Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Short Attention Span Review - Devilfish a.k.a. Monster Shark (1984)

Disclaimer: yes, this is another bad movie I love.  Been revisiting a lot of those lately.  Devilfish is one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.  It is atrocious in too many ways to list in a single review, much less one of my Short Attention Span Reviews.  And yet, I love it.  This love affair goes all the way back to my teens.  A rental store I frequented (Brewer's was the name, and anyone who also hails from lowly southside VA may well have treasured the place as much as I did) had a copy, but it was never available.  I guess someone lost it.  So, I would look at the box, and given my love for shark movies and Italian horror, it seemed like a potential classic.  Honestly, take a gander at that poster.  Looks pretty fucking cool, doesn't it?  Yeah, I thought so too.  Anyway, time passed.  No shit, it may have been a year--it was several months at a minimum, and then one fateful day the rental copy showed up.  I don't know if someone found it and returned it, or if it had been misplaced somewhere in the store and they located it.  Either way, one Friday night it was there.  I had to see it, and I was expecting a showstopper.  What I beheld that night was an absolute turd, but it had me roaring with laughter.  Some of the dialogue is wretched (the sheriff repeatedly says "What we are dealing with is a monster," and his wooden delivery paired with that lovely line gets me every time), many of the performances are far worse (there is a surefire candidate for worst death scene ever filmed included in the picture), the effects are horrendous, and the plot is the worst thing about the movie.  But it is somehow entertaining, perhaps because it is so hilariously inept, but also because Lamberto Bava was a good enough director to keep things lively in spite of all the movie's considerable failings.  Over the years, I would rent this one often and show it to people for kicks.  I even got my parents to watch it one Saturday night, and while my dad did little but groan, my dear departed mother laughed herself silly.  It remains a personal favorite for all the wrong reasons, and these days I seem to enjoy it more each time I view it.  I'm giving it a C+ here, even though it surely registers as an F.  Give me another twenty years and it may raise to a B in my book.

Final Grade: C+

Just look at that shit.  This movie is fucking terrible.  And that's what makes it so awesome.

Short Attention Span Review: Nightmare City (1980)

Short Attention Span Review: Nightmare City (1980)

Nightmare City is a rather glorious piece of shit.  There's a part of me (and it's not a small part) that wants to leave it at that.  That single statement would serve as a perfect review for this movie, yet I can't stifle the need to elaborate.  Nightmare City isn't just bad, it's very, very bad.  Okay, it's fucking horrible.  It is a perfect example of a cheap Italian horror movie, complete with an absurd script, weak acting, Z grade special effects, copious amounts of shoddy gore and pointless T&A, and characters who are largely defined by their need to make terrible decisions in moments of crisis.  The only thing missing is a laugh track.  But the whole thing is engineered (poorly) with such indisputable passion and vigor that it somehow rises above these shortcomings.  There are even a few areas where Nightmare City actually shines.  Umberto Lenzi directs this trash as well as trash can be directed, for one, and I do mean that as a compliment.  The score is both bonkers and sheer perfection; there could be no better score for this particular serving of cinematic garbage.  Finally, there's Hugo Stiglitz in the lead role.  Yes, dude is wooden as hell.  Yes, the script does him no favors.  Yes, he is legendary.  He seems like a mild-mannered reporter at first, but then the shit hits the fan, and our boy becomes a tough-talking, ass-kicking, and hard-drinking warrior of the apocalypse.  He kicks the shit out of zombies* (literally, his kick may not be all that impressive, but it sends several zombies flying), he throws axes, and he is comfortable mowing down undead ghouls with machine guns or hurling grenades at them.  He drinks whiskey and encourages his woman to stay strong and keep walking after he has firebombed their station wagon with a Molotov Cocktail*.  That's the kind of shit that happens in Nightmare City, peeps, and that's why we love movies like this.

*Okay, they're not actually zombies.  They're irradiated bloodsuckers who can run and wield weapons.

