Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

Maybe this isn't exactly high praise, but The Sword and the Sorceror is one of the best Conan clones released in the early 80s.  Yes, most of those pictures are atrocious, but the point stands.  Lurid and pulpy, this Albert Pyun venture doesn't take itself seriously despite the presence of traditional genre themes like vengeance, conquest, and destiny.  It is easy to imagine Pyun calling "cut" after takes and imploring his cast to add more cheese to their deliveries.  No one plays it straight, and Richard Lynch and Lee Horsley engage in a supreme duel to see who can ham it up the most in the two most important roles.  Namely, the hero and the villain, and I'm pretty sure you can guess which one is which.  We've got melodramatic music cues, shameless T&A, and bursts of extreme gore.  And you can't bring this movie up without referencing the sword with three blades, which may rank as the greatest of the absurdities in play.  Oh, and this sword with three blades can fire those blades as projectiles--and the effects work that allows this to transpire is just as meh as what you're picturing in your head.  That's an exception to the rule, however, as most of the effects in the picture are rather convincing.  That's more than I can say for the fight choreography, which is rugged and inspired, but not all that deft.  You know the drill: lots of aggressive strikes that are all too easy to block coupled with frenzied snarls.  Work it , boys.  Yeah, it is that kind of show.  But you know what?  It's far from dull, and in fact, it's pretty damn fun from start to finish.  There are even moments where it is rather incredible.  Also, I mentioned the gore earlier--as a horror junkie, I'm going to double down here.  The gore is a nice touch.  Livens things up nicely.  So, if you're going to dial up something of this ilk that isn't Conan the Barbarian or The Beastmaster, The Sword and the Sorceror is your only hope.  Pop open a frosty, and you may just enjoy the hell out of this bloody romp that thrives on cliches and machismo.

Final Grade: C+

Good old Talon and the three-bladed sword.  Silly as hell, yes, and also pretty fucking gnarly.

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Blood Fest is one of those fast-paced and energetic flicks that aim to pay homage to the slasher sub-genre while finding a few new wrinkles to explore along the way.  But there's no concerted effort to deliver some sort of classic, to join the ranks of Halloween or Scream.  And that, my friends, is a good thing.  In my humble opinion, there's no better way to muck up this beloved sub-genre than to start thinking franchise and legacy before you put one rock-solid film in the can.   Blood Fest has no illusions of grandeur, but it wants to shake and move from the first shot all the way to the last.  It peppers us with diabolical kills, laughs, cool characters to spare, and some gnarly sets and shenanigans.  It works in most of these areas far more often than it falters, and it really clicks where those characters are concerned.  I liked all of our principals, with a secondary character who was a misunderstood actor who had portrayed a slasher himself being my favorite.  This gave the picture a bit more importance than it may have warranted otherwise, and each kill hit me pretty hard.  In the average slasher flick, there are one or two characters you dig, a handful of characters you could care less about, and at least one schmuck who can't get offed soon enough.  This picture has a schmuck, to be sure, but beyond that, I really liked everyone else mired in this quirky struggle for survival.  The set-up worked, the effects were quality, the score was on point, and the talent in front of the camera and their peers toiling behind the camera all earned their pay.  Was it a great horror movie?  No, but that was never in the cards.  Was it a fun slasher flick that I can easily recommend to all of my readers?  Damn straight.  Job well done, Blood Fest.

Final Grade: B+

Bloody, fun, witty, and (most importantly) populated by likable characters, Blood Fest is a worthwhile slasher flick that this particular horror junkie slept on for far too long. 

Short Attention Span Review - The Psychic (1977)

Short Attention Span Review - The Psychic (1977)

I greatly enjoy Lucio Fulci's gruesome outings, landmark horror films where no eye is safe and the camera lingers lovingly on gaping wounds.  Much to my surprise, this 1977 effort is a wonderful example of Giallo, and while there are a couple of typical Fulci staples in play, it is far more subdued and . . . well, . . . sensible than much of his work.  To be perfectly clear, I think it ranks among the best of this rich subgenre for much of its runtime, and it boasts a particularly vivid and intriguing opening.  Jennifer O'Neill is a perfect choice for the heroine, and she carries the show from start to finish without missing a note.  Everything about this one is a winner, to include an excellent score and some particularly striking cinematography courtesy of the wonderful Sergio Salvati.  While someone looking for another grand gross-out from a man who made many of the best might find this far too tame for their liking, it is a wonderful surprise for those of us who also treasure these dastardly mysteries.  As always with such pictures, the emphasis on style and mood over substance and the desire for earth-shattering twists often results in a plot that is too convoluted for its own good.  Yet it never leans as far toward the absurd as many of its counterparts, and Fulci fans may be quite forgiving of any lapses in logic.  After all, Lucio liked shock and awe a lot more than plausibility, and this one never goes nearly as gonzo as legendary shockers like his The Beyond or City of the Living Dead.  I am going to highly recommend The Psychic (also known as Sette Note in Nero, or Seven Notes in Black) for those who dig Giallo as well as any Fulci fan, with those who want to see a different approach from this demented titan in particular.  You know what?  I'm going to take this a little farther and recommend The Psychic to anyone who digs the macabre at all.  I thought it was really damn good, and Fulci and O'Neill both worked hard to make this one twisted trip worth taking.

