Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

There is a really sound idea at the heart of this festive fright flick.  The pitch hinges on a deranged slasher running amok at a themed event for horror movie lovers like your friendly neighborhood blogger here.  The hardest parts of executing this premise should have been realizing the villain and the setting.  And yet, while the picture kills it in both of those categories, it has two glaring weaknesses that really took a lot of the wind out of my sails.  First off, like any genre, horror is at its best when the characters are involving.  You can make a bad story remarkable if it features compelling characters, and the common link between most great stories is a great cast of characters.  It doesn't work the other way around.  This is one of many instances wherein a groovy premise and impressive technical merits are undermined by a core group of players that don't capture our hearts.  I just didn't care a lot about most of the characters in Hell Fest, to include the leads, and that robbed the film of so much of its impact.  That and one ill-advised blunder really tarnished my experience.  There's a scene that starts off really great in a funhouse and actually stands as one of Hell Fest's most frightening sequences.  However, it turns out to be a cheap scare born of a lapse in logic that shatters every ounce of plausibility.  Seriously, it's beyond stupid, and as cool as the moment that preceded this gaffe was, the lack of a better explanation should have sent the filmmakers back to the drawing board.  Or the cutting room.  For me, moments like this can totally ruin a movie.  Now, I'm still going to give this one some credit because the killer and the setting were so dope, and there were several scary setpieces that were wicked intense.  The makers of Hell Fest did enough to entertain me, but they shot themselves in the foot with lukewarm characters and that wretched scene that was utterly devoid of anything remotely resembling reason.

Final Grade: C

A lot like Blood Fest in that it's a cheeky slasher movie built upon the idea of a themed event for fright fans going awry, this one suffers from one massive lapse in logic and a cast that is pretty damn run-of-the-mill.

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Blood Fest is one of those fast-paced and energetic flicks that aim to pay homage to the slasher sub-genre while finding a few new wrinkles to explore along the way.  But there's no concerted effort to deliver some sort of classic, to join the ranks of Halloween or Scream.  And that, my friends, is a good thing.  In my humble opinion, there's no better way to muck up this beloved sub-genre than to start thinking franchise and legacy before you put one rock-solid film in the can.   Blood Fest has no illusions of grandeur, but it wants to shake and move from the first shot all the way to the last.  It peppers us with diabolical kills, laughs, cool characters to spare, and some gnarly sets and shenanigans.  It works in most of these areas far more often than it falters, and it really clicks where those characters are concerned.  I liked all of our principals, with a secondary character who was a misunderstood actor who had portrayed a slasher himself being my favorite.  This gave the picture a bit more importance than it may have warranted otherwise, and each kill hit me pretty hard.  In the average slasher flick, there are one or two characters you dig, a handful of characters you could care less about, and at least one schmuck who can't get offed soon enough.  This picture has a schmuck, to be sure, but beyond that, I really liked everyone else mired in this quirky struggle for survival.  The set-up worked, the effects were quality, the score was on point, and the talent in front of the camera and their peers toiling behind the camera all earned their pay.  Was it a great horror movie?  No, but that was never in the cards.  Was it a fun slasher flick that I can easily recommend to all of my readers?  Damn straight.  Job well done, Blood Fest.

Final Grade: B+

Bloody, fun, witty, and (most importantly) populated by likable characters, Blood Fest is a worthwhile slasher flick that this particular horror junkie slept on for far too long. 

Short Attention Span Review - A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

Short Attention Span Review - A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

Oye.  This movie had so much potential, but it just couldn't connect the dots.  While director Renny Harlin did manage to drop some cool imagery on us, and there were some rather solid action bits, a lack of character development and a jokey script undermined his efforts.  Robert Englund was surely invested in the material, and seemed to be having a ball with his part, but it was just a little too much.  I enjoyed some of Freddy's wisecracks, but I didn't really want to see him portrayed as a murderous clown.  And that was apparently the goal in The Dream Master, which also suffered from a number of cringeworthy gags that missed the mark entirely.  There were some zingers that landed, and some of the creativity that made Dream Warriors a winner made it onto the screen.  However, while it was servicable for this type of flick, the effects work wasn't quite as good as what we saw in the prior entry.  The script dispensed with several pivotal characters with minimal fanfare, and failed to develop their succesors enough to inspire me to root for them.  Aside from the roach kill and a rousing finale, I nearly lost interest.  To be fair, the roach kill was totally f'n gnarly, but by the time I got to that part. it was a genuine "too little, too late" scenario.  Then we got the parting shot, an obligatory "Freddy's still out there" gimmick--and it was really, really weak.  In fact, that would be an adequate summary of this late 80s slasher sequel: really, really weak.  If not for that one wild moment when The Dream Master totally bugged out, I would give this one an "F."

