Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

Short Attention Span Review - Jungle Heat a.k.a. Dance of the Dwarfs (1983)

This is one of the first movies that I ever saw, and it may be the first horror movie that I watched.  That honor belongs to either this cheap horror/thriller hybrid or The Boogens.  Recently, I snagged a copy of Jungle Heat on VHS and revisited it.  Despite some pronounced shortcomings that it can't quite overcome (namely, the budget--or lack thereof), Jungle Heat does enough well to deserve a little more love from the horror community.  For starters, I found Peter Fonda to be on point, and the fact that his flawed hero is both a struggling alcoholic and a real dick made the character more intriguing.  As a general rule, you don't want your leading man to be an asshole, but hey, if you go that route, at least you're doing something different.  Deborah Raffin is way too good for the picture, and does a fine job of stumbling into jeopardy and putting up with Fonda's shit.  Which is somewhat understandable, since his role requires him to rescue her whenever he isn't getting drunk or being a dickhead.  The mood is a definite win; Jungle Heat has a wonky vibe that slowly descends into serious dread during a bleak closing reel that feels more 70s than 80s.  The sound design also warrants praise--when we finally get to the creature element of this low rent creature feature, the little boogers may look lame as fuck, but they sound terrifying.  Those roars are seriously gnarly, and an otherwise mundane score ramps up as everything goes bad in that grim finale.  Of course, the script is uneven, the direction is lackluster, and the budget is a genuine embarrassment, so Jungle Heat often runs cold.  Still,  while it's frequently regarded as abysmal by those who remember it at all, I rate it passable at worst and pretty damn dope in brief splashes of creepy mayhem.

Final Grade: C

Peter Fonda is a total dick in this cheap horror flick that I may be somewhat biased toward--it was one of the first movies I recall seeing.

To revisit this childhood fave, I had to seek out a copy on VHS.  Kicking it old school, peeps.

Short Attention Span Review - The Seven-Ups (1973)

Short Attention Span Review - The Seven-Ups (1973)

As a Jaws fanatic, it should come as no surprise that I'm a big fan of Roy Scheider, and the dude just positively killed it in the 70s.  Jaws is my favorite movie, Sorcerer is a scorcher, All That Jazz is sensational, and in addition to lead roles in those winners, Scheider co-starred in notable pictures like Marathon Man and The French Connection.  While The Seven-Ups isn't on par with those films, it is a capable thriller with a nifty plot and enough white-knuckle thrills to warrant a viewing.  Scheider is rock solid in the lead role, and this cops and robbers yarn moves at a brisk pace.  The biggest takeaway here, though, is a marvelous car chase.  I don't think I've ever seen this movie discussed when great car chases in cinema are debated, and it belongs in that conversation.  While it is a bit basic in many ways and doesn't approach greatness, The Seven-Ups is a solid venture that delivers a potent mix of thrills and intrigue.  Bonus points awarded for Richard Lynch's work as one of the primary villains and the ominous score from Don Ellis, whose efforts here would likely be more at home in a chiller.  I thought that dark score worked well here, ramping up the tension and underscoring the carnage.  In summary, while The Seven-Ups doesn't stack up to Roy's biggest features produced in the same decade, it is perfectly serviceable--it's a gritty thriller with a fine lead, enough suspense to keep the viewer invested, and one extra gnarly car chase.  Buckle up.

Final Grade: B+

I gave this one a B+ and not just a B because of that riveting car chase.

Short Attention Span Review - Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974)

Short Attention Span Review - Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974)

I may have mentioned before that I'm a big fan of the film sub-genre I refer to as "Movies on Wheels," and if so, I surely mentioned that while I still like pictures in this vein, older flicks like Vanishing Point, White Line Fever, and this 1974 surprise hit rule the roost.  Why?  Well, because back in the good old days, there was no CGI to thank for such white-knuckle escapades.  Nope, there were real stunt drivers crashing real cars, and the cheap thrills born of that authenticity is impossible to duplicate with even the best modern effects that Hollywood has to offer.  However, there's much more to Dirty Mary Crazy Larry than the vehicular exploits, to include a great cast, a flamboyant but gritty script, and masterful direction from John Hough.  There's also a darkness at the heart of this rip-roaring jaunt down the asphalt that gives it some serious punch.  Yes, it's an entertaining film, and Peter Fonda simply oozes cool as the hotshot driver at the center of the piece, but he's also a real dick.  The movie succeeds because of Fonda's charisma and the character's nerve and skill behind the wheel.  Ultimately, however, all of the players suffer because this captivating figure is more than a little unhinged, and he steers everyone around him down a dangerous path.  The wicked ending that still gives viewers jolts doesn't come off as a cheap trick because it is totally warranted even if it does come out of nowhere.  Crazy Larry himself was practically begging for such a conclusion from the second he put his foot on the gas.  Fonda is joined by Adam Roarke, Susan George, and Vic Morrow, with an uncredited Roddy McDowall aiding the proceedings as well.  All save McDowall play intriguing but flawed parts, and while their story is entertaining as hell, the film's true impact stems from the fact that these are lost souls on destructive paths, and not the nobler and ultimately courageous types that most films concern themselves with.  No, these are bad people racing down tricky roads; some are addicted to adrenaline, some are just desperate for a score, and some wield a badge but truly serve their own need for authority.  Even those who are simply along for the ride can't claim innocence, and Dirty Mary Crazy Larry keeps us on the edge of our seats for 90 minutes and then gives all of the characters just what they deserve.  The stunt work is among the best you'll ever see, the lines* are zingers, and Hough did something daring and ultimately quite remarkable with this unlikely thriller that defies expectations at every turn.

