Short Attention Span Review - The Tough Ones (1976)

Short Attention Span Review - The Tough Ones (1976)

Umberto Lenzi isn't big on subtlety.  No, he made loud pictures, obnoxious pictures even, and he's the kind of director who wouldn't settle for having a good time if having a sleazy good time was an option.  With The Tough Ones, he takes the whole "rogue cop" theme and runs wild with it.  Maurizio Merli stars as Inspector Leonardo Tanzi, a dapper dude who beats the shit out of so many crooks that I lost count halfway through the picture.  And he has a killer slap that he likes to deploy--he will slap the taste out of a punk's mouth at the drop of a hat.  And this movie needs him.  Seriously, dude's beat is so popping that he waltzes right into a mugging, purse-snatching, rape, bank robbery, or perhaps even a good old-fashioned murder spree courtesy of a crazed hunchback every time he rounds a corner.  And he beats the fuck out of the bad guys.  And his captain yells at him afterward, but displays a wry smile that lets us know he digs Tanzi's "take no prisoners" style whenever this suave hothead is dispatched to slap around another crook.  Merli plays this about as well as it could be played, and Tomas Milian is a deft combination of fiery and petulant in his role as Vincenzo Moretto, the previously mentioned "crazed hunchback."  Milian is fully invested in a depraved role as a madman who gets off on gunning down innocent bystanders and cracking bad jokes about his dirty deeds.  Lenzi applies his typical flair to the picture, which is fast-paced, colorful, and equal parts repugnant and exciting.  He gives us setups that are totally shameless examples of exploitation at its grimiest, then quickly veers to smashing payoffs wherein Tanzi leaps into action and smacks the bad guys around.  The cinematography, editing, and the effects are better than what we often see in such fare, and the soundtrack is typical for these flicks--meaning that it is exceptional.  Kudos to Grindhouse Releasing for including the score from Franco Micalizzi on CD in their double-disc Blu-Ray edition of The Tough Ones.  Beautiful packaging as well.  Bottom line: anyone looking to dig up some so-called Eurotrash could do a hell of a lot worse.  In fact, I'm going to highly recommend this flick, because The Tough Ones is an absolute riot for those of us who dig sordid cinema.

Final Grade: B+

Maurizio Merli may look dapper, but he's tough as nails.  If he doesn't beat up two dozen people or more in this movie, I'm not the illest mofo on the block.

Short Attention Span Review: The Assignment (2016)

Short Attention Span Review: The Assignment (2016)

Walter Hill is one of my favorite directors.  Sometimes I think he may be my favorite, and at a bare minimum, he is safely in my top three alongside QT and John Carpenter.  So, while a goofy premise and lackluster reviews kept me from watching The Assignment until recently, I couldn't fathom Hill churning out a picture as lousy as this one was made out to be.  Upon review, I can say that this is no out and out travesty, but it isn't all that good either.  While the cast is on their game, with Sigourney Weaver leading the way while Michelle Rodriguez and Tony Shalhoub are both rock solid, and Hill's direction is slick as usual, The Assignment is a bit of a bore.  If it had been engineered to produce grindhouse thrills, I think it may have been a wicked good time at the movies, but the film suffers from an identity crisis that undermines it at every turn.  The Assignment surely has the necessary ingredients for an action yarn or a grimy thriller, but despite the relevant plot points and characters being in play, it fails to yield a single worthwhile action scene or any real thrills.  The key components seem ill-suited for a psychological thriller or (gasp!) a drama, but all too often that seemed to be what Hill was aiming for here.  It's a head-scratcher, and while it may not be a total mess, it is a flat and dull affair that wastes an awful lot of potential. 

Final Grade: D

Weaver does a fine job throughout and makes for a most curious villain, but the movie is too unfocused to match her performance.

Short Attention Span Review: Machete (2010)

I know, I know, I'm doing this backward.  Yesterday I reviewed Machete Kills and today I'm reviewing the first Machete.  I'm a writer, so funny things happen in my brain.  Forgive me.  Anyway, while the sequel brought some seriously silly sci-fi antics into play, Machete is an ode to those hardcore action movies of the 70s and 80s that made guys like Charlie Bronson and Sylvester Stallone superstars.  While it takes the notion of a parody to such bizarre heights that it borders on being too ridiculous to engage the audience, it ultimately succeeds in providing viewers with a cheeky and exciting experience that is equal parts bonkers and badass.  If you're looking for a genuine action film, look elsewhere--satire is as important to Machete as gratuitous violence and outrageous amounts of gore.  Robert Rodriguez pushes the envelope at every turn, and he gets quality performances from everyone involved.  Robert DeNiro appears to be having the time of his life, Don Johnson is great, and Jeff Fahey is fucking phenomenal.  Michelle Rodriguez rocks, Lindsay Lohan is actually tolerable, and perhaps only Jessica Alba seems a bit out of place, though she is smoking hot and it's not like she's terrible or anything.  Steven Segal is hilarious as the villain, giving us perhaps the funniest death scene of all time, and it truly feels like everyone in the cast had fun making this blood-soaked romp.  The score is on point, the effects are appropriately cheesy, the gore is obnoxious, and Machete scores a direct hit for fans of this sort of material.