Final Grade: D-

Robert Englund has a great time with The Dream Master.  I did not.

Short Attention Span Review - A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

Dream Warriors is a fan favorite for many reasons.  Among them are an impressive cast for a late 80s horror flick, a lot of creativity, kooky effects, and director Chuck Russell filling in nicely for genre heavyweight Wes Craven.  It also boasts a lively script, some of Englund's best work straddling the fence between horror and comedy, and a frantic pace.  It is surely the best entry in this series that Craven didn't engineer, and it's a pretty damn good horror movie in general.  I love the inventive kills, and there are some huge beats in the story.  The only shortcomings are a few instances where there was a little too much cheese in the recipe and a couple of effects gags that miss the mark.  Honestly, that's to be expected in a film of this ilk that aims to do so much, and there are way more hits than misses.  The TV kill is one of my favorites, and the puppet sequence is also wicked.  John Saxon's presence in the closing reel is a huge plus, and the subplot with the creepy but helpful nun is a nice touch.  This is a really fun spookshow with a lot of substance, and while the first film from this franchise is much better (I do consider it to be a legitimate classic), Dream Warriors is as good as it got for Freddy beyond that.  And that's good enough for me to show it some love here in the Land of Way.

Final Grade: B

Dream Warriors shines when emphasizing the creativity that always separated this franchise from the pack.

Short Attention Span Review: Happy Death Day (2017)

Short Attention Span Review: Happy Death Day (2017)

Shoot me.  I'm very late to the party here.  However, with the sequel opening to rock-solid reviews, I decided I should finally give Happy Death Day a look.  What can I say?  Shame on me for putting this off for so long.  Happy Death Day is a big winner on every front.  You know the premise: it's basically Groundhog Day by way of Scream.  Sounds cool, right?  Well, as so many of you already know, it is entirely possible that this film represents the perfect realization of that marriage.  The picture is packed with thrills, chills, and chuckles.  It also has some surprising depth, and may even pluck at your heartstrings a bit.  The direction from Christopher Landon is remarkable, the cast is game (particularly Jessica Rothe, who is nothing short of sensational as the lead), and the script is clever as hell--the big fear with this premise is that it will grow tiresome, but it only becomes more innovative as it progresses.  Bear McCreary's score is top shelf stuff, and the killer design and the effects work all hit the mark.  Happy Death Day has everything going for it, and it offers slasher fans a damn good time at the movies.  I am suddenly VERY eager to scope out the sequel.  Well done, Blumhouse!  Between this and the new Halloween, this production company is giving those of us who grew up watching Michael, Freddy, and Jason do their thing a lot to howl about.  And the new kids?  Well, they might finally be getting their own worthy addition to this vein of filmmaking.  It's about time.

Final Grade: A+

Honestly, I don't know how far they can stretch this premise, but the sequel is getting rave reviews and this may just be the start of a stellar franchise.

Short Attention Span Review: Halloween (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Halloween (2018)

