Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

Short Attention Span Review - L.A. Bounty (1989)

People who read this blog are looking at that poster and seeing the names Sybil Danning and Wings Hauser, and I'm sure the obvious question has reared its ugly head.  Is this another of those bad movies that this dude really likes?  Yes.  Yes, it is.  Look, here's the thing: I don't like most bad movies.  Hell, I despise camp for camp's sake.  But there are bad movies I enjoy, and an awful lot of them feature my main man Wings Hauser.  It's a simple formula, really: give the man time to shine, and he will make the movie worth watching.  Of all the bad movies that he has starred in (and there are many), there are only a few that fail to entertain.  Most of those are titles where his name is featured prominently, but his role is meager.  This isn't one of those movies.  Here, he's given ample time to ham it up, and he does so with shameless aplomb.  He plays a deranged painter/killer who carries on a one-way conversation with God throughout the movie, hoping to impress the big guy.  Often, he is hoping to impress him with the creativity or outright cruelty he displays in his numerous killings.  If you are familiar with Wings, you can see where pairing the actor with that part makes this a must-see action cheapie.  In the lead role, we have Sybil Danning, who says very little and kills lots of villains.  Honestly, as a youngster, I only saw her as eye candy, this despite the fact that she often mixed it up where gunfights, catfights, and even a swordfight or too are concerned.  However, to my knowledge, this is the only time she was picked to star in such a film, and I feel that she carried it off well.  I think I sold her short in my youth, and if she did anything else like this, I'm suddenly interested.  Now, as far as plot, craftsmanship, and any of the various technical merits are concerned, L.A. Bounty is serviceable.  That's about it.  Take Hauser out of the mix, and it would probably register as a dud, despite Danning's good showing.  Even with Wings sinking his teeth into such a gonzo part, L.A. Bounty falls well short of his better pictures, to include the handful of legitimately good movies that he made.  Still, while this ranks among the lesser of those good bad movies that he specialized in, I had a lot of fun with it.  I was drunk, but I imagine that most people who sit down to watch L.A. Bounty in 2020 will be similarly impaired.

Final Grade: C+

Wings Hauser, people.  I mean, if he gets enough screentime, the movie is worth watching.  Legendary.  Just legendary.

Short Attention Span Review - The Tough Ones (1976)

Short Attention Span Review - The Tough Ones (1976)

Umberto Lenzi isn't big on subtlety.  No, he made loud pictures, obnoxious pictures even, and he's the kind of director who wouldn't settle for having a good time if having a sleazy good time was an option.  With The Tough Ones, he takes the whole "rogue cop" theme and runs wild with it.  Maurizio Merli stars as Inspector Leonardo Tanzi, a dapper dude who beats the shit out of so many crooks that I lost count halfway through the picture.  And he has a killer slap that he likes to deploy--he will slap the taste out of a punk's mouth at the drop of a hat.  And this movie needs him.  Seriously, dude's beat is so popping that he waltzes right into a mugging, purse-snatching, rape, bank robbery, or perhaps even a good old-fashioned murder spree courtesy of a crazed hunchback every time he rounds a corner.  And he beats the fuck out of the bad guys.  And his captain yells at him afterward, but displays a wry smile that lets us know he digs Tanzi's "take no prisoners" style whenever this suave hothead is dispatched to slap around another crook.  Merli plays this about as well as it could be played, and Tomas Milian is a deft combination of fiery and petulant in his role as Vincenzo Moretto, the previously mentioned "crazed hunchback."  Milian is fully invested in a depraved role as a madman who gets off on gunning down innocent bystanders and cracking bad jokes about his dirty deeds.  Lenzi applies his typical flair to the picture, which is fast-paced, colorful, and equal parts repugnant and exciting.  He gives us setups that are totally shameless examples of exploitation at its grimiest, then quickly veers to smashing payoffs wherein Tanzi leaps into action and smacks the bad guys around.  The cinematography, editing, and the effects are better than what we often see in such fare, and the soundtrack is typical for these flicks--meaning that it is exceptional.  Kudos to Grindhouse Releasing for including the score from Franco Micalizzi on CD in their double-disc Blu-Ray edition of The Tough Ones.  Beautiful packaging as well.  Bottom line: anyone looking to dig up some so-called Eurotrash could do a hell of a lot worse.  In fact, I'm going to highly recommend this flick, because The Tough Ones is an absolute riot for those of us who dig sordid cinema.

