Short Attention Span Review - Ready or Not (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Ready or Not (2019)

A lot of people hyped this one up, but the premise and the ad campaign didn't exactly rock my world. When I sat down to watch it this weekend, it started out fine, but I still wasn't sure that it would make good on all that noise.  And then it just started to click for me.  In a big way.  I cringed, I gasped.  I laughed out loud.  Not like when you type "lol," but like when you really do laugh out loud.  Anyway, the movie just seemed to get better and better, and unlike many pictures that gain such momentum, it absolutely nailed the end.  By the time the credits had rolled, I felt pretty sure that I had just enjoyed a new classic.  This is one of those ventures that holds massive appeal for me: a quirky and subversive vessel ripe with humor and gore.  Ready or Not is a great example of how to balance morbid guffaws with unexpected splashes of blood and guts.  There are tense moments, surprises, gratuitous displays of audacious mayhem, sly chuckles, big laughs, and even bigger laughs.  The script is a delicious oddity, the direction is sound despite a few offputting choices where the color palette is concerned, and the talent makes the most of the material.  This is the kind of film where it is so damn hard to pick a favorite.  Samara Weaving was a revelation as the spirited and tough heroine with a fondness for foul language--and great taste in shoes.  Adam Brody may have played the best drunk brother in the history of the cinema, and I guess that's a dubious honor, but it's an honor nonetheless.  Andie MacDowell paired warmth and an icy chill to perfection, while Nicky Guadagni put on a master class in creepy and intense.  And then there's Henry Czerny, who unraveled in glorious fashion, veering from practical and steady to outraged, incredulous, and hilariously unhinged.  Most importantly, the movie was just so damn entertaining.  It was a perfect example of the motion picture as a thrill ride, and I can't recommend this one highly enough.  Yes, I'm late to that party, but maybe I'm merely fashionably late.  Either way, Ready or Not is a blast, and I hope to find it playing on my television often.

Final Grade: A+

Ready or Not is a bloody good time at the movies.  Bravo!

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Blood Fest is one of those fast-paced and energetic flicks that aim to pay homage to the slasher sub-genre while finding a few new wrinkles to explore along the way.  But there's no concerted effort to deliver some sort of classic, to join the ranks of Halloween or Scream.  And that, my friends, is a good thing.  In my humble opinion, there's no better way to muck up this beloved sub-genre than to start thinking franchise and legacy before you put one rock-solid film in the can.   Blood Fest has no illusions of grandeur, but it wants to shake and move from the first shot all the way to the last.  It peppers us with diabolical kills, laughs, cool characters to spare, and some gnarly sets and shenanigans.  It works in most of these areas far more often than it falters, and it really clicks where those characters are concerned.  I liked all of our principals, with a secondary character who was a misunderstood actor who had portrayed a slasher himself being my favorite.  This gave the picture a bit more importance than it may have warranted otherwise, and each kill hit me pretty hard.  In the average slasher flick, there are one or two characters you dig, a handful of characters you could care less about, and at least one schmuck who can't get offed soon enough.  This picture has a schmuck, to be sure, but beyond that, I really liked everyone else mired in this quirky struggle for survival.  The set-up worked, the effects were quality, the score was on point, and the talent in front of the camera and their peers toiling behind the camera all earned their pay.  Was it a great horror movie?  No, but that was never in the cards.  Was it a fun slasher flick that I can easily recommend to all of my readers?  Damn straight.  Job well done, Blood Fest.

Final Grade: B+

Bloody, fun, witty, and (most importantly) populated by likable characters, Blood Fest is a worthwhile slasher flick that this particular horror junkie slept on for far too long. 

