Short Attention Span Review - Tentacles (1977)

Short Attention Span Review - Tentacles (1977)

Here's a transcript of pretty much anyone watching Tentacles for the first time:

Hey, how did they get Henry Fonda to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get Shelley Winters to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get John Huston to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, how did they get Claude Akins to star in this piece of shit?
Hey, Bo Hopkins is in this piece of shit.

Man, I'm too hard on Bo, who played the hell out of Bo Hopkins in a lot of good movies.  And a lot of bad movies too.  This is one of his less inspired takes on Bo Hopkins.  Pretty sure he decided to ease up on the throttle when he saw the line where he declares that the threat at the heart of this lame duck of a creature feature is indeed a giant octopus.  He delivers this line with all the gusto of a man who has misplaced all of his gusto.  I don't think he even bothered to play Bo Hopkins in that scene.  Pretty sure he was picturing Bo Hopkins cashing a check.  Honestly, it kind of sucks for the guy.  I bet working with Fonda was a big deal for most actors.  And I feel like Bo might have avoided the subject.

Anyone: Hey, didn't you make a movie with Henry Fonda in 1977?
Bo: (takes a drink) I don't want to talk about that movie I made with Henry Fonda in 1977.

Final Grade: D

Question: Why did it get a "D" after that abominable write-up?  Well, I mean . . . it does have Bo Hopkins in it.

This will not happen to your face when you watch Tentacles.  Your brain, maybe, but not your face.

Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

This is one of the first movies that I ever saw, and it may be the first horror movie that I watched.  That honor belongs to either this cheap horror/thriller hybrid or The Boogens.  Recently, I snagged a copy of Jungle Heat on VHS and revisited it.  Despite some pronounced shortcomings that it can't quite overcome (namely, the budget--or lack thereof), Jungle Heat does enough well to deserve a little more love from the horror community.  For starters, I found Peter Fonda to be on point, and the fact that his flawed hero is both a struggling alcoholic and a real dick made the character more intriguing.  As a general rule, you don't want your leading man to be an asshole, but hey, if you go that route, at least you're doing something different.  Deborah Raffin is way too good for the picture, and does a fine job of stumbling into jeopardy and putting up with Fonda's shit.  Which is somewhat understandable, since his role requires him to rescue her whenever he isn't getting drunk or being a dickhead.  The mood is a definite win; Jungle Heat has a wonky vibe that slowly descends into serious dread during a bleak closing reel that feels more 70s than 80s.  The sound design also warrants praise--when we finally get to the creature element of this low rent creature feature, the little boogers may look lame as fuck, but they sound terrifying.  Those roars are seriously gnarly, and an otherwise mundane score ramps up as everything goes bad in that grim finale.  Of course, the script is uneven, the direction is lackluster, and the budget is a genuine embarrassment, so Jungle Heat often runs cold.  Still,  while it's frequently regarded as abysmal by those who remember it at all, I rate it passable at worst and pretty damn dope in brief splashes of creepy mayhem.

Final Grade: C

Peter Fonda is a total dick in this cheap horror flick that I may be somewhat biased toward--it was one of the first movies I recall seeing.

To revisit this childhood fave, I had to seek out a copy on VHS.  Kicking it old school, peeps.

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Disclaimer: yes, this is another bad movie I love.  Been revisiting a lot of those lately.  Devilfish is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.  It is atrocious in too many ways to list in a single review, much less one of my Short Attention Span Reviews.  And yet, I love it.  This love affair goes all the way back to my teens.  A rental store I frequented (Brewer's was the name, and anyone who also hails from lowly southside VA may well have treasured the place as much as I did) had a copy, but it was never available.  I guess someone lost it.  So, I would look at the box, and given my love for shark movies and Italian horror, it seemed like a potential classic.  Honestly, take a gander at that poster.  Looks pretty fucking cool, doesn't it?  Yeah, I thought so too.  Anyway, time passed.  No shit, it may have been a year--it was several months at a minimum, and then one fateful day the rental copy showed up.  I don't know if someone found it and returned it, or if it had been misplaced somewhere in the store and they located it.  Either way, one Friday night it was there.  I had to see it, and I was expecting a showstopper.  What I beheld that night was an absolute turd, but it had me roaring with laughter.  Some of the dialogue is wretched (the sheriff repeatedly says "What we are dealing with is a monster," and his wooden delivery paired with that lovely line gets me every time), many of the performances are far worse (there is a surefire candidate for worst death scene ever filmed included in the picture), the effects are horrendous, and the plot is the worst thing about the movie.  But it is somehow entertaining, perhaps because it is so hilariously inept, but also because Lamberto Bava was a good enough director to keep things lively in spite of all the movie's considerable failings.  Over the years, I would rent this one often and show it to people for kicks.  I even got my parents to watch it one Saturday night, and while my dad did little but groan, my dear departed mother laughed herself silly.  It remains a personal favorite for all the wrong reasons, and these days I seem to enjoy it more each time I view it.  I'm giving it a C+ here, even though it surely registers as an F.  Give me another twenty years and it may raise to a B in my book.

