Short Attention Span Review: Blood Brothers (1973)

 

No one has time for kung fu treachery in this life, unless it's part of your kung fu cinema regimen.  If you're like me, you know that the greatest kung fu flicks of all time fall under one of two categories: 1) films starring Bruce Lee, and 2) films from the Shaw Brothers.  Yeah, I'm thinking that Gareth Evans and Iko Uwais are working on creating a third category for me, but we're not there just yet.  Regardless, I watched Blood Brothers in Shaw Scope this weekend and had a great time with it.  It was rather grim and the ending was a major bummer, but it was pretty obvious we were heading in that direction from the opening frame.  The usual grand sets, colorful costumes, and incredible choreography were all on display, but if you know the Shaw Brothers, you knew that already.  The story was compelling and the three leads (David Chiang, Lung Ti, and Kuan Ti Chen) all did a remarkable job with both the acting and the chops and kicks that Blood Brothers required of them.  There was a strange emphasis on dudes rolling down hills in slow-motion (this didn't happen once or twice--it was more like five to ten times) that I didn't completely understand, but it was still a quality kung fu flick.  I loved David Chiang's work with the triple staff and Lung Ti really stole the show as the "brother" whose lust for power (and Kuan Ti Chen's lovely wife) eventually turned the three men against one another.  It wasn't in the upper echelon of movies c/o of the Shaw Brothers (Five Deadly Venoms, Crippled Avengers, Five Shaolin Masters), but it was definitely worthwhile.

Bonus points: whoever did the subtitles on the version I watched certainly played it fast and loose.  There were numerous scenes where the subtitles didn't make a damn bit of sense.  Also, (and this shouldn't have been funny but it was) the female lead was frequently referred to as "bitch" or "the bitch" and I'm pretty sure these references weren't actual translations of what was being said. 

Final Grade: C+

Dude in the middle (Lung Ti) looks like an asshole, doesn't he? 
This isn't one of those examples of how looks can be deceiving.

Short Attention Span Review: Swamp Thing (1982)

Comic book movies are all the rage in 2015, but there was a time when fanboys like me didn't have a whole lot to cherish so far as film and television are concerned.  However, one such motion picture from my childhood that I remain particularly fond of is Wes Craven's Swamp Thing.  Yes, Swampy doesn't look all that hot (and he's a special effects extravaganza compared to the nefarious nemesis who challenges him in the closing reel), but the movie still works in spite of a lousy rubber suit.  The locations are gorgeous--forgive me, but I've got a serious jones for swamps.  The score is nifty, Craven's direction is solid and pays homage to comics several times throughout, and the plot is engaging and lean.  The cast is really good, with the late Louis Jourdan shining as the demented Arcane while Adrienne Barbeau does a lovely job as Alice Cable.  Would you believe that Cable serves as the Swamp Thing's love interest?  It's kooky but true.  David Hess does a nice job as a vicious henchman, and though the picture isn't overly faithful to the comic book property that spawned it, it's close enough to please fans of the title.  The special effects are surely a bit lackluster (and that's probably a bit of an understatement) and Craven certainly didn't go out of his way to hide these shortcomings, but I enjoy the picture nonetheless.  I think that anyone who likes the comic book character will embrace this Swamp Thing, and those who could care less about Swampy but dig fun movies from the early 80s will also be entertained.  Additionally, I should note that while the 1989 sequel The Return of Swamp Thing boasted vastly superior effects work, it wasn't nearly as entertaining.  True story: sometimes the prettiest girl at the dance isn't the best dancer.

Wow.  There had to be a better close to a Swamp Thing review than that, but the hell with it.  Craven didn't shy away from a lousy rubber suit.  Why should I shy away from a lousy finish?

Final Grade: C

Finding a good shot of this particular Swamp Thing costume is like trying
to get a good look at the Bigfoot creature, but this one isn't too bad.

Short Attention Span Review: Silver Bullet (1985)

By now, you guys should recognize that I love the horror genre.  I do consider myself a bit of an authority when it comes to things that go bump in the night, and I'm certain that many will agree with me when I say that there haven't been a lot of good werewolf movies or stellar horror movies based on literary icon Stephen King's work.  Now, there have been a couple of classic werewolf movies (here's looking at you, An American Werewolf in London and The Howling), but there have been a lot of terrible were-movies.  And while some of King's books or stories have resulted in top-notch films, most seem to be inspired by his more dramatic offerings and not the scare-fare that made him famous.  Now, Silver Bullet is no classic, and it isn't one of the best adaptations of King's prose. but it is a fun movie and it surely counts as one of King's solid adaptations.  The story is ripe with the kind of nostalgia that King mastered long, long ago, and it has a worthy cast highlighted by Gary Busey in what I consider to be his best role.  The effects are frequently maligned, but I think they're serviceable at the very least, and despite its age Silver Bullet still provides viewers with a few quality jolts.  The score is one of the highlights, and as is so often the case with King's work, the setting itself (a small town named Tarker's Mills) is also extremely memorable.  It lends itself well to the horror genre; often, the further removed we feel from a picture like this, the harder it is to dig in and enjoy the thrill ride.  That isn't a problem this time out, as most of us have probably lived in or visited a quaint little place like Tarker's Mills at some point in our lives.  All this aside, perhaps the greatest strength of this cool fright flick is the fact that the real hero is a paralytic boy.  This is the type of unique development that takes standard genre fare and elevates it, creating suspense and tension that can't be generated with a typical main character.  Corey Haim was really good as Marty Coslaw, the handicapped youth in question, and his relationship with his sister (Megan Follows as Jane Coslaw) and his crazy uncle (the Busey) ground the picture.  The underrated Everett McGill shines as the cursed Reverend Lowe, bringing his trademark menace to a rich part.  Yes, all the usual King trappings are there: the intriguing characters, the cozy setting, and a nifty plot woven around a terrifying force of evil that must be stopped.  As is often the case, the story that ensues works like a charm.  In closing, Silver Bullet may not hit the bullseye, but it's a far cry from a misfire.  In other words, "Hey Man, Nice Shot." 