Final Grade: B+

Maurizio Merli may look dapper, but he's tough as nails.  If he doesn't beat up two dozen people or more in this movie, I'm not the illest mofo on the block.

Short Attention Span Review - Stone Cold (1991)

Short Attention Span Review - Stone Cold (1991)

Stone Cold is one of those action movies they used to make in the 80s and 90s that somehow straddled the line between sick thrillers and cringeworthy farces.  You know the type--movies like Cobra, Commando, and pretty much everything worthwhile Jean Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal starred in during that time frame.  Stone Cold is a basic bitch, to be sure, with a cookie-cutter plot that never swerves when it can run down a familiar trope or throw a "twist" at the screen that we've seen no more than a thousand times in similar pictures.  At the forefront of all this predictable carnage is the Boz, making his motion picture debut.  You know what?  Dude wasn't half bad.  While he would go on to star in several far cheaper productions over the years, I always thought this one should have established him as a bigger star.  Alas.  However, he wasn't on par with the action movie heavyweights of the era, and he's not really the star attraction.  No, the reason this movie still works for me has nothing to do with the good side of the equation where the heroes and villains are concerned.  You see, Stone Cold features Lance Henriksen as "Chains," the sadistic leader of a violent biker gang looking to unleash hell with one of the most batshit crazy plans any villains real or imagined have ever concocted.  Like, totally batshit crazy.  So out there that I can't fathom what the endgame was--if this nonsense had worked, there would have been no escape for anyone involved.  It would have been outright war.  But it all makes for a lively third act, and Lance absolutely destroys it.  The picture comes alive in mystical ways every time he graces the screen, and the filmmakers wisely put him front and center often.  Bonus points: his right-hand man is played by William Forsythe, who damn near steals the show himself.  They say that a film is only as strong as its villain, and I'm here to say that this Henriksen/Forsythe pairing ranks among the best one-two punches we'ver ever been blessed with.  It doesn't hurt that the roles are audacious enough in their own right, giving both of these wicked cool thespians a lot to chew on.  And the action choreography is also a selling point--there are brawls, chases, shootouts, and explosions to spare, and Craig R. Baxley could light things up with the best of them.  Sue me, but I couldn't give two shits about a lot of big 90s films like Titanic or Forrest Gump, but I treasure Stone Cold.  That's how I'm wired, and if you like this blog, you probably enjoy this overlooked biker flick just as much as I do.

Final Grade: B+

Lance always puts on a good show, and he has played iconic parts in other bigger and better movies--but it is entirely possible that this was his strongest performance.

Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Hell Fest (2018)

There is a really sound idea at the heart of this festive fright flick.  The pitch hinges on a deranged slasher running amok at a themed event for horror movie lovers like your friendly neighborhood blogger here.  The hardest parts of executing this premise should have been realizing the villain and the setting.  And yet, while the picture kills it in both of those categories, it has two glaring weaknesses that really took a lot of the wind out of my sails.  First off, like any genre, horror is at its best when the characters are involving.  You can make a bad story remarkable if it features compelling characters, and the common link between most great stories is a great cast of characters.  It doesn't work the other way around.  This is one of many instances wherein a groovy premise and impressive technical merits are undermined by a core group of players that don't capture our hearts.  I just didn't care a lot about most of the characters in Hell Fest, to include the leads, and that robbed the film of so much of its impact.  That and one ill-advised blunder really tarnished my experience.  There's a scene that starts off really great in a funhouse and actually stands as one of Hell Fest's most frightening sequences.  However, it turns out to be a cheap scare born of a lapse in logic that shatters every ounce of plausibility.  Seriously, it's beyond stupid, and as cool as the moment that preceded this gaffe was, the lack of a better explanation should have sent the filmmakers back to the drawing board.  Or the cutting room.  For me, moments like this can totally ruin a movie.  Now, I'm still going to give this one some credit because the killer and the setting were so dope, and there were several scary setpieces that were wicked intense.  The makers of Hell Fest did enough to entertain me, but they shot themselves in the foot with lukewarm characters and that wretched scene that was utterly devoid of anything remotely resembling reason.