*Exhibit A:

Larry:  Yeah, yeah.  So we got off to a bad start.  Well, ya know what it means when somebody like me gets off to a bad start?  Not a goddamn thing.

Exhibit B:

Larry:  You know what a man would do right now if he were smart?

Deke: What?

Larry:  I don't know.

The car stuff is among the best you'll ever see, but it's the grim vibe and the director's prowess that make Dirty Mary Crazy Larry so memorable.

Final Grade: A

Short Attention Span Review: The House by the Cemetery (1981)

Short Attention Span Review: House by the Cemetery (1981)

While commonly regarded as one of Italian gore maestro Lucio Fulci's best efforts, House by the Cemetery is likely his most-maligned fan favorite.  This criticism isn't unwarranted, as in many ways the picture is a bit of a mess.  The English dub is an abomination, mostly due to the horrible job they did with young Bob's dialogue, which is truly wretched.  Also, either the picture lost a lot in terms of editing and that sub-par dub, or the script was a mess.  The film is littered with plot holes and boasts some of the most questionable character logic you'll ever see.  This may work in its favor, however, as House by the Cemetery functions largely as a surreal nightmare.  It is also so derivative that it becomes its own unique absurdity, if such a thing is possible, riffing on a gruesome host of beloved horror tropes.  These elements include everything from haunted houses, mad scientists, ghouls, spooky kids, ghastly premonitions, housewives going mad, driven dads who may just be lunatics, to good old-fashioned slasher flicks.  On the positive side of the coin, the cinematography is astounding, the score is mesmerizing, and Fulci brings his trademark gory gloom and doom to a full boil.  He really finds his stride in the last reel, which is utterly horrific, and the director's undying love for downer endings gives this climax some added impact.  Reasonable viewers may well find themselves talking to the screen as things spiral out of control in that final reel.  I watched this one last night, and I said "Nope" a great many times and offered up some iteration of "Don't go in the basement!" at least a dozen times or more.  Unlike The Beyond, Zombi, or City of the Living Dead, Fulci doesn't quite nail the parting shot, which I'm not quite sure I can make heads or tails of.  The verdict is clear, however; House by the Cemetery falls well short of Lucio Fulci's best output, but probably warrants a spot in his Top 5.  It is more than a little problematic, but the creepy factor is high, and the final act is relentless and terrifying in equal measures.

Final Grade: B-

It's a bit of a mess, but it still works, and the scares come fast and furious as House by the Cemetery  nears its grim conclusion.

Short Attention Span Review: The Last Wave (1977)

Short Attention Span Review: The Last Wave (1977)

A pragmatic lawyer suffering from strange dreams and eerie visions takes on a case involving aborigines and tribal murder.  Slowly but surely, he starts to believe that his dreams and visions may hint at an impending apocalypse.  Is he losing his mind or has he stumbled upon some horrible truth?  Richard Chamberlain stars in this deliberate but troubling venture from noted director Peter Weir.  Grounded and populated by believable characters and sound performances, The Last Wave also sports a spooky score and several gripping sequences wherein these dreams and visions intertwine with the main character's unfortunate reality.  One of this picutre's greatest strengths is its fierce independence, and yet this may also be a shortcoming.  While I applaud anything unique and difficult to classify, it's hard to succeed in the absence of an audience.  The Last Wave is a rich and intriguing film, but I'm not quite sure who it is designed for.  Horror fans will yearn for a bit more carnage, while drama fans are going to be bothered by the supernatural element and the occasional forays into demented imagery.  Having said that, the macabre aspects of the feature do benefit from the restraint and the subtlety on display, giving them greater significance and making the ultimate fate of the protagonist resonate with the viewer.  While it is slow at times and uneven at others, The Last Wave is also curious and compelling, and it surely benefits from Weir's potent artistry and Chamberlain's undeniable charisma.  If you're lookie for a subdued movie that bridges the gap between your favorite courtroom drama and The Twilight Zone, look no further.