Final Grade: C+

Just look at that shit.  This movie is fucking terrible.  And that's what makes it so awesome.

Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

I'm a sucker for monster movies set in the depths of the ocean, and I readily admit that most of these films aren't very good.  With that in mind, it is safe to say that Underwater follows in their footsteps.  While better than Deepstar Six and pretty much on the same level as Leviathan, it falls well short of the high water mark for such fare, Deep Rising.  However, it does have many things going for it.  I really liked the design elements, to include the sets and the creepy-crawlies.  The frantic pace seemed like a good idea, particularly during a rousing opening.  After that, however, the movie got lost and floundered before finding its way back for an explosive conclusion with some potent emotional heft thrown in for good measure.  Though they were painted in the broadest of strokes, I did enjoy the characters, and the performances were far better than what we often see in such a run-of-the-mill creature feature.  I did find Kristen Stewart to be particularly effective, and she certainly gave it her all.  However, it did seem a bit odd that she had to spend so much of the picture running around in her underwear.  At one point, they noted that the temperature had risen ten degrees because of an incident, but at seven miles below the surface, I doubt that turns the ocean into a liquid sauna.  And they also pointed out that the dive suits they frequently lumbered around in were too tight to accommodate regular clothing,  but since wetsuits and form-fitting clothing are actual things, this too felt like a lame excuse.  Like, no bullshit, there are probably women in prison flicks where the ladies aren't exploited quite as much.  My biggest complaint would be what could have been a total lack of competency, though I think it was actually a desire to provide an immersive effect geared toward exploring claustrophobia and disorientation.  Translation: for much of the picture, I had no idea what was happening.  There were several key moments (to include two pivotal deaths) that will forever remain mysteries to me, despite what were no doubt highly expensive displays of Grade A shaky cam magic.  In the dark.  Key dialogue was muffled by heavy breathing and distorted transmissions.  Entire setpieces were lost to a fog of paranoia and jarring visuals, punctuated by quick glimpses of darkness and more darkness.  Maybe this sounded good in concept, but when a character you enjoy perishes and you have no idea what went down, it's a bit of a bummer.  When it happens more than once, it becomes flat out frustrating.  That's how I would ultimately describe Underwater: frustrating.  Everything necessary for a groovy chiller is on hand, but the ingredients are misused, and the resulting dish is a little bland, a little messy, and very forgettable despite a couple of exciting flourishes.

Final Grade: C-

Kristen Stewart is pictured here in more than just her undergarments.  She bares her soul in a fine lead performance that also requires her to bare everything else far too often.

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

I plucked one from the archives today.  The Kindred is a late 80s monster movie that I may have rented a few too many times during my unruly youth.  It is rather gooey, and while I can't rightfully say that it is very good, it is a fun little monster movie.  Like many such affairs that go big often, it lands a few solid punches when it isn't getting knocked on its slimy ass.  Translation: there are some bits that work well and some gnarly effects, and there are also some sequences that fall flat and some effects that miss the mark.  By a lot.  The cast is game, with a young Amanda Pays standing out here and there while Rod Steiger slums it up.  To his credit, while many performers of his caliber would shift into neutral while slumming, Steiger actually seems pretty into it.  And the poor boy does take his lumps in the closing reel, so that is rather commendable.  Our lead (David Allen Brooks as John Hollins) doesn't exactly light up the screen, but he doesn't fall flat either.  Peter Frechette seems a little fierier in a lesser role, and this may be why he suddenly rises to the forefront in the closing reel.  The atmosphere is nice and sinister, the premise is just kooky enough to keep us involved, and an average monster movie is always better than even the greatest love stories captured on film.  That's how I see the world, anyhow.  So, yeah, this is just an average monster movie, nothing more, nothing less, but it was nice to take a stroll down memory lane.  Yes, good people of the internet, I enjoyed revisiting these crazy kids and their grotesque vaguely humanoid siblings.  And if you dig creature features too, you could do far worse.

