Short Attention Span Review - Stone Cold (1991)

Short Attention Span Review - Stone Cold (1991)

Stone Cold is one of those action movies they used to make in the 80s and 90s that somehow straddled the line between sick thrillers and cringeworthy farces.  You know the type--movies like Cobra, Commando, and pretty much everything worthwhile Jean Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal starred in during that time frame.  Stone Cold is a basic bitch, to be sure, with a cookie-cutter plot that never swerves when it can run down a familiar trope or throw a "twist" at the screen that we've seen no more than a thousand times in similar pictures.  At the forefront of all this predictable carnage is the Boz, making his motion picture debut.  You know what?  Dude wasn't half bad.  While he would go on to star in several far cheaper productions over the years, I always thought this one should have established him as a bigger star.  Alas.  However, he wasn't on par with the action movie heavyweights of the era, and he's not really the star attraction.  No, the reason this movie still works for me has nothing to do with the good side of the equation where the heroes and villains are concerned.  You see, Stone Cold features Lance Henriksen as "Chains," the sadistic leader of a violent biker gang looking to unleash hell with one of the most batshit crazy plans any villains real or imagined have ever concocted.  Like, totally batshit crazy.  So out there that I can't fathom what the endgame was--if this nonsense had worked, there would have been no escape for anyone involved.  It would have been outright war.  But it all makes for a lively third act, and Lance absolutely destroys it.  The picture comes alive in mystical ways every time he graces the screen, and the filmmakers wisely put him front and center often.  Bonus points: his right-hand man is played by William Forsythe, who damn near steals the show himself.  They say that a film is only as strong as its villain, and I'm here to say that this Henriksen/Forsythe pairing ranks among the best one-two punches we'ver ever been blessed with.  It doesn't hurt that the roles are audacious enough in their own right, giving both of these wicked cool thespians a lot to chew on.  And the action choreography is also a selling point--there are brawls, chases, shootouts, and explosions to spare, and Craig R. Baxley could light things up with the best of them.  Sue me, but I couldn't give two shits about a lot of big 90s films like Titanic or Forrest Gump, but I treasure Stone Cold.  That's how I'm wired, and if you like this blog, you probably enjoy this overlooked biker flick just as much as I do.

Final Grade: B+

Lance always puts on a good show, and he has played iconic parts in other bigger and better movies--but it is entirely possible that this was his strongest performance.

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

I recently sat down and rewatched this cult classic from 1992 for the first time in decades.  While it made only a minimal impact on cable and in the rental industry, I recalled it fondly.  Truth be told, it still holds up pretty well.  Star Rutger Hauer makes the most of a brazen part, throwing himself into the role of Harley Stone, a true loose cannon.  We often hear cops billed as such in films, but seldom see them behave like Hauer's Stone.  This guy constantly disobeys orders, chokes fellow officers who dare contradict him (with his captain looking on, no less), raids the armory, and essentially operates as a revenge-obsessed vigilante with a badge.  Alastair Duncan matches Hauer's intensity in the role of a timid sidekick who has also become a raging lunatic by the end of the movie.  Duncan's "big fucking guns" bit is the highlight of the picture.  What will ultimately make Split Second worthwhile for some and a disappointment to others is the kooky nature of this feature.  Split Second is equal parts brooding science fiction, guns-blazing action, and bloody horror.  The movie revolves around the pursuit of a fearsome killer who is ultimately revealed to be a gruesome hybrid of Venom and a Xenomorph.  Little to no explanation is given for this exciting but rather inexplicable development, and it certainly calls into question several aspects of the plot.  Like, the thing is ten feet tall and decidedly inhuman--how is it preying on people in bars without being seen, and why does it care about astrology and other human interests?  What's the deal with its psychic connection to a particular renegade cop?  Why does it toy with him while slaughtering everyone else?  In the end, it doesn't really matter, at least not to these filmmakers.  The effects are okay, the score is quality, the sets are good enough that one wishes more was made of the unique "futuristic London under water" environment, and the performances are remarkable.  Split Second is a B grade creature feature at heart, no doubt about it, but exceptional talent before the camera makes it stand apart from the pack.