Final Grade: B-

Ominous and captivating, The Last Wave is an unusual affair that is both measured and surprisingly unsettling.

Short Attention Span Review: Tourist Trap (1979)

Short Attention Span Review: Tourist Trap (1979)

This is one of those older horror films with a woefully misleading PG rating.  Seriously, I have no idea what the MPAA was thinking.  It isn't all that gory, true, but it is bloody, and the movie is very dark and very intense, with at least one deeply traumatizing death scene.  It is also sadistic and incredibly creepy, and anyone who is bothered by mannequins should steer clear of this ghoulish sleeper from 1979.  The premise is kooky and there are a few flaws in the execution, but it is easy to forgive any shortcomings in light of the dreadful atmosphere and the eerie tone of Tourist Trap.  Chuck Connors did a fine job anchoring the piece, and he got a big assist from a young cast of unknowns that included the gorgeous Tanya Roberts and established Jocelyn Jones as a legitimate talent.  The direction from David Schmoeller and the effects work serve as the backbone of the ghastly affair, and the picture gets a boost from the malicious tone that keeps the viewer riveted for the duration of the show.  This is more in the vein of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre than a slasher flick, but the supernatural element really sets it apart.  All things considered, Tourist Trap is wildly unique and decidedly grim, and it is a shame that it doesn't enjoy the fanfare it rightfully deserves.  While it has a modest cult following, it is quite the low-budget powerhouse, generating big scares and growing stranger and more frightful with every minute that passes.  An unnerving script, fine direction, some quality performances, and a nerve-jangling descent into terror?  You know this one is a hit in my book.

Final Grade: B

Tourist Trap is a real oddity, and it is creepy as hell.  People who are unnerved by mannequins will be scarred for life after a single viewing.

Short Attention Span Review: Count Yorga, Vampire (1970)

Short Attention Span Review:  Count Yorga, Vampire (1970)

Count Yorga, Vampire is an underrated vampire flick from 1970 that succeeds for the same reasons that it isn't more noteworthy.  It is a bit of a medley, and while this makes it unique for a sub-genre where there is most definitely a mold, it also means that it is a bit too loose in some respects.  First off, you have Count Yorga as played by Robert Quarry, who is a typical suave vamp with a royal demeanor until it's time to feed.  Then he becomes quite a beast, and Quarry does a fine job of embodying both aspects of this fanged fiend.  Then you have the setting, which is very, very 70s, with an emphasis on loose cats looking for a good time and spreading the love.  Finally, you have the tone of the picture, which often veers toward the sort of raw footage approach that would make Tobe Hooper's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre feel so real a mere four years later.  While it doesn't reach that level of terror, the yield is also positive here, and at times Count Yorga, Vampire feels less like a Dracula clone and more like a gritty slasher flick, with the sort of intensity and bloodlust that makes such fare so vivid.  Finally, you have an emphasis on the sensual side of vampire folklore, though it never feels like softcore and again veers toward slasher flick territory.  While these various pieces may feel like a bizarre combo, I think that Count Yorga, Vampire works more often than not in spite of some serious flaws in character logic and some acting and cinematography that is, well, less than stellar.  In my opinion, it is still worth watching for Quarry's performance alone, and those seeking a vampire story that has some of that classic feel while also presenting the folklore with a primal side and a bit of a mean streak won't find many better options.  Finally, while it is telegraphed, the ending has some serious bite, and definitely stands as a fine example of the darkness and the sense of despair that so often defined 70s cinema.

Final Grade:  C+

For my money, Robert Quarry's work as Count Yorga ranks right up there with the likes of Christopher Lee, Chris Sarandon, and even Bela Lugosi--though Gary Oldman will always be king of this particular mountain.