Final Grade: C

The Kindred is a gooey mess, but it's a lot more entertaining than Gone with the Wind or Titanic.  True story.

Short Attention Span Review - Life (2017)

Short Attention Span Review - Life (2017)

Widely panned as an Alien wannabe with a great cast and a lousy creature, Life came and went with minimal fanfare.  I have a soft spot for films in this vein, so the fact that I had yet to watch this sci-fi/horror hybrid only underscores just how badly it was overlooked.  I say that because having viewed Life this weekend, I'm here to tell you that this one is well worth a watch.  And it tries really hard to be something more than an Alien clone, though the trappings are too familiar.  Bottom line: if you do a creature feature in space, you're wading into that territory.  There's no way around it.  It's like making a shark movie--your picture will be compared to Jaws.  Those are the rules.  And while Alien was a B movie at heart, Ridley Scott transformed it into a visionary spectacle for the ages.  Life is technically sound, but it doesn't rise above being a B movie in concept or execution.  But it's a good B movie, sporting a great cast, quality effects, and a vicious monster that is unique.  I really liked the way the picture was shot, and I also liked that creature.  And Life has some serious momentum--once the horror aspects really kick in, it's very exciting and equally dark.  Many fans will likely be turned off by how cold-blooded the script is, but genre fans may find that this sinister undercurrent enhances the experience.  It is no classic, not by a long shot, but as monster movies go, it's a winner.  If you're looking for some gruesome thrills, you could do far worse.  

Final Grade: B

Jake Gyllenhaal sits at the head of the table where Life's considerable star power is concerned, but this is still a B movie.

Short Attention Span Review - Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019)

As a lifelong fan of the big guy, I was stoked about this one, but I missed it during the theatrical run.  Last night, I atoned for that by viewing it with the fam in glorious 4K, with the volume cranked up.  Way up.  And while it didn't reinvent the wheel (or even try to, for that matter), I had a blast with this epic showdown.  I felt like this was a nice bridge between the new school and the old school, and it was awesome to see lots of giant monsters throwing down on this scale.  The story was solid without being special, but then plots have never been the strengths for such movies--and Godzilla: King of the Monsters had a lot more going for it in this department than a great many of its predecessors.  I actually found myself deep in my feels at a few points, most notably when Ken Watanabe had his big moment.  Incidentally, this bit gave way to the biggest thrill of the picture, and that sequence netted a hearty cheer from the Wayland household.  I also enjoyed the 2016 Godzilla, but Michael Dougherty kept his word, and delivered a bigger and better picture this time out.  Mothra was incredible.  Rodan was dope.  And King Ghidorah was badass--and Godzilla: King of the Monsters brings these titans together for several riveting clashes, with the wicked conclusion providing us with a truly kickass climax.  The way this film is tied to Kong: Skull Island worked nicely, and the stage has definitely been set for a clash between Godzilla and King Kong.  Who in their right mind wouldn't want to see that brought to life with modern technology and a killer budget?  So, yeah, Godzilla: King of the Monsters is a fun show; it's a relatively simple creature feature, and it will surely be written off as a lot of noise and special effects by the type of people who don't dig a lot of monster movies to begin with.  Screw them.

Final Grade: B+

Big, loud, and fun--just what we want from a giant monster movie.