**This happens after the pair stop at a gas station and become surrounded while engaging in a philosophical debate about the pitfalls of modern society and the potential benefits of survival in a radioactive wasteland.  Yes, they should have fueled up and peeled out, but one of the writers went into message mode, so our boy Hugo just had to blow that fucking station wagon to bits and start stepping toward certain death.

Final Grade: B

It's not a special effects extravaganza, it's a straight up bullshit extravaganza.  And I loved it.  

Top 20 Horror Movies - #6) Deep Red (1975)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)
#18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)
#17) Alien (1979) 
#16) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
#15) Suspiria (1977) 
#14) Phantasm (1979)
#13) Evil Dead 2 (1985)
#12) Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) 
#11) The Descent (2005)
#10) Fright Night (1985)
#9) Halloween (1978)
#8) Return of the Living Dead (1985)
#7) An American Werewolf in London (1981)

Dario Argento strikes again!  Seriously, these days the dude can't make a decent movie to save his life, but there was a time when he was a force to be reckoned with.  This is his finest achievement, a robust offering that is well-loved by many and yet vastly underrated.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #6) Deep Red (1975)

Dario Argento used to make top-notch horror films; he was known for his deft use of a moving camera and his lively color palettes which served to inject a surreal element into his work.  Dario was no stranger to gore either, and he had a serious jones for twisted plots.  Though he has completely lost his ability to make a quality film in this day and age, Argento was lighting up the screen with sensational chillers and gruesome thrillers in the 70s and 80s.  In my personal opinion, while Suspiria will always be more popular, this is his finest film.  Suspiria was #15 on my list and it is surely a top-shelf horror film, but for my money, Deep Red is more exciting and far more fulfilling.  While Suspiria is a fairy tale of sorts, Deep Red is a blood-curdling mystery that is equal parts slasher flick and ghost story, though to label it as either would be inaccurate.  David Hemmings stars as a pianist who witnesses a horrific murder without being able to identify the killer.  Soon, he and an intrepid reporter (the wonderful Daria Nicolodi as Gianna Brezzi) are trying to solve a vicious mystery that reaches into the past.  As they work to uncover the truth, the death toll rises and it becomes quite clear that they are in great danger.  Stellar cinematography, an amazing score by Goblin, and one of Argento's most inventive plots come together in Deep Red, an elaborate whodunit that is full of scares and twists.  Finally, while there can be no doubt that the death scenes in Suspiria are sick and demented, the murders that occur in Deep Red may be even more disturbing. 

The moral of the story?  If you witness a brutal murder, do yourself a favor and leave the subsequent investigation to the police.

A spectacular score, gruesome kills, and creepy imagery are among Deep Red's many highlights.

Short Attention Span Review: Devil Fish (1984)

This week I've been reviewing some quality Italian horror films for those of you who dig my blog.  I've provided my take on one of the late Lucio Fulci's better films, City of the Living Dead.  I also gave you my thoughts on my favorite chiller from Dario Argento, Deep Red.  Well, today we're taking a look at another Italian horror film, but I can't really vouch for the quality of this Lamberto Bava movie from 1984.  In fact, I think it's safe to say that Devil Fish is a terrible movie.  No, it's worse than that.  Calling it terrible is an insult to all of the movies out there that are merely terrible, and not so awful that it is downright embarrassing.  Yet, I have some affection for this turd, and here's why: it is absolutely one of those "so bad that it's good" pictures.  Scary?  Shit.  Hilarious?  Absolutely.  It is entirely possible that Devil Fish represents a high-water mark for unintentional comedy.  There are special effects that are so pitiful that one might wonder if the filmmakers let their children design and operate the creature.  There are death scenes that are so poorly acted that you may wonder how anyone on set was able to keep a straight face during filming.  You won't be able to keep a straight face while watching, I can promise you that.  The direction is woeful, the score sounds like the work of inept musicians playing broken instruments, and the script is idiotic at its best and dumber than Dumb & Dumber at its worst.  As a result, the laughs are frequent, and I am being 100% sincere when I say that Devil Fish is funnier than a lot of comedies that I've watched.  Like many films of this sort, it probably wears out its welcome long before its over, but if you turn it off at any point, it's not like you have to worry that you're missing a cool part.  There are no cool parts.  Lamberto Bava is the son of notable director Mario Bava, a terrific filmmaker whose worst feature film was surely about 100 times as good as this atrocity.  Lamberto would go on to direct Demons (a personal favorite of mine), so he was capable of making a good flick.  With that in mind, it's hard to say what went wrong with Devil Fish.  Actually, it's pretty easy, I guess, as obviously EVERYTHING went wrong with Devil Fish.  It's a blatant attempt to produce a Jaws ripoff on a shoestring budget with a lousy script, a lousy cast, lousy effects, and a lousy score.  The end result is a lousy movie that only finds redemption by virtue of failing so badly that it winds up being amusing.

