Short Attention Span Review: Frogs (1972)

Frogs is silly, but that probably doesn't need to be said.  It's a movie called Frogs, after all.  No one should expect high art from a film about killer amphibians.  Surprisingly, Ray Milland was available for this flick, and he's joined by actors like Sam Elliot and Adam Roarke in a campy spectacle that takes itself a bit too seriously to be as fun as it probably should have been.  It's still entertaining so long as you like cheese more than you like wine, but in spite of a ludicrous premise and some less-than-inspired writing, this isn't one of those "so bad it's good" laugh-riots that I frequently recommend.  No, it's kooky, but it's also a bit somber and some might even find Frogs to be rather dull.  I enjoyed it largely because I'm a sucker for stuff like this and I liked Sam Elliott's super-cool approach to playing the lead.  Milland might get top billing, but Sam's the hero.  He makes it look easy--dude is every bit as chill when he has to do battle with pissed off water moccasins as you or I would be while making a sandwich.  Though the title might lead you to expect an avalanche of frogs wreaking havoc, that's only a small slice of the pie.  Members of the cast also fall prey to spiders, snakes, lizards, turtles, and alligators along the way.  Apparently someone thought Frogs was a more inspiring title than Swamp Creatures on the Rampage.  The frogs do act as upper management while man suffers for his crimes against the environment and their ghastly croaking could easily be mistaken for the film's score.  Yes, it's another eco-friendly fright flick from the 70s (I love those!) as well as a man vs. nature throwdown (I love those too!), so the fact that I have a soft spot for this oddity should come as no surprise. 

Final Grade: C

Killer frogs?  Sam Elliott ain't go no time for that.

Short Attention Span Review: Bait (2012)

Bait is just your average "great white sharks terrorize shoppers at the grocery store" movie, and while that particular sub-genre is overpopulated, this one manages to stand out.  Okay, so just to be clear, I am kidding about there being more than one of these absurdities, but I'm not kidding about Bait being a movie about people being terrorized by great white sharks at the grocery store.  Despite this ludicrous premise and an opening that is 100% terrible, the movie somehow works.  First off, the opening is awful.  I'm still not quite sure why I didn't turn Bait off after that bullshit, but I'm glad I didn't.  The picture that follows is gleefully idiotic, but it is also ferociously entertaining.  And after that opening convinced me that the special effects would be inferior to the great white carnage I used to enjoy while playing Jaws on my NES as a child, the rest of the movie benefits from superior effects work.  {Clarification: the term "superior effects work" as used in the previous statement applies to the effects seen in the opening reel of Bait as opposed to special effects in general.}  So, how did the sharks wind up in the grocery store?  See, the store was flooded during a tsunami, and as is so often the case when tsunamis occur, a pair of large great whites wind up trapped in the flooded supermarket.  Now, in addition to the presence of a pair of bloodthirsty sharks, there are number of interesting characters involved in various situations that could yield entire movies of their own stuck in the flooded store.  Among them are a brokenhearted dude and his former flame (I shit you not, their romance fell apart after he failed to save her brother from a shark attack in that totally inept opening scene), a sympathetic robber and his sadistic accomplice, a cop summoned to arrest a shoplifter who just so happens to be his daughter, and so on and so forth.  Truthfully, Bait should sink like a stone under the weight of the absurd premise and all the ridiculous contrivances that spring up throughout its 93 minute running time.  Yet it somehow gets the job done.  It's fun to watch and you will actually wind up liking some of these ridiculous characters and pulling for them as they struggle to survive in these ridiculous circumstances.  Julian McMahon (a guy who should have become a legitimate star and instead pulled hard time on Charmed and received third billing in Bait) does a great job as the sympathetic robber and deserves a lot of the credit for grounding this ludicrous yarn.  Kimble Rendall deserves some praise for holding this thing together as a director, and given how it turned out, I'm almost willing to pardon him for that opening.  Russell Mulcahy, the guy who gave us Highlander and Razorback (What? I like Razorback) helped out with the script.  I'm feeling generous, so I'll even point out that the effects team that totally shit the bed in the first ten minutes of the movie held it down when it mattered most.  In the end, I'm not sure how it happened, but in this silly movie with a woeful beginning wound up being an entertaining ride that I'm going to recommend.  I might even give it a "B." 

Final Grade: B-

It's hard to determine if it's the realism or the subtlety that make Bait so entertaining.

