Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

There is a really sound idea at the heart of this festive fright flick.  The pitch hinges on a deranged slasher running amok at a themed event for horror movie lovers like your friendly neighborhood blogger here.  The hardest parts of executing this premise should have been realizing the villain and the setting.  And yet, while the picture kills it in both of those categories, it has two glaring weaknesses that really took a lot of the wind out of my sails.  First off, like any genre, horror is at its best when the characters are involving.  You can make a bad story remarkable if it features compelling characters, and the common link between most great stories is a great cast of characters.  It doesn't work the other way around.  This is one of many instances wherein a groovy premise and impressive technical merits are undermined by a core group of players that don't capture our hearts.  I just didn't care a lot about most of the characters in Hell Fest, to include the leads, and that robbed the film of so much of its impact.  That and one ill-advised blunder really tarnished my experience.  There's a scene that starts off really great in a funhouse and actually stands as one of Hell Fest's most frightening sequences.  However, it turns out to be a cheap scare born of a lapse in logic that shatters every ounce of plausibility.  Seriously, it's beyond stupid, and as cool as the moment that preceded this gaffe was, the lack of a better explanation should have sent the filmmakers back to the drawing board.  Or the cutting room.  For me, moments like this can totally ruin a movie.  Now, I'm still going to give this one some credit because the killer and the setting were so dope, and there were several scary setpieces that were wicked intense.  The makers of Hell Fest did enough to entertain me, but they shot themselves in the foot with lukewarm characters and that wretched scene that was utterly devoid of anything remotely resembling reason.

Final Grade: C

A lot like Blood Fest in that it's a cheeky slasher movie built upon the idea of a themed event for fright fans going awry, this one suffers from one massive lapse in logic and a cast that is pretty damn run-of-the-mill.

Short Attention Span Review: Suspiria (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Suspiria (2018)

Someone I know heralded this remake/reboot of Dario Argento's most beloved motion picture as superior to the original.  He did go on to say that given how far it strays from the 1977 cult classic, this should have been crafted as something else altogether.  "If that were the case," he said with the utmost confidence, "We would all be hailing this as a genuine masterpiece."  Full disclosure: this guy is clearly an idiot.  Of course, some of you liked Hereditary, so maybe shitshows are en vogue these days.  I don't know.  But I do know this: the 2018 Suspiria is a monumental clusterfuck with only a few stunning flourishes to offer any enjoyment for those who suffer through this master class in turd burglary.  This is far too little for me to submit any sort of recommendation, for while there are a handful of pieces to the puzzle that sizzle, they are few and far between.  And they are buried in a plodding and nonsensical affair that tries so very hard to be grandiose and transformative that it renders itself overwrought and tedious.  In many ways, it's a joke, a really bad joke, like a dad joke that has died and gone to hell.  The director has no feel for the material, and the cast and crew are betrayed by a script that is a mess when it aims for intrigue and a bit of a bore when it strives for excitement, save a few instances that must have been accidental forays into entertainment.  Remember the score for the original Suspiria?  Of course you do, Goblin's dizzying array of energy and brilliance were among that startling shocker's greatest strengths.  This time out, we get a softer approach from Thom Yorke of Radiohead, and I think this take on the material could best be described as one basic bitch of a score.  I would categorize the whole thing as abysmal, but I don't want to insult any abysses.  Friends, let me put it to you like this: Luca Guadagnino's Suspiria is like a reboot of John Wick directed by Steven Soderbergh that runs nearly three hours long and only dishes out six minutes of action.  And there is an entirely pointless subplot that constantly drags the whole sorry affair even further into tedium wherein Keanu's titular surrogate pulls double duty in a second role as an old woman with feeble ties to the plot.  And we're not supposed to know it's the same performer in another role, but it is painfully obvious and only makes this particular ingredient and the recipe as a whole less appetizing.  And those who like the original John Wick and those who don't give a shit about John Wick alike can only wonder why they bothered to waste their time with this hypothetical piece of shit.  Though, in fairness, any hypothetical piece of shit is better than the 2018 Suspiria in my book, because I can't really waste 152 minutes of my life watching a hypothetical piece of shit, can I?

Final Grade: F for "Fuck this."

This clip from the film stands as a perfect metaphor for the joy I experienced while watching director  Luca Guadagnino's valiant effort to deeply insult anyone and everyone who enjoys the original.  Personally, I'm ready to throw hands.

