical elements of the movie.  And Kevin Durand fully embraces his role as the heavy, chewing scenery with glee when he isn't beating the shit out of Cage's dubious hero.  Famke Janssen is also on hand to look awful* and fall for Cage's arrogant and derisive big game hunter as he endangers everyone on the ship with a bevy of treacherous animals he is smuggling across the sea.  So, this all sounds pretty bad, I imagine, and it is.  Oh boy, it is.  And it's also a lot of fun if you like a good B movie.  Scratch that--it's also a lot of fun if you like a bad B movie.  Despite the shitty look of the piece and the lousy effects, the movie seldom slows down, and it is frequently gruesome.  There are some good scraps, some decent lines, and even a few morbid laughs along the way.  There are also cliches to spare, but that's part of the fun in a B movie that feels like Under Siege's long-lost bastard child by way of the Syfy Channel.  You know what?  Here's the short version: it's kinda awful, but I liked it.

*I feel bad pointing this out, but it is impossible to overlook.  Part of me thinks Cage was enough of a  gentleman to go on a bender and put on a few pounds just to make poor Famke feel more comfortable on set.

Final Grade: C+

Sometimes a bad Nicolas Cage movie is just a bad movie, but this is one of those bad Nicolas Cage movies that is most certainly a good bad movie.

Short Attention Span Review: Rogue (2007)

Short Attention Span Review: Rogue (2007)

Yes, I have a weakness for both creature features and nature runs amok outings, so they had me at giant crocodile.  However, for every Alligator there are at least a dozen lackluster imitations.  So, despite the presence of director Greg McLean at the helm and genre favorite Radha Mitchell in a lead role, I was no more than cautiously optimistic when I first sat down to watch this 2007 production.  While it was no Jaws (I'm sorry, I know there will never be another Jaws, but like everyone else who pens such reviews, I'm required to say that of any picture in this vein), I can heartily recommend this nailbiter from down under.  Like many fine Australian featurs that precede it, Rogue makes great use of the stunning locales and the rugged mystique of the Outback.  It also makes great use of a sharp script and several fine performances, with the first act serving as both a showcase for stunning cinematography that makes great use of some splendid scenery and a compelling introduction to an assortment of characters.  Most are likable enough, though Sam Worthington shines in an early role as a complete tool who summons some major heroism when the going gets tough and the tough start getting devoured by a mammoth crocodile.  The second act is more about mounting tension and features some white-knuckle thrills, while the third and finale act is a bloody showdown between man and beast.  While that third act is wildly unrealistic but unquestionably entertaining, it's really the first two acts that lift Rogue toward the high water mark for such fare.  In the end, this is a crafty horror flick that aspires to be nothing more than a killer B movie--and sticks the landing.

Final Grade: B

Given that this comes from the director of Wolf Creek, it should come as no surprise that it packs a bit more suspense and tension than your average nature runs amok chiller.

Top 20 Horror Novels - #19) Manstopper by Douglas Borton (from 1988)

Not only am I ranking my Top 20 Horror Movies for you this October, but I'm doing likewise with the scary books that I hold near and dear.  As with the movies that I'm discussing in that Top 20, I'm not attempting to rank these novels based on their place in pop culture, but rather their place in my heart.  Isn't that sweet?  Seriously, there are some fine books that didn't make the cut here because there just wasn't room, and there are definitely some well-regarded books that didn't make the cut because I don't really like them.  That also means there are some personal favorites of mine on this list that you may not have heard of.  If that's the case, I promise that I'll reward your trust with a gnarly tale if you give one of them a spin.  Finally, I may have shortchanged some of the titans in the genre (hey there, Stephen King) as I didn't want to overload this list with titles by the same author, though Uncle Stevie did manage to score three direct hits on my list.

The list thus far:

#20) Amok by George Fox (from 1980)

Top 20 Horror Novels - #19) Manstopper by Douglas Borton (from 1988)

Manstopper is one of a handful of novels that I read from cover to cover in a single sitting the first time that I picked it up.  I have revisited it several times over the years and it never fails to entertain me.  This isn't all that surprising, as I'm a big fan of "nature runs amok" fare, with Jaws standing as the obvious high-water mark for that particular sub-genre.  Manstopper takes a different approach and is vastly inferior to Peter Benchley's beloved masterpiece, but it is a fine book nonetheless.  The story centers on a pack of deadly dobermans preying on the unfortunate inhabitants of a quaint little town.  These fearsome animals have been trained to kill, and when they're set loose upon an unsuspecting populace, gruesome terror ensues.  Manstopper features likable characters and an appropriate setting, and Borton does a fine job with all the suspense and outright terror that his killer dogs conjure up.  Each of these fascinating creatures has a name and a personality, and the author's efforts to capture portions of the tale from their perspective are admirable.  There's also a human villain in the mix, and the plot is just complex enough to allow the reader to really sink their hooks in while remaining simple enough to rocket along at a breakneck pace.  The author shows little restraint, but I don't think that the novel ever devolves into trashy pulp--though it certainly toes the line at times.  Manstopper is a thrilling book with a gripping climax that is totally satisfying.  Douglas Borton (who now writes thrillers as Michael Prescott) engineered a nifty exercise in excitement that delivers the goods when he wrote this book with enough bite to match a considerable bark, earning a spot on my list. 

Short Attention Span Review: Frogs (1972)

Frogs is silly, but that probably doesn't need to be said.  It's a movie called Frogs, after all.  No one should expect high art from a film about killer amphibians.  Surprisingly, Ray Milland was available for this flick, and he's joined by actors like Sam Elliot and Adam Roarke in a campy spectacle that takes itself a bit too seriously to be as fun as it probably should have been.  It's still entertaining so long as you like cheese more than you like wine, but in spite of a ludicrous premise and some less-than-inspired writing, this isn't one of those "so bad it's good" laugh-riots that I frequently recommend.  No, it's kooky, but it's also a bit somber and some might even find Frogs to be rather dull.  I enjoyed it largely because I'm a sucker for stuff like this and I liked Sam Elliott's super-cool approach to playing the lead.  Milland might get top billing, but Sam's the hero.  He makes it look easy--dude is every bit as chill when he has to do battle with pissed off water moccasins as you or I would be while making a sandwich.  Though the title might lead you to expect an avalanche of frogs wreaking havoc, that's only a small slice of the pie.  Members of the cast also fall prey to spiders, snakes, lizards, turtles, and alligators along the way.  Apparently someone thought Frogs was a more inspiring title than Swamp Creatures on the Rampage.  The frogs do act as upper management while man suffers for his crimes against the environment and their ghastly croaking could easily be mistaken for the film's score.  Yes, it's another eco-friendly fright flick from the 70s (I love those!) as well as a man vs. nature throwdown (I love those too!), so the fact that I have a soft spot for this oddity should come as no surprise. 

Final Grade: C

Killer frogs?  Sam Elliott ain't go no time for that.