Final Grade: C

A lot like Blood Fest in that it's a cheeky slasher movie built upon the idea of a themed event for fright fans going awry, this one suffers from one massive lapse in logic and a cast that is pretty damn run-of-the-mill.

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Short Attention Span Review - Blood Fest (2018)

Blood Fest is one of those fast-paced and energetic flicks that aim to pay homage to the slasher sub-genre while finding a few new wrinkles to explore along the way.  But there's no concerted effort to deliver some sort of classic, to join the ranks of Halloween or Scream.  And that, my friends, is a good thing.  In my humble opinion, there's no better way to muck up this beloved sub-genre than to start thinking franchise and legacy before you put one rock-solid film in the can.   Blood Fest has no illusions of grandeur, but it wants to shake and move from the first shot all the way to the last.  It peppers us with diabolical kills, laughs, cool characters to spare, and some gnarly sets and shenanigans.  It works in most of these areas far more often than it falters, and it really clicks where those characters are concerned.  I liked all of our principals, with a secondary character who was a misunderstood actor who had portrayed a slasher himself being my favorite.  This gave the picture a bit more importance than it may have warranted otherwise, and each kill hit me pretty hard.  In the average slasher flick, there are one or two characters you dig, a handful of characters you could care less about, and at least one schmuck who can't get offed soon enough.  This picture has a schmuck, to be sure, but beyond that, I really liked everyone else mired in this quirky struggle for survival.  The set-up worked, the effects were quality, the score was on point, and the talent in front of the camera and their peers toiling behind the camera all earned their pay.  Was it a great horror movie?  No, but that was never in the cards.  Was it a fun slasher flick that I can easily recommend to all of my readers?  Damn straight.  Job well done, Blood Fest.

Final Grade: B+

Bloody, fun, witty, and (most importantly) populated by likable characters, Blood Fest is a worthwhile slasher flick that this particular horror junkie slept on for far too long. 

Short Attention Span Review - Primal (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Primal (2019)

Primal is based on a script that has been around since the 90s.  Often, with a film of this sort, that seems like a blessing, because there are elements of this picture that would clearly benefit from what the special effects community is capable of these days.  Well, about that . . . maybe this one would have been better off being filmed in the 90s.  Or the 80s.  Hell, maybe even the 70s.  What really limits Primal are the dodgy effects (the CGI is roughly equivalent to Playstation 2 graphics) and the abysmal picture quality.  I would blame the film stock, but I'm pretty sure film wasn't in the budget.  Think we're seeing the work of cheap digital cameras here.  So, we have a picture that really needs quality effects (among the most pertinent elements of the screenplay are a massive albino jaguar, deadly vipers, and a host of jungle critters running amok on a boat) that fails in that regard.  And this movie boasts the same picture quality you might see on local access television.  And we have Nicolas Cage, who looks a bit rough around the edges, and falls well short of the Nicolas Cage who made Mandy one of 2018's biggest surprises.  Yet this isn't exactly "phone it in" Nicolas Cage, as he does show some gusto, and throws himself into the physical elements of the movie.  And Kevin Durand fully embraces his role as the heavy, chewing scenery with glee when he isn't beating the shit out of Cage's dubious hero.  Famke Janssen is also on hand to look awful* and fall for Cage's arrogant and derisive big game hunter as he endangers everyone on the ship with a bevy of treacherous animals he is smuggling across the sea.  So, this all sounds pretty bad, I imagine, and it is.  Oh boy, it is.  And it's also a lot of fun if you like a good B movie.  Scratch that--it's also a lot of fun if you like a bad B movie.  Despite the shitty look of the piece and the lousy effects, the movie seldom slows down, and it is frequently gruesome.  There are some good scraps, some decent lines, and even a few morbid laughs along the way.  There are also cliches to spare, but that's part of the fun in a B movie that feels like Under Siege's long-lost bastard child by way of the Syfy Channel.  You know what?  Here's the short version: it's kinda awful, but I liked it.

