Short Attention Span Review: The Ritual (2017)

Short Attention Span Review: The Ritual (2017)

While I felt that Hereditary stunk up the joint in a big way, I did recently scope out a truly unnerving horror film on Netflix.  Despite the fact that the plot hinges on four otherwise intelligent dudes deciding to take a shortcut through the woods (and sticking to that shortcut despite several clear warnings in the first act that would have inspired any reasonable soul to backtrack), this is a somber outing with some big scares up its sleeve.  Yes, The Ritual may suffer from a few serious lapses in character logic, but it will still scare you silly thanks to a potent atmosphere, a fine score, and some magnificent effects.  An exercise in mounting dread, it doesn't take long for this one to grab viewers, and the pace is relentless, with things getting tougher and tougher for our protagonists as the picture deftly marches toward unspeakable terror.  What awaits our largely unknown cast is a different sort of menace, and this gruesome monstrosity is brought to life in magical ways.  I think The Ritual features one of the best creature designs in recent memory, and the final reel is loaded with amazing visuals that allow the horror to take root.  There is also a lot of depth to the piece, with the characters turning on one another and struggling to come to terms with their unlikely fate in believable fashion.  It's also willing to ask some tough questions, and our response to fear and danger is probed in such a manner that will lead the viewer to ponder whether they would stand their ground or submit in extreme circumstances.  This difficult introspection is perhaps the heart and soul of the piece, and it is handled in such a way that this troubling debate gives the film incredible gravitas.  The acting is another of The Ritual's strengths, and all told, I found this one to be a grim and disturbing voyage into a wicked unknown.  I have to take a few points away for the boneheaded behavior in the opening reel, but beyond that, I have no complaints.  Most importantly, it gave me the willies.

Final Grade: B+

Let this be the last word on the matter: there is no such thing as a shortcut through the woods.

Short Attention Span Review: Videodrome (1983)

Short Attention Span Review: Videodrome (1983)

Videodrome is probably body horror maestro David Cronenberg's most bizarre film, and that is surely a noteworthy achievement.  In addition to featuring some of his most disgusting imagery, it is also one of his most perplexing motion pictures.  At the same time, it has an inexplicable appeal that keeps the viewer glued to the screen.  James Woods is perfectly cast as Max Renn, a sleazy cable programmer looking for a show that will shock audiences enough to put his meager station on the map.  He finds "Videodrome" and becomes obsessed with the twisted program even as this addiction triggers violent hallucinations that send his life into a downward spiral.  Debbie Harry is also pretty damn sublime as his masochistic love interest who is equally drawn to the show.  I've always felt that there's an eerie parallel between the way this gross mindbender entrances the viewer and the story itself, which depicts Max losing his ability to tell the difference between reality and fantasy as his fascination with the perverse "Videodrome" program grows.  Cronenberg's frequent collaborator Howard Shore provides a worthy score and Rick Baker's vintage effects work is still impressive to behold.  Most importantly, the central theme of the picture (modern society's dependence upon and vicarious living through media and the dangers thereof) is just as relevant today as it was back in 1983--if not more so.  The ending is decidedly grim, but stands as the perfect way to punctuate this diabolical affair that is every bit as compelling as it is grotesque.  I'm a big fan of Cronenberg's work, and while I can't put this one up there with The Fly, it's probably my second favorite film that he directed.

Final Grade: A

This is a pretty kooky image--and it's not even one of the weird parts.  True story: Videodrome is strange as hell.

Top 20 Horror Movies - #3) The Thing (1982)

One of the things that I'm doing this month as I celebrate Halloween here in the Land of Way is taking the time to rank my Top 20 Horror Movies and my Top 20 Horror Novels.

Note:
I want to be clear that I'm basing these choices on my own humble opinion.  I'm not trying to rank these movies in accordance with their place in pop culture, but I'm offering up my take on the best horror films that I have ever watched and enjoyed.  There are some familiar candidates that I consider to be great pictures that didn't make the cut because there wasn't room, and there are some films that are widely regarded as great pictures that didn't make the cut because I feel that they are overrated.  There are also a few instances where it was difficult to determine whether or not a movie belonged to the horror genre (I said "no" to Aliens but "yes" to Jaws), and it may also be worth noting that this is largely a modern list (as long as you're okay with my classification of modern as anything after 1960) that only features one lonely creature from the so-called "Classic Monsters" films produced by Universal Studios.

Thus far, the list includes:

#20) The Fly (1986) 
#19) The Howling (1981)
#18) Night of the Living Dead (1968)
#17) Alien (1979) 
#16) Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
#15) Suspiria (1977) 
#14) Phantasm (1979)
#13) Evil Dead 2 (1985)
#12) Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) 
#11) The Descent (2005)
#10) Fright Night (1985)
#9) Halloween (1978)
#8) Return of the Living Dead (1985) 
#7) An American Werewolf in London (1981)
#6) Deep Red (1975)
#5) The Shining (1980) 
#4) Dawn of the Dead (1978)

My favorite director strikes again!  That's right, John Carpenter's back in the mix with his best horror flick, a picture that was savaged by critics and labelled a failure after it struck out at the box office.
  

