Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

I'm a sucker for monster movies set in the depths of the ocean, and I readily admit that most of these films aren't very good.  With that in mind, it is safe to say that Underwater follows in their footsteps.  While better than Deepstar Six and pretty much on the same level as Leviathan, it falls well short of the high water mark for such fare, Deep Rising.  However, it does have many things going for it.  I really liked the design elements, to include the sets and the creepy-crawlies.  The frantic pace seemed like a good idea, particularly during a rousing opening.  After that, however, the movie got lost and floundered before finding its way back for an explosive conclusion with some potent emotional heft thrown in for good measure.  Though they were painted in the broadest of strokes, I did enjoy the characters, and the performances were far better than what we often see in such a run-of-the-mill creature feature.  I did find Kristen Stewart to be particularly effective, and she certainly gave it her all.  However, it did seem a bit odd that she had to spend so much of the picture running around in her underwear.  At one point, they noted that the temperature had risen ten degrees because of an incident, but at seven miles below the surface, I doubt that turns the ocean into a liquid sauna.  And they also pointed out that the dive suits they frequently lumbered around in were too tight to accommodate regular clothing,  but since wetsuits and form-fitting clothing are actual things, this too felt like a lame excuse.  Like, no bullshit, there are probably women in prison flicks where the ladies aren't exploited quite as much.  My biggest complaint would be what could have been a total lack of competency, though I think it was actually a desire to provide an immersive effect geared toward exploring claustrophobia and disorientation.  Translation: for much of the picture, I had no idea what was happening.  There were several key moments (to include two pivotal deaths) that will forever remain mysteries to me, despite what were no doubt highly expensive displays of Grade A shaky cam magic.  In the dark.  Key dialogue was muffled by heavy breathing and distorted transmissions.  Entire setpieces were lost to a fog of paranoia and jarring visuals, punctuated by quick glimpses of darkness and more darkness.  Maybe this sounded good in concept, but when a character you enjoy perishes and you have no idea what went down, it's a bit of a bummer.  When it happens more than once, it becomes flat out frustrating.  That's how I would ultimately describe Underwater: frustrating.  Everything necessary for a groovy chiller is on hand, but the ingredients are misused, and the resulting dish is a little bland, a little messy, and very forgettable despite a couple of exciting flourishes.

Final Grade: C-

Kristen Stewart is pictured here in more than just her undergarments.  She bares her soul in a fine lead performance that also requires her to bare everything else far too often.

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

I plucked one from the archives today.  The Kindred is a late 80s monster movie that I may have rented a few too many times during my unruly youth.  It is rather gooey, and while I can't rightfully say that it is very good, it is a fun little monster movie.  Like many such affairs that go big often, it lands a few solid punches when it isn't getting knocked on its slimy ass.  Translation: there are some bits that work well and some gnarly effects, and there are also some sequences that fall flat and some effects that miss the mark.  By a lot.  The cast is game, with a young Amanda Pays standing out here and there while Rod Steiger slums it up.  To his credit, while many performers of his caliber would shift into neutral while slumming, Steiger actually seems pretty into it.  And the poor boy does take his lumps in the closing reel, so that is rather commendable.  Our lead (David Allen Brooks as John Hollins) doesn't exactly light up the screen, but he doesn't fall flat either.  Peter Frechette seems a little fierier in a lesser role, and this may be why he suddenly rises to the forefront in the closing reel.  The atmosphere is nice and sinister, the premise is just kooky enough to keep us involved, and an average monster movie is always better than even the greatest love stories captured on film.  That's how I see the world, anyhow.  So, yeah, this is just an average monster movie, nothing more, nothing less, but it was nice to take a stroll down memory lane.  Yes, good people of the internet, I enjoyed revisiting these crazy kids and their grotesque vaguely humanoid siblings.  And if you dig creature features too, you could do far worse.

Final Grade: C

The Kindred is a gooey mess, but it's a lot more entertaining than Gone with the Wind or Titanic.  True story.