Short Attention Span Review: The Car (1977)

Short Attention Span Review: The Car (1977)

The Car is a surreal horror film with a simple pitch that seemed destined to fail.  Honestly, I'm not sure how they got the picture financed.  It's basically Jaws in the desert with a mysterious black car filling in for a great white shark.  Where did it come from?  No one knows.  Is anyone behind the wheel?  No one knows.  Why is it preying on the unfortunate residents of the dull and dusty town of Santa Ynez?  You guessed it: no one knows.  Can this malevolent menace on four wheels be stopped?  James Brolin intends to find out.  Brolin was always a serviceable leading man, and I think The Car is one of his better efforts.  His grounded take on the determined sheriff in the eye of the storm is pivotal given the ridiculous nature of the picture.  He's not alone in this regard, as the cast as whole performs admirably, with Kathleen Lloyd deserving special praise while Ronny Cox also shines in a rare sympathetic role.  The effects are also worthwhile, and as it becomes clear the titular automobile is a supernatural vessel of death and destruction, The Car produces several stirring setpieces.  It's impressive how exciting and even how frightening portions of this picture are.  While I simply cannot fathom a vehicle constructed from these parts arriving on the scene as anything resembling a masterpiece, I must applaud director Elliot Silverstein and everyone involved for getting this weird horror flock to run as well as it does.  Masterpiece?  Surely not.  Cult classic?  Yes, it is certainly worthy of that status, and whether you enjoy it as much as I did or not, you'll likely be impressed with how well this unconventional premise is brought to life.

Final Grade: B+

Seldom has a single image done such a fine job of summarizing a motion picture.  This is The Car in a nutshell.

Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)

Short Attention Span Review: Electra Glide in Blue (1973)

I watched a rather unique film this weekend, and I'm pretty sure that it was an American classic.  I had never heard of it before happening upon it by chance, and I'm not sure what drew me to it in the first place.  Maybe it was that groovy title, Electra Glide in Blue.  From the onset, two things were readily apparent: the craftmanship was sublime, and the subject matter was deep and open to interpretation.  A captivating character study and a meditation on so many different things, to include ideals as opposed to reality, isolation, civic duty, machismo, and even the merits of peace in a violent world, ten different viewers would likely draw ten different conclusions from the picture.  The cinematography was nothing short of superb, and while I greatly enjoyed the cast (in particular, star Robert Blake fully committed to the lead role and offered up a bravura performance as a result), the way the shots were framed and the powerful combination of riveting close-ups and compelling wide shots may have been the picture's greatest strengths.  It was impossible to look away no matter how bleak the movie became, though there were flourishes of humor and excitement sprinkled throughout.  The ending served as the perfect punctuation for a quizzical and startling film that worked for me on a great many levels.  As with any movie of this ilk, I do think it would prove divisive for most.  While I found it incredibly satisfying and worthy of repeated viewings, many would likely view it as too broad and ambiguous--or take offense at some of the conclusions they draw from it.  Of course, I tend to think that a film that can provoke such reactions is often a rich find, and I am certainly glad that I took a little ride with Electra Glide in Blue.

Final Grade: A

Electra Glide in Blue deserves another look, and the juxtaposition of civility and brutality is as relevant now as ever.

 

Short Attention Span Review: Knightriders (1981)

Short Attention Span Review: Knightriders (1981)

As a teen, I didn't know quite what to make of George Romero's Knightriders, a fascinating character study that stands as perhaps his most quixotic production.  That's saying something, for while he will always be best known for his gory shockers and his role as the man who put zombies on the map in a big way, he produced a few headscratchers (to include pictures like Martin and Season of the Witch) along the way.  I wanted more of the jousting atop roaring motorcycles and the daredevil flair that Tom Savini brought to the picture as Morgan.  I didn't quite get Billy as portrayed by Ed Harris, the king of the medieval troupe that has traded horses for motorcycles that Knightriders focuses on.  Billy isn't interested in stardom or money, and his devotion to a peculiar but noble set of ethics may even trump his concern for those who look to him for leadership.  In my youth, he seemed to be a bit of a lunatic whose zeal clearly surpassed his logic or compassion, and I may have yearned to see him dethroned--I note this despite the fact that the valiant yet suitably heartbreaking conclusion to the piece didn't sit well with me at the time.  Upon further review, I still enjoy Savini's quality performance and Morgan's perfectly reasonable yearning for gratification and publicity.  Yet Billy's inspired devotion and refusal to compromise in a world that grinds such valiance into dust now strikes me as a far more worthy centerpiece for the tale, and Ed Harris certainly nailed his first true leading role with the sort of magnificence that is worthy of a king.  I also found that ending to be absolutely perfect, and eerily reminiscent of the equally fitting climax that brought Vanishing Point to an end a decade before this film's release.  Lest I slight everyone else involved, there is little to complain about so far as the technical aspects and supporting cast are concerned.  Knightriders is far from a lavish production, but the cast is game, the stunts are lively, and the one and only George Romero does an exceptional job of bringing this unconventional saga to life in riveting fashion.