*I feel bad pointing this out, but it is impossible to overlook.  Part of me thinks Cage was enough of a  gentleman to go on a bender and put on a few pounds just to make poor Famke feel more comfortable on set.

Final Grade: C+

Sometimes a bad Nicolas Cage movie is just a bad movie, but this is one of those bad Nicolas Cage movies that is most certainly a good bad movie.

Short Attention Span Review - Ma (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Ma (2019)

Ma is an offbeat horror movie born of an offbeat premise.  No zombies, no killers sporting masks, no vampires, werewolves, or witches.  Just a lonely woman who offers up her home as a safe haven for some fun-loving teens looking for kicks in small-town America.  Only there's more to Ma than meets the eye, and this alleged safe haven is actually anything but.  Octavia Spencer is fully invested in the title role, and it is her devotion that makes this Blumhouse production from 2019 as effective as it is peculiar.  Spencer isn't alone, with a talented crop of youngsters ably supported by skilled vets like Juliette Lewis and Luke Evans.  This is one of those methodical yarns that slowly builds to a crescendo, but it entertains from the start.  In fact, by my estimation, the first third dishes out as many laughs as jolts.  However, as things grow more ominous and our unlikely host's gonzo ways veer toward a surprising darkness, Ma emerges as an innovative horror film with a lot to say.  It is a safe bet that anyone looking for a body count or a potent gore factor won't find much to enjoy here.  It is also fair to question much of the character logic, though need and convenience often breed such naive choices, particularly where youth is concerned.  All that said, fright fans who want to watch something off the beaten path that isn't some sort of surreal essay in dementia may just have a blast with Ma.  I think it's neat to see something fresh and utterly devoid of the staples we know and love, and even if Ma is no masterpiece, it is a lively left turn.

Final Grade: B

In a strange movie, Octavia Spencer makes the most of a strange part.   The end result is fun, and, well, more than a little strange.

Short Attention Span Review - The Lighthouse (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - The Lighthouse (2019)

After hitting the scene with The Witch, which scared me witless, Robert Eggers has taken his peculiar talents to another level with The Lighthouse.  While it is far murkier and lacks the same impetus, there can be no doubt that this is another masterful exercise in terror.  The decision to shoot in black and white delivers stunning results, while the 1.19:1 aspect ratio tightens the director's grip on the audience, ramping up the paranoia.  This is a bleak tale of madness and loathing, and it is also a surreal odyssey into darkness and murder.  It is an actor's showcase, and Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson prove seaworthy as they spar with one another all the way to a diabolical conclusion.  This is a movie that will prove too deliberate for many and too strange for others, but those who are looking for something different and exhilarating may find themselves thoroughly entranced.  I was hooked from the start, and while I don't view this as a masterpiece, it surely stimulated me every step of the way.  Portions of The Lighthouse are downright awkward by design, and it poses many questions that the viewer is left to ponder after the closing reel.  I enjoy such fare, and this is a fine example of a surreal nightmare that paints a subjective portrait.  The craftsmanship is impeccable, and I warrant that The Lighthouse will trigger a powerful response from even those who deride it as a failure.  It is perhaps the very antithesis of a buddy picture, devoted entirely to two poorly matched characters whose perilous union is clearly doomed, though there are surprising moments of jocularity that do little to ease the tension.  Many elements of The Lighthouse may be real or imagined, but the director's vision and ability are impossible to ignore.  The Witch was a marvel, The Lighthouse is a potent oddity, and I can't wait to see Robert Eggers does next. 

Final Grade: A-

Striking visuals and incredible acting make The Lighthouse an invigorating trip worth taking.