Short Attention Span Review - Life (2017)

Short Attention Span Review - Life (2017)

Widely panned as an Alien wannabe with a great cast and a lousy creature, Life came and went with minimal fanfare.  I have a soft spot for films in this vein, so the fact that I had yet to watch this sci-fi/horror hybrid only underscores just how badly it was overlooked.  I say that because having viewed Life this weekend, I'm here to tell you that this one is well worth a watch.  And it tries really hard to be something more than an Alien clone, though the trappings are too familiar.  Bottom line: if you do a creature feature in space, you're wading into that territory.  There's no way around it.  It's like making a shark movie--your picture will be compared to Jaws.  Those are the rules.  And while Alien was a B movie at heart, Ridley Scott transformed it into a visionary spectacle for the ages.  Life is technically sound, but it doesn't rise above being a B movie in concept or execution.  But it's a good B movie, sporting a great cast, quality effects, and a vicious monster that is unique.  I really liked the way the picture was shot, and I also liked that creature.  And Life has some serious momentum--once the horror aspects really kick in, it's very exciting and equally dark.  Many fans will likely be turned off by how cold-blooded the script is, but genre fans may find that this sinister undercurrent enhances the experience.  It is no classic, not by a long shot, but as monster movies go, it's a winner.  If you're looking for some gruesome thrills, you could do far worse.  

Final Grade: B

Jake Gyllenhaal sits at the head of the table where Life's considerable star power is concerned, but this is still a B movie.

Short Attention Span Review - Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - Q: The Winged Serpent (1982)

Q works for a few reasons.  As many have pointed out before, the most significant boost comes from Michael Moriarty, who just acts his ass off.  In the midst of a campy horror movie with a flying monstrosity and killer cultists, Moriarty lets it all fly, and his performance is positively Oscar-worthy.  There is no way that previous statement won't come off as hyperbole, but it's totally true.  Moriarty does some Daniel Day-Lewis method shit and slays his role as a petty crook who is both a coward and a dreamer who won't shy away from a big play.  Another key to this cult classic's place in the hearts of horror fans is that while it does contain a flying serpent and those bloodthirsty cultists, that's not really what it's about.  It's mostly about the characters, to include Moriarty's ambitious thief, David Carradine's inquisitive detective (he's equal parts tough and thoughtful), and Candy Clark as Joan, the woman who loves Moriarty's Jimmy Quinn and also despises him.  Cohen's direction and witty script (there are some top-shelf lines in this one) are also winners, but that won't surprise anyone who digs his work.  The effects are sinister where the cultists are concerned and downright hokey where the titular terror is concerned.  This flying fiend is captured via stop motion a la Harryhausen, making this both a kooky frightfest and a love letter of sorts to the creature features of the 50s and 60s.  Q is a strange dish, and it surely registers as junk food, but it remains tasty after all these years.

Final Grade: B

Yes, it's a goofy monster movie, but the praise often heaped upon Moriarty's jazzy performance is wholly warranted.  He should have gotten an Oscar.  I'm dead fucking serious right now.

Short Attention Span Review: Rampage (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Rampage (2018)

As someone who played the video game this movie is based on in my youth, the news that this property was being developed into a film hit me like a ton of meh.  There wasn't much in the way of a plot so far as the game was concerned, and even after The Rock signed on to star in the picture, I just didn't see how this could be anything special.  I think I was expecting something more along the lines of Pixels, so I got a pleasant surprise when I took my son to see this one in the theater.  We revisited it on Blu-Ray this weekend with the whole fam, and my opinion hasn't changed: Rampage is a solid creature feature.  It's not quite on par with Kong: Skull Island, but it isn't too far off, and while I think the 2014 version of Godzilla is a superior movie, Rampage offers a lot more in the way of entertainment.  The effects were pretty awesome, there were some big laughs along the way, and anyone who enjoys seeing giant monsters run amok is guaranteed to enjoy the shenanigans that unfold in this nonsensical romp.  The Rock does a bang-up job in the lead role, investing a lot of heart into the picture, while most everyone else is relegated to playing a cliche aside from George, the albino gorilla/CGI spectacle who enjoys quite a bromance with our star.  Genre fans will likely enjoy the little Predator homage embedded in the first act, and the last reel is a cinematic bombardment of carnage on an epic scale.  Perhaps most impressive is the fact that the movie manages to tell an interesting tale and deliver some serious kicks while also finding a way to pay homage to the simplistic video game it is based upon.  While I'm a big fan of The Rock as a personality, I have often found his filmography to be a bit lacking, and I surely didn't expect Rampage to offer anything new and different.  In truth, it didn't, but those who enjoy my blog should know by now that I'm sucker for a creature feature, and I'm not one to throw stones at a servicable B movie.  This is both of those things, and it is also one of The Rock's most enjoyable offerings.