Final Grade: B

Savini is surprisingly good in one of his biggest parts, but Ed Harris shines, putting his formidable talent on full display long before he would become a legitimate star.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #14) Phantasm (1979)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)
#18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)
#17) Alien (1979) 
#16) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
#15) Suspiria (1977) 

Yes, Suspiria was a strange one, but this next one may be even stranger.  We're sticking with the late 70s theme we've got going, and the time has come to throw down with sinister dwarfs and a ghastly mortician armed with deadly spheres that suck people's brains out.  That's right, peeps, it's time we got our Phantasm on.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #14) Phantasm (1979)

Phantasm isn't just one of the strangest horror films out there, it's also one of the coolest.  How often do you get to see a movie where a gutsy ice cream man who plays a mean guitar goes toe to toe with a terrifying mortician from another dimension?  Delightful, right?  Our main characters are an exuberant teenage boy whose brother may or may not be dead, said brother/ghost/I'm-not-sure-what, and Reggie the ice cream vendor, one of the horror genre's most beloved heroes.  While Reggie Bannister absolutely kills it as Reggie (all of the leads in this flick have the same first name as their character), Angus Scrimm dominates the proceedings as the villainous mortician, known simply as "The Tall Man."  Scrimm's work here is so unique and so totally on point that he grounds this delirious flick and keeps audiences riveted throughout all the strange twists and turns that Phantasm takes on the way to a wonderfully bizarre conclusion.  The effects are solid, the score is epic, I treasure the performances, and the script and the direction c/o Don Coscarelli are extremely exciting and expertly realized.   This movie has everything going for it, and it delivers the goods--Phantasm is an awesome blend of scares, chuckles, and crazy shit.  That gonzo finale gives way to one last big scare, cementing Phantasm's status as an iconic horror film that has inspired several sequels aimed to please a rabid fanbase that is still clamoring for more.  I have been a big fan of this film (and Coscarelli's output in general) for most of my life, and I can't imagine putting together a list like this without including Phantasm.

Wildly inventive and incredibly entertaining, Phantasm is a groovy cult classic like no other.

Short Attention Span Review - Five Shaolin Masters (1974)

A simplified version of the story for Five Shaolin Masters would read something like this: Five righteous dudes get their asses whipped by five heinous dudes.  The five righteous dudes go train together, developing their skills and formulating plans for the upcoming rematches.  At the end, all that hard work and training really pays off as the five righteous dudes kick the shit out of the five heinous dudes.  That's about the sum of it, yet with a film like this, it doesn't really matter.  It's the delivery that counts, and kung fu flick maestro Chang Cheh is calling the shots.  No director was better suited to helm one of these pictures, and no one was better suited to produce the movie than the Shaw Brothers.  This is another colorful epic that surely ranks among their best offerings.  It's not quite on the same level as the studio's crown jewel, The Five Deadly Venoms (also directed by Chang Cheh), but one could certainly make a great argument for putting Five Shaolin Masters next on the list.  This is one of the few Cheh Chang films that isn't highlighted by stars from the fabled Venom Mob, but the cast is legit.  My main man David Chiang is on point, and his Blood Brothers co-star Lung Ti also does a tremendous job.  There are several extremely effective fight scenes and there is some top-notch weapons choreography on display.  The action is great, the characters are bold, and the end result is an entertaining kung fu romp that concludes with a monumental showdown.

Final Grade: A

These five righteous dudes bond over a series of good beatings and come
together to train as they prepare to turn the tables on five heinous dudes.

Short Attention Span Review: Frogs (1972)

Frogs is silly, but that probably doesn't need to be said.  It's a movie called Frogs, after all.  No one should expect high art from a film about killer amphibians.  Surprisingly, Ray Milland was available for this flick, and he's joined by actors like Sam Elliot and Adam Roarke in a campy spectacle that takes itself a bit too seriously to be as fun as it probably should have been.  It's still entertaining so long as you like cheese more than you like wine, but in spite of a ludicrous premise and some less-than-inspired writing, this isn't one of those "so bad it's good" laugh-riots that I frequently recommend.  No, it's kooky, but it's also a bit somber and some might even find Frogs to be rather dull.  I enjoyed it largely because I'm a sucker for stuff like this and I liked Sam Elliott's super-cool approach to playing the lead.  Milland might get top billing, but Sam's the hero.  He makes it look easy--dude is every bit as chill when he has to do battle with pissed off water moccasins as you or I would be while making a sandwich.  Though the title might lead you to expect an avalanche of frogs wreaking havoc, that's only a small slice of the pie.  Members of the cast also fall prey to spiders, snakes, lizards, turtles, and alligators along the way.  Apparently someone thought Frogs was a more inspiring title than Swamp Creatures on the Rampage.  The frogs do act as upper management while man suffers for his crimes against the environment and their ghastly croaking could easily be mistaken for the film's score.  Yes, it's another eco-friendly fright flick from the 70s (I love those!) as well as a man vs. nature throwdown (I love those too!), so the fact that I have a soft spot for this oddity should come as no surprise. 