Final Grade: B-

Hauer is totally unhinged in the lead role, and his presence is ultimately what makes Split Second memorable.

Short Attention Span Review: Ready Player One

Short Attention Span Review: Ready Player One (2017)

Ready Player One is such a treat for the eyes.  It's also maybe the biggest love letter to pop culture of the 80s and 90s that we've ever seen (sorry, Stranger Things), and it also gives both video games and gamer culture a lot of love.  With all that in mind, it's easy to overlook the two biggest reasons to make time for this whimsical thrill ride.  First, it's Spielberg at his very best, and in my humble opinion, it may be the most impressive motion picture he has directed since his heyday in the years this sci-fi marvel  holds in such high regard.  Secondly, it's a quality story that somehow manages to honor all the various forms of media at the forefront of the tale while underscoring how reality trumps fantasy.  The effects are absolutely stupendous, and all the pop culture icons that litter the screen are represented well.  Those of us who treasure the 80s and 90s will be awed by the multitude of easter eggs in the mix, and spotting these loving little shoutouts is almost as much as fun as enjoying the riches of the tale itself.  Some of the various love letters amount to much more than cameos, and the sequence where the characters enter a legendary horror film may be the highlight of the show.  Honestly, while this picture seems tailor-made for those of us who lived through the 80s and 90s or children whose parents have educated them well on the folklore of our youth, it is so vibrant and exciting that even those who don't grasp many of the references will be delighted.  Some may claim that it's more of an homage to pop culture or video games than it is an original story, but I think that's unfair.  It's a powerful tale (I thought it was roughly akin to Willy Wonka for this generation) that uses these elements to fabulous effect while clearly presenting viewers with a thrilling vision that enthralls and entertains in equal measures. 


Final Score: A

It's not just a love letter to video games and the pop culture of the 80s and 90s, it's also Grade A Spielberg.

Short Attention Span Review: The People Under the Stairs (1991)

Short Attention Span Review: The People Under the Stairs (1991)

Wes Craven was one of the biggest voices in horror for those of us fortunate enough to be fright fans in the 80s and 90s, and he kept on trucking until his demise in 2015.  The People Under the Stairs is his ode to that creepy house in the neighborhood that everyone speaks of in hushed tones, and it is one of his most energetic and offbeat pictures.  There are so many strange things happening in this particular house of horrors that the ghastly people under the stairs for whom the tale is named are merely bit players in a gleefully gory chiller.  It takes about ten minutes for Craven to establish the scenario and the next ninety minutes are devoted to some of the most outlandish and grisly carnage he ever captured on film.  While the supernatural elements that graced most of his spooky movies are absent from this shocker, it is no less frightening and perverse, and may even be a bit freakier than his typical fare.  This is largely due to our main heavies, a devious pair of sinister outcasts played to the hilt by Everett McGill and Wendy Robie.  Initially this demented couple register as more than a little quirky, but as the story progresses they go from kooky to sinister, and in the third act they graduate to vile, vicious, and unmistakably evil.  They do so with guns blazing, but neither performer crosses the thin line into parody, and they are the chief architects of this film's unique legacy.  However, young star Brandon Quintin Adams is also a great find, and both A.J. Langer and Sean Whalen aid him into providing the protagonists of this frightfest with a lot of heart, innocence, and courage.  These heroic adolescents are a far cry from the horny teenagers who so often occupied those roles in horror flicks from this era, and that is another big victory for The People Under the Stairs.  Maybe it runs just a bit too long, and maybe the ending goes off the rails a little here and there, but there can be no doubt that this is a wild ride from one of the genre's brightest minds.  Any horror fan should enjoy a trip to this house where strange terrors lurk behind every corner, but do leave your expectations at the door.  Craven surely broke new ground when he crafted this bloodthirsty oddity with a heart of gold.

Final Grade: B

As it turns out, the titular people under the stairs aren't the biggest threats in Wes Craven's subversive house of horrors.