Like so many of my fellow fright fans, I have been eagerly awaiting this one.  While it is proving somewhat divisive, I will add my voice to the camp that is heaping praise on this nightmarish follow-up to John Carpenter's original classic.  It is not perfect, and it may not match the power of the first one, which was leaner, meaner, and far more unexpected upon arrival.  However, it is a tremendous addition to the franchise, easily qualifying as the best addition to the Halloween legacy; some may deem that slight praise, but I enjoy most of the movies in this series.  However, if necessary, I will go even further in my recommendation here, for I found this Halloween to be one of the best sequels I have ever encountered.  It is the rare second chapter that adds to the story rather than rehashing it, paving the way for a grand new vision of what transpired after Michael's gruesome homecoming back in 1978.  It does so in a bold manner, ignoring everything that came after the first picture and raising the stakes dramatically, taking the protagonist on a sensational journey through PTSD, determination, and alienation.  And in the end, it puts Laurie and those she holds most dear (even if they don't necessarily share this affection) to the ultimate test.  Throughout this grim odyssey, Jamie Lee Curtis fires on all cylinders, offering up what may just be her definitive performance--and further cementing her place in the hallowed hall of scream queens.  In fact, she may just own the top spot on that list thanks to this riveting showcase. One can only imagine how thrilled she must have been when she received this script, which is built upon a vision of Laurie Strode as a deeply troubled woman who becomes a force to be reckoned with by refusing to to be a victim.  Both the opening and the closing are supreme, with the grand finale standing as one of the better showdowns I have seen in such fare.  There are a few dry spots along the way, but there are also numerous clever set pieces rooted in suspense and terror, and at least one major surprise.  Curtis isn't the only one seeking to elevate this picture, as her co-stars also perform admirably, and Carpenter's updated score is positively massive.  Honestly, this is the finest treat I could have hoped to receive this October, and I encourage horror fans to catch this one in the cinema.  David Gordon Green has done a remarkable job with one of the genre's most chilling entities, and opportunities to take in a horror film of this stature on the big screen should not be missed.

Final Grade: A

Jamie Lee Curtis has never been better, and this Halloween is a worthy follow-up to the John Carpenter original that ignited a legacy of terror.

Short Attention Span Review: Tourist Trap (1979)

Short Attention Span Review: Tourist Trap (1979)

This is one of those older horror films with a woefully misleading PG rating.  Seriously, I have no idea what the MPAA was thinking.  It isn't all that gory, true, but it is bloody, and the movie is very dark and very intense, with at least one deeply traumatizing death scene.  It is also sadistic and incredibly creepy, and anyone who is bothered by mannequins should steer clear of this ghoulish sleeper from 1979.  The premise is kooky and there are a few flaws in the execution, but it is easy to forgive any shortcomings in light of the dreadful atmosphere and the eerie tone of Tourist Trap.  Chuck Connors did a fine job anchoring the piece, and he got a big assist from a young cast of unknowns that included the gorgeous Tanya Roberts and established Jocelyn Jones as a legitimate talent.  The direction from David Schmoeller and the effects work serve as the backbone of the ghastly affair, and the picture gets a boost from the malicious tone that keeps the viewer riveted for the duration of the show.  This is more in the vein of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre than a slasher flick, but the supernatural element really sets it apart.  All things considered, Tourist Trap is wildly unique and decidedly grim, and it is a shame that it doesn't enjoy the fanfare it rightfully deserves.  While it has a modest cult following, it is quite the low-budget powerhouse, generating big scares and growing stranger and more frightful with every minute that passes.  An unnerving script, fine direction, some quality performances, and a nerve-jangling descent into terror?  You know this one is a hit in my book.

Final Grade: B

Tourist Trap is a real oddity, and it is creepy as hell.  People who are unnerved by mannequins will be scarred for life after a single viewing.

Short Attention Span Review: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

Short Attention Span Review: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a minor classic that benefits largely from the raw look and feel of the piece, giving it an authenticity that makes it seem like the closest thing to a snuff film you're apt to find on Netflix.  As such, it isn't a picture I like to revisit, and most of the entries in this ongoing series are equally grim affairs that fall well short of the high water mark Tobe Hooper set with the original in 1974.  Hooper himself only revisited the material as a director with this 1986 sequel.  While many were completely turned off by its goofy tone and flamboyant characters at the time it was released, it has earned quite a reputation as a cult classic and remains a personal favorite of mine.  Unlike most sequels, the body count doesn't grow exponentially, and in fact The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 probably sports one of the lowest body counts that you're apt to find in a gory slasher flick.  Even if there aren't bodies piling up on the screen, there is an abundance of blood and guts on display, and Tom Savini's practical effects are amazing.  The surreal set design is just as impressive, and the characters are mostly caricatures.  The acting fits the bizarro tone nicely, with Bill Moseley and Dennis Hopper competing to see who can give the most ridiculous performance in the picture.  Moseley is equal parts hilarious and disgusting as the villainous Chop-Top, while Hopper plays Lieutenant Lefty Enright, a Texas Ranger who is both a righteous avenger and a bloodthirsty lunatic who may just be crazier than Leatherface.  In many ways, these sensational elements join together to make The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 a cartoonish chiller, and while it's easy enough to see how that could rub many people the wrong way, I love it.  In closing, I should also note that the score is fabulous, the ending is killer, and all the dark humor in play makes this a bizarre treat that is worth revisiting often.     