Final Grade: B

Let's face it, everyone needs an Uncle Red.

Short Attention Span Review: Fury (2014)

I really wanted to like Fury.  Honestly, I expected to.  I had heard nothing but good things about it and the ad campaign made it look like just the kind of picture that I was hoping for.  Before we talk about all the things that went wrong, let's discuss the things the picture did right in the interest of fairness.  First off, Brad Pitt was outstanding.  No surprise there.  The rest of the cast was up to the challenge, and even the toxic presence of Shia LaBeouf didn't derail Fury.  Honestly, he was actually very good in his part, and that's a hard thing for me to say.  I still hope and pray that he is truly retired, but only time will tell.  The costumes and the effects were top-notch, and early on the action was brutal and convincing.  Sounds like a winner, right?  So how did Fury go wrong?  The direction was okay, so I'm not going to throw David Ayer under the bus on that front, but the story is another matter altogether.  Boy, oh boy, was there a war movie cliche that didn't pop up in this one?  Despite the intensity and grit that the actors brought to their roles, every character in the film is a war movie caricature.  The plot leaves a lot to be desired, mostly due to two woeful offenses.  Fist, there's a lengthy, absurd, and totally contrived sequence with a pair of German ladies in the middle of Fury that was supposed to give the picture heart and drama and wound up giving me a dramatic case of heartache instead.  Secondly, when we get to the impossible mission that brings the picture to a close, things truly fall apart.  The movie staggers across the finish line after subjecting us to one of the most ludicrous action scenes that I've ever seen, and I enjoyed The Big Hit.  It's not that the battle at the end of Fury is dumb, as that would be giving this attempt at a rousing finale far too much credit.  It's beyond dumb.  It's dumber than dumb.  It's dumber than Dumb & Dumber.  It makes anything that happened in 300 seem like a startlingly realistic depiction of combat.  The enemy soldiers that our hardened band of heroes square off against in the closing reel of Fury had the military expertise and fighting spirit of the ducks in the NES masterpiece Duck Hunt.  Sometimes you watch a movie with high expectations and you're too hard on it if it fails to meet these expectations.  I don't think that was the case here.  I wanted a lot from Fury, that is true, but it didn't just fall short of my expectations.  It absolutely tanked.

Final Grade: D

"It's okay kid, the enemy soldiers we're going to encounter at the end
of the movie couldn't take Mickey, Donald, and Goofy in a firefight."

Short Attention Span Review: Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

When you dig horror as much as I do, you wind up picking favorites.  My favorite series has always been the Friday the 13th series.  Well, it's actually the Phantasm series, but given that it doesn't boast nearly as many films as the various other series that we horror fans know and love, I don't know if it's fair to include it.  Anyway, after reading that, you're probably thinking that I must not have a whole lot of love for Freddy.  Not true, not true at all.  I dig Freddy a lot.  Okay, a lot of the sequels are pretty damn silly, but my favorite Friday the 13th is Freddy vs. Jason (yes, it counts), and the first Nightmare on Elm Street from 1984 is a genuine horror classic.  To be fair, there are some other worthwhile entries in this series, but Wes Craven set the bar too damn high with this terrifying gem.  Maybe the sequels had such a hard time keeping up simply because this movie does everything right.  A good slasher flick needs a fearsome villain, right?  Freddy is a demented masterpiece in that regard, though later pictures would turn him into a bit of a clown.  We need an epic score too, don't we?  We've got one here.  What about some grisly kills?  The wicked mayhem that unfolds in this iconic venture is very creative and very, very bloody.  We also need a good cast and a strong heroine (dudes can apply for the gig, but it typically works better when we give this part to a chick in slasher fare) to round things out, and once again, Nightmare on Elm Street delivers the goods.  Wes Craven was at his very best as a director when he was at the helm for this genuine smash hit, a picture that continues to scare audiences worldwide.  Having watched it again this weekend, I can assure you that it has legitimate staying power, and it remains one of the best slasher flicks of all time--if not the very best.  In fact, it's so inventive and so expertly plotted that some might chafe at the fact that I've labelled it a slasher flick, but I love slasher flicks so I don't consider that to be a slight.  Regardless, it's a big winner, and whether I favor another series or two over the Nightmare on Elm Street films or not, I have no problem giving this landmark motion picture the highest of grades.