Short Attention Span Review - Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Short Attention Span Review - Dog Eat Dog (2016)

Dark as all get out, quirky at every turn, and punctuated by startling displays of violence, Dog Eat Dog is a comedy at heart.  And it's a sick comedy, and several key plot points are nothing short of revolting, but damn if it isn't funny.  Aside from dishing out disturbing chuckles, it also takes time to explore the nature of good and evil at the intersection of convenience if not need, and it asks whether or not a hardened con is more or less inclined (or even capable) of changing after spending time behind bars.  None of the answers this quixotic offering from Paul Schrader provides are all that hopeful, and many of the biggest questions aren't really answered at all.  This is a journey with an ultimate destination that is difficult to define, and there are several junctures where the line between reality and fantasy are blurred.  In truth, I think Schrader was more interested in showcasing his talent and provoking the audience than in arriving at anything resembling a conclusion, and this may be both the picture's greatest flaw and its biggest selling point.  Cage is on in a relatively tame performance, while Dafoe is at his best in a dizzying turn as a run of the mill fearsome lovable lunatic with bloody hands and a warm smile.  I can't tell you what it all means, but I can tell you that I laughed way more than I should have, and I was never bored by this wonky caper flick from a tinseltown legend who shows no signs of mellowing with age.

Final Grade: B

It can't be easy to out-crazy Nicolas Cage on set, but this guy got the job done.  In truth, the script decided this battle in his favor before filming ever started.

Powerful Pages: The Tommyknockers by Stephen King (1987)

Powerful Pages: The Tommyknockers by Stephen King (1987)

I often hear The Tommyknockers labeled a lesser outing from Stephen King, and I've never heard anyone recommend it.  Even the author himself has derided the novel as bloated, essentially surmising that it ran twice as long as it should have because he was too coked up to take his foot off the gas.  And yet, writing a book is a lot like casting a spell, and a reader can tolerate a lot of excess if they are sufficiently captivated.  While I will not argue that the book takes a while to get going and sags (a lot) in the middle, I must confess that I'm going to rate it far higher than most of my peers.  In fact, I really enjoyed The Tommyknockers, warts and all.  I attribute this to two pivotal elements of this massive tome.  First, I had a lot of fun with the main character.  Deeply flawed and viciously self-destructive, Jim Gardner may have been the unlikeliest of unlikely heroes.  However, he also had some charm at his disposal, and his reckless passions were described well enough to be understood if not endorsed.  Dude was funny too, with his unraveling at a disastrous dinner party in the somewhat tedious first act practically jumping off the page.  This sequence instantly netted a place as one of my favorite passages from King.  And when the chips were down, it was both easy to root for the guy and easy to believe that he might just come through in spite of all his shortcomings.  The second aspect of The Tommyknockers that I greatly appreciated was the ending, which delivered in a big way.  I am a big fan of King, but as many will agree, he is not necessarily known for sticking the landing.  The last act of The Tommyknockers was smoking hot, deftly combining action on a grand scale, unspeakable horror, and a pronounced emotional wallop.  Is The Tommyknockers worthy of a spot in King's top ten?  Surely not, but it is far from one of his lesser efforts.  I rate it as a quality read courtesy of this generation's most beloved writer, and I strongly encourage anyone who has a tough time with the beginning to hang on for that wicked climax.

Final Grade: A

Powerful Pages: Lightning in a Bottle by Monte Dutton (2017)

Powerful Pages: Lighting in a Bottle by Monte Dutton (2017)

Monte Dutton is a promising author who I consider a friend, a fellow outsider who is more interested in spinning an entertaining yarn and delivering readers a good time than assembling the necessary ingredients for whatever is en vogue within the industry this week.  He has a strong background writing pieces about Nascar, so it is no surprise that his adventures on the printed page finally brought him to a meditation on auto racing.  With Lightning in a Bottle, Dutton has conjured up precisely the type of driver his semi-fascist racing entity FASCAR needs--even if this frisky upstart also happens to be precisely the type of driver the powers that be are hoping to avoid.  Barrie Jarman is bold and ambitious, an "aw shucks" country boy whose easy-going demeanor masks a keen intellect.  A quick study with a quicker tongue, Barrie has a God-given ability to tear it up at the track--any track.  He's also fiercely protective of his identity and his need to express himself, and going along to get along isn't one of his many skills.  His adventures on the racing circuit are the backbone of a brisk yarn that also concerns itself with family dynamics, the cost of success, the war against corporate tyranny, and a host of political issues.  If that sounds heavy, fear not, for Dutton's warm approach coupled with his light touch keep things moving and interesting at all times, and he never substitutes a sermon for a punchline.  His ear for dialogue and his racing IQ are on full display throughout, and one might argue that these are the books greatest strengths.  In terms of plotting and excitement, I can't identify any real flaws, but sometimes the broad strokes and rollicking pace work against the material.  There were numerous points where I wanted a closer examination of the various conflicts at play, and I also yearned to savor Barrie's triumphs a bit more.  However, I'm not willing to take Monte to task; I liked Barrie too much for that, and I laughed way too damn much to complain.  While Barrie's presence and drive are the beating heart of Lightning in a Bottle, I must admit that the narrator, his seen-it-all Uncle Charlie, quickly emerged as my favorite character.  Monte has captured lightning in a bottle with Barrie, no doubt about that, and I'm eager to read more about this hell-raising one-of-a-kind, but Uncle Charlie's grass roots philosophy dressed up as dry humor took the checkered flag in the race to my funny bone.  Fresh and captivating, Lightning in a Bottle is a quick read that will tickle and inspire you in equal measures.