Final Grade: A

Jennifer O'Neill is sensational in this high quality giallo from a director better known for his gory shenanigans.

Short Attention Span Review - Galaxy of Terror (1981)

Short Attention Span Review - Galaxy of Terror (1981)

Last week, I reviewed Forbidden World, a low-budget horror/sci-fi/action hybrid from cult cinema icon Roger Corman.  This week, I went back to the archives for another exercise in schlock from this producer with a passion for exploitation, Galaxy of Terror.  To call this zany outing a superior effort to Forbidden World would be a tremendous understatement, but that still doesn't make it a good movie.  The big difference is entertainment value, with this kooky affair delivering a lot fun for a couple of distinct reasons.  First, there is a lot of creativity involved, both in terms of plot and craftsmanship.  Secondly, Galaxy of Terror is batshit crazy.  A minute in, the picture goes off the rails.  In truth, it wasn't until the very end that the movie made any sense, and it's still a bit of a mess.  Fast-paced, gory as hell, and operating with a minimum of character development, this oddity's real saving grace is the cast.  Genre faves like Robert Englund, Sid Haig, and Grace Zabriskie are on board, with solid performers like Eddie Albert and Ray Walston leading the way.  They are menaced by an assortment of ghoulies, with the effects work that brings these oddities to life varying from shabby to . . . well, not too shabby, I guess.  The production design is far more impressive, but that should come as no surprise: that's where the one and only James Cameron cut his teeth.  I most certainly could have done without seeing Taaffe O'Connell getting raped by a giant maggot (you read that correctly), a scene good old Roger views as a shining accomplishment.  And there were definitely about five cartwheels too many in the big finale.  What can I say?  Galaxy of Terror is trash, good people, but it's also a good time at the movies for the right kind of crowd--namely, my kind of crowd.

Final Grade: C-

Wonky, silly, and cheap, Galaxy of Terror is nonetheless an entertaining B movie with a nifty cast and an abundance of gore.

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

Short Attention Span Review - Forbidden World (1982)

I should have known better.  I really should have.  But the cover was so pulpy and colorful, and the packaging seemed to promise a good time at the movies courtesy of a cheeky horror flick.  And so I journeyed to Forbidden World.  I did not enjoy my stay there.  Look, I enjoy some low-budget affairs (heck, I consider myself a John "Bud" Cardos fan), but this film looked cheap, sounded cheap, and felt cheap.  It was a ripoff, but that doesn't necessarily doom a film in my book.  It was also more of a softcore extravaganza than a horror film or a science fiction film.  And you know what?  June Chadwick is very easy on the eyes.  But is there any such thing as a good softcore movie?  And, so help me, watching poor June and her equally enticing co-star Dawn Dunlap throw themselves at star Jesse Vint (no offense, but dude is a far cry from anything resembling a stud-muffin) proved harder to digest than the hokey effects.  So, you know, I'm sure some of the people involved tried.  Maybe they tried really hard.  But that doesn't change the fact that Forbidden World is a tacky clone based on a flimsy script, featuring some bad acting (this doesn't include dear June Chadwick going wild for Jesse Vint, which was frankly Oscar-worthy stuff), cheap sets, lousy effects, and even recycled footage.  The only thing this movie has going for it would be those hot chicks throwing down with some slightly below-average Joe with a laser pistol, and a heavy dose of gore.  And I kinda liked the score.  For some, that may be enough, but I thought it was trash.  Anyone out there looking to score a copy of Forbidden World on Blu-Ray?

Final Grade: D-

Okay, June Chadwick is sensational to look at, no doubt it, but that's just not enough to make a trip to this Forbidden World worthwhile.

Short Attention Span Review: Nightmare City (1980)

Short Attention Span Review: Nightmare City (1980)

Nightmare City is a rather glorious piece of shit.  There's a part of me (and it's not a small part) that wants to leave it at that.  That single statement would serve as a perfect review for this movie, yet I can't stifle the need to elaborate.  Nightmare City isn't just bad, it's very, very bad.  Okay, it's fucking horrible.  It is a perfect example of a cheap Italian horror movie, complete with an absurd script, weak acting, Z grade special effects, copious amounts of shoddy gore and pointless T&A, and characters who are largely defined by their need to make terrible decisions in moments of crisis.  The only thing missing is a laugh track.  But the whole thing is engineered (poorly) with such indisputable passion and vigor that it somehow rises above these shortcomings.  There are even a few areas where Nightmare City actually shines.  Umberto Lenzi directs this trash as well as trash can be directed, for one, and I do mean that as a compliment.  The score is both bonkers and sheer perfection; there could be no better score for this particular serving of cinematic garbage.  Finally, there's Hugo Stiglitz in the lead role.  Yes, dude is wooden as hell.  Yes, the script does him no favors.  Yes, he is legendary.  He seems like a mild-mannered reporter at first, but then the shit hits the fan, and our boy becomes a tough-talking, ass-kicking, and hard-drinking warrior of the apocalypse.  He kicks the shit out of zombies* (literally, his kick may not be all that impressive, but it sends several zombies flying), he throws axes, and he is comfortable mowing down undead ghouls with machine guns or hurling grenades at them.  He drinks whiskey and encourages his woman to stay strong and keep walking after he has firebombed their station wagon with a Molotov Cocktail*.  That's the kind of shit that happens in Nightmare City, peeps, and that's why we love movies like this.