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

I should have known better.  I really should have.  But the cover was so pulpy and colorful, and the packaging seemed to promise a good time at the movies courtesy of a cheeky horror flick.  And so I journeyed to Forbidden World.  I did not enjoy my stay there.  Look, I enjoy some low-budget affairs (heck, I consider myself a John "Bud" Cardos fan), but this film looked cheap, sounded cheap, and felt cheap.  It was a ripoff, but that doesn't necessarily doom a film in my book.  It was also more of a softcore extravaganza than a horror film or a science fiction film.  And you know what?  June Chadwick is very easy on the eyes.  But is there any such thing as a good softcore movie?  And, so help me, watching poor June and her equally enticing co-star Dawn Dunlap throw themselves at star Jesse Vint (no offense, but dude is a far cry from anything resembling a stud-muffin) proved harder to digest than the hokey effects.  So, you know, I'm sure some of the people involved tried.  Maybe they tried really hard.  But that doesn't change the fact that Forbidden World is a tacky clone based on a flimsy script, featuring some bad acting (this doesn't include dear June Chadwick going wild for Jesse Vint, which was frankly Oscar-worthy stuff), cheap sets, lousy effects, and even recycled footage.  The only thing this movie has going for it would be those hot chicks throwing down with some slightly below-average Joe with a laser pistol, and a heavy dose of gore.  And I kinda liked the score.  For some, that may be enough, but I thought it was trash.  Anyone out there looking to score a copy of Forbidden World on Blu-Ray?

Final Grade: D-

Okay, June Chadwick is sensational to look at, no doubt it, but that's just not enough to make a trip to this Forbidden World worthwhile.

Short Attention Span Review - Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)

Q works for a few reasons.  As many have pointed out before, the most significant boost comes from Michael Moriarty, who just acts his ass off.  In the midst of a campy horror movie with a flying monstrosity and killer cultists, Moriarty lets it all fly, and his performance is positively Oscar-worthy.  There is no way that previous statement won't come off as hyperbole, but it's totally true.  Moriarty does some Daniel Day-Lewis method shit and slays his role as a petty crook who is both a coward and a dreamer who won't shy away from a big play.  Another key to this cult classic's place in the hearts of horror fans is that while it does contain a flying serpent and those bloodthirsty cultists, that's not really what it's about.  It's mostly about the characters, to include Moriarty's ambitious thief, David Carradine's inquisitive detective (he's equal parts tough and thoughtful), and Candy Clark as Joan, the woman who loves Moriarty's Jimmy Quinn and also despises him.  Cohen's direction and witty script (there are some top-shelf lines in this one) are also winners, but that won't surprise anyone who digs his work.  The effects are sinister where the cultists are concerned and downright hokey where the titular terror is concerned.  This flying fiend is captured via stop motion a la Harryhausen, making this both a kooky frightfest and a love letter of sorts to the creature features of the 50s and 60s.  Q is a strange dish, and it surely registers as junk food, but it remains tasty after all these years.

Final Grade: B

Yes, it's a goofy monster movie, but the praise often heaped upon Moriarty's jazzy performance is wholly warranted.  He should have gotten an Oscar.  I'm dead fucking serious right now.

Short Attention Span Review: Rogue (2007)

Short Attention Span Review: Rogue (2007)

Yes, I have a weakness for both creature features and nature runs amok outings, so they had me at giant crocodile.  However, for every Alligator there are at least a dozen lackluster imitations.  So, despite the presence of director Greg McLean at the helm and genre favorite Radha Mitchell in a lead role, I was no more than cautiously optimistic when I first sat down to watch this 2007 production.  While it was no Jaws (I'm sorry, I know there will never be another Jaws, but like everyone else who pens such reviews, I'm required to say that of any picture in this vein), I can heartily recommend this nailbiter from down under.  Like many fine Australian featurs that precede it, Rogue makes great use of the stunning locales and the rugged mystique of the Outback.  It also makes great use of a sharp script and several fine performances, with the first act serving as both a showcase for stunning cinematography that makes great use of some splendid scenery and a compelling introduction to an assortment of characters.  Most are likable enough, though Sam Worthington shines in an early role as a complete tool who summons some major heroism when the going gets tough and the tough start getting devoured by a mammoth crocodile.  The second act is more about mounting tension and features some white-knuckle thrills, while the third and finale act is a bloody showdown between man and beast.  While that third act is wildly unrealistic but unquestionably entertaining, it's really the first two acts that lift Rogue toward the high water mark for such fare.  In the end, this is a crafty horror flick that aspires to be nothing more than a killer B movie--and sticks the landing.

Final Grade: B

Given that this comes from the director of Wolf Creek, it should come as no surprise that it packs a bit more suspense and tension than your average nature runs amok chiller.

