Short Attention Span Review: Suspiria (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Suspiria (2018)

Someone I know heralded this remake/reboot of Dario Argento's most beloved motion picture as superior to the original.  He did go on to say that given how far it strays from the 1977 cult classic, this should have been crafted as something else altogether.  "If that were the case," he said with the utmost confidence, "We would all be hailing this as a genuine masterpiece."  Full disclosure: this guy is clearly an idiot.  Of course, some of you liked Hereditary, so maybe shitshows are en vogue these days.  I don't know.  But I do know this: the 2018 Suspiria is a monumental clusterfuck with only a few stunning flourishes to offer any enjoyment for those who suffer through this master class in turd burglary.  This is far too little for me to submit any sort of recommendation, for while there are a handful of pieces to the puzzle that sizzle, they are few and far between.  And they are buried in a plodding and nonsensical affair that tries so very hard to be grandiose and transformative that it renders itself overwrought and tedious.  In many ways, it's a joke, a really bad joke, like a dad joke that has died and gone to hell.  The director has no feel for the material, and the cast and crew are betrayed by a script that is a mess when it aims for intrigue and a bit of a bore when it strives for excitement, save a few instances that must have been accidental forays into entertainment.  Remember the score for the original Suspiria?  Of course you do, Goblin's dizzying array of energy and brilliance were among that startling shocker's greatest strengths.  This time out, we get a softer approach from Thom Yorke of Radiohead, and I think this take on the material could best be described as one basic bitch of a score.  I would categorize the whole thing as abysmal, but I don't want to insult any abysses.  Friends, let me put it to you like this: Luca Guadagnino's Suspiria is like a reboot of John Wick directed by Steven Soderbergh that runs nearly three hours long and only dishes out six minutes of action.  And there is an entirely pointless subplot that constantly drags the whole sorry affair even further into tedium wherein Keanu's titular surrogate pulls double duty in a second role as an old woman with feeble ties to the plot.  And we're not supposed to know it's the same performer in another role, but it is painfully obvious and only makes this particular ingredient and the recipe as a whole less appetizing.  And those who like the original John Wick and those who don't give a shit about John Wick alike can only wonder why they bothered to waste their time with this hypothetical piece of shit.  Though, in fairness, any hypothetical piece of shit is better than the 2018 Suspiria in my book, because I can't really waste 152 minutes of my life watching a hypothetical piece of shit, can I?

Final Grade: F for "Fuck this."

This clip from the film stands as a perfect metaphor for the joy I experienced while watching director  Luca Guadagnino's valiant effort to deeply insult anyone and everyone who enjoys the original.  Personally, I'm ready to throw hands.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #6) Deep Red (1975)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)
#18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)
#17) Alien (1979) 
#16) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
#15) Suspiria (1977) 
#14) Phantasm (1979)
#13) Evil Dead 2 (1985)
#12) Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) 
#11) The Descent (2005)
#10) Fright Night (1985)
#9) Halloween (1978)
#8) Return of the Living Dead (1985)
#7) An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Dario Argento strikes again!  Seriously, these days the dude can't make a decent movie to save his life, but there was a time when he was a force to be reckoned with.  This is his finest achievement, a robust offering that is well-loved by many and yet vastly underrated.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #6) Deep Red (1975)

Dario Argento used to make top-notch horror films; he was known for his deft use of a moving camera and his lively color palettes which served to inject a surreal element into his work.  Dario was no stranger to gore either, and he had a serious jones for twisted plots.  Though he has completely lost his ability to make a quality film in this day and age, Argento was lighting up the screen with sensational chillers and gruesome thrillers in the 70s and 80s.  In my personal opinion, while Suspiria will always be more popular, this is his finest film.  Suspiria was #15 on my list and it is surely a top-shelf horror film, but for my money, Deep Red is more exciting and far more fulfilling.  While Suspiria is a fairy tale of sorts, Deep Red is a blood-curdling mystery that is equal parts slasher flick and ghost story, though to label it as either would be inaccurate.  David Hemmings stars as a pianist who witnesses a horrific murder without being able to identify the killer.  Soon, he and an intrepid reporter (the wonderful Daria Nicolodi as Gianna Brezzi) are trying to solve a vicious mystery that reaches into the past.  As they work to uncover the truth, the death toll rises and it becomes quite clear that they are in great danger.  Stellar cinematography, an amazing score by Goblin, and one of Argento's most inventive plots come together in Deep Red, an elaborate whodunit that is full of scares and twists.  Finally, while there can be no doubt that the death scenes in Suspiria are sick and demented, the murders that occur in Deep Red may be even more disturbing. 

The moral of the story?  If you witness a brutal murder, do yourself a favor and leave the subsequent investigation to the police.

A spectacular score, gruesome kills, and creepy imagery are among Deep Red's many highlights.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #14) Phantasm (1979)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)
#18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)
#17) Alien (1979) 
#16) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
#15) Suspiria (1977) 

Yes, Suspiria was a strange one, but this next one may be even stranger.  We're sticking with the late 70s theme we've got going, and the time has come to throw down with sinister dwarfs and a ghastly mortician armed with deadly spheres that suck people's brains out.  That's right, peeps, it's time we got our Phantasm on.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #14) Phantasm (1979)