Top 5 Wes Craven Movies

Wes Craven was undoubtedly one of the most legendary creators ever to make his mark on the horror genre.  This amazing director gave us two of the biggest and baddest franchises in that realm and he was also directly responsible for a number of fright flicks that will be cherished for years to come.  Anyone who lived through the 80s (quite possibly the greatest decade ever) is well aware of this, and Craven was still making waves when grunge hit the scene--and beyond!  I hope you enjoy this tribute to a true master's work, a Top 5 where I discuss my favorite offerings from the one and only Wes Craven.

#5) Red Eye (2005)

Craven is best known for movies about things that go bump in the night, but this tense thriller is one of his coolest features.  It doesn't hurt that the leads are Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams, two top-notch performers who made the most of an exciting script.  Murphy is menacing and manipulative as the villain, while McAdams makes for a gutsy heroine who is intelligent and surprisingly tough.  Most of the film concerns these two playing a nice game of cat-and-mouse while seated beside one another on a red eye flight, but the picture never suffers from the sort of strain that often undermines tales that unfold in a compact environment.  Red Eye is clever and inventive from start to finish and it is bolstered by a nifty score courtesy of Marco Beltrami.  For his part, the director deftly explores his primary characters and the frightening situation that pits them against one another while keeping his foot on the pedal and constantly ratcheting up the tension until the gripping finale.  Red Eye was a bit of a departure for this horror maestro, but he did a fine job with it and I think it is worthy of the #5 spot on this list.  As we move forward, we'll turn our attention to the scary movies that Wes Craven is best known for, but this underrated flight into suspense from 2005 was surely a worthy addition to his legacy.

Craven does a fine job as director, but perhaps the biggest strengths of
Red Eye are Cillian Murphy and Rachel McAdams as the stars of the picture.

. . .

#4) The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

In 1977, Craven gave us The Hills Have Eyes, a horrific voyage into violence and terror.  The film concerns a fairly typical family on vacation who take a little detour into the California desert.  Yes, there's an old man who warns them of danger, telling them to stay on the main road.  Yes, they wind up stranded in an eerie expanse of rock and sand where cannibalistic savages lurk.  The sun sets and bloody horror ensues.  Craven is working with a strong script (he wrote it) and he does a great job with the mood and the atmosphere.  Additionally, though Dee Wallace and Michael Berryman are present in early roles, most of the cast consisted of unknowns, and the director was still able to wring sound performances out of them.  The Hills Have Eyes is exceptionally violent, and the family at the center of the picture is brutalized to such an extent that they damn near become monsters themselves.  Those who survive this grisly shocker will emerge with bloody hands and broken minds, and the carnage is laced with quality scares.  It's a simple picture, to be honest, and this film surely came at a time when Wes wasn't working with anything resembling a big budget.  However, the end result is a thrilling and disgusting tale of death and destruction that resonated with audiences.  In fact, The Hills Have Eyes was successful enough to generate a less potent sequel, and a modern reboot took the brutality to new heights and generated a less potent sequel of its own.  It's not classic Craven; he was still earning his stripes at this point, but it is one hell of a horror film and it clearly signified that the director was going to be a tremendous presence in the genre.

Savage and terrifying, The Hills Have Eyes is an ominous chiller
that features a wealth of violence and a handful of big scares.

. . .

#3) The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)

Here's a fantastic chiller from Craven that is often overlooked despite the fact that it is one of his most ambitious films.  Starring Bill Pullman, The Serpent and the Rainbow is a wicked fright flick that concerns an anthropologist who travels to Haiti to investigate claims that a man has been raised from the dead.  Arriving during a revolution, Pullman's Dennis Alan soon finds himself embroiled in a sinister saga that is ripe with political intrigue and black magic.  Zakes Mokae excels as the villain of the piece, a fiendish madman who wields both the powers of tyranny and voodoo.  The Serpent and the Rainbow is loosely based on a book by botanist Wade Davis (a Harvard graduate) and is thereby billed as being "based on a true story" despite the fact that it doesn't adhere closely to the original text and the book itself was heavily criticized by the scientific community upon release.  Regardless, the picture is filled with spooky imagery and boasts a number of sequences that are guaranteed to make audiences squirm.  Perhaps the most gripping scene in The Serpent and the Rainbow is alluded to in the poster and most of the marketing materials for the picture, and Craven doesn't disappoint when it's time to bury Bill Pullman alive.  In addition to being scary and provocative, this one is surprisingly exciting and moves at a faster pace than many horror films.  The top two spots on my list are reserved for a pair of Craven's grandest successes, films that every fan of the genre will recognize, but the #3 spot belongs to this creepy little trip to Haiti.  Warning: the next time you drop in, don't ask the local witch doctor to show you how to make a zombie.