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

Short Attention Span Review - Split Second (1992)

I recently sat down and rewatched this cult classic from 1992 for the first time in decades.  While it made only a minimal impact on cable and in the rental industry, I recalled it fondly.  Truth be told, it still holds up pretty well.  Star Rutger Hauer makes the most of a brazen part, throwing himself into the role of Harley Stone, a true loose cannon.  We often hear cops billed as such in films, but seldom see them behave like Hauer's Stone.  This guy constantly disobeys orders, chokes fellow officers who dare contradict him (with his captain looking on, no less), raids the armory, and essentially operates as a revenge-obsessed vigilante with a badge.  Alastair Duncan matches Hauer's intensity in the role of a timid sidekick who has also become a raging lunatic by the end of the movie.  Duncan's "big fucking guns" bit is the highlight of the picture.  What will ultimately make Split Second worthwhile for some and a disappointment to others is the kooky nature of this feature.  Split Second is equal parts brooding science fiction, guns-blazing action, and bloody horror.  The movie revolves around the pursuit of a fearsome killer who is ultimately revealed to be a gruesome hybrid of Venom and a Xenomorph.  Little to no explanation is given for this exciting but rather inexplicable development, and it certainly calls into question several aspects of the plot.  Like, the thing is ten feet tall and decidedly inhuman--how is it preying on people in bars without being seen, and why does it care about astrology and other human interests?  What's the deal with its psychic connection to a particular renegade cop?  Why does it toy with him while slaughtering everyone else?  In the end, it doesn't really matter, at least not to these filmmakers.  The effects are okay, the score is quality, the sets are good enough that one wishes more was made of the unique "futuristic London under water" environment, and the performances are remarkable.  Split Second is a B grade creature feature at heart, no doubt about it, but exceptional talent before the camera makes it stand apart from the pack.

Final Grade: B-

Hauer is totally unhinged in the lead role, and his presence is ultimately what makes Split Second memorable.

Powerful Pages - Pet Sematary by Stephen King (1983)

Powerful Pages - Pet Sematary by Stephen King (1983)

I started reading Stephen King novels when I was 8 years old.  When I started on this voyage, it seemed like I would never run out of books from the maestro to devour.  But, inevitably, at some point, I approached the finish line.  I put Pet Sematary aside because I always wanted to have one last vintage yarn from Uncle Stevie to dig into.  Decades passed.  And the time came.  I just had to give it a go.  First off, I'm sure glad that I finally took the plunge; Pet Sematary is a demented masterpiece, and it is as entertaining as it is unspeakable.  Secondly, this was probably a good one to set aside, for it is as dark and haunting as anything King has written.  It is maybe as dark and haunting as anything I've ever read, and that puts it right up there with The Exorcist* and Lord of the Flies**.  Pet Sematary is all kinds of heavy, and it puts the characters (a really likable family and a friendly neighbor of the highest degree) through all kinds of awful shit.  And the whole time, you sense the storm brewing, and somehow knowing that these people will suffer in abhorrent ways makes them that much more endearing.  I guess that makes Pet Sematary as much of a tragedy as it is a horror novel, and it does operate on a grand scale that it isn't altogether common within the genre.  King dares to grapple with some of the most difficult questions we all face in this life, and his answers here are as brutal as they are blunt.  At the same time, the prose is warm and inviting, and the book itself unwinds like a tale spun by that remarkable neighbor, good old Jud Crandall, a kindly soul with a gift for piquing our interest.  This story is intriguing from the onset, and as the stakes rise and the tension mounts, it becomes savagely addictive.  I turned pages and begged the main character to change course with considerable tenacity, though I knew to expect the very worse at every turn.  And toward that end, King delivered.  Oh man.  He delivered in spades.

*Surprise!  The scariest movie of all time sprang forth from a novel that is equally intense and frightening.  Indeed, the book has additional depth and takes the startling premise even further.

**Fuck William Golding.  Fuck Lord of the Flies.  Simon's death may be the most traumatic aspect of my high school education, and that little episode in my life had trauma to spare.  Also: fantastic book, hell of a writer.  Highly recommended!