Top 20 Horror Movies - #3) The Thing (1982)

John Carpenter is directly responsible for so many awesome movies.  Many were major hits, but he has also produced his fair share of cult classics.  That's why it should probably come as no surprise that his best horror film was so poorly regarded upon its initial release.  Arriving hot on the heels of E.T., this grim and gory monster movie was too dark for mainstream success in 1982, but over time more and more people have warmed up to it.  Kurt Russell is the star, and though this part is far more somber than the roles he played in his other pairings with Carpenter, he delivers another riveting performance.  The effects courtesy of Rob Bottin are outrageous and the main theme from Ennio Morricone (this is the rare instance where Carpenter passed the baton on that front) is a truly magnificent symphony of doom.  The locations give the movie the stark realism that it needs to draw audiences into a tense and horrific struggle that leads to a bleak conclusion with apocalyptic implications.  Carpenter's shot selection is superb and his dynamic vision yields a fantastic vision of isolation and desperation unlike any other.  Technically a remake, this epic creature greatly improves upon The Thing From Another World, a nifty gem from 1951.  Despite the downer nature of the piece, it remains one of my favorite horror films to watch.  The movie I have at #1 on this list is so damn disturbing that I rarely view it, but The Thing is a great movie to revisit whenever you want to see Kurt Russell rock cinema's gnarliest beard in John Carpenter's mindbending trip to Antarctica.  It's an immersive experience that slowly draws the viewer into a paranoia-fueled nightmare where brave men battle a wretched invader from beyond the stars.  It's The Thing, the biggest and baddest monster movie of them all, and I'm thrilled to include it here.

According to John Carpenter, Rob Bottin got the job on the basis of his kooky storyboards.  Once they got on set, John asked him how he was going to pull all this crazy stuff off and Rob basically said, "Shit, man.  I don't know."  In the end, he delivered in a big way, and his effects are a big reason why fans continue to flip out over The Thing.

Obviously, I've got mad love for Carpenter, and I'm also a huge Kurt Russell fan, so I should note that their work together may represent the best that each of these supremely talented individuals had to offer.

Short Attention Span Review - Tron (1982)

Fun, colorful, and thoroughly unique, Tron remains an exciting motion picture experience that is equal parts cool and curious.  Jeff Bridges, Bruce Boxleitner, and David Warner are among the gifted performers appearing in this Disney classic, but the real star of the picture has to be the stellar effects.  The computer world that is the setting for most of the movie is realized due to an inventive process that yields an amazing product that will never be duplicated.  Despite arriving at the very infancy of modern computer effects (the Academy supposedly refused to consider nominating Tron for its special effects work because the use of computers was considered "cheating"), the jazzy blend of kooky sets, computer graphics, and black and white photography that was subsequently animated is still a joy to behold.  The plot is a cool medley of corporate intrigue and video game glory, the score is bold, and the action sequences are riveting.  Tron is a great example of imagination and technical wizardry joining forces to tell a dynamic story.  There's little to complain about when it comes to this beloved film that was widely viewed as a flop upon its release.  Maybe the characterizations are fairly routine and suspense is often generated at the expense of drama.  Honestly, it doesn't really matter.  The characters are likable enough and this is a picture that is more interested in blowing minds than enriching them.  In somewhat of a surprise, time has been rather kind to Tron and those who enjoy science fiction and family time may have a hard time finding a better movie to share with their loved ones.  

Final Grade: A

Jeff Bridges may have been the budding star in 1982
and Bruce Boxleitner may have played the titular character,
but David Warner nearly stole the show as the icy villain in Tron.

Short Attention Span Review: The Relic (1996)

It's an old story: a great book goes to Hollywood and becomes the basis for a lesser movie.  What can I say?  The best stories are told on paper and they can't always be transferred to the big screen without losing a little something along the way.  Sometimes they lose a lot.  Yet there are cases--like The Relic--where the book is so incredible that even a lukewarm adaptation makes for an entertaining show.  While it is surely a far cry from the book, to include the absence of the novel's main character and a far less impressive conclusion, The Relic still works in a variety of ways.  The mood and the sets are top-notch and the very idea of setting a creature feature in a museum (which is poised to debut a new exhibit entitled "Superstition") gives the picture a slick and creepy vibe.  The cast (Penelope Ann Miller and Tom Sizemore are the stars, and the wonderful Linda Hunt makes the most of her role) is on point and the direction c/o Peter Hyams is equal parts ominous and exciting.  Stan Winston provided a stellar design for the monster and most of the effects are solid.  The Relic also benefits from holding off on showing us the beast that roams the halls of the museum until the closing reel, generating a lot of suspense on the way to the grand finale.  Unfortunately, the biggest failing from the effects team comes during the climax of the picture, . . . and that's a real bummer.  Honestly, if there were no book to compare this film to and the final confrontation with the fearsome creature that causes so much havoc along the way wasn't bungled, this would be classic horror fare.  As it is, it's well worth a watch in spite of its flaws, and viewers who dig horror should be able to sink their teeth into this one.  It's not the horror movie equivalent of a good steak, but a decent burger will do in a pinch.