Final Grade: B

Danny Trejo is at his badass best in Machete.

El Rey Network, I Think I Love You

It's official: I have fallen for the El Rey Network.  Seriously, I'm starting to think that Robert Rodriguez dreamed this station up just for me.  Giallo flicks, spaghetti westerns, and kung fu treachery--hot damn!  Seriously, check out Thursday's theme:

What's not to love?  Now, some of you may not dig kung fu flicks as much as I do.  I don't know what the hell's wrong with you, but it's true--some people don't really care if honkies from the CIA interrupt their kung fu.  The rest of us dig Thursdays on El Rey.  In truth, if you like cool movies, this channel has you covered whether you dig kung fu or not.  Cult classics are the norm and there are gory horror flicks like City of the Living Dead running when Mad Max isn't ripping down the asphalt in The Road Warrior.  Hey look, it's Taxi Driver!  Like I wondered at the start of the paragraph, what's not to love?

So what's happening on El Rey aside from all the groovy movies?  Well, there's Lucha Underground, for starters.  I dig the wrasslin' and let me assure you, you've never seen wrasslin' like this.  The environment, the atmosphere, the moves--Lucha Underground is a wicked ride.  If you don't like wrasslin' you may actually dig this, and lifelong fans of suplexes and DDTs may just lose their minds watching this shit.  It's insane.

Of course, there's more.  I really dig watching Rodriguez sit down with other directors and talk shop on The Director's Chair.  You know that I had a blast watching John Carpenter dish on his biggest hits and share his thoughts on the film industry in general, and the two episodes devoted to QT were equally compelling.  There are other programs and even the ads and promos are nifty given that they have a distinct grindhouse feel. 

I just discovered El Rey a few weeks ago, so I know that I'm late to the party, but I'm quickly becoming this channel's biggest fan.  Do yourself a favor and tune in!

Cult Classics from Dimension X: Sssssss (1973)

 Cult Classics from Dimension X: Sssssss (1973)

If a movie revolves around a demented scientist named Dr. Stoner, who is experimenting on his teenage assistant in an attempt to turn him into a snake, it may be a cult classic.  Bonus points are awarded if the mad scientist in question is doing this because he has strange views.  Essentially, he is trying to prepare his species for an impending apocalypse that he believes will destroy humanity but leave snakes unharmed.  Yet, despite the fact that our mad scientist is named Dr. Stoner and he comes armed with a kooky scheme, the reason that Sssssss actually works is the serious and deliberate nature of the piece.  The plot sounds like one of those cheesy horror flicks where the lousy effects and the unintended laughs are plentiful.  Now, there are lousy effects and unintended laughs on display here, but the picture is surprisingly grounded and far less sensational than one might expect.

This is what happens when you take a job for a dude named Dr. Stoner.

 The body count is pretty low and the acting is pretty damn good.  Strother Martin does a great job of bringing levity to a role that most anyone else would have gone overboard with.  His Dr. Stoner is a believable lunatic and not some cackling maniac, and he is very adept with the snakes.  He is totally convincing and this is essential as the film is centered on his bizarre experiments.  Dirk Benedict is a bit wooden as Dr. Stoner's ill-fated assistant, David, but he is also innocent and naive enough to bring genuine sympathy to the part.  Heather Menzies is given most of the big dramatic bits as Dr. Stoner's daughter, Kristina, and she proves thoroughly capable.  The rest of the cast is game and Reb Brown makes his film debut as a macho bully who makes an impact in a meager role.

The snakes are the star attraction here and there are plenty of them.  A variety of species grace the screen, to include cobras, a black mamba, a python, and various others.  The footage with the reptiles is impressive and next to Strother Martin's presence, said footage is the movie's biggest asset.  The effects work that we are treated to as Dr. Stoner works to transform David into a snake is far less impressive, but the acting and the script nearly compensate for these hokey visuals.

The snakes are the star of Sssssss and this guy gets top billing.

At the end of the day, Sssssss is far from a great film, and it may not even be a good one.  Yet it is far superior to the movie most would expect based on the title and the plot--and yes, the fact that we're dealing with a Dr. Stoner.  The acting is surprisingly worthwhile, and the wealth of footage with live snakes and the thoughtful approach that Bernard L. Kowalski took with his direction make for a surprisingly effective cult classic.  If you're a fan of horror films, snakes, and mad scientists, this Sssssss is for you.  Pick up your copy today, and when you do, tell them that Dr. Stoner sent you.

 Sssssss Trivia:

Allegedly, the only shots in the film featuring a fake snake are when Dr. Stoner grabs the king cobra and when the police shoot the king cobra at the end.  It has been stated numerous times that the actors interacted with real snakes (to include 5 king cobras), none of which were defanged, and all of which had full venom capabilities.  Whether this is accurate or not, the cast (Strother Martin in particular) is extremely comfortable with their reptilian co-stars.

In addition to the cast and crew working with live snakes, the mongoose/cobra battle in the closing reel is not a product of special effects.  The final outcome of this throwdown isn't shown, but it certainly appears as though the cobra is going down.  

The scene where Dirk Benedict and Heather Menzies go skinny-dipping featured nudity.  The leaves that conceal the talent's pink parts were added in post-production in a successful bid to avoid an R rating.