Final Grade: A+

Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

Short Attention Span Review - Underwater (2020)

I'm a sucker for monster movies set in the depths of the ocean, and I readily admit that most of these films aren't very good.  With that in mind, it is safe to say that Underwater follows in their footsteps.  While better than Deepstar Six and pretty much on the same level as Leviathan, it falls well short of the high water mark for such fare, Deep Rising.  However, it does have many things going for it.  I really liked the design elements, to include the sets and the creepy-crawlies.  The frantic pace seemed like a good idea, particularly during a rousing opening.  After that, however, the movie got lost and floundered before finding its way back for an explosive conclusion with some potent emotional heft thrown in for good measure.  Though they were painted in the broadest of strokes, I did enjoy the characters, and the performances were far better than what we often see in such a run-of-the-mill creature feature.  I did find Kristen Stewart to be particularly effective, and she certainly gave it her all.  However, it did seem a bit odd that she had to spend so much of the picture running around in her underwear.  At one point, they noted that the temperature had risen ten degrees because of an incident, but at seven miles below the surface, I doubt that turns the ocean into a liquid sauna.  And they also pointed out that the dive suits they frequently lumbered around in were too tight to accommodate regular clothing,  but since wetsuits and form-fitting clothing are actual things, this too felt like a lame excuse.  Like, no bullshit, there are probably women in prison flicks where the ladies aren't exploited quite as much.  My biggest complaint would be what could have been a total lack of competency, though I think it was actually a desire to provide an immersive effect geared toward exploring claustrophobia and disorientation.  Translation: for much of the picture, I had no idea what was happening.  There were several key moments (to include two pivotal deaths) that will forever remain mysteries to me, despite what were no doubt highly expensive displays of Grade A shaky cam magic.  In the dark.  Key dialogue was muffled by heavy breathing and distorted transmissions.  Entire setpieces were lost to a fog of paranoia and jarring visuals, punctuated by quick glimpses of darkness and more darkness.  Maybe this sounded good in concept, but when a character you enjoy perishes and you have no idea what went down, it's a bit of a bummer.  When it happens more than once, it becomes flat out frustrating.  That's how I would ultimately describe Underwater: frustrating.  Everything necessary for a groovy chiller is on hand, but the ingredients are misused, and the resulting dish is a little bland, a little messy, and very forgettable despite a couple of exciting flourishes.

Final Grade: C-

Kristen Stewart is pictured here in more than just her undergarments.  She bares her soul in a fine lead performance that also requires her to bare everything else far too often.

My Favorite Horror Movies from 2019

Well, with all that happened, things were a little quieter on the blog front (and a whole hell of a lot of fronts, truth be told) than I would have liked last year.  So, I didn't get to share my thoughts with you guys on a lot of cool stuff that came down the pipeline.  With that in mind, I just wanted to take a moment here to list my favorite horror movies from a year that tried its best to kill me or tear my left arm off at the very least.  And failed, because, well, fuck that.

Anyway, here are my faves from 2019:

#5) Crawl

Look, in so many ways, Crawl was ridiculous on a scale we seldom see outside of any situation where grown people try to prop up Donald Trump without confessing that they're only vouching for him because they hate Mexicans.  So, yeah, VERY ridiculous.  That's okay, though, because Crawl was equally entertaining.  Gruesome effects, a rip-roaring pace, nifty performances, and alligators* put this one at #5 on my list.

*I like movies with alligators in them.  Like Alligator, which is impossible to obtain on Blu-Ray for reasons I will never comprehend.  At least you can buy the out of print DVD or VHS for hundreds of dollars.
What's wrong with this world we live in?

#4) 3 from Hell

I dig Rob Zombie's movies, and I do not consider that to be a disclaimer.  This may not have been his strongest effort as a screenwriter, but it does represent his best work as a director.  And it's all kinds of gnarly.  Next!

#3) Doctor Sleep

Rock-solid, and surprisingly brutal.  Features perhaps my favorite villain of the year, and the performances are stellar across the board.  Only suffers because of the recasting where certain characters are concerned, which was both totally necessary and just as problematic for this analytical cat.  Still a killer time at the movies, though.

#2) It Chapter Two

Like most everyone else, my initial response was to view this as a very good fright flick that didn't have the same oomph as its predecessor.  A couple of rewatches have changed my mind.  I now see this as being on equal footing with the first one, and I think I may enjoy it a bit more.  Yes, I hit my head pretty hard in the crash, so take this for what it's worth, but I still recognize Hereditary as a massive pile of shit, so I think the old brain is firing on all cylinders.