Final Grade: C

Great sets are among the movie's many strengths.

Short Attention Span Review: Bait (2012)

Bait is just your average "great white sharks terrorize shoppers at the grocery store" movie, and while that particular sub-genre is overpopulated, this one manages to stand out.  Okay, so just to be clear, I am kidding about there being more than one of these absurdities, but I'm not kidding about Bait being a movie about people being terrorized by great white sharks at the grocery store.  Despite this ludicrous premise and an opening that is 100% terrible, the movie somehow works.  First off, the opening is awful.  I'm still not quite sure why I didn't turn Bait off after that bullshit, but I'm glad I didn't.  The picture that follows is gleefully idiotic, but it is also ferociously entertaining.  And after that opening convinced me that the special effects would be inferior to the great white carnage I used to enjoy while playing Jaws on my NES as a child, the rest of the movie benefits from superior effects work.  {Clarification: the term "superior effects work" as used in the previous statement applies to the effects seen in the opening reel of Bait as opposed to special effects in general.}  So, how did the sharks wind up in the grocery store?  See, the store was flooded during a tsunami, and as is so often the case when tsunamis occur, a pair of large great whites wind up trapped in the flooded supermarket.  Now, in addition to the presence of a pair of bloodthirsty sharks, there are number of interesting characters involved in various situations that could yield entire movies of their own stuck in the flooded store.  Among them are a brokenhearted dude and his former flame (I shit you not, their romance fell apart after he failed to save her brother from a shark attack in that totally inept opening scene), a sympathetic robber and his sadistic accomplice, a cop summoned to arrest a shoplifter who just so happens to be his daughter, and so on and so forth.  Truthfully, Bait should sink like a stone under the weight of the absurd premise and all the ridiculous contrivances that spring up throughout its 93 minute running time.  Yet it somehow gets the job done.  It's fun to watch and you will actually wind up liking some of these ridiculous characters and pulling for them as they struggle to survive in these ridiculous circumstances.  Julian McMahon (a guy who should have become a legitimate star and instead pulled hard time on Charmed and received third billing in Bait) does a great job as the sympathetic robber and deserves a lot of the credit for grounding this ludicrous yarn.  Kimble Rendall deserves some praise for holding this thing together as a director, and given how it turned out, I'm almost willing to pardon him for that opening.  Russell Mulcahy, the guy who gave us Highlander and Razorback (What? I like Razorback) helped out with the script.  I'm feeling generous, so I'll even point out that the effects team that totally shit the bed in the first ten minutes of the movie held it down when it mattered most.  In the end, I'm not sure how it happened, but in this silly movie with a woeful beginning wound up being an entertaining ride that I'm going to recommend.  I might even give it a "B." 

Final Grade: B-

It's hard to determine if it's the realism or the subtlety that make Bait so entertaining.

Short Attention Span Review: Night of the Living Dead (1990)

As is so often the case, this remake is inferior to the original, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a worthwhile zombie flick.  In spite of what you may have heard about Tom Savini's version of the George Romero classic that started it all, I rather enjoy it.  It's not groundbreaking and it doesn't bring anything new and inventive to this particular sub-genre, but that's okay.  It is a solid update with nifty effects and a good cast.  The score works for me, the mood is suitably grim, and I do enjoy it a lot.  In a rare role as the hero of a horror flick, Tony Todd is absolutely terrific, and Patricia Tallman also shows a great deal of range with her performance.  Most importantly, I thought Tom Towles was a bit of a revelation as the dick.  Most good horror movies have a dick and this Night of the Living Dead has one of the most irritating dicks you'll ever encounter.  Ideally, you don't spend a lot of time with irritating dicks to begin with, but you know what I'm saying.  Towles seldom fails to piss me off with his performance, yet there are a handful of occasions (most notably his "options" speech) that greatly amuse me.  The fact that Tony Todd has to deal with this dude makes him as much of a hero as his zombie-bashing exploits in this picture.  Additionally, I think Tom Savinia did a good job as the director.  There are no major shortcomings to complain about and his Night of the Living Dead doesn't deserve the bad reviews some have given it.  Now, if I make a list of the best zombie movies ever (been there, done that: link) you won't find this 1990 effort on the list, but I'm still going to recommend it.  It is not as shocking as the original and it isn't as wild or creative as many of the zombie movies that Romero's 1968 surprise hit has spawned, but it is an entertaining and well-made horror movie.

Final Grade: C+

Drinking Game: take a shot every time you want to punch this guy in the mouth.