Final Grade: C

Killer frogs?  Sam Elliott ain't go no time for that.

Short Attention Span Review: White Line Fever (1975)

 

I'm a big fan of a sub-genre that I lovingly refer to as "movies on wheels" even though I'm not as keen on the modern fare.  It's not that I want to endanger stunt drivers, but CGI shenanigans are no much for legitimate vehicular carnage.  Regardless, there are some wonderful pictures from the 60s and 70s which feature determined heroes waging war behind the wheel.  White Line Fever scores a bit of a 70s trifecta as it deftly interweaves a movie on wheels with a trucker flick and a vigilante yarn.  Individually, these themes were very popular at the drive-in, and they mix well in this fast-paced action flick starring Jan-Michael Vincent as Carrol Jo Hummer--which is surely either the best or worst name anyone could dream up for a heroic trucker.  I always thought JMV was a worthy performer and this might have been his best role.  His rig, the "Blue Mule" is also deserving of props, and Kay Lenz was a perfect fit for the part of the blushing bride--or something like that.  Slim Pickens, R. G. Armstrong, and Dick Miller join Martin Kove in rounding out the cast, which is a fine assembly of actors and actresses.  The score is a sound example of the honky-tonk boogie that fueled pictures like White Line Fever and the script is easy to fall for despite its contrived nature.  The Arizona scenery is fantastic to behold and the various car chases, shootouts, and fisticuffs that drive the film are executed well.  There's also a potent dose of drama in the mix, and anyone who likes a story about a determined individual sticking it to the man will enjoy Carrol Jo Hummer's tale as much as I do.  It's not perfect and it may not be easy to find, but I think White Line Fever is one of the finest movies on wheels to race across the silver screen.

Final Grade: B+

Carrol Jo shows us the proper way to handle being pulled over by the police.

Cult Classics from Dimension X: Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

I could try, but I'm sure that I couldn't adequately explain why William Shatner's schtick is a such a key attribute of this film's success.  It doesn't make sense.  No one casts their male lead hoping for a wooden performance, a total lack of chemistry with the female lead, and several sequences that generate unintentional laughs.  Yet that's what director John "Bud" Cardos got from the Shat here, and for whatever reason, it only serves to elevate the picture.  This is the epitome of a cult classic, an unheralded gem that shouldn't have worked--and didn't work in many ways--yet somehow found an audience that could appreciate it for what it was.  Somehow, someway, this low-budget "spiders on the rampage" opus wound up being tremendously entertaining in spite of its flaws, of which there are many.  Honestly, some of those flaws, to include the Shat (who masterfully partners his inherent charm with an uneven performance) work to the movie's advantage.

It's also worth noting that Kingdom of the Spiders is one of those rare cheesy movies that has you laughing hysterically until the closing reel, when the picture suddenly starts to work.  In fact, it's the tension and the the fear that the finale provides that cements this one's cult classic status.  Without a powerful conclusion, it would be something akin to a mockery of the genre, but the nifty ending saves the day.  Of course, this is a 70s flick, and the 70s were all about downbeat finishes, so don't actually expect the Shat to save the day.  It's just a rousing finish that punctuates a sub-par motion picture, elevating it to something that vaguely resembles greatness.

Tiffany Bolling (Diane Ashley) pretends not to notice that the hat is wearing the Shat
while Woody Strode (Walter Colby) and Altovise Davis (Birch Colby) look on.

No, Birch--that's a terrible idea!

Most of the drama in this spider-filled shocker comes courtesy of the incredible Woody Strode and Altovise Davis as Walter Colby and his wife, Birch Colby.  Seriously, an alternate title for this film could have been The Woeful Saga of the Colby Farm, for theirs is a tale of misery.  You see, the spiders that menace our heroes make their presence known by munching on Walt's prize calf, who was destined to win a big prize at the upcoming fair.  It's a crushing blow, but Walter soldiers on so that he can later be eaten by spiders while driving around in his trusty pickup.  Poor Birch is understandably distraught, and is only beginning to grieve when she is devoured by spiders within her home. 