#1) Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

Damn near perfect.  Hell, may be perfect.  A new classic for Halloween marathons everywhere, and a fine representation of so many of the things I love about this genre.  Creepy, fun, oozing atmosphere, and boasting entirely too many monstrous gags and effects of a top-shelf vintage, this delightful spookshow is both terrifying and wildly entertaining.  I freaking loved it.

.   .   .   .   .

So, feel free to agree or disagree, but don't try to convince this little duck that Hereditary was anything more than a turd of extraordinary magnitude.  We saw better character logic from Camp Counselors back in the 80s.

And no one has yet to offer any reasonable explanation for Gabriel Byrne bursting into flame.  Shit happened for no reason whatsoever aside from a desperate need to advance a shit plot.

Look, a crazy bitch gave our lead a candle and a parchment, and told her not to worry about what it said, just to go home, fire the candle up after midnight, and read the ancient spell.  Just because.  Well, maybe the need to advance that shit plot was to blame here too.  Anyway, SHE DID IT.  Without hesitation.  No bullshit.  I'm through here.

Except I'm not.  Still think the closing reel was like the ending of a possession film written and directed by Sacha Baron Cohen.  And for the purposes of this scenario, he wrote and directed the movie in his Borat persona.

I'm good now.  Let's see what 2020 has in store for us, good people of the internet!

Short Attention Span Review - Sweetheart (2019)

Short Attention Span Review - Sweetheart (2019)

Running a scant 82 minutes, Sweetheart plunges the viewer into a desperate situation in the opening shot, and steadily increases the stakes until a blistering finale.  A survival opus married to a creature feature, the production values are sound if not spectacular, and the script is razor-sharp.  Most importantly, as this is largely a one-woman show, star Kiersey Clemons reveals herself as a force to be reckoned with.  Vulnerable, plucky, determined, desperate, and ultimately quite the badass, Clemon brings her character to life in stunning fashion.  This is what elevates Sweetheart, as being lean and mean, and even a bit innovative, honestly doesn't amount to much without a spark.  Clemons lights a fire, and as a result, Blumhouse has provided horror fans with another winner.  Victim to a relatively quiet release, this is a picture that could emerge as quite the sleeper.  I, for one, would love to see multiple elements of this riveting thriller explored in greater detail, though I never felt anything less than satisfied with this script or the director J. D. Dillard's no-frills dedication to shipping the freight.  The creature design is a bit more of a success than the effects work, though there are numerous instances where the effects stand tall.  Yes, there are a few mishaps on that front as well, but a top-shelf monster movie is seldom without blemishes.  The setting is as beautiful as the action is frantic, and the score is most certainly an asset to this production.  It is possible, if not likely, that Sweetheart hasn't pinged on your radar yet, but just take this horror aficionado's word for it: this unheralded descent into survival horror is a wicked little jaunt with an awful lot of juice.

Final Grade: B+

Sweetheart is the very epitome of a lean, mean chiller.  And I'm cool with that.

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

Short Attention Span Review - The Kindred (1987)

I plucked one from the archives today.  The Kindred is a late 80s monster movie that I may have rented a few too many times during my unruly youth.  It is rather gooey, and while I can't rightfully say that it is very good, it is a fun little monster movie.  Like many such affairs that go big often, it lands a few solid punches when it isn't getting knocked on its slimy ass.  Translation: there are some bits that work well and some gnarly effects, and there are also some sequences that fall flat and some effects that miss the mark.  By a lot.  The cast is game, with a young Amanda Pays standing out here and there while Rod Steiger slums it up.  To his credit, while many performers of his caliber would shift into neutral while slumming, Steiger actually seems pretty into it.  And the poor boy does take his lumps in the closing reel, so that is rather commendable.  Our lead (David Allen Brooks as John Hollins) doesn't exactly light up the screen, but he doesn't fall flat either.  Peter Frechette seems a little fierier in a lesser role, and this may be why he suddenly rises to the forefront in the closing reel.  The atmosphere is nice and sinister, the premise is just kooky enough to keep us involved, and an average monster movie is always better than even the greatest love stories captured on film.  That's how I see the world, anyhow.  So, yeah, this is just an average monster movie, nothing more, nothing less, but it was nice to take a stroll down memory lane.  Yes, good people of the internet, I enjoyed revisiting these crazy kids and their grotesque vaguely humanoid siblings.  And if you dig creature features too, you could do far worse.