*Okay, they're not actually zombies.  They're irradiated bloodsuckers who can run and wield weapons.

**This happens after the pair stop at a gas station and become surrounded while engaging in a philosophical debate about the pitfalls of modern society and the potential benefits of survival in a radioactive wasteland.  Yes, they should have fueled up and peeled out, but one of the writers went into message mode, so our boy Hugo just had to blow that fucking station wagon to bits and start stepping toward certain death.

Final Grade: B

It's not a special effects extravaganza, it's a straight up bullshit extravaganza.  And I loved it.  

Short Attention Span Review: Overlord (2018)

Short Attention Span Review: Overlord (2018)

Overlord is a bit generic in many ways, and it doesn't do anything particularly new or inventive, but it does a great many things very well.  First and foremost, the opening and closing reel are bombastic forays into nearly unheralded excitement coupled with a gore quotient that would make Sam Raimi blush.  In fact, there is also an outlandish energy present in these segments that Raimi could appreciate, though I'm not sure that he has every done anything this hardcore.  And while it is far from revolutionary, it did brighten my heart considerably given that I haven't seen this sort of bloody romp on the big screen in quite some time.  The filmmaking is superb, with the opening descent into chaos in particular sporting some inspired bits that are both perfectly realized and totally incredible.  Most importantly, while the picture is often an exercise in unbridled intensity and gruesome shenanigans, it also takes the time to build some strong characters.  Yes, they're types to a large extent, but they are given enough to do aside from enduring supernatural Nazi terror that we ultimately find them endearing.  Our heroes are likable for the most part, and easy enough to root for, and the villains are suitably despicable and intimidating.  The big standout here is Wyatt Russell, whose Ford is so committed to completing the mission that grim setbacks, overwhelming odds, and even demented experiments gone wrong never threaten his devotion.  He oozes both badass and coolness, and the character is damn near iconic.  On the whole, Overlord is a zany action/horror hybrid that never aims for sophistication or greatness.  No, it merely exists to entertain, and it never misses on that front, serving up a vivid rollercoaster ride with wild thrills and spooky atmosphere to spare.

Final Grade: B+

Wyatt Russell is on point as Ford, a first rate badass whose cool demeanor and unwavering toughness nearly lead the character into iconic territory. 

Short Attention Span Review: Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Short Attention Span Review: Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Only Sam Raimi could make a picture like Drag Me to Hell.  This bold and fast-paced horror movie boasts several great scares, some truly terrifying content, and the sort of gore that Lucio Fulci was famous for--and yet it is also brimming with big laughs and excitement.  Despite the utterly horrifying concept and several totally disgusting sequences, this isn't the type of horror flick that viewers should earn a merit badge for enduring.  Rather, it's incredibly fun, with a cartoonish tone and several winning performances that somehow complement all the disturbing elements.  It represents Raimi at his very best, and all of his staples are in play, most notably the fluid camera work that makes his films so invigorating and the physical and emotional turmoil that his main characters are subjected to.  Alison Lohman is terrific in the lead role, and proves just as capable of taking a beating, screaming, and getting her hands dirty as Raimi's leading man of choice, Bruce Campbell.  Justin Long does a nice job with a decent part that isn't as integral to the proceedings as one might wish until the haunting last frame, which solidifies Drag Me to Hell as one of the most daring big budget horror films to come down the pipeline.  I guarantee you that there were studio execs who desperately wanted to see a different conclusion, but this is Raimi's vision through and through.  While it may not be quite as fun as his Evil Dead trilogy and the gut-wrenching conclusion is telegraphed, it is hard to find fault with this outrageous shocker that packs a serious punch.

Final Grade: A-

Drag Me to Hell is a true smorgasbord--it offers thrills, chills, chuckles, and a wealth of excitement.

Short Attention Span Review: Masked Avengers (1981)

Short Attention Span Review: Masked Avengers (1981)

This one has all the necessary ingredients for a classic Shaw Brothers exercise in Kung Fu Treachery: Chang Cheh in the director's chair, key members of the Venom Mob in the cast, a sinister mood, and an abundance of gore.  Of course, it should go without saying that Masked Avengers is also enhanced by the colorful costumes and sets and the breathtaking choreography that make the Shaw Brothers library so worthwhile for connoisseurs like yours truly.  I would rank this among their more frightening offerings, and I think that the fact that the masked killers terrorizing the countryside in Masked Avengers are armed with tridents gives this one an advantage.  While Shaw Brothers movies are revered for their fight scenes, to include big brawls with multiple cast members and stellar weapons choreography, the use of tridents makes Masked Avengers rather unique.  The picture hits several familiar beats for fans of Chang Cheh's work, to include secret identities, deadly alliances, and characters whose motives remain murky until they finally pick a side in the grand finale.  Speaking of which, the big showdown that marks the conclusion of Masked Avengers has to rank among the studio's very best.  It's a real showstopper, and those who enjoy such fare will definitely be thrilled by this sadistic climax pitting terrifying villains against valiant heroes in a bloody battle that is thrilling and creative in equal measures. 