Short Attention Span Review: Rampage (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Rampage (2018)

As someone who played the video game this movie is based on in my youth, the news that this property was being developed into a film hit me like a ton of meh.  There wasn't much in the way of a plot so far as the game was concerned, and even after The Rock signed on to star in the picture, I just didn't see how this could be anything special.  I think I was expecting something more along the lines of Pixels, so I got a pleasant surprise when I took my son to see this one in the theater.  We revisited it on Blu-Ray this weekend with the whole fam, and my opinion hasn't changed: Rampage is a solid creature feature.  It's not quite on par with Kong: Skull Island, but it isn't too far off, and while I think the 2014 version of Godzilla is a superior movie, Rampage offers a lot more in the way of entertainment.  The effects were pretty awesome, there were some big laughs along the way, and anyone who enjoys seeing giant monsters run amok is guaranteed to enjoy the shenanigans that unfold in this nonsensical romp.  The Rock does a bang-up job in the lead role, investing a lot of heart into the picture, while most everyone else is relegated to playing a cliche aside from George, the albino gorilla/CGI spectacle who enjoys quite a bromance with our star.  Genre fans will likely enjoy the little Predator homage embedded in the first act, and the last reel is a cinematic bombardment of carnage on an epic scale.  Perhaps most impressive is the fact that the movie manages to tell an interesting tale and deliver some serious kicks while also finding a way to pay homage to the simplistic video game it is based upon.  While I'm a big fan of The Rock as a personality, I have often found his filmography to be a bit lacking, and I surely didn't expect Rampage to offer anything new and different.  In truth, it didn't, but those who enjoy my blog should know by now that I'm sucker for a creature feature, and I'm not one to throw stones at a servicable B movie.  This is both of those things, and it is also one of The Rock's most enjoyable offerings.

Final Grade: B+

Surprisingly, Rampage emerges as a solid creature feature and one of The Rock's  most entertaining movies.

Short Attention Span Review: A Quiet Place (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: A Quiet Place (2018)

For a film fanatic, there are few feelings so sublime as that sense of bliss that washes over you when you realize you are watching an instant classic.  Sometimes this can be misleading, as it isn't uncommon for an epic set-up or some incredible filmmaking to break down at some point, but occasionally the filmmakers deliver the goods from start to finish.  A Quiet Place is one of those flicks where things begin and end on a high note, with a series of high notes sprinkled in between for good measure.  The pitch is simple but intriguing and new, and the execution is flawless.  Truthfully, I can't think of anything that warrants criticism.  The acting is sensational, with everyone in the small cast doing an amazing job of bringing their characters to life.  It's hard to single anyone out, but Emily Blunt surely deserves special praise given her Oscar-worthy performance even if none of her co-stars lag too far behind her tour de force.  The script is keen and insightful; it is stripped to the bare essentials, yet it contains incredible depth and completely fleshes out its vision.  Co-star John Krasinski is a bit of a revelation as a director, and he nearly matches his wife with an invigorating performance.  Few genres depend on a good score and sound effects as much as the horror genre, and the very concept of  A Quiet Place demands an awful lot on those fronts--and the artists come through in spectacular fashion.  The creature design is a big winner, the pacing and editing are on point, . . . there's just nothing to complain about here.  There is a lot to marvel at, and viewers who journey to A Quiet Place will be swept away by a vivid sensation that will terrify and move them in equal measures. This is a fine example of the horror genre at its very best, as A Quiet Place is an amazing experience that easily stands as one of the best films we'll see this year--or any other year, for that matter.

Final Grade: A+

An inventive concept and excellent craftsmanship combine to yield an instant classic.  A Quiet Place is not just a great horror film, it's a great film in general.

Short Attention Span Review: Dark Was the Night (2014)

Short Attention Span Review: Dark Was the Night (2014)

Here's a little picture that slipped through the cracks for the most part and didn't seem to garner a lot of praise.  Mostly regarded as average, I was intrigued by the title and premise, but I honestly didn't expect much from Dark Was the Night.  However, it didn't take long for me to become enthralled, and I found this to be a rock solid creature feature.  I really enjoyed the old school monster movie approach with a plot that fit the "slow boil" mold to perfection and direction that yielded only a few glimpses of the creature until the rousing conclusion.  Kevin Durand and Lukas Haas put in quality work as the leads, and each character came equipped with a backstory that made them easy to root for.  I liked the way the town of Maiden Woods was depicted, and a typical assortment of stock characters made me feel right at home in no time.  Director Jack Heller did a great job of establishing suspense and creating an atmosphere of dread while fleshing out his characters, and he engineered a few big scares along the way to give this one some bite.  Some might be annoyed at the bluish tint that settles over most of the proceedings, but I thought it gave the picture a unique look and it paired nicely with some of the emotional battles playing out in the lives of our protagonists.  Finally, the big finale didn't let me down, and while the effects weren't exactly top-shelf material, they didn't miss the mark by much.  When the town of Maiden Woods gathered together to make their last stand, I found the confrontation that played out to be thrilling and satisfying, and the ending was a perfect throwback to the creature features of my youth.  Yes, those who have a similar nostalgia for the monster movies of the 70s and 80s may find more to enjoy here than modern audiences, but Dark Was the Night is a well-made horror flick that should entertain genre fans of any era.  Is it a B movie?  Absolutely, but it's a damn good B movie, and I would personally welcome a sequel with open arms.