Final Grade: A

The MVP of this gonzo sequel has to be Bill Moseley, whose Chop-Top is a grotesque nutjob who is just  as amusing as he is disgusting.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #9) Halloween (1978)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)
#18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)
#17) Alien (1979) 
#16) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
#15) Suspiria (1977) 
#14) Phantasm (1979)
#13) Evil Dead 2 (1985)
#12) Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) 
#11) The Descent (2005)
#10) Fright Night (1985) 

My favorite director finally hits the scene with the perfect film for the spooky season, Halloween.   

Top 20 Horror Movies - #9) Halloween (1978)

Simple but highly effective, John Carpenter's Halloween is a fantastic film that remains at the forefront of the slasher sub-genre.  This smash hit produced on a shoestring budget heralded the emergence of one of the genre's most celebrated directors and also signified the arrival of Jamie Lee Curtis, scream queen extraordinaire.  In addition to putting a spotlight on Carpenter's talent as a director and Jamie Lee's acting chops, Halloween gave us the perfect boogeyman in Michael Myers and laid the groundwork for one of the genre's most frightening franchises.  Donald Pleasance is also in the mix, and he shines in one of his signature roles as Dr. Loomis, the determined but panic-stricken shrink who couldn't keep Michael locked away and is thereby determined to shoot him dead.  Good luck with that.  The mood and the atmosphere are incredible; in addition to creating a wealth of suspense and dread with ample foreshadowing that makes the most of Michael's unnerving presence, Halloween also perfectly captures the essence of the spooky season.  The kills are shocking, the tension is almost unbearable at times, and I think this film benefits from one of the best endings the genre has produced.  It may not be all that complex and the deliberate pace and the lack of gore may disappoint some horror fans, but Halloween does everything right.  It's a classic film from a gifted director and it should be mandatory viewing for any respectable horror fan as the end of October draws nigh.

Carpenter scored big with this tense chiller that put Jamie Lee Curtis on the map.

How did it all go so wrong?  Little Mikey seemed like such a nice kid.

Top 5 Wes Craven Movies

Wes Craven was undoubtedly one of the most legendary creators ever to make his mark on the horror genre.  This amazing director gave us two of the biggest and baddest franchises in that realm and he was also directly responsible for a number of fright flicks that will be cherished for years to come.  Anyone who lived through the 80s (quite possibly the greatest decade ever) is well aware of this, and Craven was still making waves when grunge hit the scene--and beyond!  I hope you enjoy this tribute to a true master's work, a Top 5 where I discuss my favorite offerings from the one and only Wes Craven.

#5) Red Eye (2005)

Craven is best known for movies about things that go bump in the night, but this tense thriller is one of his coolest features.  It doesn't hurt that the leads are Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams, two top-notch performers who made the most of an exciting script.  Murphy is menacing and manipulative as the villain, while McAdams makes for a gutsy heroine who is intelligent and surprisingly tough.  Most of the film concerns these two playing a nice game of cat-and-mouse while seated beside one another on a red eye flight, but the picture never suffers from the sort of strain that often undermines tales that unfold in a compact environment.  Red Eye is clever and inventive from start to finish and it is bolstered by a nifty score courtesy of Marco Beltrami.  For his part, the director deftly explores his primary characters and the frightening situation that pits them against one another while keeping his foot on the pedal and constantly ratcheting up the tension until the gripping finale.  Red Eye was a bit of a departure for this horror maestro, but he did a fine job with it and I think it is worthy of the #5 spot on this list.  As we move forward, we'll turn our attention to the scary movies that Wes Craven is best known for, but this underrated flight into suspense from 2005 was surely a worthy addition to his legacy.

Craven does a fine job as director, but perhaps the biggest strengths of
Red Eye are Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams as the stars of the picture.

. . .