Final Grade: B+

Venom Mob + Chang Cheh + Gore + Superb Choreagraphy = Grade A Kung Fu Treachery

If you enjoy these pictures as much as I do, check out my reviews of other top shelf martial arts flicks from the Shaw Brothers:

Short Attention Span Review: Blood Brothers (1973)

Short Attention Span Review: Five Shaolin Masters (1974)

Short Attention Span Review: Crippled Avengers (1978)

Note: I didn't realize until I was digging up these links that I've apparently never reviewed the one Shaw Brothers classic that rules them all: The Five Deadly Venoms.  I promise my faithful readers that I will remedy this situation shortly.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #6) Deep Red (1975)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)
#18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)
#17) Alien (1979) 
#16) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
#15) Suspiria (1977) 
#14) Phantasm (1979)
#13) Evil Dead 2 (1985)
#12) Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) 
#11) The Descent (2005)
#10) Fright Night (1985)
#9) Halloween (1978)
#8) Return of the Living Dead (1985)
#7) An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Dario Argento strikes again!  Seriously, these days the dude can't make a decent movie to save his life, but there was a time when he was a force to be reckoned with.  This is his finest achievement, a robust offering that is well-loved by many and yet vastly underrated.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #6) Deep Red (1975)

Dario Argento used to make top-notch horror films; he was known for his deft use of a moving camera and his lively color palettes which served to inject a surreal element into his work.  Dario was no stranger to gore either, and he had a serious jones for twisted plots.  Though he has completely lost his ability to make a quality film in this day and age, Argento was lighting up the screen with sensational chillers and gruesome thrillers in the 70s and 80s.  In my personal opinion, while Suspiria will always be more popular, this is his finest film.  Suspiria was #15 on my list and it is surely a top-shelf horror film, but for my money, Deep Red is more exciting and far more fulfilling.  While Suspiria is a fairy tale of sorts, Deep Red is a blood-curdling mystery that is equal parts slasher flick and ghost story, though to label it as either would be inaccurate.  David Hemmings stars as a pianist who witnesses a horrific murder without being able to identify the killer.  Soon, he and an intrepid reporter (the wonderful Daria Nicolodi as Gianna Brezzi) are trying to solve a vicious mystery that reaches into the past.  As they work to uncover the truth, the death toll rises and it becomes quite clear that they are in great danger.  Stellar cinematography, an amazing score by Goblin, and one of Argento's most inventive plots come together in Deep Red, an elaborate whodunit that is full of scares and twists.  Finally, while there can be no doubt that the death scenes in Suspiria are sick and demented, the murders that occur in Deep Red may be even more disturbing. 

The moral of the story?  If you witness a brutal murder, do yourself a favor and leave the subsequent investigation to the police.

A spectacular score, gruesome kills, and creepy imagery are among Deep Red's many highlights.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)

Now it's time to talk about my next selection, the zombie film that started it all.  Seriously, I'm not in the mood for any of that White Zombie shit.  I love me some Bela Lugosi, but George Romero gave us the zombie sub-genre as we know it today.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)

This is one of two zombie movies from the legendary George Romero to make my list, and while Night of the Living Dead may not be his masterpiece, it remains eerie and effective all these years after its initial release.  Yes, we had seen zombies on the screen before, but never quite like this.  The shock and dismay that this bleak low-budget affair inspired gave birth to a sub-genre that has never been more popular that it is now, some 47 years after Night of the Living Dead hit the scene.  It remains potent because it was so raw, so stark, and because the man at the helm proved to be a genius.  The horror of the undead laying siege to a remote farmhouse where a few scrappy survivors have holed up also proved to be a terrific premise for exploring serious themes.  The very presence of Duane Jones in the lead role, not to mention his serious performance and the ultimate fate of his character--all of these things speak volumes about the period when the movie was made.  In fact, many of these notions still hold a great deal of relevance in this day and age.  Besides, despite the weight of these themes, the movie never suffers.  It is entirely possible that many viewers are oblivious to the commentary, for the picture quickly descends into a grim nightmare and it never fails to function as a gruesome chiller.   I'm a big fan of the zombie sub-genre (there are three* such pictures on my list, including this black and white gem, the best zombie film of them all, and Romero's epic improvement upon the formula he created) and this tense and relentless horror film is where the zombie as we know it was born.  Beyond that, it's a fantastic flick that surely warrants a spot on my list.

*Just so we're clear, deadites are NOT zombies.  

Board up the windows!  George Romero gave the zombie sub-genre life way back in 1968.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #19) The Howling (1981)

As I celebrate the month of October with all my fellow horror fanatics, I'm ranking my Top 20 Horror Movies for you.  Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986)

And now I'm pleased to unveil my latest selection, another spectacular horror movie from the 80s!