Final Grade: B+

Surprisingly, Rampage emerges as a solid creature feature and one of The Rock's  most entertaining movies.

Short Attention Span Review: A Quiet Place (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: A Quiet Place (2018)

For a film fanatic, there are few feelings so sublime as that sense of bliss that washes over you when you realize you are watching an instant classic.  Sometimes this can be misleading, as it isn't uncommon for an epic set-up or some incredible filmmaking to break down at some point, but occasionally the filmmakers deliver the goods from start to finish.  A Quiet Place is one of those flicks where things begin and end on a high note, with a series of high notes sprinkled in between for good measure.  The pitch is simple but intriguing and new, and the execution is flawless.  Truthfully, I can't think of anything that warrants criticism.  The acting is sensational, with everyone in the small cast doing an amazing job of bringing their characters to life.  It's hard to single anyone out, but Emily Blunt surely deserves special praise given her Oscar-worthy performance even if none of her co-stars lag too far behind her tour de force.  The script is keen and insightful; it is stripped to the bare essentials, yet it contains incredible depth and completely fleshes out its vision.  Co-star John Krasinski is a bit of a revelation as a director, and he nearly matches his wife with an invigorating performance.  Few genres depend on a good score and sound effects as much as the horror genre, and the very concept of  A Quiet Place demands an awful lot on those fronts--and the artists come through in spectacular fashion.  The creature design is a big winner, the pacing and editing are on point, . . . there's just nothing to complain about here.  There is a lot to marvel at, and viewers who journey to A Quiet Place will be swept away by a vivid sensation that will terrify and move them in equal measures. This is a fine example of the horror genre at its very best, as A Quiet Place is an amazing experience that easily stands as one of the best films we'll see this year--or any other year, for that matter.

Final Grade: A+

An inventive concept and excellent craftsmanship combine to yield an instant classic.  A Quiet Place is not just a great horror film, it's a great film in general.

Short Attention Span Review: Kong: Skull Island (2017)

Short Attention Span Review: Kong: Skull Island (2017)

When I was a chap, Pop took me to see Godzilla 1985 and I had an absolute blast.  Last week, I got to take a couple of my wee ones to see Kong: Skull Island, and we had a blast with what is certainly a vastly superior film.  In fact, as a lifelong fan of both Godzilla and King Kong (and pretty much any other giant monster I've seen on-screen), I think it's safe to say that I don't know if there's any such venture that packs as much excitement into its run time as this 2017 thrill ride.  Now, it does suffer a little from a lack of originality (it does represent a fresh take on the material, but in many ways this is the still the Kong we all know and love) and it may not have the heart and soul that some of the more moving takes on this property have benefited from, but it is jam-packed with exhilaration and creativity.  The effects are stupendous, and a fine cast led by Tom Hiddleston, Brie Larson, and Samuel L. Jackson work very hard at not being upstaged by John C. Reilly at every turn.  Hiddleston proves to be a quality leading man, Larson's presence gives all the mayhem unfolding on screen some depth, and Jackson flirts with the Jon Voight in Anaconda approach.  It is Reilly who really steals the show, however, and while his humor is evident throughout, he also brings a lot of energy and emotion to Kong: Skull Island.  This slick motion picture is very much in the summer blockbuster mold, and those who get their kicks from creature features and 70s rock may not have a better time at the theater in 2017.  It's not a great movie, but it's a great time at the movies, and as someone who treasures this sort of material, I can't recommend Kong: Skull Island enough.

Final Grade: B+

Kong: Skull Island is an action-packed thrill ride that should delight monster movie fans across the globe.

Short Attention Span Review: Critters (1986)