#4) The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

In 1977, Craven gave us The Hills Have Eyes, a horrific voyage into violence and terror.  The film concerns a fairly typical family on vacation who take a little detour into the California desert.  Yes, there's an old man who warns them of danger, telling them to stay on the main road.  Yes, they wind up stranded in an eerie expanse of rock and sand where cannibalistic savages lurk.  The sun sets and bloody horror ensues.  Craven is working with a strong script (he wrote it) and he does a great job with the mood and the atmosphere.  Additionally, though Dee Wallace and Michael Berryman are present in early roles, most of the cast consisted of unknowns, and the director was still able to wring sound performances out of them.  The Hills Have Eyes is exceptionally violent, and the family at the center of the picture is brutalized to such an extent that they damn near become monsters themselves.  Those who survive this grisly shocker will emerge with bloody hands and broken minds, and the carnage is laced with quality scares.  It's a simple picture, to be honest, and this film surely came at a time when Wes wasn't working with anything resembling a big budget.  However, the end result is a thrilling and disgusting tale of death and destruction that resonated with audiences.  In fact, The Hills Have Eyes was successful enough to generate a less potent sequel, and a modern reboot took the brutality to new heights and generated a less potent sequel of its own.  It's not classic Craven; he was still earning his stripes at this point, but it is one hell of a horror film and it clearly signified that the director was going to be a tremendous presence in the genre.

Savage and terrifying, The Hills Have Eyes is an ominous chiller
that features a wealth of violence and a handful of big scares.

. . .

#3) The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)

Here's a fantastic chiller from Craven that is often overlooked despite the fact that it is one of his most ambitious films.  Starring Bill Pullman, The Serpent and the Rainbow is a wicked fright flick that concerns an anthropologist who travels to Haiti to investigate claims that a man has been raised from the dead.  Arriving during a revolution, Pullman's Dennis Alan soon finds himself embroiled in a sinister saga that is ripe with political intrigue and black magic.  Zakes Mokae excels as the villain of the piece, a fiendish madman who wields both the powers of tyranny and voodoo.  The Serpent and the Rainbow is loosely based on a book by botanist Wade Davis (a Harvard graduate) and is thereby billed as being "based on a true story" despite the fact that it doesn't adhere closely to the original text and the book itself was heavily criticized by the scientific community upon release.  Regardless, the picture is filled with spooky imagery and boasts a number of sequences that are guaranteed to make audiences squirm.  Perhaps the most gripping scene in The Serpent and the Rainbow is alluded to in the poster and most of the marketing materials for the picture, and Craven doesn't disappoint when it's time to bury Bill Pullman alive.  In addition to being scary and provocative, this one is surprisingly exciting and moves at a faster pace than many horror films.  The top two spots on my list are reserved for a pair of Craven's grandest successes, films that every fan of the genre will recognize, but the #3 spot belongs to this creepy little trip to Haiti.  Warning: the next time you drop in, don't ask the local witch doctor to show you how to make a zombie.

In The Serpent and the Rainbow, Bill Pullman plays
an anthropologist who has the time of his life in Haiti.

. . .

#2) Scream (1996)

Now, there are some who believe that Craven and screenwriter Kevin Williamson revolutionized the horror genre with this witty slasher flick in 1996.  I'm not one of those people, but I love Scream nonetheless.  I dig the entire series, to be honest, and I do love the way the characters in these films are so aware of the standard tropes that so many pictures in this vein employ.  Smart, edgy, and funny?  Yes.  Riveting and bloody?  Sure thing.  Revolutionary?  Well, I don't know about all that, but I'm still a big fan and I'm putting the first (and best) entry in this series at #2 on my list.  The cast is stellar and Williamson gave Craven one of the coolest scripts that he would ever get to work with.  The first scene is one of the finest openings in the history of the genre and the picture never loses steam.  Scream is ripe with gory kills, big laughs, and shocking twists.  What's not to love?  Neve Campbell offered up a performance worthy of Jamie Lee Curtis and would continue to thrill audiences in all four of the movies this franchise has produced to date.  David Arquette and Courtney Cox also excelled in what may be their finest big-screen roles, and the same case could probably be made for both Mathew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich if Lillard wasn't born to play Shaggy.  Scream isn't Craven's masterpiece (I imagine all of you who are reading this know where I'm going at #1), but it is one of the best slasher flicks of all time.  While it may not be the best slasher flick out there, I'm pretty sure that it is probably the most entertaining slasher flick of them all, and it is surely a fine example of a fantastic director producing a great film in a genre that he cherished.  