Top 20 Horror Movies - #19) The Howling (1981)

One of two werewolf movies to make the list, The Howling is a twisted frightfest that I have a lot of affection for.  It has all the necessary ingredients for a quality horror flick, to include a worthy cast, an excellent setting, some creepy visuals, and an ominous mood.  The script by John Sayles varies greatly from the novel by Gary Brandner, but brings an engaging and fearsome story to the screen to superb effect.  Director Joe Dante does a tremendous job, and while I'm a big fan of Joe's other genre efforts (most notably Gremlins and Piranha) I believe that this is his best feature film.  It's tightly paced, brimming with atmosphere, and loaded with shocking sequences.  I'm awarding some serious bonus points for the unnerving opening and the equally disturbing conclusion.  There's also a nifty scene midway through the picture that surely ranks as one of the most frightening horror scenes out there that takes place in broad daylight.  The cast is stellar, with Dee Wallace slaying it in the lead role with quality support from players like Patrick MacNee, Kevin McCarthy, Slim Pickens, and the one and only John Carradine.  Pino Donaggio gave the film an eerie score that is a splendid fit for all the spooky shenanigans unfolding on the screen.  The Howling is equal parts engrossing, entertaining, and terrifying.  It is somewhat amazing to me that both this picture and that other werewolf movie released in 1981 (a superior effort that is ranked much higher on my list) remain the finest attempts to bring lycanthropy to the cinema.

Chief among the strengths of The Howling are
an ominous mood and some nightmarish visuals.

Short Attention Span Review: Deep Red (1975)

Yesterday, I reviewed one of Fulci's better movies (City of the Living Dead), so today I'm turning my attention to another notable Italian director who made his name in the horror genre.  While Fulci was celebrated for his excessive use of gore, Dario Argento was better known for his deft use of a moving camera and the way his creative cinematography and lively color palettes served to inject a surreal element into his work.  Dario was no stranger to gore either, and he also shared Fulci's enthusiasm for twisted plots.  Though he has completely lost his ability to make a decent film in this day and age, Argento was lighting up the screen with sensational chillers and gruesome thrillers in the 70s and 80s.  In my personal opinion, Deep Red may just be his best feature, though Suspiria will always be more popular.  Hey, that's okay--Suspiria is a top-shelf horror film, but for my money, Deep Red is more riveting and far more fulfilling.  While Suspiria is a fairy tale of sorts, Deep Red is a blood-curdling mystery that is equal parts slasher flick and ghost story, though to label it as either would be inaccurate.  David Hemmings stars as a pianist who witnesses a horrific murder without being able to identify the killer.  Soon, he and an intrepid reporter (the wonderful Daria Nicolodi as Gianna Brezzi) are trying to solve a vicious mystery that reaches into the past.  As they work to uncover the truth, the death toll rises and it becomes quite clear that they are in great danger.  Stellar cinematography, an amazing score by Goblin, and one of Argento's most inventive plots come together in Deep Red, an elaborate whodunit that is full of scares and twists. 

Final Grade: A

In Deep Red, David Hemmings is drawn into a savage mystery.  As he tries to unravel
a brutal murder, bodies continue to pile up until this shocker reaches a grim conclusion.

Short Attention Span Review: No One Lives (2012)

No One Lives is far from perfect.  There are plot holes, some of the acting is rather questionable, the editing is uneven in places, and there's a bit of confusion here and there as to the overall tone of the picture.  Is it a cheesy thrill ride with no soul or a legitimate horror film exploring some dark themes?  There are times when gifted director Ryûhei Kitamura (Versus, Godzilla: Final Wars, The Midnight Meat Train) doesn't seem to know for sure, but viewers will quickly realize that this one is a campy frightfest that shouldn't be taken too seriously.  As such, it mostly succeeds in spite of its flaws.  How does it manage to do that?  Well, the movie's biggest strength is surely Luke Evans as the dude who should not have been fucked with, a cool and calculated killer who gets all of the flick's best lines.  I'm really starting to like this cat and even if No One Lives is a B-rate horror movie, this could be the best part that he has been given.  Of course, he has also played Zeus and Dracula (Dracula Untold), so it's not like Hollywood is giving him the shaft. Anyway, in this movie a gang of redneck crooks make the mistake of messing with the smooth and inventive villain played by Evans, thereby turning a demented murderer into the hero of a wild and exciting feature.  Sick and mean-spirited, No One Lives isn't for everyone, but gorehounds and those with a dark sense of humor won't be disappointed.  Evans dispatches his foes with style and this bizarro slasher movie cranks out some wildly creative kills.  The picture is dripping with blood and the effects are surprisingly solid.  No One Lives rockets along, seldom pausing for anything other than a ghoulish joke, a jolt of action, or a wicked death scene.  It isn't a great movie, but the right type of person will have a great time with this gruesome oddity.

Final Grade: C+

Luke Evans gets bloody in No One Lives.