Phantasm isn't just one of the strangest horror films out there, it's also one of the coolest.  How often do you get to see a movie where a gutsy ice cream man who plays a mean guitar goes toe to toe with a terrifying mortician from another dimension?  Delightful, right?  Our main characters are an exuberant teenage boy whose brother may or may not be dead, said brother/ghost/I'm-not-sure-what, and Reggie the ice cream vendor, one of the horror genre's most beloved heroes.  While Reggie Bannister absolutely kills it as Reggie (all of the leads in this flick have the same first name as their character), Angus Scrimm dominates the proceedings as the villainous mortician, known simply as "The Tall Man."  Scrimm's work here is so unique and so totally on point that he grounds this delirious flick and keeps audiences riveted throughout all the strange twists and turns that Phantasm takes on the way to a wonderfully bizarre conclusion.  The effects are solid, the score is epic, I treasure the performances, and the script and the direction c/o Don Coscarelli are extremely exciting and expertly realized.   This movie has everything going for it, and it delivers the goods--Phantasm is an awesome blend of scares, chuckles, and crazy shit.  That gonzo finale gives way to one last big scare, cementing Phantasm's status as an iconic horror film that has inspired several sequels aimed to please a rabid fanbase that is still clamoring for more.  I have been a big fan of this film (and Coscarelli's output in general) for most of my life, and I can't imagine putting together a list like this without including Phantasm.

Wildly inventive and incredibly entertaining, Phantasm is a groovy cult classic like no other.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #15) Suspiria (1977)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)
#18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)
#17) Alien (1979) 
#16) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) 

So far, we've been hanging with monsters, werewolves, zombies, and aliens.  Today, we keep the late 70s motif that started at #17 alive and invite some witches to the party.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #15) Suspiria (1977)

Suspiria, a gruesome nightmare that many consider the finest example of Italian horror, is one of two such pictures to make my list.  The other is also directed by Dario Argento, a gifted filmmaker who spent much of the 70s and 80s churning out stunning motion pictures before descending into mediocrity in the 90s and beyond.  This inventive yarn is a dark fairy tale of sorts, with a roving camera and a bold color palette which give the picture a surreal tone that is positively enchanting.  The score by Goblin is one of the most striking scores that the horror genre has ever been blessed with, and the bloody effects work is top-notch.  The script is simple but effective; Jessica Harper's Suzy Bannion travels to a prestigious dance school where something is seriously amiss.  After a number of grisly murders occur and our heroine starts to investigate some spooky shenanigans taking place, Suzy discovers that the academy is merely a front for a coven of witches.  Argento was at his peak here, and the ominous atmosphere and the outright terror that he is able to conjure up throughout this fascinating picture is damn impressive.  Some of the kills in this movie are incredibly disturbing, and there are a handful of less violent sequences in the mix that are ridiculously creepy.  The cast performs well, with Harper giving her best performance and genre vet Udo Kier popping up in a brief but welcome part.  Despite his recent misfires, of which there are many, I still consider Dario Argento a legend in the realm of horror cinema for his incredible body of work--and Suspiria undoubtedly ranks among his very best.  In fact, while I favor another picture (those who follow my blog closely are already aware of this, but the rest of you will have to wait and see), most probably consider this to be his greatest achievement.

I'm not sure which of Suspiria's potent assets is more impressive, Dario's deft camera work or the surreal color palette.

Short Attention Span Review: Deep Red (1975)

Yesterday, I reviewed one of Fulci's better movies (City of the Living Dead), so today I'm turning my attention to another notable Italian director who made his name in the horror genre.  While Fulci was celebrated for his excessive use of gore, Dario Argento was better known for his deft use of a moving camera and the way his creative cinematography and lively color palettes served to inject a surreal element into his work.  Dario was no stranger to gore either, and he also shared Fulci's enthusiasm for twisted plots.  Though he has completely lost his ability to make a decent film in this day and age, Argento was lighting up the screen with sensational chillers and gruesome thrillers in the 70s and 80s.  In my personal opinion, Deep Red may just be his best feature, though Suspiria will always be more popular.  Hey, that's okay--Suspiria is a top-shelf horror film, but for my money, Deep Red is more riveting and far more fulfilling.  While Suspiria is a fairy tale of sorts, Deep Red is a blood-curdling mystery that is equal parts slasher flick and ghost story, though to label it as either would be inaccurate.  David Hemmings stars as a pianist who witnesses a horrific murder without being able to identify the killer.  Soon, he and an intrepid reporter (the wonderful Daria Nicolodi as Gianna Brezzi) are trying to solve a vicious mystery that reaches into the past.  As they work to uncover the truth, the death toll rises and it becomes quite clear that they are in great danger.  Stellar cinematography, an amazing score by Goblin, and one of Argento's most inventive plots come together in Deep Red, an elaborate whodunit that is full of scares and twists. 

Final Grade: A

In Deep Red, David Hemmings is drawn into a savage mystery.  As he tries to unravel
a brutal murder, bodies continue to pile up until this shocker reaches a grim conclusion.

Top 10 Bizarre Horror Movies from the 70s for Toptenz.net

So, I found this really awesome site that specializes in cool lists, Toptenz.net.  You guys know that I dig lists, so it should come as no surprise that I felt the need to contribute.  With that in mind, do yourself a favor and scope out the 10 Bizarre Horror Movies from the 70s piece that I put together for them.  I would absolutely love it if you could check the story out, share your thoughts, and spread the word.  I had a blast with this one and I would love to contribute additional lists to the site.  You know I'm having a good time when I get to write sentences like "It doesn’t take long for our hero’s investigation to lead him to a telepathic Christ-like hippie with a glowing face and a vagina on his side."  Who doesn't have fun with stuff like that?

Okay, pipe down, anti-telepahtic Christ-like hippie with a glowing face and a vagina on his side people, you've made your point.

The rest of you head on over to TopTenz and check it out.

Exhibit A: a telepathic Christ-like hippie with a glowing face and a vagina on his side