Anyone who enjoys a good horror film (and slasher flicks in particular)
should have a bloody good time with Wes Craven's Scream.

. . .

#1) A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

True story: the first A Nightmare on Elm Street is a genuine horror classic.  A first-rate slasher flick needs a fearsome villain, right?  Freddy is a demented icon, though later pictures would turn him into a bit of a clown.  That doesn't matter, for A Nightmare on Elm Street doesn't require Freddy to play for laughs the whole time--he cracks wise here and there, but there's no doubt that he's out for blood.  The Freddy that we meet in this landmark venture is vicious and creepy in equal measures.  A classic horror flick needs an epic score, right?  We've got one here.  What about some grisly kills?  The wicked mayhem that unfolds in this one is very creative and very, very bloody.  We also need a good cast and a strong heroine (dudes can apply for the gig, but it typically works better when we give this part to a chick in slasher fare) to round things out, and once again, A Nightmare on Elm Street is firing on all cylinders.  Hey look, it's John Saxon!  We just raised the ante in a big way, folks.  Yes, Wes Craven was at his very best as a director when he was at the helm for this smash hit, a picture that continues to scare audiences worldwide.  It remains one of the best slasher flicks of all time--if not the very best.  Only Halloween could present a legitimate challenge on that front.  In fact, A Nightmare on Elm Street is so twisted and so expertly plotted that some might chafe at the fact that I've labelled it a slasher flick, but I love slasher flicks so I don't consider that to be a slight.  Regardless, it's a big winner, and I have no problem giving this motion picture the highest of grades.  Wes Craven was a great director and the horror genre won't be the same without him.  A Nightmare on Elm Street was his finest motion picture, and it's a movie that will continue to haunt audiences for years to come.

Over 30 years after it was originally released, this legendary
gem from Wes Craven is still giving horror fans nightmares.

Short Attention Span Review: Silent Rage (1982)

An attempt to blend a slasher film with a Chuck Norris action flick, Silent Rage is surely a mixed bag, but it is a highly entertaining mixed bag.  It does many things extremely well and it does many things just as poorly.  Thankfully, it starts and finishes with grand flourishes and this makes the movie's shortcomings easier to digest.  In the interest of full disclosure, I will note that some of these shortcomings do venture into the realm of unintentional comedy; the romantic subplot is a genuine disaster, and the Stephen Furst stuff* is damn near unbearable.  However, the horror bits are both the backbone and the best parts of Silent Rage.  In addition to some quality suspense and a handful of nifty jolts, the slasher aspect of the picture yields several wicked action scenes pitting our man Chuck against a murderous madman who cannot be killed.  Of course, there's also a totally needless subplot pitting Chuck against a biker gang in the early going that leads to one quality brawl but ultimately seems out of place.  Like I said at the start, it's a mixed bag.  After that rock solid opening sequence, the movie flounders until psycho killer John Kirby (played by Brian Libby) rises from the dead as the result of a forbidden experiment gone awry.  This unstoppable madman proceeds to wreak havoc and there's a significant portion of Silent Rage where Kirby stalks Ron Silver (in a rare sympathetic role) and his wife.  These sequences are incredibly intense and boast the film's biggest scare.  There's a bit of cat-and-mouse shortly thereafter in a hospital that is also riveting, and the big finale is very satisfying.  The final shot is a standard genre trick, but it is executed to perfection and ends the film on a horrific note.  If the movie were more focused on delivering on its premise and less interested in forcing romance and comedy into the mix, Silent Rage might have been a minor classic.  As it is, it still stands as one of Chuck's very best, and I would honestly rate this one as my favorite movie in his catalog given my horror jones and the strength of the parts of the movie that work.