In The Serpent and the Rainbow, Bill Pullman plays
an anthropologist who has the time of his life in Haiti.

. . .

#2) Scream (1996)

Now, there are some who believe that Craven and screenwriter Kevin Williamson revolutionized the horror genre with this witty slasher flick in 1996.  I'm not one of those people, but I love Scream nonetheless.  I dig the entire series, to be honest, and I do love the way the characters in these films are so aware of the standard tropes that so many pictures in this vein employ.  Smart, edgy, and funny?  Yes.  Riveting and bloody?  Sure thing.  Revolutionary?  Well, I don't know about all that, but I'm still a big fan and I'm putting the first (and best) entry in this series at #2 on my list.  The cast is stellar and Williamson gave Craven one of the coolest scripts that he would ever get to work with.  The first scene is one of the finest openings in the history of the genre and the picture never loses steam.  Scream is ripe with gory kills, big laughs, and shocking twists.  What's not to love?  Neve Campbell offered up a performance worthy of Jamie Lee Curtis and would continue to thrill audiences in all four of the movies this franchise has produced to date.  David Arquette and Courtney Cox also excelled in what may be their finest big-screen roles, and the same case could probably be made for both Mathew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich if Lillard wasn't born to play Shaggy.  Scream isn't Craven's masterpiece (I imagine all of you who are reading this know where I'm going at #1), but it is one of the best slasher flicks of all time.  While it may not be the best slasher flick out there, I'm pretty sure that it is probably the most entertaining slasher flick of them all, and it is surely a fine example of a fantastic director producing a great film in a genre that he cherished.  

Anyone who enjoys a good horror film (and slasher flicks in particular)
should have a bloody good time with Wes Craven's Scream.

. . .

#1) A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

True story: the first A Nightmare on Elm Street is a genuine horror classic.  A first-rate slasher flick needs a fearsome villain, right?  Freddy is a demented icon, though later pictures would turn him into a bit of a clown.  That doesn't matter, for A Nightmare on Elm Street doesn't require Freddy to play for laughs the whole time--he cracks wise here and there, but there's no doubt that he's out for blood.  The Freddy that we meet in this landmark venture is vicious and creepy in equal measures.  A classic horror flick needs an epic score, right?  We've got one here.  What about some grisly kills?  The wicked mayhem that unfolds in this one is very creative and very, very bloody.  We also need a good cast and a strong heroine (dudes can apply for the gig, but it typically works better when we give this part to a chick in slasher fare) to round things out, and once again, A Nightmare on Elm Street is firing on all cylinders.  Hey look, it's John Saxon!  We just raised the ante in a big way, folks.  Yes, Wes Craven was at his very best as a director when he was at the helm for this smash hit, a picture that continues to scare audiences worldwide.  It remains one of the best slasher flicks of all time--if not the very best.  Only Halloween could present a legitimate challenge on that front.  In fact, A Nightmare on Elm Street is so twisted and so expertly plotted that some might chafe at the fact that I've labelled it a slasher flick, but I love slasher flicks so I don't consider that to be a slight.  Regardless, it's a big winner, and I have no problem giving this motion picture the highest of grades.  Wes Craven was a great director and the horror genre won't be the same without him.  A Nightmare on Elm Street was his finest motion picture, and it's a movie that will continue to haunt audiences for years to come.

Over 30 years after it was originally released, this legendary
gem from Wes Craven is still giving horror fans nightmares.