It's up to Shatner as country vet Rack Hansen and Tiffany Bolling as a lovely expert on spiders named Diane Ashley to save the day.  Their efforts are complicated by Rack's hilarious attempts to seduce his lovely sidekick.  The meddling mayor also presents problems along the way.  No, Rack's predatory attempts at seduction aren't supposed to be comical.  Yes, there's a meddling mayor.  Most of these "Man vs. Nature" flicks aspire to be Jaws, and as such there is usually a clueless and greedy authority figure who seeks to endanger everyone he is supposed to serve.  Roy Engel absolutely slays me as Mayor Connors, a ludicrous caricature who doesn't have time for killer spiders and the death of his constituents because he is too worried about the fair.  His lines are bad enough, but his delivery is so phenomenally awful that his small part in Kingdom of the Spiders quickly becomes comedic gold.

You haven't seen acting until you've seen the Shat grieve.

The only thing better than the mayor's antics and Shatner's awe-inspiring lack of chemistry with Bolling are the scenes that require the Shat to emote.  Rack Hansen is a man who is presented with a wealth of conflict and heartache, so Shatner is thereby required to grieve, rage, and dig deep so that he can keep on fighting the good fight.  Truthfully, though I love the Shat and greatly enjoy his presence in this picture, he's a lot better at that spoken-word music that he does.  If you can watch the first 60 minutes of Kingdom of the Spiders without laughing, I don't want to know you.  Movies that are so bad that they're good don't come any worse (and thereby better) than this one, and it's a laugh-riot all the way up until that riveting conclusion when the picture mysteriously finds its groove. 

The score is largely assembled from stock music and the editing is a bit clunky, but director John Cardos manages to string viewers along until the handful of characters that remain gather for their last stand in that worthwhile finish.  If it sounds like I'm totally bashing this movie, I promise that isn't the case.  I love it.  It's terrible in so many ways, but it's damn entertaining, and I do think that the ending kicks ass.  Additionally, I should point out that people who are deathly afraid of spiders may not find it quite as hilarious as I do, and some seem to think it's a fine film.  Hell, the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror Films nominated it for their Best Horror Film award in 1977, though it lost to The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane.  I can't call it one of the best horror films that I've ever seen, but I'm certainly more than willing to rank Kingdom of the Spiders as one of my favorite Cult Classics from Dimension X.

Best Horror Film?  I think not.
This dude's screams, though--if there was an award for
Best Screaming Performance, he would have taken that bad boy home.

Trivia

There is no way this film would be made today.  The making of Kingdom of the Spiders was essentially a tarantula holocaust.  Real tarantulas were used throughout the making of the film, and this means that a multitude of them were trampled underfoot, run over by vehicles, and otherwise squashed during production.

$50,000 of the film's budget (a big slice of the pie, to be sure) went to the purchase of live tarantulas.

As a player for the Los Angeles Rams, actor Woody Strode was one of the first athletes to break the color barrier in the NFL.

Rumors of a sequel have popped up on several occasions.  There were even reports in the late 80s that not only would Shatner return as the lead, but he was also going to direct the picture.

Marcy Lafferty plays Willam Shatner's sister-in-law in the movie.  When Kingdom of the Spiders was filmed, Shatner and Lafferty were actually husband and wife.

Though there were rubber spiders in the mix, the actors frequently interacted with live tarantulas.  Cast and crew members reported being bit by these arachnids on several occasions.  As you watch the movie, there certainly seem to be moments where performers pretending to be attacked by the spiders suffer a legitimate bite.

Short Attention Span Review: The Legacy (1978)

Katherine Ross and Sam Elliot headline this kooky fright flick as an American couple who have made a name for themselves as architects.  They accept a job that takes them to England, and shortly thereafter they embark on a joy ride through the country on Sam's motorcycle.  They are involved in a minor accident where the only casualty is the motorcycle.  The passenger in the other vehicle is a curious fellow who introduces himself as Jason Mountolive.    He invites them back to his mansion for tea and pledges to have the motorcycle fixed, but as you may have guessed, this is where the strange goings-on begin.  Other guests arrive at Mountolive's impressive home and this unique gathering is equally notable--it seems that some of the most powerful people in the world have journeyed here for a strange reunion of sorts.  Wait, just where did that curious Mountolive fellow go?  And what's up with that bizarre figure in that strange chamber that looks like something out of a hospital ward?  Also: the creepy cat and the creepier nurse--what are they up to?  Is that Roger Daltrey playing a rock star?  How do Ross and Elliot fit into the strange saga that is unfolding at this remote estate?  How long before these strange people and their cryptic behavior piss Sam Elliot off?  The Legacy is certainly an odd picture, and it succeeds at raising a lot of interesting questions.  Unfortunately, it is isn't as good at presenting compelling answers to those questions.  There is a sinister vibe that keeps the viewer on edge and the talent involved does a great job of bringing these intriguing characters to life.  Unfortunately, the kills are rather lackluster, most of the effects work is pretty weak, and the ending is a bit muddled.  Thus, a picture with a solid premise and the necessary players to produce a real winner emerges as a pedestrian horror film that does manage to create an ominous mood and deliver a  few decent scares.