Final Grade: A+

Bonus Points: John Saxon!  I'm sorry, dude was Roper in Enter the Dragon.  Any movie he's in gets bonus points for giving him a part.

Freddy's great at nightmares and terrible at foreplay.

Playlist/Soundtrack for my Current Project

 I know, I know, it's en vogue for artists to tell people all about the music they're listening to while they work these days.  Forgive me for being trendy, but I had an urge to share.  I'm currently nearing the end of my fifth novel, currently titled 101 Nights of the Rougarou.  Ever since I wrote Trailer Park Trash & Vampires, people have been asking me if I would ever pen a story about werewolves.  In a way, this current project is just that, though much I like did with vampires, I'm doing things a bit differently.  The rougarou itself is a bit different from the werewolf, though there are similarities.  There are also several variations sprinkled throughout the folklore pertaining to this particular beast, so that gives me a lot of room to maneuver.  I like that.

Anyway, like many, I like to listen to music while I work.  I've always thought it was a good idea to listen to a fairly consistent mix while I work on a project to maintain a certain mood, so I actually create soundtracks for each of my projects.  I have always been a very visual writer, and I think my work would lend itself well to film, so I proceed accordingly.  Each of these playlists starts with a song I imagine playing over the opening titles and ends with a song I would like to hear played over the credits.  The rest of the music suits the mood and flow of the piece.  Often, there will be songs that are tied to specific scenes.  Finally, since I favor big third acts, you may notice that things build to a crescendo toward the end of the playlist.

So, for those who are interested, here is my soundtrack  for 101 Nights of the Rougarou:

"Sniper At The Gates Of Heaven" by The Black Angels

"I Can Almost See Them" by Tomahawk

"I Am A Man Of Stone" by The Toadies

"Human" by Elastica

"Mama Told Me Not to Come" by Three Dog Night

"Connected" by Stereo MCs

"Caress Me Down"  by Sublime

"Blood On Our Hands" by Death From Above 1979

"The Hives Are Law, You Are Crime" by The Hives

"Adrenalize" by In This Moment

"Silver Queen" by Philm

"Lobster" by Bender

"Smoke a Little Smoke" by Eric Church

"Aisha" by Death In Vegas

"Nervous Shakedown" by AC/DC

"Psychotic Break" by Jerry Cantrell

"The Talking Horse" by The Melvins

"Boom" by Soulfly

"Hush" by Tool

"Adeadenemyalwayssmellsgood" by Future of the Left

"Exhale" by Kylesa

"Stillborn" by Black Label Society

"Bury Me" by Helmet

"Evil World" by Powerman 5000

Short Attention Span Review: Deliver Us from Evil (2014)

Here's the thing about possession movies: in the end, they must be measured against The Exorcist.  In particular, since possession movies typically require an exorcism to close things out, such an ending will always be judged against William Friedkin's epic "The power of Christ compels you" finale.  So, how does Deliver Us from Evil stack up against the scariest movie of all time?  I think it may in fact be the second-best possession movie that I have watched, and I figured that was the ceiling for this movie going in.  First off, we have a couple of capable leads.  Eric Bana does a nice job as a violent cop with an uncanny knack for picking the right (or wrong) cases.  As good as Bana is, he is overshadowed here by Edgar Ramirez as the coolest priest ever to grace the screen, but both roles are well-developed and expertly realized.  Joel McHale turns in a solid performance in a supporting role as Bana's adrenaline-junkie partner (yes, he offers up a lot of wisecracks, some of which are funny), and in doing so he provides us with one of the best fight scenes you're apt to see in a horror movie.  The plot offers up a nice mishmash of thriller and horror elements, and the mood is suitably creepy throughout.  There are few good jump scares to be had and Deliver Us from Evil moves along at a nice pace while still managing to flesh out the characters a bit here and there.  Finally, we get to the exorcism, and I have to give director Scott Derrickson credit for delivering the goods.  It's creative, it's gruesome, and it's very exciting.  It doesn't have the emotional impact or the sheer terror of the The Exorcist's closing reel, but it takes a damn good shot at the title.  Like the movie itself, I feel that it was second only to the scariest movie of all time in that regard.  Don't buy into the "based on actual events" mumbo-jumbo, as it doesn't bear any meaningful resemblance to any of the cases the main character detailed in his book.  Do buy into the movie, however, for it's a gripping frightfest that is both scary and entertaining. 

Serious Bonus Points: the music of The Doors figures into the plot and is sprinkled throughout the picture to great effect.  How could I possibly give this movie a bad review when our wild and crazy priest begins the big exorcism at the end of the movie by quoting Jim Morrison ("Is everybody in?  Is everybody in?  The ceremony is about to begin.")  and "Break on Through (To the Other Side)" plays over the credits.

Final Grade: B+

"Hey you, blogger--come over here and look me in the face
and tell me that I got overshadowed by that fruity priest."