Short Attention Span Review: Razorback (1984)

Short Attention Span Review: Razorback (1984)

 This outlandish Aussie horror flick from the 80s is a twisted man vs. nature flick with an ample dose of man vs. man thrown in for good measure.  The titular terror, an enormous wild boar with a taste for blood, is seldom glimpsed despite being the most fearsome villain in the piece.  However, a pair of despicable lowlifes, the Baker brothers (played by Chris Haywood and David Argue), are almost just as vicious and enjoy a wealth of screen time.  The script is a bit hokey and the film is surely padded a bit here and there, but gifted director Russell Mulcahy hit the scene in style with this underrated shocker.  His daring approach elevates a cheap horror film into something more, a surreal adventure that escapists will probably enjoy more than gorehounds.  The score is just as compelling as the cinematography and there are several memorable sequences.  Many of the most potent moments of the film are centered on Bill Kerr in a supporting role and not Gregory Harrison, whose Carl Winters is a rather mundane lead.  The effects are a bit subpar, though Mulcahy's wise decision to allow viewers to see the massive boar for no more than a second or so at a time enhances the experience.  The picture may have fared better if the plot had focused more on Kerr as Jake Cullen, a  vengeful hunter whose grandson was killed by the giant razorback in a sensational opening.  Yet Razorback still emerges as a fearsome and vivid spectacle despite a few shortcomings and a wooden leading man.

Final Grade: C+  

Note: giant razorbacks are neither cute nor cuddly, but they can be sneaky.

Short Attention Span Review: Bait (2012)

Bait is just your average "great white sharks terrorize shoppers at the grocery store" movie, and while that particular sub-genre is overpopulated, this one manages to stand out.  Okay, so just to be clear, I am kidding about there being more than one of these absurdities, but I'm not kidding about Bait being a movie about people being terrorized by great white sharks at the grocery store.  Despite this ludicrous premise and an opening that is 100% terrible, the movie somehow works.  First off, the opening is awful.  I'm still not quite sure why I didn't turn Bait off after that bullshit, but I'm glad I didn't.  The picture that follows is gleefully idiotic, but it is also ferociously entertaining.  And after that opening convinced me that the special effects would be inferior to the great white carnage I used to enjoy while playing Jaws on my NES as a child, the rest of the movie benefits from superior effects work.  {Clarification: the term "superior effects work" as used in the previous statement applies to the effects seen in the opening reel of Bait as opposed to special effects in general.}  So, how did the sharks wind up in the grocery store?  See, the store was flooded during a tsunami, and as is so often the case when tsunamis occur, a pair of large great whites wind up trapped in the flooded supermarket.  Now, in addition to the presence of a pair of bloodthirsty sharks, there are number of interesting characters involved in various situations that could yield entire movies of their own stuck in the flooded store.  Among them are a brokenhearted dude and his former flame (I shit you not, their romance fell apart after he failed to save her brother from a shark attack in that totally inept opening scene), a sympathetic robber and his sadistic accomplice, a cop summoned to arrest a shoplifter who just so happens to be his daughter, and so on and so forth.  Truthfully, Bait should sink like a stone under the weight of the absurd premise and all the ridiculous contrivances that spring up throughout its 93 minute running time.  Yet it somehow gets the job done.  It's fun to watch and you will actually wind up liking some of these ridiculous characters and pulling for them as they struggle to survive in these ridiculous circumstances.  Julian McMahon (a guy who should have become a legitimate star and instead pulled hard time on Charmed and received third billing in Bait) does a great job as the sympathetic robber and deserves a lot of the credit for grounding this ludicrous yarn.  Kimble Rendall deserves some praise for holding this thing together as a director, and given how it turned out, I'm almost willing to pardon him for that opening.  Russell Mulcahy, the guy who gave us Highlander and Razorback (What? I like Razorback) helped out with the script.  I'm feeling generous, so I'll even point out that the effects team that totally shit the bed in the first ten minutes of the movie held it down when it mattered most.  In the end, I'm not sure how it happened, but in this silly movie with a woeful beginning wound up being an entertaining ride that I'm going to recommend.  I might even give it a "B." 

Final Grade: B-

It's hard to determine if it's the realism or the subtlety that make Bait so entertaining.

Cult Classics from Dimension X: The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

I'm frequently asked to name my favorite zombie film, and despite my affection for Romero (and Dawn of the Dead in particular), my answer is always the same.  It's The Return of the Living Dead, the 1985 ode to punk rock and dead people who won't stay buried that never fails to thrill or amuse me.  Not only is this Dan O'Bannon feature my favorite zombie flick, but it's one of my favorite horror movies in general.  Hell, we can take that one step further, for it's truly one of my favorite movies from any genre.  It's a fast-paced nightmare loaded with black humor and wonderful dialogue, and it benefits from the presence of a talented cast highlighted by Clu Galager, James Karen, and Thom Mathews.  They make the most of the material and the twisted frightfest that ensues is a disgusting descent into madness and terror where no one's brain is safe.