Final Grade: B

I loved the old school creature feature feel, and Kevin Durand and Lukas Haas made for a pair of likable leads.

Short Attention Span Review: The Ritual (2017)

Short Attention Span Review: The Ritual (2017)

While I felt that Hereditary stunk up the joint in a big way, I did recently scope out a truly unnerving horror film on Netflix.  Despite the fact that the plot hinges on four otherwise intelligent dudes deciding to take a shortcut through the woods (and sticking to that shortcut despite several clear warnings in the first act that would have inspired any reasonable soul to backtrack), this is a somber outing with some big scares up its sleeve.  Yes, The Ritual may suffer from a few serious lapses in character logic, but it will still scare you silly thanks to a potent atmosphere, a fine score, and some magnificent effects.  An exercise in mounting dread, it doesn't take long for this one to grab viewers, and the pace is relentless, with things getting tougher and tougher for our protagonists as the picture deftly marches toward unspeakable terror.  What awaits our largely unknown cast is a different sort of menace, and this gruesome monstrosity is brought to life in magical ways.  I think The Ritual features one of the best creature designs in recent memory, and the final reel is loaded with amazing visuals that allow the horror to take root.  There is also a lot of depth to the piece, with the characters turning on one another and struggling to come to terms with their unlikely fate in believable fashion.  It's also willing to ask some tough questions, and our response to fear and danger is probed in such a manner that will lead the viewer to ponder whether they would stand their ground or submit in extreme circumstances.  This difficult introspection is perhaps the heart and soul of the piece, and it is handled in such a way that this troubling debate gives the film incredible gravitas.  The acting is another of The Ritual's strengths, and all told, I found this one to be a grim and disturbing voyage into a wicked unknown.  I have to take a few points away for the boneheaded behavior in the opening reel, but beyond that, I have no complaints.  Most importantly, it gave me the willies.

Final Grade: B+

Let this be the last word on the matter: there is no such thing as a shortcut through the woods.

Short Attention Span Review: Kong: Skull Island (2017)

Short Attention Span Review: Kong: Skull Island (2017)

When I was a chap, Pop took me to see Godzilla 1985 and I had an absolute blast.  Last week, I got to take a couple of my wee ones to see Kong: Skull Island, and we had a blast with what is certainly a vastly superior film.  In fact, as a lifelong fan of both Godzilla and King Kong (and pretty much any other giant monster I've seen on-screen), I think it's safe to say that I don't know if there's any such venture that packs as much excitement into its run time as this 2017 thrill ride.  Now, it does suffer a little from a lack of originality (it does represent a fresh take on the material, but in many ways this is the still the Kong we all know and love) and it may not have the heart and soul that some of the more moving takes on this property have benefited from, but it is jam-packed with exhilaration and creativity.  The effects are stupendous, and a fine cast led by Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, and Samuel L. Jackson work very hard at not being upstaged by John C. Reilly at every turn.  Hiddleston proves to be a quality leading man, Larson's presence gives all the mayhem unfolding on screen some depth, and Jackson flirts with the Jon Voight in Anaconda approach.  It is Reilly who really steals the show, however, and while his humor is evident throughout, he also brings a lot of energy and emotion to Kong: Skull Island.  This slick motion picture is very much in the summer blockbuster mold, and those who get their kicks from creature features and 70s rock may not have a better time at the theater in 2017.  It's not a great movie, but it's a great time at the movies, and as someone who treasures this sort of material, I can't recommend Kong: Skull Island enough.