Short Attention Span Review: Swamp Thing (1982)

Comic book movies are all the rage in 2015, but there was a time when fanboys like me didn't have a whole lot to cherish so far as film and television are concerned.  However, one such motion picture from my childhood that I remain particularly fond of is Wes Craven's Swamp Thing.  Yes, Swampy doesn't look all that hot (and he's a special effects extravaganza compared to the nefarious nemesis who challenges him in the closing reel), but the movie still works in spite of a lousy rubber suit.  The locations are gorgeous--forgive me, but I've got a serious jones for swamps.  The score is nifty, Craven's direction is solid and pays homage to comics several times throughout, and the plot is engaging and lean.  The cast is really good, with the late Louis Jourdan shining as the demented Arcane while Adrienne Barbeau does a lovely job as Alice Cable.  Would you believe that Cable serves as the Swamp Thing's love interest?  It's kooky but true.  David Hess does a nice job as a vicious henchman, and though the picture isn't overly faithful to the comic book property that spawned it, it's close enough to please fans of the title.  The special effects are surely a bit lackluster (and that's probably a bit of an understatement) and Craven certainly didn't go out of his way to hide these shortcomings, but I enjoy the picture nonetheless.  I think that anyone who likes the comic book character will embrace this Swamp Thing, and those who could care less about Swampy but dig fun movies from the early 80s will also be entertained.  Additionally, I should note that while the 1989 sequel The Return of Swamp Thing boasted vastly superior effects work, it wasn't nearly as entertaining.  True story: sometimes the prettiest girl at the dance isn't the best dancer.

Wow.  There had to be a better close to a Swamp Thing review than that, but the hell with it.  Craven didn't shy away from a lousy rubber suit.  Why should I shy away from a lousy finish?

Final Grade: C

Finding a good shot of this particular Swamp Thing costume is like trying
to get a good look at the Bigfoot creature, but this one isn't too bad.

Ranking the Friday the 13th Films

For me, this means any film featuring my man Jason Voorhees.  I'm a lifelong fan of the horror genre, and the Friday the 13th series is one of my personal favorites.  I've always had a soft spot for these gems, maybe because I grew up in the sticks and camping has always been something that I enjoy.  I definitely think Jason is better than Freddy, and though I may ultimately favor the Phantasm series, sample size is definitely a win for the Friday the 13th camp.  Anyway, here's how I would rank the movies:

1) Freddy vs. Jason (2003) - In my humble opinion, it's easily the most entertaining entry for either of these beloved franchises.  Seeing Jason play the hero in the closing reel is pretty epic as well, and that throwdown rocks!

2) Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) - Brutal stuff.  It opens with the lead from the first one biting the dust and never lets up.  It's short, scary, and one of my favorite slasher films from the '80s--the decade of the slasher flick.

3) Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) - Some think this is a cheesy affair, and maybe they're right, but it's also kooky and creepy.  I dig it. 

4) Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982) - This one is definitely cheesy, but it's also a solid entry that I really enjoy.  Love the disco version of the theme song!!!!

5) Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) - Cheesy again, but also damn entertaining.  Thom Mathews from Return of the Living Dead shines as the hero, and this probably has the best opening scene in the series.  I'm also a big fan of the conclusion.

6) Jason X (2001) - Sorry, I love it.  Great kills, cool story, utterly ridiculous.  Sounds like a good time, right?

7) Friday the 13th (1980) - I have to give the original some love.  This is where it all began, and it's one of the most sincere and unique efforts in the series.

8) Jason Goes to Hell (1993) - This one is a lot of fun and it has some nice effects.  Some of my friends might put it at the top of their list.

9) Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) - I should probably rank this one a bit higher; it is a really good entry, and I'm very fond of it.  These lists are never easy to put together because of choices like this.

10) Friday the 13th (2009 - reboot) - I actually like it, but it doesn't quite fit and it obviously didn't rejuvenate the franchise like they had hoped.  Dude throwing down with Jason at the end doesn't quite work for me either, and the archery shit is dumb.  That aside, there are some solid kills, and the prick ranks among the best pricks in the series.  That has to count for something, right?  The opening is intense as hell, but it stumbles a lot after that.

11) Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) - It's hard for me to include this one.  It's not that good, and it doesn't feel like it belongs at all.  Truthfully, I like it much more now than I did then, but I still don't like it. 

12) Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) - Pure shit.  Maybe the worst ending of any horror film in the history of horror films.  Jason should have killed the writer and the director instead.