Short Attention Span Review: Suspiria (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Suspiria (2018)

Someone I know heralded this remake/reboot of Dario Argento's most beloved motion picture as superior to the original.  He did go on to say that given how far it strays from the 1977 cult classic, this should have been crafted as something else altogether.  "If that were the case," he said with the utmost confidence, "We would all be hailing this as a genuine masterpiece."  Full disclosure: this guy is clearly an idiot.  Of course, some of you liked Hereditary, so maybe shitshows are en vogue these days.  I don't know.  But I do know this: the 2018 Suspiria is a monumental clusterfuck with only a few stunning flourishes to offer any enjoyment for those who suffer through this master class in turd burglary.  This is far too little for me to submit any sort of recommendation, for while there are a handful of pieces to the puzzle that sizzle, they are few and far between.  And they are buried in a plodding and nonsensical affair that tries so very hard to be grandiose and transformative that it renders itself overwrought and tedious.  In many ways, it's a joke, a really bad joke, like a dad joke that has died and gone to hell.  The director has no feel for the material, and the cast and crew are betrayed by a script that is a mess when it aims for intrigue and a bit of a bore when it strives for excitement, save a few instances that must have been accidental forays into entertainment.  Remember the score for the original Suspiria?  Of course you do, Goblin's dizzying array of energy and brilliance were among that startling shocker's greatest strengths.  This time out, we get a softer approach from Thom Yorke of Radiohead, and I think this take on the material could best be described as one basic bitch of a score.  I would categorize the whole thing as abysmal, but I don't want to insult any abysses.  Friends, let me put it to you like this: Luca Guadagnino's Suspiria is like a reboot of John Wick directed by Steven Soderbergh that runs nearly three hours long and only dishes out six minutes of action.  And there is an entirely pointless subplot that constantly drags the whole sorry affair even further into tedium wherein Keanu's titular surrogate pulls double duty in a second role as an old woman with feeble ties to the plot.  And we're not supposed to know it's the same performer in another role, but it is painfully obvious and only makes this particular ingredient and the recipe as a whole less appetizing.  And those who like the original John Wick and those who don't give a shit about John Wick alike can only wonder why they bothered to waste their time with this hypothetical piece of shit.  Though, in fairness, any hypothetical piece of shit is better than the 2018 Suspiria in my book, because I can't really waste 152 minutes of my life watching a hypothetical piece of shit, can I?

Final Grade: F for "Fuck this."

This clip from the film stands as a perfect metaphor for the joy I experienced while watching director  Luca Guadagnino's valiant effort to deeply insult anyone and everyone who enjoys the original.  Personally, I'm ready to throw hands.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #20) The Fly (1986)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.  Today, I'm cranking things up with the first entry in my Top 20 Horror Movies. 

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #20) The Fly (1986)

The first entry on my list is one of three remakes to be included.  This one is surely the wildest departure from the original, as this somber tale bears little or no resemblance to the cheeky Vincent Price vehicle from 1958.  This 1986 version of the The Fly is directed by David Cronenberg, one of the most visionary directors of them all.  Cronenberg's intense and often perverse work has largely originated within either the horror genre or the science fiction genre, and I think this deliberate terror yarn stands as his grandest achievement.  It's also the best work that Jeff Goldblum has ever done, and his total immersion into the part of Seth Brundle, a daring and strangely charismatic scientist, is amazing to behold.  Throw in some fabulous effects work and an eerie score by Howard Shore and you have the makings of a classic.   This version of The Fly is a slow burn that works magnificently.  The first two acts are largely about meeting the characters and witnessing a failed experiment and the subsequent transformation as Goldblum's wacky but lovable scientist becomes one of the most grotesque monsters ever put on film.  These portions of the film are ripe with suspense and dread, while the third and final act is where most of the gruesome action takes place.  The film is potent; the combination of disturbing visuals and difficult content make it every bit as emotional and dramatic as it is frightening.  Yes, this version of The Fly is everything that I'm looking for in a great horror film, and viewing it remains a riveting experience that I highly recommend.

Jeff Goldblum's work in Cronenberg's remake of The Fly is absolutely amazing.

Evil Dead (remake)

When I heard there was an Evil Dead remake in the works, I was skeptical at best.  When I found out that there would be no Ash in the picture, I couldn't imagine it working.  Even after the theatrical release, I wasn't interested--despite my good friend Tony D's assurances that it was an awesome reboot.  I shouldn't have doubted him.

The Evil Dead remake may represent the most fun I've had with a horror film in years.  It was a gory thrill ride that was disturbing, repulsive, dark, demented, and 100% entertaining.  The direction was spot-on, the acting was on-point, the effects were glorious, and the sense of impending doom was a perfect recreation of the sinister tone and the grisly atmosphere of Raimi's original.  In fact, I think it's fair to say that, Ash or no Ash, this remake topped the original.  To be fair, the makers of this film had Sam and Bruce in their corner, and they had the original and every other meaningful horror film from the last 30 years to reflect on.  Yet many remakes of films with similar legacies fall flat, and I thought this was a smashing success.

Finally, I think the lack of Ash was appropriate.  After all, who else could play that role?  It's a part for the The Chin, and a part for The Chin alone.  If you're looking for a good time drenched in blood, look no further than the Evil Dead remake, a rip-roaring massacre that is incredibly well-made.