Unfairly labelled a Gremlins clone upon release, Critters is a quirky horror film with a talented cast and groovy special effects.  It borrows from several movies but remains original and entertaining from start to finish.  At times it is a little creepy, at times it is certainly thrilling, and there's a lot of humor sprinkled throughout.  The plot finds a handful of alien furballs with lots of teeth terrorizing a likable family at their farm.  There are a pair of alien bounty hunters who can look like anyone hot on the trail of these borderline cute/decidedly vicious furballs.  The critters roll around and wreak havoc at the farm with glee, while the somewhat dimwitted and extremely destructive bounty hunters damn near ruin the entire town looking for them.  The humans caught in the mix include Scott Grimes (who recently nailed a decent part on the final season of Justified) as Brad, a mischievous young boy who digs firecrackers.  His mother and father are played by Dee Wallace Stone and Billy Green Bush, and they make the most of their parts.  There's also Don Keith Opper as the crazy guy who helps out at the farm and the always reliable M. Emmet Walsh as the baffled sheriff.  Those viewers who are expecting a bloody romp may be a bit disappointed with the minimal body count, but anyone expecting a lighthearted picture will be taken aback by the violence and language.  It's a kooky flick and it may be underrated simply because it's hard to determine exactly what audience the filmmakers were aiming for.  Critters is a bit too rough to be kiddie fare and many adults will find it too silly to enjoy.  However, those who like a zany creature feature and anyone who shares my enthusiasm for 80s horror movies will have a blast with this one. 

Final Grade: B+

Dee Wallace Stone shows some range, going from loving mother to
scared mother before finally arriving at angry mother/critter-slaying machine.

Short Attention Span Review: Pumpkinhead (1988)

Pumpkinhead is a horror film that never really got its due.  I'm not sure that the property lends itself well to the notion of a series, so maybe it's not all that surprising that a pair of toothless sequels have probably hurt this curious monster movie's appeal.  Yet it has a fanbase; many genre aficionados treasure the fantastic creature effects c/o the legendary Stan Winston, who also directed the picture. Yes, Winston's direction wasn't quite on par with his effects wizardry, but that's not akin to saying that he mucked it up.  He did a good job as director and he was working with a nifty screenplay.  He was also given quite the assist in making a startling motion picture by his star, Lance Henriksen, who gives one of his best performances in Pumpkinhead.  Just in case there's someone reading this blog who isn't in the loop, let's tell it like it is: Lance Henriksen is awesome.  Saying that a movie features one of his best performances is a big deal coming from me.  I'm a huge fan of his work (I went to see Man's Best Friend on opening night and I quote Bishop almost as much as I quote Hicks or Hudson) and I truly appreciate the stellar job he did with this material.  I enjoy the gruesome story, but it is a bit predictable and the movie could have been rather forgettable in spite of the tremendous creature effects with a mundane performer at the wheel.  Lance elevates this one into a dark morality play that is frequently as dramatic as it is terrifying.  This fright flick is riveting from start to finish, and it doesn't waste a lot of time, packing a wealth of thrills and chills into a lean 86-minute runtime.  With Pumpkinhead, one of the best effects artists ever and one hell of an actor delivered a fierce creature feature with bite--and heart.

Final Grade: B

The effects are great, but Lance's performance is even better.

Short Attention Span Review: Prophecy (1979)

Billed as "The Monster Movie," Prophecy strives to be just that.  Alas, the effects don't quite live up to the hype, but this bold creature feature still manages to entertain.  This is largely due to the presence of several quality performers  and a terrific director.  Prophecy also boasts a nifty plot, so while the creature design is a bit of a disappointment, the movie itself is easy to recommend.  Besides, it's not the worst creature design ever, and there's enough fright and suspense in the mix to keep horror fans rooted to their chairs until the gruesome finale.  Now, director John Frankenheimer wasn't exactly at his peak here, but he still managed to generate a lot of intensity and dread with Prophecy.  There are also a few pertinent themes interwoven with the screaming and the bloodshed, to include ruminations on humanity's crimes against the environment and futility born of bureaucracy, but Frankenheimer doesn't let these elements get in the way of a good time.  The cast, including Talia Shire, Robert Foxworth, and Armand Assante, among others, make the most of the material.  Surprisingly enough, the three capable leads I just mentioned offer up some of their best work in a movie that requires them to square off against a dude in a rubber suit in the closing reel.  The score is perfect for a horror flick like this one and there's a lot of gore sprinkled throughout the proceedings.  True story: I have a crazy uncle (doesn't everyone?) who has dubbed Prophecy his favorite movie.  Now, I can't go nearly that far, but I do enjoy it and I'm certain that anyone else who responds to phrases like "creature feature" or "monster movie" the way that I do will have fun with this one as well.  Truthfully, if Katahdin (the beast of legend/freakish mutation that hunts our merry band of heroes) was a bit more convincing, this movie might have achieved epic status.

Final Grade: C+

Despite being a beast born of folklore, Katahdin is having a less than stellar day.