Short Attention Span Review: Halloween (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Halloween (2018)

Like so many of my fellow fright fans, I have been eagerly awaiting this one.  While it is proving somewhat divisive, I will add my voice to the camp that is heaping praise on this nightmarish follow-up to John Carpenter's original classic.  It is not perfect, and it may not match the power of the first one, which was leaner, meaner, and far more unexpected upon arrival.  However, it is a tremendous addition to the franchise, easily qualifying as the best addition to the Halloween legacy; some may deem that slight praise, but I enjoy most of the movies in this series.  However, if necessary, I will go even further in my recommendation here, for I found this Halloween to be one of the best sequels I have ever encountered.  It is the rare second chapter that adds to the story rather than rehashing it, paving the way for a grand new vision of what transpired after Michael's gruesome homecoming back in 1978.  It does so in a bold manner, ignoring everything that came after the first picture and raising the stakes dramatically, taking the protagonist on a sensational journey through PTSD, determination, and alienation.  And in the end, it puts Laurie and those she holds most dear (even if they don't necessarily share this affection) to the ultimate test.  Throughout this grim odyssey, Jamie Lee Curtis fires on all cylinders, offering up what may just be her definitive performance--and further cementing her place in the hallowed hall of scream queens.  In fact, she may just own the top spot on that list thanks to this riveting showcase. One can only imagine how thrilled she must have been when she received this script, which is built upon a vision of Laurie Strode as a deeply troubled woman who becomes a force to be reckoned with by refusing to to be a victim.  Both the opening and the closing are supreme, with the grand finale standing as one of the better showdowns I have seen in such fare.  There are a few dry spots along the way, but there are also numerous clever set pieces rooted in suspense and terror, and at least one major surprise.  Curtis isn't the only one seeking to elevate this picture, as her co-stars also perform admirably, and Carpenter's updated score is positively massive.  Honestly, this is the finest treat I could have hoped to receive this October, and I encourage horror fans to catch this one in the cinema.  David Gordon Green has done a remarkable job with one of the genre's most chilling entities, and opportunities to take in a horror film of this stature on the big screen should not be missed.

Final Grade: A

Jamie Lee Curtis has never been better, and this Halloween is a worthy follow-up to the John Carpenter original that ignited a legacy of terror.

Short Attention Span Review: A Quiet Place (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: A Quiet Place (2018)

For a film fanatic, there are few feelings so sublime as that sense of bliss that washes over you when you realize you are watching an instant classic.  Sometimes this can be misleading, as it isn't uncommon for an epic set-up or some incredible filmmaking to break down at some point, but occasionally the filmmakers deliver the goods from start to finish.  A Quiet Place is one of those flicks where things begin and end on a high note, with a series of high notes sprinkled in between for good measure.  The pitch is simple but intriguing and new, and the execution is flawless.  Truthfully, I can't think of anything that warrants criticism.  The acting is sensational, with everyone in the small cast doing an amazing job of bringing their characters to life.  It's hard to single anyone out, but Emily Blunt surely deserves special praise given her Oscar-worthy performance even if none of her co-stars lag too far behind her tour de force.  The script is keen and insightful; it is stripped to the bare essentials, yet it contains incredible depth and completely fleshes out its vision.  Co-star John Krasinski is a bit of a revelation as a director, and he nearly matches his wife with an invigorating performance.  Few genres depend on a good score and sound effects as much as the horror genre, and the very concept of  A Quiet Place demands an awful lot on those fronts--and the artists come through in spectacular fashion.  The creature design is a big winner, the pacing and editing are on point, . . . there's just nothing to complain about here.  There is a lot to marvel at, and viewers who journey to A Quiet Place will be swept away by a vivid sensation that will terrify and move them in equal measures. This is a fine example of the horror genre at its very best, as A Quiet Place is an amazing experience that easily stands as one of the best films we'll see this year--or any other year, for that matter.

Final Grade: A+

An inventive concept and excellent craftsmanship combine to yield an instant classic.  A Quiet Place is not just a great horror film, it's a great film in general.

Powerful Pages: The Outsider by Stephen King (2018)

Powerful Pages: The Outsider by Stephen King (2018)

Stephen King's latest is at once vivid and refreshing while also paying tribute to the maestro's biggest strengths.  Rich characters and a well-drawn setting are the key ingredients, but a thoroughly engrossing first act and an approach that blurs the lines between a legal thriller and a supernatural opus also present themselves as major assets.  The big bad is new and unique, and equally creepy, and the book moves at a quick pace--which isn't always a staple of King's fiction.  I felt like this book deftly combined the hard-boiled aspects of Mr. Mercedes and Finders Keepers (both of which were totally devoid of supernatural shenanigans) with the passion for things that go bump in the night that has always elevated King's fiction.  While End of Watch, the bookend to the Bill Hodges trilogy, also intertwined the thriller and horror genres to potent effect, it leaned closer to the thriller side of the coin in tone and attitude.  The last two acts of The Outsider, on the other hand, surely represent balls-to-the-wall horror--and may even summon memories of King's leaner and meaner terrors born of the 70s and 80s, long before a bit more whimsy softened those harder edges a bit.  In the end, I found this one to be a real page-turner that made the most of all of King's tools, and I think that The Outsider stands as a nice bridge between his most bloodcurdling work and his most exciting offerings.

Final Grade: A