Final Grade: A-

Zipper Down from Eagles of Death Metal (released 10/2/15)

Zipper Down arrived from EODM today, and this crazy band's first album since 2008 is probably their silliest offering yet.  That's okay, for being silly and having a groovy good time while rocking out and making fun of themselves is precisely what the Eagles of Death Metal specialize in.  I thought their last album (Heart On) was a little less spirited than their previous outings, but though they may have cranked up the humor on Zipper Down, they're certainly not phoning it in.  It doesn't have quite the same punch as their first release (2004's totally stupendous Peace, Love, Death Metal) but it is a mean recording.  It has a lot of juice, and the boys are clearly having a good time tearing it up on tracks like "Oh Girl," Skin-Tight Boogie," and "The Reverend."  "Silverlake," the previously released jab at hipsters, is probably the most entertaining song from Zipper Down, but the textured revamp of the 1982 Duran Duran single "Save a Prayer" (from Rio) is seriously impressive.  Cheeky, high-octane, and full of swagger and style, Zipper Down is another super cool album from one hell of a super cool band.

Final Grade: B+

If this picture could make noise,
it would sound like an Eagles of Death Metal song.

EODM's New Song Totally Rocks (No Surprise There)

Zipper Down from Eagles of Death Metal is due out on 10/2.

Thus far, those dashing Eagles of Death Metal have released three tracks from their upcoming album, Zipper Down.  The first two, "Complexity" and "Got a Woman," are solid tracks.  The first is cheeky and upbeat and the second is a lightning-paced rock and roll jam that I liked a bit more.  However, both of those songs pale in comparison to the track the band debuted most recently.  "Silverlake" is a fab song that is full of oomph and humor, allowing the band to shred and make fun of hipsters in equal measures.  The end result is one of my favorite songs from this groovy band and it definitely ramps up my enthusiasm as the arrival of Zipper Down draws nigh.  If you've never experienced this silly rock affair anchored by the lovable Jesse Hughes and his wacky pal Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) on drums, this new album may prove to be a great starting point.  Arriving seven years after they last dropped an album on us (2008's Heart On, a nifty record that I liked--even if it is easily the band's least impressive offering to date), the upcoming release boasts eleven tracks, including a cover of Duran Duran's "Save a Prayer."  If it lives up to the feel good vibe that the red hot and unabashedly cool "Silverlake" generates, music lovers everywhere are going to have a great time getting down with Zipper Down.

Listen to the latest from EODM here.

Short Attention Span Review: Devil Fish (1984)