Dan O'Bannon made a nice mark in the horror genre (Alien was his idea and he contributed to a number of horror films over the years) but directing The Return of the Living Dead was surely his finest hour.  The picture moves at a frantic pace, the characters are well-drawn and the performances are top-notch, the effects are massive, the score is killer, and the movie greatly benefits from a perfect ending.  What did he do wrong?  I can't think of anything.  O'Bannon gave us a wildly different take on the zombie sub-genre that can be seen as a bit of a trendsetter in a great many ways.  Long before fast zombies became so popular, the undead were racing around in this gory delight.  Additionally, the diverse and rebellious cast of characters and the lack of a clear-cut hero or heroine are both noteworthy and admirable.  Finally, the humorous aspect of the picture is probably the biggest reason that The Return of the Living Dead is so beloved by so many, and it generates a wealth of laughter despite the fact that it takes itself seriously.  It isn't hokey or silly, it just showcases gifted performers portraying characters who come apart at the seams and rant and snarl at one another as things get progressively worse.  The picture also has a gift for irony.  I think it's a shame that O'Bannon didn't direct more movies, but he knocked this one out of the park.

These punk rock kids just want to have a good time.  Don't we all?

The acting in The Return of the Living Dead is absolutely terrific.  There are so many memorable performances and so many cool characters that it would be hard to pick a favorite.  Thom Mathews and James Karen are fabulous as Freddie and Frank, and their antics never get old.  Clu Galager is on fire as Burt and his various rants are all highlights of the picture.  Miguel Nunez may steal the show as Spider, but there's also Don Calfa as Ernie, the kooky mortician who wears a sidearm and is surprisingly quick on the draw.  The way these characters (and many more) argue with one another, cutting lines short and yelling over top of each other, is riveting and gives the piece an authentic feel that is often lacking from movies where the staging is a bit more deliberate so far as the dialogue is concerned.  There are so many classic exchanges, so many great lines, and so many big moments.  The cool thing is the lack of a singular hero makes this a true ensemble piece, meaning there are plenty of worthwhile bits to go around.  It's a big cast that works very well together, and everyone gets their moment. 

The soundtrack rules!  It's definitely in my Top 10 so far as soundtracks go.

I am such a fan of the soundtrack for this movie that I've devoted an entire blog to it.  You can read it here.  For the purposes of this piece, I just want to acknowledge how important it is to the movie.  The notion of melding a zombie film with punk rock music (and a bunch of punk rock characters) was such a cool decision and it works so well.  Additionally, while many movies have cool soundtracks but fail to make the best use of the great tracks at their disposal, the music is essential to The Return of the Living Dead.  Several of the best scenes would suffer greatly if the songs that accompany them were removed.  It's hard to think of a movie with a better soundtrack that was used to greater effect, but if such a film exists, it's probably one of QT's flicks. 

In closing, I can't recommend this one enough.  I love horror films (you already knew that) and the zombie sub-genre in particular (you already knew that too), and I truly believe that this is the best of the bunch so far as brain-munching shenanigans are concerned.  There's so much to love and it's so damn fresh.  It is gruesome, tense, and frightening, and yet it can be absolutely hilarious at times.  The soundtrack rocks, the direction and the editing are stellar, and the cast is wonderful.  The Return of the Living Dead is the most entertaining and the zaniest film in a long line of horror classics that will not die, the cinema of the undead. 

The Return of The Living Dead Trivia

While it is widely believed that the presence of a pair of pals named Bert and Ernie is a gag, Dan O'Bannon has stated that he was actually oblivious to the existence of the beloved muppets with the same names who reside on Sesame Street.

Ernie (played by Don Calfa) is a nazi in hiding.  His use of German, his musical preferences, the photo of Eva Braun he keeps in his morgue, and even his choice of sidearm are among the clues to his secret identity sprinkled throughout the picture.

When Trash does her striptease, you're not actually seeing full frontal nudity.  Linnea Quigley wore a plastic application for that sequence that concealed her private parts.  

Clu Galager was a last-minute addition to the cast and he apparently wasn't all that easy to get along with.  According to various reports, he was prone to temper tantrums and violent outbursts on set.  There are even claims that the effects team secretly swapped a rubber pipe for the real one he was wielding at one point during the film because his peers were afraid that he would lose his cool while armed with a lead pipe.

While John Russo (co-writer of the original Night of the Living Dead) wrote a script entitled Return of the Living Dead and receives a story credit for this picture, it is believed that very little of his material was used.  O'Bannon thought Russo's script was too serious and too closely resembled Romero's work, so it was re-written as more of a satire.

Some of the cast members portraying zombies actually chowed down on raw calf brains during filming.