 Final Grade: F+

"Do as I say or I'll make you watch Devil Fish again!"

Short Attention Span Review: Deep Red (1975)

Yesterday, I reviewed one of Fulci's better movies (City of the Living Dead), so today I'm turning my attention to another notable Italian director who made his name in the horror genre.  While Fulci was celebrated for his excessive use of gore, Dario Argento was better known for his deft use of a moving camera and the way his creative cinematography and lively color palettes served to inject a surreal element into his work.  Dario was no stranger to gore either, and he also shared Fulci's enthusiasm for twisted plots.  Though he has completely lost his ability to make a decent film in this day and age, Argento was lighting up the screen with sensational chillers and gruesome thrillers in the 70s and 80s.  In my personal opinion, Deep Red may just be his best feature, though Suspiria will always be more popular.  Hey, that's okay--Suspiria is a top-shelf horror film, but for my money, Deep Red is more riveting and far more fulfilling.  While Suspiria is a fairy tale of sorts, Deep Red is a blood-curdling mystery that is equal parts slasher flick and ghost story, though to label it as either would be inaccurate.  David Hemmings stars as a pianist who witnesses a horrific murder without being able to identify the killer.  Soon, he and an intrepid reporter (the wonderful Daria Nicolodi as Gianna Brezzi) are trying to solve a vicious mystery that reaches into the past.  As they work to uncover the truth, the death toll rises and it becomes quite clear that they are in great danger.  Stellar cinematography, an amazing score by Goblin, and one of Argento's most inventive plots come together in Deep Red, an elaborate whodunit that is full of scares and twists. 

Final Grade: A

In Deep Red, David Hemmings is drawn into a savage mystery.  As he tries to unravel
a brutal murder, bodies continue to pile up until this shocker reaches a grim conclusion.

Short Attention Span Review: City of the Living Dead (1980)

Widely celebrated as a filmmaker who greatly enjoyed showering his audience with gore, Lucio Fulci was also incredibly talented when it came to establishing mood.  His movies also benefited from quality cinematography and unique plots.  City of the Living Dead is a great example of just what Fulci was capable of.  It is incredibly disgusting at times, so disgusting, in fact, that several sequences are truly difficult to watch.  It is also incredibly creepy, and the sinister mood deepens as the kooky story progresses.  Fulci seldom had the privilege of working with a stellar cast, but City of the Living Dead features Christopher George and Catriona MacColl as a mismatched pair of strangers who set out on a spooky trip to save the world.  They shine in this demented gem, and the supporting cast does a nifty job with the gruesome material as well.  Now, Fulci was always more interested in taking audiences on a ride than maintaining plausibility, so this blood-splattered oddity does include a few plot holes and some random crazy shit like teleporting zombies, people bleeding from their eyes and then puking out their intestines, and maggot showers.  The score is ominous, accentuating a number of tense moments that make all the brutal demises sprinkled throughout the picture that much more intense when they arrive.  City of the Living Dead isn't a great horror film, but it's very effective.  It's a strange zombie film with a bit of a Lovecraft vibe and a lot of energy.  It's not Fulci's best film, but it is one of his better offerings, and those who enjoy this sort of material should definitely take a little trip to the City of the Living Dead.  Just make sure to pack a barf-bag. 

Final Grade: C+

In City of the Living Dead, once the bleeding from the eyes begins,
watch out--things are about to get incredibly disgusting.