Final Grade: B+

Kong: Skull Island is an action-packed thrill ride that should delight monster movie fans across the globe.

Short Attention Span Review: Victor Frankenstein (2015)

Short Attention Span Review: Victor Frankenstein (2015)

Max Landis did something new and interesting with his script for Victor Frankenstein and director Paul McGuigan gave the picture a great look, but the two leads (James McAvoy and Daniel Radcliffe) are really what make this one click.  Narrowing the focus for this take on the classic story to Victor and Igor (with Igor taking center stage) could have been disastrous, but the witty script, the bold visuals, and a pair of quality performances make this one of the most entertaining Frankenstein pictures out there.  The film is told largely from Igor's perspective and Radcliffe is fine in this role, but it is safe to say that McAvoy's bold scientist with a hunger for forbidden fruit dominates the proceedings.  Andrew Scott also makes quite an impact as a devout detective who is determined to thwart Frankenstein's devilish dealings with science, and Charles Dance is commanding in an impressive cameo.  Also impressive in what amounts to little more than a cameo is Frankenstein's creature, and while he only appears briefly in the closing reel, the design in play and the effects that bring this monstrosity to life are both incredible to behold.  That finale was also quite a spectacle, and surely no other Frankenstein film can offer up such an action-packed conclusion.  While I can be a bit of a purist when it comes to adapting material like this, I actually found Victor Frankenstein to be one of the most rewarding spins on the timeless mythos that I have beheld, and I don't think there are many versions of this tale that I'm unfamiliar with.  It's a bit less frightening than the standard approach, but far more entertaining--and while it makes drastic alterations to Mary Shelley's story, Victor is basically the same character and the big questions regarding life and death that fuel his descent into madness are well-preserved.  Those questions are the backbone of the Frankenstein legacy, and this film stands as proof that they are still potent enough to anchor a thrilling horror opus.

Final Grade: A-

This spin on the classic tale is centered on the relationship between Victor and Igor, and stars James McAvoy and Daniel Radcliffe work hard to make this fresh approach an exciting success.

Short Attention Span Review: Critters (1986)

Unfairly labelled a Gremlins clone upon release, Critters is a quirky horror film with a talented cast and groovy special effects.  It borrows from several movies but remains original and entertaining from start to finish.  At times it is a little creepy, at times it is certainly thrilling, and there's a lot of humor sprinkled throughout.  The plot finds a handful of alien furballs with lots of teeth terrorizing a likable family at their farm.  There are a pair of alien bounty hunters who can look like anyone hot on the trail of these borderline cute/decidedly vicious furballs.  The critters roll around and wreak havoc at the farm with glee, while the somewhat dimwitted and extremely destructive bounty hunters damn near ruin the entire town looking for them.  The humans caught in the mix include Scott Grimes (who recently nailed a decent part on the final season of Justified) as Brad, a mischievous young boy who digs firecrackers.  His mother and father are played by Dee Wallace Stone and Billy Green Bush, and they make the most of their parts.  There's also Don Keith Opper as the crazy guy who helps out at the farm and the always reliable M. Emmet Walsh as the baffled sheriff.  Those viewers who are expecting a bloody romp may be a bit disappointed with the minimal body count, but anyone expecting a lighthearted picture will be taken aback by the violence and language.  It's a kooky flick and it may be underrated simply because it's hard to determine exactly what audience the filmmakers were aiming for.  Critters is a bit too rough to be kiddie fare and many adults will find it too silly to enjoy.  However, those who like a zany creature feature and anyone who shares my enthusiasm for 80s horror movies will have a blast with this one. 

Final Grade: B+

Dee Wallace Stone shows some range, going from loving mother to
scared mother before finally arriving at angry mother/critter-slaying machine.

Short Attention Span Review: The Relic (1996)