Final Grade: C

The Kindred is a gooey mess, but it's a lot more entertaining than Gone with the Wind or Titanic.  True story.

Short Attention Span Review - The Psychic (1977)

Short Attention Span Review - The Psychic (1977)

I greatly enjoy Lucio Fulci's gruesome outings, landmark horror films where no eye is safe and the camera lingers lovingly on gaping wounds.  Much to my surprise, this 1977 effort is a wonderful example of Giallo, and while there are a couple of typical Fulci staples in play, it is far more subdued and . . . well, . . . sensible than much of his work.  To be perfectly clear, I think it ranks among the best of this rich subgenre for much of its runtime, and it boasts a particularly vivid and intriguing opening.  Jennifer O'Neill is a perfect choice for the heroine, and she carries the show from start to finish without missing a note.  Everything about this one is a winner, to include an excellent score and some particularly striking cinematography courtesy of the wonderful Sergio Salvati.  While someone looking for another grand gross-out from a man who made many of the best might find this far too tame for their liking, it is a wonderful surprise for those of us who also treasure these dastardly mysteries.  As always with such pictures, the emphasis on style and mood over substance and the desire for earth-shattering twists often results in a plot that is too convoluted for its own good.  Yet it never leans as far toward the absurd as many of its counterparts, and Fulci fans may be quite forgiving of any lapses in logic.  After all, Lucio liked shock and awe a lot more than plausibility, and this one never goes nearly as gonzo as legendary shockers like his The Beyond or City of the Living Dead.  I am going to highly recommend The Psychic (also known as Sette Note in Nero, or Seven Notes in Black) for those who dig Giallo as well as any Fulci fan, with those who want to see a different approach from this demented titan in particular.  You know what?  I'm going to take this a little farther and recommend The Psychic to anyone who digs the macabre at all.  I thought it was really damn good, and Fulci and O'Neill both worked hard to make this one twisted trip worth taking.

Final Grade: A

Jennifer O'Neill is sensational in this high quality giallo from a director better known for his gory shenanigans.

20/20

What's up, good people of the internet?
I imagine many of you are also putting your resolutions into play.  Like me, your 2019 may have been a bumpy ride, and maybe your life saw dramatic changes.  Hey, maybe your world got shaken up a bit, and you've had a lot of time to ponder the future.  That's my 2019 too, if so, and I'm ready to get to work in 2020 in more ways than one.
While I have a number of resolutions, I am also teeing off a project of sorts, and I am going to be discussing it here.  My blog is certainly part of it, so it makes sense.  If anyone decides to take a similar approach to the new year, I would love to hear about it, and we can surely have each other's back.  If I've learned anything from my 2019, it's that a support network is a precious commodity, and every bit of encouragement helps more than one could imagine.
So, here's what I'm doing.  I'm calling it 20/20, and it's pretty straightforward.  Where my writing is concerned, I have 20 goals that I'm looking to nail in '20.  Some are truly outrageous in scope, while others are honestly rather mundane.  All are surely steps in the right direction if I want my passion to become more than a glorified hobby.
I'll be breaking down my goals with you here and tracking my progress.  Blogging more frequently is one of the items on the list, so there's that too.  And all of these items could help me cross off the first thing on the list, my lifelong dream, and a longshot to end all longshots in this modern era when there may well be more writers than readers.  Yes, dear peeps, I really want this to be the year I see a book of mine land with a publisher.  And I have a candidate, and I have a lot of goals that could only help me where this is concerned.
And I'm hoping that my 2020 will represent the recovery to end all recoveries as I put my accident behind me and run down some dreams.
So, yeah, that's what's going on with your boy.  Happy New Year, my friends.  Let's celebrate for 365 days if we can . . .