Final Grade: B+

*As Charlie the dopey deputy, Stephen Furst bombs in a big way.  His efforts at providing comedic relief fall flat and the very presence of his character is easily the movie's biggest shortcoming.  I can't be the only one who shakes my head at the way Chuck Norris constantly assures this poor excuse for a human being that he has what it takes to be a good lawman.  Making matters worse, the end result of this exercise in poor judgment is a gruesome demise for Charlie that subsequently requires Chuck to tenderly cradle the big dumbass in his arms for a tearful goodbye.  If you can imagine that scene being anything less than an affront to acting, you have a fabulous imagination and you should definitely start your own blog.

Chuck Norris may be the film's big selling point, but the tense and
frightening aspects of Silent Rage are the picture's biggest strengths.

Short Attention Span Review: Halloween III (1982)

 

Here we go again.  I know, I know, Micheal Myers isn't in this one and it's all kinds of cheesy.  I'm supposed to hate it, right?  Well, apparently this is yet another of those movies that I'm not supposed to like that I actually do like.  Apparently, Carpenter had this idea that they could churn out a new Halloween every year, but he wanted each to be an individual horror yarn taking place on the ghoulish holiday.  I think that's a great idea, but neither Michael Myers nor his legions of rabid fans were interested.  So, we got lots of Halloween movies revolving around the psycho killer in the bleached William Shatner mask and this one oddity that strays from that formula.  And what an oddity it is!  The plot features such bizarre elements as robots, mad scientists, Stonehenge, and killer Halloween masks.  It's a bit of a departure from standard slasher fare, right?  Halloween III stars underrated genre vet Tom Atkins, who does a fine job in the lead role, though the the pointless love story inserted into the mix doesn't do him any favors.  Not only is he far older than his female co-star, but they lack chemistry and we're supposed to buy into their efforts to find time to scrog when they're supposed to be saving all the little children.  Of course, there are other elements of the movie that make less sense, so I digress.  There's also the Silver Shamrock commercial that appears repeatedly throughout Halloween III and is guaranteed to drive the audience mad.  Yes, it's a bad movie, but it's fun to watch and it has moments.  Hell, given all the crazy shit being thrown at the screen in this 1982 romp, some of it was bound to entertain.

Finale Grade: C

"Robots?  Stonehenge?  No Micheal Myers?  What the hell is this shit?"

Short Attention Span Review: No One Lives (2012)

No One Lives is far from perfect.  There are plot holes, some of the acting is rather questionable, the editing is uneven in places, and there's a bit of confusion here and there as to the overall tone of the picture.  Is it a cheesy thrill ride with no soul or a legitimate horror film exploring some dark themes?  There are times when gifted director Ryûhei Kitamura (Versus, Godzilla: Final Wars, The Midnight Meat Train) doesn't seem to know for sure, but viewers will quickly realize that this one is a campy frightfest that shouldn't be taken too seriously.  As such, it mostly succeeds in spite of its flaws.  How does it manage to do that?  Well, the movie's biggest strength is surely Luke Evans as the dude who should not have been fucked with, a cool and calculated killer who gets all of the flick's best lines.  I'm really starting to like this cat and even if No One Lives is a B-rate horror movie, this could be the best part that he has been given.  Of course, he has also played Zeus and Dracula (Dracula Untold), so it's not like Hollywood is giving him the shaft. Anyway, in this movie a gang of redneck crooks make the mistake of messing with the smooth and inventive villain played by Evans, thereby turning a demented murderer into the hero of a wild and exciting feature.  Sick and mean-spirited, No One Lives isn't for everyone, but gorehounds and those with a dark sense of humor won't be disappointed.  Evans dispatches his foes with style and this bizarro slasher movie cranks out some wildly creative kills.  The picture is dripping with blood and the effects are surprisingly solid.  No One Lives rockets along, seldom pausing for anything other than a ghoulish joke, a jolt of action, or a wicked death scene.  It isn't a great movie, but the right type of person will have a great time with this gruesome oddity.

Final Grade: C+

Luke Evans gets bloody in No One Lives.