It's an old story: a great book goes to Hollywood and becomes the basis for a lesser movie.  What can I say?  The best stories are told on paper and they can't always be transferred to the big screen without losing a little something along the way.  Sometimes they lose a lot.  Yet there are cases--like The Relic--where the book is so incredible that even a lukewarm adaptation makes for an entertaining show.  While it is surely a far cry from the book, to include the absence of the novel's main character and a far less impressive conclusion, The Relic still works in a variety of ways.  The mood and the sets are top-notch and the very idea of setting a creature feature in a museum (which is poised to debut a new exhibit entitled "Superstition") gives the picture a slick and creepy vibe.  The cast (Penelope Ann Miller and Tom Sizemore are the stars, and the wonderful Linda Hunt makes the most of her role) is on point and the direction c/o Peter Hyams is equal parts ominous and exciting.  Stan Winston provided a stellar design for the monster and most of the effects are solid.  The Relic also benefits from holding off on showing us the beast that roams the halls of the museum until the closing reel, generating a lot of suspense on the way to the grand finale.  Unfortunately, the biggest failing from the effects team comes during the climax of the picture, . . . and that's a real bummer.  Honestly, if there were no book to compare this film to and the final confrontation with the fearsome creature that causes so much havoc along the way wasn't bungled, this would be classic horror fare.  As it is, it's well worth a watch in spite of its flaws, and viewers who dig horror should be able to sink their teeth into this one.  It's not the horror movie equivalent of a good steak, but a decent burger will do in a pinch.

Final Grade: C

Great sets are among the movie's many strengths.

Short Attention Span Review: Pumpkinhead (1988)

Pumpkinhead is a horror film that never really got its due.  I'm not sure that the property lends itself well to the notion of a series, so maybe it's not all that surprising that a pair of toothless sequels have probably hurt this curious monster movie's appeal.  Yet it has a fanbase; many genre aficionados treasure the fantastic creature effects c/o the legendary Stan Winston, who also directed the picture. Yes, Winston's direction wasn't quite on par with his effects wizardry, but that's not akin to saying that he mucked it up.  He did a good job as director and he was working with a nifty screenplay.  He was also given quite the assist in making a startling motion picture by his star, Lance Henriksen, who gives one of his best performances in Pumpkinhead.  Just in case there's someone reading this blog who isn't in the loop, let's tell it like it is: Lance Henriksen is awesome.  Saying that a movie features one of his best performances is a big deal coming from me.  I'm a huge fan of his work (I went to see Man's Best Friend on opening night and I quote Bishop almost as much as I quote Hicks or Hudson) and I truly appreciate the stellar job he did with this material.  I enjoy the gruesome story, but it is a bit predictable and the movie could have been rather forgettable in spite of the tremendous creature effects with a mundane performer at the wheel.  Lance elevates this one into a dark morality play that is frequently as dramatic as it is terrifying.  This fright flick is riveting from start to finish, and it doesn't waste a lot of time, packing a wealth of thrills and chills into a lean 86-minute runtime.  With Pumpkinhead, one of the best effects artists ever and one hell of an actor delivered a fierce creature feature with bite--and heart.

Final Grade: B

The effects are great, but Lance's performance is even better.

Short Attention Span Review: Prophecy (1979)

Billed as "The Monster Movie," Prophecy strives to be just that.  Alas, the effects don't quite live up to the hype, but this bold creature feature still manages to entertain.  This is largely due to the presence of several quality performers  and a terrific director.  Prophecy also boasts a nifty plot, so while the creature design is a bit of a disappointment, the movie itself is easy to recommend.  Besides, it's not the worst creature design ever, and there's enough fright and suspense in the mix to keep horror fans rooted to their chairs until the gruesome finale.  Now, director John Frankenheimer wasn't exactly at his peak here, but he still managed to generate a lot of intensity and dread with Prophecy.  There are also a few pertinent themes interwoven with the screaming and the bloodshed, to include ruminations on humanity's crimes against the environment and futility born of bureaucracy, but Frankenheimer doesn't let these elements get in the way of a good time.  The cast, including Talia Shire, Robert Foxworth, and Armand Assante, among others, make the most of the material.  Surprisingly enough, the three capable leads I just mentioned offer up some of their best work in a movie that requires them to square off against a dude in a rubber suit in the closing reel.  The score is perfect for a horror flick like this one and there's a lot of gore sprinkled throughout the proceedings.  True story: I have a crazy uncle (doesn't everyone?) who has dubbed Prophecy his favorite movie.  Now, I can't go nearly that far, but I do enjoy it and I'm certain that anyone else who responds to phrases like "creature feature" or "monster movie" the way that I do will have fun with this one as well.  Truthfully, if Katahdin (the beast of legend/freakish mutation that hunts our merry band of heroes) was a bit more convincing, this movie might have achieved epic status.

Final Grade: C+

Despite being a beast born of folklore, Katahdin is having a less than stellar day.