This week I've been reviewing some quality Italian horror films for those of you who dig my blog.  I've provided my take on one of the late Lucio Fulci's better films, City of the Living Dead.  I also gave you my thoughts on my favorite chiller from Dario Argento, Deep Red.  Well, today we're taking a look at another Italian horror film, but I can't really vouch for the quality of this Lamberto Bava movie from 1984.  In fact, I think it's safe to say that Devil Fish is a terrible movie.  No, it's worse than that.  Calling it terrible is an insult to all of the movies out there that are merely terrible, and not so awful that it is downright embarrassing.  Yet, I have some affection for this turd, and here's why: it is absolutely one of those "so bad that it's good" pictures.  Scary?  Shit.  Hilarious?  Absolutely.  It is entirely possible that Devil Fish represents a high-water mark for unintentional comedy.  There are special effects that are so pitiful that one might wonder if the filmmakers let their children design and operate the creature.  There are death scenes that are so poorly acted that you may wonder how anyone on set was able to keep a straight face during filming.  You won't be able to keep a straight face while watching, I can promise you that.  The direction is woeful, the score sounds like the work of inept musicians playing broken instruments, and the script is idiotic at its best and dumber than Dumb & Dumber at its worst.  As a result, the laughs are frequent, and I am being 100% sincere when I say that Devil Fish is funnier than a lot of comedies that I've watched.  Like many films of this sort, it probably wears out its welcome long before its over, but if you turn it off at any point, it's not like you have to worry that you're missing a cool part.  There are no cool parts.  Lamberto Bava is the son of notable director Mario Bava, a terrific filmmaker whose worst feature film was surely about 100 times as good as this atrocity.  Lamberto would go on to direct Demons (a personal favorite of mine), so he was capable of making a good flick.  With that in mind, it's hard to say what went wrong with Devil Fish.  Actually, it's pretty easy, I guess, as obviously EVERYTHING went wrong with Devil Fish.  It's a blatant attempt to produce a Jaws ripoff on a shoestring budget with a lousy script, a lousy cast, lousy effects, and a lousy score.  The end result is a lousy movie that only finds redemption by virtue of failing so badly that it winds up being amusing.

 Final Grade: F+

"Do as I say or I'll make you watch Devil Fish again!"

Short Attention Span Review: Dead Heat (1988)

Last night, I watched Dead Heat for the first time in a while.  This silly zombie/buddy cop feature has always been one of my personal favorites, and I'm pleased to report that it is aging well.  The effects still rock and the nifty mix of laughs and thrills continues to work.  Of course, the best thing about the movie are the actors in the lead roles.  Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo, two more-than-capable performers who never truly got their due, work extremely well together here.  Neither part represents an easy gig, but both men are spot-on, nailing both the action bits and the comedy.  The movie races along, running a brisk 86 minutes, and the ending is a nice touch.  Seriously, it's hard to go out on a positive note after you've killed all of your main characters, but that's precisely what happens here.  If you have never seen Dead Heat and you dig zombies or buddy cop pictures, do check this one out.

Final Grade: A-

Male-Bonding Trailer

Male-Bonding was shot in 2004.  I think it was 2004.  Maybe it was 2003.  It was a long time ago, and bringing this particular project to fruition has been quite an adventure.  The short was nearly completed mere months after being shot, yet a tragic twist of fate (or human error, maybe that's a better description) rendered the movie and the footage lost for ages.  Years, anyway.  Then the footage was located just in time to be lost again.  True story.  Finally, the footage was found, and (drum roll, please) assembled.  It was like the making of Apocalypse Now, only far less significant and dramatic. 

So, here's the Male-Bonding Trailer.  Scope it out, share your thoughts, and I'll keep you posted on this twisted little jolt of black humor. 

Oh Yes, I Did

So, this is our tree.  It's not going to win any awards, but it looks nice.  There's a lack of ornaments on the bottom third of the tree because my wife and I have three children and an abundance of pets, and we both hate to fight losing battles.  Anyway, I recently made quite an addition to the tree.  I don't know if you spotted it or not, but it took Kristen approximately .0001113 seconds.

I mean, I think it looks great.  It's not just that I like beer, and not just that I'm extremely fond of PBR, but they could market these things as ornaments if they really wanted to.  It's cheerful, it's festive, and it's easy enough to hang on the tree using the tab. 

Happy holidays, peeps!

Spidey vs. Bats

Note: read prior to clicking the link

Kudos to the good people of SCREWATTACK.  What a cheerful bunch.  They've really brought something special to us, and I find that I must concur with most of their conclusions.  However, I fear that the outcome would be far more decisive.

vs.

You be the judge:

Spidey vs. Bats

Note: read after clicking the link

What?
It wasn't silly.  You mine the internet for little gems like that.  That was educational.
I think those gentlemen are doing fine work.