Short Attention Span Review: Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

When you dig horror as much as I do, you wind up picking favorites.  My favorite series has always been the Friday the 13th series.  Well, it's actually the Phantasm series, but given that it doesn't boast nearly as many films as the various other series that we horror fans know and love, I don't know if it's fair to include it.  Anyway, after reading that, you're probably thinking that I must not have a whole lot of love for Freddy.  Not true, not true at all.  I dig Freddy a lot.  Okay, a lot of the sequels are pretty damn silly, but my favorite Friday the 13th is Freddy vs. Jason (yes, it counts), and the first Nightmare on Elm Street from 1984 is a genuine horror classic.  To be fair, there are some other worthwhile entries in this series, but Wes Craven set the bar too damn high with this terrifying gem.  Maybe the sequels had such a hard time keeping up simply because this movie does everything right.  A good slasher flick needs a fearsome villain, right?  Freddy is a demented masterpiece in that regard, though later pictures would turn him into a bit of a clown.  We need an epic score too, don't we?  We've got one here.  What about some grisly kills?  The wicked mayhem that unfolds in this iconic venture is very creative and very, very bloody.  We also need a good cast and a strong heroine (dudes can apply for the gig, but it typically works better when we give this part to a chick in slasher fare) to round things out, and once again, Nightmare on Elm Street delivers the goods.  Wes Craven was at his very best as a director when he was at the helm for this genuine smash hit, a picture that continues to scare audiences worldwide.  Having watched it again this weekend, I can assure you that it has legitimate staying power, and it remains one of the best slasher flicks of all time--if not the very best.  In fact, it's so inventive and so expertly plotted that some might chafe at the fact that I've labelled it a slasher flick, but I love slasher flicks so I don't consider that to be a slight.  Regardless, it's a big winner, and whether I favor another series or two over the Nightmare on Elm Street films or not, I have no problem giving this landmark motion picture the highest of grades.

Final Grade: A+

Bonus Points: John Saxon!  I'm sorry, dude was Roper in Enter the Dragon.  Any movie he's in gets bonus points for giving him a part.

Freddy's great at nightmares and terrible at foreplay.

Ranking the Friday the 13th Films

For me, this means any film featuring my man Jason Voorhees.  I'm a lifelong fan of the horror genre, and the Friday the 13th series is one of my personal favorites.  I've always had a soft spot for these gems, maybe because I grew up in the sticks and camping has always been something that I enjoy.  I definitely think Jason is better than Freddy, and though I may ultimately favor the Phantasm series, sample size is definitely a win for the Friday the 13th camp.  Anyway, here's how I would rank the movies:

1) Freddy vs. Jason (2003) - In my humble opinion, it's easily the most entertaining entry for either of these beloved franchises.  Seeing Jason play the hero in the closing reel is pretty epic as well, and that throwdown rocks!

2) Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981) - Brutal stuff.  It opens with the lead from the first one biting the dust and never lets up.  It's short, scary, and one of my favorite slasher films from the '80s--the decade of the slasher flick.

3) Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) - Some think this is a cheesy affair, and maybe they're right, but it's also kooky and creepy.  I dig it. 

4) Friday the 13th Part 3 (1982) - This one is definitely cheesy, but it's also a solid entry that I really enjoy.  Love the disco version of the theme song!!!!

5) Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) - Cheesy again, but also damn entertaining.  Thom Mathews from Return of the Living Dead shines as the hero, and this probably has the best opening scene in the series.  I'm also a big fan of the conclusion.

6) Jason X (2001) - Sorry, I love it.  Great kills, cool story, utterly ridiculous.  Sounds like a good time, right?

7) Friday the 13th (1980) - I have to give the original some love.  This is where it all began, and it's one of the most sincere and unique efforts in the series.

8) Jason Goes to Hell (1993) - This one is a lot of fun and it has some nice effects.  Some of my friends might put it at the top of their list.

9) Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) - I should probably rank this one a bit higher; it is a really good entry, and I'm very fond of it.  These lists are never easy to put together because of choices like this.

10) Friday the 13th (2009 - reboot) - I actually like it, but it doesn't quite fit and it obviously didn't rejuvenate the franchise like they had hoped.  Dude throwing down with Jason at the end doesn't quite work for me either, and the archery shit is dumb.  That aside, there are some solid kills, and the prick ranks among the best pricks in the series.  That has to count for something, right?  The opening is intense as hell, but it stumbles a lot after that.

11) Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) - It's hard for me to include this one.  It's not that good, and it doesn't feel like it belongs at all.  Truthfully, I like it much more now than I did then, but I still don't like it. 

12) Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) - Pure shit.  Maybe the worst ending of any horror film in the history of horror films.  Jason should have killed the writer and the director instead.