Short Attention Span Review: RoboCop (1987)

Earlier today I posted a review of the new RoboCop (I gave it a C) that you can read below.  It only seemed logical to follow that up with a look at the original 1987 smash hit from visionary director Paul Verhoeven.  Rest assured, good people, this one gets an A+.  RoboCop is one of the best sci-fi/action mash-ups ever to grace the screen and I can't think of anything that it doesn't do well.  Peter Weller leads an amazing cast that boasts wonderful performances from Nancy Allen, Ronny Cox, Kurtwood Smith, and Miguel Ferrer.  Many of these talents offered up what was likely their best work in this excessively violent and riveting shoot 'em up with a lot of heart.  It also benefits from a wealth of black humor and tremendous effects work.  The story is engaging and provocative in equal measures and heightens the impact of all the bloody mayhem unfolding onscreen.  Basil Poledouris provides the piece with what may be his second-best score (I'm hoping that no one reading this needs to be told what his finest score was) and the production team nailed every aspect of bringing this wild and visionary tale to life.  I'm frequently amazed that this was such a major success, but that gives me hope for mankind.  Apparently, there are lot of people out there who dig dark humor, gratuitous voilence, and buckets of gore.  RoboCop is a true one-of-a-kind and it remains just as potent and daring now as it was then.  Perhaps that's the biggest reason that I was so unimpressed with the reboot--RoboCop didn't need a paint job, and there was surely no need for a PG-13 RoboCop Lite.  If you're in the mood for a badass movie about a badass cybernetic policeman cleaning up the mean streets of Detroit, look to 1987.

Final Grade: A+

The original RoboCop is a special effects masterpiece.
If you don't believe me, just ask this guy.

Short Attention Span Review: Night of the Living Dead (1990)

As is so often the case, this remake is inferior to the original, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a worthwhile zombie flick.  In spite of what you may have heard about Tom Savini's version of the George Romero classic that started it all, I rather enjoy it.  It's not groundbreaking and it doesn't bring anything new and inventive to this particular sub-genre, but that's okay.  It is a solid update with nifty effects and a good cast.  The score works for me, the mood is suitably grim, and I do enjoy it a lot.  In a rare role as the hero of a horror flick, Tony Todd is absolutely terrific, and Patricia Tallman also shows a great deal of range with her performance.  Most importantly, I thought Tom Towles was a bit of a revelation as the dick.  Most good horror movies have a dick and this Night of the Living Dead has one of the most irritating dicks you'll ever encounter.  Ideally, you don't spend a lot of time with irritating dicks to begin with, but you know what I'm saying.  Towles seldom fails to piss me off with his performance, yet there are a handful of occasions (most notably his "options" speech) that greatly amuse me.  The fact that Tony Todd has to deal with this dude makes him as much of a hero as his zombie-bashing exploits in this picture.  Additionally, I think Tom Savinia did a good job as the director.  There are no major shortcomings to complain about and his Night of the Living Dead doesn't deserve the bad reviews some have given it.  Now, if I make a list of the best zombie movies ever (been there, done that: link) you won't find this 1990 effort on the list, but I'm still going to recommend it.  It is not as shocking as the original and it isn't as wild or creative as many of the zombie movies that Romero's 1968 surprise hit has spawned, but it is an entertaining and well-made horror movie.

Final Grade: C+

Drinking Game: take a shot every time you want to punch this guy in the mouth.

Short Attention Span Review: Mutant (1984)

 

I'm pretty sure that Mutant (a.k.a. Night Shadows) is a bad movie.  It may even be a terrible movie.  I'm also going to give it a decent grade here because I believe that it is very entertaining.  Honestly, it may actually be a good movie--fairly good anyway.  Forgive me, sometimes it's hard to tell with these schlocky horror flicks.  I am sure of this: if it is good, it's not very good, and if it is bad, it's of the "so bad that it's good" variety.  The leads are Wings Hauser and Bo Hopkins, so that definitely earns the picture some credit in my book.  I'm a big fan of Wings and I feel that his B-movie legacy is the stuff of legend.  He has also appeared in some major films, to include his amazing performance in Vice Squad, a personal favorite of mine.  Bo Hopkins was a charismatic and likable performer who always did a great job of playing Bo Hopkins.  Not surprisingly, he plays Bo Hopkins well in Mutant.  Together, Wings and Bo hold this creative shocker together despite some flaws, most of which pertain to the lackluster creature effects and make-up.  Yet there are some decent scares and the plot sprinkles a few surprises in the mix to keep us on our toes throughout.  There are a host of maniacal hillbillies that our heroes must deal with when they aren't on the run from a new breed of zombie/vampire/mutant/I'm-not-really-sure-exactly-what-the-hell-these-things-are.  These shambling mystery monsters are the result of the reckless disposal of volatile waste, making Mutant another of those "Man fucks with the ecosystem, man gets eaten" stories they taught us about in high school.  Only man doesn't get eaten this time out--it's a twist!  These things that resemble sick people wearing Alice Cooper make-up have slits on their palms that ooze acidic slime.  If they touch you and get this perilous slime on you, you get to join the club.  Hey, it's different, and it ramps up the tension considerably during the rollicking finale.  With zombies, you can fight them off so long as they don't sink their teeth into you, but with these things you're toast if they manage to touch you.  The direction from John "Bud" Cardos (the man responsible for Kingdom of the Spiders) is solid and the film zips along.  For whatever reason, I'm actually really fond of Mutant, and while some will surely view it as a failure, I'm definitely going to give it a passing grade.

Final Grade: C

I'm pretty sure that I've hung out with this crowd at a party before.