Short Attention Span Review: Blade (1998)

I'm not sure that Blade gets enough love these days.  I hear people talking about the number of box office hits that are based on comic book properties, and many seem to think that either the X-Men or Spider-Man really got things rolling for Marvel.  I have to disagree.  It was Wesley Snipes at his charismatic and ass-kicking best, looking cool and killing lots and lots of vampires in Blade.  Having recently sat down to rewatch this 1998 smash hit, I can tell you that it still has a lot of bite.  Snipes is perfect as the titular hero, and I feel bad for whoever is picked to fill his shoes when the inevitable reboot of this potent franchise arrives.  Kris Kristofferson borrows a page from the "cranky Nick Nolte" playbook and nails the part of our hero's gruff mentor, while Stephen Dorff shines as the villain.  The direction courtesy of Stephen Norrington is damn impressive, and the script by David S. Goyer is surely one of his better offerings.  Blade is an exciting blend of horror and action with a nice helping of martial arts mayhem.  In the years since it was produced, we've seen a number of horror/action hybrids hit the big screen.  I don't think that any of them are as entertaining as Blade, though the first Underworld comes close to rivaling this stellar picture.  Blade is a badass movie that is aging well and I am happy to recommend it to those who enjoy my blog.

Final Grade: A

Wesley Snipes is at his very best in Blade.

Short Attention Span Review: The Big Hit (1998)

A comedy masquerading as an action film, The Big Hit is a goofy flick that surely isn't as good as I think it is.  The story concerns a band of dimwitted assassins and centers on Mark Wahlberg as Melvin Smiley.  That's right, the main character is a fearless killer who survives a series of increasingly ludicrous action scenes, and his name is Melvin Smiley.  That should tell you almost everything you need to know about The Big Hit.  Silly, totally irrelevant, and bolstered by a great cast, this is one of those oddball movies that you come to treasure while wondering how the hell they ever got produced in the first place.  That being said, if you have a taste for the absurd, you'll laugh your ass off while watching The Big Hit.  Lou Diamond Phillips steals the show as the villain, delivering what is probably his best performance.  Look, I like Lou, so I don't mean that as an insult.  I'm dead serious.  He is positively hilarious here, and it's a part that would have tripped most actors up.  He totally gets it, and he owns the movie.  Plug someone else in his role and I might not even like this one--he's that good.  In addition to the laughs, which come fast and furious, there's also an abundance of violence in the movie, though it's so flamboyant and ridiculous that it would be fair to say that The Big Hit comes across as a live-action cartoon.  Buildings blow up, bullets litter the floor, and people are killed, but it all seems fairly lighthearted.  That sounds weird, doesn't it?  I guess it is.  It's definitely unique, it's definitely not for everyone, and I'm probably crazy for liking it as much as I do.  These reviews are all about keeping it real, though, and here's the inside scoop on my relationship with The Big Hit: I'm pretty sure that I love it.

Final Grade: B+

True Story: Lou Diamond Phillips should have won
an Oscar for his work as Cisco in The Big Hit.

Slayer!

I fell in love with Slayer in the 90s, so Seasons in the Abyss was my favorite album until God Hates Us All unleashed hell in 2001.  Anyway, I've always favored the newer stuff, and while I never disliked the older stuff, I didn't really spend an awful lot of time with it either.  Until recently.  I'm working on a new horror novel and I've been listening to a lot of Slayer while I work.  For whatever reason, it started with Hell Awaits, which I had never really listened to at all, leading to a greater appreciation of Reign in Blood.  Finally, it has brought me to South of Heaven, and I finally see what all the fuss is about.  I've always thought that South of Heaven was good, but I wasn't as keen on it as many of the band's fans are.  I'm still probably going to have to choose between Seasons in the Abyss and God Hates Us All when it's time to pick my favorite, but whereas I didn't fully grasp the South of Heaven camp's argument until recently, I totally get it it now. 

Parting shot: if you didn't already know this, when it comes to heavy metal there is Slayer and then there's everybody else.  That's just the way it is.  You don't have to like it, but it's indisputable.  Slayer is to metal what the Beatles were to classic rock.  True story.