Final Grade: C

Sam Elliot gets wounded (and pissed off) in The Legacy

Top 10 Bizarre Horror Movies from the 70s for Toptenz.net

So, I found this really awesome site that specializes in cool lists, Toptenz.net.  You guys know that I dig lists, so it should come as no surprise that I felt the need to contribute.  With that in mind, do yourself a favor and scope out the 10 Bizarre Horror Movies from the 70s piece that I put together for them.  I would absolutely love it if you could check the story out, share your thoughts, and spread the word.  I had a blast with this one and I would love to contribute additional lists to the site.  You know I'm having a good time when I get to write sentences like "It doesn’t take long for our hero’s investigation to lead him to a telepathic Christ-like hippie with a glowing face and a vagina on his side."  Who doesn't have fun with stuff like that?

Okay, pipe down, anti-telepahtic Christ-like hippie with a glowing face and a vagina on his side people, you've made your point.

The rest of you head on over to TopTenz and check it out.

Exhibit A: a telepathic Christ-like hippie with a glowing face and a vagina on his side

Cult Classics from Dimension X: Sssssss (1973)

 Cult Classics from Dimension X: Sssssss (1973)

If a movie revolves around a demented scientist named Dr. Stoner, who is experimenting on his teenage assistant in an attempt to turn him into a snake, it may be a cult classic.  Bonus points are awarded if the mad scientist in question is doing this because he has strange views.  Essentially, he is trying to prepare his species for an impending apocalypse that he believes will destroy humanity but leave snakes unharmed.  Yet, despite the fact that our mad scientist is named Dr. Stoner and he comes armed with a kooky scheme, the reason that Sssssss actually works is the serious and deliberate nature of the piece.  The plot sounds like one of those cheesy horror flicks where the lousy effects and the unintended laughs are plentiful.  Now, there are lousy effects and unintended laughs on display here, but the picture is surprisingly grounded and far less sensational than one might expect.

This is what happens when you take a job for a dude named Dr. Stoner.

 The body count is pretty low and the acting is pretty damn good.  Strother Martin does a great job of bringing levity to a role that most anyone else would have gone overboard with.  His Dr. Stoner is a believable lunatic and not some cackling maniac, and he is very adept with the snakes.  He is totally convincing and this is essential as the film is centered on his bizarre experiments.  Dirk Benedict is a bit wooden as Dr. Stoner's ill-fated assistant, David, but he is also innocent and naive enough to bring genuine sympathy to the part.  Heather Menzies is given most of the big dramatic bits as Dr. Stoner's daughter, Kristina, and she proves thoroughly capable.  The rest of the cast is game and Reb Brown makes his film debut as a macho bully who makes an impact in a meager role.

The snakes are the star attraction here and there are plenty of them.  A variety of species grace the screen, to include cobras, a black mamba, a python, and various others.  The footage with the reptiles is impressive and next to Strother Martin's presence, said footage is the movie's biggest asset.  The effects work that we are treated to as Dr. Stoner works to transform David into a snake is far less impressive, but the acting and the script nearly compensate for these hokey visuals.

The snakes are the star of Sssssss and this guy gets top billing.

At the end of the day, Sssssss is far from a great film, and it may not even be a good one.  Yet it is far superior to the movie most would expect based on the title and the plot--and yes, the fact that we're dealing with a Dr. Stoner.  The acting is surprisingly worthwhile, and the wealth of footage with live snakes and the thoughtful approach that Bernard L. Kowalski took with his direction make for a surprisingly effective cult classic.  If you're a fan of horror films, snakes, and mad scientists, this Sssssss is for you.  Pick up your copy today, and when you do, tell them that Dr. Stoner sent you.

 Sssssss Trivia:

Allegedly, the only shots in the film featuring a fake snake are when Dr. Stoner grabs the king cobra and when the police shoot the king cobra at the end.  It has been stated numerous times that the actors interacted with real snakes (to include 5 king cobras), none of which were defanged, and all of which had full venom capabilities.  Whether this is accurate or not, the cast (Strother Martin in particular) is extremely comfortable with their reptilian co-stars.

In addition to the cast and crew working with live snakes, the mongoose/cobra battle in the closing reel is not a product of special effects.  The final outcome of this throwdown isn't shown, but it certainly appears as though the cobra is going down.  

The scene where Dirk Benedict and Heather Menzies go skinny-dipping featured nudity.  The leaves that conceal the talent's pink parts were added in post-production in a successful bid to avoid an R rating.